David Letterman Weighs in On Trump’s White House Ballroom

Speaking from an Airbnb in an otherwise undisclosed location in Daggett, California, David Letterman didn’t quite put together an entire Top 10 list of reasons he’s so excited about a proposed addition to the stodgy White House. But he came close. 

Speaking with old pals (and show producers) Barbara Gaines and Mary Barclay, Letterman pondered the state of America in 2025. “I don’t know if you picked up on this, but I get the feeling here lately that we’re living in a divisive culture,” he said, sarcasm dripping into his snowy beard. “There’s two sides, and they seem to be combative, and it’s more than rhetoric. It’s actual political shenanigans, if I can use that word, shenanigans.”

But now, a new construction project promises to unite the nation’s citizens. “Something that I’ll call a healing force took place right under our nose two or three days ago,” he said. “And it made me sit up, bolt right, and think, ‘Hallelujah. Praise God. This is the solution to the division.’” 

Red states? Blue states? We’re all one big purple country now, Letterman explained. “And you know what’s going to bring us together? Ballroom! Let’s just focus on the glory of a ballroom.”  

In hindsight, our stupidity is glaring. How has our grand democracy lasted for nearly two and a half centuries without a ballroom? Boy oh boy, ladies and gentlemen, the former Late Show host couldn’t be more thrilled. In his mind’s eye, the ballroom has crystallized into a singular vision: Donald Trump and his First Lady Melania on the ballroom dance floor doing the Funky Chicken. 

Our long national nightmare is over, Letterman declared. In his view, Trump’s presidential ballroom is now tied with the Statue of Liberty for the preeminent symbol of America. And while we waited too long to construct such a facility, maybe that was fortuitous. After all, no one knows how to build a ballroom like Donald Trump. Because Trump is behind the construction, Barclay noted, citizens can be assured its design will be tasteful and full of gold leaf. And paving over the White House’s storied rose garden? Chef’s kiss. 

You want big? Letterman heard the new addition would supply plenty of elbow room: “Anything less than 90,000 square feet, and you just have a closet.” 

The comedian has the dimensions correct — according to a White House press release, the proposed size is indeed 90,000 square feet. (For comparison’s sake, a standard football field is 57,600 square feet.) Trump took to the roof of the White House last week to survey the proposed construction site, a bargain project at only $200 million that will turn America’s capital into Mar-a-Lago North. “I’m good at building things,” Trump told reporters last week. “It’ll be beautiful, top, top of the line.”

And the timing couldn’t be any better. “The country hasn't been this divided since the 1860s, the Civil War, and it took the bloodiest fight on American soil to resolve that,” Letterman joked. “But now with the ballroom, we’re all one.”