When he directed the first two X-Men movies, Bryan Singer got a lot of street cred from comic book readers for sticking close to the themes of the comics. With Superman Returns out this week, though, that's going to be a little more difficult. Why? Because there are vast, decades-long chunks of Superman's history that tend to not make any sense whatsoever -- and considering that these stories take place in a world where a bulletproof flying man shoots laser beams out of his eyes, then puts on a pair of glasses to fool a bunch of investigative reporters into thinking he's someone else, that's saying something.
So with that in mind, here's a look at a few of the scenes from Superman's history that won't be making it to the big screen anytime soon. (Until Joel Schumacher gets the franchise, anyway.)
Instead of starting fresh like Christopher Nolan did with last year's Batman Begins
, Singer opted to make Superman Returns
a sequel to the classic Superman II
. In case you haven't seen it lately, Superman II
is a movie that features Superman turning his logo into some kind of fast-dissolving plastic net to foil one of the Phantom Zone criminals, because apparently he didn't have enough powers already. It's one of the weirdest non-Lynchian moments in cinema history, but it pales in comparison to the new power Superman gained back in 1958: The Super-Homonculus
Yes, on a routine visit to the center of the Earth, Superman gets caught in the explosion of a "midget space ship" and gains the strange ability to shoot a miniature version of himself, complete with all of his powers, out of his
Needless to say, every single criminal in this story looks absolutely terrified to be dealing with a tiny Superman, which immediately becomes the toast of the town, giving it the additional power to make Superman totally emo: "Don't they understand how I feel... playing second fiddle to a miniature duplicate of myself?"
Superman immediately decides that the best way to deal with the situation is to murder the Super-Imp at his earliest opportunity, even though he suspects it's actually alive. Fortunately--if you're Superman, anyway--the incredibly creepy Fun Size Superman sacrifices itself to save him from a basketball-sized chunk of kryptonite launched from a catapult by some local gangsters. So pretty much just another Tuesday in Metropolis.
Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane #59
Kate Bosworth's Lois Lane from Superman Returns
has become the mother of a little boy in the time Superman's been gone, but back in the comics of 1965, Lois's interest in children veered into slightly
less maternal territory.
In one of her many--yes, many--attempts to use the science of time travel to score with Superman, Lois hops into the time bubble for a jaunt back to pre-explosion Krypton for the allegedly humane purpose of keeping it from exploding (Surprise! It doesn't work!).
Once that's done, however, she immediately sets her sights on luring hunky scientist and Superman's future father Jor-El away from his girlfriend, but after getting smacked around and called a hussy by Superman's future Mom, Lois gets the idea that maybe the Kryptonian singles scene isn't quite right for her, and heads back to the future...