Cracked Columnists

5 Oil Spill Solutions Now That Kevin Costner Is Helping

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It seems BP has finally found someone who can do something about that oil spill in the Gulf. You guessed it. Kevin Costner. According to recent reports, BP has just purchased 32 high tech centrifuges from the Waterworld star which purportedly can separate 200 gallons of a water from oil every minute. So at least something good came out of that movie. But it doesn't end there. Just weeks earlier, director James Cameron was reportedly annoyed that BP wasn't interested in learning more about his deep sea ideas.

Now as you may have heard, Hollywood is a shallow and trendy place where everyone's looking for the next big thing. And right now, that thing is apparently oil waste management. So it's not surprising that after the Costner news broke, Hollywood elites began lining up meetings with various governmental agencies to pitch their ideas. Ordinarily, these encounters are clandestine affairs, but part of the advantages of being a Cracked columnist --aside from learning that Dan O'Brien's middle name is Ezekial-- is that the United States government is legally obligated to provide us with any and all requested governmental transcripts. So I thought I'd give you a peek:

Shia LaBeouf
Hey, thanks guys. I really appreciate you letting me speak here today. I mean, most people don't talk to me unless Steven Spielberg makes them, so yeah, it was really cool of you. Anyway, I got this idea for cleaning up the Gulf. I was thinking oil, oil, oil, and then I remembered in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I had to slick my hair all up and stuff to be like a cool 1950s young Marlon Brando, dude. Did you see it? I was pretty badass. Yeah, I don't really get the ending either. Anyway, I'm thinking how did I get all that oil out of my hair? And then it hits me. Shampoo. I shampoo'd. Like a lot. So could that work? Y'know, like dump a whole bunch of shampoo in the Gulf? No? Hmm..

Well, I also have a back up plan. Actually, it's really my manager's idea. He said maybe you could just like drop me in the middle of it. And I was like huh, why? But he pointed out that I've been placed in all sorts of things I had no business being in. And the thing is, those projects broke kinda big for a couple weeks, but then were quickly forgotten with no lasting influence or consequence whatsoever. And that's just what we're looking for here, right? Anyway, call me. Laterz.

Michael Bay
Gentlemen, I'll keep this short and simple because your time is precious and because I'm pretty much functionally retarded. Now, I may not know a lot about plot structure or character development or working with actors or lighting or editing or what any of those people do in the credits. I mean, what's a gaffer? Seriously. But I do know one thing: how to blow shit up. And the last time I checked, oil had lots of blow-uppy properties. So my solution? Clear the set, and drop a match. Problem solved. Also, I'm not sure why, but Shia LaBeouf's manager called me to recommend that he be in that scene.
Morgan Freeman
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. As you know, I'm (dramatic pause) Morgan Freeman. I'm here today to talk to you about the problems we face. The problems in the Gulf. Now I've heard stories of cement, and stories of huge metal hats. I even heard that one about relief wells and recapture efforts. But honored guests, despite all your attempts to control the spill, may I be bold enough to ask if you've tried (longer dramatic pause) talking to it? Or more specifically, narrating to it. Y'see, gentlemen, all sorts of things are possible with the right kind of narrator. And by the right narrator I mean (longest dramatic pause followed by speech laced with a world weary smile) me. So, in closing, let me narrate to the spill. Tell it how to feel. Where to go. Because if there's one thing Americans love in a time of a crisis, its an eloquent Black man.
Ben Affleck
Dudes, thanks for takin' some time for the A-man this morning. I'll get right to it. I was looking at this oil mess on CNN and I thought What can I do? What skills do I bring to the table? Maybe writing. I mean, y'know, I DID win an Oscar for co-writing Good Will Hunting so I thought yeah, I'll write. Pen is mightier than the sword and all that, but y'know I haven't written another script in, what is it, over 10 years so yeah, maybe not. But y'know, it looked like I was an action star there for a second. Y'know, Sum of Our Fears and Armageddon and all that, but yeah, I don't seem to do that any more. So like any ideas to go down to the Gulf and be like handsome and heroic, yeah, I don't know. People not buying it. So then I thought, well they're probably sad down there in the Gulf now and maybe they could use some good cheer, but, well, I mean, I guess I'm vaguely amusing, but it's not like the comedy scripts came in after that thing I did in Extract so yeah, I'm not sure. But, um, I do have this sponge, and if you want to send me down there... I don't know. It would just be nice to have something to do.
Megan Fox
I was thinking I could pose in some sexy outfits. Yeah, I dunno. I can't even pretend I have an idea for the Gulf. Let alone one that simultaneously satirizes my movie performances in the process. It's just that Gladstone--he's this totes hot Cracked columnist--he said he was kinda dissatisfied with this column and he thought the readers might like something like that to spice things up. So y'know, bear with him. 'Cos, he's like the. dreamiest. thing. ever.

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