TV's Greatest Off-Screen Quotes and Catchphrases


This week, TV Land released its top 100 TV catchphrases. Frankly, this is one list we could’ve done without. We’ve already heard the Budweiser “Whassup?" and Emeril’s “Bam” to the point of being sick. Why the hell do we need a list to remind us of these overused quotes we’ve been trying to get out of our head?

What we do need is a compilation of the stuff we haven’t heard before. Everybody knows that in real life TV stars talk a lot cruder than the PG one-liners they sprout on air. Well, we got the crude stuff for you. We’re not proud how we did it (let’s just say it might have involved some dumpster diving for trashed reels), but that’s nothing a good shower and some Febreze can’t fix. Besides, the results were worth it.  

“Take ten, guys. The folks from Industrial Light and Magic are still working on Mr. Trump’s ‘hair.’”

-Director, The Apprentice

“Hey Diamond. Thanks for your advice. I’m gonna do Showgirls.”

-Elizabeth Berkeley, Saved By The Bell

“For the love of God, Mr. Rather. Please put on some pants!”

-Production Assistant, CBS Evening News

“Hey Jerry, I know we’re parodying Johnnie Cochran, but does this Jackie Chiles character have to be black?”

-Michael Richards, Seinfeld

“No Chris, you can’t be both the host and the bachelor this season.”

-Producer, The Bachelor


“I don’t give a good goddamn about your production schedule, Roddenberry. The Vulcan and I don’t kill Klingons on Yom Kippur!”

-William Shatner, Star Trek

“Sorry, Reiner. I only have sex with famous directors.”

-Sally Struthers, All in the Family

“I want the million dollar question to be ‘how big a bitch is Kathie Lee Gifford?’”

-Regis Philbin, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

“Guys, it’s just a stupid disco movie. I’ll be back next season.”

-John Travolta, Welcome Back, Kotter

“Quick, get the President a dictionary. We need to look up 'sexual relations.'

-VernonJordan, Clinton Presidential Address

“Simon, he’s just some delivery boy from Steve’s Deli. Do you think you could spare him the lecture about your turkey club being ‘an abomination to the culinary art of sandwich making?'

-Ryan Seacrest, American Idol


“Okay, Lights. Check. Sound. Check. Pound of cocaine for Mr. Williams. Check.”

-Production Assistant, Mork & Mindy

“Enough with the lectures, Conrad. You talk to us kids like we’re gonna grow up to be a bunch of thieving, abusive crack addicts.”

-Gary Coleman, Diff’rent Strokes

“Hey Lauer, you’re not foolin’ anyone with the buzz cut, baldy.”

-Katie Couric, Today Show

“For the last time, I just matured. I did not have a full plastic surgery makeover after the '80s.”

-Patrick Dempsey, Grey’s Anatomy

“If I give each one of you suburbanite whores a car, will you promise to drive the fuck away from me?”

-Oprah Winfrey, The Oprah Winfrey Show


“Over here, Mr. Falk. This way. Peter, the camera’s over here.”

-Director, Columbo

“Camera one! Lift up an inch. Ms. Hatcher’s botox needle is in the shot!”

-Director, Desperate Housewives

“Sometimes, Ricky, I wonder how it would feel if it were the other way around. Y’know, if the ratings were bad, but we had some critical acclaim.”

-Jason Bateman, Silver Spoons

“Girls, I’ve decided NOT to appear on camera at the same time as you all, because it really destroys the illusion that any of yo’ ugly asses could ever be a real model.”

-Tyra Banks, America’s Next Top Model

“Yeah, I think we have a spare CD player that you can use during your performance. Why do you ask, Ms. Simpson?”

-Production Assistant, Saturday Night Live

“If we’re just playing games with each other’s balls that doesn’t mean we’re gay, right?”

-Steve-O, Jackass


“Babs, can you get me Elizabeth Vargas’s number?”

-Rosie O’Donnell, The View

“You’re going to ruin your career with that dumb mermaid movie, Tom. My Newhart audition went well. Maybe I can get you a guest spot.”

-Peter Scolari, Bosom Buddies

“I’ve called this cast meeting because Hollywood has come knocking. One of you will be starring in the new major movie Edward Scissorhands. Congratulations, Peter. . . naah, I’m just fuckin’ with ya, DeLuise! Johnny, Tim Burton’s on the phone for you.”


21 Jump Street

“Seriously, Jen. Are you kidding me with that haircut? If you still want to hang with me when I’m the breakout star of this show, you better get yourself to the salon.”

-Courtney Cox, Friends

“Relax, they’re just Quaaludes. It’s not like I’m gonna kill myself.”

-Freddie Prinze, Chico and the Man

“Listen, just say 'mission accomplished' and people with forget all about this war.”

-Karl Rove, Bush Press Conference


“So baby, I couldn’t help but notice the way you ate that bull’s penis.”

-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor

“What do you mean I forgot to include jokes in the script?”

-Alan Alda, M*A*S*H

“Christ, what’s wrong with you Mandel? How hard is it to remember one line? It’s ‘Would you like to make a deal or do you choose not to?’ Oh, fuck it. Just say ‘Deal or no deal!’ Do you think you can handle that, brainiac?”

-Director, Deal or No Deal

“Bro, of course, I’ll hook you up if I make it big as a director. You’re fuckin’ Anson Williams, man!”

-Ron Howard, Happy Days

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