It's December, and if this year is anything like last, that means Christmas is right around the corner. If you're the hosting type, it's likely you'll be searching for a few Christmas albums to provide the background music to your various gatherings and get-togethers that are sure to happen during the coming days and weeks. We have a the-town-in-Footloose-on-dancing-like take on Christmas music around the office, so we don't have much in the way of advice as to what albums you should choose. But here are four that we can't imagine anyone will look forward to hearing this holiday season.
#4. Colbie Caillat -- Christmas in the Sand
With Christmas in the Sand, Colbie Caillat joins that esteemed group of musicians who think they're the first person to have the bright idea to live in California. But this time around, the usual reminders that the West Coast is sunny and lies in close proximity to the ocean are mixed with messages of peace and joy and shopping for last-minute trinkets to appease your friends who are really too laid back about life to care about presents anyway. Everybody in Cali just likes to chillax for Christmas, bro. Pick this album up and find that out the hard way.
#3. Kenny G -- The Classic Christmas Album
If the only thing you want for Christmas is to hear a dozen or so Christmas standards rendered nearly indistinguishable from one another by the room-dominating force that is Kenny G's big stupid horn, then you're a dick. Also, you should buy this album, because that's what this is probably going to be. We couldn't tell you for sure, since there's no way we'd listen to this intentionally, but you can probably hear the whole thing if you say "fuck health" and take the elevator instead of the stairs at work this holiday season.
#2. Scotty McCreery -- Christmas With Scotty McCreery
Speaking of things that sound exactly the same, expect soccer mom drawers to drop for this monotone American Idol alum who doubles as country music's answer to the deep-voiced guy from Boyz II Men given way too much responsibility.
Listening to a voice like that for more than 20 minutes straight is going to send all but your most patient of house guests fleeing for the door. Put this one on when the party's been going a bit longer than you'd hoped it would and all you want is for everyone to get the hell out.
#1. Rod Stewart -- Merry Christmas, Baby
The hardest thing about putting together a Rod Stewart album these days is deciding which gray suit Rod will wear while shooting come-hither stares at the ladies from his perch atop the Starbucks POS music displays all across this great land. The rest is just him putting his unique spin (which is to sing them in his best Rod Stewart voice) on a few old-time standards.
He's followed this same formula to massive success on like four albums in a row now. Whether you realize it or not, Rod Stewart is really your mom's favorite musician these days. If you're going home for Christmas, don't be surprised to hear this playing, most likely at the exact moment you regret ever leaving the confines of your apartment.