"Smack it up flip it, rub it down. Oh nooooooooooo! The girl is gonna do me."
Bel Biv DeVoe, "Do Me"
First of all, Bel Biv DeVoe, we've gotta ask: why so alarmed about the fact that the girl is gonna do you? Is she unattractive? If so, you never should have smacked it up, flipped it, and rubbed it down in the first place. You knew that going into this. Once you
smack it up, flip it, and rub it down, you probably should have seen this coming.
"I can double my density from 360 degrees to 720 instantly."
Canibus, "Funk Master Flex Freestyle"
Holy shit. There are so many things wrong with this that it really speaks for itself. This line is so adorably dumb, it makes us want to chuck Canibus under the chin like a little kid, muss up his hair, and give him a big lollipop.
"Face-to-face and back-to-back, you see and feel my sex attack."
Billy Idol, "Flesh for Fantasy"
The outrageous claim here isn't really that Billy Idol believes that he can sexually assault a woman while they're face-to-face. That actually sounds like it's probably the best way to commit a sex attack. The truly outrageous claim is that he believes he can also commit said sexual assault while back-to-back with his victim. What does a back-to-back sex attack involve? Violently rubbing asses together? If so, should there be a high school wrestling referee present?
"I hit the skins...for the smell of it."
Ot-Wane Love-her Roberts with Salt-N-Pepa, "Shoop"
If you were to list all of the sensory experiences that make you want to hit the skins, where would the smell of it rank? Obviously the tactile appeal has to rank first, and the existence of porn and phone sex prove that sight and sound get the ol' motor running too. But the smell of it? For chrissake, Ot-Wane! Who are you having sex with and what is she using to clean her vagina?
"You gave me all your pussy"
Nate Dogg, "Ain't No Fun"
Without explaining his sexual partner's motivation, Nate Dogg claims that she actually gave him her entire vagina. It's unclear if she's also given him her uterus and/or ovaries as well. But one thing is very, very clear: this young lady should get to a hospital as soon as possible. It'd probably be best for everyone if Nate just went ahead and gave this poor girl her pussy back, although he doesn't specify what he plans to do with her entire pussy now that he has it. Still, she's going to need that thing eventually (if she doesn't already).
"I eat more chicken than any man ever seen."
The Doors' Jim Morrison, "Back Door Man"
Here, handsome junkie Jim Morrison makes the outrageous claim that he, apparently, can eat more chicken than anyone. Unless, by "chicken," he really meant "acid," this is fairly hard to believe. Nowhere in Oliver Stone's The Doors
, for example, is Morrison's chicken-eating prowess addressed. At best, maybe Jim Morrison could eat half as much chicken as Howlin' Wolf, the blues great who wrote the song and "was nicknamed 'Big Foot' in his early years because of his massive size," according to infallible research source Wikipedia. What's a lot more likely, though, is that Jim was out of his gourd on peyote, but everyone just accepted his "poetic" ramblings because he was relatively good-looking and it was the '60s.
With reporting by Clive Bannister, Jack O'Brien, Ryan Grim, Patricia Chang, Joshua Hammann.