Congratulations on your decision to become a Super-Villain! You're taking a big step by joining the fast-paced and exciting world of thematic crime, and we here at The Master Plan are dedicated to helping you
experience the success you deserve with these handy guides to the super-villain lifestyle!
Today's Lesson: Crafting the Perfect Lair
Let's face it: You can pull off the heist of the century, but without a proper hideout, it's only a matter of time before some costumed vigilante kicks in the door of your local Motel Six and puts a violent end to your crime spree. With proper planning and construction, however, you'll be avoiding capture for upwards of
an entire week
before your do-gooder nemesis gives you any guff.
Picking Your Design
The proper lair isn't just a hideout that you retreat to after stealing the world's largest diamond or a local scientist's prototype shrink ray; it's a space you can make your own. With that in mind, here are a few popular choices to start from.
Available and discreet. Recent studies have shown that over 80% of the average urban area is almost completely occupied with unused corporate storage facilities from highly specific companies like playing card manufacturers and makers of Egyptian-themed novelties, with the remaining 20% taken up mostly by jewelers, science labs, and museums which, oddly enough, all feature skylights.
For sprawling and generic structures that have fallen into disuse, abandoned warehouse ownership is surprisingly
well-documented. This information is often readily available online in easily-accessible City databases, so unless you're fighting the Amish Avenger or something, expect to be rooted out fairly quickly.
The classic choice for the arch-criminal on a budget, the Abandoned Warehouse often has the tie-in to your gimmick that it's just impossible to resist, but the generic structure and original purpose leave precious little room for deathtraps
(see Step Three).
Easily defensible and majestic, the Castle is a mark of status for any super-villain. Plus, crenelated towers make a
launchpad for anything from nuclear weapons to rockets with laser-beams that devolve humans into cats, depending on your personal flavor of super-crime.
Aside from the fact that this same defensibility can make the Castle a difficult site to acquire, it's not exactly the most subtle hideout you could ask for-The first thing a so-called "Good Guy" is going to do when unexpected earthquakes and meteor showers start interrupting his lunch hour is a punch-laden visit to majestic Castle Von Evilstadt. Hence the nuclear weapons and devolution lasers.
Essentially, owning a castle is like saying "Hey, I'm so badass that my hideout is a national landmark," and if you've got the firepower to back it up, go for it. If, however, your crimes tend to revolve around geometry or cleverly-worded crossword puzzles, you
want to stick with Option A.
TIP: If you're running low on construction funds, consider deposing an Eastern European Monarchy! They often come with their own castles and footsoldiers, and despotism can be surprisingly lucrative!
The Volcano Shaped Like Your Head
Isolated and awe-inspiring. A floor built on molten lava makes it easy to heat in the wintertime and an open volcanic crater makes a nice breeze during the summer. Plus, having an open rivers of superheated liquid rock makes hero disposal a simple one-step process.
Unless your looks are routinely described as "craggy" or "mountainous," expect to invest a
in landscaping. Plus, these things tend to attract nosy European spies like you would not believe.
Odds are, if you've got the kind of money to retrofit an active volcano into a working lair, you've probably got a hideout already. But it makes for a delightful summer lair, and if you don't mind the occasional jackbooted thug from your Army of Minions getting devoured by the local fauna, the investment's worth it.