9 of the Best Jokes From the Return of ‘The Colbert Report’ Last Night

‘Daddy’s home’

Stephen Colbert welcomed back an old friend Thursday night — identical cousin Stephen Colbert, host of the dearly missed Colbert Report from his Comedy Central days. Happy to see him? 

“Daddy’s home,” that Colbert told us. “So drop trou and lay across my lap, because I’m gonna spank you with freedom until I can see the American flag reflected in your shiny, swollen asses.”

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Colbert was in Bill O’Reilly mode, a true-blue ombudsman who’s ensuring The Late Show remains free of liberal bias by reviving “The Word” segment. Here’s how it goes: Blowhard Colbert pontificates, then his graphics department delivers the punchline. For example, Colbert reports that, “People are saying things that hurt Donald Trump’s feelings.”

Got the bit? Here are nine more of the funniest jokes from The Word… 

“The FCC had no choice but to slap down the invisible hand of the market”

“Americans are born with certain God-given rights like life and liberty and, of course, the pursuit of happiness. But what about the pursuit of Donald Trump's happiness?”

“Yes, it’s true the words Donald Trump aren’t in the Constitution”

“Just how do you balance your rights with your duty not to make the Commander-in-Chief fill his Depends with tears?”

“My friends, it’s shockingly simple”

“You can have your rights just as long as you don’t use them”

“Here’s the thing: You can talk and still say nothing”

“Sometimes you have to destroy freedom to save it”

“Stop saying anything that might upset the president. And if you think that’s a terrible idea, no, you don’t”

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