Dear Six Flags Corporation,
I am part of a minority in America, in that I don’t have cable. Like the proud Somalians, I must resort to piracy if I am to fulfill my material and entertainment needs. That is, until last week when my TV inexplicably started having all the major network channels where once there was static. I guess the Somalian analogy there would be getting sniped in the face, but in a good way.
And though I have since been enjoying occasionally-flickering episodes of House and the Simpsons/Family Guy hybrid that The Simpsons has become, I’ve also been repeatedly reminded why I canceled my cable in the first place.
No, I’m not talking about commercial breaks, episode preemption or Two and a Half Men. My cable-demon has a face. An old, plastic, wrinkled, terrifying face. It’s this guy:
Fuck. This. Guy. I fucking hate him. He looks like someone left a dead turtle in a stagnant pool of water for a month then put glasses on it. And as his parent, it’s your responsibility to abort him.
Let’s make one thing clear: This man has no business giving me advice on anything post-Cold War Era, let alone my choice of amusement park. If this guy went on a roller coaster, his putrefied organs would ooze out of every orifice. In fact, THAT’S what you should put in the commercial. Seriously, if you built a roller coaster called “Der Elderkiller” and killed off your mascot in the commercial for it, I promise I would call and buy a season pass immediately.
Where’d you get this guy? The Sopranos? The Progeria Center? Has Dana Carvey fallen so far?
There’s only one thing I’d buy from this man. Canned, unsalted peanuts. That’s it. Maybe adult diapers, but only if he promised his face wasn’t on the package.
I think what really gets me is that it’s clearly a young person wearing grotesque amounts of old man makeup. What’s the message there, Six Flags? Are you reaching out to old people? Young people who dress like old people? Musical Theater majors desperate for the most humiliating work possible?
Here’s a list of things that would have been more appropriate as a mascot for a roller coaster-based amusement park:
And come on: “More Flags. More Fun”? Why do you think that means ANYTHING to ANYONE? Admittedly, it is exactly the kind of thing a doddering old man would mutter to himself while being wheeled out behind the barn to be put out of his misery.
It’s a nonsensical turd of a slogan. The only times more flags equals more fun are at Semifore Camp and on Nickelodeon game shows from the late 90s. You are neither. You are a place that houses a collection of giant robots that push people around. And even THAT overly technical description of your function is a cooler-sounding slogan than “More Flags. More Fun.”
Plus, you’re leaving the door wide open for someone to found an amusement park called 12 Flags and steal all your business. Then you’ll go to 14, and the Flag Wars will be on. Where will it end? My guess is with a park just called “FLAAAAAAAAGSSSZ!!!” whose mascot is an Olympic runner made up as a paraplegic.
More Flags? More Fun? Mother Fuckers.
Your mascot literally makes me sick to my stomach. Get that hideous thing off of my television so I can get back to my Fear Factor rerun. Because honestly, watching someone hork down rotten dongs is a lot more palatable than this decrepit, polyurethane diaper-faced reject from a Buzbee Berkley Musical.
Eat Chocolate Skittles and die.
Sincerely,
A guy who hasn’t ridden a roller coaster since Viper gave him migraines.
This entry was posted on Thursday, May 14th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Advertising, Amusement Parks, Roller Coasters, Six Flags. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 21st, 2009 at 11:26 pm
ah, damn, sorry. that’s been revealed in previous comments.
November 21st, 2009 at 11:24 pm
you know the best (or worst) part? old man is actually a woman.
November 21st, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Totally agree with the Simpsons thing.
November 19th, 2009 at 2:01 am
those are pistachios…
November 9th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Granted, this runs pretty high on the “Jesus Christ, did that just happen?” scale. But think about this: Watch the same commercial, but substitute in a twelve year old, for instance… Holy. God.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:49 pm
I think it’s quite obvious what’s going on here. Some of the higher ups at six flags hate old people, and are trying to get them to to come to their park dance,eat shitty food,and ride rollercoasters. The combination of which only a select few old people can survive(like Clint Eastwood). Then with old people out of the way, they can buy up all that land that those retirement homes take up and expand their influence. Or they are just insane
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
i think the stereotype asian dude was marginally better
October 29th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I hope whoever this is will be in an all male prison for his crime againest humanity. Who the f*** is this retard, Miley Cyrus without her mask?
October 21st, 2009 at 3:59 am
This article basically outlines everything I thought the first time I saw this hideous, disturbing commercial. I was going around asking people, “have you seen this freakish, dancing Magoo they have? What the fuck does this guy have to do with roller coasters? What is his relevance, does he have a name?” They just told me to calm down, that he was just a mascot. I’m glad someone else saw this and thought the same things. Terrible mascot, terrible slogan. Somewhere some asshole brought the storyboards for this ad to an executive board meeting, and they all went, “brilliant!”. Apparently at six flags, they do acid at their board meetings.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
i could not stop laughing the whole way through, this great rant man
October 10th, 2009 at 11:09 am
i wanna be this old man for halloweeenn yesss! haha i searched him
October 5th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
More flags more fun
October 5th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Welcome to “FLAAAAAAAAGSSSZ!!!,” where our motto is “We House A Collection Of Giant Robots That Push People Around!” LMAO so FUCKING funny!!!
September 28th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
@Drew:
Go fuck yourself. Swaim is hilarious. And i completely agree with him.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:38 pm
stand up comedy…
The Comedy Central Joan Rivers Roast took place last night and was hosted by Kathy Griffin. Can you say… best. roast. ever? I have always found these Comedy Central roast’ s absolutely hilarious, especially considering these celebrities even agree …
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:10 am
If i am not wrong 1 flag is placed on every rollercoaster so more flags do indeed give you more fun.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Uh Drew, I think you missed the entire point. Actually, I think you missed the entire concepts of sarcasm, satire, and comedy altogether.
He’s a ridiculous unlikely mascot, but somehow you can’t look away. And that song will be stuck in your head for weeks like prions. Its utterly baffling.
I found this hysterical, especially the progeria reference.
September 16th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Damn, Swaim. Overreact much? It’s just a commercial. Lighten the fuck up. In time Mr Six will be gone. ANd in the end he will be more remembered than you.
I hate clowns. But you don’t see me shitting myself in anger online over Ronald McDonald. In fact I don’t harbor the conceit that people would want to read about how annoying I find McDonald’s commercials online. WHen it’s commercial time I hit the mute and go to the crapper. Get a drink. I certainly don’t fly into a nerd rage and have a complete meltdown directed at the McDonalds corporation because the Shamrock Shake doesn’t have real shamrocks in them.
I miss the days when CRACKED meant funny black and white periodicals combining first rate TV and movie parodies with great art by artists like John Severin. Now it means unfunny white nerds doing what millions of other white nerds do, bitching and thinking they’re funny. All Cracked.com seems to be is myriad ways of saying “This sucks”
September 8th, 2009 at 3:36 am
I have to tell ya, I nearly died of asphyxiation due to the laughter I ensued. And ironically, the one guy that came to mind after reading your blog, was the damn guy on the skittles commercial that gets older and older everytime his friend on the couch eats another skittle. And then you go and end it with “eat chocolate skittles and die.” If marriage certificates were receipts, and you can refund marriages, I would consider mine null and void right now to marry you. You are the funniest writer yet!
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:37 pm
LMFAOOOOOOOOO swaim honestly i was thinking the exact same thing just not in as many hilarious words. i hate that guy so much
August 15th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
hey….btw….why the kung-fu like position??? WTF DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ROLLERCOASTERS??? seriously, geez
August 15th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Man, this is by far THE best article I’ve ever read by Swaim…I love the las paragraph….I read it like 4 times….it’s hilarious!!!
And its true….I bet the Marketing Department was boozed or something the day they created the “slogan”….
plus….wtf do the flags have to do with giant roller coasters???
You are a genius…love your videos, too
August 9th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Is it just me, or does the guy from the Sopranos actually look just like him?
Good work Swaim
August 9th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Funny thing, the advertisement in the upper right hand corner of my screen was for Six Flags, and it had the wrinkly bag of shit mascot grinning and everything!
August 8th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Lol the picture of the old guy on the package of peanuts is actually a can of pistachios! And Michael is hot.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Has anyone else noticed that this creepy old asshole is now on THIS WEBSITE?
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:49 pm
@Flashpenny
I completely and wholeheartedly agree.
Dude. Do stand-up. Like, tomorrow. Be on Comedy Central tomorrow.
August 1st, 2009 at 6:22 am
Wow, I honeslty didn’t know it meant that much to anyone else. My father in law insisted on being this decrepit deushebag for holoween. My question was why would an already old guy think it humorous to masquarade as an older more decrepit man? I thought he would just go out and get a convertible and date a stripper to feel younger.
July 31st, 2009 at 6:34 pm
This was so fucking funny. Dude what are you doing putting up funny web posts when you have extreme potential as a stand-up comedian?
July 30th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
That was without a doubt, irrevocably and exponentially the funniest thing, I have ever read on the world wide web
god bless you sir.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
So I just did a search on “I hate that f*cking six flags old man” and found this page. Glad to see I’m not the old one. Thanks for a good laugh!
July 29th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
That was easily the funniest thing i have ever read! HAha, well done swaim, well done
July 28th, 2009 at 3:28 am
You got migraines from that too?
Totally sucks =P
July 26th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I love you Swaim! You are the greatest. Write for cracked more often, damn it!
July 26th, 2009 at 11:44 am
This is so fucking funny.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Swaim, you’re awesome. I love you.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:25 pm
AMEN. I just saw a fucking commerical where he talked, and i immediatley googled ” FUck The Six Flags Guy”. The dancing old douche was probably an 8 year old magnet , like, 3 years ago. But kids are getting older, so what do the corporate geniuses at Six Flags do? Why, give him a thick asian accent, of course!
July 20th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
GOTTA SAY I AGREE WITH HIM. 6 FLAGS ADS ALWAYS SUCKED BUT THIS ONE IS BY FAR THE MOST OFFENSIVE, ANNOYING, AND STUPID ONE EVER!
July 19th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
DISCUSTED
July 19th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
ILL TELL YOU WHAT SWAIM!GET A LIFE! i bet ur just a hobo living in a shack with only a laptop to support your cruel thoughts…WELL HAVE FUN! im civialized
July 19th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
huh if u guys actually like this junk u should be ashamed i tell you,ASHAMED!
July 19th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
GOSH U GUYS ARE ALL MORONS! THAT GUYS ROCKS!
July 19th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
I HATE YOU! UR ALL MORONS FOR SAYING BAD THINGS ABOUT INNOCENT PEOPLE! I <3 THAT GUY EVEN IF U’LL KILL ME FOR SAYING IT!
July 16th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
dammit swain. i recently started feeling the pain of multiple hernias. i love comedy, but laughing fucks my hernias. i just wanted something mildly amusing and now my entire torso hurts from laughing too hard @your article, you’re killing me. you’re too funny sometimes, that hurts my psyche(im totally gonna be your superior someday by being the funniest human ever), and physically. damn you!!
July 15th, 2009 at 11:42 am
this is exactly why I started to hate six flags
thank you S.W.A.I.M for writing what i felt
Fuck. That. Guy. (and that eat chocolate skittles and die thing perfect)
July 14th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
I will go no further than just to say that “Eat Chocolate Skittles and die” will forever live on in my memory as the most fucking awesome line EVER.
Hyperbole aside, HOLY SHIT, that is fucking funny.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
haha. i always get so mad at six flags commercials now cus they apparently have no concept of what multiplication implies. they show something that’s either disgusting or extremely boring as 1 flag, then boast that they have 6 flags! that pretty much means they’re 6 times more vomit-inducing or mind-numbing than the first thing they showed. and i agree that the mascot is horrible. they had a dude dressed up like him walking around the park when i went last friday. i peed the bed that night.
July 12th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I will now commence using “eat chocolate skittles and die” at every available opportunity. Thank you.
July 12th, 2009 at 12:22 am
Oddly enough, I remember the first time I saw the ad, I thought it was Dana Carvey in ( bad ) makeup. ‘ Wow, he must really need the the money, I guess his checks from ‘ SNL ‘ reruns must have dried up ‘. I can’t help but wonder if the ad guy who came up ‘ creepy old, bald guy dancing to bad music ‘ was coming off a 4 day coke binge, then thought to himself: ‘ The Six Flags account! I have to show up to the meeting with something..hey, ” Master of Disguise ” is on t.v…oh, there’s my blow.. (SNORT) , now where was I ? ‘ It makes me long for the days when Burger King had that douchebag as it’s spokesman ( ‘ B.K ! I’m going through the drive through .’) The world ends ending.
July 11th, 2009 at 8:55 am
This article makes me laugh every time i read it. I love you Swaim.
July 10th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
hasn’t six flags heard of sex sells? what’s wrong with a pair of knorks to sell six flags?
July 9th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
bloody brilliant
July 9th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
As a Six Flags local and ex-employee, I’ve gotta say I agree with you. Seeing “Mr. Six” even the first time was as creepy as hell, and since I live in town not only TV and internet ads but newspaper ads, fundraising letters, billboards–I can’t escape it! And that goddamn Venga Boys song runs through my head every time I see his face T.T
… but that’s EXACTLY what makes it ‘good’ marketing. (Note that ‘good’ marketing does not equal ‘likeable’ marketing.)
One thing though–it’s not THAT bad working there. Most of the alleged musical theater majors (and I have to say, there are a *lot* of high schoolers too) love their jobs!
July 9th, 2009 at 5:38 am
Excellent.
These ads have got to be the lamest attempt at marketing in the history of….well, marketing. Why don’t they just use Pinhead as their mascot? Same effect. I guess because then he couldn’t where his glasses with all those pins and all.
July 6th, 2009 at 4:13 am
WOW!!! BRAVO BRAVO!!! good shit, thank you for making sense of it all.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
THANK YOU for someone finally voicing what I have always felt! He is so creepy. He is the old man that you see at the park that hangs out at the entrance to the girls restroom at the waterpark, wearing a cardigan, clearly staring at all of the “nice young ladies” in swimsuits. He is the weird man holding a slurpee in one hand, and you can’t account for his other hand (which makes you feel kind of weird. Do he lose it in the war or is it down his pants?)
In any case, I agree. And the Viper gives me migraines too.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:00 am
I love the line that said:“FLAAAAAAAAGSSSZ!!!”,That had me laughing over and over every time I read it.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:28 pm
That was probably one of the funniest articles I have ever read! I was in tears laughing. Yeah those commericals piss me off, like what’s the deal? Some random old guy dances to crappy vengaboys music. Who came up with this diahrea excuse of a marketing campaign?
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:17 am
Haha! I got a migraine on Viper, too!
June 30th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
It’s “semaphore”, you silly goose!
June 26th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Where are you, SWAIM?
June 25th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
We saw this dude walking around at the 6 flags in San Antonio, TX over spring break, I nearly shat myself in fear.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Hi,
A friend of mine used to have one of those old man masks, and we used it to creep people out on Halloween and other festive occasions.
Anyway, there is a particularly creepy part to the 6 Flags commercial that always raised the hair on my neck. In one scene it shows Old Guy dancing and gesticulating around a small group of people who seem not to notice he is there. It gives the impression of some demon just outside normal reality who, if you happen to accidently see him out of the corner of your eye, he can enter your reality and eat your flesh. I can never watch that ad without flinching.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:17 am
They should of went back to the Asian guy because at least when he appeared you’d ask “wtf does flags have to do with anything” and remember the guys Asian and go back to your business.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:14 am
Why your right that hes a old freaky looking decrepit. I believe the real problem lies in the F#%KING MADONNA SONG THEY GOT RUNNING THROUGH THE COMMERCIAL AND THE THEME PARK(ALL DAY RE LOOPING IT EVERY HOUR) ON AND ON AGAIN FOR 8HOURS STRAIT WITH NO SIGN OF ENDING.
June 20th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Big Daddy, “rather effective”? Effective my ass. This guy is a creep. Swaim makes his points excellently and you obviously missed Marketing 101 in college.
I, like Swaim, am a very technologically literate blogger, Facebooker, gadget-loving, BlackBerry wielding individual who until recently chose not have access to broadcast television because of this exact sort of pathetic bullshit on TV. After subscribing to cable after a 5-year hiatus, I was appalled to see this pathetic attempt at advertising.
I can’t decide which description is more accurate, “like being kicked in the eyes by AIDS” OR “some old puke head that looks like he’s in the terminal stages of leukemia.”
June 20th, 2009 at 7:12 am
SWAIM. Perhaps a marketing class is in your future. Mr. Six is a rather effective spokesperson. Just because you get sick on the kiddie rides doesn’t mean that you should lash out at an amusement park mascot.
While I’m at it… how does someone who does not have the means to receive broadcast television manage to have articles posted on the ultra modern world wide web?
June 18th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Thankyou SWAIM. That thing is revolting. When it comes on TV I actually have to close my eyes and block my ears. My kids have nightmares. To have some old puke head who looks like he is in the terminal stages of leukaemia and has been given a shot of crack promote an amusement park is trully bizarre and has gaaaauaranteed I will never take my kids to a 6 flags ever ever ever. Nice work marketers.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:44 am
omgod………………. i just noticed that if you live over 90, your garruanted to look like a turtle….. you probably grow a shell once your 300. oh yeah! six flags sounds like a place where you sit in a chair and then slowly fall forward for an hour until your face smashiz the ground and you look like turtle guy… then he dances and runs away leaving you confused and slightly scared……………………….
YAY! TURTLE MAN!
June 12th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Semaphore camp.
June 10th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I love you. Marry me. That is my EXACT reaction (though much more eloquent) to that freak. I hate him! HATE. He is so fucking creepy! God. He should be shot. With rubber bullets coated in venom. From something that makes you incontinent. And then shot with real bullets since it’d be more humane to the rest of the world.
June 9th, 2009 at 4:29 am
I like the old coot. Never paid enough attention to it to realize it was makeup though. not as cool that way.
It would be impressive if he really was that old of a guy and had those moves.
June 7th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
The old guy is a young girl made up to look old, watch the commercials carefully, its a woman!
June 6th, 2009 at 11:57 am
When I hear “More flags. More fun.”, I automatically think: Is there a place with less flags? And is it less fun? Is there a 5 flags? And what happens if you add a flag? It must be exciting as hell at the UN headquarters, cause they have like 80 of them sumbotches.
“The U.N. - All the flags in the world. And we don’t do S***”.
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:36 pm
OMG ok…lets just end this…tell me what commercial do you remember most…one with a whale swimming across the screen or one with grandpa stepping off a bus and kicking ass with his dance moves…thats right…and you guys are doing exactly what Six Flags wants you to do and thats talk about our park…so thanks all you people for talking about us…like it is said…there is no such thing as bad publisity…MORE FLAGS, MORE FUN, SIX FLAGS!!!!!!
June 1st, 2009 at 11:20 pm
I did market research for these commercials and told them I in fact did not like it.
I tried.
May 29th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Dear Michael,
How old are you, 12? The 6 flags guy is part of the greatest generation and he’s still dancing like a young man. Learn from him you idiot.
Best,
Rebecca Fransway
May 28th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
I think the real question is…..what the HELL is going on in the Six Flags marketing dept.?
May 25th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Nicely put.
That old man is the antichrist.
May 24th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
“Peanuts - Bland as shit”
According to Perez Hilton’s blog shit is not bland.
May 24th, 2009 at 2:07 am
Stop whining. It’s just a commercial.
May 24th, 2009 at 1:04 am
i agree. it is like, lets let some bald headed freck dictate we are gonna go this summer, with the crowds at the beach, ( sorry, but YOU
May 23rd, 2009 at 3:16 pm
We LOOOOOVED that old guy dancing around in summer 2007- except he is not the same in 2009. Isn’t he computer-generated? Well, if he wasn’t in 2007 maybe he died ’cause the 2009 version is.
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Hey, I like the six flags old guy.
The commercials where he dances are funny. They’re better than a lot of other stuff on tv.
May 22nd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Thanks for that. That commercial just came on and it pissed me off so much I actually googled “I must kill the six flags mascot” just to see if I had any sympathizers. Your commentary actually succeeded in quelling my rage and possibly even prevented me from doing something I might one day regret, like stabbing my eyeballs out with a fork.
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
chocolate skittles? throwback! superbly clever there swaim. that’s called continuity. moving on, that old man really never bothered me much. i liken him to the start of summer. when i start seeing the dancing pair of octogenarian pendulum balls on tv, the warm weather can’t be far behind. if anything about those commercials is truely terrible, it is the music. damned venga boys and their infectious euro-trash synth pop.
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:09 am
I cried from laughing so hard. I don’t’ know what else to say. Swaim is the man.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:35 am
“a place that houses a collection of giant robots that push people around.” <- This is why Swaim is my favorite cracked.com writer. I am slowly coming to worship you as a God, sir.
May 20th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Highlights of this article:
“He looks like someone left a dead turtle in a stagnant pool of water for a month then put glasses on it.”
“If this guy went on a roller coaster, his putrefied organs would ooze out of every orifice.”
“Maybe adult diapers, but only if he promised his face wasn’t on the package.”
“A skateboarding duck. ”
Also the picture.
Thanks again Swaim. Funny stuff.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Living in CT, near the abomination that is Six Flags New England, I have recently been bombarded with the latest incarnation of these commercials. No longer in the “old guy slowly creeps out of a bus, throws down his walker and starts dancing” context, the mascot makes no damn sense.
Funny you wrote this. I’ve been thinking how annoying these commercials are.
Keep it up, Swaim!
FM
May 18th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Sorry guys.
I do have an issue with men (I’ve never been able to satisfy any) and you just hit some nerves close to home with me is all.
I apologize sincerely (and yes… sometimes I do wish I had a penis)!
May 18th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
HAHAHA…yes the old dude needs to be put down like a dying horse.
The screaming Asian dude fit the commercial better. But that doesn’t justify that the commercial (more or less the slogan) is any better. Let’s start with the horrible over-played shit techno music. Then move one from there. I agree, six flags needs to figure out a better way to market their shit.
May 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am
yep. i like the creepy old guy way better than the other circle in a head.
May 18th, 2009 at 10:51 am
What does wealth have to do with this conversion cocksucker (I call you that as obviously you’re obsessed with ‘dick’ - or is he just your gay lover?)?
May 18th, 2009 at 8:28 am
most people that make things like this, must first get a life, because he or she can make fun of this guy but HE however is way richer THAN HIS OR HER ASS WILL EVER BE AND YOUR IDEAS OF NEW MASCOTS SUCK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK
May 18th, 2009 at 6:28 am
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May 18th, 2009 at 12:04 am
U want a better comeback? I’ll cum on your back sweetcakes!
“At least I admit I have double-standards, am a hypocrite and a bitch at times.” - don’t flatter yourself Pump-kin, I’m sure those around you think you’re a hypocrite and a bitch (and cunt - but not in the useful way) - MOST of the time.
Spin my dreidel!
(and by ’spin’ I mean ’suck’ and by ‘dreidel’ I really mean ‘cock!’).
G’life Angry Lesbo… lol.
May 17th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Andrea calls people… Says:
May 17th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
…’bitch’ and ‘faggot’ and yet has issues with what others post?! Wow… she must be a fun lesbian (with clearly NO double-standards whatsoever) to hang with (if she douches).
—————————————
1. I used ‘bitch’ and ‘faggot’ because I was showing how hypocritical the posts were. They were telling the writer to ‘do this’, or ‘you’re so -insert insult’, when the commenter was doing it themselves.
2. Of course I’m fun, why can’t I be?
3. Everyone has double-standards, like you. Since you don’t like me calling people ‘bitch’, ‘faggot’ for some reason. BUT it’s awwwwwright for calling me a lesbian now. What great skills you have!
4. Make better comebacks, now.
5. And I’m sorry if I gave you some SERIOUS case of the butthurt, baby. So I talked back against your negative comment, so? You talked back against this article negatively, so why can’t I do that to you? Again, double-standards.
6. At least I admit I have double-standards, am a hypocrite and a bitch at times. You seem to try and act all high and mighty now. Really, pot/kettle moment?
Thank you for taking your time to read this!
May 17th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
I laughed until tears fell. I thought I was the only one who had an irrational fear of that thing…
May 17th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
…’bitch’ and ‘faggot’ and yet has issues with what others post?! Wow… she must be a fun lesbian (with clearly NO double-standards whatsoever) to hang with (if she douches).
May 17th, 2009 at 11:44 am
And your comments offers readers here… what?! Your opinion, Princess?!
Go fuck a Sawz-all!
May 17th, 2009 at 10:31 am
“Eat Chocolate Skittles and die” Perfect wrap up for this article (^_^)
Michael Swaim *gets on knee* Will you marry me?
May 17th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Oh, and this article was funny! God, I laughed hard at these part the most.
“Fuck. This. Guy. I fucking hate him. He looks like someone left a dead turtle in a stagnant pool of water for a month then put glasses on it. And as his parent, it’s your responsibility to abort him.”
“Eat Chocolate Skittles and die.”
“If this guy went on a roller coaster, his putrefied organs would ooze out of every orifice. In fact, THAT’S what you should put in the commercial. Seriously, if you built a roller coaster called “Der Elderkiller” and killed off your mascot in the commercial for it, I promise I would call and buy a season pass immediately.”
Agree. XD I would be buying over a dozen of their passes if they just fucking KILLED him. Please, end our misery of seeing this pedo dancer guy.
Oddly enough, I just went to Six Flags a few days ago, and I remember watching this guy while waiting for a ride and going ‘WTF?’ at him. I remember the screaming Asian man once on T.V, never liked him much but I actually miss him now since they had to bring this creepo in.
May 17th, 2009 at 8:50 am
I have aids Says:
May 15th, 2009 at 1:48 am
“Kicked in the eye with AIDS” WTF ? you needed to use that? Pathetic and sad.
——————————————-
I don’t know what’s worse. The fact you had to say you had AIDS, or the fact you can’t spell it properly.
NO shit Bob! Says:
May 16th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Bob,
Too bad your loser parents sent you out into the world having you believe your opinion matters (maybe your Mom did that because you’re hung… maybe your Dad because he liked it in the bum). It does not. Life with that.
Your definition of ‘funny’ or of anything else for that matter, doesn’t matter.
Good luck Princess.
——————————————-
I feel bad for the parents that have to put up with your boorish personality ever since you were born, and the fact you need to piss on everyone else’s fun because you think you’re the Moral Faggot. Honestly, what the hell bitch?
If you didn’t like this artical, fine! Go bitch about it somewhere else, other people actually loved it. Can’t deal with it? Bitch about it some more.
Your attempt to be ‘different’ or of anything else, didn’t work that much. Epic faaaaaail.
Thanks for reading this! Andrea.
Hey Bob: Says:
May 16th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
You may think you’re offering ‘constructive criticism’, but why don’t you get off your fat, lazy ass and:
1. Either write and submit something yourself for Cracked Readers you self-important, judgmental, shit-stain of a couch critic, or:
2. Go fuck your Mother.
——————————————-
You may think you’re ‘unique and different but TRUE’ comments, but you’re not. So intsead of being just a whiny bitch over a fucking OPINION some of the other people here agree with, why don’t you:
1. Either try to write some half-ass ’smart’ comment that doesn’t make you look like a narrow-minded, pissy puffy pussy dickhead for five seconds.
2. CRY MOAR EMO.
May 17th, 2009 at 1:19 am
… a dick!
May 16th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
That was… angry.
May 16th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Bob,
Too bad your loser parents sent you out into the world having you believe your opinion matters (maybe your Mom did that because you’re hung… maybe your Dad because he liked it in the bum). It does not. Life with that.
Your definition of ‘funny’ or of anything else for that matter, doesn’t matter.
Good luck Princess.
May 16th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
You may think you’re offering ‘constructive criticism’, but why don’t you get off your fat, lazy ass and:
1. Either write and submit something yourself for Cracked Readers you self-important, judgmental, shit-stain of a couch critic, or:
2. Go fuck your Mother.
May 16th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
This is why Swaim is so much better than Seanbaby. His articles are actually funny.
May 16th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Whoa, no love from Bob. I think you’re hilarious, so pay him no mind. That three photo collection is great. You have to wonder what was being smoked at the meeting of advertising executives who thought of this one.
May 16th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Could there be a better slogan than, “Are you a Six Flaggot?”
May 16th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Kicked in the eyes by AIDS? I love humor that isn’t funny and contains interchangeable parts! Next time you’re writing an article about ugly chicks, you can say that seeing an ugly chick is “like being kicked in the dick by poop”! Or when you’re writing an article on why McDonald’s food sucks, you can say eating a Big Mac is like “being punched in the stomach by ovarian cancer”!
Or you can just start being funny…
May 16th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Yikes! I hate that guy. He looks like a cross between alf, yoda, and the old man that lives in the apartment under me. The one that hordes old newspapers.
Don’t worry, Swaim. I don’t have cable either.
May 16th, 2009 at 1:25 am
HOLY SHIT! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT SIX FLAGS’ OLD MAN RANT WAS THE FUNNIEST GUT BUSTING SHIT I’VE READ SINCE READING THE CAPTIONS TO THE PICS AT HOT CHICKS WITH DOUCHEBAGS.COM.
SERIOUSLY NEARLY PISSED MYSELF. GREAT JOB DUDE.
BRYAN!
May 16th, 2009 at 1:24 am
The dancing bald old man….guess what…played by a girl. haha
May 15th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
My guess is that after accusations of racism from their previous mascot, enthusiastic Asian guy, they created this thing to say “Offensive? Fuck you. I’ll show you offensive.”
May 15th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
except shittier of course.
May 15th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Maddox?
May 15th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Sorry…I meant gay.
My Freudian slip is showing?
May 15th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Ummmm….Mr. Six is a woman.
http://www.pauldavidson.net/2006/02/01/mr-six-revealed/
Still annoying, but not anoying as the asian guy or that nightmare inducing Burger King troll.
May 15th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
LOL… no shit Mrs. Negative Nancy… get a laugh-track playing on a tape recorder next to your bed!
Are we supposed to bend over (oh right… not a good idea around you) with sympathy for you?
# I have aids Says:
May 15th, 2009 at 1:48 am
“Kicked in the eye with AIDS” WTF ? you needed to use that? Pathetic and sad.
You know what else is pathetic and sad?! You dying from AIDS. So get a life (oops… sorry, you had one and blew that (oh, I mean him). http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=30&sku=E-CD00296
May 15th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Get a sense of humor for fuck’s sake! Oh, and you have AIDS because you’re on God’s Shit List - so take that rainbow colored gerbil and shove it!
May 15th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
U go gurl!
May 15th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I am a daily reader of Cracked, but I’ve never commented until now.
I literally LOL’d at this article. In all the time I’ve spent reading Cracked, I never actually laughed, giggled, or even chuckled to myself at an article. Great job, Swaim.
May 15th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Is it Dana Carvey that plays that old guy?
May 15th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
I’d much prefer the angry Japanese guy who screamed, “Six Flags! More flags! More fun!” at us. But then I guess focus groups didn’t like his hard edge and Six Flags made him be happier.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
HAHAHA. i literally laughed out loud at this article. well, more like stifled bursts of laughter so no one would notice.
“Fuck. This. Guy. I fucking hate him. He looks like someone left a dead turtle in a stagnant pool of water for a month then put glasses on it. And as his parent, it’s your responsibility to abort him.”
ahahahaha, but you forgot, now they also have that shrill asian man.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Weren’t the Looney Tunes characters the Six Flags mascots at one time? They should go back to using them again.
May 15th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
yo fuck that those commercials were awesome, venga boys+ dancing black man pretending to be old white guy = win
May 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I wish I could go to Six Weiners right about now…
More Weiners, More Fun!
May 15th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I live in Northwest Indiana and these commercials have been running constantly. They don’t work, they make me want to never go to Six Flags ever again, even though I’ve never been there in the first place. Maybe I’m not the target of their creepy pedophile dancing mascot.
May 15th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Thank you for putting into words what i have felt to the pit of my stomach ever since this beast first graced my field of vision. If i was less then 20 when i first saw it i am sure it would haunt my dreams to this day.
god bless and keep you from the demon “mr. six”
May 15th, 2009 at 9:56 am
For serious? Someone complained about the use of four letter words? HAS to be a joke. I can’t see anyone coming on this site and somehow missing all the dick jokes and cusswords.
May 15th, 2009 at 9:50 am
The cracked writers and all of you are a bunch of faggots
May 15th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I thought I was the only one!
May 15th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Silver, I don’t think this article is about the wholesomeness of the commercial. And those Enzyte commercials are awesome.
May 15th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Did they actually pay you to write this effluvium? Must have been a slow submission day.
May 15th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Well since Six Flags is currently in bankruptcy their mascot is only one of many bad decisions management has made over the years.
May 15th, 2009 at 7:23 am
GET A LIFE!! First, there’s no need for the 4 letter words. Second, if you want to pick on a commercial that’s bad, go after “Smiling BOB” and the Enzyte ads. Those are so bad, I switch channels immediately, even if I was interested in what was being shown. The Six Flags ads are tame compared to several others that are being run.
May 15th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Wonderful! Quite the most enjoyable thing I’ve read this morning.
May 15th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Those peanuts look suspiciously like pistachios.
May 15th, 2009 at 5:06 am
everytime the commercial comes on i want to shoot the tv. that guy is a dick. and six flags sucks. i can’t thank you enough.
May 15th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Do they even still air those commercials? Last 6 Flags commercial I saw was the annoying asian kid that sticks his face out at the end. I think this article might be a couple years too late…
May 15th, 2009 at 3:49 am
That is hilarious and so true. Who needs an idiot like that for a theme park that is apparently no good.
May 15th, 2009 at 3:38 am
Wow, thats pretty scary dude!
RT
http://www.whos-watching.net.tc
May 15th, 2009 at 2:09 am
What the fuck is Ranma?
May 15th, 2009 at 1:48 am
“Kicked in the eye with AIDS” WTF ? you needed to use that? Pathetic and sad.
May 15th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Seriously! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00262
May 15th, 2009 at 1:40 am
# Podthebod Says:
May 14th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Why did I waste my time reading this story. It is void of any true humor or intellect. Just random curse words and ramblings where a good story should be at.
*** JUST LIKE YOUR POST… CUNTY?!
May 15th, 2009 at 12:58 am
Wait, Danny Teeson is male?
Nevermind.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:54 am
The six flags “guy” was a young female actress who was supposedly well known (meaning she’s probably middle aged and used to be on a TV show you’ve never watched).
May 15th, 2009 at 12:50 am
what makes six flags think an old guy would appeal to their target market? which are children and young adults. its kinda cute but i feel sorry for the guy.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Skateboarding Duck!
Swaim, maybe your best yet.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:29 am
wow
May 14th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Heee!
May 14th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Why did I waste my time reading this story. It is void of any true humor or intellect. Just random curse words and ramblings where a good story should be at.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
I HATE that mascot SO MUCH. They got rid of him for a few ads and replaced him with some Asian dude and I breathed a sigh of joy and relief. NOW the a–hole is back! I WANT HIM GONE NOW.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
I don’t know why Six Flags is bringing back this night terror inducing mascot for summer ‘09. It was horrible then and it’s still awful.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
I remember my younger years watching my favorite television channels, only to be traumatized by the horrendous, gruesome, and just playing fugly mascot of six flags. I hope he and a rollercoaster connect one day, that is a dream worth coming true.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
I laughed hard at the infinity symbol.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Yasmin is a cunt
May 14th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
you hit the nail on the head with this one. the title couldn’t be more fitting either. i really, seriously, hate that old guy.. and the commercials are mind pollution
May 14th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
It may be catchy and memorable, but not in a good way. Six months from now, when I’m choosing a theme park to go to, I won’t be all ‘hey, that gross fake old man thing told me to go to six flags and I will because of the feelings of joy and love I had when I watched him capering on TV’…
May 14th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
says you “swawroop”, who is clearly getting worked up over him getting worked up. Plus it cant have been that bad for you if you read the whole article that nobody forced you to read in the first place. You’re a douche.
I thought it was great by the way.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
You forgot to mention the awful music that goes with that guy wherever he appears, that fucking horrible vengaboys song “we like to party”. Come to think of it, I think he actually emits that music…
May 14th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
swawroop Says: “You are ridiculous”
*Claps* congratulations, you’ve stumbled onto the point of the entire site. When your done explaining the marketing values of the commercial, maybe you can figure out it was a joke.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I’ve got no beef with this old guy, Swaim, but you make a very compelling argument. Nice work.
@swaroop
Yeah, you’re right. Spazzing about a mascot’s almost as retarded as freaking out over an article.
Do you see what I did there?
May 14th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
You are ridiculous. How can you get that worked up over a simple, harmless t/v commercial? Why the hell would analyze a six flags commercial or any commercial for that matter? I’m pretty sure I could figure out a way to make most commercials look completely unrealistic or nonsensical, but the point of advertising is definitely not to reflect reality in anyway. The old guy appeals to people because he is hilarious and cute. Maybe not to you, but you write articles about how much a stupid commercial pisses you right off, so I’m sure you have issues that most Americans do not. The commercial works because it essentially says, “Six Flags is fun” in a catchy and memorable way.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
That was the greatest thing I have ever read! I HATE the six flags guy with a passion! Every time he shows up on the screen I want to smash my tv with a brick.
What makes six flags think that this old guy will appeal to their market??
If six flags made a commercial with this guy falling off at the height of the roller coaster and falling head first into the ground, I’d be a happy guy!
May 14th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
I’m glad I’m not alone in my intense, fiery hatred of this thing. No matter which way I look at it, I can’t even begin to understand why it was chosen as a mascot.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
ah good old viper. back in the days when great adventure had some rides that could break down any ride. scream machine is definitely trying to be the next viper
May 14th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Luckily they left Darien Lake, and it just has soothing music in its commercials now-no more old guy!
May 14th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Let’s go with the simple resolution to the issue. First we will make the choice to watch televsion or not. If we so choose to watch television we will simply turn the channel when the six flags commercial appears.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
May 14th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
i extremely enjoyed reading this. you have awesome journalism skills and i definitely agree with your argument. i hate that fucker
May 14th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
I have a season pass, and every time I see that guy, I walk the other way. He’s a scary bastard. And it’s especially creepy when he begins to dance, especially when he’s trying to get a kid to dance with him. Pedophile!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
You do know that the six flags guy (Mr. Six) is just Danny Teeson from Queer eye for the straight girl…yeah look it up I swear to god it’s a real show.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Come on, Screech from Saved by the Bell needs the work he could be the next Gilbert Gotfroed/Aflac Duck.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
ROFL
Honestly I like the guy; he’s funny BUT when he talks it scares me.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I got to “canned unsalted peanuts” and fell out of my chair crying from laughter at work.
Then I saw the image and did it again.
I hate you.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
“An animate gust of wind”
This is one mascot that I’d like to see
May 14th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
meh, i’m just happy as long as there’s something that goes more than 100mph and lets me feel the wind in my face as well as keep my intestines inside my dermis.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Have you ever let Mr. Six put his tongue in your mouth?
May 14th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I totally work at Six Flags. . . and escorting Mr. Six (that’s his name btw) is part of my job (also escorting is NOT as dirty as it sounds, I’m just a really weak, bored bodyguard)
I like Mr. Six, but I liked the old commercials where he just danced and didn’t talk.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Thank god there are sane people out there
May 14th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Oh man, amusement parks. I have not visited a single one since my elderly godmother conned me into trying out a Space Shot. I’m really scared of heights. “Come on”, she said. “I haven’t visited this thing in decades. It’s not really as bad as it looks like.”
FILTHY LIES. I have never screamed as loud as I did during that 200ft drop.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I’m so glad I barely watch tv any more
although I remember those commercials from several years ago and I don’t think they affected me the same way they affected Swaim
May 14th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I think the Six Flags mascot is funny. The slogan sucks, however.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Thanks Swaim, this made my day. I’ve been so damn annoyed with these six flags commercials ever since they came out with them years ago. The combination of turtleface and that ridiculous irritating music make me change the channel or radio station every time the commercials come on.
Last year when they had the asian guy screaming out the lines, I thought it couldn’t get any worse. It was like they were directing the damn commercials toward the schizophrenic demographic. Now that they’ve brought back the old wrinkly scrotum-for-a-face, I’ve lost faith in advertising agencies and mankind in general.
But since you are a droid I still have the utmost respect for you. I salute you, Mr. Swaim!
May 14th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Is “Semifore Camp” about semaphore or the number two?
…I think you misspelled “four”.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
If Sallie is human, and she’s your daughter… could I rent her for a weekend? You can watch…. even hold the web cam if you’d like… BITCH!
May 14th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
… with his limp dick if you gave him half the chance!
He diddled me plenty when he babysat me.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
The reference to flags on old Nick game shows brought on a fantastic rush of nostalgia, for which I feel compelled to thank you.
Very nice article. That “old” bastard fills me with an unhealthy amount of rage as well.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Wow, is it 2002? Maybe this article would have been better if it was 7years ago when this guy first appeared.
Are you going to go after Swanson TV dinners next?
May 14th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
This was so so so funny- I especially liked the part about you buying peanuts from him– I am currently watching a presentation about babies getting botulism and I had to cover my mouth from laughing out loud!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
… but were there surveillance footage of this old, crusty cunt being taken out permanently… I’d watch it. http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=30&sku=E-CD00296
May 14th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Actually, i havnt seen this geezer in a good few years… I guess I’m lucky.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I once blogged about how I hated that Asian guy yelling at the screen “More flags! More fun!” I wanted to punch him. Imagine my horror when I saw that Six Flags had the nerve to bring back that creepy wrinkled creature back from hell to replace the Asian guy. Now I pray for the days of the loud Asian guy to return. That’s how much I’m repulsed by the old guy.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Viper, like The Six Flags Great America wooden Roller Coaster the Viper?
May 14th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
The only thing you can fill is your Dad’s bum hole with your little boy-spooch!
May 14th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
You did it again, my comrade.
I was in stitches from the beginning to end!
May 14th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
“your peanut tin seems to be full of cashew nuts.”
I think those’re pistachios.
Making fun of progeria is low, Swaim.
Still, you’ve got a point there.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
“A skateboarding duck” “…while being wheeled out behind the barn to be put out of his misery.” hilarious. I seriously hate this guy too.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
What about the children? :O
May 14th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Glad I’m not the only one that feels this way.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
@Fat Lady Killer
They brought him back recently, I’ve seen him in a commercial at least once this week. He looks different though, they might have gotten a different actor to play “Mr. Six”.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Mr Six looks like he’s coming to rape your nightmares.
Or you, preferably both.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Probably too late for Skrubz to read butttt
Six Flags Amusement Park is called that because the original in Texas.
It was called Six Flags over Texas.
Guess why. During Texas’ history, six different countries have flown their flag over the territory. Hence why the park is also divided in 6 sections, each with a ‘flavor’ of that country. The Mexican flag area has (or had, last time I was there was about 15 years ago) a sombrero ride that spun you around. Get it? GET IT?
When they branched out to more locations, they just shortened it to Six Flags and that was that.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
The character’s name is “Mr. Six,” and they recently brought him out of retirement, so this is article relevant again. Also, not surprisingly, he’s played by a young guy in heavy makeup.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
@Fat Lady Killer: Who cares? It’s funny, so why do you give a shit about its relevancy? Also, you can, you know, look at the name of the author. Instead of wasting time. Dumbass. Random joke about the finite size of you penis.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
your peanut tin seems to be full of cashew nuts.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:58 am
wow, talk about outdated. Six Flags killed that guy off YEARS ago since the company was bought out. They are almost bankrupt now and about to be gone. Nice way to stay with the times. Who writes these articles anyway?
May 14th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Oh my god, the Viper gave me fucking whiplash.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Haha fuck yes.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Doctorchaos = Dumb troll.
Frank Castle. = Internet Tough Guy
You both fail.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:28 am
“FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGZ” ha ha that was cool.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Dude, you’re crazy. I think your awesome-detection software needs to be defragmented or some shit.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:20 am
how short can an article be?
pretty short.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:14 am
The Six Flags guy is pretty creepy, but he’s still not as bad as the Burger King. THAT motherfucker needs to die.
The Old Navy telepathic mannequins are a close creepy and annoying second.
Oh and I have cable and satellite and an OTA antenna, because one time during a hurricane the cable went out and Mrs. glendoor42 bitched and said you have have all this goddamn audio visual equipment and you can’t even get a picture on the tv, so we know what the weather doing, showed her ass.
I can get weather reports from fucking Mars if I want them.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Oh Swaim!!!…”Eat Chocolate Skittles and Die” made me shit myself…Incidentally, with Chocolate Skittles.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:09 am
For further information on Viper, see “dystopic” and his paint-mixer analogy.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:54 am
The best thing I’ve read on this site… maybe ever (and I love reading this site daily). You’ve vindicated the night terrors I’ve had since being eye-raped by this steaming sack of dead turtle shit.
Seriously, I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes! Thanks!
May 14th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Dr. Chaos. I will find you. You’re going to be in your bathroom doing a number 1 and a number 2 because of your slightly fucked up organs. Being born a hermaphrodite is no fun. I’m going to shove my beretta in your mouth and pull the trigger. Luckily for you there is only a resounding click. No bullet. I don’t kill fat internet nerds with acne, sticky keyboards, Mountain Dew can collections, and posters of Ranma 1/2 posted all over their room. I hope you piss and shit yourself enough to know that I can’t stand sons of bitches like you who act like the Larry Merchants of the world. Unless you’ve tried it, then quit talking shit. Somebody has to Punish the Corrupt.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:46 am
“Der ELTERN TöTEREN”
May 14th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Hollytamale Says:
May 14th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Thank you for calling out the Simpsons. Im tired of putting up with their shit. Last week I saw an episode where their hot tub broke and they wasted a whole minute flopping like fish on the ground. THEY’RE STEALING FAMILY GUY’S STYLE, DAMMIT!
And without the Simpsons, there never would have been a Family Guy… hater
May 14th, 2009 at 10:09 am
WTF is a Semifore Camp? Am I missing something here?
May 14th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Thank you for calling out the Simpsons. Im tired of putting up with their shit. Last week I saw an episode where their hot tub broke and they wasted a whole minute flopping like fish on the ground. THEY’RE STEALING FAMILY GUY’S STYLE, DAMMIT!
I love you, swaim.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Mr. Swaim, you must emmediately come to Denmark and marry me, ’cause you sir, are one funny man!
May 14th, 2009 at 9:58 am
I believe that’s a photo of pistachio nuts, not peanuts.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:57 am
What you missed (or perhaps, didn’t) was that they had an extremely stereotypical asian guy before they brought back turtleface there, screaming “more flags, more fun!” in pseudo-japanese-accent and clipped syllables.
They brought back turtleface because a bunch of asian anti-defamation groups threatened to sue if they didn’t lose the asian mascot.
Frankly, at this point, I would have gotten a new advertising company. How much could turtleface POSSIBLY be bringing in??
May 14th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Are they honestly still showing those decrepit commercials? That’s just one more reason for me to stay here in Germany rather than moving back home to the US.
Honestly, I’ve always been curious of the reason they would call an amusement park “Six Flags” in the first place. As you pointed out, what the hell do flags have to do with roller coasters?
May 14th, 2009 at 9:53 am
I had forgotten about those creepy commercials with that perversion of nature mascot. Thanks for renewing my nightmares.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:47 am
I don’t think I’d even buy canned, unsalted peanuts from the guy.
Funny article.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:44 am
WOW! i had to say thank you. i fuckin hate this guy and these ads so much i can’t stand it.
just great a dancing old person! that so original, how about a talking baby or puppy next?! this is one of the most annoying ads on TV and they have been running them for years!
May 14th, 2009 at 9:39 am
lol Chocolate Skittles, the anal droppings of the candy world.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:36 am
I think I love you.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:24 am
What the hell is Fear Factor? House? What is that? I’m sorry I’ll stick with watching Bloomberg Television and Dave Ramsey thanks.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Best. Article. Ever.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:58 am
“More Flags, More Fun” is absolutely true. I was at the United Nations once, and it was, like, a kickass non-stop orgy, with fireworks! Germany brought its beer, Cuba its cigars, Afghanistan hooked the whole crew up with opium, and Thailand, well, they brought something entirely different that I don’t wanna talk about. But still, We had a shitload of multi-flag fun.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:54 am
they should have saved money on Viper, and instead just made a ride where you sit in a giant can of paint that is then mixed by a giant paint mixing machine. the kind that violently shakes the can.
but the X is a pretty awesome ride.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:48 am
@Knuckles_95
I’m not the only one that noticed then. Or was picky enough to mention it.
Good article Swaim, many a belly laugh was had.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:44 am
wow seriously YOUR A DICK the six flags guy is cool
May 14th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Eat a dill
May 14th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Seriously, why is Six Flags using a creepy-looking old guy as their mascot? Are they trying to lure children into their pedo-lair? They might as well use Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy as their mascot. As least he’s funny.
Oh and that insanely creepy techno music they play in the background? All copies of those records must be destroyed.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Way to keep current Swaim. This mascot has been around for 5 years already.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:28 am
First the shitty, half-assed cracked TV this week, now talking shit about one of the few actually funny ad campaigns ever made.
Wow, been a while since I’ve had any GOOD Swaim, I’m gonna start having withdrawals soon!
May 14th, 2009 at 8:21 am
The Six Flags guy looks like Grandpa from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But creepier.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:05 am
that was fucking hilarious!!!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Nice, SWAIM, very nice! Although I actually DO sorta like that creepy bastard, I cannot deny that this was one very funny article!
Btw, my favorite Six Flags commercial was for their Halloween events: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cip0_9Q-Zc
May 14th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Semifore Camp! Bahahaha…. amazing
May 14th, 2009 at 7:41 am
We must kill the old man! It’s the only way.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:24 am
This is honestly one of the funniest things ive read on this site… congratulations, you have amazed a cracked veteran…
May 14th, 2009 at 7:22 am
I always thought that the mascot really was an old guy and died of a heart attack. It’s still alive? This makes me rage.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:13 am
For anyone bitching …they came out with new, even more obnoxious/creepy, commercials this month.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:11 am
I personally thought this was hilarious as usual.
Doofusboy is adopted, don’t listen to him.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:10 am
The best part of this was the “eat chocolate Skittles and die”…that chocolate Skittles article (aka “Shittles”)…remains one of my all time favorites
May 14th, 2009 at 7:01 am
CRACKED IS RUNNING OUT OF MATERIAL… NEWS AT 11
May 14th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Lame as ever of course
May 14th, 2009 at 6:58 am
This article resulted in epic lulz….I was literally bursting out in laughter at the end. I fucking hate that thing and I wish someone would kill it dead, it creeps the shit out of me.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:55 am
I like the edginess of Cracked and trust me I see the mascot skipping and dancing I want to give him a running kick in the nuts.
My only issue is that the reference to the Progeria Kid was made in the articl.
Am I taking it too seriously? Maybe but the same unsettling WTF feeling I get when I watch that idiot in the high-water tux try to shill for Six Flags returned when I saw the reference made to the kid.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:52 am
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Six <– he’s not played by a woman, but he is played by a gay guy, so, yeah, there ya go.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:42 am
I have always wondered why the mascot of an amusement park for children is a creepy old man. Why not just advertise that the place is a kidnapper’s or pedophile’s wet dream and change the slogan to “More kids, more fun… for me!”
May 14th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Hilarious. A note about the chocolate skittles (again): someone got a couple bags of them and left them in a teacher’s lounge where I work. No one has touched them.
I just saw the six-flags man last night while watching TV and experienced a similar sentiment. They need to just let him die!
May 14th, 2009 at 6:39 am
The Six Flags man is actually a chick in old make up. Look it up. Makes it even worse.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:33 am
I think the Six Flags guy is the same guy I once heard interviewed on NPR. He was the #1 Barcardi promoter, and even got to host massive week-long rum parties in Mexico for prize winners. The problem is he became a dysfuntional alcoholic from drinking so much, started becoming abusive and blacking out, and had to quit the job.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:29 am
oh man, this totally made my day!
i worked at six flags last year, and it was pretty much as torturous as you just described. i’m currently looking for another job so i won’t have to put up with it for another summer.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:28 am
People keep saying this ad’s been off TV for years, but it’s playing right now. Seriously, I’m hearing that ridiculous “six flags-more- flags-more-fun” bullshit as I type this.
And kudos for bringing back the chocolate skittles thing. It made me laugh. I give it six flags.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Robot Chicken: Six Flags Guy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKkTFwLgNAk&feature=related
May 14th, 2009 at 6:18 am
I think the hatred for the six flags man could united nations, races and creeds. Do they have these commercials in the Middle East? I’m just saying Obama…think about it.
Nice article Swaim, and Dana Carvey would have totally done the commercial if approached, no question.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:18 am
As a nerd, Michael, I assume you have seen the Robot Chicken parody of the Six Flags mascot. If not, I recommend you do so. It will restore your faith in one tiny part of television.
(I don’t have cable, either. Fight the power, brother– freedom from tyranny!)
May 14th, 2009 at 6:18 am
I fully endorse high levels of rage in my websites, but the chocolate Skittles bit was harsh.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:17 am
More flags more fun..Six Flags has BLAST POWER!
May 14th, 2009 at 6:16 am
I think I got as much of a laugh from the chocolate skittles reference in the address bar as much as the article! That and the Title. And the article. And the post sentence. And the f’ing TWO AND A HALF MEN!!! DIE SHOW!!! DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 6:09 am
OK man, next time you think you can fill a space with a random blog and call it a submission. DON’T.
Spare us your inane crap and just make more vids, it’s really all you’re good at.
If I made a blog for every TV ad I hated I could fill a fucking terrabyte of space, but it still wouldn’t be that funny, just like this isn’t either.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:07 am
The Viper didn’t give me migraines. The fucking Ninja gave me whiplash, and the Viper made me hurl.
But let’s face it, the Batman ride isn’t half-bad.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:03 am
I’ve been procrastinating from work with Cracked for years, and I’ve never commented on anything.
But Christ, Swaim, thank you. That fucking Six Flags guy makes me want to light my eyeballs on fire while stabbing them repeatedly with an acid-dipped pen. And that slogan doesn’t make any goddammn sense.
And I don’t have cable either. Or an HDTV. So in June when they take away my programming altogether because I refuse to shell out (get it? ‘Shell out’? Cause you made a turtle joke up there) $80 for a stupid cable box to properly watch all 6 channels I normally get, I’ll happily make the sacrifice if it means I don’t have to see that motherfucking pseudo-old man prancing around and violating my retinas.
God bless.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:00 am
More flags more fun.
A great concept until someone makes Seven Flags
May 14th, 2009 at 5:55 am
He is literally the face of Death.
…And Swaim? I think you need to update your cable because they don’t show that anymore. But it’s okay, I still love you.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Jesus Peas, man! I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Thanks, Swaim. Keep up the good work. Oh, and Shannon’s right. It’s just you and DOB that seem to be in it for the funny now. Carry on!
May 14th, 2009 at 5:50 am
semaphore
May 14th, 2009 at 5:40 am
I blame a lack of creativity. They just revamped an old concept after the Japanese guy screaming, “MO FRAGS! MO FUN!”, was deemed racially insensitive.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Yeah. Six Flags quadrupled the “creep factor” when he stopped dancing in front of school buses and started popping up in peoples living rooms & talking.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:24 am
I don’t care if it was belated–that was fucking hilarious.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Uh, Swaim, I like your articles and all, but your attack came quite a few years too late. And yes, that ‘old guy’ is a young, professional dancer in old man makeup.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:18 am
“The only times more flags equals more fun are at Semifore Camp and on Nickelodeon game shows from the late 90’s.”
YES! Double Dare!
I’ll take the physical challenge, since I don’t think that their mascot could….
May 14th, 2009 at 5:11 am
Great job Swaim. You’re confronting an ad that hasn’t been on t.v. (at least where I live) in years. What’s next? You gonna bash the disney channel or Nickelodeon for putting out shows that are literally turning children into mindless pussies?
Actually go ahead and do that. I’m not brave enough to do it myself ever since Disney left my dog’s dead corpse on my doorstep.
Is that my doorbell? I’ll be right back . . . .
May 14th, 2009 at 5:09 am
He actually a young guy in a bunch of makeup
May 14th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Swaim, I haven’t laughed out loud so hard at an article for a while. Thank you!
“You are a place that houses a collection of giant robots that push people around.”–the best line
And just FYI, to all the comment readers, it’s called Six Flags because the first one was in Texas, which has had Six Flags flown over it in the course of it’s history. French, Spanish, Mexican, Texan, Confederate, and American
May 14th, 2009 at 5:00 am
Is it me or is that picture up there not of peanuts but of Pistachio nuts?
May 14th, 2009 at 4:54 am
Thank God someone else remembers the screaming Asian guy. My husband nearly convinced me he was a product of hallucinations brought on by pregnancy. Now I know he’s real.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:53 am
I finally know what that dancing old man emoticon on msn is about. He’s a mascot for roller coasters!…Wait…what?!
May 14th, 2009 at 4:41 am
another awesome article, I especially like the line about the chocolate skittles.. please post more frequently as you and DOB are the only funny guys on this site..
May 14th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Fortunately I’ve not had to see the terrifying decrepit old man commercials in some time yet. So long, in fact, that I had actually forgotten those blasphemes of nature existed.
Thanks, Swaim, for resurfacing all those repressed traumas. I shall be forwarding you my psychiatry bill, good sir.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:38 am
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May 14th, 2009 at 4:35 am
Maybe they are aiming for the geriatric demographic. Anyways where can i buy tix for infinity flags?
May 14th, 2009 at 4:31 am
I totally agree! What happened to the awesome Asian dude? I can totally get behind “More Flags, More Fun” when that motherfucker is screaming it at me.
I liked how his face would show up with an awesome “FUMP.” That onomatopoeia folks. Look it up.
It was like he had been thrown at the screen and inside of sliding down the inside of my television screen, he reformed his face in a micro second and screamed his catch phrase.
That’s more entertainment for me than any Simpson’s episode in recent history. So let’s start a petition to bring back screaming Asian dude! Who’s with me?
May 14th, 2009 at 4:26 am
And don’t forget the other Six Flags mascot, “supposedly stereotypical shouting Asian guy”, whose only redeeming quality (from a PR standpoint) is that they at least don’t have him say “Mole frags, mole fun!”
May 14th, 2009 at 4:12 am
Actually the creepy old guy on those commercials is my friend’s uncle.
So it’s rather hilarious that you would use him for an article, because I kind of know him.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:11 am
I love you swaim! make love to me!
May 14th, 2009 at 4:07 am
love it swaim. you’re mad, but astonishingly awesome
May 14th, 2009 at 4:07 am
Yeah, fuck you Six Flags…or should I say Six Fags?
Ha. Got ‘em.