How You Celebrate: Though few from outside so-called "Christ-ian" communities have ever witnessed such a celebration, it is rumored that participants take human sacrifice to a grisly extreme, actually devouring the flesh and blood of their own savior. Then they sing hymns, which are traditionally interrupted by Christ bursting Alien-style from the chest of a parishioner and yelling "Tah-dah!" It's said that, should Jesus see his shadow, he will burrow back into the lucky Christian's chest cavity for a few millennia, thereby delaying Armageddon.
Symbols: Shrouds, crosses, a boundless sense of moral superiority.
Pros: Everlasting salvation, a home in God, church babes, two dollar canoe for sale in church bulletin only has moderate termite damage.
Cons: Most of the cooler stuff described in the "How You Celebrate" section doesn't really happen.
The Easter Bunny
What It Celebrates: The Easter Bunny, an oviparous rabbit dextrous enough to carry baskets of candy and intelligent enough to arrange said candy in fake grass, as well as launch massive nation-wide marketing campaigns aimed at getting parents to shell out for chocolate bunnies that turn out to be hollow and chocolate eggs stuffed with carcinogenic sludge. Possibly an ancient deity or demi-God, but far more likely the result of government genetic experiments or the demented offspring of a chicken, a rabbit, and a Cadbury company executive.
How You Celebrate: Buy, buy, buy. Screw virgin blood, the Easter Bunny wants cash. The bigger the basket you buy your child, the more clearly they will feel your love as it courses, in sugar form, throughout their fragile, developing systems. Light-headed and giddy with your love, you then lead the tykes out into the yard to hunt for the hidden, multicolored abortive offspring of a rabbit, thus perfectly depicting the mystical growth cycle of all living things.
Symbols: Garish pastels, headless chocolate rabbits, unwanted visiting relatives.
Pros: When the kids finally crash, they go down hard, hopefully buying you and the wife enough privacy for a real "celebration of fertility."
Cons: Peeps, black licorice jelly beans.
Still not sure which to worship? Click to the next page for our handy quiz!
Threester Quiz: Find the God for You
Still unsure which celebration is right for you? Respond to the common, everyday scenarios below and total up your score to determine your true Easter God!
1. Your idea of a perfect date involves:
A. Beer enemas and baying.
B. Rosary beads and praying.
C. Colored eggs and their laying.
D. Don't know.
2. You feel most comfortable:
A. Inside of other living things.
B. Never. Shame is the only road to salvation.
C. At home, curled up by the fire with a nice basket of eggs.
D. Don't know.
3. When you encounter a group of sheep, you:
A. Tear them limb from limb in sexual ecstasy.
B. Strip to your swaddling clothes and stage an impromptu nativity.
C. Comb through their fur looking for eggs.
D. Don't know.
4. Look around your room. You see mostly:
A. Green tapestries, ram horns, and the hearts of bested enemies.
B. Crosses, beads, and Jesuses of varying emaciation.
C. Places eggs could be hidden.
D. I'm homeless/blind.
5. You often find yourself saying:
A. "You know, these robes really chafe. Would you mind if I took mine off?"
B. "Not to sound mean, but you're all going to Hell. I'm just saying."
C. "I swear to Paz, I will smother you all with peeps if I do not find an egg in the next thirty seconds."
D. "I don't know."
Mostly A's: You are a pagan reveler. Your Easter is a conflagration of ancient Gods, night-streaking, and bodily fluids. Enjoy it while it lasts, because your brand of celebration isn't condoned anymore outside of tribal life or Spring Break block parties.
Mostly B's: Congratulations! On the off chance that your method of worship is right and true, you will be forever rewarded upon your death for a lifetime of humble sacrifice and subservience to Christ. If it's not, maybe Allah will let you tap the kegs.
Mostly C's: Look! There! Right there! Behind the rock! What's wrong with you? For the love of God, just grab it and shut up! Here, take a pixie stix. You know, I hear if you snort them, it's extra sugary. Go try; just leave me the hell alone.
Mostly D's: You are a heathen monster, undeserving of the space you befoul with your very presence, let alone an Easter celebration. Come back when you grow a pair.