Writer/comedian/blogger/crank Alex Blagg drops in to share with CRACKED the different things that are irking him this week. People Who Bitch About Valentine' Day
-Every year I have to deal with these idiots who spend the entire day making bitter jokes about how alone they are, and how Valentine' Day is stupid anyway; and flowers are lame, and blah, blah, blah. Look, just because you haven't figured out how to make yourself desirable enough to sustain a meaningful relationship, don't be an asshole and ruin it for the rest of us who DO happen to enjoy the fact that there' a designated holiday allowing us to get all the "romance" out of the way for the rest of the year. With all the available online dating sites, plus MySpace and singles events and booze, it' your own fault if you don't have anyone to celebrate with. So just shut the fuck up and stop blaming the "greeting card companies" for your crushing misery and loneliness.
-Just because of that one stupid "Chronicles of Narnia" rap, every asshole in the world has been polluting the Internet by furiously uploading their retarded, under-developed parody videos in hopes of becoming the next big "Internet sensation" and getting noticed by some producer so they can finally get their hopelessly unsuccessful 12-year acting careers off the ground. Yeah, yeah, it'
Nightmare on Elm Street
, but as a romantic comedy. We get it, please stop.The Debate Over Britney Spears' Skills as a Mother
-There' nothing funnier to me than the self-righteous fury of bored housewives in Nebraska fuming over
photos of Britney Spears driving with her baby in her lap. These same mothers sustain their children on a diet of Hot Pockets and Extra Value Meals, consider sitting around on their fat asses watching American Idol
together "family bonding" and think Grand Theft Auto
is "a racing game." You know what? If you're reading about Britney Spears' trip to Starbucks, something tells me you're probably not mother of the year, either. I'm not Dr. Phil or anything, but you're an idiot.The Obsession with Celebrity Couples
-Fuck, I can't even keep up anymore. Before there were 8,000 gossip magazines and Internet blogs and shitty celeb-worshipping cable shows, I could generally ignore the latest rumors about which movie stars were putting their genitals into which other movie stars. But now, I can't even walk down the street without seeing some asshole in a "TomKat" T-shirt that will be completely irrelevant in about eight weeks. Why do people spend so much of their time and energy worrying about the publicist-fabricated fairy tales of the love lives of two-dimensional people who wouldn't be capable of an actual relationship if their life (or anything other than their Q-rating) depended on it? It' pretty much the equivalent of watching ants mate, then desperately hoping they stay together in the end.