“So wait, she actually talked to you?” I eyed DOB with disbelief. “Can girls even talk?”
“No, I know! She made words at me like a real person. That means we had sex, right? That’s what that is?” We were hunched together in the Cracked cafeteria line, huddled close so nobody could steal our scintillating conversation.
“Dude,” I whispered, “you used protection, right? You don’t want no kids.”
“Yeah,” he replied, stepping up to the Hot Orders counter. “I didn’t set my mace down the entire time. I’m no fool. Chicken sandwich, please.”
Mace: A social condom.
The cafeteria worker ladled a hot pile of chicken-sandwich-flavored sludge onto DOB’s tray, and he stepped aside.
“So what did you talk about? Buttered Vicodin, please,” I winked at the cafeteria person on the off chance that it was a woman. It was impossible to tell, of course; for some reason you lose all gender-specific traits when you stand behind glass-walled counters in an apron, but I like to play the odds. I took my noticeably larger-than-usual scoop of Vicodin in butter sauce and followed DOB to the Cold Orders side.
“Mostly about how she didn’t want me to mace her. She was very polite. She said, ‘please’ and ‘oh Jesus fuck no,’ and everything. I think she was probably a nun.”
“Nice!” I went to high five DOB but, as usual, Swaim intercepted it mid-air. I don’t see the guy for months on end and yet every single time I try to high-five somebody, I end up slapping hands with Swaim instead. He nodded curtly and stepped sideways. In an instant, he was lost in the crowd and gone like he’d never been there.
Pictured: Asian Swaim.
“That guy is the Keyser Soze of five-jackin’” DOB observed, moving up to the counter. “Jell-O please.”
DOB took the brick of hard purple filth that we laughably called Jell-O and stepped out of line.
“So what did you do this weekend?” He asked me, dipping his Jell-O brick into the chicken sandwich sludge and choking back his gag reflex.
“Whiskey please,” I held out my tray and took my ladle-full of whiskey. The sweet brown liquid slopped over the edges of the segregated compartments of my lunch-tray. I continued following DOB. “Not much man: traveled back in time, tamed and rode a dinosaur, got an arch-nemesis.”
I didn’t say it was a good nemesis.
We eyed the crowded room for somewhere to sit. We spotted Bucholz sitting alone as usual, an entire table to himself, but when we started to head towards him he got up and clocked a guy with a chair.
“ON THE FIRST DAY YOU EITHER KILL A DUDE, OR BECOME SOMEBODY’S BITCH!” he screamed at nobody in particular.
I’m pretty sure he’s been here for years now, and also that he was confusing lunch-time with prison, but I wasn’t sure enough to risk the embarrassment of asking, so we moved on. We settled for standing around the garbage can, hunched over our respective plates and shoveling “food” into our mouths as quickly as possible before retching it into the receptacle.
“Sounds like a good weekend, what happened?” he asked me, wiping the slurry of disintegrating Jell-O brick and watery chicken sandwich sludge from the front of his shirt.
***
I cracked my knuckles, releasing all the pent-up literary genius that had congealed in my fingers while I wrote (if you don’t vent that stuff it gets infected, and you end up writing like Tom Clancy), and I got up to check on my beer.
Pictured: author Tom Clancy suffering from an acute case of “shit-fingers.”
I dropped to my belly and army-crawled out of my office and down the hallway. When the coast was clear, I somersaulted into the open elevator, choked out the delivery-man who’d been the only witness and pressed the button for the basement, where I’d been secretly brewing my own beer for the better part of two hours now. They say properly brewed beer can take months to ferment into alcohol, but I had an idea: What if, instead of water, you just used alcohol to start with? Then it was simply a matter of stirring the beer flavoring into the base liquor, right? Also, what better beer flavoring than beer itself? I guess if you want to get technical about it, I had really just mixed two gallons of Everclear with six cases of Pabst, and left it to age for a few hours in an empty fuel barrel that I’d found.
As I sauntered down the hall to check on my artisanal craft, I noticed a door I’d never seen before. I kicked it open dramatically (just in case there were any bad guys inside) and prepared to run in slow motion from an explosion, if necessary.
And that’s when I saw the time machine.
***
“Wait,” DOB interjected, as we moved to Bucholz’s now mysteriously empty table, “there’s a time machine in the basement?”
“Yeah dude, it’s right there in the open. Red door, big white letters that say ‘Time Machine’ on it.” I sopped up the remaining Vicodin sauce and whiskey with a napkin and then ate it.
“It says ‘Time Machine’ on the door?” DOB was skeptical; I could tell by the jerking off motion he made with his hand. If there wasn’t a penis in it, it meant he was skeptical. If there was a penis in it, he was either very excited to meet you or under arrest. It depended on the situation.
A hand wank how to: Fig 1. Forward Wank. Fig. 2. Reverse Wank. Repeat.
“Yeah, it probably said ‘Time Machine.’ I don’t really know, it was tl;dr.”
“Did you just ‘tl;dr’ a fucking sign?” Bucholz had snuck up on me with a makeshift shiv he’d formed from a toothbrush. He’d apparently been preparing to shank me, but now recoiled in disgust.
“Yeah, dude. It’s like, if they wanted me to read it, they wouldn’t have made it out of words, you know? I only read pictures,” I answered.
He spat on the floor and wandered off to find a more deserving victim, muttering racially charged epithets into his blade.
“So anyway,” I turned back to DOB and continued, despite already approaching the thousand-word mark…
***
I entered the dimly lit Time Machine room and stared in slack-jawed awe at the opulent presence of the technology before me. There were dials within dials, buttons beset by buttons and I’m pretty sure there was even a lever with a smaller lever mounted on it.
“I wonder which one of these activates the science…”
Just as I was about to charge into the fray–pressing, pulling, twisting and probably punching just for good measure–a strong hand gripped my shoulder and whirled me around. I was now staring into the face of the grimmest… face I’d ever… faced.
“What you doin’ here, boy?” the grizzled scientist asked me. It was clear he’d been lost in his work for weeks, even months, and hadn’t seen the light in just as long.
“I was just gonna fuck with this machine a bunch is all,” I answered earnestly, hoping he would take note of my earnestness long enough for me to think of a lie to tell him.
“You any idea what this here gizmo does? You got any clue what bad gonna come outta usin’ it without knowin’ what you’re doin’?”
***
“He sounds more like a cowboy than a professor,” DOB noted, still insistently making the jerk-off motion. It was clear his arm was becoming cramped, but he gritted his teeth and suffered through. “Are you sure he was a scientist?”
“Yeah, of course. He had on a blue jumpsuit, like those scientists that work at NASACAR.”
Pictured: Robert’s understanding of space travel. Also, epic reverse camel-toe.
“You mean NASCAR?” sweat broke out on his brow from the continued arm-strain, but he seemed to take this as a sort of challenge and merely upped the tempo of his masturbatory pantomime.
“Yeah, you know – those cars that go in space. Plus he had a hairnet to keep hair from getting into the science.”
“I’m not so sure you-” DOB began, but it was too late, I had already typed these three asterisks.
***
“You use this machine without proper trainin’, boy, and the consequences’ll be mighty dire,” the scientist continued, glowering at me as I fidgeted in place.
“But I wanna press the buttons!” I pleaded, mimicking the pressing of buttons and making science noises as if to illustrate how neat that would be.
“You wanna plunge us all into darkness here?”
“No sir,” I answered shamefully. The potential consequences of time travel truly were daunting. I had no idea it could destroy the sun itself!
“Now listen, I got some pornos that need lookin’ at back in the toilet, you gotta promise me you won’t touch nothin’,” he said, adopting the distracted, shifty-eyed expression of a man with unfinished pornography on his mind.
“Yessir.”
He grunted once more by way of goodbye, and shuffled back down the hallway towards what I’m assuming were the science bathrooms.
I, of course, immediately locked the door and started taking frantic, poorly-aimed swings at any and everything button or lever-like in appearance. The engines coughed and sputtered into activity, and the room began to fill with a mysterious fog.
“Time mist!” I said in awe and inhaled deeply.
This is either time mist or Prince is on fire .
***
“And then I had the most amazing adventures!” I told DOB, who had now apparently extended the length of the imaginary penis he was pretending to pleasure, gripping the shaft with both hands and working it mightily, like a Viking rowing a warship. “I met a dinosaur named Maxwell and we became best friends, but Doctor Prehistoria didn’t like that and we blew up his crystal castle on top of Mount Tyrannosaur and it was like PRKOW SPLOOSH CRASH. I’m sure glad I didn’t listen to Professor Garcia about not using the time machine.”
“Wait,” DOB abruptly stopped wanking the alarmingly large, phantom penis and stared at me. “Professor Garcia? You mean Garcia, the janitor?”
“Science-janitor,” I corrected him.
“No. Just janitor. Lazy eye, hair-net for no reason, filthy denim jumpsuit, always cleaning that one bathroom behind the generator-room that he’s lined with pictures of fat chicks eating cake?”
“Yeah! That’s his lab. And right outside of that is the Time Machine room with all the time mist.”
“No, that’s the emergency generator. With the diesel fumes.”
“So I didn’t spend all weekend fighting for justice in the year eight million?”
“No, you spent all weekend huffing gasoline in an enclosed space in the basement.”
Adventures through time!
I spent a silent moment mourning the dino-friendship that had apparently never been, and shed a solitary tear for Maxwell’s brave but now ultimately meaningless sacrifice on the lava-sleds.
“Either way, it was pretty fuckin’ sweet!” DOB suddenly broke out, angling a hand up for a conciliatory high-five. His hand stopped suddenly short of mine, and we both stared up into the face of Swaim. He smiled knowingly, and then ducked beneath the table. When we both lunged down to look for him, we found nothing–nothing but the muffled rustling of leaves in wind. Why there were leaves and wind in the cafeteria is either due to the mystery that is Swaim, or a testament to the blatant violations of the building code that we live with every day.
“You think that room’s still open?” DOB asked, his face brightening.
“Hey…yeah! And my Everbeer’s probably ready by now!”
“I’m gonna meet Thomas Jefferson… and punch him in the mouth!” DOB proclaimed as we ran towards the elevators.
“I’m gonna bone Catherine the Great!” I countered.
“I’m gonna bone Thomas Jefferson… in the mouth!”
And so began the story of that one fateful summer when I stopped being a boy, and finally learned how to be a man.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under DOB, DOB is like a deceiful homeless woman, Dinosaurs, Travel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 9th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
dude somthin with you and DOB lol i cant stop laughing at your stories haha.
freakin gnarly d00d
November 4th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
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October 22nd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
FIRST!
Now I too am a tool
October 21st, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Best line
““I’m not so sure you-” DOB began, but it was too late, I had already typed these three asterisks.
***”
Brockway, you are the pinnacle of hilarity.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:11 am
“You wanna plunge us all into darkness here?”
“No sir,” I answered shamefully. The potential consequences of time travel truly were daunting. I had no idea it could destroy the sun itself!
————
I’m not sure if cracked videos get multiple hits if you play them again.
But I hope there’s a way rereads can be tracked.
Brockway, don’t stop.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:26 am
[...] few weeks ago I related a charming anecdote about the Cracked offices that involved thinly veiled racism, sexual assault, rampant stupidity and may or may not have [...]
October 18th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Damn, Brockway! Other articles on Cracked may be informative, but yours are just insane – insanely hilarious! I have to read this shiznit in chunks, ‘cause otherwise I’d asphyxiate from laughter! I think DOB is only borderline psychotic, but you – you have smashed the iron force-field of sanity whilst riding your laser-breathing triceratops long ago and never looked back!
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October 9th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
sick
October 8th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Hilarious stuff. You and Bucholz really keep the columns going.
October 4th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
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October 4th, 2009 at 3:16 am
been playing scribblenauts, huh, mr. wordpuncher?
great as always.
October 3rd, 2009 at 10:47 am
OH MY GOD I love you.
October 3rd, 2009 at 3:26 am
CO2 poisoning is serious, kids, but at just the right level (between (7% and 12% atmospheric concentration), it can launch some right-trippy hallucinations. Just ask your parents first.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:58 pm
That was alpha grade awesome and i applaude you, sir.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
awesome. i wish i ate vicadin for lunch every day in that cafateria.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:44 am
Thx Robort. I think, though, that the purpleness pic was more Jimi’s Haze than Prince’s Rain.
I can’t imagine how Lithium could possibly have taken 20 minutes to read that. I think she’s probably on the autism scale.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:30 am
Brockway, you have been consistently awesome since you got here.
Good work once again.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:38 am
Brokovich. Is. The. Man.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Thank you for the best 20 minutes I had all day. I can read a lot faster than that but I like to savor a good read and make it last.
On another note, I went to look up what tl;dr means and found this http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Tl%3Bdr.
October 1st, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Sixteen thumbs enthusiastically up and to the left.
October 1st, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I read the first line of this and knew it was going to be great. I was not disappointed.
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October 1st, 2009 at 6:38 am
Fucking epic. There needs to be more articles just like this ^^
October 1st, 2009 at 5:47 am
There are a disconcerting number of people shitting themselves in the comments section.
Aside from that, this was incredibly awesome - I always love when a story takes place at Cracked HQ.
October 1st, 2009 at 4:30 am
Wonderful. Loved the gas fumes part. Good ending.
Is it bad that the cafeteria food description part is close to what we get?
October 1st, 2009 at 4:02 am
[...] The Brave Tale of Maxwell the Dinosaur and Dr. Prehistoria (Cracked) [...]
October 1st, 2009 at 12:40 am
Another masterpiece!
September 30th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
These are just becoming too much for me. Unless the first few paragraphs are hilarious, I can’t continue, because I know its going to be a big time commitment. This one didn’t grab me.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
*”you LINKED genious together etc.”
September 30th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Oh, suddenly the whole conversation with the janitor makes sence… LOLOLOL! I love your articles. You linked two impossible existences together - like Schopenhauer linked together time and space to create matter - you genious together with retardation to create awesome! Your genious IS your retardation, and your retardation laughs into the faces of the crowd for being more awesome than they. HOW CAN YOU DO IT?
September 30th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
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September 30th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Brockway and DOB are the real-life Bill and Ted.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Fan-bloody-tastic hahahaha. Too many good quotes in there to pick one to comment on
September 30th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
“I wonder which one of these activates the science.” -best caption I’ve read because it reiterated what I’ve always been unknowingly thinking when I looked at a room full of machines that obviously do something scientific.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Your description of Swaim as some sort of ethereal puck-like high five thief had me dying of laughter (and kidney failure).
September 30th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
fuckin hilarious!
September 30th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I don’t know how you come up with this stuff, but don’t stop! Brilliant.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
”
“I’m not so sure you-” DOB began, but it was too late, I had already typed these three asterisks.
***”
Pure freakin genius.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
“I’m gonna bone Thomas Jefferson… in the mouth!”
That’s exactly what I’d do if I had a time machine. It’s also why time machines should never be invented. Some mouths should stay un-boned
September 30th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Holy shit, the Monarch! Now THAT’S cosplaying, right there! Adult Swim ftw!
September 30th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
This is easily the bestest thing ever ever in the history of everything.
September 30th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Hilarious! I’m going to click on your name, and read all your articles. That’s how much you rule, man, I am seriously going to read all of your articles.
*High five!* (Oh, hi Swain!)
September 30th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Your Prince joke made me shit myself. I fucking love you and your amazing stories.
Let’s get married, okay? Okay.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Dear Mr. Brockway–you are the funniest guy around!
“I’m gonna meet Thomas Jefferson…and punch him in the mouth.” had me laughing all day!
Great job.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
best. story. ever.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
*shits self in delight*
September 30th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Holy F****** random…..
September 30th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
“Professor Garcia? You mean Garcia, the janitor?”
Perhaps your journey back in time changed the present and made him a janitor.
September 30th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
funniest line:
I sopped up the remaining Vicodin sauce and whiskey with a napkin and then ate it.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Damnit Brockway, write a shitty article so I can mehfag it.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I choose a seat at the back of the bus, right between a homeless veteran and a pregnant woman. I thought about the last time I was on a bus, sitting in this exact same seat. I was on my way to boot camp. I looked hard at the vet and thought I saw the ghost of my drill sergea–
Shit-fingers! Goddammit.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
This should be turned into a mini series, Greg3 had the title “The Adventures of the Diesel-trip”. Whatever the title it would be seriously cool.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Brilliant. It may have been too long for people reading at work or with the attention span of a 4 year old on crack, but I was sad that I couldn’t read about the adventures of the diesel-trip.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
YOU ROCK DUDE! I think you and DOB are probably the funniest writers on the site. (In my, not so humble, opinion.)
September 30th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I laughed, I cried, I went to high-five Swaim….but he didn’t show up to receive it. I hope he hasn’t contracted a sever case Stabbed-by-Bucholz.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
write the fume induced story. seriously.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I’m not that big a fan of your videos, but your stories are pure gold sir.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
this sentence made me lose it:
I was now staring into the face of the grimmest… face I’d ever… faced.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Your story has taken me once more, into the awesome. Fuck Swaim, i want my high-fives interrupted by you!
September 30th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Yeah, I remember “time traveling” by inhaling “Time mist”.
Good times… good times…
September 30th, 2009 at 11:23 am
“I’m gonna bone Thomas Jefferson… in the mouth!”
The Cracked crew is probably the most lovable and interesting group of characters since Star Wars. I become erect when I think of the feature film version of Cracked. Perhaps they could remake Time Bandits, but with Brockway, Swaim and DOB instead of midgets. And just maybe, in this perfect movie, they could kill Fatawesome. Fatawesome sucks hairy balls.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Damn it! I’m in the library and all of the laughing I have been doing has attracted a lot of attention.
In fact… yep, thats the librarian - I have to go guys so seahdjhfu
df
d
sa
asd
September 30th, 2009 at 11:00 am
@Gabriel Kalaia
It’s not just you. Once you mentioned it, I saw the resemblance. Mainly, that was because I was flashing back to my Paranoia gaming days while reading this.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Mr. Brockway, I just love your stories. Although I wanted to hear more about Maxwell the Dinosaur! Tell us more about your adventures with him soon!!
September 30th, 2009 at 9:25 am
“…or a testament to the blatant violations of the building code that we live with every day.”
There were plenty of lines funnier than this one, I’m just highlighting it because it was the one that made me spit up a mouthful of sprite, ruined half my sandwich, and had me in a coughing fit for a good minute and a half. Of all the Cracked bloggers, you, Mr. Brockway, have come the closest to killing me. Kudos!
September 30th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I can’t see the inverse-cameltoe!!
September 30th, 2009 at 9:15 am
tl;dr
September 30th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Great work brockway, i laughed at pretty much all of it, especially the last Swaim part. Best article ive read!
September 30th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I enjoyed this immensely. Nice work, Brockway.
@InuGhost
I can see the pictures. It’s likely something on your end.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:44 am
[...] Dinosaur and the Sinister Dr. Prehistoria Jump to comments Posted in: Featured There’s a new column up at Cracked, regarding arch-nemeses, time travel, grizzled scientists, ninja magic, five-jackin’, phantom [...]
September 30th, 2009 at 8:41 am
A Canadian for Captain America?! Whazzup?!?!?!?! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Oh, and InuGhost… it’s just you. I’m seeing the pics fine.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:37 am
I actually gave up high-fives because of Swaim.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Is it just me, or is anyone else having trouble seeing all of the pictures in this article? For me most of the time all I’m getting are X’s.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Oh, and I also love the reaccuring Vicodan trend, because Vikes are delicious!
September 30th, 2009 at 8:06 am
You have been my favorite for @ 8 months now…this article is a perfect example of why. I rarely comment in these things, always wondering if you actually read them or not, but I felt compelled this time, and for this reason. I have never, not once, EVER, disagreed or been repelled by your works. And then you shat on Clancy…my adoration taint clinched, just a little. Now I’ll give you that Clancy has for sure fallen off over the years, but “Without Remorse”, “Rainbow Six”, “Debt of Honor”? Those, I thought anyways, were fantastic; especially the former. I do not care that we may disagree on something finally, because it’s just Cracked, I am just noting the first time in 8 months that I’ve put a negative on the board. I’d say that’s pretty fuckin good, Wordpuncher! If I was writing, getting a book out, running a site, with the virtual roots that you have, I’d be pretty happy with myself for knowing something like that. Sin of Pride is healthy. Shit away, people reading my little story, I know it feels good, enjoy yourself. Wordpunch, keep up the great work, homey, you are part of my daily routine, which, too me, is just whacky.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:02 am
You guys are all together insane.
That’s a good thing.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:54 am
I feel like I’ve been mind-raped. And I like it.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:50 am
that was awesome
September 30th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Borckaway tells the best ’stories’. I like the Vicodin trend I’ve been seeing lately. Keep up the good work.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Personally I thought that was funny as f*uck. Good work
September 30th, 2009 at 7:14 am
“ON THE FIRST DAY YOU EITHER KILL A DUDE, OR BECOME SOMEBODY’S BITCH!”
Wait… is that what happened to Wolinsky?
September 30th, 2009 at 6:56 am
You try to hard and fail
September 30th, 2009 at 6:42 am
Funniest thing I’ve read all week. That was pretty epic.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:22 am
First funny storyarticle I’ve read on this site.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:17 am
That opening bit really sounded like the cafeteria scene in 1984. Anyone else get that vibe, or am I just being a pretentious fucktard?
September 30th, 2009 at 5:58 am
I always love the articles that are the exploits of the Cracked bloggers the best. Great job, Brockway! Thanks for sharing all the science with us.
September 30th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Brocway, you are the greatest man alive
September 30th, 2009 at 5:35 am
I had the same thought about the mace. Loved the article. The hijinks of staff in the office is always an entertaining read.
Now to google the recipe for buttered vicodin.
September 30th, 2009 at 5:30 am
I have to admit, when I first read, “I didn’t set my mace down the entire time…” I thought he meant an actual flanged, medieval weapon.
It must say, it made for a funnier mental image.
September 30th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Oh Brockway, you little rascal! When will you ever learn?
I like your lunch, and that you sopped the remainder up with a napkin to finish it off. Growing boys have to clean their plate, they need all those yummy chemicals so they can be big and strong!
September 30th, 2009 at 5:10 am
This was - eeeeehm, how can I put this - this was grand. Great. Huge. I don’t find the words.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Brockway was hilarious this day!
September 30th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Dammit Brockway! How the hell do you manage to write the funniest shit on the web?! Nice work!
September 30th, 2009 at 4:39 am
*girls can’t*
anons can’t type either.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:38 am
glorious.
i don’t believe it though. it has to be made up. girl’s cant really talk.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:32 am
Why are there no female cracked columnists. For once I want to jerk off to an article without feeling ashamed after it.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Two thumbs up!
September 30th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Not first?! Wow, my whole day is ruined.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:27 am
First! Yes!
September 30th, 2009 at 4:24 am
As always, awesome
September 30th, 2009 at 4:17 am
This was epic on all counts.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:13 am
haha had me at “No, I know! She made words at me like a real person. That means we had sex, right?”