There’s a plethora of product review sites on the Internet, but they all have one problem in common: Responsibility. They’re always “carefully testing products” given to them “expressly for that purpose,” and where’s the fun in that? Plus, they don’t have nearly enough pictures or boobs and almost never use the word ‘ball-crushingly’ to its full effect.
See that? Already this is twice as good as a normal product review.
Not only will I review products that appeal to you, the Cracked demographic, but I’ll actually see how they perform out in the real world with that most difficult and demanding of scenarios: Trying to get some. First up, the breakdown:
Produced by Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, the Lovecraft Collection of perfumed oils are all scents directly drawn from, or at least inspired by, the works of H.P. Lovecraft and the Cthulhu universe. There’s a lot of good stuff to choose from here, like Azathoth, The Daemon Sultan, whose marketing copy reads: “Azathoth is the blind, idiot god who sits on a black throne at the center of Chaos. His scent is high-pitched and screeching, both impenetrably dark and searingly bright with the clarity of madness: tangerine, saffron, vetiver, black amber and cedarwood.”
And while that sounded interesting (let’s face it, nothing screeches like cedarwood) I’m a straight-up sucker for the classics. I had to opt for Cthulhu himself: “A creeping, wet, slithering scent, dripping with seaweed, oceanic plants and dark, unfathomable waters.”
Simple, classy, elegant- who am I kidding? Words cannot describe the scent that is Cthulhu, for to describe it is to invite madness into this world. Although frankly, if somebody billed a scent as “Cthulhu-like” and smelling it didn’t rupture the void between this world and the forgotten abyss, I’d ask for my fucking money back.
Shape Shifting Car
Technically speaking, the Peugeot Globule is not a product up for review. It’s what automobile makers call a Concept Car, which basically means it’s the car design equivalent of masturbation: often secret, not meant to be shared with others and frequently inspiring both shame and regret when it is revealed. But luckily for you my passion for a thorough consumer review is only rivaled by my passion for grand larceny. Let’s just say I “acquired” a test model.
The Globule is comprised of four separate, distinct pods that can take one passenger a piece. They’re each individually powered, so adding or subtracting a globule doesn’t affect the power or performance of the vehicle, and are all held together in a flexible polymer coating that allows for on the fly adjustment. The design is as sleek and sexy as you’d expect a high-end concept to be, and the gel-like exterior and ribbed texture are perfect for the eight people on earth who have always wanted to travel inside of a buttplug.
“I see absolutely nothing wrong with this design, Jenkins. Though you are, of course, aware that my mental condition causes me to see nothing but penises, right?”
As you probably guessed from that image, the Globule can shift its shape to accomplish a variety of purposes. For example, in parking mode all four pieces stack vertically, so that the driver’s pod is the only part actually touching the ground. Clearly, this erect shape is perfect for fitting into tight spaces that would otherwise be uncomfortable for all involved.
Conductive Skin Ink
Bare is the first non-toxic, skin-safe conductive ink. It essentially transforms the human body into a functioning circuit component which, despite being the entire reason robots killed people in The Matrix, is actually pretty neat. Although right now, Bare is mostly used for performance art pieces (if you’re not familiar with the art world, that’s OK: “Performance Art” is what pale men named Heinrich call it when they strip nude and yell at passersby about stuff like “societal amorality” and “machine-emotion”). The conductive ink can be used for more utilitarian and entirely practical purposes… like playing the naked lady piano!
“I am a musician. Women are my instrument. No, for realsies; I’m not just being a dick here.”
In order to hock musician Calvin Harris’s new single, Sony Music set up a human synthesizer using Bare-painted bikini models instead of keys. Mr. Harris performed his song by touching hands with each model in turn to complete their circuit, thus activating the conductive pad they were standing on and triggering their pre-assigned sound. That’s right: Sony Music advocates using women like inanimate objects. So don’t be surprised when Sony Pictures starts using whores as camera mounts and driving nails into their sets with the skulls of loudly protesting skanks.
Explosive Energy Drink
Inspired by the video game, Gears of War, the Imulsion energy drink is based off of an in-game liquid described as a “phosphorescent, highly volatile, low-viscosity fluid.” In the game “direct exposure for any length of time” to Imulsion will cause subjects to “transform into highly explosive forms.” That could all be metaphor, of course, for the aggressive edginess often brought about by high doses of caffeine, thus causing the drinker to “explode” at the drop of a hat… or it could literally turn your pee into dynamite. Only time and the ratio of ruined toilets to ruined relationships will tell. It should also be noted that, like all energy drinks, Imulsion has the consistency of expired cough syrup and tastes like somebody raped a lemon.
Gel Condom
Another product not officially released for public use, the gel condom is meant to help stem the tide of HIV infection in developing countries. The Gel Condom is usable by both sexes, but it’s mostly meant for women who might find themselves sleeping with men refusing to use a condom themselves. The gel works by shifting from a liquid to a solid when coming in contact with sperm, thus physically entrapping semen to be disposed of later. If it helps, think of it like Angelina Jolie: Full of noble intentions but really only good for a quick fuck and then should be promptly discarded before it starts to smell. Though it’s invaluable for women, there’s little added benefit for men over a regular condom. Although if you’ve ever wanted a Transformer for a penis, this is probably as close as you’re going to get for now.
Of course my dick is a Decepticon. Did you think it’d be a good guy?
What? Don’t front; we’ve all wanted our dongs to change into trucks at some point. Just own up to it. Don’t make this weird.
***
And now to the second half of the review: How do these things perform in real life or, more importantly, how well do they facilitate your pussy intake? Well, thanks to extensive Photoshop manipulation and a technique I call “fantasti-lying,” I was able to attain the assistance of a very attractive young lady for the night’s experiment (though she seemed quite uneasy when I referred to our prospective date as “the night’s experiment”). I started off our evening by boiling some water and burning off my tastebuds before downing six cans of Imulsion. If there’s anything Sex in the City has taught me, it’s that women love energetic, confident, violently explosive men, and the Imulsion certainly gave me all of those things in spades. After the fifth can or so, the world began to vibrate at a frequency exactly counter to my saccadic eye movements, tinting my vision with a parade of angular lines–an effect somewhat akin to that of a half-erased Etch-A-Sketch.
“Is my vision supposed to be erased whenever I shake? Because I can’t stop shaking…”
I then generously applied some of my newly acquired Cthulhu oil. After the first whiff, I heard the distant scuttling of tiny legs, and thought I caught the peripheral movement of something pink and be-tentacled. Excellent. The void was breached! What better way to set a mood? Chicks love dangerous guys, and if they get wet for a motorcycle I expect a goddamn monsoon for bringing forbidden knowledge of the Old Ones to the table.
Gross, Robert. Come on.
I stepped out to the Peugeot Globule, which I had left in its phallic parking shape, rammed between the orb-like shells of two VW Bugs. I had to walk 16 blocks to find a spot with two bugs parked back to back, but when I saw the silhouette of the Globule’s massive, erect shaft jiggling softly between the two short, round vehicles, I knew it was worth it. I mounted my automotive dildo and drove out to pick up my companion.
Listen: If you’re going to overcompensate, you might as well go all out.
I greeted my date cordially, who appeared to be somewhere between disappointed and skeptically furious upon first seeing me. When I led her out to the car, she was clearly hesitant about entering through the somewhat sticky, gel-like doors, but eight quick shoves and some vaguely threatening language later, and we were on our way. She seemed to perk up a bit when she noticed the fancy French restaurant we parked in front of, but her mood fell noticeably when it became clear that we were actually heading for the alleyway behind it. By the time she realized the alley was full of hobos shuffling absentmindedly in place on conductive metal disks, she seemed downright crestfallen.
“Oh, so now you’re too good for an old fashioned impromptu hobo orchestra? Talk about pretentious…”
Well, what did you expect? I didn’t exactly have the kind of funds needed to hire two dozen stunning supermodels who wouldn’t mind becoming electrical conductors for the day; I had to make do with promising Government Cheese sandwiches to the residents of a local shelter. After I convinced my lovely escort that this was not, in fact, a no-holds barred impromptu hobo-gangbang, but actually a piece of performance art, I began the show. It was a brilliant, emotive piece, that wove a tapestry of painful detail depicting the tenuous nature of human connection, and how it is being systemically destroyed by the ever-increasing gap that technological communication is engendering in our youth.
She wanted to know why I high-fived bums in alleyway to the tune of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” for 45 minutes.
God, art is wasted on the audience.
Pictured: Art.
I started to explain in the most patronizing terms I could manage that what I had done was an important social commentary, when a scruffy, angry man who introduced himself as “Billy Grills” began loudly demanding some sort of ridiculous sandwich payment. When I told him I had no idea what he was talking about, he inexplicably became irate. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I lost my composure, and that harsh words were exchanged. I am shamed to admit that clumsy, furious blows were thrown. I am downright mortified to admit that I may have spit in his face several times. When the last, particularly juicy mouthful contacted his lit cigarette, a massive explosion wracked the air.
So apparently Imulsion wasn’t a just metaphor after all.
He screamed and ran frantically about the alleyway, trying to put out the inferno that raged where his face should be, while I yelled out helpful fire safety advice.
“Stop, and look both ways!” I yelled. “Reduce, reuse, recycle!”
When I noticed my date attempting to flee into the night, I was forced to make a hasty, ungentlemanly exit. I would have to remember to at least send the man a “Sorry I Spit Your Face on Fire” card. Exploding saliva is no excuse for poor manners, after all.
I managed to catch up to my lovely doe-eyed shock victim on the street, and noticed she was visibly shaken. Now, I am not a heartless man, so I did my best to comfort her, and hugged her reassuringly. After a minute of sniffling, she seemed to calm down. She looked perplexed all of a sudden, then pulled away and asked me what scent I was wearing.
“Madness,” I told her, and smiled knowingly as horror crept across her face. Hells yeah! She’d totally do me now that she knew what a bad boy I really was.
“That’s right: I’ve just introduced you to the void, sugar. Wanna bone now, or after the creeping horror violates your soul’s orifices?”
“Don’t worry,” I continued, holding out a handful of slime, “it’s safe, I brought protection. This is a gel condom. It’s like a shapeshifter that goes inside your cooch.”
As she bolted away into the fog, swatting at the half-seen shadowed tentacles, I couldn’t help but wonder what had gone wrong. Then it dawned on me: the Imulsion! Of course she was worried!
“Wait,” I called after her, “Is this because my semen is a Class-2 High Explosive? Don’t worry! I’ll shoot it out the window!”
But she was already gone.
I didn’t quite know what to make of the night. Clearly something had gone wrong but–from my jiggling anal-bead transport to the dark scents of the Forgotten Gods to my Cock Decepticon–everything had worked exactly as I’d intended. Though I have to give high marks to all the products involved, I was still inexplicably left ending my date like every single other romantic experience I’ve ever had: Furious and unsatisfied. Luckily I still had a wounded hobo, an unsatisfied erection, high-explosive semen and a score to settle. The night wouldn’t be a total wash.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Reviews, commercials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 4th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
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October 26th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Do NOT invoke the wrath of the forgotten gods.
EVER!
If you do, place a gun to your head, make peace with your god or deity of your choice, and pull the goddamn trigger.
That will be better than what they will do if they catch you.
Think gigantic, knobbly, spiked manhoods, gang rape, and horrors from beyond the dawn of time that will make your freaking eyes bleed, your ears to burst, and for a variety of insane mutations to wrack your body in a variety of horrible and painful ways, AND YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO DIE! EVER!
You have been warned.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
“It’s like a shapeshifter that goes inside your cooch.” Its not really an easy line to fit into a conversation, but im going to shoehorn it in as often as possible.
Also: “a no-holds barred impromptu hobo-gangbang”
A-fucking-mazing.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:32 pm
I’m embarrassed by how hard the Angelina Jolie crack made me laugh. Seriously, I’m ashamed of myself. I think I may have farted, too.
All in all, 9 out of 10.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
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October 15th, 2009 at 9:10 am
gel condem??…………………………………….well i gess lube is going to go out of bizzniss
October 14th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
oh… my… God! The last line is actually horrific!
This was some funny, funny shit! Best article i’ve read in a while…
October 12th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Jsut want to let you know I found this really interesting
October 7th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Lmfao i’m sure i could make this work just let me have a crack at it. I know plenty of hookers who dont give a fuck htey will take it and love it.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Decepticock. Heh, heh. I like it!
October 1st, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Dear lord. Marry me.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:27 am
After reading it I have just one question: Will you go out with me?
September 30th, 2009 at 10:57 am
“I’ll shoot it out the window” is my new catchphrase.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:24 am
best. ending. ever.
September 29th, 2009 at 2:08 am
Decepticock.
September 27th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
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September 27th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I swear, this is one of the best of the best… I do not laugh out loud too often, but this one got me
I’m a little shy that I like this one better than the cool stuff, about presidents and such, but no other stories ended with sperm-induced hobo explosions. (Although I have not studied Rousvelts biography entirely).
September 25th, 2009 at 10:42 am
[...] The 5 Least Sexy Products Money Can Buy=One Terrifying Date [...]
September 25th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Cthulhu and Hoborape? This is the best article ever!
September 25th, 2009 at 2:00 am
Lecherous man home,beauty paradise!!!
beautiful woman her combat index to 3200.. is she still stay with her husband.. someone posted on yahoo answers that she has an profile on an online site ~~~Sugarloves~~~ you know it is a bad site for rich men to seek sexy girls
September 24th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Ccok Decepticon. Classic.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:04 am
I’m gonna sue this guys, they took my dating experiences and are making profit because of it!!!! Damn you Lisa!!!, I told you to keep that date as a secret…oh boy… (_(_)
September 24th, 2009 at 7:06 am
[...] The 5 Least Sexy Products Money Can Buy [Cracked] [...]
September 24th, 2009 at 3:20 am
You know what, Rob (can I call you Rob?), you don’t need that skank if she can’t appreciate fine hobo art and the scent of forever.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:19 am
http://www.cracked.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/tentacle1.jpg
awesome tentacles…
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Incredibly psychotic and funny article. you continuously knock it out of the park, Brockway.
Still, what’s up with all the 4channers and the spammies? Too long, racial slurs, didn’t get it…
Man, the Youths are on a fucked up path lately….
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
mehfag.
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
I’m just wondering… if the gel turns into a solid when semen hits it, then how do you get it out after you are done? Depending on how solid it gets, you could potentially do some pretty bad damage to the woman’s vagoo.
Ah well, that’s why nature made the OTHER vagina!
September 23rd, 2009 at 10:55 am
This entire article is pure genius.
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 am
Great stuff as usual
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:27 am
“Wait,” I called after her, “Is this because my semen is a Class-2 High Explosive? Don’t worry! I’ll shoot it out the window!”
That one made me burst into terrible giggles, i love it!
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:55 am
Not in list form
Did not read
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:34 am
i am in love.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:47 pm
[...] The 5 Least Sexy Products Money Can Buy [...]
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Best bit was the high fiveing with the bums.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:28 pm
The last two sentences are wonderful.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Awesome article all around, but it was that second to last sentence that really got me.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:19 pm
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September 22nd, 2009 at 9:26 pm
And these are the days of our lives. lol You have quite an imagination, freaken hysterical! haha
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Fucking Urotsukidoji FTW!!
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I think the Lovecraft collection is themed towards the Goth niche. It’s niche marketing. Goths probably think it’s sexy.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:27 pm
And I thought the other fantasy-adventure article was amazing; but THIS was a work of art!
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Queen IS art.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
‘Fantasti-lying’ man that was pure genius
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:51 pm
“Somebody raped a lemon” is now my favourite phrase.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
….. uhh, i don’t know how to comment on this…..
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:09 pm
You dated a garbage disposal?
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:11 pm
CTHULU smells exactly like the bottom of my garbage disposal, I know, we dated once.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Oh wow dude major cool. I like it!
RT
http://www.online-privacy.us.tc
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
i like our little chats
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:36 pm
you sir,
are a comical mastermind.
‘“Madness,” I told her, and smiled knowingly as horror crept across her face.’
somebody give this man a cookie.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
ill be online all day if someone wants an invite to lockerz
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Rejected underwear prototypes:
http://bit.ly/NxPA6
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Too long could not read needed more pictures
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
NIGGER
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Man, this article should have included more jew killing.
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Only one complaint: having to compete with Bucholz in the same day.
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
If only ‘Cthulhu’ smelled like madness. It actually smells like seawater and Irish Spring.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
No one asked you or gave a shit, noirakita
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
this is the best thing i have ever read in my life.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:25 pm
“Luckily I still had a wounded hobo, an unsatisfied erection, high-explosive semen and a score to settle. The night wouldn’t be a total wash.”
A great ending to a hilarious story. Man, that Gears of War drink looks vile.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
There’s just no part of this that isn’t great.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I asked my boyfriend to get me some of that Cthulu Perfume or one of the other Lovecraftian scents since we’re both into the Cthulu Mythos.
Yes we’re weird, thanks for asking.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
You rock as always, Brockway. Plus you showed me a number of products that I now have to try.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I once made the mistake of buying the ‘Mad Sweeny’ scent from the Neil Gaiman Collection at the Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. Suffice it to say it would have been cheaper and more efficient to bathe in Jameson Whiskey before going out. The also have steampunk scents in case you want to smells like orchids and burnt out vacuum cleaner motors.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
“Luckily I still had a wounded hobo, an unsatisfied erection, high-explosive semen and a score to settle. “— Best sentence ever
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I thought that was pretty funny actually…I lol’ed at ““Don’t worry,” I continued, holding out a handful of slime” and almost choked on my potato chip
thank you internet for turning me into a parody of myself!
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
“I’ll shoot it out the window!” - “…and a score to settle.” Absolute brilliance.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
At first I read the top of the energy drink can as Bears of War. I like my version better.
I can’t believe these are all actual products. The phallic car parked between 2 Beetles is priceless…
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:54 am
Actually sounds better than most of my dates! Give me a call next time , Brockway!
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Ah, it was alright. Not really funny but I liked the products you showed us.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:45 am
Greeting Card? http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=4&sku=ENGL-CD00276 I LUV HOT CORN!
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:43 am
Ok, this one was great. I especially started laughing after it began on the date half, as every vaguely-disgusting word picture was painted like the morph-car between the VWs and the monsoon, but my favorite lines were: “Fantasti-lying” and “tasted like someone raped a lemon.”
Great work, Mr. Brockway. I loved this. I’m going to have to come back and read it again sometime.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:32 am
[...] 5 thinks that’ll help you end a date quickly [...]
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:16 am
“Is this because my semen is a Class-2 High Explosive?”
I have to find a way to work this into a conversation. Bravo Brockway.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:59 am
What woman doesn’t love 45 minutes of Another One Bites The Dust? She obviously wasn’t worth your time.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
Sounds like a great time to me.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:33 am
“…tastes like somebody raped a lemon.” Marry me Brockway. Sigh.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:16 am
Now I’m the “Cracked reader demographic”
Nice
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:45 am
“Stop, and look both ways!” I yelled. “Reduce, reuse, recycle!”
The best fire safety advice I’ve ever seen, especially if my face were on fire. Genius!!
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:02 am
Luckily I still had a wounded hobo, an unsatisfied erection, high-explosive semen and a score to settle. The night wouldn’t be a total wash.
I think we’ve all been there.
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:00 am
“She looked perplexed all of a sudden, then pulled away and asked me what scent I was wearing.
“Madness,” I told her, and smiled knowingly as horror crept across her face. Hells yeah! She’d totally do me now that she knew what a bad boy I really was.”
Brilliant, Brockway, truely brilliant…
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:43 am
Why am I not surprised that CavalierX rapes and strangles the impoverished?
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:32 am
Somehow left me w/ that Will Farrel bit from SNL where he’s Neil Young and painfully honest in his songwriting, something to the affect of, “I had to strangle a hobo just to get an errection…”
Good article too. I must say, you guys should be getting checks form Steve Jackson Games or Chaosium, whoever the Hell puts out CoC. Your site, very popular in the geek pop-culture circles
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:24 am
correct me if i am wrong but wouldn’t explosive semen negate the need for any type of prophylactic?
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:00 am
[...] 5 Least Sexy Products Money Can Buy = One Terrifying Date Jump to comments Posted in: Featured New article up at Cracked addressing some very important issues: Haven’t you ever wanted to smell like a giant squid-monster from beyond time? Haven’t [...]
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:17 am
Fantastic, Brockway. I love seeing when someone can accurately satire Cthulhu.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:15 am
ahh dick jokes. cracked is getting back to its roots.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:01 am
This is the most romantic thing I’ve ever read… I cried. It’s like “Little Women”, with the added bonus of hobo ass rape. Hats off Brockway, you, sir, are a poet.
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:38 am
Well that explains the flooding half the country is experiencing. The scent of Cthulu turned the world on.
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:27 am
Luckily, everyone around me thinks the bursts of mad laughter and strangling noises coming from my office are because I’m just strangle-raping a hobo as usual, not because I’m goofing off reading Cracked.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:57 am
That last picture… good old japan
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:55 am
Hobo rape is something we can all rally behind.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:49 am
Wanna find a tall partner???
Here is a very nice place——– Tallfinder (com) ——–It’s where Tall singles looking for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with. You are just seconds away from taking that first step towards the life you have been longing for…
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:18 am
HAH! You messed up. The fact that people were energy sources was the reason the robots DIDN’T kill them
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:16 am
That sounds like the best date ever. I would kill for a night out on the town like that.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:11 am
Interesting angle on the car. I immediately thought you’d go for how if the city were ever attaked by a female godzilla she’d use it as a dildo.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:06 am
i think actual-cthulhu is supposed to smell like a hundred charnel houses opening their doors or something. gross.
hilarious article.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:06 am
Cthulu cologne sounds awesome. I gotta get me some of that so i can drive the ladies mad. Get it? Cthulu…mad? I’m awesome.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:51 am
Just brilliant. I want to have your babies.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:28 am
Remind me never to go on a date with you, good article though!
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:28 am
Huge stretch for an awful Transformers reference.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:21 am
Awesome
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:10 am
“Tastes like somebody raped a lemon” elicited a genuine lol.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:09 am
“Don’t worry, it’s safe, I brought protection. This is a gel condom. It’s like a shapeshifter that goes inside your cooch.”
ha, gonna pick me up some high class women with that one.