I am the unnamed fetus of Donald J. Trump and Melania Knauss Trump and I am blogging from inside my mother's spectacular vagina.
Is my mother not stunning? I am inside her, and let me tell you, this is the world's finest womb. Everything from the labia to the birth canal is spectacular, made using only the world's finest materials. You will not find a better vagina anywhere. Richard Branson doesn't have one like this. Bill Gates doesn't. Mark Cuban doesn't. No one but Trump.
How can a fetus blog from the womb? It is because we have the world's best technology installed here in the vagina of my mother, Melania Knauss Trump. The walls of her womb have been wired using state-of-the-art Intel microprocessors. Her vagina has more raw computing power than even 10 of your home computers combined. No other fetus, and no other vagina, could bring you a blog this spectacular. Not Cruise's fetus. Not Bennifer's fetus. Only Trump.
I am sure that all of you want to know about my conception. Let me tell you that it was spectacular.
It was a lavish affair attended by royalty from seven different countries. My father, Donald J. Trump, had the entire conception, from foreplay to ejaculation, sponsored by our friends at American Express. The g-string and lace bra were provided by Christian Dior himself. Regis Philbin hosted the evening, which included a musical montage immediately prior to orgasm. Let me tell you that both my father, Donald J. Trump, and my mother, Melania Knauss Trump, climaxed simultaneously. It was a perfect orgasm and it was spectacular. The entire Conception was filmed by none other than Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg. Universal Studios will be distributing the film nationwide.
The Trump Conception featured our grandest structure to date, the Trump Penis. No, I am not referring to the Trump International Tower on Manhattan's East Side. I am referring to my father's actual Penis, which is decorated in a classic yet timeless style.
The Trump Penis is constructed from solid, 24-carat gold and features diamond studs and rich hand-engraved designs by Italian artisans. The Trump Scrotum is bejeweled with rubies and emeralds given to us by my father's close personal friend, the Sultan of Brunei. And in the luxurious style that has become synonymous with the Trump name, the Trump Pubic Area has had all hair removed and features tasteful Louis XVI decor, with gold adornments and a tableau of peasants eating cake. Only a Penis this spectacular could enter my mother, Melania Knauss Trump, who, as I mentioned, has the world's most fantastic vagina.
I have seen the Trump Penis since, and let me tell you it is truly spectacular and the finest in the world. There is no better penis. The last time my father's Penis visited, it stayed a remarkable seven hours. That's because the Trump name stands for something, and that is genitals of exquisite quality.
Watch for our film, "Trump: The Conception," in theatres everywhere in 2006. It will truly be spectacular.
For as much as people love them, the 'Star Wars' movies have gotten rather awkward from time to time.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
Going for that 16th minute.