#2. White People Are Fashion Accessories
I was once asked to pretend that I was the American vice president of an air-conditioning producer. I am not American, but that didn't matter. I was supposed to go to a huge restaurant where I would be on a stage with the local mayor and other party bigwigs and make a speech to 500 farmers and their families. This only happened because I "had the right face for it," which in China is code for "chuck a whitey in there to look more official."
Presenting President John Everyman, CEO of America.
Some large Chinese companies hire white guys to stand around the office and look successful when a prospective client visits, because nothing shows hedonistic excess like being able to afford a pet white dude. Most of the Caucasian teachers hired for work in lower-tier Chinese cities aren't there for their expertise, but because it looks good to have a white face around. I know Filipinos, African-Americans, and other Asian nationals who are much more qualified than their white counterparts but haven't been offered jobs because their faces made the tragic mistake of not having escaped from a J.C. Penney catalog.
No white person in China will ever go thirsty, because most clubs will straight up give you free booze just so you'll sit around and class up the place with your alluring pastiness. China loves Westerners so much that they're building entire replicas of European and American towns right on their own turf. In my city, there are currently plans for at least two Italian-style towns full of luxury villas, despite the fact that no one will ever live in them. But that's not a new problem in China. It's like the construction companies consider people happily living and breathing within these spaces to be an unpleasant side effect of building them.
Moment Open / Getty
Finally, all the pleasures of the quaint English countryside with none of the damned people.
#1. The Government Controls Everything. No, Seriously: Everything
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You've probably heard tales about the Orwellian Chinese government arresting journalists, or hiring 2 million people to police the Internet (as though mere humans could ever stuff that particular monster back in the box). Then there's the whole birth control issue. You're probably aware of China's one-child policy, but it's a different matter living with it. Women who work for government departments are subject to an invasive medical exam once a year to make sure they're adhering to the policy, even if they already went through menopause. Just in case they're ... harboring a secret uterus?
It's slightly more insane if you actually do have a child: When we bought our first pregnancy test, there was a discount card for an abortion clinic inside it. Half the Bible Belt would explode if they tried that kind of thing in America. When my wife actually got pregnant, we had to go to about three different government offices to get checked out, fill in a bunch of forms, and then get a little book with the number of our fetus on it. Remember when people were worried that smartphones were the mark of the beast? They're bar-coding the unborn over here like the evil robots from The Matrix, and it's just business as usual.
"I'm sorry, but according to my bar code reader, you're not due for another two months."
Those are the big issues of government control, but they're not the only issues: There's lots of small stuff they want total authority over, too -- like when you get to heat your own house. There are no private utility companies, meaning that the heat gets turned on when Beijing thinks it's sweater weather, not before. The heat season usually starts mid-November, but what if you're dealing with a particularly cold October? Tough beans, buddy. Have you tried snuggling? If not, you're in clear violation of the government-enforced spooning program.*
*Not actually a thing ... yet.
Siri Stafford/Digital Vision/Getty Images
If it's a particularly cold winter, try a threesome!
And then there was the time they forced people to smoke more cigarettes, like a stern sitcom father trying to teach a rebellious teenager the dangers of peer pressure. Officials at the Hubei province once famously ordered government employees to smoke more cigarettes to boost the local economy. Maybe it was also their way of slowly culling the number of old folks in China so they wouldn't have to force so many people to visit their elderly parents? Because that's another real law China has on the books: Official legislation forces you to visit your elderly relatives. We're basically talking government-mandated family game night here.
Not pictured: the officers holding him there at gunpoint.
Related Reading: Interested in some personal experiences a little closer to home? Learn about life as a 911 operator. Cracked also talked to a transgender woman and a military bomb hunter. You more interested in the life of a hacker? We can tell you about that, too. Got a story of your own to contribute? Send us an email.