From entitled douchebags looking to hook up to a game show based on musical chairs, April is the kind of month that lets us know exactly what the television programmers of the world think of us. The short answer: They hate us. So much.
Here are the four least anticipated television shows of April 2013.
#4. Ready for Love (NBC, April 9)
NBC's new series Ready for Love promises to change the way you think about dating, and if the promos are any indication, they've totally nailed it. After checking one out, we're thinking we'll probably just give up on dating forever.
If you watch that clip, and we know you won't, get ready to fire up your sympathy machines as you listen to the kind of male eye candy you could exchange for all the cigarettes in prison complain about the rigors of finding love when life has cursed you with beach-ready abs, good looks, and boatloads of money.
Basically, Ready for Love is The Bachelor for people who prefer NBC, which, ideally, is no one.
#3. Remember Sunday (ABC, April 21)
Have you ever wondered what Groundhog Day would have been like if it was a terrible Lifetime movie instead of a fantastic comedy starring Bill Murray? Of course not, that's a nightmare. Unfortunately, it's a nightmare that's coming true this month.
In Remember Sunday, "down-on-her-luck waitress" Molly (Alexis Bledel) meets jewelry store clerk Gus (Zachary Levi) and immediately falls for his charms. Complications arise in an unintentionally hilarious way when it's revealed that Gus suffered a brain aneurysm a few years earlier that's left him the victim of a strange condition that wipes his memory clean every day when his alarm clock goes off. You might recognize that as what 90 percent of the married world would describe as "paradise."
This dreck debuts on ABC later this month because, as we've all learned in recent years, standards are for cable.
#2. Bet on Your Baby (ABC, April 13)
We'd be lying if we said that ABC is not absolutely killing it in the terrible television department this month. A full week before Remember Sunday makes head trauma romantic again, Bet on Your Baby finally makes exploiting your children safe for network television.
Combining parenting tips with the dark charm of an Off Track Betting parlor, this show promises "serious bling if your kid can do the right thing," which should be your first clue that this idea was conceived sometime in the mid-2000s when prime time game shows and saying "bling" were both things people still enjoyed. If those are times that you can't let go of, buckle up for the two-hour series premiere to watch families compete for the ultimate grand prize of $50,000. Don't get too excited, cash-strapped parents of the world -- the money just goes toward the kid's college education.
And another dream bites the dust. Thanks, kids!
#1. What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (E!, April 21)
Conflict alert! Make sure there's plenty of gas in your DVR on April 21, because Olympic "star" Ryan Lochte makes his completely unnecessary return to television with his own series on the E! channel called What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
The obvious answer to the question posed in this show's title would be "Talk shit about being better than Michael Phelps and then win half as many gold medals as he did," but we already saw that when we watched the Olympics last summer.
Instead, expect the same "spontaneous" bursts of "hilarity" that happen every time you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians. It's what E! does best.
For more from Diana, follow her on Twitter.