Dear Everyone,
Okay, let me start off by saying that I’ve never done this before because, in the past, it hasn’t been an issue. I’ve never had to actually respond to the letters that get sent to me. For all the years I’ve been doing this (delivering presents and whatnot), the process has been fairly simple: Folks write me letters explaining what they want- If you’re good, you get what you ask for. If you’re a dipshit, I find something in your house that looks important, and then I poop on it.
This is Santa Law, and has been for centuries.
But this year? Frankly, Santa’s a little beside himself. Time was, you folks would ask for toys, video games, clothing, that sort of thing. Nothing I couldn’t take care of. But I just got my latest batch of letters in and, to be honest, I don’t know how I’m going to handle Christmas this time around. I am truly at a loss this year. Let’s take a look at what I’m working with, shall we?
I like getting letters that say “Santa, I want a skateboard.” Wanna know why? Because Santa can make a skateboard. Santa can make a skateboard in his goddamn sleep, okay? Dolls, too, and video games. You ask for them, and that shit will be under your tree in the morning, you feel me? Bam! Santa’s your hero.
But, seriously, what the hell am I supposed to do this year? Just about every letter is like this.
I remember the year Tickle-Me-Elmo’s were big. The elves were all pissed off because, after making so many dolls, their fingers were stained red with the dye. That used to be our biggest problem. Red dye. And now I have to worry about some bastard’s house and the stability of Little Susie McWhogivesashit’s family? Did I miss something? When the hell did Santa become God? For real, no, somebody tell me, because I wanna know.
Here, this next one, too, check this out. It starts out pretty good…
Did you see that? Totally blindsided me with that recession stuff. I started reading it and I’m all “Oh, cool, this kid’s gonna ask for a blue baseball or whatever,” and then wham, I get hit with recession issues.
I don’t even know what caused these problems, but the letters just get worse and worse. What the hell do I do? The kid asks me to reverse the economic recession, but all I know how to do is hand out Xboxes. Will that fix it? Santa doesn’t know much about finances, because Santa didn’t go to college. It’s a friggin’ miracle I can read.
Can you fucking believe that? That kid didn’t even sign it. No return address, nothing. That shit just showed up at my house one day. What am I supposed to do with that? Unless a Tamagotchi is going to clear everything up and make that kid’s pain go away, Santa is out of his league.
Here’s the one, I just got this yesterday.
Santa cannot have that on his conscience.
Let’s get something straight: Santa delivers toys. That is what he motherfucking does, okay? I really don’t think I should be responsible for solving a problem that, frankly, you assholes got yourselves into in the first place. That is just not on Santa’s to-do list. Your economy’s screwed up? That’s on you, that’s your thing, and unless you want, like, a Cabbage Patch Something-or-other or a Magic Pony that backflips or whatever, do not write letters to me. Fix your own damn economy, and call Santa when you want a Furby. I’m getting too old for this shit.
Up Yours,
Santa Claus.
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November 20th, 2009 at 8:22 am
dear santa what i want for christmas nintendo ds play station 1 2 and 3 and a cell phone love rodney
October 24th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Dear santa….my name is Rebbie in I am 16 aand a single mom with twins and I was wondering if you can help us out with some toys and clothing for christmas my twin where a size 3t and I wear a size 12 and pants and a extra large in shirts women size and a size 2t coat for my twins its a boy in a girl and a extra large coat for me it reallly dont matter what u give us i just hope u give use something ……………thank you so much santa love Rebbie I stay with my grandma so you can send it there she live at 31 dogwood ct in calumet city thank you bye
October 24th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
you can reach me at 14101 s atlantic ave Riverdale ill my phon nub is 1708-825-3883 to reach me
October 24th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Dear santa…… Im a single mom with four kids I recently lose ever thing in a fire I have two sets of twins ages 16 in 2years old I am on a fixed income and I cannot afford my kids nothing for christmas can you please help me? and my kids to have a nice christmas. both of my twin daughters wear the same size in that is a 12/13 in jeans and a extra large in shirts and if you can a size 11 and a size 12 and women boots in my 2 years old wear a size 2t its a boy n a girl and some toys for the little ones in a coat 4 me a 5x I will really apreshate it thank you santa…… love always Reanetta ashley
April 15th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Now this is just a thought for Christmas ‘09. Seeing as we’re likely to continue our descent into tasty privation, and the soft comforts of despair, might you not consider these kinds of letters as requests for slightly more adult-oriented toys, that may help us flog our way towards a solution to our economic woes of delight? I’m speaking—of course—of light arms, and small caliber munitions.
Simply read every request for economic salvation as a plea for a Colt 45, or semi-automatic handgun, or a—uh… well, whatever (guns aren’t really my thing, I’m more of a WMD kind of guy), and make the drop. With everyone well-armed, the solution will be found in NO time!
(And hospitals will be pleased; what with all the organs and plasma they’ll be overstocked with.)
((And we’ll load it, and lock it, and fire true, and we’ll have the BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!))
February 17th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Ah… that is so hilarious…
January 24th, 2009 at 11:36 am
That was hilarious, those letters are terrible
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Alright, I’m a bit late- but this is fucking hilarious and sick
Perfect combo!
January 18th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
fuck you dumb basterd you fake motherfucker you need to choak on a fucking cock and die you fat cocksucker you cum cwad and i will shoot your fucking raindeer out of the sky if i see them
up yours nigger
January 1st, 2009 at 8:31 pm
@cratey-
i’d revolt if it weren’t for the free stuff.
December 30th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Hey Josie,
How did you know i have a 16 year old sister? Btw, she knows that i “burn” , along with the rest of my family and all my friends and coworkers… thought it was time to let the internet know
Thanks for lookin out for me though
December 29th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I’d like to point out that this post is called “Letters from Santa” but it appears to be a single letter from Santa. However, contained therein are a bunch of letters TO him…
December 28th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Sorry Santa. Sorry kids. Life is hard.
December 28th, 2008 at 8:20 am
@ rsfa131286, oh my god you’re right! The man is a puppy-destroying monster! He’s probably got a whole bunch of puppies lined up with chains around their ankles and little wooden bowls of matches between their paws, shivering in the snow in fucking Finland or wherever while the elves laugh from their high windows and throw caviar and goose liver pate at them.
I can’t bear it any more.
December 26th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
[...] letters to santa from many many children in this world [...]
December 26th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Had me laughing loudly from sentence 1
December 25th, 2008 at 6:43 am
I don’t have a car, remember? Otherwise it would be my home and I wouldn’t be homeless. And thank you for bringing that up instead of Tech. Christmas exists after all.
December 25th, 2008 at 5:34 am
Wow. Those letters were pretty depressing.
December 25th, 2008 at 3:41 am
@cratey-
it’s not my fault. blame santa.
December 25th, 2008 at 2:52 am
Well I wasn’t going to say anything but I believe some of that elephant poop probably fell off of you on to my car also.
41-30 rings a bell for some reason.
December 25th, 2008 at 2:44 am
Why not do both?
Oh yeah, by the way ANDY PANTS IS BACK BITCHES!
December 24th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Thanks for cluing people in on that and fucking up my tips, Josie. Like fresh-smelling homeless people are gonna make dey snaps. Bitches; I swear.
Glendoor, that spot was some elephant poop on your Auburn bumper sticker from when the tide rolled over y’all. I thought you might want to keep it as a souvenir.
December 24th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
@Shana..Hi! Yes, J-Pappi cleared it all up..I know the whole sordid mess with Tom, Daniel and New Jersey. But I don’t tend to grasp things well on the whole. I re-read “blahdeblah” a couple of times now and I am still not sure whether to be offended or canonized..
@glendoor..while we’re on the J-Pappi vein..he talks alot of “poor me” crap, doesn’t he? He and I know I sent him”AXE” for Christmas..don’t be fooled..he has other sources of scent for his “sac” other than the soap at the men’s room in the library..ungrateful..hmmph.
December 24th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
hey… this is offtopic but if you want something new to write an article on look up http://www.clubpenguin.com i caught my friend playing it and thought someone on cracked should write about it. if you don’t want it tell someone else. merry christmas
December 24th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
@blahdeblah
Say what you want about me but don’t you accuse my mother of being human!
December 24th, 2008 at 4:22 am
Been wondering where you’ve been Andy Pants, but then again I have a lot of free time on my hands.
Welcome back asshole.
@ J-Pappi, Yeah, thanks for cleaning my windshield today at that intersection, when I was in Georgia today sorry I only had three cents to give you, but I wassn’t going to break that dollar and you missed a fucking spot anyway.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:07 am
Why not adopt him THEN have sex with him?
Oh yeah, ANDY PANTS IS BACK BITCHES!
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:32 pm
@people whining about fdkjslfksjl,
You know what they say: the closer to your target you’ve hit, the more flak you receive
Also, I find how funny it is how, when people label others a ‘troll’, everyone suddenly acts like the person who wrote it is actually a monster, and not an actual human being like your mother. Such desensitization. Such dehumanization. Maybe Jack Thompson was right about you people.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Epic, just plain EPIC
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:36 am
Jesus Fucking Nailholes! I leave the place for a few days and this is what I come back to? Get used to fried spam sandwiches, y’all, ’till the gas gets cut off and they get raw (and sometimes without bread or spam). Be glad you still have an internet connection. Me, I’m down at the library like the other homeless trying to keep warm. When I see some lucky fucker with a card get up before his time expires I type for a few minutes ’till it cuts me off. Thank Cthulu there’s some soap in the men’s room so I can wash my pits and ball sack when nobody’s looking.
Merry Christmas everyone!
December 23rd, 2008 at 7:34 am
@DOB
“Eat several dicks”
I just woke up everyone in my house because i could not stop laughing at that line.
You sir have made my day
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:15 am
Aloha Jimmy-Three-Balls (such a Gangsta name).
I’m right there with you and the psychologist from down under. I have felt bad personally for accusing him of being trollish, even though he was.
He made amends, of a sort.
But, Jim. Does all of the internet need know you were pinched for possession? You can let us know subtly you burn..you know..code. Your point was to relate you may have had a twin of DOB’s with you? Great. In the future..change the setting, maybe..”I thought I saw you, DOB at a yogurt shop.”
Trust me.
Don’t do it for me. Do it for your sixteen year old sister.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 pm
oii
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I have been reading cracked.com for some time now and just recently got my 16 year old sister addicted as well. That being said, my favorite aritcles are alwasy written by DOB. In fact, I was in court for possesion of marijuana and i swore another kid in the courtroom was DOB (White shirt, black tie, buzzed head).
I read the “Bunyip” Comment about the “smack-down on fdkjslfksjl” so i went back and read the whole thread… way to stand your ground DOB.
Also, respect for fdkjslfksjl for actually changing your view and admitting it. I think you pardoned yourself from your cock choking sentence.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Is it really that bad in america? It’s a recession everywhere but I’m not going to be struggling for food or internet or anything.
“I figure out that this whole shitstorm came from some libbie douchebags handing out loans to people who can’t pay them because of some fucked up sense of white guilt and I feel like strangling someone.”
Banks never give out loans out of guilt. They give them out of need for profit. That is essentially how they operate. That’s a huge mistake on your behalf. Can you see that?
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I laughed more the further I got thru the article….. whyyy?!
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:29 am
That’s totally not the situation, Josie. But, it did make me laugh a little, thanks.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:21 am
rsfa131286… stealing my puppy thunder eh? At least yours died quickly.
kingmonkey, that’s fine by me as long as it doesn’t mean next year’s Christmas movie will star Tom Cruise as Santa. The horror would be too. Much. To bear.
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:02 am
rsfa131286, didn’t you know thta Santa’s year-round job is as a Valkyrie, one of Odin’s choosers of the slain?
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:14 am
I think the most awesome parts of this whole article were the Tamogatchis and the Furbys. Oh man.
Well done. Very clever.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:06 am
my greatest christmas was when i was 13. i got a puppy.
my worst christmas was when i was 14.
my puppy got hit by a car.
why, santa? why?
December 21st, 2008 at 11:28 pm
That was one of the greatest things I’ve ever read in my life.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:07 pm
@ Shana.
I gotta tell ya..I feel a little provoked. I profess my love and then you, ungrateful ex-wife, throws the kid and the school play in my face? WTF? Let’s face it, sweetheart. We ALL know he’s at greengodess’ as we speak. We both lose. Not to mention all the other kittens out there on the prowl..
December 21st, 2008 at 9:29 pm
“You sound like 60 Minutes mixed with a depressed Norman Rockwell mixed with WhoGivesaShit giving a collegiate lecture on homelessness to an audience who came here to smile.”
Don’t you mean McWhoGivesaShit?
December 21st, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Dan- I think you should come visit Tom at school on Tuesday and say hi to me. Also, to watch him embarrass himself again. They’re probably going to make him dress in a Santa suit again.
December 21st, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Merry Christmas to all, and to all…A good night
December 21st, 2008 at 8:05 pm
And Dunkin Donuts has the best coffee on the planet.
December 21st, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Yay Dan! If you say you are from Massachusetts (I am), I will officially have a crush on you.
December 21st, 2008 at 7:21 pm
should have told sniper jesus. he would have fixed those kids up nice n good. they have heating in heaven rite…
December 21st, 2008 at 6:18 pm
I think that’s a great idea, Sergeant. I’m going to preemptively say that THIS Christmas is going to be my best ever. I moved 3,000 miles away a while ago, and I haven’t seen my family or the people I grew up with since. It’s been about 6 months of strange trees, tiny dogs and no Dunkin Donuts here in LA, and in a day or so I’ll be going back to see all those great folks that I miss. My mom called me up today to say that she was baking cookies.
(PS, I deleted “I Hate Niggers,” “Is Doing Great Really…,” and “1099,” because all three were the same person.)
December 21st, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I don’t know if Dan would would want me to do this, because I don’t want to hijack his comments, but because some of these comments have been a little depressing, but why doesn’t everyone list their worst and best Christmas or Holidays ever. Or not, I’m bored and really don’t want to clean the house because I have the inlaws coming tonite .
December 21st, 2008 at 2:39 pm
This is actually depressing. And the comments make it worse.
December 21st, 2008 at 1:06 pm
this is awesome. cause i wrote to santa about being poor years ago.
i also prayed. not to santa. to god, or…the other guy, i think.
neither works, so why not just laugh about it? it’s a comedy website, so…laugh if it’s funny, if it’s not to your taste, don’t.
i thought it was beyond hilarious- cause it’s true.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:49 am
Конкурс для блоггеров от DRUGREVENUE с призовым фондом в 3000 долларов, спешите
December 21st, 2008 at 7:01 am
This is high-larious.
It should have ended with Santa somehow helping Obama into office.
December 21st, 2008 at 6:00 am
I don’t give a damn about comments: this shit was hilarious and deserves 10/10!
Merry Xmas!
December 21st, 2008 at 5:13 am
Greetings,
I’m in Australia and have only been sporadically visiting cracked.com since I discovered it about 4months ago…but, fuck it is hilarious! Working with suicidal kids for a living aint easy, so it’s great to come on here between crisis calls and have a good laugh.
To a sheltered Aussie who avoids the news, all I’ve been hearing about is this “economic recession”. Reading people’s responses to this one article on a comedy site has given me more insight than any skewed news program on TV could have anyway. Sounds trite - but I am thinking of and sending my love to all of those suffering (which I now realise is way fucking more ppl than I thought).
Randomly… LOL @ the irony of Lamar’s comment, “God, I loathe judmental ppl”.
Also, DOB I think I’m a bit in love with you after reading your initial smack-down on fdkjslfksjl, and then your gracious response to his apology. Made the Psychologist in me happy to see, and the rest in me just a bit moist lol.
Speaking of my faggotry - you all say “choke on a dick” like it’s a bad thing. To that I say, “your loss!” lol! HOT.
Looking forward to more cracked goodness in ‘09!
Bunyip
December 21st, 2008 at 4:26 am
Many people are discussing it at wealthy dating club ___W e a l t h y B e a u t y . C O M___@@@. where the successful and affluent singles and hot girls and models to hook up for Hot Love, Flirt and Sexy Dating!@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
December 21st, 2008 at 3:39 am
haha that was a funny ass article. clever unique commentary on the shitty situation i really enjoyed it even though it was kind of morbid. so kudos to you for making my late night boredom worth while. oh yea FUCK A BAILOUT.
December 21st, 2008 at 2:35 am
What people seems to forget is EVERYONE is suffering.
My family used to be upper-middle thanks to my parent’s hard work and dedication. We were so far from ‘idle rich’ it’s not even funny.
Then my dad lost his job. Then my brother and I lost our college savings in the stock market. Then my parent’s retirements disappeared. Next is the house if we don’t get our shit together.
My mom has to be at work so often to pick up the slack that I’M about to be sacked from my job (which I got to help the family) for too much overtime, which stems from the fact that we can’t afford another car so i can get to and from work and school on time.
It’s damn near impossible to find a job anyways when you’re my age. Now it’s a hundred fold more difficult. I get fired, we’re done. I work minimum wage with a union that sucks 1/4th of my paycheck away to make sure their CEOs don’t feel a fucking thing in this crisis. That’s how bad it is.
I read in the news that our fucking party traitor of a president just let UAW and those retarded fucking companies have another crack at sucking us all dry and I can’t help but scream.
I figure out that this whole shitstorm came from some libbie douchebags handing out loans to people who can’t pay them because of some fucked up sense of white guilt and I feel like strangling someone.
Obama better have all those magical fucking powers people seem to believe he has or his ass is fucking grass. There /will/ be riots if he doesn’t fix this within the year.
I just looked at my paycheck. The UFCW is killing my family. 25 fucking bucks out of a 80$ pittance. And they’re getting more power whith this new president. FUCK.
December 21st, 2008 at 2:26 am
Ha Ha this is great I will tell you something I’m doing great because I wasn’t stupid and I have a real job that make’s real money not a pretend job that makes pretend money…..I will have to say that I have been about to buy another great house for next to nothing from the bank…..just keep those I risk loans coming and the wonderfully inflated housing prices will keep on fallen if the stupid government doesn’t keep bailing out all the morons…It’s a great world that we are in and my kids will continue to take advantage of the dumb and the weak……….
December 21st, 2008 at 12:24 am
fdkjslfksjl-
Never thought you were a troll, just someone who was misunderstanding the situation; we were coping, and you thought we were attacking, (which isn’t a completely unreasonable conclusion to jump to). I just wanted you to know we’re all in the same boat.
I appreciate your response, and I hope your job situation improves.
December 21st, 2008 at 12:20 am
lol funny article!
December 21st, 2008 at 12:15 am
DOB- “I’m one of the gutted whores–just like you”
I smell another potential Graphic novel
December 21st, 2008 at 12:09 am
DOB, I know when to admit I’m wrong. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume you can see my IP address. So you can take that number as evidence when I say I won’t troll you anymore. If I don’t get the context of a joke, I’ll just shut up about it.
To be honest, I guess I’m being a dick because my own job situation is so bleak. It was selfish to come over here and start pissing on a total stranger’s entertainment, provided free of charge. I’m done with it now.
But you other fuckers can keep fluffing me. I’m not ready for your filthy mothers yet. So go on, bitches, keep licking my big shiny troll cheeseburger.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
“DOB’s suffering to. He’s having to snort his cocaine off an average-class hooker’s ass! But he’s making fun because if you laugh you can’t cry. I’ll bet Jews in concentration camps in ww2 made jokes, because otherwise they were already dead. (and no, I won’t capitalize that because I’m not going to give that war that much dignity…but that’s a different rant…short version, respect soldiers, hate the war)” — Just billiant Aeolian. thank you.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
this is really sad……….
December 20th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Because in the end, aren’t we all gutted whores? And THAT, kiddies, is the true meaning of Christmas. Happy Holidays!
Props to Aeolian
December 20th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
fdkjslfksjl makes me sad. After reading his posts I had to reread all the letters because they make me happier than him. (or possibly her, I dunno)
First off, who the fuck do you think you are? Personally, I only barely have money for heat and food. Most people I know are worse off than me. I know a couple people with serious money, and they’re still getting hurt by the recession because the more money you’re used to having, the harder it is to adjust to having less.
DOB’s suffering to. He’s having to snort his cocaine off an average-class hooker’s ass! But he’s making fun because if you laugh you can’t cry. I’ll bet Jews in concentration camps in ww2 made jokes, because otherwise they were already dead. (and no, I won’t capitalize that because I’m not going to give that war that much dignity…but that’s a different rant…short version, respect soldiers, hate the war) This isn’t like gutting a hooker and making whore jokes while she bleeds…this is like millions of hookers performing mass suicide and one of them making jokes while they all die so that they can go out laughing. You, on the other hand, are like the one hooker on the edge of the crowd (who, by the way, has genital herpes and AIDs) saying “So I think we’ve lost about two pints of blood…we’ve got a while to go. Doesn’t the big hole in your belly hurt? Doesn’t it hurt like hell? Does for me. That bastard over there needs to shut up.” You think your farmer has it rough? Ha. Go into Chicago and look how many people are just out on the street. That number’s gonna grow, and those people will most likely die. Go stay with them. Maybe when they get hungry they can use you.
If you’re shot in the stomache, do you want somebody to give you some booze and make jokes comparing you to a crack dealer, or somebody to stick a finger in the bullethole and wiggle it around? Probably number two, you sick freak. Personally, if I got shot in the stomache, I’d want somebody to say “So, when you drink, will it come out of there? Like…like belly piss?” I’d laugh. Somehow, I feel sure you’d sue.
December 20th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
glendoor42: “Yes Vagina there is a Santa Claus.”
Eh…? No, I’m not even gonna ask.
December 20th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I think this fits into the category of “If you don’t laugh you’ll cry”.
For what it’s worth I enjoyed it, Dan.
December 20th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
*watch. I meant watch. FUCKING SPELLING BULLSHIT
December 20th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
I must have missed whathisfuck’s point. How is a gutted, bleeding whore unfunny? Like seriously, when did that become not funny?!
Also, Cracked.com has a strict policy against emo kids. Go cut yourself while you watching Sicko.
December 20th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
LOL. Just LOL.
December 20th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
fdkjslfksjl-
“That would be like gutting a hooker in town square, then telling a few whore jokes while she cried and bled out. It just isn’t funny.”
Okay, I understand what you think you’re trying to say, but you’re missing the point, because it sounds like you’re assuming the poor people are the only ones who suffer, when the truth is, we all do. The whore-gutting situation would only be comparable to our current economic shitstorm if I was responsible for the recession. I’m not one of the guys who slashed the whore and watched her bleed; I’m one of the gutted whores–just like you, just like a lot of the readers, and just like almost everyone else– and I’m handling it by telling jokes.
Because when someone lights the town on fire, and when you’re standing in the middle of the town square bleeding to death, laughing about it is one of the only sensible options you have left.
I’m not laughing at one group, Man. We’re all in this together.
December 20th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
@ glendoor: perhaps fdkjslfksjl is just upset because he’s got a horse in his bathroom…?
December 20th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
glendoor rocks. So does Dee-Oh-Bee (herein DOB). Frick..so does greengoddess, while we’re at it.
***
Alas, you can’t have a picnic without the ants - (in this case, a self-riteous, in-denial troll with clearly no formal education in netiquette.)
I admit to a certain perverse pleasure in watching, however, the verbal smooshing. SPLAT!
December 20th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
glendoor42 speaks the truth.
December 20th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
“That would be like gutting a hooker in town square, then telling a few whore jokes while she cried and bled out.”
Um. I really dont know about you, but I find that fucking -hilarious-.
December 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
[...] and give thanks to the world for inventing Christmas Humour. And the economic collapse. And stuff. “Santas” Letter can be found here. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I [...]
December 20th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
“The entire basis of the joke requires the audience to acknowledge good people whose lives are failing and to accept their suffering as humorous.”
No, the entire basis of the joke is acknowledging the fact that the entire countrys economy is in the the fucking tank. Most people are to shortsided or ignorant to realize how bad things are for everyone or are going to be, not just some poor farmer in Ill.
@Cratey and TJF588, DIRK GENTLY RULES.
@ Signe YOU ARE WRONG!! SANTA IS REAL!!!!! Or in otherwords….
Yes Vagina there is a Santa Claus.
December 20th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
The entire basis of the joke requires the audience to acknowledge good people whose lives are failing and to accept their suffering as humorous.
Getting mad and hurling insults is nothing. You can get that by sending a two-year-old to his room for misbehaving. But your annoyance is impotent; I called you out on mocking real human suffering, and you had no defense for it.
Yes, write it off as trolling. Annoying little troll! Oh no! But I’m not the only one here who thinks the article was over-the-top in a bad way. I’m just the only one rude enough to say so in terms even the dimmest among you can comprehend.
DOB - I respect your work. That’s why I called you out on this piece of shit article. You would probably do well as a writer for popular comedy TV or something, but you can’t write things that mock immediate and tangible pain. That would be like gutting a hooker in town square, then telling a few whore jokes while she cried and bled out. It just isn’t funny.
Okay, I’m done preaching.
December 20th, 2008 at 9:57 am
@ Cherlindrea: Ah well, it’s always nice to know me and my dead puppy can bring a tear to someone’s eye, even if it’s a tear of impending suicide.
@ TJF588: You - you just referenced Dirk Gently… in conjunction with Santa Claus…
Combined… awesomeness… too much… fingernails are melting from awesomeness over-exposure…
December 20th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Dear santa,
this year i have been good at school and with my family. I know i have been bad some times, but i truly love them.
Dad has been fired, mom isn’t working, and we are going to be homeless with my sister. Dad is becoming mad, and mom’s always crying.
A few months ago, granma left the house. Daddy said she went to a “better world” where she was happy.
Beloved santa, i want my family to be happy again, please give us something so we can go to that “better world”.
Timmy
_______________________
Holy fuck that’s depressing. Tears are coming.
fdkjslfksjl: this kind of humor is called cynicism. Reality is harsh and stupid. By this way DOB could express inner feelings of people who get hit by the current events.
Your description is only a bunch of false compassion brought by people who will complain about that stuff and never move a finger to solve it. That’s behavior has a word in scientific language: faggotry.
Truth is we won’t do much against that. We don’t have the means to change that. If the world is sinking, then we’re on it and will sink too.
One of the remaining things to do is to laugh at a world that’s going wrong.
December 20th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Dear Santa,
This Christmas, I would like a sense of humour for fdkjslfksjl.
December 20th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Fucking brilliant man. Great laugh, thank you.
December 20th, 2008 at 6:19 am
Another funny post by DOB… Oh by the way, there is no Santa. Sorry to break it to you. I’ve known this since I was a child.
And guys, remember, what all girls want is: What they cannot have.
xo
December 20th, 2008 at 6:10 am
Never dull. Never boring.
December 20th, 2008 at 6:05 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/letters-from-santa/ [...]
December 20th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Odin from Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
+
Scott Clavin from The Santa Clause
=
????
Answer: PROFIT!
December 20th, 2008 at 5:19 am
@ Shana - Nope…most of the time, my Tamagotchi was sitting in an entire screen of its own shit. Little crap factory…it’s getting me ready for any children that may come my way (god forbid).
@ fdkjslfksjl (troll that you are) - Go fuck yourself; this isn’t a soapbox and we’re not loyal sheep. The reason farms are going downhill is because the government is screwing the farmers by paying them only a pittance, then turning around and selling the crops for huge profits for themselves. When the farm isn’t worth much money, developers swoop in, pay the farmer less than what the land is worth, then build on it and profit.
You will find many more poor people in the larger cities of the US (New York, LA, Detroit, etc), but they don’t get the coverage that the smaller communities get, since those cities are more concerned with “Who is Paris Hilton fucking these days?” and “Are Brad and Angelina splitting up?” (these are just examples…I try not to keep up with celebrity gossip). As a society, we are more worried about what the elite are up to (since we aspire to be like them) than what’s happening in our own hometowns. You may hear of charity drives around the holidays, but beyond that, they’re generally low-key affairs and don’t garner much press attention.
Oh, and ice covered damn near the entire state (there was more snow in the north than ice, but still)…it’s not just the farms. Central Illinois was hard-hit (people seem to forget how to drive on ice and snow over the rest of the year…one of my favorite activities is to sit outside and watch stupid people drive): a coating of 1/2 inch thick ice blanketed my town (Bloomington-Normal); ’tis quite a sight, though.
@DOB - You took the words right out of my mouth (seriously…my coworkers hear me use that final phrase quite often). One correction, though…shouldn’t you have removed the letters “em” from the word “empathetic”? It’d still make sense that way…
December 20th, 2008 at 4:44 am
@ fdkjslfksjl -
If you don’t laugh at poor farmers while driving around Illinois, my home state southern not Chicago, there is something fucked up about you. Poor people are funny and I’m only middle class, rich people must be laughing so hard their monocoles are falling out and they must wipe away their tears with their undeserved millions.
December 20th, 2008 at 4:27 am
LMAO @ fdkjslfksjl. THAT WAS FUCKIN HILARIOUS.
December 20th, 2008 at 4:08 am
I thought the letters were sad but cute in a sad kind of way. Poor little kids are more concerned about their families than being selfish and wanting toys, more than a lot of us can boast at that age.
December 20th, 2008 at 3:55 am
Now santa I know it is fully within your power to give fdkjslfksjl some anthrax-laden lego thingies.
December 20th, 2008 at 2:34 am
to fdkjslfksjl with love….
this is the wrong site for you… we don’t need you here, asshole. please shut what they call the fuck up and then… stay the fuck quiet and… no, thats it.
take dan’s advice and choke on some dick
God, I loathe judmental ppl
December 20th, 2008 at 1:42 am
DOH
That should read “Makes shitty toys for presents.”
December 20th, 2008 at 1:20 am
Odin is now santa? Poor bastard, looks like he’s gone senile.
December 20th, 2008 at 12:56 am
“Did I miss something? When the hell did Santa become God? For real, no, somebody tell me, because I wanna know.”
I think Santa forgot his past. He always has been a god. Santa is Odin, and quite frankly kind of droped the ball when he went from being the mighty Odin, all father, to being a jolly old fat man who makes shitty presents for toys.
Just for refference so you guys don’t think I’m crazy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_claus#Influence_of_Germanic_paganism_and_folklore
So yes Santa (Odin) this is entirely your fault. If you had stuck to what you were doing before none of this shit would have happend.
December 20th, 2008 at 12:55 am
Man, that was hilarious! DAN is the MAN!
December 20th, 2008 at 12:25 am
@DOB
Oh my god, great reply to the fucktard… you have my respect
December 19th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
I hope Santa didn’t have to dodge his sleigh around all the now-homeless people in this country on the way to deliver toys… to those who asked for them, that is. The homeless are practically littering the streets!
Dark, dark days indeed… I hope I live through them, somehow.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
“You caught me. I haven’t entered a toy store since 1996.”
Dan we all know you meant children toy store and not adult toy store, because Santa told me that you asked for this for Christmas.http://www.extremerestraints.com/mr-ed-horse-cock_1900.html and if you could get that then this would do.http://www.extremerestraints.com/the-mrs-buttersworth-butt-plug_2404.html or this one http://www.extremerestraints.com/the-ass-stopper-xxl-butt-plug_488.html
December 19th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
fdkjslfksjl-
WTF mofo.
Your kind of a jackass. This site is supposed to be funny. Why don’t you go suck a cock and stop complaining like a whiny fag.
DOB kicks ass.
Dear Santa,
Please kill fdkjslfksjl because that bastard just ruined my whole Christmas. I was finally learning to adapt to my situation and then some dipshit came along and made me realize that people are morons.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
fdkjslfksjl- I peed a little when I read that. You completely opened my eyes to how terrible I am for laughing about fictional people, going through fictional hard ships, on a comedy website. You act as if those were letters from real kids and we’re all sitting and giggling whilst being fat. But thanks to you I can change my ways of obese laughter.
I don’t know about you but I don’t shield myself from the world by grabbing my mom’s tit and hiding under her skirt. If that’s what you do then you have the potential to be a serial killer.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Dan, you are intelligent and express yourself eloquently, which is a rare find on the Internet. It makes me smile, thank you.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
fdkjslfksjl–
Fuck you. It’s a comedy site asshole, not a fucking church for your retarded little sermons.
You say that “sheltered” people are so terrible. To back you up, you talk about a cow you saw out the window and something you saw on TV.
For next time, tell your Dad to use a condom. I don’t care how weird it feels, no one wants another asshole like you around.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Wow . . . this was kinda too painful.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
@ fdkjslfksjl-
You know what I think is more irritating than the people who point and laugh at the misfortunes of others? Self-important white people who adopt a holier-than-thou attitude to write a miserable, mini-novella about Illinois’ poverty-stricken slums in the middle of a comedy website. You sound like 60 Minutes mixed with a depressed Norman Rockwell mixed with WhoGivesaShit giving a collegiate lecture on homelessness to an audience who came here to smile.
I’m sorry we’re not all as wise, or compassionate or as empathetic as you. Maybe if we’d driven around Illinois staring at poor people, we’d be able to say heartwarming things like “I can only pray that you all suffer for laughing.” But we’re not all as lucky as you. We’re not in a position where we can sit back and pat ourselves on the back for being so high above all the howling jackals.
Laughter isn’t always about being an asshole. Sometimes it’s about coping.
Eat several dicks.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
this is just sad…
i have to say though, santa has always been getting this kind of letters. it’s only this year that they started coming from the english-speaking counties as well.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
@DOB
Really, capital letters should have clued us all in, but you have Arrested Development and GOB to thank for that. I’ll go with rhymes-with-Biblical-Job for now, just until I can wrap my head around the impossible task of having to pronounce each letter.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I wasn’t allowed to have a Tamagotchi OR a Furby.
And I always wanted both.
Thanks for bringing back my repressed childhood memories, DOB.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I drove past a tiny, failing farm in northern Illinois today. Ice covered everything - grass, trees, power lines, the sides of the old ramshackle wooden barn. Three stiff, tired-looking cows crunched on frozen grass because there was no hay in the loft for them. There were no lights on around the property, either. Probably no power. No heat. No nothing.
I saw a segment on a local TV show the other day. An old man living in a modest cottage, who had to choose between eating, buying medication or keeping warm. His cupboard only held ramen, mac & cheese and such. He had a little baloney and some bread. His wife was long dead. No other family around. Just a poor little old man.
Life is really shitty for some people. It annoys me how the sheltered and fat will point and laugh like hell at those people. All I can do is hope that everyone who laughs at others’ suffering will have to endure similar suffering themselves, some day.
And all you have for me is to sneer and be rude. Fuck you. I want you to suffer, so you’ll learn. One day, your mommy will die and you’ll have to let go of her tit and face the world with no one’s skirt to hide under. Then we’ll see how funny it all it is for you.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
We prefer the term “Wench” Sean.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
well shana- santa doesn’t bring presents for skeevy pirate hookers.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Of course the alternative is:
“Dear santa, my dad said i wanted a…. err… “rubber thumper” for Christmas. I don’t know what that is but it sure sounds fun.
Also were poor.”
Actually that’s not an alternative is it.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
holy crap Furbies! man those things were annoying.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Holyoke??? That’s like 5 miles from good ol’ West Side. People don’t have heat over there REGARDLESS.
December 19th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
you missunderstood me g-stone…
December 19th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Seriously funny. And scary.
December 19th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
dob-
ya man i got one when i was like 7 and i cried for a week when it died
December 19th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
awesome again DOB. Thanks
December 19th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
You are so awesome, DOB
December 19th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
You should have added a letter where the kid says something like.
“Dear Santa, I ate all my broccoli this year and even stole a bit form my sisters plate to make sure you’d get me my present. All I want is for the governement to give money to daddy so he can still use his jet to go meet his banker in Switzerland. He just can’t take the plane with the commons folks.”
December 19th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I approve of everything I’ve read so far, DOB.
glendoor–I know this gets said often, but it bears repeating, you scare the hell out of me.
December 19th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Brilliant. Just brilliant
December 19th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
@ DOB
Dan, either you’re not that old, or that shit is clingin to it’s last life-threads. I’m only 20 and I remember tamagotchis, furbys, tickle-me-elmos and the like.
I lol’d hard.
Marry me?
December 19th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Great work DOB. Why must so many people bitch and moan about serious stuff on the Cracked site… It’s freakin’ CRACKED.COM. Have a giggle or stop reading it lol
December 19th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
he’s the only reason I even read this site.
still laughing at “unless you want, like, a Cabbage Patch Something-or-other or a Magic Pony that backflips or whatever, do not write letters to me”, lmao.
brilliant.
December 19th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
The truth hurts, doesn’t it? Very thought provoking article.
In the real world Santa just tries to provide hope to children.
When it comes down to the nitty gritty its really up to all of us.
I have a very simple Christmas wish:
“Dear Santa,
Can I please wake up on Boxing Day without a hangover, a bloated stomach and prawn shells in my bed again? Thank you.”
December 19th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
My god that was brilliant. DOB, you’ve outdone yourself.
December 19th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Oh yeah Sean? Well, YOU’RE dumb and depressing.
SCORE!
December 19th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
that was dumb and depressing…
December 19th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas this year is a $400 gift card too my local liquor store.
Thank you,
Cow Shit
P.S. Say hello to your wife for me. Oh, and return the enclosed panties to her.
December 19th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Bring a father figure into my life
December 19th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
That article was mildly depressing until I read the comments section.
Oh and I want a penguin, a penguin cookbook, and whatever you cook penguins in. That shit better be there or Santa is going to have to learn to breath through his forehead.
December 19th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
A little too sad, DEE-OH-Bee(that’s how I say it).
How about something a bit more cheerful for New Years.
Merry Christmas and thanks for a year’s worth of laughs.
December 19th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Instead. We should ask Santa for things that will make us money, like a first edition Etch-a-Sketch in pristine condition. That’ll sell like hotcake!
December 19th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Dont come down my chimney no more mother fucker!!!!
December 19th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I lol’d, even though any mention of a Furby gives me seizures.
December 19th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I was in an emotionally fragile state when I started reading this. I started laughing and forgot about all of the bad, bad things in my life. Then you shoved “Please make the pain go away” down my throat and killed the joy. Thanks, fucker. There went your good deed.
December 19th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
@ Dan-
You’re definitely not old, because I used to have a Furby and a Tamagotchi. But then again there is only like a six year age difference between us.
Am I the only one who used to torture their Tamagotchi?
December 19th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I’ll remember this on Christmas and cry a little.
December 19th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
“I’m Genuinely afraid I’ll Freeze to death.” “Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
Dee Oh Bee, you’ve done it again. Your Christmas articles have been epic, to bad christmas only comes around once a year.
also…
“You ask for them, and that shit will be under your tree in the morning, you feel me? Bam! Santa’s your hero.”
December 19th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
That last letter actually made me feel bad
December 19th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Last year, my son sent a letter to Santa that read in part:
“If you let my sister pick out her own presents for me this year, I swear to God, fat man, I will cut. I’ll cut your freaking balls off and spoon feed them to Rudolph.
Here’s some shit you could get me:
Cash money. Fork out the green shit, and I’m not talking about your turds after you eat a pound of freaking lima beans.
A Flyers t-shirt. Here’s one I like. Probably should be a medium. I’m including all the links since I don’t know how badly all that time in the north has retarded you. http://shop.nhl.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2570485&cp=1920310.1920556&parentPage=family&clickid=body_bestsell_img
I really like this t-shirt. Hint hint. I’m thinking a small for this one. It’s the tits. http://www.hurricanepasstraders.com/xcart/product.php?productid=40837&cat=813&page=2
Anyway, that’s all for now. There will be more, don’t you worry about that. I have needs, just like yours for some straight up sick shit with some freaky horned animals. Don’t act like it’s a secret, you old cow. I know your ways.”
I thought we were the only family on the planet this sick and twisted. I’m so comforted by this heartwarming post and all the responses.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
thank god i live in newportbeach, no-one around here is poor =)
December 19th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
“If you’re a dipshit, I find something in your house that looks important, and then I poop on it.”
i haven’t laughed that hard in a week.
thanks, DOB, you rarley dissapoint.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
DOB, that brought a tear to my eye.
Only partially because I forgot to blink while reading it.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
What with the what now? What’s this about me talking smack? I’m lost.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
That was hilarious! More stuff like this needs to be done.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
So. Depressing.
But the hanging family made me laugh pretty hard.
I’ll take you up on that Furby, Santa.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@Shana-
You caught me. I haven’t entered a toy store since 1996. Do people even know what Tamagotchi’s are anymore, or am I very very old?
December 19th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Ironically, this is one of the most poignant things I’ve read lately.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Cabbage patch and furbys? It’s a 90s Christmas!
December 19th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Dear Santa,
I was reading a Cracked article about the recession and I laughed so hard I hurt myself. Please make DOB pay my medical bills so I can stop this internal bleeding.
Oh, and a puppy. A puppy would be great.
Thanks.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
This is all horribly depressing.
I’m gonna go suck-start my .45 now.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I found the last column form brockway to be depressing (over the poor declawed defanged lion) and found this hilarious. Especially the pictures of the family hanging. Is this normal?
Should I join PETA?
December 19th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
oh yeah and dont shit talk gladstone!!
December 19th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Oh fuck me i was laughing so hard at the end i was like choking on my own laughter.
I’m not crazy folks… really.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Dear Santa,
I would like for Christmas a Panasonic 150″ Plasma TV, this one in case you get confused http://www.engadget.com/2008/01/07/panasonics-gigantic-150-inch-plasma-is-official/. I know they can only be shipped in the front end of 747, but I checked with the local airport and there is enough room for one of those to land , as long as the pilot is top notch.
Also, I know most of those people don’t mean these ugly things they are saying about you and I forgive them and so should you, after all it is the season.
EXCEPT little Danny O’Brien, you don’t have to forgive him, as a matter of fact you can send one your elves to beat his ass because CLONE OR NOT he has said a lot of nasty shit about you.
PS make sure it is one of the smaller elves to make it a fair fight. I know the tiny elves are still two to three inches taller than Squeally Dan, but that is fine, because he really needs a good lesson taught to him.
I know that Miley Cyrus asked for something similar, the ass beating not the TV,( she already has the TV) but I see no reason to kick little Danny so hard in the groin that his nuts pop out his eye sockets and people will call him ” nut eyed ” Dan the rest of his life, that seems just a tad extreme.
Thanks
glendoor42
PPS, I think its fine to give kingmonkey a bigger penis like he’s been asking for the last twenty years.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
i always pronounce it “DEE oh BEE” in my head too. but when i’m reading your articles & listening to gangsta rap at the same time, i automatically change it to “OH DEE BEE”, as in ODB, as in “Ol’ Dirty Bastard”. may he rest in peace…
oh, and santa’s an asshole.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
thats kinda sad
December 19th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
the ending killed me! funny, funny, shit!
“call Santa when you want a Furby. I’m getting too old for this shit.
Up Yours,
Santa Claus.”
the last pic was gold!
December 19th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
@Tartra-
I’ve always wondered how people were pronouncing it in their heads when they read the name. When I used to bartend, the waitresses called me DOB, pronouncing each letter individually, (phonetically speaking, ‘Dee OH Bee’), and that’s where the name comes from. I suppose, if I wanted to press the matter, I should’ve been spelling it D.O.B., but I felt the All Caps aspect made it clear that each letter should be pronounced.
Still, however anyone reads it is how they read it. Whether you hear it as rhyming with “job,” (like occupation), or as rhyming with “Job,” (like from the Bible), that’s your thing. Dee Oh Bee is just how I’ve been reading it.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Let me just stamp my ticket to hell here, but “please make the pain go away” nearly killed me. Bravo. The one with the mom leaving was 10/10 to me to
December 19th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Actually, no. I want one more things for Christmas:
How the hell do you pronounce ‘DOB’?
Is it like ‘dobe’, with a long ‘o’, or is it just ‘dob’, like doorknob? I need to know! It doesn’t sound right in my head I keep switching between the two! END MY SUFFERING!!
December 19th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Wow. DOB. Seriously, I was laughing the entire time. It’s better when you use the Santa voice from South Park.
Well done. Very, very well done. This is my Christmas present from you for every future Christmas and I wasn’t so damn cheap, I’d probably send you a present in return.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
@greengoddess Yeah, do the whole Santa thing, then after the first day of school, sign him up for councilling when all the oher kids bust the Santa bubble.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I’m not sure whether I should applaud you for making this article or be worried that I found it really funny. Maybe I don’t have a heart AFTER all…
December 19th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Is it mean to tell your kid there is no Santa Claus? My kid’s not even a year and a half old right now, so he doesn’t give a shit yet. But next year it’s going to be an issue.
Who am I kidding? We all know my son will be writing letters to Santa asking Daddy to quit smoking the funny cigarettes and please make Mommy come home from DOB’s house.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Agree with Danjer047, I laughed at several of the letters, then I felt really fucking disgusted at myself.
Great article.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
DOB fan page. Clearly not created by DOB himself, no matter what Gladstone lovers want you to believe.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/pages/Daniel-OBrien/45034426016?ref=ts
December 19th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
“If you’re a dipshit, I find something in your house that looks important, and then I poop on it.”
That part was amazing and also Stephen being afraid of freezing to death totally blindsided me. I laughed and felt horrible for doing so… But, that is the beauty of comedy.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Funny and very very sad at the same time.
I’m so glad I put all my money in my mattress instead of the stock market like all my friends.
Who is the crazy cat lady now????
December 19th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Damn, this was funny and depressing at the same time. I just want a time machine, so I can go forward in time and avoid the depression.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Oh by the way DOB, great article. Very eye opening and awesome.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:37 am
dear satna claws
for chrismus cud i pleez hav a crowbar sos i can beat teh livingg fucke out ov mi dad for bein such a deckhead an notin gettin me a nintendow wee last chrismus
thanks u
jonny aged 3
December 19th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Y’all keep talkin’ about Santa like this and Glendoor is going to flip shit.
Just warning you.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:36 am
So Santa makes all the products robbing the manufactures and retailers of sales, the economy plummits, and he says”up yours”?!?!? FUCK YOU buddy! I always said Santa was evil and nobody would listen. It’s all so clear now. We must stop this asshole.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:35 am
This made me sad.
And I like dark comedy.
Santa’s reaction was mildly amusing but this was still sad.
I’m going to go watch the stock market plunge another 150 points today…and then find Santa and kill him.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Thats is depressing as hell.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:23 am
dear satna
my nam eis boby and for cirhstmas plz pay off our dets so momy dosnt hav to go with the bad men anmyore
December 19th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Funny, but in that “Well, shit, that’s what I want for Christmas too . . . damn.” sort of way.
Also, I think it’s high time that we brought up the issue of Santa being a no-good-stinkin’-pinko-Commie. He wears red and hands out goods to everyone regardless of how much they worked that year. His only qualification is that you are good–i.e., towing the Party line. “From each according to his means to each according to his [Communist] needs” indeed!
December 19th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Lamo
December 19th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Cracked just needs a Dan academy producing an army of himself and it’ll be “humour” again. Do it.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Thanks a lot santa.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Well…can I have his blue baseball? Blue was my daddy’s favorite color and maybe if I get him something he will come back home….
December 19th, 2008 at 10:50 am
All these kids want is for Santa to make them feel good. How effing hard is that? Bad Santa does it all the time.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Holy hell, Cratey, that was the saddest thing I’ve ever read. I freaking cried just at the thought of it.
Jeez, now *I* want to go hang myself. . .
December 19th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Go fuck yourself, Santa.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Jesus Christ, All I wanted was a fucking skateboard! I feel so… alone…(gunshot)
December 19th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I think bombs should be delivered to children like these. You know, the little tyke opens the present and BOOOM goes the little shit and his relatives. Solves the problem of misery and leaves less people for me to hate too.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Oh DOB,
I love you so much and all I want for Christmas is you in a red ribbon and bow.
You are your deep dicking!
December 19th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Dear Santa
My puppy died when the recession came because we couldn’t afford puppy food anymore and I had to lie awake at night listening to its increasingly weak cries of distress as it wasted away.
I want a puppy that will live forever and never die or make those noises ever again. Can you do that for me Santa? CAN YOU?
December 19th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I would also like a red rider bb gun and a box of condoms. Ribbed: For Her Pleasure.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Santa must be held accountable for his crimes. DEATH TO CLAUSE!
December 19th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Can I have a furby army for Christmas? Then I can invade Wall street and solve the economic recession, using the power of the Furby army.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:50 am
I think this kind of attitude coming from Santa has been a long time coming! Also, it might be time to implement the Santa Claus from Futurama…you know, the one who finds everyone naughty and tries to blow them up?
And Ibh, you are just asking for some good ol’ Oedipal problems, right there.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:49 am
This made me feel strangely sad. I think my hangover is affecting my judgement. I shall read again when I’m recovered and put my wooden leg on the fire to ensure my oher leg doesn’t drop off from frostbite.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Oh boo hoo Santa, dont have work to do?
Sounds like you will meet my dad at the unemployment line.
I’m going to go now, McDonalds throws away last night’s food in about five minutes.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:28 am
I agree with the rabid penguin beneath me. Santa’s policy of just giving shit out has long been a seasonal stab at the economy. Besides, gifts for everybody solely on the merit of their goodness? What kind of commie gives shit out for free?
December 19th, 2008 at 8:20 am
hmm, couldn’t santa be held responsible? i mean, all this stuff drops out of nowhere, instead of the purchases at walmart, target, and the other backbones of our economy. wtf, santa? maybe if mommy and daddy had been purchasing items instead of counting on your for their gift bailout, we might be doing better.
just sayin.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:10 am
Dear Daniel,
I’d feel like a dirty old lady hitting on someone half my age. So instead of having sex with you, can I adopt you instead?
Merry Christmas Sweetie!