My fellow Americans:
With the November election just around the corner and both campaigns ramping up their rhetoric, there’s been a lot of talk in the media about the candidates, their qualifications (or lack thereof), and what they might look like naked. That’s all well and good - spirited discourse about prominent politicians’ genitalia is essential to a healthy democracy - but with all this talk about Obama, McCain, Sarah Palin and (to a lesser extent) Joe Biden, I can’t help but feel that someone has been left out of the national dialogue.
I’m talking, of course, about me, Ross Wolinsky. I might not be a “Kennedyesque” senator with a gift for oration, nor have I ever been tortured as a POW in Hanoi (I don’t even know what Hanoi is!), but let me be clear: I, Ross Wolinsky, am going to be the next President of the United States.
Now I know what you’re thinking: Who is this Ross Wolinsky fella, and why in the name of Krokus should I vote for him? What’s the Great Pizza Basket, and are those stink lines coming off of Florida? My agenda might be a little bit different than the other candidates’, but that’s probably because I’m not like the other candidates. Let’s get into it, shall we?
HOMELAND SECURITY
We live in troubled times, and the war we are waging against terrorists abroad will be our legacy for generations to come. They hate us for our freedom, and they want to kill our pets and grandparents. It’s no surprise that homeland security is on the minds of millions of Americans - we love our pets and grandparents. That’s what America is all about.
Barack Obama wants to “base homeland security spending on risk rather than pork-barrel politics.” John McCain says that “the highest priority for any President is protecting the lives of American citizens.”
Ross Wolinsky thinks that both of these men are morons.
The Department of Homeland Security operates with a staggering annual budget of $45 billion, but despite this astronomical figure, studies have repeatedly found DHS to be an ineffective government agency. When he is elected President, Ross Wolinsky will dismantle the Department of Homeland Security and use their budget to build the biggest theme park the world has ever seen at the geographic center of the United States. It will be called Freedomland, admission will be free for all natural-born citizens, and it will be staffed entirely by grandparents and pets.
I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: A theme park staffed by grandparents and pets will most likely be a very unpleasant place to visit. Geriatrics will be wandering the park, confused and impatient, the pets will go mostly unfed, and anyone who gets on the roller coaster is almost guaranteed to die (and that’s not even mentioning the feces). But Freedomland will be more of a symbolic gesture than anything else, and besides, an amusement park covered in animal and octogenarian feces is as American as apple pie.
Which reminds me: The park will also sell apple pie.
THE ECONOMY
Following the recent meltdown on Wall Street, America’s going to need a President with a sharp business sense while we put the pieces of our nation’s economy back together. Barack Obama plans to invest in “infrastructure, energy independence, education, and research and development,” while John McCain advocates a “pro-growth, pro-jobs strategy” to get our economy on the fast-track to recovery.
Ross Wolinsky thinks that economics is boring, and when he’s elected President, he will make talking about it ILLEGAL.
Unless, of course, you are born into the newly-created “finance” caste, in which case the well-being of our entire economy will rest entirely on your back. This small group of privileged individuals will be fully sequestered in maximum security “Analyst Camps” on Wall Street, where they’ll be forced - err, allowed - to calculate risk, trade stocks and commodities, and talk about all that other boring, complicated things that most Americans have no interest in or understanding of.
This will free up valuable space in the business sections of our nation’s newspapers, magazines and TV shows, which can then be filled with something that has been woefully underrepresented in the American media for too many years:
Hardcore pornography.
When he is elected President, Ross Wolinsky will put hardcore pornography where it belongs: on your TVs, in your newspapers… everywhere he possibly can, really. Oh - and if you go to the bank they’ll give you free money. As much of it as you want.
That’s the Ross Wolinsky promise: locked-up financial analysts, hardcore pornography, and all the free money you want.
FLORIDA
Three words: NO MORE FLORIDA.
HEALTHCARE
If energy costs are soaring, then healthcare costs are doing some other dramatic, air-related thing that escapes me at the moment. Americans cannot afford their doctor bills and insurance premiums; meanwhile the doctors and surgeons are zipping around the French Rivieria on diamond-encrusted yachts, reclining on deck with a diamond-encrusted glass of imported diamond juice in their hands, laughing maniacally, or possibly just laughing regularly at how ridiculous it is to do that.
Both Barack Obama and John McCain know that the cost of healthcare is completely out of control, and they both have their own vague band-aid solutions to bring costs under control, but neither one of them are brave enough to address the root of the problem: modern medicine is simply too expensive for many Americans.
So what’s the solution? We need affordable medical solutions for the Americans who need them, solutions for when modern medicine is out of reach. To that end, Ross Wolinsky believes that we must invest heavily in ancient, archaic medical practices that have long since been replaced by more effective, less horrifically painful practices. Leeches, trepanation, and dirt blessed by voodoo shamans were all perfectly respectable forms of medical treatment before “science” showed up and ruined the party, and when Ross Wolinsky is elected President, he will create a new government agency dedicated to bringing these practices back into use for the millions of sick Americans who need them.
Modern medicine is elitist and surgery is for aristocrats - what you need is a good ol’ fashioned bloodletting.
THE SANCTITY OF LIFE
The sanctity of life is a very sensitive issue, one that must be approached delicately. Barack Obama has made it clear that he supports a woman’s right to choose, while John McCain’s website says that he is committed to “the protection of human dignity,” which means he’s against killing babies, I think.
Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Ross Wolinsky does not believe that babies have a place in this country at all.
These unproductive, lazy members of our society have been placing an enormous strain on our national resources for too long, expecting handouts while giving nothing back to society. They cry during movies, they defecate in our supermarket aisles, and they’ve made enjoying a leisurely afternoon at the local playground nearly impossible. We have put up with The Bonneted Menace for too long, and when he is elected President this November, Ross Wolinsky will make sure that no more babies are born in this country EVER AGAIN.
AGRICULTURE
The plight of the American farmer is one of the great tragedies of our time. Barack Obama speaks of an agricultural agenda that will allow America’s farmers to “create a new story for rural America,” and John McCain wants to “expand access for U.S. agricultural producers to foreign markets,” but Ross Wolinsky knows better than that; after all, he grew up in Chicago, a city not too far away from Iowa (where corn is grown).
The problems facing America’s farmers aren’t rooted in corn subsidies or companies like Monsanto. The politicians would have you believe that fixing things requires a complicated solution, something involving lots of research and committees and big words nobody understands, but here’s what the politicians don’t want you to know: The problems facing America’s farmers are as simple as apple pie coolin’ on your grandma’s windowsill.
Corn might be America’s #1 crop, but is it America’s favorite food? NOT EVEN CLOSE. Our nation’s farmers, those forgotten heroes tilling their midwestern fields to feed our nation, are dedicating the vast majority of their precious resources on a crop that NOBODY EVEN LIKES.
That’s why when Ross Wolinsky is President, he will adopt a reform strategy to enact sweeping changes throughout the American agricultural system. No longer will our nation’s farmers be tied to growing a crop that sticks in your teeth and refuses digestion. We need to bring our bread basket into the 21st century, and to do so, we need to start growing a crop that people actually want to eat:
Pizza. We must grow more pizza.
My name is Ross Wolinsky, and I approve this message.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- The 10 Commandments of Facebook - September 10th, 2008
November 18th, 2008 at 12:40 am
Hey Ross,
I’m your mama’s sistah. When you get to the White House, please tell me that she and I can have a sleepover there. We haven’t roomed together since college.
P.S. Good writing! (What did those parents DO to you??) I’d like to think that my association with them played at least a small part in your intellectual wackiness.
October 26th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
I may be a canadian and have no real say in the matter, but damn you americans definitely need more boobs on tv.
You could count on my vote Wolinsky….if again I wasn’t a canadian. Cheers anyway!
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I WILL RULE YOU MORTAL FOOLS!
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RESIST!
SURRENDER IS INEVITABLE!
DIE, TREASONOUS WORMS! DIE A HORRIBLE AND PAINFUL DEATH!
VOTE BORED RIGHT NOW IN ‘08 OR I WILL RULE YOUR SOULS! *RULE THEM!*
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:58 pm
you have our vote !! consider us for the Treasury of Toppings ?
ask me http://www.howtolosegirls.com
September 30th, 2008 at 12:34 am
Great plan about agriculture — replacing corn with pizza would stimulate the economy and boost morale, big-time! Killing all babies might hurt the long-term future of our country, but at least you have a plan for your change, which is more than Obama can say.
September 29th, 2008 at 2:57 am
what about your fire arm policy? when can i get my gun in less then a day, with no ID? and when do i get my fully automatic armor piercing assault rifle?
September 28th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Wow hot and smart. What a catch you are.
September 26th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
well whilst your giving stuff away and reforming and destroying can the UK have California now? We have a rock that says the Natives gave it to the guy who brought tobacco to the western world….so erm yeah dubious morality aside can we have it?
September 26th, 2008 at 8:00 am
You guys have a Constitution? For real? I thought that was just a running gag. Well, in the fine tradition set forth by your domestic presidents, I will ignore the Constitution and do what I damn well please. Those unhappy with my plans will meet with Secretary Panzer-Steir Ross.
September 25th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
BTW, for all you college football fans the “Trojans” are losing to the “Beavers” on national TV now. I’m pretty sure there’s a joke in there somewhere.
September 25th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Kingmonkey, I hate to burst your bubble but casnadians cannot be President. It says so in the Constitution. So you just gonna hit that part with an eraser and write “Maplebang!” in caligraphy?
September 25th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
And the song “lets get physical” by Olivia Newton John is playing and he’s dressed like Olivia Newton John in the video, but it’s her outfit from the last scene in Grease.
I’m glendoor42 and I approved this message.
September 25th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Well, DOB starts out just doing sit-ups and stomach crunches in the video, but then he starts… doing things. It’s not like he didn’t know the camera was there, either. I haven’t eaten custard since that day.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
No more Florida? She was the rock around which Good Times revolved. The fucking rock.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
pssh american as apple pie?
more like american as obesity and McDonals.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Show name: “Ow! My balls!”
And a shirtless DOB video buys my vote. Kingmonkey/glendoor42 in ‘08!
September 25th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
hrteast
September 25th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
this is great!
September 25th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Why yes, Kingmonkey, that would sweeten the deal. Not only do Glendoor and Ross scare the hell outta me but I could sure use some video footage of DOB working out. Are you sure it’s an actually work out video though and just not home made pr0n? DOB tends to see them as the same thing….
Vote 1 Kingmonkey in ‘08!!
September 25th, 2008 at 11:39 am
YOU. ARE. AWESOME.
September 25th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Most of the voters in Florida are from other states anyway. Maybe through secession, all of those transplants can be deported and the misplaced blame can return home. Eat shit.
September 25th, 2008 at 9:28 am
@ tiffany:
Clearly all the grandparents and pets would be running the amusement park, which would not be in Florida. Which, by the way, is a fantastic idea to keep them safe from terrorists - put them all in one centralized location (the buddy system, and all.)
September 25th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Also Mr.Balmer would be forced to watch that stupid ass Bill Gates/Jerry Seinfeld commercial until his goddamn eyes exploded.
I would also like to point out a grave error of logic in our”esteemed” colleague Ross “W”’s platform. If he locks up the nerds, how is he going to run the country from jail.(Sorry Ross but you drew stink lines over where I live and plus the fact I do not want to have to present my passport every time I want to go to my half a beach house in Florida.)
Finally, to the ladies and well, gentlemen( of the homosexual persuasion) A vote for us means
I release kingmonkey’s private video surveillance footage of DOB’s workout, with many closeups of his abs.
September 25th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Hey MJ-89, would it sweeten the pot any if I reminded y’all that Panzer-Steir Ross is going to be the Secretary of Shutting You the Hell Up? His job will be to silence any and all dissidents, American Idols, political pundits, and E! reporters. Silence, with extreme prejudice.
He’ll be working hand in hand with VP glendoor42, who, as you know, will also be in charge of meting out savage justice based on our admittedly biased moral code. He’ll try to do that ironic justice thing when he can. Like, if he finally got so pissed that he just snapped while using Windows, he would call up his secret police (Il Mano Negro, they’re called) to pick up Steve Balmer. We’d force him to personally go through Windows to correct ever single bug or error until he was a gibbering, drooling idiot (more so than now). Then we’d shoot him in the kneecaps and put him through a Batman-villain style torture/death machine. (We’d take away his utility belt first, of course.)
September 25th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Running Man — import Governator Arnie to be the first participant!
September 25th, 2008 at 5:18 am
This is all well and good, but I still think Americans should not be allowed to vote on anything. Just to be on the safe side. So Wolinsky is just going to have to go mano a mano with every other male in the U.S. and find out who’s boss.
You know, the Sultanate of Oman has a very wise ruler. Enlightened despotism, that’s what you guys need. I think he’s available, I’ll give you his number if you like. (He’s gay, but other than that you couldn’t ask for a more sensible soul.)
September 25th, 2008 at 5:04 am
DOB’08
Nuff said.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:44 am
You lost me at the first line. I’m not American, Ross. Why you be hatin’?
I’m tempted to say I’m voting for Kingmonkey but DOB’s so damn convincing!
September 25th, 2008 at 2:59 am
Best Wolinksy article I have ever read, very well done
September 25th, 2008 at 2:42 am
Cracked readers don’t seem to know their classics, for shame!
The year is 2008. The finest men in America don’t run for President. They run for their lives!
September 25th, 2008 at 12:10 am
I had this crazy and awesome idea that Ross touched on a bit. I was arguing with someone able how important Ohio is, and roller coasters were most of my major reasons for Ohio’s reason to exist. Then it hit me, why doesn’t our society have more demand for roller coasters? Then I declared that no city in America can be a city without a large population, a mayor, and at least 1 roller coaster. Bigger cities would have more than 1 of course, but even that small town 5 miles from your house that is voting to become a city must meet the requirement of at least 1 roller coaster. Case closed.
September 25th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Can we get rid of the Dakotas, too? I mean seriously. Does anyone even fucking live there? And if they do, do they even matter? The answer: No, no they do not.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Just name the show “Titties” and change the format to bouncing breasts for the duration of the broadcast.
mmmmmmmmmmm boobs
They’re almost as good as alcohol.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
RE: The title for your game show. I gave this a lot of thought, and came up with several potential options: Eraser(because criminals are ERASing each other), Predator(because some of the contestants would be internet PREDATORs), Terminator(because exTERMINATORs sometimes break the law), or Twins(because whoever doesn’t get killT WINS). They also happen to be movies, but that’s irrelevant.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Will there be some kind of Death Race, Thunderdome, or ‘Running Man’ for capital punishment?
September 24th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
So I guess your plan to grow pizzas mean you support GM foods? Awesome! I hate those dicks who are all scared of GM for no reason. Com ON, people, it’s the only way the pizza plant’s gonna happen!
September 24th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Lolz. The best pesidential election post so far.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
you guys haven’t ever seen some one with pepperoni nipples? I DARE you to google image search that with the safe search off.
September 24th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
If they make pizza tits and you eat them, no more tits. So no pizza tits.
September 24th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Ross is only filling your heads with these great ideas so you’ll elect him. Once he gets in office he’s going to balance the budget, fix the economy, mend international relations, and make rape a crime.
At least we know what we’re getting with DOB: Abs; an unconditional, irrational faith in Abs; and a likely affair between an overweight White House intern and Abs.
Vote DOB ‘08
September 24th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
HOLY FUCK THEY SHOULD MAKE PIZZA-TITTIES!!!
And when you motorboat them there is tomato sauce!
September 24th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Sounds awesome as tits. That’s part of the plan right? Farmers making pizza and titties?
September 24th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
@The Repubelick of Cracked: The word running is far too vague. A better name is “Runaway Man” so you know they have to runaway….man.
September 24th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
DOB for president. Chris Tucker for vice president. “DANIEL you gonna blow up japan? DANIEL YA CRAZAYYYYYYYYY!!!!”
Pure awesomeness. DOB” 08
September 24th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Wolinsky…
Your plan for Tampa sounds vaguely familiar to the incredibly awful movie “Death Race”. May I suggest adding fast cars and good looking women to your broadcast? It seemed to boost ratings in the movie (though not the actual box office sales, as again, the movie was awful). Also, I find your messages of terrorism to conflict with your opinions of Florida. Isn’t Florida home to all of our grandparents, and presumably their pets? Does blasting all of Florida make you a terrorist by association?? I hate Florida, but I don’t mind my grandparents, so I am conflicted…
September 24th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
You could so call it “Running Man”
September 24th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
*-Bob Schaffer
September 24th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
After seeing a poll saying that 85% of CU students frequent Cracked.com I republican Bob Shaffer would like to ask you fine young men to please vote for me to represent you in the U.S. Senate.
Hope you don’t mind… Wolinsky.
-Bob Schafferr.
September 24th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I’d just like to suggest that america is only ready for one black man in the white house, so lets elect DOB/Wolinsky. Let ODB be secretary of state, G Rocks can be the press secretary *insert dry, sarcastic, witty comment here*. King Monkey seems like an intelligent choice for international relations, glendoor 42 is clearly the best choice for being in charge of deciding what is and isn’t art (I don’t know what that job is called.).
September 24th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
those also make good band names
September 24th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I recomend you name the show any one of the following:
Slaughter Wild
The Black against the Slow Death
Bile Cripple
Goat-Headed Comfort
Murder Plague
Iron Rubber
Slow Death Pussy
Crawling Bleeding Rotting Carnage
September 24th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
What’s the problem with Florida (other than Sondra Prill)?
September 24th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
“There they will participate in life-or-death hand-to-hand combat against a variety of “Stalkers” - trained killers with a variety of weapons and fighting techniques - including Buzzsaw, Dynamo and Captain Freedom.”
Ooh, better TV? Sounds like a plan.
“The events will be televised in a game show format, but I haven’t thought of a name for it yet. Anyone have any ideas?”
I have many ideas. I suppose it depends on what sort of show it will be, something like “Survival of the Fittest” if it’s an organised tournament or you’re planning to let winners free.
Of course, there’s always “KILL-A-THON” or “SLAUGHTER FEST” if it’s just killing and gore with added blood, gore and corpses.
September 24th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
I live in Florida, so you need to like, tell the people that matter to leave before you blow it up, like me.
September 24th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
But Ross! I don’t have time to be learning about these “other countries” and “foreigners!” What do you plan to do about that?! I can’t be bothered to figure all this Latvia and Lithuania bullshit! I vote that we just re-name all the other countries after our own states; we already know about all those, and whether Russia– I’m sorry, I mean OREGON– decides to invade one Georgia or another, as long as you’re not in that state/country, who cares!
September 24th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I’m glad you asked that, classybroad. (Love that name, by the way - is it French?)
Naturally, in this post-9/11 world we live in, America’s next administration is going to have to be tough on crime. To that end, when I am elected President this November, I plan to arbitrarily round up criminals from our federal prisons, tranquilize them, and drop them, one at a time, into the post-apocalyptic rubble heap remains of Tampa, Florida.
There they will participate in life-or-death hand-to-hand combat against a variety of “Stalkers” - trained killers with a variety of weapons and fighting techniques - including Buzzsaw, Dynamo and Captain Freedom.
The events will be televised in a game show format, but I haven’t thought of a name for it yet. Anyone have any ideas?
September 24th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
If you eliminate Florida, aren’t you also doing something about health care? Since we can’t get people do die any sooner, just kick the old people out of the country. (The ones that don’t have jobs at Freedomland, that is.) That will save billions.
September 24th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Ross Wolinsky, I must know… What do you plan on doing about punishing people? I vote we go back to ancient times with that as well. Torturing in the town square or dungeon as punishment. Just because they had some really weird torture devices back then. I would especially like to see the whirley-gig come back in style.
Thank you for your time and effort.
September 24th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Gemineye: That’s actually a really good slogan.
Wolinsky ‘08: Like China But With Pizza.
NAILED IT.
September 24th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
@ America’s Wang: So by cutting off only South Florida, does that mean we would be circumcised? Wolinsky is a Jew….
Also, Tampa does suck. Whenever I hear people are moving here, they always ask “what is there to do?”
I tell them “Leave the city and go somewhere else.”
September 24th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I must admit that was probably the best article I’ve read in a month. Thank you, Mr. Wolinsky. You have my vote.
September 24th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
DOB, how about this for a t-shirt idea:
Front:
DOB/ODB ‘08
Murda, taste the flame of the Wu-Tang
Back:
Shame on a nigga
September 24th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Apple pie is British! The exact opposite of American. Except French, Canadian and Australian. They are the exact opposite of American too.
September 24th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
sure as hell has my vote - and im in england…meaning i dont want him as president of america, i want him as president of the world
September 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
sounds like china but with pizza
September 24th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Why ALL of Florida? South Florida is the only problem! It’s an old jewish person graveyard, where they can’t figure out that Al Gore is not Pat Buchana! Just amputate south of Orlando and you save all the good parts! You can get rid of Tampa too. Tampa sucks.
September 24th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I’m going with DOB on this one. Sorry Ross, I like your platform for the most part but no country wants to be neutered. I need Florida or the other countries will laugh and think less of me.
September 24th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Abs in ‘08!
DOB has got my vote!
September 24th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Hey, Danny, baby I got your money. Also you have my vote.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
oh…and Ross…this is maybe one of the funniest articles I’ve read ever…great work!
September 24th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Why are we still discussing voting?
Kingmonkey/Glendoor42, Wolinsky and DOB need to have it out Anchorman style. Back alley, any homemade weapons you can carry and nice suits.
Last campaign standing is declared President.
I’m sharpening my spiked baseball bat for DOB.
DOB ‘08
September 24th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I’m fucking sold on the basis Wolinsky hates babies and that vapid, shit smelling, geriatric repository bin that is florida. Maybe we should send babies to florida that way the old people could raise them until they are ready to become functioning members of society. Its free childcare plus the AARPers would actually be earning their keep. And the pizza idea, fucking brilliant. If someone doesn’t like pizza they can be shipped off with the babies, we don’t need people like that in this country.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
But I’m from Florida, Wolinsky! What do you plan on doing with me? *sad face*
September 24th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
How many of you know that APPLE PIE WAS NOT INVENTED IN THE UNITED STATES?
It’s about American as the electronics you buy at Wal Mart.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Hey DOB, you forgot to mention, in your progression of leaders of Latveria, that in the future, Tyger Wylde will rule under the megacorps until Victor von Doom wrests control from him in 2099.
Nerd Battle!
September 24th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I’ll let this one slide, Cherlindrea, because I’m new here. I was simply saying that America, under my loving, iron fist, would be like Oceania of 1984, except ruled by Doctor Doom.
In the future, if you besmirch my knowledge of comic books, there will be bloodshed– bloodshed and loud sound effects. I will kill to protect my nerd rep, and that is the kind of expensive hat that you need as your president-for-life!
September 24th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Which means I’ll have to vote for him.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:50 am
DOB just out-nerded everybody.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I like the no more babies idea. Like Children of Men, but waaaay less depressing.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:26 am
‘”It will be like 1984, only instead of Big Brother, it will be like Doctor Doom ruling Oceania.”
Umm. . .wasn’t Doctor Doom the ruler of Latvia? Not sure I can accept anyone as my overlord that doesn’t know his comics.”‘
Ahem. Oceania was a nation in 1984, the book.
Latveria is where Doctor Doom is from, and where he ruled, (and where, later, Lucia Von Bardas ruled).
Latvia is a place.
Now, isn’t THAT the kind of knowledge a candidate should have? Vote DOB. My political party is “All the Time” and my running mate is the reanimated corpse of Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Our campaign t-shirts have the words “I Fucked You” printed on the front, and nothing else.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I think Ross is implying that he’ll serve in the capacity of both President and Vice-President, so if he gets assassinated, he’ll just take over for himself.
Damnit Ross, who knew immortality was a matter of politics?
September 24th, 2008 at 10:30 am
sounds like china but with pizza
September 24th, 2008 at 10:28 am
whats your stance on drugs on immigration. (I’m an English pothead, some of us don’t like tea)
So if you’re cool on both then the second you get elected i’m hopping on the first banana crate over there.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:27 am
“It will be like 1984, only instead of Big Brother, it will be like Doctor Doom ruling Oceania.”
Umm. . .wasn’t Doctor Doom the ruler of Latvia? Not sure I can accept anyone as my overlord that doesn’t know his comics.
Right on Wolinsky. You’ve got my vote.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Besides, DarkFlame, I’m the one that gives culinary research and advice around here. And yes, I decree apple pie to be as American as Slutbucks.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:14 am
It’s all lies TheDarkFlame. There was never anything even remotely like apple pie before America invented it. Anyone trying to tell you otherwise should be reported to the proper authorities for rehabilitation before they strap on a bomb and blow up you and everyone you love/lust after.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Oh, of course, after I type my ACTUAL comment in, and it doesn’t work, THEN the comment box decides to work.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:58 am
This. Isn’t. WORKING.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I’m not sure, let me check…
Hmm. Apparently, English apple pies and Dutch apple pies are different things… but neither is American.
“English apple pie recipes go back to the time of Chaucer. The 1381 recipe lists the ingredients as good apples, good spices, figs, raisins and pears. The cofyn of the recipe is a casing of pastry. Saffron is used for colouring the pie filling.”
“Dutch apple pie (appeltaart or appelgebak) recipes go back a long way. Dutch recipes typically also call for flavourings such as cinnamon and lemon juice to be added, and Dutch apple pies are usually decorated in a lattice style. Dutch apple pies contain the regular ingredients plus others including raisins and icing.”
And on the “American-ness of apple pie…
“In the English colonies the apple pie had to wait for carefully planted pips, brought in barrels across the Atlantic, to become fruit-bearing apple trees, to be selected for their cooking qualities, as apples do not come true from seeds. In the meantime, the colonists were more likely to make their pies, or “pasties”, of meat rather than of fruit; and the main use for apples, once they were available, was in cider. But there are American apple-pie recipes, both manuscript and printed, from the eighteenth century, and it has since become a very popular dessert.”
September 24th, 2008 at 9:52 am
No! No one else in the world ever even thought of apple pie before America (collectively) invented it! Any arguing that fact is unAmerican and treasonous.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I thought apple pie was Dutch.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:21 am
How could anyone not trust that beard?
September 24th, 2008 at 9:20 am
What about us serial killers? What will you do to pander to us? I mean them?
September 24th, 2008 at 9:14 am
You’re right, Ross. Corn does suck. I hate the summer time when everyone’s all like, “Oh, sweet corn, I love sweet corn.” Well I hate it. And I’d much rather have pizza.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I’m not sure I’m convinced. There was no talk of foreign policies or if arcade games will be installed in lunchrooms as Obama has promised.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:12 am
“American as apple pie.”
Love this phrase.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Way to rip off Kunich’s old campaign website, Ross!
September 24th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Great no more babies, they had it way too good for way too long.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:31 am
They let nerds on the internets? WHEN????!
September 24th, 2008 at 8:30 am
You have heard from the esteemed competition. Now hear the alternative.
kingmonkey/glendoor42 in ‘08
We will dominate every facet of your life. It will be like 1984, only instead of Big Brother, it will be like Doctor Doom ruling Oceania. You will not have a thought that we did not put there. Your life will be a rigid and inflexible regimen which will be watched at every point of the day, from hidden cameras.
Punishment will be meted out by glendoor42’s secret police like the Punisher.
But what about DC comics, some of you may ask. You’ll find plenty of them in the gulag where you will be sentenced for the rest of your life– hard labour!
Vote kingmonkey in ‘08 and you’ll never have to make another decision ever again!
September 24th, 2008 at 8:25 am
The less nerds thing might not be too effective as we are currently on the internet.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Who will you have as vice president. Also the pizza is a good idea.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Oh - and I almost forgot: I’d also appoint Gladstone the head of FEMA. You know - because he’s a total disaster.
ZOINK!