Where Aren't They Now: The 7 Strangest Post-Sitcom Careers

By:

How many times have we wound up in prison, only to realize our cellmate was the dad from Alf? More than we can count.

So do all old sitcom stars wind up in a pit of drugs and despair? You'd be surprised ...

Bill Fagerbakke

Who he was:
Fagerbakke was best known for his role as the football player turned assistant coach "Dauber Dubynski" on the sitcom Coach. Oh, and for having a name that sounds like the Klingon slang for "circle jerk."

Fagerbakke' character on the show was a dimwitted buffoon who, along with Jerry Van Dyke, sent Craig T. Nelson' character into explosions of arm-waving exasperation. That' about as deep as it went for Dauber, all 189 episodes of him.

He also turned up as the mentally handicapped guy in Stephen King' The Stand, another link in a very depressing chain of typecasting.

What you'd think he' doing:
Maybe still reading for roles that have "dim-witted" or "mentally challenged" in the description. Or, if you're the ironic sort, maybe you think he turned out to be a real-life supergenius who now owns a software company and occasionally appears on MSNBC with glasses and a sophisticated beard.

What he's actually doing:

Yup, Patrick Star. The Patrick Star. If you've seen both Coach and SpongeBob SquarePants then you know the two characters are actually very similar, but we're thinking it' rare that an adult watches both of those shows in the same day.

We'd make some smart-ass remark about Fagerbakke still being typecast as a loveable idiot, but then we remember that just one of his residual checks from SpongeBob would pay to have us all killed.

Related: The 5 Bill Murrays You Meet in Bill Murray Movies

Michael Gross

Who he was:
Gross is best known as the dad ("Steven Keaton") on Family Ties, which in turn was best known for Michael J. Fox and Justine Bateman, who played his noticeably short children. The premise of the show used the well-trodden idea of "liberal teens versus conservative parents" but flipped it on its head. Instead, it was "conservative teens versus liberal parents." Up was down and left was right! Sadly, that' really about as crazy as the '80s got.

What you'd think he' doing:
Well, Family Ties wasn't Gross' only claim to fame ...

... because Gross went on to play "Burt Gummer" in the Tremors movies. So, you probably figure he' working on a direct-to-DVD Tremors 5, paying his bills by fighting "graboids" and "ass-blasters" (It' Tremors slang, people, look it up.).

What he's actually doing:
Trains.


Now boarding, ladies.

As a "railfan" (which sounds like slang for train sex enthusiasts), Gross has been a spokesman for World' Greatest Hobby, hosts/narrates a boxset' worth of railroad-related documentaries and even owns part of Santa Fe Southern Railway.

It' relieving to see a rarely-seen actor pick up a hobby that isn't drugs or prostitutes. Though, it's possible that turning into your nerdy uncle who plays with his model trains may be taking it too far to the other end of the spectrum. Also, and for no reason whatsoever, Michael Gross teaches us how to plan for our picture walls.

Related: The Banned 'Office' Halloween Scene: That Time Michael Scott Hung Himself in Front of Children

Richard Moll

Who he was:
Moll became immortalized for his role as the "Owwweee kay"-spewing bailiff/man-child "Bull Shannon" on Night Court. His height was matched only by his lovable idiocy and was easily the most popular regular cast member. He was the Kramer of the show, without the hair or irrational hatred of other races.

What you'd think he' doing:
Do Night Court fans have a convention? Court-con? Night-con? If they do, then he's making $20 per autograph.

If not, then you figure he's probably dancing, singing, cooking, exercising, roller-skating, wife-swapping, boxing or generally being humiliated on the actor recycling center that is reality television.

What he's actually doing:
There are some geeks out there who are probably saying, "Of course, we know where Moll is! He voiced Harvey Dent/Two-Face on Batman: The Animated Series! Where have you been, freakin' Mars?"

Moll also turns up in no-budget horror and sci-fi movies you'll probably never see unless you look really hard on the discount DVD shelf or watch the Sci-Fi Channel. Nightmare Man, Razor, Angels with Angles, and the upcoming Headless Horseman are among those on the list.


Moll also stars in the web series The Fantastic Two.
We think he eats that guy.

But, far stranger, the Lifetime Channel is making a movie based on Moll' life called The Leaning Tower of Bull. So you can turn up your noses at us for putting this much thought into Moll' life, but the Lifetime Channel is out there paying people to act it out on camera. So, there.

Related: Madonna's Biopic Will Take The Insane Richard Pryor Approach

Darius McCrary

Who he was:
McCrary is best known as "Eddie Winslow" on Family Matters, more commonly referred to as "That Urkel Show."

Eddie was the eldest of the Winslow children and also carried the majority of subplots that dealt with playing sports, getting girls, helping Urkel, or some combination of the three. He also got beat up by a street gang on a very special episode.

What you'd think he' doing:

Jail. Or, best-case scenario, maybe turning up in a straight-to-video Steven Seagal movie, most likely as the lead henchman with a goofy nickname like "Grimace."

What he's actually doing:
Talking shit to Megatron, believe it or not.

McCrary voiced the heroic Autobot "Jazz" in the Transformers movie. Per the script and Michael Bay' subtle direction, McCrary gave Jazz a deeper characterization than what the '80s cartoon could: the token black guy.

Still, it' work.

There were some ugly Internet rumors about McCrary, namely that he was spreading HIV to many, many partners. There appears to be no proof at all of this (according to Snopes, anyway.) And, in his own defense McCrary has said, "Only thing I am guilty of is loving ladies! And maybe loving them too good."

Seriously, that' what he said. Assuming the ugly rumors aren't true, we'd kind of like to hang out with the man.

Related: The 6 Most Hilariously Creative Acts of Revenge

Sara Gilbert

Who she was:
Gilbert is remembered as playing the Emmy-nominated supporting role of "Darlene Conner" on Roseanne. Darlene was a sarcastic tomboy who always dressed in black, and thus was love at first sight for many a teenage boy.

What you'd think she' doing:
We'd guess something other than acting. Like how George Foreman stopped being a boxer and became a grill salesman, or how Al Pacino stopped acting and started making good money doing Al Pacino impersonations.

She had a "too-smart-for-acting" vibe, so we'll take a stab that she writes books or columns for various magazines.

What she's actually doing:
Other women, thus shattering the hearts of many a young male who spent hours on his Sara Gilbert fan site on Geocities back in the day. Gilbert has two children with Allison Adler, the first of which her partner carried while Gilbert gestated the second.

She also supports a healthy dose of organizations like Meals on Wheels, Freedom of Speech and AIDS Project Los Angeles.

Related: How Gilbert Gottfried's Take On The World's Dirtiest Joke United Comedians After 9/11

Jodie Sweetin

Who she was:
Sweetin played middle child "Stephanie Tanner" on the inexplicably popular Full House.

She enjoyed the show' spotlight starting when the Olsen twins were just drooling props and ending when her phrase "How rude!" started making her sound like a tweeny bitch.

What you'd think she' doing:
We would take a guess at Lifetime movies, but Moll has that market cornered. Porn is too obvious ... so is a singing career. It' a classic, but we'll go with life-ruining addiction on this one.

What she's actually doing:
Drugs. Or she was, anyway.

Combine her parents' history of addiction and a lack of work after Full House, and you get a shitstorm of drugs and booze that began in high school and culminated with meth a few years ago.

But more importantly, what' with that screen caption up there? Either it' written in Engrish or it' somebody called "Fallen Star" who is composed of a Full House actress and meth.

Thankfully things did turn up. Five rotted teeth and a lengthy stay in rehab later, she now gives public speeches about her addictions. AND, she' happily remarried and expecting her first child in 2008.

She' also gotten back into TV, hosting Pants-Off Dance-Off (hey, it's work) and is working on a television pilot called Small Bits of Happiness about a suicidal child actress. We're thinking every episode will end in a dramatic musical montage with a forced voice-over.

Related: Remembering Bob Saget: Inside The Loveable Duality of America's Dirty Dad

Danica McKellar

Who she was:
McKellar is familiar to most as Winnie Cooper, the girl next door and main love interest of Fred Savage' Kevin Arnold in The Wonder Years. The on-and-off romance lasted the entire series, like a far less annoying "Ross and Rachel" for kids.

She also became a source of many crushes for developing boys across America, and probably some pedophiles.

What you'd think she' doing:
Since The Wonder Years took place in the late '60s to early '70s, the clothes had to fit the era. So, maybe she cashed in on that and sold a line of vintage clothing. Or, porn.

What she's actually doing:
She' a math genius. She helped develop what's come be known as the "Chayes-Mckellar-Winn-Theorem" while she was a mathematics major at UCLA. And, she has an Erdos-Bacon number of 6. A team of five were sent to investigate what the fuck either of those things are. Results are still pending.

She also wrote a book to help schoolgirls improve their math and even occasionally answers readers' math questions on her website.

We'd also like to add, holy shit:

Related: The 'What?' Christmas Movie We Can’t Believe Is Real

Join the Cracked Movie Club

Expand your movie and TV brain--get the weekly Cracked Movie Club newsletter!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Forgot Password?