Cracked Columnists

Maggie Gyllenhaal NOT In A Lesbian Orgy (But Kind Of! But Mostly Not.)

While browsing Google News yesterday, I suddenly came upon the headline "Maggie Gyllenhaal in Lesbian Orgy." Needless to say, that's the type of link I usually see while browsing certain other websites, so I was intrigued enough to click.

Ultimately, it was just a short film she made for "Speechless", a campaign supporting the writers' strike, and featured no nudity whatsoever.

And while I still managed to masturbate to the video several times, I have to say I was disappointed with the overall quality. It made it painfully clear that the writers are on strike, not through its own will, but simply by the fact that it felt like the plot had been conceived and written by a chimp on a bender.

In the vid, three women all arrive at an apartment for a date with (gasp!) the same man, AMPiTePa (get it?), who they then bag on for being selfish and arrogant. Then they bone. Then a pizza girl comes and presumably joins them. Oh, I see. I should support the writers.

A brief aside: I hate it when snide, jaded Internet writers say petty, mean things about celebrities, who after all are people too, and have feelings and self-images capable of being damaged. So it is with the utmost self-loathing that I hypocritically point out that Maggie Gyllenhaal is less than attractive in this video.

I only bring it up because I have been attracted to her in the past, and in this video there is a moment where she awkwardly smiles at another girl in an elevator and her cheeks balloon to the size of frightened blowfish. Perhaps the people who make her pretty are on strike as well; who knows.

But getting back to the writing, I find it a bit of a slap in the face to have it thought that I need dialogue and symbolism as transparent as this to get the point. Im assuming the lesbian orgy bit was thrown in at the end because they worried about my minuscule attention span drifting if I didnt have the promise of sex to look forward to.

Ever eager to scab, here are some brief outlines for more installments of the Speechless campaign that I feel capture the key elements theyre looking for:

  • Joan Cusacks abusive husband John Producer is drunk again, but things are put to rights when a squad of sexy lady policewomen arrive and bang away her tears.
  • Kirsten Dunst is found raped and murdered in the basement of the AMPTP building, and only the oral ministrations of a lesbian shaman can raise her.
  • Jennifer Connelly is forced to go ass to ass for heroin at an AMPTP company summit. (This one is especially easy to produce, as it just requires some creative re-editing and voiceover work).

    • If you or your organization are morons and would like to pay me to think for you, please leave your credit card information in the comments section below.

    When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes lesbian orgy videos as head writer and con-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!