3
Emerson Lake and Palmer, "Karn Evil 9. Second Part."
Performing on a stool,
We've a sight to make you drool,
Seven virgins and a mule,
Keep it cool. Keep it cool.
Because Karn Evils 1 through 8 left so much to be desired. It should also be noted that ELP have a live album called
Welcome Back My Friends to the Show That Never Ends. And at three hours long it might be the most aptly named album in rock history.
2
Mariah Carey, "Don t Stop"
I'm like a bowl of gumbo,
You ain't hotter than this,
I'm what they play in the clubo.
All right, making fun of Mariah Carey is like making fun of the kid with the helmet on the short bus, but c mon, this line deserves some recognition. But then again, Carey
is like gumbo lumpy, thick and of indeterminate ethnicity.
(Ed Note: Thanks to user CentralTheme for pointing out that the offending gumbo/clubo rhyme is rapped by Mystikal, not sung by Mariah. For more Mystikal related hilarity, check back tomorrow our Cliffs Notes on Mystikal's "Pussy Crook.")
1
Bob Dylan, "Ballad of a Thin Man"
You have many contacts
Among the lumberjacks
To get you facts
When someone attacks your imagination
But nobody has any respect
Anyway they already expect you
To just give a check
To tax-deductible charity organizations
And top prize for worst rhyming goes to his Bobness, naturally. Sure, he is a poet and the voice of a generation, but at some point during the '60s he realized that he could write anything he wanted and, as long as it rhymed,
Rolling Stone would think it was important commentary on Vietnam. So, like any artist who isn't being challenged, he got lazy, and started alternating actual poetry with nonsensical jibberish about "having contacts among the lumberjacks."
When he's not writing for CRACKED, Kevin Hill can be found insulting musicians over at PlayOnLyrics.com
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