Jimothan Taylor reached for the best costume in the store with such haste that you could tell he really wanted it quickly. Someone, however, clearly wanted it quicker than Jimothan, because not only was there a person hastier in grabbing the best costume in the store, but there was also-No, that’s it, actually. There was a person hastier in grabbing the best costume in the store. Jimothan was quite distraught as the hastier person bought the aforementioned hands-down best costume in the store and left.
Jimothan sighed, his arms wafting about as if to say “If only we could sigh, but sadly we are just arms.” Yes, it was the kind of sigh that a stranger might speak up about, were they so inclined.
“Something the matter, guy?” a nearby stranger felt inclined to say.
“Something the matter, guy?” the nearby stranger asked.
“Oh, no, nothing,” breathed Jimothan.
The nearby stranger had little to think about that day, so he pressed further.
“That sigh certainly wasn’t no nothin’ kinda sigh there, boy,” pressed the nearby stranger. “What’s the problem-o?”
“I sighed because someone else got the best costume in the store,” Jimothan sighed again. “I really needed that.”
“Yeah, I’ve been eyeing that costume for months, myself,” said the nearby stranger, standing nearby. “It certainly was the best costume I ever seen.”
The two stood there a moment, lamenting the fact that neither of them had gotten their hands on the best costume in the store. Minutes later, the stranger spoke up.
“Why are you so glum, though?” he asked Jimothan. “You can just get another costume.”
Jimothan scowled. “How am I going to find a costume in time for my party tonight?”
“Why you havin’ a Halloween party on Arbor Day?” the stranger asked.
“What do you mean?” asked a shocked Jimothan, all shocked and stuff.
“It ain’t Halloween, kiddo,” the nearby stranger explained. “It’s Arbor Day.”
This was too much for Jimothan, who immediately believed the nearby stranger. It was so too much for Jimothan, in fact, that he screamed quite suddenly and ran out of the store. The now faraway stranger shook his head and went back to his business, which is of no concern to you, nor is it any of your business.
The parking lot outside of the costume store was full of zombies, which was a mainstay of this particular town’s Arbor Day celebration. Jimothan was baffled six ways from “I’m baffled,” because Halloween was a zombie-free holiday in this particular town, and Jimothan could have sworn this was Halloween. The current zombie frenzy begged to differ, but beggars can’t be choosers and the zombies certainly didn’t choose to be in a frenzy, so maybe we should all just settle down and forget about the zombies for a second.
The particular town Jimothan was in was called New York City, and it was a mere shadow of the New York City you’re probably thinking of (New York City, Ottawa). This New York City had but one main road with a gas station and a costume shop. The local school was run by the students, and the local students couldn’t care less about running a school so, no, there was no school to speak of.
New York City didn’t quite care for the theatrics of Halloween, nor was it fond of its ne’er-do-well attitude. Halloween was tolerated in this particular town, and by God if this didn’t seem like the craziest zombie frenzy this town had ever seen (certainly not the kind of celebration one would see during Halloween).
“What the zombie?” exclaimed Jimothan in the manner one might exclaim “What the hell?”
This certainly was the time for exclamation, but not so much that we need to spend anymore time here. Jimothan made his way through the zombies and arrived home.
“How is your Arbor Day going, sweetie?” asked Jimothan’s mother, Jimmifer.
“Horrible,” Jimothan muttered. “I think it’s Halloween for some reason.”
“Well, it’s not Halloween, dear,” Jimmifer explained. “It’s Arbor Day.”
“If it’s so much Arbor Day, then why aren’t we going to the Frankenstein Feast? If it were Arbor Day, we’d be enjoying some delicious Frankenstein right now!”
“But, honey,” Jimmifer began to say as she also began to put on her coat. “We are leaving for the Frankenstein Feast right now. Put on your coat, or you’ll catch cold. You don’t want the Ice Pumpkin to come and take your health for the season.”
“Mother,” Jimothan began to say as he also began to put on his coat. “I’m old enough to not believe in the Ice Pumpkin. That’s just an Arbor Day myth.”
“Nevertheless,” Jimmifer opened the door. “We must not rely on the Vampire Campfire for warmth this year. Rumor has it a lot of the vampires are on strike.”
“Mother, they’re on strike every Arbor Day.”
“Did you see the zombies, dear?”
“Yes, mother.”
“It’s Arbor Day, sweetie.”
“I think it’s Halloween.”
“Nope. Arbor Day.”
Jimothan looked up and realized that Halloween wasn’t Arbor Day at all. It was Halloween. That stranger from earlier was crazy and everything else was a dream or something.
The End
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November 15th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Hey Megan, u notice how the thumbs up guy has D.O.B. subliminally slipped in there? I like it!!! d(^O^)b
November 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
oops (I meant “good jokes, yo.”)
November 15th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
put your balls in MY MOUTH
November 12th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Random =/= Funny
November 11th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Ya know,
I don’t know if you read these comments or if, conversely you don’t read these comments. However, I am sure it is one of those two.
I get it. You started writing a story and went with it and everytime you noticed a sentence that didn’t make sense you took advantage of it. Maybe you made it a theme.
Jimothan sighed, his arms wafting about as if to say >>WAIT! That would be his arms talking! Perfect! Comedic gem.
So, starting with “Jimothan”, a name so remarkably ODD - “Is it JIM, is it Jonathon? No, it’s *DAMNED* clever! What a ‘goofy, wacky’ name”, you kept going looking for forced joke after forced joke, none of which were terribly inspired.
Now at this point you’re probably thinking I’m just your average bitter παραληρών όρχις but honestly, δεν ήταν αυτό αστείο!
This is my thing, Cody - (Can I call you Cody?) I like Cracked. I brag to my Russian friends that some of the stuff done on this site are cutting edge comedy. (i.e. SNL can go назад к каменному век)
And so, I peruse through the stuff that’s submitted and I think, ‘eh - w’eva - amateur’. When I get to the columnists I’m expecting this decade’s version of Groucho Marx and SJ Perelman.
So, I ask you, with that kind of possible comedic influence, did you *really* *honestly* read this through and wonder if it made you laugh out loud enough? Funny enough? Because it just seemed you banged some nonsense off and noticed a few passable funny bits.
One last thing (Honestly, I’d be asking, who the 자주색 물고기!! is this guy in your shoes, but hey…)
Read this - it’s an example of what you were trying to do, written by the greatest Canadian Humourist (not Bucholz, at least yet)
http://www.online-literature.com/stephen-leacock/nonsense-novels/5/
November 10th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Heh heh…that was pretty awesome. d(^O^)b
November 9th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
this is just shit.
Plain and simple
November 8th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Have you people seriously not realised that he is writing badly on purpose yet?
Stop saying “uhhh this is badly written”, that’s the point. It’s satire.
November 8th, 2009 at 12:05 am
“Something the matter, guy?” a nearby stranger felt inclined to say.
“Something the matter, guy?” the nearby stranger asked.
i laughed pretty hard at that, good stuff man.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
I’m so confused!!
November 7th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
So . . . I dunno if you actually read the comments or not Mr. Cody, but just in case you do. . . I genuinely like your articles.
November 7th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
“if only we could sigh, but sadly we are just arms”.
I swear, that’s most likely what anyone’s arms would say, given the person they are attached to would let out a sigh.
I’m glad they let you write articles for I enjoy reading them.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I’m with you, Cody. That was awesome. Keep it up.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Cool story, bro!
November 7th, 2009 at 8:46 am
That was pretty awesome
November 5th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Yup.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Really random, really funny. Keep it up Cody!
November 4th, 2009 at 10:23 am
I personally thought that this was great. A good deal of wit was displayed, as well of a Milton-Jones-esque turn of phrase of which I am very fond.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:42 pm
The King Clown Gooma applauds your insanity and is very moved by it. It reminds the King of the good old days when peasants came wrappped in tasty cotton and nobody questions the word of goomba…
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:34 pm
God frickin’ dammit. It’s gotten so I read the comments section before I plod through the latest installment of Cody’s dreck. Cracked is paying Cody to get us all to sound off with wit and intelligence for free. Good scam, beetches. Good scam.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Take my word, as someone who’s gotten pissed off by something and stopped patronizing it quite a few times, you never announce it. So anyone who comments “I’m done with you” is totally not done with you.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Nice job Cody! Very Bizarre. I always enjoy your work!
http://www.sellbits.com - “The Simple Way To Sell”
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:59 am
Kingdomofloathing did that same cross-holiday joke a LOT funnier.
Just sayin’.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:47 pm
That was amazing.
Odd.
But amazing.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:57 pm
I’m rootin’ for ya, Cody. Don’t listen to these douchebags - they won’t like it if it doesn’t have “The [6/7/8] Most ____iest Things Ever [insert witty afterthought here]” in the title. I used to be a fan of the list articles, but not so much anymore. Your style is a nice change-up. Kudos to you.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:52 pm
i get it.
it gave me a tiny chuckle when i realised what you were doing but i didn’t feel like reading any further.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:16 pm
what the fuck
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:53 pm
WTF! That was weird. Not fun weird, or interesting weird, just WTF weird.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
WTF! That was weird. Not fun weird, just WTF weird.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Nice shit, Cody. Keep it up.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
I really liked this. I agree with Demmagog that it breaks cliches of narration, and that is exactly what needs to be done.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:28 pm
much of his writing reminds me of douglas adams, but he does put his own spin on that kind of style. i am still getting used to him
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:38 am
Not bad, Cody. Not bad at all.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:22 am
I don’t know if I’d say it’s calculated “bad” writing so much as calculated *weird* writing. It breaks the cliches of narration at every turn.
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:50 am
@Ian
Are you sure that’s what he’s trying to do? I don’t know what angle he is working, I just know that I like most of his stuff.
Whatever you are going for Cody, keep up the decent to awesome work!
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 am
I kind of get the point, the writing style is almost funny, but it’s just too stilted. It doesn’t flow, it’s a bit difficult to read and you seem to have a big issue with endings.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:10 am
I love the way you write. It’s hilarious.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:59 am
I got a couple chuckles out of it. I think Cody’s humor is an acquired taste.
“The now faraway stranger shook his head and went back to his business, which is of no concern to you, nor is it any of your business.”
I like how the narrator informs the reader that what’s going on in the story isn’t any of their business.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:59 am
“Something the matter, guy?” a nearby stranger felt inclined to say.
“Something the matter, guy?” the nearby stranger asked.
Ahaha, I actually laughed out loud.. Just so random XD
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:33 am
Don’t want to be a hater, and I have laughed at some of your stuff, but I just don’t get this one.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:33 pm
I think I’m starting to understand how you write. I’ve never particularly DISLIKED anything you wrote, I just didn’t fucking understand it. XD It’s definitely starting to make a little more sense now. Just make sure the subject matter stays interesting, I loved this one, the mansion article you did recently written in a similar style dragged on a bit too much for my liking.
Long as the material stays fresh I don’t think I’m gonna get tired of your stuff. Keep it up.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Oh, and I think a lot of the negative comments or the “I could write this” comments stem from the fact that people don’t understand the difference between calculated, hilarious, intentionally bad writing, as this is, and just plain bad writing, which is what they’d do.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Every single one of these is awesome. This one is particularly awesome.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:18 pm
You know, at first I thought you sucked, dude. Your first stuff made absolutely no sense to me. However, ever since I read the article about the haunted mansion party, I’ve started liking your stuff. This one’s not the best, but I got a couple of chuckles out of it. Keep it up!
November 1st, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Very funny. I love your shit, keep it up.
November 1st, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Pardon me, the sentence was “I will not defy readers’ expectations.”
November 1st, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Dude, I’m sorry, I’ve tried to be tolerant and open minded about your work. I know that art takes on many forms and is in the eye of the beholder, blah, blah, blah.
But man? You fucking suck. Your work is not funny. Some people seem to think it’s funny, but I imagine those are the people who also enjoy things like The Lonely Island and Paris Hilton’s My New Best Friend.
The only entertainment I’ve gotten (remotely) from you has been in Gladstone’s recent article “The Trials of Gladstone (As Told By Franz Kafka) in which you are strapped to a steel table and have the sentence “I will not disappoint fan’s expectations” carved into your back multiple times by a razor. That little blub made me laugh harder than all your work put together.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Jesus, this is bad. It’s like -I- wrote it or something.
Either fire him or hire me.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I’m finally starting to see your pattern of humor in your stuff and quite honestly, I am really beginning to enjoy it. Your prose is good. It takes a different kind of talent to be so creatively redundant and yet still be descriptive. I’m looking forward to reading more of your stuff. Great job!
November 1st, 2009 at 2:25 pm
The only good thing I ever saw from you were those game tutorial videos. Everything else sucked.
November 1st, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Sorry Cody, this was your last chance. I’m never reading your crap again dude. I don’t know where Cracked found you, or why they kept you … but you haven’t written anything worth a shit since you got here. I’m not sure who the dipshits are that suddenly showed up and started saying you were ok a few installments ago, but I’m not buying it. I’m starting to suspect they’re related to you, or something. That’s the only possible explanation. Your first few articles were unanimously panned and ridiculed, and nothing has changed in your writing, style, subject matter … Nothing, so that must be it. Some day your cousins will get tired of writing kudos for you, and then where will you be? C’mon man, pick a new way to express yourself … stop the pain Cody. Stop the pain.
Maybe enterperative dance is more your style?
November 1st, 2009 at 1:42 pm
You’ve become second only to Seanbaby. Although I don’t see how a normal human could output comedy at the frequency you do, keep it up.
November 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pm
its actually not that bad. I wont call Cody laugh out loud hilarious, but his articles are interesting to read and subtle. If you actually pay attention and are not just reading for a quick laugh, his articles are pretty good. I’m not calling you a Bucholz or Swaim, but not bad Cody, not bad at all
November 1st, 2009 at 10:23 am
Cody, your stuff is super radacious. Keep it up.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:25 am
That was crazy, I loved it.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:21 am
you’re turd
go home
Call me a troll or whatever, but You’re just not up to standard wiht your writing
November 1st, 2009 at 8:00 am
fuck these guys, that was hilarious. “whats the problem-o” is now my new catch phrase
November 1st, 2009 at 7:29 am
Yeah, Cody, I see where some people may think this would be funny, but it honestly just seemed like you started typing, got bored, and decided to play the lame middle and ending off like it was your “style”. Half-assed job, really.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:10 am
This was possibly the worst writing I’ve seen on cracked, I can’t believe I read it all. You have truly mastered the art of hilariously bad writing, congratulations.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:28 am
No. Just no. And yes I realize I have turned into Doctor Chaos, the irony is not lost on me. But, never the less, vast yawning chasms filled with swathes of no.
October 31st, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Jimothan looked up and realized that Halloween wasn’t Arbor Day at all. It was Halloween. That stranger from earlier was crazy and everything else was a dream or something.
The End……
hahahaha nice ending
October 31st, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Clearly, Jimothan is insane and everyone’s playing along with his delusions. But what he doesn’t realize is that he’s the reincarnation of Jesus and the parties and candy of Halloween are his temptations. The hasty person of course is D.O.B (the Antichrist) and the stranger is Satan, tempting Jesusothan and feeding him lies.
It was Halloween all along.
October 31st, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Clearly, Jimothan is insane and everyone’s playing along with his delusions. But what he doesn’t realize is that he’s the reincarnation of Jesus and the parties and candy of Halloween are his temptations.
October 31st, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Dude, WFT! (Wangtacularly Freakin’ ‘Tardulous)
October 31st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
“What the zombie?”
Indeed, what the zombie?!
October 31st, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Amazing. Bravo, sir.