DAY 1
[RON, HERMIONE, HARRY and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an asshole.]
DOB
And then I says, “More like SHITerin!” Get it?
RON
Yes.
DOB
Because I took a shit in the sorting hat.
RON
I said yes.
DOB
And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione.
HERMIONE
It was a lovely joke.
DOB
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]
HARRY
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.
HERMIONE
I know what you mean.
DOB
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Hermione, when you turnin’ 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?
RON
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.
DOB
This fuckin- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Christ, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.
HARRY
[Quietly]
That’s not this movie.
RON
You’re thinking of Witches.
DOB
Actually I’m thinking of eat shit, Beasley, what is your deal?
DAY 4
[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]
HARRY
Alright, DOB, I’m about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don’t want to play?
DOB
Nah. I’ma try to call Hermione so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.
HARRY
Right. See you later, then.
DOB
Yeah, man, go- Jesus. Is that how you’re going to dress?
HARRY
I… this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-
DOB
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you’re auditioning for the female lead.
HARRY
I’m not sure I-
DOB
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.
HARRY
Got it.
DAY 9
[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]
HERMIONE
Dumbledore, it’s not fair.
DOB
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, ‘Mione.
HARRY
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?
HERMIONE
This is ruining all of my plans!
DUMBLEDORE
I’m sorry, but there’s not much I can do. We’re short staffed, so I’m afraid I can’t offer Potions as a course this year.
DOB
Is that what we’re all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.
HERMIONE
I’m certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.
DUMBLEDORE
It’s out of my hands! I’m afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.
DOB
Yeah, that’ll do it.
HARRY
Could Snape double up on a class?
RON
Or couldn’t we cut one of the other courses?
HERMIONE
It’s because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn’t he?
DOB
Who’s Slughorn?
HARRY
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.
DOB
Hey, guys, who’s Slughorn?
RON
Good luck with that. He’s gone off to live with the Muggles, he’s in hiding.
HARRY
But we can find him… With Dumbledore’s help!
DOB
Alright fuck you guys.
DUMBLEDORE
It can be done. I can track him down… Do you think you children could convince him to come back?
HARRY
I’m positive!
DOB
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.
DAY 14
[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]
RON
This looks dangerous! What’ll we do, Harry?
HARRY
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can’t disapparate, there’s some kind of enchantment. We’re running out of options.
DOB
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, for fuck’s sake are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?
HARRY
Thank goodness you’re awake, we’ve got to-
DOB
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it’s a little early for your shit, know what I mean?
HARRY
I apologize.
RON
It’s seven o’clock at night…
DOB
More like… stupid o‘cock at… at all over your face, and there’s… Oh go fuck yourself, Ron, no one’s talking to you.
[HARRY nods in agreement.]
DOB
Alright, I’ll get us out of this. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, let’s think about this. Fuck. We can’t use magic, Hermione’s probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore’s wand for a reason I can’t immediately remember. We’ve got an army of Gollum’s happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron’s gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we’ll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever’s funnier. That guy’s the worst.
HARRY
We can’t! And those aren’t Gollums, you’re confusing franchises again.
DOB
What? Bullshit those aren’t Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?
HARRY
I’m telling you, that’s not-
SMEAGOL
I would like the precious…
DOB
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.
RON
What would that even-
[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]
DOB
Swish! I’m the best.
DAY 17
[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]
RON
It’s so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.
DOB
Uh huh.
HARRY
And I’m in love with Ron’s sister, but I don’t know how she feels about me, and I don’t know what that would do to our friendship.
SOME OTHER KID
My word, these are tricky situations!
DOB
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.
RON
That’s just a rumor, where did you hear it?
DOB
I forget, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione in my car last night. We’re getting off topic here, the point is Harry’s sad about some bullshit or whatever.
DUMBLEDORE
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron’s unfortunate toilet situation.
RON
It’s not-
DOB
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it’s awful.
DAY 20
[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-HUMPING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]
HARRY
Ron! What’s wrong?
RON
[Coughing.]
This… wine is… poison.
HARRY
No!
DOB
Poison?
RON
Yes!
DOB
Deadly?
RON
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.
DOB
Moving it slow?
RON
[The life draining.]
Yeah… I guess.
DOB
Lookin’ for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?
RON
[Turning blue.]
…what?
HARRY
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we’ll save you, Ron. We’ve got to do something, quick!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
I’ll call the authorities.
DOB
Let’s cure it ’cause we’re runnin’ outta time!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It’ll be alright, Ron, we’ll get through this.
HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!
DOB
Oh, I know!
HARRY
How do you know?
DOB
Me and the crew used to do her! Bam!
HARRY
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.
DOB
Eh.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Who could have done this?
HARRY
The one whose name we dare not speak, I’m sure he was behind it.
DOB
I may have an idea.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Or it could’ve been Draco! He’s always had it out for Ron.
HARRY
Oh, fucking Draco, that’s right, it was probably him, too.
DOB
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
He hasn’t much time left!
HARRY
Hang in there, buddy.
DOB
-you should never trust a big butt and a-
HARRY AND SLUGHORN
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
DOB
P-P-P-P-Poison!
This entry was posted on Friday, July 17th, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Harry Potter, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 7th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
doppelheathen you’re retarded.
October 31st, 2009 at 1:09 am
I didn’t laugh once.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I don’t think I’ve laughed harder on the internet.
October 24th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
damn DOB, you’re hott
October 24th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Because I took a shit in the sorting hat.
LMFAO OH GOD THIS MADE MY DAYYY
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:18 am
“Hermione’s probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore’s wand for a reason I can’t immediately remember.”
LOL
October 21st, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Oh, that was good… I finally lost it at “Lookin’ for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?” Classic.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:15 am
So much win that it hurts to read it, but the good kind of hurt.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
besides the hilarity ….you’re looking hot in those pics
October 18th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Really funny shit too bad their is some sort of a war goin’ on down in the comments haha… what’s new anyway?
October 17th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I heard Ron cries when he poops. Nice.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:41 am
my Hogwarts fantasies actually involve more of a me+Luna Lovegood+Ginny Weasly kinda thing
October 15th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Will you please make a sequel article to this?
October 11th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Seriously, who hasn`t thought of boning hermione?
September 20th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
What Brandon said… Can’t put it any better.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Funniest article on cracked. Or at least the funniest article that mixes hard wizard drugs with boning Hermione.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Harry Potter - The worst kind of lesbian
xD This article’s perfect, I want that ‘Why so Sirius?’ Tee unfortunately…
August 24th, 2009 at 7:47 am
this article’s fucking hilarious
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:38 pm
I almost cried at the Bel Biv DeVoe joke. Funny shit DOB
August 22nd, 2009 at 5:25 am
This is so funny. I love the pictures of you badly photoshopped in.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:19 am
WHY SO SIRIUS?
I actually want that as a tee.
August 18th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Oh my god i actually started crying when I read “Ron cries when he poops”. Holy crap that was funny.
August 15th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
God. We can work some magic with our wands anytime, DOB. You’re HOT!
August 13th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
thats some fuuny shit….
but snape was already the potions teacher…
damn y do i kno that….
August 13th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
yeah you know what they say about quite girls…
August 12th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
@ chris Actually, Luna Lovegood’s where it’s at…a geek’s a freak once you get her in bed
August 11th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Not sure what the point of this article was, but i don’t care!
August 11th, 2009 at 7:34 am
I want to bone Hermione…….. C’MON! Admit it guys.
August 10th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
This was so funny.
They totally should make a Harry Potter spoof just like this. If they made a movie like this, it’d be so fucking funny.
August 9th, 2009 at 5:07 am
That… was surreal. And the best fucking thing I’ve ever read.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I decided to read this article in my living room while my roomates watched a movie. I laughed so hard I cried and my roomates thought I was on crack. Which is kind of ironic…..’cause I kind of was. I love DOB.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:20 am
BOOM this is just what I needed.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Slam Fucking Dunk of an article here.
August 5th, 2009 at 7:59 am
I thoroughly enjoyed the article, very funny and absurd, if lacking in cleverness. But damn, the negativity at the bottom is what gets me, I’ll make sure and avoid the comment section from here on out. Love your shit DOB.
I mean really? They’re talking about televisions and shit? What does that have to do with Harry Potter, other than you can watch it on a television. Alright, I’m through. Keep up the good work.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
The joke is that DOB’s obscenity does not fit in the Harry Potter world!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:38 am
@James
It’s a joke. No one is that big of a douche. Except maybe the French.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Hello everyone,
I found a great dating site______MillionaireCupid.org_____
The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..
what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
@development_arrested: You’re a fucking idiot. Just be quiet, PLEASE.
August 1st, 2009 at 9:55 pm
P-P-P-PPoison! XD!!
August 1st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Make lots of jokes about Hermionie being hot. Predictable.
Insult Ron a lot. Predictable.
How long did this take you think up? Five seconds?
August 1st, 2009 at 11:55 am
“Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?”
That was the highlight of the article fr me. XD Other than that… I agree with SV
August 1st, 2009 at 11:08 am
To everyone pissing themselves over the “why so Sirius” line… that has been around forever. Hardly DOB’s invention.
That said, this article is incredibly poor. I’m surprised it was even published.
August 1st, 2009 at 6:50 am
@ development_arrested: So the Americans gave us television? I’m pretty sure John Logie Baird would argue - he lived a large chunk of his life in Southern England and was Scottish by birth.
July 31st, 2009 at 10:50 pm
This is my favorite article on the entire site. Funniest shit ever.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:45 am
Pretty funny, in it’s own way. Those little goblin fuckers really do look like unnamed spawns of Gollum.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Hmm, viciously raping and conquering primitive natives for selfish benefit…who does that sound like? One generation of American settlers? Or hundreds and hundreds of years of violent European expansionism (remind me again who Ghandi was protesting? Oh, right, the British)? I think the latter sounds a bit better to me. But if war isn’t a substantial enough example I understand; violence doesn’t necessarily prove idealogical superiority. However, we did give the world television, radio, electricity, cars, planes, the missionary position, and Megan Fox. Oh, yeah, and the computer and internet connection that you’re using to dole out your incredibly witty gay jokes? You can thank America for that, too, bud. And you’re SO right about Obama; he’s much more moronic than…um…oh, no, no one knows the name of your Prime Minister since Tony Blaire retired! Don’t fret, though; I’m sure your country’s better qualities will shine through as glorious shield of light against my pigheaded American lies. Such as your awesome….tea. And crumpets.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
I don’t comment here much but this was worth fucking while…
July 30th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Shite, inferno? Yes.
All things gay? Nope.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
And as the yanks realise they’re slowly plummeting the world into the deepest depths of shite/inferno/and all things gay (including development_arrested’s dads (plural intended)) We’ll all bow down to how they kicked our asses somehow after they stole a bunch of land and gold of some pre-civilised tribes of natives. It was pretty cool of them to hang back in WWII until the shit got brought to them, not like the rest of the world needed their involvment or anything… but they sure as hell now how to end a fight, drop a nuke or two on the funny looking ppl across the sea. And they continue to amaze as they get a president no smarter than that headless chicken everyone was talking bout. godbless the US of A.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:19 am
ha.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:17 am
@Simon Johnson
We kicked your ass in the Revolutionary War AND bailed your sorry butts out of WWII; I think we’ll decide what constitutes as English and whether or not it’s retarded and unnecessary to put a ‘u’ in the word ‘color’ (it is).
July 28th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
I am wondering if there is an easy way to find my soul mate or sexy partner! I find that it’s not difficult to find my Mr.right when I saw MillionaireCupid.org, There are many sexy beauties and wealthy singles on that dating site, U may have a try!
July 28th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
That was fantastic. And was that a KRS-one reference? My eyes orgasmed after reading that.
July 27th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Brillaint, DOB , Absolutely Brilliant !
July 26th, 2009 at 2:52 am
love your work DOB. abosolute gold.
and to Simon Johnson……. quite simply; you are a tool!
July 25th, 2009 at 12:26 am
I love Harry Potter but found this HILARIOUS.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
fan-fucking-tastic
July 24th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Dude fucking awesome. enough said
July 24th, 2009 at 10:05 am
WOW!! emma watson wardrobe malfunction
http://celebfry.com/emma_watson_underwear_photos.html
July 24th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Simon, Harry Potter as British/English Literature. Are you fucking insane? I hope someone strangles you with the chain attached to their monacle. I also hope you get hit by a double decker bus which leads to your drowning in the Thames.
Fucking Tolkien is yet to be considered classic English/British literature.
You dumb motherfucker, Chaucer, Shakespeare, Marlow, Lyly, kid, those authors have wrote classic British literature.
Now, DOB, this was fucking brilliant!
July 24th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Simon Johnson - ‘red, blue, green, yellow, purple, orange, turquoise, brown, maroon, pink etc…’
NO MAN SHOULD KNOW THE COLOURS TURQUOISE & MAROON
Also you do realise what website you are on? If you wanted a serious discussion about literature, go on The Paris Review site m’dear
July 24th, 2009 at 3:31 am
As someone from Britain, I’d like to clear it up that Simon is a fucking embarrassment to the whole country. (Y)
July 24th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Simon Johnson…. no wonder everyone thinks that the British are uptight arseholes, when we’ve got weirdos like you typing shit like that.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:49 pm
simon johnson…you know it’s a comedy article right? it’s clear you have a grip on the english language but perhaps now you should work on concepts like humour and artistic license. maybe also a crash course in human behaviour such as laughing and not being a pedantic wee pant.
good to see you haven’t taken the decline of the British Empire as some kind of personal chip on your shoulder and overcompensated by making pathetic claims to superiority due to the different ways in which you spell. well done sir, a tip of the cap to you.
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:58 pm
I want the Why so Sirius shirt and the Dumbledore dies shirt. Let us know when and where we can order them plese?
Also, I am in love with you.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
i thoroughly enjoyed this.
“why so sirius?”
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:48 am
Simon Johnson says, “Stop trying to interpret British literature.”
This is about Harry Potter.
Harry fucking Potter.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:14 am
I have a better knowledge of HP. $29K hands down. Why can’t we find it funny?
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:19 am
Well, a good try. But Harry Potter is set in the UK not USA you retard, we call them “counties” (not to be confused with “countries”) not “states”. So that whole “15″ joke near the beginning, yeah, she’s only a year away from legal sex which would have worked as a joke waaaay better. Of course, if this “year” is set to follow the current film then she is already 16. Also, the images are not concurrent to a “year” at Hogwarts.
Stop trying to interpret British literature go back to learning how to spell. Not that you’ll ever learn English (despite the US saying it’s an English speaking nation).
Easy way to tell, spell the name for the word for the group of following items; red, blue, green, yellow, purple, orange, turquoise, brown, maroon, pink etc…
If that word DOES NOT contain a “U” then you are not speaking English. We spell that word as “colour”.
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:05 pm
this shit is cracking me up!
P-P-P-P-Poison!!!!!!!
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:46 am
Yikes, too much time, not enough good drugs.
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:22 am
too funny! lol you can’t trust a big butt and a smile!
July 21st, 2009 at 8:53 pm
LOLZ
July 21st, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Like a fool, I stopped reading cracked for a while. I decided to check out DOBs recent exploit to see if it was enough to bring me back…
Let me say, it was like fucking Natalie Portman to see if you wanna go back to being straight.
July 21st, 2009 at 4:38 pm
POISON!
Man, I love Bel Biv DeVoe. That was definately a nice touch at the end.
July 21st, 2009 at 11:25 am
the bitach who plays Hermione is 19, so legal… go crazy!
July 21st, 2009 at 10:27 am
you’re right, 15 is illegal in all states, everywhere. this was funny (=
July 21st, 2009 at 8:44 am
…There are no states in the UK. (Nitpicking, I know.)
But also, in your articles you know only seem to use three recurring jokes: your feigned stupidity, how hot all the chicks are and your dick. It’s getting old.
July 21st, 2009 at 7:39 am
I liked the “why so sirius?” tee
July 21st, 2009 at 7:15 am
the best part is the pic of him with the ‘dumbledore dies’ t shirt
HA
July 21st, 2009 at 4:09 am
The fuck is that? And yeah, there aren’t any states in the UK. That was the weirdest article I ever read…
July 21st, 2009 at 3:10 am
What the hell are the naysayers saying? This was comedy gold. almost as good as the one where Santa Clause says “Ho-ho-hopeless”. That was DOB, right? I hope so.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:49 am
There are no states in the UK.
July 20th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
@Big_G:
I love you.
July 20th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
LOL
July 20th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I have little to no knowledge of the wizard world. Still when getting the train to/from London I enjoy egging kids that want to find platfrom 9 3/4 on. The last time I was down there I may have caused a concussion. Fucking children, our future my bloody scrotum. I’d rather piss razor blades than allow a generation of people that regard JK Rowling as a great writer to inherit power over anything. Is there any brandy and morosity around here?
July 20th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
The Bell Biv Devoe made it for me.
Poison!
July 20th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Eh. This was pretty lame. Next time, try to go for clever instead of fuckass random.
July 20th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
That shit was HILARIOUS!!!! I didnt even think about “poison” until he said ‘lookin for a mellow fellow like devoe’… love that song
Oh yeah, the article was funny, I love DOB
July 20th, 2009 at 9:06 am
“HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!
DOB
Oh, I know!
HARRY
How do you know?
DOB
Me and the crew used to do her! Bam!”
What?
July 20th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Great for this guy! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Mmmm… Emma!
July 19th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
What can I say about this article? It wasn’t as awful as some readers out there are saying. But, it wasn’t DOB at his best either. So actually, for me it seemed like a rushed up article, with a great potential for good comedy but so many wasted opportunities. Didn’t laugh on this one, except for the “Why so Sirius?” t-shirt and the pooping joke.
I can’t say that DOB is a bad comedy writer, ’cause that would be a BIG FUCKIN’ lie. DOB is one of Cracked’s best writers, so it’s a shame that this year he hasn’t writen articles as funny as last year’s. Perhaps he could rewrite/revisite his webnovel “Bartender” and post it here at Cracked, in weekly chapters. Hell, I still can’t get enough of his “Fuck Weblog Awards” articles, or the good ol’ one “How to talk to cops”, or even when he insulted Miley Cirus; that’s the DOB I want to read here.
July 19th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Hey, has anyone mentioned the “Why so sirius” shirt yet? DOB is a genius for calling that his own.
Seriously, when is MAD going to launch a real site? Things are starting to get real sloppy around here.
July 19th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
IN my head, I’m picturing DOB doing the running-man, then some pop-n-lock, followed by the slow slide to the side move while he sings that.
But, given that he’s a white, goofy internet blogger who can’t dance - it’s really lame, which makes that much more hilarious.
July 19th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
The end got me. Random Bell Biv DeVoe bit was just the right level of silly and obnoxious retardedness.
The photo-shopped T-shirts were a nice touch also.
July 19th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Makes me think of the SNL skit with Lohan as Hermione, a STACKED Hermione, Id so hit that shit!
July 19th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
joepaper the spammer seams to have chosen the right place to put his spam. lol
July 19th, 2009 at 2:46 am
Hahah, way to stick it to Hermione, Id totally tap that.
July 19th, 2009 at 1:17 am
watch emma watson wardrobe malfunction
http://celebfry.com/emma_watson_underwear_photos.html
July 18th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Meh, it wasn’t as funny as your previous articles DOB. I know you can do better
July 18th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I love how you are in the pictures.
It makes me smile.
July 18th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
[HARRY nods in agreement]
July 18th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
That was really funny. Most of your stuff is though DOB. Thanks so much for that!
July 18th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
It was…eh. The only part where I laughed was when it said Ron cries when he poops.
July 18th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
HAHAHAHHA the shirt, Why So Sirius. hhahahahahahahaha
July 18th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Why so Sirius?
July 18th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
HAHAHAHAHA Ron cries when he poops!
July 18th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
HAHAHAHAHA Ron cries when he poops!
July 18th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
The only part that made me smile was the why so sirius shirt, but the rest was just…Boring
July 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am
My problem with this kind of stuff is that you rely on 3 gags, irreverant humor during serious situations, boning the female character jokes, and picking a dweeby character to have it out for. A bit formulaic. I would be surprised if you spent more than 15 minutes writing this. It was the same as the star trek one.
You’re still my favorite.
July 18th, 2009 at 11:03 am
fuckin awesome. loved when he told ron he can never trust a big butt and a smile, because you obviously cant
July 18th, 2009 at 10:32 am
FOR THE FIRST TIME DOB FAILED TO MAKE ME SMILE.
July 18th, 2009 at 10:15 am
That was… Not funny. You made up your own plot and then mades jokes about the plot (that you made up). I don’t see the humor in that. I’m not a Harry Potter fan, but at least try next time.
July 18th, 2009 at 9:53 am
We’ve got an army of Gollum’s happening right now.
made me laugh.
July 18th, 2009 at 9:21 am
tl, not enough funny; dr.
July 18th, 2009 at 9:00 am
If you’re shallow, obese, or merely looking for a quick fuck, I am N-O-T for you. Looking for friends whose company
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Email me stargazincdesign@gmail.com
xoxo
Lisa
July 18th, 2009 at 8:57 am
You know I didn’t…. Really feel like reading this one. By now i’m pretty sure we all have heard the same Harry Potter jokes.
July 18th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Epic Article.
July 18th, 2009 at 5:58 am
that why so sirius shirt is the funniest thing
July 18th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Ah I still love DOB articles. Seriously, its why i get up on saturdays.
July 18th, 2009 at 3:42 am
Its driving me out of my mind thats why its hard for me to find cant get her out of my head miss her kiss her love her your dead…my thoughts of Hermione as well though im actually a couple months younger….come on still.
July 18th, 2009 at 3:14 am
The funniest bit was the ‘why so sirius’ shirt. I could not stop laughing at that.
July 18th, 2009 at 2:38 am
DOB, you sir, are a dumbass.
July 18th, 2009 at 2:28 am
Worst self-insert Slashfic ever.
The Sirius T-shirt was awesome though.
July 18th, 2009 at 1:22 am
best story ever written. ever !!!! fuckin ever!!!
July 18th, 2009 at 1:22 am
The “Why So Sirius?” T-shirt made me laugh out loud- and that’s EXTREMELY rare. Good work, you.
July 18th, 2009 at 1:18 am
That was crap.
July 18th, 2009 at 1:17 am
FUDOB
July 18th, 2009 at 1:04 am
watch emma
http://www.celebfry.com/emma_watson_underwear_photos.html
July 18th, 2009 at 12:06 am
it was like there was a script for ‘DOB’ and one for everyone else.
next time be less gay and drunk when you publish an article
July 17th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
“Dr Wizard” = Epic win
July 17th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
It really isn’t one of his best but it still beats a bunch of his recent work.
I’m still holding out for some articles like his work a year back.
Fingers crossed.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
What the fuck was that shit.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Usually, I LOVE DOB’s articles, but this was really just one of his worst works. It’s almost as if he was so disgusted with being asked to write about harry potter he wasn’t even trying.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Fantastic.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
normally I like DOB but you can tell he wasn’t even trying here.
not cool, man.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
it had me dying
July 17th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
loved how you found a way to connect 90’s new jack with harry potter. Never though it could be done and yet you found a way. One of the many reasons why i love you.
Bel Biv Devoe’s Poison is definitely one of my favorites songs
July 17th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Man, that was awesome, but it ended way too soon.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
This article was amazing, until it got to the part about Bel Biv Devoe, during which time the article became legendary. Honestly, if Harry Potter had “Poison”, it would be the greatest movie of all time.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
totaly want that sirius shirt!
July 17th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
if harry potter was like this i would watch once a day
July 17th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Hilarious, thought I can not condone injuring my Ronners. Sexy gingers forever.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
“I heard Ron cries when he poops”
DOB, you are my hero.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Yeah this was a good one.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
1. “you look like the worst kind of lesbian.” = quote of the week
2. sirius shirt was fucken awesome
3. anyone disturbed by the obama thing shud not be on cracked
4. OF COURSE DOB IS A PEDOPHILE. what are you all, idiots?!
5. i would fuck him JUST because of this article. seriously. no joke. go DOB(:
July 17th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Oh my god lol I can’t wait to see this movie XD and now I’m never going to be able to take it seriously great job though =D
July 17th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
“What is your problem, guy?”…loved it….totally too short cause I couldn’t read more. I’m about to see this movie and I’ll be thinking of this article the whole time.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
[HARRY nods in agreement]
July 17th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I like how you inserted yourself in the picture. Good article.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Oh Jeez, if it wasn’t because I’m already married I’d fuck you until you passed out.
Hilarious.
July 17th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
The “army of Gollums” section = THANK YOU. That’s all I could think about when I saw this movie. Which only made that part creepier. I think that if the line about which one of the pygmies wants the precious was thrown in there it would make that scene even better.
July 17th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
idk about you guys, but i cried thru the whole thing. the whole thing. abosolutely hilarious
July 17th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Emma Watson Wardrobe Malfunction photos
http://celebfry.com/harry_potter_half_blood_prince.html
July 17th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
The point that he comes off as such an asshole is why it’s funny. It’s a frat boy trying to fit in at Hogwarts.
Genius.
July 17th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
That’s the thing with first impressions, JohnZ. You only get to make one.
This article kicked ass.
July 17th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
this was so not funny
July 17th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
too short:<
July 17th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
but why isnt it longer???
July 17th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
You know, for the longest time I browsed Cracked, silent and completely content. You get the honour of my first comment. Why? Because this article was a total piece of shit. It’s ridiculously immature and not even slightly clever. I didn’t smile once throughout the whole thing.
And you’re ugly. Fuck you and stop writing articles forever.
July 17th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
DOB I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. this is actually PURE gold and the best thing ever. you are the greatest, and no worries, emma watson is totally legal
July 17th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
The Bel Biv Devoe reference made this article.
Genius!
July 17th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Now this movie will never be good for me, because I just know that I would rather see this put on repeat for about the rest of my life.
July 17th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
that was the biggest load of crap i have ever read hogwarts is much gayer
July 17th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
“My Brief Time at Cracked cause my Uncle got me the job.”
Fixed DOB
July 17th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
No matter how funny this is, it’s still fanfiction with the writer written in as a character. This depresses me.
July 17th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
ROFL this was hilarious all the way through.
July 17th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
perfect
July 17th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
The internet = a place full of opinions… that for some reason, no one ever cares about and then said people say you shouldn’t post the aforementioned opinion because they thought other people might want to know their opinion, but the people who don’t like the opinion say ‘it doesn’t matter, you’re opinion is nothing. Just shut the fuck up and stay off the internet.’ Sorry. I just get really annoyed when i see someone do that thing, saw it a little while ago on someone’s blog.
Back this Post, haha, nice, until the very end, it got really weak there : (
July 17th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Hmm, I believe it could have used a tad more DOB, and less Harry.
July 17th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
weak. What’s with all this Harry Potter crap? Didn’t Chris Butthole write one on Quiddich earlier in the week? Do something funny guys.
July 17th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
i liked the childish. Very funnah, DOB. keep it up.
July 17th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
man, i usually love your stuff, but this one was shitty.
July 17th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Something I’ve noticed on the internet; your opinion never matters and there’s always going to be some asshole waiting to contradict you. But I actually loved this and I’m glad I took the time to read it.
July 17th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
This was effing hilarious. Kudos on the job well done, DOB.
And now Poison is stuck in my head.
July 17th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Eh. A bit too childish.
July 17th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Not bad, I guess. Too childish to be really funny.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
HYSTERICAL until the end.
Harry Potter can suck my balls the plot is so basic and retarded. the new movie made me eyes and ears vomit into my mouth, which made me vomit all over everyone in the theater, which in turn made them vomit. Harry Potter = partially digested food and stomach acid.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
So funny…
“[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]“
July 17th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
“Give those little bastards the precious.”
I LOL’d.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
“Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?”
roflmao
DOB, you’re the man. But I remember that part in the book. That shit scared the piss out of me. I mean, fucking ZOMBIES. In a KID’S BOOK. That want to DROWN YOU. I mean, that’s 2 of the worst ways to die combined!
July 17th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
lmao, great article.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
When I see the movie, I’ll be looking for you in the scenes, DOB.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
So DOB is lame enough to be full of lose and fail. No surprises there.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I FUCKING LOVE DOB!
ALSO, CAPS-LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME!
July 17th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
“I’d usually give DOB a point over Gladstone, but they’re both full of lose, except they fill each other on a nightly basis.”
Fail, not lose. Fuckwit.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
“Why so Sirius?”
That is gold.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Well, that was f*cked up. I agree with flatscan here, the only funny thing was the “Why so Sirius” T-Shirt.
¬.¬
July 17th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
“Cracked, written by a bunch of gay homos. Idiots.” Redundant AND unintentionally hilarious!
July 17th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
the exact same thing you did with Star Trek, but at the exact opposite end of the humor spectrum
July 17th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Oh man… this was one of the best ones ever. I have so much faith in DOB as a writer that I could rape somebody.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
About the only thing funny in this was the “Why so Sirius?” shirt. Other than that it was even more retarded than DOB’s usual BS waste of energy. Why are Cracked’s staff writers so lame? I’d usually give DOB a point over Gladstone, but they’re both full of lose, except they fill each other on a nightly basis. Cracked, written by a bunch of gay homos. Idiots.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Fucking brilliant. I love the Poison lyrics part.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:25 am
DUDE… Did you really just break out “Poison” in a Cracked article?
I… I really don’t have the words.
Oh, yeah I do; “Why So Sirius?”
July 17th, 2009 at 11:21 am
BBD ref– fucking hilarious.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:20 am
“Me and the crew used to do her!”
…Was that an obscure Jason Mraz reference? Holy fuck.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:07 am
harry potters rocks!!
http://celebfry.com/harry_potter_half_blood_prince.html
July 17th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I was thinking Jesus Juice during that last scene. Old man, boys, alcohol. You get the picture.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:58 am
So Daniel O’Brien is a pedophile? Who knew?
Weird article.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:58 am
“This is the crew at Hogwarts reminding you to never trust a big butt and a smile.”
“Now we know!”
“And knowing is half the battle!”
Haaarrry Pooootteeeerrrr!
July 17th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Goddamn it, that was great. And I siriusly (pun intended) want that shirt.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Bender_Is_Great:
Maybe next time?
July 17th, 2009 at 10:45 am
“You look like the worst kind of lesbian”, priceless!
July 17th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Eric: why were you disturbed by the Obama children kidnapping one? What kind of a brain dead pussy are you?
July 17th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Come on, you make the “Why So Sirius” joke, which I’m sure everyone and their mother was making last summer, but you don’t make any kind of DOB/Dobby joke? For shame.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Props for the random BBD reference (which I wonder how many people actually got… don’t know what you fanbase’s ages are) and the Why So Sirius shirt is actually kinda awesome,
but overall meh.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:28 am
It must be amazing to be Dan O’Brien; he actually gets paid to write things like this. Not that it wasn’t funny, it’s just that…you can tell he would keep writing things like this even if he didn’t get paid.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Awesome article!
I’ve found that your posts are hit-or-miss. For example, I really liked your Gatsby storyline, though I was a bit disturbed by the tips on how to kidnap the Obama children.
This one, however, was most definitely a hit. I loved it.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:49 am
this article was absolutly hilarious. I loved the shirts. great job DOB
July 17th, 2009 at 9:48 am
WHY SO SIRIUS?
July 17th, 2009 at 9:47 am
I would like to say that I claim dibs on “Dr. Wizard” for any work of fiction I decide to do.
Also, You’re the shit, DOB.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I’m actually posting here for the first time to say that this was fucking hilarious. The Bell-Biv-DeVoe killed it
July 17th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Seriously, DOB, if you ever decide to take a young, red headed, busty bride, I’m right here. This was SO full of win.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I laughed SO hard at the “Why so Sirius?” shirt.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Amazing.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:17 am
this just made me 10 times happier than i’ve been all week
July 17th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Oh, thank god. I was getting worried, since there seemed to be updates by DOB more often than this…
July 17th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Awesome.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:00 am
This was just unbelievably hilarious. Only one disappointment (an extremely minor one); in a Harry Potter related article written by DOB, there was no incredibly hilarious encounter involving DOB and Dobby.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Dude, you had me at “fifteen is still illegal,” but when you started doing “Poison?”
You are the New American Jesus, DOB.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:51 am
This sient leard of the rings
Smeaugul:
Lmao
July 17th, 2009 at 8:50 am
I haven’t read this yet, but I can tell this is going to end badly.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:47 am
just in case somenoe missed it - DUMBLEDORE DIES
July 17th, 2009 at 8:43 am
DOB– You erected my meat (but not in a gay way).
July 17th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Well played, much like a game of muggle Quidditch.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:26 am
This is probably the funniest thing I have ever read, ever.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:16 am
The “Why So Sirius” shirt wins so hard. Great article.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:12 am
watch emma
http://www.celebfry.com/emma_watson_underwear_photos.html
July 17th, 2009 at 8:12 am
watch emma watson wardrobe malunction
celebfry.com/emma_watson_underwear_photos.html
July 17th, 2009 at 8:02 am
“*Harry nods in agreement*”
You are CORRECT, sir!!!
July 17th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Oh DOB, you’re probably one of the best writers on the entire inter-webs. Keep up the good work.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:00 am
SMEAGOL!
DOB wins, I think.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Best part was DOB’s shirt: ‘Why So Sirius’
July 17th, 2009 at 7:54 am
I’m confused, is DOB a genius or just a closet Potter fan using this to further his sick fantasy… On one hand he’s clearly watched the movie with a passionate eye, on the other hand he’s being sarcastic… but is he sarcastic enough to completely make fun of the movie or just some of the characters he feels scorned by…
Something’s not right here, I’m watching you DOB.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Oh Ronald you crazy chap. Lick my taint you dirty faggots.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:42 am
That was one of the funniest things I have read in awhile…thanks for filling my glum morning with laughs!
July 17th, 2009 at 7:40 am
This isn’t math, its comedy. You don’t have to follow the same formula every single time.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Well done sir, you have finally correctly corrupted Harry Potter. Delicious.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:35 am
I don’t know why I doubt you DOB, cuz everytime time I do, BAM!! You kick me in the balls with the ever expanding joy of articles like these. Bravo man, bravo.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Brilliant. Just brilliant. And Bel Biv Devoe does offer good advice. Never trust a big butt and a smile. Ron’s a fucking idiot for not realizing it.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:28 am
I dislike Ron
>:(
haha
emma watson is hot.
July 17th, 2009 at 6:43 am
That was excellent, thought my one issue was it would have been better at the end if you kept harry and slughorn as they were before, straight up, no swearing, and so forth. That would have made then end better right up to the last line. BAM!
July 17th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Hilarious! I almost choked on my pop-tarts when I saw the Gollum part… Fantastic as always, DOB!
July 17th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Ahh this is great stuff. This should be in every Harry Potter’s movie.
July 17th, 2009 at 5:25 am
Yeah! Fuck Ron!
July 17th, 2009 at 5:23 am
Who killed Ron? In my opinion DOB. Ron’s a prat and with him out of the way it’s less competition over Hermione. Course DOB would be really useful to have in the Gollum situation. You can always count on him to have alcohol on him and with it and a lighter….instant firebomb.
July 17th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Hermione, Dakota Fanning, Miley Cirus……cant wait till they all turn 15……IM ONN THAT SHYT! num num num num
July 17th, 2009 at 5:10 am
lol Great stuff sir. Keep it coming!
July 17th, 2009 at 4:57 am
I love you, DOB
July 17th, 2009 at 4:37 am
very very funny hahah well done sir.
where can i buy that sirius shirt
July 17th, 2009 at 4:35 am
okay I admit it I laughed - funny as always DOB
July 17th, 2009 at 4:23 am
Oh my God, that was awesome.
Kudos to you, DOB.
July 17th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Well, there go the few good memories that remained of my childhood
July 17th, 2009 at 4:15 am
That why so Sirius shirt, that was awesome.
Also me and my crew used to do her.
July 17th, 2009 at 4:14 am
aww…. crap…… i wasnt the first comment
July 17th, 2009 at 4:14 am
First COMMENT!!! AWESOME WORK! DOB is the most annoying character ive EVER heard of!!!
July 17th, 2009 at 4:10 am
Holy hell, that was hilarious. I was laughing out loud through practically all of this, amazing as usual, DOB.
July 17th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Please check out _____Meet Wea lthy com_____ The #1 dating club for seeking the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. I heard of that Michael Jackson has an account there. On that site there are many his fans who always chat about this handsome man.
July 17th, 2009 at 4:03 am
Straight up comedy gold right there