"Â¦try paying for those with some winning tickets I already scratched off. This one' folded, but still good. This one' from 1987, and this one here is from out of state. This one' got just a few bite marks. Here' a $5,000 winner, but it' a bit hard to make out because I left it in a beaker of acid overnight. Now this one"Â¦
"Â¦less of a scratch-off ticket than a phone bill I stole from my neighbor' mailbox. And this one might not look familiar because it' a sheet of fabric softener onto which I've drawn three money bags and written the word kajillionaire. It' also from out of state. Oh look, I just found five hundred tickets in my shirt pocket that I haven't even scraped off yet! Well, while I'm at the register, I might as well. I don't know why that guy behind me in line was complaining so much: If you don't want your ice cream to melt, you don't take it out of the freezer"Â¦
"Â¦provoke the octopus. Anyway, I forgot to mention that I have to scratch my tickets with a very rare quarter that' got George Washington on the tails side and the eagle on the heads side. I left mine at home. No, all yours are totally different. Let me just call my wife to come bring it over"Â¦
"Â¦and don't worry, I'm not about to give you my disability check to pay for scratch-off tickets. I'm about to give you an IOU for my disability check. I promise to bring it in tomorrow.
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