Crazy Eight: The Top Crazy Girlfriends in Movie History
Let's face it: Crazy girlfriends in the movies are cool, but add that sexual essence-that special thing the French call magnÃ©tisme animal-to them and you've got yourself one incredibly sexy, crazy chick. This rare breed of woman in the cinema is always ready and willing to have animal-style sex. They're wild about their recreational drugs and alcohol, they love the ladies and they have that thread of desperation that makes up the sexual fringe of their batshit-crazy tapestry. After days of heated roundtable discussions and lonely nights rewinding the nude scenes in our DVD library, here are CRACKED.com's top eight craziest (and sexiest) girlfriends in movie history.
Chloe Webb as Nancy Spungen in Sid & Nancy
In a Nutshell: Call her the Yoko Ono of the British punk scene if you'd like, but Chloe Webb's portrayal of Nancy Spungen, the longtime girlfriend of Sex Pistols' Sid Vicious, brought a sexy combination of nihilism and crazy-chick shenanigans to the forefront of movie history. Admittedly, she wasn't going to win any beauty contests. But up until that point, the closest movie character with halfway-decent looks and that classic "I-don't-give-a-shit" attitude was Pippi Longstocking. So, we're giving props where they're due.
Defining Crazy Moment: The scene where she's sitting in bed with Sid after a cozy little heroin fix, both not reacting as their room in the Chelsea Hotel goes up in flames.
Crazy Quote: "I fucking hate them! I fucking hate them! Ass! Ow! Fucking motherfuckers! They wouldn't send us any money! They said we'd spend it on druuuuugs!"-after getting off the phone with her parents. Sid nonchalantly responds with a sheepish, "We would."
Video Bonus: Sid and Nancy go up in smoke.
Glenn Close as Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction
In a Nutshell: While Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas) would probably tell you that she wasn't technically his girlfriend, Close's character still slept with him more than once, and they went out on the minimum of two dates in a single week-sorry Dan, but that's a relationship as far as we're concerned. With that established, Alex Forrest is probably one of the craziest movie girlfriends of all time, and she could surely teach a few tricks to young Hollywood. But, crazy will only get you so far on this list. Unfortunately, Close looks like a cross between George Washington and Barbara Bush-by default, that combo tops you out at No. 7.
But, she's obviously a pleaser and that counts for something. Who can forget the blowjob in the freight elevator? The sex on the sink while she breaks all those dishes? Couple that with acid on the Volvo, unknowingly/knowingly slicing herself with a butcher knife and her penchant for kidnapping-congratulations Mr. Gallagher, you've got yourself one crazy, sexy girlfriend.
Defining Crazy Moment: Glenn Close cooks up some rabbit stew using the only hare close to hand: an adorable pet bunny.
Crazy Quote: "Why? Because I won't allow you treat me like some slut you can just bang a couple of times and throw in the garbage?"ÃÂ¢Ã¢'Â¬"after Douglas' character tells her that he's over her.
Video Bonus: Crazy girlfriends make the best cooks.
ChloÃ« Sevigny as Lana Tisdel in Boys Don't Cry
In a Nutshell: We could have gone either way with the two leads in Boys Don't Cry. ChloÃ« Sevigny's Lana and Hilary Swank's Brandon Teena are incredibly crazy and they're both girls. But when it came down to it, we had to go with looks, and Lana has that skanky trailer-trash joie de vivre that we secretly can't resist. Sure, Swank's Brandon is a lesbian (check!) and she has a thing for strap-ons (check, again!), but what can we say? We're superficial. Besides, we love a girl like Lana: She's completely delusional and in total denial when anything goes awry, both of which should come in handy the next time we come home from the strip club with our face covered in body glitter and lipstick on the ass of our jeans.
Defining Crazy Moment: The entire movie. This is the girlfriend that, even when presented with proof that Brandon is a female-with female parts still intact-still thinks she's a guy.
Crazy Quote: "You don't have to be sober to be able to weigh spinach." Um, exactly.
Video Bonus: We couldn't find anything great on Sevigny in this movie, but check this whacked-out clip of her in Gummo.
Isla Fisher as Gloria Cleary in Wedding Crashers
In a Nutshell: Fisher's Gloria Cleary is maybe the archetypal "Crazy, but Sexy Girlfriend." Her hard-ass father (Christopher Walken) has no doubt repressed her since she tried on her first training bra, so she's filled with years of pent-up sexual frustration that explodes out of her in maniacal fits of giggly sexual aggression. Add to that the fact that she seems to be a pathological liar, speaks half of her lines in baby-voice and still manages to be sexy and you've got a certifiable No. 5. In Wedding Crashers, she brings all the elements together in one tightly wound, tight-bodied package, and throws in a nude sex scene for good measure (God, we hope that was her and not a body double).
Defining Crazy Moment: The now-classic hand job at the dinner table.
Crazy Quote: "Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?"
Video Bonus: Flogging the dolphin.
Courtney Love as Althea Leasure in The People vs. Larry Flynt
In a Nutshell: Woody Harrelson's Larry Flynt eventually made an honest woman out of Courtney Love's Althea Leasure. But for a while, this drug-addicted stripper was the girlfriend of the man who created Hustler magazine and kicked the First Amendment's ball sack. (Talk about a great woman being behind every great man.) But was she a classic crazy, sexy girlfriend? You tell us: She was a stripper at Flynt's first nudie bar, frequently had sex with the other strippers, was addicted to speed, coke and heroin, and just so happened to be Hustler's first-ever centerfold. Crazy and sexy? Yeah, we think so.
Defining Crazy Moment: Face down in the hot tub.
Crazy Quote: "My daddy shot my entire family in the head, and I was the only one to identify the bodies, and I was sent to an orphanage full of good Christian nuns who shoved my face into their pussies with their crucifixes on for eight goddamn years!"
Video Bonus: Check it out: the real Althea. Threatening to shit down someone's neck.
Juliette Lewis as Mallory Knox in Natural Born Killers
In a Nutshell: There were actually quite a few roles that Juliette Lewis could have qualified for on this list, but we went with the role that really brought her crazy-girlfriend mojo to the national spotlight-Mallory Knox. Her kill-'em-all-and-let-God-sort-'em-out outlook on life, along with her sex-as-a-weapon cunning was so hot, she and the movie even spawned several documented copycat murder sprees. Of course, the ladies in those cases looked like Anne Ramsay's ugly stepdaughters, making the original all the more sexy by comparison.
Defining Crazy Moment: Again, like any great sexy, crazy chick in the movies, we could have used any one of at least a dozen instances where Mallory goes nuts, but after a several rounds of cocktails and a few hours of debate, we're going with the scene where she beats the crap out of Det. Jack Scagnetti (Tom Sizemore) because A) Lewis really broke his nose during the filming of that scene, and B) she lives out our "Kick Tom Sizemore's Ass" fantasy.
Crazy Quote: "That's the worst fuckin' head I ever got in my life! Next time don't be so fuckin' eager!"-After killing some guy she just had sex with.
Video Bonus: Mallory goes nuts on a bunch of rednecks in a diner. Probably a bit NSFW.
Cameron Diaz as Julianna Gianni in Vanilla Sky
In a Nutshell: While Vanilla Sky didn't register much more than a blip, this incredibly self-indulgent vanity project did have a two redeeming elements. First, the film has a relatively decent soundtrack. Second, Cameron Diaz's take on Julianna Gianni was an amazingly real portrayal of every hot, but crazy girlfriend we've ever dealt with (the fact that Gianni is a nymphomaniac is gravy). Had Diaz shown a little skin (we're not greedy-we'd have settled for side-boob), she surely would have made No. 1 on this list, but we couldn't, in good conscience, give an actress with a no-nude clause in her contract the top slot. Side note: Diaz "unofficially" based the character on Courtney Love, so you know where all that crazy came from.
Defining Crazy Moment: The pivotal scene where she drives her car off the bridge (with a screaming Tom Cruise) and into a brick retaining wall, single-handedly killing herself, mashing up the face of Cruise's character and ultimately marking the end of the interesting half of the movie.
Crazy Quote: "Don't ever say that word. I will never come over and bring you chicken soup and fuck your brains out again."
Video Bonus: Julie Gianni tries to kill herself and Cruise, backed by the song "I Fall Apart."
Interesting aside: That's really Cameron on vocals-not bad, eh?
Jennifer Connelly as Marion Silver in Requiem for a Dream
In a Nutshell: It was a controversial call, and this last-minute decision nearly caused fisticuffs among some, but Jennifer Connelly's winning performance combined three of the most essential "Crazy, but Sexy Girlfriend" elements in her portrayal of Jared Leto's girlfriend: Drug addiction, desperation and super hotness. It's very rare you get all three in one package, but Connelly delivers the goods like nobody's business. Sure, a real-life Marion would probably have sex with us once just to find out where we live and then break into our place the next day and steal everything for a heroin fix. Also, based on our experience clothes and furniture shopping at the Salvation Army, we're pretty certain junkies don't look like this in real life. But, we'll take a hotter-than-real-life Jennifer Connelly junkie over a not-as-hot-as-the-real-thing Courtney Love stripper.
Defining Crazy Moment: Ass to ass!
Crazy Quote: "I fucked that sleaze bag for you, then I put myself through fucking Hell for you?"
Video Bonus: A NSFW montage of 100 percent ass-to-ass madness.