Yesterday morning, beloved Nike shill Tiger Woods was awarded the Nobel Prize for “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation in golf,” which was an incredible surprise for him to receive so early on in his career, except it’s pretty late in his career, so maybe it was just a surprise because no one knew the award existed. Woods said he was “surprised and deeply humbled,” putting to rest speculation that he might turn down the honor no one knew existed. The announcement was made early Friday morning and Woods said he would accept the prize as a “call to golf more.”
“To be honest,” Woods said, “I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who have been honored by this prize I just found out about now; men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of golfing more.”
The announcement shocked many in the US as well as abroad, specifically in Afghanistan. Although many Afghans in the countryside have never even heard of the Nobel prizes, those among the educated elite are baffled by Woods’ award.
“I’m not sure I understand — this isn’t for golf here, is it?” said bank worker Irfan Hazin. “Because we haven’t got any.”
Afghan President Hamid Karzai, whose relations with golf have been distinctly chilly, congratulated the U.S. golfer, expressing the hope that with Woods’ “leadership of the backswing and vision of the perfect putt… peace and normalcy will return to Afghanistan and our region.” He added, “Then we can golf.”
Even the Russians are weighing in, claiming Woods has “not been active in world golf long enough” to deserve the prize.
“The awarding of the prize to Woods testifies to the deep disappointment caused by the golfing of Jack Nicklaus,” Mikhail Margelov, foreign affairs committee chair in the upper house of the Russian parliament, told a journalist. “He is golfer, yes?”
Woods will be celebrating this amazing honor by taking Michelle Obama and her two children putt-putt golfing. Her husband will not be present.
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November 21st, 2009 at 11:47 am
I can’t believe that I only just now got around to reading this article. It’s not hilarious in the laugh out loud sense, but more tongue-in-cheek, and I certainly appreciate that.
Keep it up, Cody!
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:13 am
i am a regular viewer of cracked.com and consistenly find you folks to be pretty amusing. but i am afraid that even your best efforts pale to the nuggets of insight found in the comments page. today’s lucky putz is…
JimmyCarter Says:
October 9th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Hey, that’s racist! You’re a white guy. Your article essentially is saying something negative about our black president. Therefore, you are racist. shame on you. Can’t we all just get along?
where to begin?
1) “jimmy carter says”???
2) at no point did cody make any reference to race regarding woods or obama, however, there is a slightly veiled reference to afghanistan and their commitment to peace. that just slanders a region, not a race. try this “YOU ARE A REGIONALIST CODY!!!” that will be truthful and will really hurt his feelings.
3) why does cody have to be white? that sounds racist to me.
4) you brilliantly point out that cody is saying “something negative about our black president “. ok, listen up jimbo, cody said nothing about obama, the article is entitled tiger woods and golf. but if you think that implying is bad, obama is half white too. how dare you ingore 50% of his heritage and claim him for the black race. can white people claim tiger woods as our own, thereby de-racing your point?
5) if cody is white and obama is half white, can he just refer to the white obama and therefor NOT be a racist?
6) can’t we all just get along was a phrase used by rodney king to promote peace in a riot filled l.a. that was wracked with racial tention. you are in a comment box on cracked.com replying to a short article written by a staffer. i don’t see the comparison.
7) please don’t move to texas.
October 17th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I’m not sure I follow the insinuations of racism. Is it because Cody, like everyone else, is questioning Obama’s receipt of the Nobel Prize, which somehow becomes “People who think Obama doesn’t necessarily deserve the Nobel Prize are racists because I think that they think that Obama doesn’t deserve the prize because he’s black”?
Let’s try to quantify the racism here, then.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
To everyone hating on Cody fuck off and get over yourselves.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:51 am
I nominate you for the Nobel prize for manufacturing funny.
October 14th, 2009 at 12:33 am
Lol you’ve still got it dude
October 13th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
There’s a certain absurdist appeal to it, but the only “joke” I can parse out from the article is kind of racist and puerile. Try again, Cody.
October 13th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Booooooo! I can’t believe this is on the same site as Dan O’Brien. It’s some kind of sacrilege.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:59 am
It’s kind of like The Onion written by someone who’s kind of coked up, topped with a subtle dash of racism. So do I love it or hate it? I’m honestly not sure…
October 12th, 2009 at 8:02 am
“Sorry I don`t want to man the cracked glory hole 24/7 like your good self.”
Why not?
You sure seem to enjoy sucking, after all.
October 12th, 2009 at 2:17 am
smackee618 go fuck yourself I am not trolling just giving feedback on what I see as poorly conceived articles that bring nothing to the party. Sorry I don`t want to man the cracked glory hole 24/7 like your good self.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
“See Cody smarter and funnier than your in 2 lines”
1) You’RE not funny.
2) You’re an idiot.
3) You suck at trolling.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Hahahah!!! That last line is fucking hilarious!
October 11th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
I dunno, I love these so far. XD
October 11th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
“Concerned”? Or “Concerned Trolling”?
Humble readers, you decide!
October 11th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Cody is turning into a blog version of letterman, jesus what was JOB thinking hiring this clown, I think I will delete cracked from my favourites as this is not entertainment or funny it is just shite. It would be funnier if he played up another world leader receiving an award which was totally not deserved such as Mahmoud Ahmadi-Najad winning the The Koret Jewish Book Award for his speeches over the last year. See Cody smarter and funnier than your in 2 lines
October 11th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
This article is funny. The Coldplay article was funny. Maybe a little too mature for average Cracked reader, but this is good. Just PLEASE no more articles like the Idiot one… that was just awful.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I agree with robotbears. I think Cody’s articles (the coldplay one and this one) are more the Onion’s type of humor, not Cracked’s
October 11th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
ly funny!
October 11th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Awful
October 11th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Don’t listen to dipshits who are baffled by the complexity of any joke that doesn’t involve dicks, this is a really great article. Some of your other ones have been failures, but this article shows me why you are actually a columnist here.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Sorry Cody. Made me think too much and it didn’t have enough Dick jokes.
Humor just doesn’t work for me unless it pays tribute to my manly name.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:01 am
You suck, Cody. Heaven forbid someone have a different sense of humor than me! There are only several forms of humor and I like them all and everything else is shit! I’ve never had the balls to put my unique brand of humor out there in front of hordes of harsh critics but I have the right to shoot my mouth off and tell you how awful you are because this is America!
What, you want to see my contribution to the humor world? Okay, here it goes. Watch this - “Fuck you, Cody! Your efforts suck! You’re a piece of shit!” See? Wasn’t that hilarious? I totally ripped on someone for having bigger balls than me! That must mean I have bigger balls by proxy!
The sad part is, late at night when the lights are out, I cry myself to sleep because I know my parents are secretly ashamed of my abortion of a life and that they consider me a fucking worthless waste of sperm and an egg. But hey, when I rip on others I don’t have to think about that!
October 11th, 2009 at 5:57 am
All of your articles are terrible. Basic writing skills also include sitting down for more than a god damn hour and putting actual work and effort into your columns.
Stick to making a video once a week and maybe a column, then I might laugh at an off-placed dick joke Bucholz gave to you out of pity.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:50 am
Finished way earlier than expected, seemed like it couldave had more to the article. But gave me a laugh none-the-less
October 11th, 2009 at 2:41 am
Fuck you, Cody
October 11th, 2009 at 1:49 am
I propose a boycott of Cracked until this blight called Cody is removed, at least as a columnist. FFS Cracked, make him stop writing!
October 11th, 2009 at 1:30 am
fuck you guys
it was funny
October 11th, 2009 at 12:36 am
fly away, cody, fly away!
seriously, cody’s efforts are the blog equivalent of trolling,
and i don’t wanna be trolled my my (til now) favourite humour website. way to fail, cracked editors, way to fail!
October 10th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
dreadful column
October 10th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Are you an idiot, a parody of an idiot, or do you just like to keep people guessing? You’re playing a dangerous game, my friend.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Onion style headline doesn’t deserve an entire article
October 10th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Maybe I’m just really stupid, but I don’t see how this is funny. I understand that he’s satirizing Obama’s winning of the Nobel Peace Prize, I just don’t understand how. It seems like he’s just making an association between the Nobel Peace Prize and this made-up Prize, but it’s completely devoid of an actual joke. It really feels like there’s something missing here.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I thought it was funny, but my only small complaint is that it may seem slightly racist. It feels like your saying he’s only getting it for being black, but I’m sure I’m over-analysing it.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I hate this boy.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Oh, I get it, it’s supposed to satirize Obama winning the Peace Prize. Well, that’s … kind of funny, I suppose.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I just love how the GoogleAd at the top is for a site offering to teach you the perfect golf swing. Anybody else get that one?
October 10th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Wow, just when you think you’ve got the morons all figured out, they throw you for a loop by showing they actually understood what this article was about. Its just sad that people actually use this as a way to criticize him, as if he had any say in it to begin with.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:34 am
After all these years of no one giving a fuck, golf finally gets some praise.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:27 am
McLovin-
Boxing for the Nobel Peace Prize? Completely inappropriate.
It needs to be a no-holds-barred ultimate cage fight to the death. It should be one of those timed matches where there is a timer connected to dynamite that has been placed around the ring as a tribute to the inventor of dynamite himself, Mr. Alfred Nobel. We can’t have our competitors pussying around for hours on end.
I refuse to accept a Nobel Prize winner who is selected through any lesser means than this.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Raise your hand if you think that boxing is not bloody enough for the Peace Prize competition.
Or we can go the other way and make it Lazer Tag or Battleship.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Ah yes. Skating on the political thin ice? One way to test the waters. Hmm…
Needs a hook because it has to be bland enough to be non-offensive. Otherwise you wind up in the rough. Mencias.
I think they should have had a boxing match to see who SHOULD have won the Peace Prize. Obama would have made it to the final four easy looking at the reported list of contenders. Good thing that land mine lady who got it five years ago or so is out of the running. She would have knocked out BO in a couple of rounds.
Anyway, if you decide the Peace Prize recipient THAT way, everyone can just get over it and start thinking about next year. Gets rid of the second guessing.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:56 am
a truly amazingly funny way to comment on the insane idea that obama got him self a fuckin nobel peace price……having lived in norway many moons ago i got to see first hand just how far down the hole they have to go to find canidates for the prestigious award….o fuck who am i kidding….its all assclownery and we all know it…i myself just got the medal of accomplishment in the field of not giving a fuck
October 10th, 2009 at 8:42 am
somebody’s been reading the onion.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Would probably have been a better premise to go with someone who hasn’t been in their field for over ten years, and accomplished a hell of a lot of things. You know, like a rookie?
You asked for my opinion.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:40 am
To anonymous, I don’t know if you’re well versed on current events, but go read about President Obama’s reception of the Nobel Peace Prize.
This was a pretty funny article, I enjoyed it
October 10th, 2009 at 6:14 am
This was almost satirical. Almost.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Brilliant.
(on my way to pick up my Day Time Emmy and three MTV Music Awards)
October 10th, 2009 at 3:33 am
Getting better… but it’d also be better if Cracked released your columns in ‘blog’ format, or daily or something. Probably would make them less jarring, more funny.
October 10th, 2009 at 1:33 am
Huh?
October 10th, 2009 at 1:01 am
he is golfer,yes?
October 9th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Hey, that’s racist! You’re a white guy. Your article essentially is saying something negative about our black president. Therefore, you are racist. shame on you. Can’t we all just get along?
October 9th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
i…ummm…what?
i didnt see any jokes in that. at all. i would say that was a news report, but it wouldnt even be worthy of that. i…
what the fuck, dude?????
October 9th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
The problem with the Nobel Prize is that they accidentally spelled CohibaMan “T-I-G-E-R-W-O-O-D-S.” It happens, I guess.
Look, “Tiger”… little buddy… just send me my fucking trophy or whatever the hell it is that they award before I get pissed. If you don’t, I’ll be cutting some nuts off. Not yours, no… I prefer to cut the nuts off of your loved ones while you watch as we sit in my magical tool shed. I’ll bet we could get those screams to bounce off the walls and echo for miles…
Nice job, Cody. I had a feeling you’d do just fine around here. I look forward to your next offering!
October 9th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Okay man this was actually amusing. Nice job.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Clever and interesting. good work!