This past week, shockwaves were sent across the Internet when images appeared on a handful of websites depicting the KFC Double Down Sandwich. The images showed a “sandwich” where the bread had been replaced with two fried chicken fillets. The ads also boasted that the sandwich contained something called “Colonel’s Sauce.” Since then commentators have been angrily shaking their fists at the sky, cursing the god that would allow such an affront to decency to exist.
As the Internet’s preeminent voice on fried meals, Cracked.com obviously had to find out what this sandwich was all about. And as Cracked’s foremost “columnist with no outstanding warrants,” I was the only one capable of crossing state lines to do this–a necessary step, as the Double Down Sandwich is only available in select test markets. When it became clear I’d have to travel to land this scoop, and after Cracked Editor-in-Chief Jack O’Brien agreed to pay absolutely none of my expenses, I decided I might as well go full bore, and visit KFC’s corporate headquarters in Kentucky: The so called “Sleeping In Your Car State.”
When I arrived at KFC Headquarters, I showed them my business card and several back issues of Cracked magazine, and then explained what exactly Cracked magazine was, and then maybe lied a bit to make us sound more influential in the poultry industry. My bona fides established, I was granted an interview with Senior Vice President of Product Development Frank Bryant. A cheerful receptionist ushered me into a meeting room where I was told to wait for Mr. Bryant. While cooling my heels, I admired several paintings depicting chickens dressed in business attire and sitting around in office settings; making phone calls, taking stenography, that sort of thing. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Bryant entered the room and introduced himself, insisting I call him Frank. Standing by the window overlooking the KFC campus, I launched into my list of questions.
“What is the deal with the Double Down Sandwich?” I asked, shooting my wad immediately.
Frank laughed. “I thought you’d ask about that. I’ll be happy to tell you.” A strange look came over his eyes then, like a great weight had just settled upon him. “I can also arrange a tasting for you, if you wish?” I indicated I’d appreciate that, and he made a quick phone call. Hanging up the phone, he turned to me, took a breath and began speaking.
“A couple years ago, KFC Corporation was in really bad shape. Growth had stalled, and even reversed in some markets. Some restaurant sales were way down. We were getting hammered in the press, especially on health issues. And on the flip side of the coin, we were getting squeezed by competitors offering triple stacked burgers with two types of bacon, cheese flavored mayonnaise and so forth. So we were starting to lose the ‘Experienced Eater’ market as well.”
I started dutifully writing all of that down, but soon discovered I couldn’t write that fast. I angled my notebook away from him and faked it. In fact a lot of what he said in the previous paragraph is completely made up. Sorry.
He continued. “It was around this time that we were coming up with some of our worst ideas.”
I nodded. “You’re talking about the Famous Bowl.”
“Yes, the Famous Bowl.” He shook his head and stared at his feet. I gritted my teeth, then stepped forward, slapping him as hard as I could. I think I left my feet.
His head recoiled from my blow, and he stumbled backwards, knocked off balance. He rubbed his jaw, staring at me while he regained his composure. “Thank you,” he finally said.
After a moment’s pause, Frank continued his story. “After a while, a new vice president, recently transferred from our European division, offered an unusual solution. His name was Mannheim Fritzpain, and he observed that for the past 20 years KFC had been chasing trends instead of setting them. Sometimes this strategy worked, sometimes it didn’t; but it always meant we would be behind the curve. Fritzpain observed that the only time in our company’s history when we were groundbreaking was in the early years, after the Colonel perfected his original recipe. Back then, no one had ever seen anything like it. We changed the world.”
“So this guy suggested a new groundbreaking direction for the company? Like the Double Down Sandwich?”
“No, he suggested reanimating the corpse of Colonel Sanders.”
A rush of blood to my head. A buzzing sound in my ears. I felt dizzy.
“Our European division has a weird history. Lot’s of….” he waved his hands around searchingly, “…former Nazi scientists. For lack of a better word.” He leaned back and adjusted himself in his seat. “Feel free to report that incidentally, no one will believe you.”
I reminded him about the exacting standards of journalistic excellence Cracked was known for in the poultry industry, but he waved his hand as if swatting the issue away. He continued his story.
“Anyways, once the board voted on it, Doktor Fritzpain moved with remarkable speed.”
“He’s a doctor?”
“You know, I’m not exactly sure. That’s just what everyone called him. He was always wearing one of those reflector things on his head.”
I scribbled this down furiously.
Frank was kind enough to supply a photograph of Mannheim Fritzpain. He noted that this isn’t in black and white. That was his actual skin color.
“Anyways, the Colonel’s body was disinterred from its vault a couple days later, and then we just had to sit around waiting for the next thunderstorm. Then Hey Presto, there’s the Colonel again.”
“And how was he? How did he, uh, enjoy the experience?”
“Well, he was completely insane unfortunately. I mean even before he died, he was always a little…” Frank held his hand out and twitched it back and forth a little. “But it was definitely worse after. Just screeching and spitting and biting at anything that moved. Doktor Fritzpain had to keep him chained down and feed him Famous Bowls through a funnel.”
My shoulder flinched, as I instinctively made to slap him again. I caught it in time though, and steadied myself on the table. Frank watched all this impassively.
“A couple days later, the current CEO goes down to see this monstrosity.”
I nodded, beckoning him to continue.
“The Colonel,” he said before pausing. He swallowed. “The Colonel broke his chains. Killed the CEO and ripped the Doktor to shreds.”
“Jesus,” I shuddered. What a cliché. That’s fucking terrible. “What happened next?”
“Well,” Frank said, his tone suddenly meek. “According to Kentucky law, if you kill an executive of a company in one on one combat, you immediately take on his role and responsibilities.”
I shook my head in amazement. Those backward hillbillies.
Pictured: The Louisville Chamber of Commerce
Frank continued. “So now this abomination of God’s Will is in full control of the company! He immediately focuses his attention on Research & Development.”
“So it was the Colonel who pushed the creation of the Double Down Sandwich?” I asked, trying to pin Frank down.
Frank nodded. “He’s got chicken madness. No concept of chicken proportions. Everything has to contain more chicken, across the board. Chicken soft drinks. Chicken napkins. Stuff that doesn’t even make sense. Chicken athletic apparel. Chicken vowels.”
Frank’s expression changed. He looked scared and bewildered, lost in some terrible memory. I felt sorry for him. He shook his head, clearing his expression and then glanced at his watch. “If you’ll come with me, I have something to show you.” He gestured to a door. I acquiesced and followed him out of the room.
As we walked down the completely unremarkable looking corridors of KFC’s corporate headquarters, I found it hard to believe this was the site of blood-steeped rituals of unrelenting darkness. Well. Harder to believe. I asked: “So with his chicken madness, he must eat nothing but chicken then?”
“That’s what’s so crazy! He can’t stomach it! He’s tried. He’s tried a thousand times, but the only thing which slates his hunger now is human flesh.”
I bit my lip. “And is that a normal Kentucky thing, or is that new?”
“No, no. It’s new. And it’s not cool.”
I exhaled in relief.
“For the first few months he subsisted on the dessicated corpses of Doktor Fritzpain and our former CEO. Then a month ago he killed our Operations Manager when he protested about the new uniforms his people had to wear.”
“Chicken suits?” I guessed.
Frank shook his head. “No. Well, yes. If by chicken suit you mean a jumpsuit with dozens of pieces of chicken taped to it.”
I shook my head. That wasn’t what I meant by chicken suit.
We continued walking in silence. I got the impression Frank was leading me towards the research labs. “Frank, I do have one question. Why are you telling me all this?”
Frank looked me in the eye without saying anything. He opened a door, indicating for me to enter. It was a lab area. Spotless work benches. Stools. He gestured for me to take a seat. Finally he looked at me, a burning intensity in his eyes. “He’s changing the recipes. In some… pretty fundamental ways.”
“I don’t understand.”
Frank’s face fell. He looked utterly defeated. “You will. For now, though, I only ask one thing: Tell my story. Tell the world my story.”
Hesitation. “OK,” I finally said. “If I can get it under a thousand words,” I added quietly, trying not to move my lips.
He nodded. “Wait here.” He walked to the other side of the lab and through a pair of swinging double doors. On the other side I could see what looked like an industrial kitchen.
Speakers set into the ceiling began piping in music. The volume increased steadily. I didn’t recognize the song. It was some guy rapping, comparing eating fried chicken to having sex. It was pretty awful. I swore I actually heard someone screaming in the backing vocals at one point, but that was probably just my brain expressing its distaste for the music.
Eventually the music was shut off. A young woman in an apron came out of the kitchen holding a platter. On it sat a Double Down sandwich. She set it down in front of me and looked at me expectantly.
___
In the end, I found the KFC Double Down sandwich to be crisp, mildly tangy, a little messy and a harbinger of a blood soaked world of unrelenting pain. I give it two stars.
**
_____
This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Kentucky Fried Chicken. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 30th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
[...] But now we have Coronel Sander’s pride and joy not only flicking off the Food Cops, they’re also flicking off an important part of the sandwich, the fucking bun! [...]
October 10th, 2009 at 6:40 am
7-Eleven To Sell Cars?
“Oh Thank Heaven for 7-Eleven.” That’s what one of the auto industry’s manufacturers could be saying in the near future.
It’s true. 7-Eleven is toying with the idea of selling cars at its convenience store locations. And, why not? Many locations have the space, the auto market is improving and dealerships are closing up faster than Joe C. Thompson could stock bread and milk at the old Southland Ice Company. (Joe started the whole convenience store thing back in 1927. His SIC became The Southland Corporation in the 1930’s and changed to 7-Eleven, Inc. in 1999.)
This is one of those ideas that just might work. GM is closing 2300 (about 39%) of their dealerships and Chrysler is closing 789 (about 25%) of theirs. For 7-Eleven to join in makes sense. The ubiquitous convenience store retailer can fill in a lot of the gaps left by those dealership closures. (The reduction in overhead costs will also play a role in the decision.)
And what about the Japanese? Perhaps Toyota or Honda could be the car maker of choice for 7-Eleven dealerships. Believe it or not, Japan has more 7-Eleven outlets than anywhere else in the world. And, a Japanese company, Seven & I Holdings Co., became the parent company of 7-Eleven in November, 2005. They run it as a wholly-owned subsidiary.
Sources close to the discussions indicated that only the U.S. market is being studied. Expansion to other markets could happen if the U.S. tests come back positive.
Joseph M. DePinto, President and CEO of 7-Eleven, Inc. is said to have given his blessing to exploring this diverse business move.
Calls made to 7-Eleven, GM, Chrysler, Honda and Toyota were not returned.
There are more than 36 300 7-Eleven outlets worldwide; 5 800 in the U.S. and 12 300 in Japan. The opportunity exists, but does the risk outweigh any potential gains that could bloom from this venture? Let’s wait and see.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:25 am
It is actually called the KFC Double Down Burger and it looks incredible. I am such a chicken fan and deep-fried fillets (the healthiest cut) are my favorite. I am contemplating (considering, to all you dummies out there) driving 5 hours to get one. But, I will probably just wait until they are sold in my city (or nearby). To those out there who feel it is a bad idea to bring out such a product when America is so fat, let people eat what they want. I’ll drink a glass of milk with mine, if it will shut you up.
And why is everyone complaining that the chicken is the bun? KFC is concerned about our collective health and decided to do away with the bread. Thanks, KFC.
And what about the guy/gal who eats a 3-piece meal? Or has a bucket for dinner with the family and eats 4 pieces, fries, gravy, coleslaw, pop and a piece of cake?
October 7th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
(sorry for double post)
Actually, I think I love you. Will you marry me? *pulls out ring*
October 7th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Hahahaha I have no idea how you think of this stuff. Write a book, I’d buy ten copies just for the hell of it.
October 7th, 2009 at 11:10 am
This article is win. Seriously, I love all your articles :).
October 6th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
tl;dr
October 3rd, 2009 at 9:20 am
I love the famous bowl. but with just the potatoes, corn, and chicken. the cheese is weird and the gravy makes the chicken soggy.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:54 am
You sir, are a God among men. True story.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:15 am
In soviet Russia, Tall Partner finds you!
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I wear those chicken jumpsuits to work. Every Casually Deep Fried Friday.
September 20th, 2009 at 6:25 am
I’m so ashamed to admit this but… I actually… enjoy the famous bowl. *cries*
September 15th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
I lawl’d at the part about slapping him.
this whole thing was funny!
September 14th, 2009 at 6:44 am
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September 14th, 2009 at 5:16 am
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September 12th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
this is probably the funniest shit ive ever read! the part about the famous bowls and smacking that dude is the best part! i “lol’ed” haha no but seriously
September 10th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Finally a food review that speaks to the common man. I’ll have two, and a cup of chicken to wash it down. Is there a meal choice perhaps that comes with some chicken fries?
September 9th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
@ShaggE
Are you kidding? I am european … and I want this thing! NOW!
September 6th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Hilarious. This is my new favorite Cracked article. (Even though my stomach lurches at the sight of that “sandwich”. No wonder so many Europeans think we’re all tubs o’ lard.)
September 6th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
oh.. those chicken suits. not suits made of chicken skin…..of course.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:29 am
So, that was pretty much the best review ever. Seriously, um, you rock socks.
September 6th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Amazing article. I wish I could write this fucking creatively.
September 4th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
That was absolutely brilliant.
You’re still crazy to have eaten at KFC, though.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
[...] Review of KFC’s Terrifying New Double Down Sandwich VN:F [1.6.4_902]please wait…Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)tweetmeme_url = ‘http://www.bestoftheinterwebs.com/?p=156′;tweetmeme_source = ‘overburnz@bestoftheinterwebs.com’;tweetmeme_style = ‘compact’;Related Posts:No Related Posts Posted on Friday, September 4th, 2009 Filed under:Articles. Tags:double downheart attackkfc SubscribeFollow responses trough RSS 2.0 feed. Trackback this entry from your own site. blog comments powered by Disqus var disqus_url = ‘http://www.bestoftheinterwebs.com/?p=156 ‘; var disqus_container_id = ‘disqus_thread’; var facebookXdReceiverPath = ‘http://www.bestoftheinterwebs.com/wp-content/plugins/disqus-comment-system/xd_receiver.htm’; var DsqLocal = { ‘trackbacks’: [ ], ‘trackback_url’: ‘http://www.bestoftheinterwebs.com/wp-trackback.php?p=156′ }; [...]
September 4th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Just looking at that image makes me drool with delight.
September 4th, 2009 at 7:30 am
They should have Jared from Subway in the commercials able to once again fit into his fat pants.
September 4th, 2009 at 3:17 am
I hate to see what McDonald’s is gonna do in retaliation.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:36 am
I love your stories. I love you.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Excellent work Bucholz. Here in the NC miasmatic swamps we have two (to my knowledge) competing sandwiches of death. In Forsyth county’s Tom&Jerry’s a whole fried chicken breast fillet is wrapped lovingly in ham… they call it the “Cham”. In Wake county’s Charr-Burger they serve a full pound of hamburger between buns … called the “Original Charr-Burger”. As a scientist (bs in riskology, ma in fried-foods, and phd in orthogonal-schizoid-left-handed-munkeyshine) i claim to be the only survivor of a secret MKULTRA funded attempt to eat both afore mentioned deadly tarheel sandwiches… within a single day! Twenty six innocent freshman volunteers died or went mad in their attempts. Seven of my lab colleges are still missing after their encounters with binge meating (presumed to have teleported via testicular-time-twisting lipidification to nazi bunkers in Antarctica). This brings me to my purpose in writing…… arrrrrrrgh!!! … beware the bride of kfc….
<>
September 3rd, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Famous bowls are fucking delicious
September 3rd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
That was amazing.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Double Down is people! PEOPLE!
Whatever, I just go to IN n Out. They will serve you an 8×8 if you ask for it right.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
*Applause
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Here in Aus we had a quadruple stacker hamburger at Hungry Jacks (our version of Burger King) It caused so much issue with the health authorities here that it was taken away as well. Its a shame that just becuase some fat kids can’t keep their hands out of the cookie jar that the rest of us have to go without a sandwich that replaces bread with glorious deep fried chicken breast. A travesty.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:00 am
Oh sweet lord in heaven, I want to eat this sandwich of tasty goodness. Here’s the latest estimates of its nutritional info:
Calories: 590
Calories from fat: 280
Total fat: 31g
Saturated fat: 10g
Trans fat: 0g
Cholesterol: 190mg
(source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/24/kfcs-double-down-sandwich_n_266848.html)
With stats like these, it sounds like heaven to the taste buds. The only way they could make this thing better is if they provided Ranch to dip it in before each bite.
September 3rd, 2009 at 7:45 am
wow i want one
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:16 am
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September 3rd, 2009 at 2:46 am
The double down sandwich is people too…
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:24 am
what the shit, bulchoz? you ate goddamn frank?
and you claim to be the normal one…tsk, tsk, next you’ll be eating DOB and Swaim, and we’ll have to burn you at the stake…
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:01 pm
The famous bowls are specially tailored to the demographic of “people that stir thanksgiving dinner together before they eat it”. I’m one of those, so I don’t mind ‘em.
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
I actually rather enjoy the famous bowls…
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:30 pm
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September 2nd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I love comments from people like Kindahuge, who think people are going to read another 34 words in a comment about another comment. The fact that you not only read my comment and wanted to comment back about it is flattering. I am indeed not a cracked writer (but thanks for all the research!). I did however enjoy the article and thought that I would add a little of my own flavor. Im so glad that you enjoyed it!
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@ Papachabre: Three? You mean per patty, right?
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Its the unwhich here in omaha and its delicious (for heart disease)
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:12 am
John: Ah, Okay that makes sense.
Also you managed to make my day by knowing what I was talking about.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:32 am
That is not dead, which can eternal lie, and in strange eons, even chicken may fry…
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:16 am
I like the Chicken Bowls. I do have issues with the cleanliness of my nearest KFC though. They must have learned from head office how to be disgusting.
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:24 am
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September 2nd, 2009 at 6:21 am
[...] seriously as confused as when I heard about the “Double Down.” I was sure that was a joke, but it’s not. It is very, very [...]
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:19 am
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September 2nd, 2009 at 4:04 am
omg i tryed googling famouse bowls (from the u.k) and
if i ever go to america i will stay far away from kfc!! famouse bowls look like someone ate something and then threw up and then someone ate the sick and threw up in a bowl the sent it to kfc to be given to people.
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:35 am
I just googled the famous bowl (I’m also from UK). What the fuck. That is fucking nasty.
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:24 am
I’ve got a better idea for a sandwich: Two quarter-pound beef patties are used as buns to enclose a fried chicken patty, cheese and bacon. BAM! Three animals killed for one delicious sandwich.
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:03 am
i have never heard of famouse bowls or double down sandwich.. must not have got to nottinghamshire (england) yet…. but still a funny article
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:01 am
funny article!
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:41 am
Couldn’t finish reading half this shit.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:22 am
Leon: Stroheim is Austrian, which is closer to German than Clive or Frye. Presumably he wanted to be ethnically accurate.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:13 am
Ok, so… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/24/kfcs-double-down-sandwich_n_266848.html. Go there and read what they’re talking about. Most of them are so against obese people they automatically assume this is the most fattening sandwich ever invented. Ever. In the history of man. Meanwhile, a few bright bulbs go “Hey, so…this wouldn’t be news if the two meat patties were surrounded by buns.” Indeed. Honestly, this doesn’t sound that bad. A little messy, maybe. I actually work at a KFC (not one of the test market ones), and I could easily see these selling well at my store :P. Even…TO SKINNY PEOPLE! :O
September 1st, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Holy shit! That’s Erich Von Stroheim, he acted with Dwight Frye!
*nerdgasms*
Really though Bucholz, you had an entire article about reanimation without any Lovecraft references. Also interesting choice of Stroheim over Colin Clive or Dwight Frye.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:26 pm
I live in Louisville, and yeah, human flesh is actually a pretty popular taste here. Y’all should’ve seen the Zombie Walk last Saturday. (also i love those Famous Bowls. The only downside to KFC is that they close too damn early in the evening.)
September 1st, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Boring.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Ha! I ate this and reviewed it on my website.
http://www.foodette-reviews.blogspot.com
Honestly, it wasn’t so bad.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Here in Canada, we called “famous bowls” “chicken bowls”. And they were fucking awesome.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:58 pm
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1831349
September 1st, 2009 at 7:56 pm
THE CHICKEN IS A LIE.
D:<
September 1st, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Here to defend the famous bowls. Those crimes against nature taste fuckin delicious.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Wanna eat dat sammitch
September 1st, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Wait the chicken and sex song is real? Are you kidding me?
Am I slightly racist if it doesn’t surprise me that a black guy made a song about sex and chicken?
Yeah I guess it does. DAMMIT
September 1st, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Man, now I want one. A double down and some goat blood.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I consumed one of these abominations today
it was amazing, though not nearly as delicious as it looks
September 1st, 2009 at 5:46 pm
“chicken vowels”
awesome!
best laugh i had on cracked, ever.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Part of me says “it’s like a meat-lovers version of a s’more,” but another part of me says “it’s like sticking two sodas together with gum and calling it a double soda.”
September 1st, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Sounds delicious!
September 1st, 2009 at 5:42 pm
rofl article 5/5 stars
only thing is, that Nas song is actually very good you rap hating fucker
September 1st, 2009 at 5:38 pm
I posted a comment with links to original source of the “Louisville Chamber of Commerce” photo around 11:53am EDT and almost 10 hours later(9:36pm EDT) it’s still tagged “Your comment is awaiting moderation. ”
?
September 1st, 2009 at 5:19 pm
KFC should’ve just named it The Broodwich. Judging by the review, it would probably taste better if it was served on a bed of EVIL…and lettuce. Evil and lettuce.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Normally Bucholz is my least favorite Cracked writer, but the last few have been great, especially this one.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Excellent review.
“Chicken soft drinks”
I have a hankering for some fried Chickquid.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Lmao @ the Nas song.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Dude. The fact that you actually put a little ** at the bottom rockets this from badass cool to badass awesome. I’m going to start stalking you now. You seem to have earned that right.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I call this the “Hello Heart Attack”. What’s with the name Double Down anyway?
September 1st, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Stroheim cool, Sunset Blvd.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I’m from one of the test markets. Omaha, not the goddamn state of Oklahoma. And these things are delicious in the same way as a burger king quad stacker. You’ll have it once, swear your in heaven, then fall on the floor for three hours. It’s bliss…
September 1st, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I had to check about five websites before I even believed that sandwich was real…
“Chicken vowels” was awesome.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:33 pm
hmmm, tastes alot like soylient green
September 1st, 2009 at 3:19 pm
The “Thats so cliche” part about him breaking out had me laughing pretty hard.
Very clever Mr.Bucholz.
And how tangy? What condiments were on the sandwich, details you bastard! Details!
September 1st, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I don’t get it, those famous bowls are what got me going back to KFC for the whole two weeks they included white gravy with it. They turned to shit when they started using their trademark diarrhea gravy.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Oh god.
Now I want one.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:01 pm
You know, it used to upset me when people made fun of the city I grew up in (Salt Lake City) but now I realize that only idiots take what comedians say for truth. (Or at least exact truth)
September 1st, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I get the Herbert West reference. Clever.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Usually I can laugh at jokes about groups that I am a part of. Women, Catholics, teenagers, geeks, etc. But I’m from Louisville, and this kind of upset me. We’re way more forward than you would think. Sure, some of the outer counties are a bit hick-ish, but Louisville has been called one of the best cities to live in by various reliable sources. Did you even actually go there? It’s nice.
But I do agree that this sandwich sounds atrocious.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:27 pm
LMAO @ experienced eaters!
September 1st, 2009 at 2:13 pm
chicken vowels!!!
September 1st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Reise! Reise! Herr Sanders, Reise!
September 1st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
No joke, I’m going to KFC right now! This made me hungry.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Jordan
Obscure? Really?
September 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
they had two test markets for this beast. one was rhode island, the other was oklahoma (no lie). I live in RI, and living in such a “lucky” state I had to try it. pretty sure my heart stopped for a few seconds. not due to pleasure, it was a straight up coronary.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I am traumatized. Truly, truly traumatized.
Maybe that’s what I’ll go as for Halloween–a “zombie” Colonel Sanders!
September 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Two stars? Just remember, the Colonel is watching. Always. Watching.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Excelent article, the nazi scientist, the reanimation of colonel sanders, excelente…
September 1st, 2009 at 11:48 am
gut und fein. Viel spass gehabt.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:41 am
Vehementmonocle
Um…wow.
Really, I think you’d be better off just drinking the TB hot sauce packets directly and skipping the bowl outright.
Next time I make fried chicken (that’s in a cast iron skillet, like other people’s grandmas made [my grandmother couldn't cook to save herself from Satan]) I’m totally going to make a Double Down Sandwich.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:33 am
I love comments from people like Brad who assume people will spend time reading another 1000 words as if they themselves were a cracked author (he’s not, extensive research). Anyway, great article, seven thumbs up.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:15 am
Double Down Sandwich is people!
(obscure soylent green reference)
September 1st, 2009 at 11:11 am
this is not terrifying. this is god.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:07 am
“I started dutifully writing all of that down, but soon discovered I couldn’t write that fast. I angled my notebook away from him and faked it. In fact a lot of what he said in the previous paragraph is completely made up. Sorry.”
that made me laugh my good man. thanks for the nice article.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:07 am
‘Doubling-Down’ is just another Saturday night to me! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ HAWT!!!! Oh silly me… snicker. I thought it said ‘Gobbling-Down!’ Oops!
September 1st, 2009 at 11:06 am
I understand now! The Double Down Sandwich is made of Soylent Green!
September 1st, 2009 at 11:06 am
My God world, this is not a big deal.
I mean the article was funny but why the fuck does anyone care?
September 1st, 2009 at 11:03 am
Oh, and Bulcholz, my rant isn’t directed at you. I understand the concept of comedy, and you had me laughing out loud with this one. Brilliant.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:01 am
I’m loving how everyone is freaking out about a chicken sandwich without bread. I mean, that’s what it is… not an “abomination.” Well, that’s if you don’t consider ALL of KFC’s food an abomination.
Go buy a bacon double cheeseburger, remove the buns, and HOLY SHIT you’ve got a Double Down Burger! Go light the torches, we’ll drive these monsters out of town!
Direct your hate at the people who invent things like the burger with Krispy Kreme buns. That’s gotta add another 1200 calories or so. THAT is an abomination.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:00 am
That was brilliant. So funny.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:49 am
For the record, this article was amazing. One of your best Bucholz.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:47 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1830860
September 1st, 2009 at 10:46 am
i was going to write some insightful lot about nas’ lyrics but i have a head cold so all i could come up with was mucus. somebody turn down the water pressure in my skull.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:48 am
The Double Down sounds promising, but can it compete with the McInfant?
September 1st, 2009 at 9:45 am
Great. We may as well fire up the Hadron Collider and crank that sucker up to 11! Any society who has found the exact recipe for “evil” (otherwise marketed as the “Double Down Sandwich”) is to sick to survive and should be wiped from existence. The fact that they have sought to accompany it with fries and a soda is pretty much like saying “I double death dog dare you”. Just by looking at a picture of the sign, I am instantly aware that this has a such an astronomiclly high caloric content as to feed an entire village for dinner, and a fat count colossal enough to cause everyone to die from a massive coronary before the sun comes up the next morning. Way to go KFC, you village murdering, universe ending SOB’s. Way to go. Although anyone who literally has commercials suggesting that you “unthink” before you walk in to eat there cant really be accountable for the utter darkness which flows from within their cursed doors.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:34 am
Chicken napkins is the funniest imagery I’ve ever read
September 1st, 2009 at 9:28 am
I’m hoping that when you order this sandwich that they actually ask, “would you like to double down”?
And if you say “yes” they slide a tub of gravy across the counter.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:17 am
# Steeletesseract Says:
September 1st, 2009 at 8:37 am
Hey i Like the damned bowls. THey are a bit much but if you get taco bell hot sauce it makes them amazing.
That is the saddest thing I have ever read. Also if you crush hushpuppies from Long John Silvers into it they make a great addition to any thanksgiving dinner.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:47 am
i enjoyed Franks frequent gesticulations. did he mention if the name is a reference to bypass surgery?
September 1st, 2009 at 8:37 am
Hey i Like the damned bowls. THey are a bit much but if you get taco bell hot sauce it makes them amazing.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:35 am
I heard the news from friends on http://www. interracial lure.com, maybe you can get more news about it from friends who come from all over the world. Go there and share with them.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:28 am
That was so funny. Thanks for working hard to make something good.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:22 am
I stopped reading halfway thru in the hopes that the writer was going to be fed to the zombie colonel for his famous bowl comments….
September 1st, 2009 at 8:15 am
That Nas song is a brilliant socio-cultural satire.
But of course since it’s a rap song it’s automatically stupid to the majority of white people.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:45 am
Rev JSH: heh…well said.
Marketing the bowls (”Failure Piles”) to ppl who simply can’t eat their foods like adults anymore…just shove it all into one container, eat until humanity is gone.
Anyone remember Mr. Creosil from M. Python’s “Meaning of Life”? This is flirting w/ that abomination dangerously…
September 1st, 2009 at 7:37 am
Someone’s been watching 30 Rock.
Meat is the new bread!
September 1st, 2009 at 7:33 am
Western society is DOOMED !!!
The KFC Double Down Sandwich is going to make everyone into a redneck.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:25 am
I should not have read this article while hungry. Now I’m saddened that I don’t live near a test market for the Double Down. Great article!
September 1st, 2009 at 7:23 am
I loved the famous bowls!!!!
September 1st, 2009 at 7:21 am
Great article. Although the “Nazi scientist” is actually Erich von Stroheim. He was a filmmaker. He wasn’t as evil as a Nazi, but he was a fuckload crazier.
Also, he was Jewish. Just sayin’.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:14 am
two stars **
Nice article.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:57 am
I suggest they “up size” this sandwich by providing a top and bottom bun made of donuts.
then, and only then would this sandwich be a masterpiece - and possibly better than the long since past circa 1994 - the “Hardees Ultimate bacon cheeseburger”…sigh.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:49 am
Does anyone know who those hillbillies in the picture are? That picture is the most disturbing thing in this article.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:28 am
I had to confirm this story online so I searched for it on youtube. I found a video of a commercial that may or may not have been fake, it’s of similar quality to any other youtard video out there.
Then I found a vid cip of a Fox News story about it too. Then i got distracted by a somehow related video of the worlds most powereful shotgun (OMG 32 round drum magazine, semi and fully automatic with almost no recoil).
Then I got onto Barrets, bombs and machine guns. So yea what could be a hoax video and Fox news. I still say Citation needed on this one.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:14 am
:””D
September 1st, 2009 at 6:14 am
I lol’d
September 1st, 2009 at 6:08 am
Very nice bucholz i loved the part here he slapped him and he said “thank you”.
i just wish this article was a little longer, a little more story!
September 1st, 2009 at 6:07 am
Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 1st, 2009 at 6:06 am
man i didn’t believe this was real when i heard about it. the logistics of this burger are all wrong. i mean how do you hold it? doesn’t the sauce just run everywhere? this is the burger equivalent of a man with with no hands masturbating. greasy, messy and something that you’ve really got to see to believe.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:02 am
Pot shots at the always deserving KFC in the proud tradition of Patton Oswalt. Fun, eh.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:47 am
Always enjoy your articles Bucholz. Great stuff.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:43 am
I must seek out this so called “Double Down” sandwich and have my way with it….
By which I mean eat it
September 1st, 2009 at 5:36 am
I live in Kentucky and I have to say that everything you’ve said is true. The colonel has sent his lackeys to the college at night, in full chicken-regalia no less, and dragged off screaming English/Psychology majors, faceless souls no one will ever miss.
Get the word out.
I fear the night and the smell of greasy batter.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:33 am
The difference between a shitty tuesday and a awesome tuesday? Bucholz
Hilarious… twist ending too, I was half expecting Bucholz to fight the Colonel to keep alive and become the new CEO of KFC. I guess that would be a DOB article…
September 1st, 2009 at 5:22 am
Pffff, everyone knows the Americans took all the nazi scientists, we don’t have any left in Europe anymore.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:18 am
@ Dylan, to put it succinctly:
It’s PEOPLE! Soilent gre–ehn, I mean, the KFC Double Down is made out of… PEOPLE!!! *staggers through the streets, all disheveled and crap*
September 1st, 2009 at 5:11 am
Dear LORD that was brilliant
September 1st, 2009 at 5:08 am
SOYLENT DOUBLE DOWN IS PEOPLE!
September 1st, 2009 at 5:06 am
“In fact a lot of what he said in the previous paragraph is completely made up. Sorry.”
I love that!
Great job as usual Bucholz. You, Sir, are a grand gamani of hilarity.
(You will not be finding the correct definition of gamani. It is the most esoteric title I could find)
September 1st, 2009 at 4:59 am
KFC is full of nazi scientists? I knew it! Those bastards…
September 1st, 2009 at 4:58 am
Wow, that was the most disturbing and hilarious thing I’ve read in quite some time.
I’m not sure I can sleep ever again now.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:56 am
I’m guessing the sandwhich is made of humans Dylan. Bucholz just ate Frank.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:55 am
I loved the part about the slapping. I laughed out loud
September 1st, 2009 at 4:52 am
I need to get me one of these…..
September 1st, 2009 at 4:49 am
‘That wasn’t what I meant by chicken suit.’
That line fucking killed me! Rock on Bucholz!
September 1st, 2009 at 4:45 am
D’accord.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:41 am
Those chicken suits are a bitch to clean.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:40 am
Oh god, my eyes are watering from laughing so hard… best article yet, Bucholz!
…now, to see if I can find where to try the sandwich. You know, just to be able to say I tried it.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:38 am
well done
September 1st, 2009 at 4:35 am
nobody care jess. really!
September 1st, 2009 at 4:34 am
Did he get eaten? The ending was weird. I guess he was eaten by Sanders.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:26 am
You’re a genius, Bucholz.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:09 am
Awesome, Bucholz… just awesome
(First!)