Pizza Hut has created an app that lets you order pizza from your Xbox, finally allowing hardcore gamers who somehow don't own a cellphone or computer to enjoy cheese that tastes like melted plastic on top of some form of cardboard that resembles bread. According to "experts," this is the greatest gaming innovation since EverQuest II and Pizza Hut teamed up to bring you the exact same service that nobody cared about in 2005.
USA Today says that Pizza Hut is reaching out to "its hard-to-reach target -- young men 18 to 24." Yeah, it must be tough to sell cheap, greasy pizza to a demographic that thinks malt liquor and Bugles are a balanced breakfast, Pizza Hut. How did they get the impression that young adults are so busy trying to make the perfect souffle that the idea of ordering a pizza never crosses their mind?
What the average college student eats, according to Pizza Hut.
"The very last thing a kid wants to do is look for a phone to order a pizza," says a probably overpaid chief technology officer, whose ignorance of the fact that every kid today always has a cellphone in their pocket is so surprising, we have to wonder if a court order is preventing him from interacting with minors.
But hey, it's such a hassle to take your phone out of your pocket and press a bunch of buttons. Just think how many of the Halos you could have Called to Duty in that time. Sure, using your Xbox controller to assemble a pizza won't be any faster, but that's why the app supports motion control and, holy shit, voice commands. Ordering a pizza by talking? It's the technology of several decades ago, today!
Our days of screaming in vain for Italian food are long over.
"Call it the ultimate multi-task for any Millennial," because nothing will appeal to young efficiency freaks like finding a save point for their game, quitting to the dashboard, firing up the Pizza Hut app, waving their hands around to order a pizza through interpretive dance, then sitting through a bunch of loading screens when they start their game up again.
"Tip: Pizza Hut is Commander Shepard's favorite franchise!"
After the pizza arrives and you, ugh, get up and go to the door to get it like a peasant, your loved ones will of course join in on the feast and watch you cut space monsters in half with a chainsaw. After all, modern families "gather around their gaming consoles as much as they gather around their dinner tables," according to Pizza Hut's chief marketing officer, a man who presumably cut all ties with his family and lives alone in a storage locker. We're guessing that parents prefer to sit at the table and have a conversation with their kids, rather than on the couch in the basement, listening to their beloved children as they yell racial slurs at strangers.
Tom Le Goff/Photodisc/Getty Images
"That's more threats of forced sodomy than I'm comfortable hearing."
Oh, but before your family settles in, make sure you share your order with the app's Facebook integration so all your friends know you got an extra-large meat lover's with a side of bread sticks to unlock the "appetizer" achievement. "People will want to let their friends know they spent their evening playing video games and that they were too lazy to get off the couch or reach into their pocket!" went a human being's thought process, somehow. It's like they knew pizza, Facebook, and video games are all popular and profitable, and figured that was enough research before they hit the cocaine.
USA Today also helpfully points out that "gamers often turn to food, like pizza, to amass the energy to keep playing." While it is true that gamers, like many humans, do convert food into energy, if sitting on a couch and pressing buttons tires you to the point of exhaustion, you have larger concerns than being peckish.
"This is just so tiring. Wait, no, that's probably the leukemia."
Although USA Today also calls the Xbox a "gaming counsel" which, while adorable, says that a healthy dose of skepticism should be applied to their opinions.
"The only thing better than our legal advice is our sick Madden skills."
So thanks, Pizza Hut, for bringing us an app nobody asked for that will let us awkwardly order pizza nobody likes by addressing problems nobody had. We can't wait until Sony announces that the PS4 will come with exclusive Domino's support and a bitter rivalry begins.
You can read more from Mark, and grab a fresh slice of pepperoni, at his website.