The 15 Most Outrageous Claims in Pop Music History

The 15 Most Outrageous Claims in Pop Music History
It's happened to everyone. You're driving along listening to the radio when you hear a lyric so mind-bogglingly false that you instinctively swerve directly into a telephone pole, blinded by sheer amazement at the idiotic idea you've been asked to accept. Well, we're not going to take these artists' claims at face value anymore. Here are the most outrageous assertions that pop music has asked us to accept over the last four decades.

"We can do it till we both wake up."

Color Me Badd, "I Want to Sex You Up"
First off, it's hard to believe that anyone can have sex while they're asleep, and harder still to believing that all four members of Color Me Badd have been blessed with this amazing talent. Look at these stooges-the dude in the flip shades is clearly still a virgin, and the guy doing Blue Steel up front looks like he just stepped out of a SuperCuts poster. Also, since they say "till we both
wake up," does that mean the girl isn't aware of what's happening? Because if that's the case, we're pretty sure that's sexual assault.

"Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dick's gots to fit / With my nuts on ya tonsils"

Dr. Dre followed by Snoop Dogg, "Fuck Wit' Dre Day"
Here, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg decide the best way to voice their displeasure with Eazy-E is to rap about sexually assaulting him. In fact, the song contains countless lines that would be at home at a prison rape orgy (we've been to many of these), including "It's time for the doctor to check your ass," "Play with my bone, would ya Timmy?" "I'm hollering 187 with my dick in your mouth," "Luke's bending over, so Luke's getting fucked," and, of course, "Eazy-E can eat a big fat dick." That's not even mentioning the above one-two punch of outrage. First, Dr. Dre claims that his dick can fit between Eazy-E's two front teeth, which is both the least impressive brag about dick size in rap history and proof that Dr. Dre has no idea how fellatio is performed. Next, Snoop drops in to serve notice that his nuts are in fact on Eazy's tonsils, which would give Snoop the longest scrotum in recorded history. We're not 100 percent sure why that's supposed to be impressive.

13 (tie) "Every freak should have a picture of my dick on they wall."

Rich Boy featuring Polow Da Don, "Throw Some D's"
Polow Da Don, you have to be a little more assertive! Most rappers won't think twice before bragging about slapping hos and all you can muster up is suggesting-not even demanding-that a picture of your penis be hung on "every freak's" wall? In the same song, Rich Boy raps about selling crack and buying a Cadillac, but all we can picture is you taking webcam photos of your dong, carefully placing them in frames from Pottery Barn, and sending each one out to a freak along with a tersely worded note urging that it be hung on, um, they wall.

13 (tie) "My paragraph alone is worth five mics. A 12-song LP, that's 36 mics."

Redman, "Five Boroughs"
But wait a second, isn't five times 12, um, 60? To make the math correct, Red would have had to spread 7.2 paragraphs over the course of his 12 songs, averaging 3/5 of a paragraph per song. So, either Red made a mathematically convoluted concept album in which paragraphs span from one song to the next, or he just assumed that his fans were retarded and said a bunch of numbers to confuse them. It's definitely one of the two, though we'd hate to think that the star of How High
and countless deodorant commercials would condescend to his fan base like that.

"There's an old man sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin."

Billy Joel, "Piano Man"
Is there maybe a chance that all that "Man what are you doing here?" business later in the song had less to do with the bar patrons thinking you're talented and more to do with the fact that you've just wandered into some sort of alcoholic orgy and one of the guys was embarrassed that you caught him with his dick in his drink? Our advice: get up slowly and back away from the bar. And while you're up, go ask Paul exactly what the fuck a real estate novelist does, because we're pretty sure that profession doesn't exist.

"I believe I can fly...I think about it every night and day."

R. Kelly, "I Believe I Can Fly"
Really? Every night and day? Sounds like that's sort of getting out of hand for you there, R.

10 (tie) "Everyone is gay."

Nirvana, "All Apologies"
First of all, if everyone were in fact homosexual, the human race would cease to exist because procreation would be impossible. And if Kurt Cobain is using the word "gay" to mean something like "uncool," the existence of Hulk Hogan emphatically negates that statement as well. Finally, does that make Kurt Cobain gay too, or is it everyone but
him? The jury's still out on bassist Krist Novoselic. Waaaaaay out.

10 (tie) "Get me on the courts and I'm trouble, last week messed around and got a triple-double."

Ice Cube, "It Was a Good Day"
Ignoring the fact that a good day for Ice Cube means not having to use his AK, we're going to go ahead and make fun of him here: what sort of asshole keeps track of assists and rebounds during a game of pick-up basketball? When he's playing wiffle ball, does he brag about his W.H.I.P. stats and claim that he's gone 22 straight games without committing an error? Because if so, that does even more to banish any memories of NWA-era Cube than Are We Done Yet?
(which, of course, is saying a lot).

"Everything I do, I do it for you."

Bryan Adams, "Everything I do, I do it for you"
At first, the line seems pretty heartfelt: a man dedicating his every action to a lady. But think about it: Bryan Adams is not a robot, people-he poops. And chances are, not every go-round on the throne is a breeze for the washed-up troubadour. So, anonymous lady, when Bryan Adams is biting down on a leather belt, praying to God for relief from intestinal agony, just know that he's doing it for you.

"They want to give her seven years for being sad."

Red Hot Chili Peppers' Anthony Kiedis, "My Friends"
We're not sure where Anthony Kiedis' understanding of the criminal justice system comes from, but the fact that he thinks you can do time for being sad might go a long way towards explaining why he's spent the past 15 years jumping around like a manic, over-caffeinated 12-year-old. Maybe this happens in North Korea or something, but Pyongyang is noticeably absent from any of the Chili Peppers' tours.

"I got blood on my hands and there's no remorse, I got blood on my dick cuz I fucked a corpse."

DMX, "Bring your Whole Crew"
Maybe-just maybe-there'd be a situation where you wouldn't be the least bit remorseful after killing someone. We can accept that. But sticking your penis inside a dead human being? Even the hardest rapper with the worst upbringing would feel a little sorry for such a heinous action. Especially if he contracted a nasty disease, which in all likelihood, is bound to happen. Not to be a wet blanket about corpse-fucking, or anything.

"Smack it up flip it, rub it down. Oh nooooooooooo! The girl is gonna do me."

Bel Biv DeVoe, "Do Me"
First of all, Bel Biv DeVoe, we've gotta ask: why so alarmed about the fact that the girl is gonna do you? Is she unattractive? If so, you never should have smacked it up, flipped it, and rubbed it down in the first place. You knew that going into this. Once you did
smack it up, flip it, and rub it down, you probably should have seen this coming.

"I can double my density from 360 degrees to 720 instantly."

Canibus, "Funk Master Flex Freestyle"
Holy shit. There are so many things wrong with this that it really speaks for itself. This line is so adorably dumb, it makes us want to chuck Canibus under the chin like a little kid, muss up his hair, and give him a big lollipop.

"Face-to-face and back-to-back, you see and feel my sex attack."

Billy Idol, "Flesh for Fantasy"
The outrageous claim here isn't really that Billy Idol believes that he can sexually assault a woman while they're face-to-face. That actually sounds like it's probably the best way to commit a sex attack. The truly outrageous claim is that he believes he can also commit said sexual assault while back-to-back with his victim. What does a back-to-back sex attack involve? Violently rubbing asses together? If so, should there be a high school wrestling referee present?

"I hit the skins...for the smell of it."

Ot-Wane Love-her Roberts with Salt-N-Pepa, "Shoop"
If you were to list all of the sensory experiences that make you want to hit the skins, where would the smell of it rank? Obviously the tactile appeal has to rank first, and the existence of porn and phone sex prove that sight and sound get the ol' motor running too. But the smell of it? For chrissake, Ot-Wane! Who are you having sex with and what is she using to clean her vagina?

"You gave me all your pussy"

Nate Dogg, "Ain't No Fun"
Without explaining his sexual partner's motivation, Nate Dogg claims that she actually gave him her entire vagina. It's unclear if she's also given him her uterus and/or ovaries as well. But one thing is very, very clear: this young lady should get to a hospital as soon as possible. It'd probably be best for everyone if Nate just went ahead and gave this poor girl her pussy back, although he doesn't specify what he plans to do with her entire pussy now that he has it. Still, she's going to need that thing eventually (if she doesn't already).

"I eat more chicken than any man ever seen."

The Doors' Jim Morrison, "Back Door Man"
Here, handsome junkie Jim Morrison makes the outrageous claim that he, apparently, can eat more chicken than anyone. Unless, by "chicken," he really meant "acid," this is fairly hard to believe. Nowhere in Oliver Stone's The Doors, for example, is Morrison's chicken-eating prowess addressed. At best, maybe Jim Morrison could eat half as much chicken as Howlin' Wolf, the blues great who wrote the song and "was nicknamed 'Big Foot' in his early years because of his massive size," according to infallible research source Wikipedia. What's a lot more likely, though, is that Jim was out of his gourd on peyote, but everyone just accepted his "poetic" ramblings because he was relatively good-looking and it was the '60s.
With reporting by Clive Bannister, Jack O'Brien, Ryan Grim, Patricia Chang, Joshua Hammann.
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