The Curse Of The Moongician (And Other Tales To Tell ‘Round Midnight) presents…
The Slightly Haunted Mansion Party
(Across The Street From The Significantly More Haunted Mansion Party)
The invitations were sent out by The Mysterious Host three years before the date of the party. He wanted to ensure everyone would attend, for this was no ordinary party. It was a dinner party, and those (he felt) were more important than ordinary parties.
One week after the invitations were sent out, The Mysterious Host received his first RSVP. “No way,” it said. The Mysterious Host infuriated himself (meaning that he was infuriated).
“No?!?” he shouted to the ceiling. “Fuck you…” he turned the RSVP over. “Fuck you, Rilph Mangoomery! You will be attending this dinner party!”
The Mysterious Host walked over to the fireplace that was somehow in the center of the room. A strange beaked sculpture sat atop the mantle. The beak had eyes and The Mysterious Host stared at them for a good four minutes, deep in concentration and infuriation. Very suddenly, a tuxedoed man with no beak to speak of entered the great hall.
“What is it, Toddy?” whispered The Mysterious Host.
Toddy (the butler) lowered his head and spoke softly, “The kindly basement ghosts told me the first RSVP has arrived.”
“That it has, Toddy. That it has.”
“And…?”
“It is no matter, Toddy,” answered The Mysterious Host. “Everyone will attend. The Beaked Sculpture will make sure of that.”
“Of course,” said Toddy oh so humbly. “Will the Master need anything else before bed?”
“Nothing out of the ordinary, Toddy.”
“So just the hug, then?”
“Yes, Toddy. Just the hug.”
Toddy (the butler) hobbled over to The Mysterious Host and gave him a great big hug. He whistled horribly as he walked out of the room, leaving The Mysterious Host alone.
“Make sure the kindly basement ghosts don’t stay up too late,” said The Mysterious Host. “They have school tomorrow.”
“Of course, sir,” Toddy whispered as he closed the door behind him.
*****************************************************
Three years later, after four more negative RSVP’s and four more assurances from the Beaked Sculpture that everyone would attend, it was time for the dinner party. The mansion was alive with activity even though most everyone in the mansion was very much dead. The preparations were 3 years in the making and The Mysterious Host was elated with the results, though he was currently hiding in the dungeon’s closet until the designated time. The food was delicious, the place was spotless, and the terror was being kept to a minimum.
“BING-BONG-BOO!” shrieked the doorbell, and Toddy (the butler) hobbled to the gate. He opened the door, glanced out, and turned back around.
“The Duke and Duchess of Jersey!” Toddy announced, as a marvelously-wigged couple entered the mansion. They glanced around the great hall in awe. They would have gawked, but neither of them could open their jaws ever since a few days after they RSVP’d that they would not be attending the party.
“And yet here you are,” thought the nearby Beaked Sculpture. Both the Duke and Duchess avoided its gaze but could still feel its eyes penetrating their decadence.
“BING-BONG-BOO!” shrieked the doorbell.
“General Bonard Ancients!” announced Toddy, as a gruff old man in a tan uniform entered. His medals were so plentiful that many of them had to stay home, but his favorites were still adorning his uniform. “Most Burdens Carried.” “Best R & B Album of 2006.” “Bravest Handshake.” The General’s gun could also be seen holstered on his right side.
“You’re going to have to do better than that,” thought the Beaked Sculpture.
Bonard coughed into his hand, which (after the cough) had a spot of blood on it. Yes, General Ancients had been coughing up blood ever since several days after he RSVP’d that he could not attend the party.
“BING-BONG-BOO!” shrieked the doorbell.
Toddy opened the front gate once more and announced, “Please welcome Lady Hello I’m Beth!”
Lady Hello I’m Beth entered quaintly and quietly. She walked with grace and frailty, and her pale white skin was reminiscent of any porcelain doll you might want to consider at the moment. She glanced at General Ancients’ blood-splattered palm and felt a pang of envy.
“Yes,” thought the Beaked Sculpture. “You miss your blood, don’t you?”
Lady Hello I’m Beth did, in fact, miss her blood greatly, but she was definitely not going to answer the Beaked Sculpture. This was partly because the Beaked Sculpture was thinking and not speaking, but more importantly she was terrified of it.
“BING-BONG-BOO!” shrieked the doorbell.
“My goodness, what a startling doorbell,” said a startled Lady Hello I’m Beth.
“Don’t worry, madam,” consoled General Ancients. “There is nothing to be too worried about. The truly terrifying mansion is across the street.”
The Duke and Duchess of Jersey gave their muffled agreement.
The final two guests arrived at the same time. Dr. Marney Eloquence was one of them. He was a basketball-maker turned avalanche expert. The other was Rilph Mangoomery, the famous Congressman and dancer. Each had seven black eyes. Mangoomery also sported a nasty limp. In the interest of keeping things moving, let’s just say the Beaked Sculpture taunted both of them and then it was time for dinner.
***********************************************************
The mansion’s overly polite staff served dinner promptly and accurately. They were clearly specters of some kind, but they were extremely helpful and mostly kept to themselves. Mostly.
Dinner was a kind of meat and a kind of vegetable and that was that. The Mysterious Host’s empty chair at the head of the table was so noticeable, his absence was practically all they discussed. One thing they for sure didn’t want to discuss was the Beaked Sculpture that was perched on the back of The Mysterious Host’s empty chair.
“Does anyone even know who owns this mansion?” asked the General.
“Reason and logic would dictate whoever it is should be sitting in that chair,” deduced Dr. Eloquence. “You see, when I was in the Andes studying avalanches’ effect on marmalade, I found that—”
“Listen, Egghead,” interrupted the General. “Your scientific babble will do you no good here. You must know how haunted this mansion is.”
“Only slightly, it would seem,” observed the Doctor. “You see, when I was in my lab, conducting experiments to determine whether or not avalanches could survive a nicotine overdose, I found that-“
“AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” came a spine-shattering scream from somewhere outside the mansion.
“Oh, good heavens!” exclaimed Lady Hello I’m Beth.
“You still needn’t worry, madam,” General Ancients calmly told her. “That definitely came from across the street. I can only imagine what those guests are going through.”
“Certainly not such a pleasant meal as this,” she mused.
“Certainly not,” Bonard gruffly agreed.
“You know,” Dr. Eloquence began. “This meal actually reminds me of back when I made basketballs and accidentally discovered Avalanchium. It was a-”
“This is ridiculous!” shouted a so-far silent Rilph Mangoomery. “What are we doing here?”
He stood up and began to limp back and forth. “We are all here against our will, we are all here at the mercy of that… that thing,” he said and pointed to the Beaked Sculpture. “And the worst part is, we don’t even know why we’re here. Tell me, doctor, can your science explain any of that?”
“Funny you should mention science, Congressman,” the doctor began. “When I was getting my masters at The Fancy School For Universities, I found that a pinch of salt and just a dash of imagination can conjure up quite the-“
The room suddenly fell silent. Not because anyone was interested in what Marney had to say, but because the Beaked Sculpture began to move. So far, it would only randomly appear somewhere and remain still. No one had seen the Beaked Sculpture since… well, since it had locked the Duke and Duchess of Jersey’s mouths shut, done something horrible to General Bonard Ancients’ lungs, drained Lady Hello I’m Beth’s blood, given Dr. Eloquence seven black eyes, and given Congressman Mangoomery seven black eyes and a gimpy leg.
“It’s…” whispered Lady Hello I’m Beth. “It’s moving…”
“Quiet, madam!” the General advised. “We do not yet know its true intentions.”
The Duke and Duchess added their muffled agreement.
“What’s the matter, Duke?” the Beaked Sculpture thought. “Beaked Sculpture got your tongue?”
The guests stared at the Beaked Sculpture as it spread its wheels and flew out the door. There was more silence.
“It has wheels?” Lady Hello I’m Beth asked meekly.
“TODDY!” shouted the General, and Toddy appeared rather quickly.
“Yes, General Ancients?” asked Toddy politely.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!?”
“Oh…” Toddy looked down at the floor and avoided eye contact. “Master does not want me to discuss the Beaked Sculpture, sir.”
“And your master is…?”
“Oh…” Toddy looked down at a different area of floor and continued to avoid eye contact. “Master does not want me to discuss who master is, sir.”
“Then what fucking GOOD ARE YOU?” barked the General, and he raised his hand for slappin’. Toddy cowered as Congressman Mangoomery walked over to the General.
“This is not how we should go about this, General,” Rilph said calmly. “We may be confused and a bit frightened by this slightly haunted mansion, but we are all civilized people who just had a wonderful meal and we are still guests in this mystery person’s slightly haunted home.”
The General lowered his slappin’ hand and sat back down. “I’m sorry, Toddy,” he said. “You may go about your business.”
Toddy was gone in a flash and the guests were left to pick at their one kind of meat and one kind of vegetable.
“Perhaps it is our estranged father wishing to bring us all back together so we can forgive each other in time for the holidays,” suggested Lady Hello I’m Beth.
“We are not siblings, M’lady,” the General pointed out.
“Just an idea,” Lady Hello I’m Beth mumbled.
“No need to be embarrassed, good woman,” Dr. Eloquence said. “Sometimes the most unlikely answer is the correct one. Why, when I was using Avalanche Theory to divorce my whore wife of fifteen years, I discovered that a particular strain of avalanche bacteria, when left out in the sun for several days, can act as a very effective-“
“AAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!” came another scream from across the street.
“My…” began Congressman Mangoomery. “Despite the unknown circumstances of our coming together, I am quite glad we are not attending the party across the street.”
“Indeed,” the General concurred. “All we have to deal with are these…” He pointed to the several kindly basement ghosts in the corner. They had been doing a fancy jig for the guests’ enjoyment, as well as their own. “I suppose the only truly terrifying part of this mansion is that cursed thing with the beak.”
“BING-BONG-BOO!” shrieked the doorbell.
The guests all glanced at each other. All of the guests had already arrived. They were all the guests. Who could possibly be at the door?
“Well, if no one else is curious…” said Congressman Mangoomery as he stood up. “I am going to see who could possibly be at the door.”
“Of course I’m curious, Mr. Mangoomery,” replied Dr. Eloquence. “I am a man of science, after all. In fact, during my younger years I did several experiments on the effects dry pussy has on cow hearts which I think you would find fascinating. You see, on Tuesdays, and ONLY on Tuesdays, an avalanche will—”
*****************************************************
Moments earlier…
The Mysterious Host had waited long enough. The dungeon’s closet was starting to feel quite cramped, and it was almost time for the big reveal. As if it were all planned ahead, which it was, there was a knock at the closet door. The Mysterious Host opened it and saw the Beaked Sculpture waiting for him.
“So it is time…” said The Mysterious Host.
“It is time,” thought the Beaked Sculpture.
“Well?!” asked The Mysterious Host.
“Yes,” spoke the Beaked Sculpture. “It is time.”
“Very good. Tell the doorbell to shriek.”
The Beaked Sculpture bowed, spread its wheels, and flew off. The Mysterious Host clasped his hands together.
“What a great party,” he thought.
***********************************************************
Right about now…
“BING-BONG-BOO!” shrieked the doorbell once more.
The guests had gathered together in the main hall. Toddy finally arrived and headed toward the front gate as the kindly ghosts passed out treats and complimented everyone.
“Are we to finally meet our mystery host?” asked literally everyone at the same time. Except of course for the Duke and Duchess of Jersey, who blinked “Are we to finally meet our mystery host?”
“Perhaps,” said Toddy.
“PERHAPS?!?” shouted an irate General Ancients.
“I mean ‘yes,’” Toddy corrected himself. “But he is not at the door.”
“Surprise!” yelled The Mysterious Host from behind everyone. He was cloaked from head to toe and his face was shrouded in darkness. Perhaps one day he will be described at length, but it is not this day.
“YOU!” shouted Congressman Mangoomery.
“Yes,” replied The Mysterious Host, then he paused. “Wait, do you know me? Can you see my face?”
“No,” Mangoomery said quietly. “I just… you know. Just felt right.”
“Well, I appreciate you all attending my party. I do hope you enjoyed yourselves.”
“To be quite honest,” the General began. “This was one of the better parties I’ve been to. My only complaint would be the means by which you forced us to attend.” He coughed into his hand for the second time that evening. There was much blood.
“Ah, yes, I do very much apologize for my methods,” The Mysterious Host gestured to his Beaked Sculpture. “Which reminds me… Beaky?”
The Beaked Sculpture stood on up on all sixes. A low hum was heard until it became a very loud low hum. A flash of bright light emanated from the thing and in less than a second the light and the Beaked Sculpture were gone.
“I do declare!” exclaimed The Duchess of Jersey.
“I also do very much declare!” exclaimed The Duke of Jersey.
Yes, everyone seemed quite fine. The Duke and Duchess could speak, the fourteen black eyes had disappeared, the General was breathing healthily, and the color and blood seemed to have returned to Lady Hello I’m Beth. Congressman Rilph Mangoomery, thrilled that his leg was now in full working condition, did a few fruity little dance steps for posterity.
“Everyone feel better?” asked The Mysterious Host.
“What ho!” cried Dr. Eloquence. “I dare say, I haven’t felt this good in ages. Why, this reminds me of my days backpacking across the periodic table. We had just finished cramming some worms in our centrifuge when—”
“Again,” The Mysterious Host interrupted. “I apologize for any inconvenience your ailments may have caused over the last three years. But like I said, I needed to assure you would attend tonight.”
“But why?” demanded the General.
“BING-BONG-BOO!” shrieked the doorbell one more time.
“Ah, yes. It’s time for the ‘big reveal,’ as it were.”
The Mysterious Host nodded to Toddy, who opened the front gate to reveal blue skies and the freshest of grasses.
“Do you see?” asked The Mysterious Host.
“Uh… what?” asked a confused Rilph Mangoomery.
“We have been on Earth all along,” explained The Mysterious Host.
“I’m pretty sure we all assumed that from the very beginning.”
“Yeah, well…”
The End.
This entry was posted on Friday, October 9th, 2009 at 4:24 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 9th, 2009 at 6:47 am
“Again,” The Mysterious Host interrupted. < That was a sneaky one.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
The rest were great.
This one… boring and boorish.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
i thought this was fantastic!
best quote:
“Why, this reminds me of my days backpacking across the periodic table. We had just finished cramming some worms in our centrifuge when—”
It’s so absurdly perfect! super super short story
November 8th, 2009 at 10:26 am
I generally like your articles for them being weird…but this sucked
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:01 am
Great ending.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Ho-lee SHIT!! Man, Cody, that shit was so fucking hilarious!!
Jesus, i just about pissed myself!!! So many times throughout reading this i would lose my breathe in a laughing fit, while saying “what the fuck!?” to myself!! And i wasn’t laughing because of a “OMGLOL RANDOM!!” sorta way, i hate shit like that…
This was legitimately hilarious!!!!! Shit!! Hahaha!
October 16th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
That was funny and entertaining. It reminds me of the time I was waterboarding in Transylvania (they castle’s there are so nice), and I applied a dash of avalanchium to the water I was pouring over you - oh, wait, I must be a few months early… YOU BASTARD. I expected that the ending would be crappy, but I never expected it to be so lame. Still, very good job. So good, in fact, that I will use the basketball-backpack solution of avalanchium on you, instead of the regular kind! Keep of the good work, you know, when I’m not waterboarding you… wait, here! Take this water-proof laptop for writing on! Now, we need not take breaks! Which reminds me of the time I was inventing the science of textbook and accidentally integrated with respect to cheeseburgers instead of zombies… and, well… suffice it to say that you should not look into the science of lighting things on cheese too hard. Oh! Which reminds me of the time
October 16th, 2009 at 10:32 am
……………………………………………. what?……wait what?
October 15th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
awesome. i wanna give you syphillis in the funnest way possible
October 14th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Man, I love your writing style, my only problem was the end, I was expecting something different, like in the rpevious tale, you gave a definite end, there were no final questions, everything was fine, here, I feel that there was a great mystery, and we were not able to know which one it was … thing that is interesting, but, I don’t knbow … any way, consider me a fan of your great writing =p
October 14th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I loved this. Some people get it and some people don’t, which is a shame because it’s so so great and entertaining if you do.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
seriously… wtf? this wasn’t humorous. It was simply randomness thrown together into an article in an attempt to achieve a laugh out of the reader’s pure confusion.
October 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
good shit hiroki.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
This…was kind of awesome.
Best surreal narrative on Cracked since “Choose Your Own Adventure on Drug.”
October 12th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
really weak. probably took him 5 minutes to write.
October 12th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
This was hilarious and perfect.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I read this and it’s not funny plain and simple. BUT it’s actually good, a very random reading with great style, it leaves you a weird feelling when you’re done. I say keep ‘em coming .
October 12th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Awesome, Cody. You will join the ranks of Swaim and DOB in the halls of Valhalla!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THere will be much merriment making tonight!!!!!!!!
October 12th, 2009 at 5:29 am
All I can say is… WHAT THE FUCK??!!
October 12th, 2009 at 12:12 am
You are truly the voice of the gay community!
October 11th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
I like your style, Cody.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
That was fantastic, lol. You really know how to tell a story Mr. Cody.
I look forward to reading your other articles.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
wow, so fucking random.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I rofl’d every time I read “BING BONG BOO”.
And yeah, this was brilliant. I demand more like this.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Oh my. Where to begin.
My cat and I were clinging to one another, trembling in fear and anticipation. When we found out that Dr. Eloquence was a divorce (that e should have an accent mark above it, by the way), we fairly whooped with glee! And when we read that the guests had been on earth the whole while, well, we nearly shit ourselves.
We enjoyed it, Master Cody. We enjoyed it indeed.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Holy shit.
That was….oddly amazing. XD
October 11th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
holy shit, Cody is actually James Joyce.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Tl;dr on the title, good sir.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
So full of win, I had my doubts about you, Cody, but this was truly dongtastic! Kudos to you, sir, kudos!
October 11th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
You may one of the greatest columnists on Cracked for this article alone. No other writer on Cracked has dared to challenge the reader like you have. Bravo.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
tl;dr
October 11th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Wow, really nice dude.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:49 am
I have not been a fan of your posts–in fact, I’ve thought most of them were, at best, weak.
This one was a marked improvement. I’m impressed. You’re growing into your new gig faster than your maligners could have hoped. Your next few pieces might even be on par with the established columnists
October 11th, 2009 at 7:09 am
Cracked needs different. They tried Seanbaby, haven’t liked about 90% of his stuff (Few really funny ones, I admit) but his layouts, style, and the subjects he mostly writes about (All the sports, extremely boring) just doesn’t = funny to me.
This however was SUCH a good read, I really enjoyed it. It was different yes, I love the Cracked style but this is the kind of different I could read. I was skeptical at the beginning, but reading a full quirky, amusing article without relying on dick jokes was so utterly refreshing.
Well done Cody, I look forward to reading more from you. The ending to this was inspired, by the way.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:22 am
“He pointed to the several kindly basement ghosts in the corner. They had been doing a fancy jig for the guests’ enjoyment, as well as their own.”
Most awesome quote ever.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
That was probably one of the best i have read in a while. Welcome to the team man.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Cody, you’re the best. Fuck everybody.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Hehe avalanche expert, I think you can get a degree in that at Bovine University.
I was waiting and waiting for the ‘big reveal’ and it was more of a slow laigh for me, but I s’pose worth it, and I liked the kindly ghosts. and picturing their little jigs.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Sorry, not impressed. A long passage of nothing. Some quirky titles and names, sure, some added weirdness with the doorbell. But altogether, Nothing. Not interesting, not funny, not gripping.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
hope to read more awesome things like this, keep it up
October 10th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
The ending was brilliant. I didn’t like your thing on the main page today, but this made up for it. So we’re even. I know you were worried.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I appreciate randomness for comedic effect just as much as the next guy, but this was honestly too much. As far as I can see, all you’ve done here is taken a classic plot formula and made it unbearably pretentious. Reminds me of that kid at highschool (you know the one) who for whatever reason, always had to be unique and random: Wearing unpractical or outdated clothing; claiming to enjoy music made by the sound your jeans make when you walk; or drawing pictures of birds with wheels. When questioned about their “quirky and unique” ways they stand behind it fully, and even agree with you when you tell them they’re random or strange. “Oh, I knooooooow it’s weirrrd ehh,” they would say…
Anyways, keep on writing though you’re certainly good at it. whether or not I agree with the subject matter is another story
October 10th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Beautiful! Bravo, good sir!
October 10th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Wow. Just… wow. I liked the elements that revealed information to the reader that the characters were not yet privy to, followed immediately by the characters asking the very question that had just been answered.
The ending was so dissatisfying that it became satisfying in its own right, a final ‘fuck you’ to the audience.
I thought the ‘dry pussy’ line was painfully out of place, though. Normally I love good genitalia references, the more perverse the better, but that line just didn’t match the style of the rest of the article. It seemed a bit like you were just trying to be dirty just to check that off of your list of requirements, as if to give it the desired ‘M for mature’ rating.
All in all, though, I liked it.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
“Lady Hello I’m Beth did, in fact, miss her blood greatly, but she was definitely not going to answer the Beaked Sculpture. This was partly because the Beaked Sculpture was thinking and not speaking, but more importantly she was terrified of it.”
Pure genius.
And finally someone to offset the Seanbaby crap.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
The ending left me feeling dissatisfied and ashamed.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
AWESOME!!!!!!!!
October 10th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I lol’d. The end was the tits.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Ending lacked climax.
October 10th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
fantasmagorical. i want to grow up to be an avalanche expert.
i like you, new guy.
October 10th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Alright. I have to admit that I wasn’t a big fan of the first few(!) articles but this was pretty damned funny.
October 10th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Wow. It must be really odd between your ears.
October 10th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
That’s nice and all, but even though I know Cody won’t read this, the thing is that: Constant randomness= Not funny. Sure, it’s always jolly good fun when somebody occasionally throws something into an article to make it a little silly, and I guess Cody here thinks that a little randomness= alot of funny, then by logical assumption, alot of randomness= Even more funny. But He’s wrong. This isn’t math, It’s comedy. I would like to compare it to Dane Cook, but even he can make me smile the odd time with his flailing around on stage and odd noises. Cody’s articles are just not funny in MY opinion, because he tries too hard to make everything out of place and wacky.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I F*CKING HATE YOU!!! It thought it was going to be something crazy like the beaked thing turns out to be Hillary Clinton or something. Grrr. Darned your clever title and writing style. Reading this was like sex without the orgasm.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:36 am
It almost seemed like a bit of a waste to have all that momentum going to just end it like that
Still.. Interesting read, i laughed a few parts, Kudos new guy
October 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I laughed my ass off at the last 4 lines. This was well-written and interesting.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Very wierd and very funny! It’s perfect!
October 10th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Keep it up Cody, most people are idiots who are used to their standard Cracked humor, which is funny of course, but not the same. Try to appreciate weirdness, queerfag commenters.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Oh…. I’m gonna like you, new guy.
This was fucking fantastic; really nice style and a different one.
Looking forward to more of your stuff. Especially if it’s coming in the form of awkward short stories.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:52 am
i found this quite amusing!
October 10th, 2009 at 7:20 am
tl;dr
October 10th, 2009 at 7:10 am
Well, everyone is saying how you shouldn’t be writing on the internet, but I thought it was brilliant. Top marks
October 10th, 2009 at 6:48 am
“I did several experiments on the effects dry pussy has on cow hearts which I think you would find fascinating.”
While nothing else made me even crack a smile, im still running that comment over and over in my brain… Funny shit (but just that line from the whole thing)
October 10th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Great story, just slightly confusing and cruel. The great reveal was incredibly anti-climatic
October 10th, 2009 at 6:13 am
You write like the bastard lovechild of Edgar Allen Poe and Lemony Snicket. I like it. But I think you would be better suited to writing actual books or short stories rather than writing on an article-based comedy site.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Your writing style is very different from the other writers on this site, but I did enjoy it. Dr. Eloquence is awesome.
October 10th, 2009 at 12:46 am
[...] patient whose roommates keep swallowing their tongues. He’s going to post videos, songs, and things we’ve never seen in these parts and he’s going to post often. Some of his stuff will be sane enough to share with the masses [...]
October 9th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Pretty much, it doesn’t really seem like he should be writing something that’s supposed to be humorous but rather be writing a book because he does have a very unique style
October 9th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
@Sizzleby: or the internet for that matter
October 9th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
I’m not saying you’re a bad writer, but I am saying that your style of writing is not well suited for this website.