During World War II there was only one way to handle trouble: Lieutenant Jack Dempsey, Director of Physical Fitness, U.S. Coast Guard. This former boxer knew that the best way to beat back the Axis was with fists and punches. He released many of his combat secrets in a book called How to Fight Tough, with a B-plot of how coast guardsmen fuck holes in mountains and eat their meals from Nazi skulls. Jack is so virile that if you are photographed performing his martial arts system, your pants do not appear on the film. This is the story of one of his men.
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October 29th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
HEAD BUTT! DICK ATTACK! HAHAHAAAA
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:17 pm
I laughed until I couldn’t breathe. Seriously. Great stuff.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:56 am
WTF got totally cracked up, my stomach is hurting and I can’t stop crying as well. Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
September 11th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I couldn’t stop crying with laughter uncontrollably
August 22nd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
holy shit
LMFAO!!!
August 20th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
“It’s like when my dad made me smoke a whole carton of cigarettes, or when my priest pulled out both of his wieners.”
ROTFL.
August 9th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
THE BUFFALO LAYS THE EGG!
That shit was funny. I blew the soda I was drinking out of my nose.
August 8th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
ROFL “Godspeed, Jack, wherever your arble sploorsh.”
I laughed so hard my throat hurts and I bit my tongue XD
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I♥You
July 17th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
OMFG!! “LUCK DRAGON TEEBAGS THE MOON!!”
that made me lol so hard i fell outta my chair!! SRSLY! lololololol
July 10th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Made me cry with laughter, repeatedly.
Good work.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
This is classic Seanbaby XD That fighting manual would be perfectly fine if only that guy wasn’t FUCKING NAKED!!!
July 7th, 2009 at 1:44 am
Every few panels I’d take a minute to laugh uncontrollably.
July 6th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
evetstevets….he’s comparing seanbaby/alice in chains to the other cracked authors/godsmack. meaning that one is indeed drawing from the other’s skills.
i get the joke and i barely know anything of the bands.
looks like the egg is actually in your face now. kthx
June 30th, 2009 at 7:23 am
I need this book. It will sit proudly on my coffee table alongside the one that explains exactly how to beat the gay out of your son.
June 29th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Kick to the groin comics! Don’t Eric and Chet need some props for that, Seanbaby? Or was that only the one w/ punching pregnant women in the stomach?
June 28th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. “…if you control your nazi’s flow of energy, you control the destiny of victory.” Brilliant. And that was just one panel. I had to stop reading the article three times because I was laughing so hard. I’m glad you are writing. You’ve got zaz, young man.
June 28th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Never posted a comment at any site ever before, but I had to say great job Seanbaby as this had me laughing till I couldn’t see through the tears…simply hilarious and I look forward to coming back to Cracked to see more of the same…thanks for making my day!!!
June 26th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Why the fuck is he in his underwear the whole time?? Is that really necessary to take off his jacket?
June 24th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
HAHAHAHA that was awesome
June 24th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Hilarious
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:39 am
I think I’m gay from those pictures.
Also, you guys talk way too much to each other on a web site about fart jokes and funny lists.
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:02 am
evetstevets - Seriously? Really? That was the point Oregano was making. As in, people should stop complaining about Seanbaby’s style (saying he’s ripping people off), since he’s been doing this since the 90s. Meaning, if you’re going to complain about that, you might as well complain about AIC ripping off Godsmack, even though they were around YEARS before them.
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Oregano Angercock; if the Alice in Chains/Godsmack comment was a joke, consider it lost on me.
On the way too fucking sad chance that your serious, you do realize that Alice in Chains was a band 8 years before Godsmack, Defined there individual sound 8 years before Godsmack, Have a song called “God Smack” that caame out 3 years before Godsmack, and that Godsmack started out as an Alice in Chains cover band?
No, you HAD to know that, there is really no logical reason (other than blunt-force head trauma or a complete lack of knowledge about either band) that you WOULDN’T know that.
Damn, looks like the egg’s on my face now, eh?
June 21st, 2009 at 10:59 pm
“too hard to sound like Godsmack”, that is.
June 21st, 2009 at 10:57 pm
http://www.cracked.com/blog/kick-to-the-groin-how-to-fight-tough#comment-94980
Goddamn you couldn’t be more fucking stupid. I really can’t believe you fuckers that think Cracked invented internet comedy and compare Seanbaby’s style to DOB or Brockway like he ripped them off. You know that SB’s been doing this shit for over a decade right?
While we’re at it, has anyone noticed how Alice in Chains tried to hard sound like Godsmack?
June 21st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I love that the first knee to the groin has the sound effect, “Pork”.
June 21st, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Damn hadn’t noticed most of the sound effects… hahahaha
June 21st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Wasn’t convinced by the speech bubbles to begin with but glad I stuck with it as it’s another comic triumph.
Still laughing… seriously the names of the moves were brilliant. “Luck dragon teabags the moon!”
But “… now for the most important part - I PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE!” - BRUNCH! ….attracted the attention of the whole office.
SB. Another reason to look forward to Fridays
June 21st, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I swear — by my life and my love of it — that I will never let another man suck Seanbaby’s cock before I do.
June 21st, 2009 at 11:11 am
Yeah…I’m not so big on Seanbaby.
June 20th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
You had me at “Pork!”.
June 20th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Seriously, the original pictures and subtitles were unintentionally funny enough by themselves. Your speech bubbles? Eh… barely got 1/3 of the way before I had to stop.
June 20th, 2009 at 11:59 am
This is very hot information. I think I’ll share it on Facebook.
p.s. Year One is already on the Internet and you can watch it for free.
June 20th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Don’t worry if your KTTG comics don’t go over so well here at Cracked.com. It doesn’t change the fact that things getting kicked in the groin, or the hopes that things will get kicked in the groin are the wellspring of almost all comedy. Continue to write KTTG comics Seanbaby! America needs you!
June 19th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
I didn’t read this, but the pictures made me cry.
June 19th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I’m Phil Collins and I give this article 1305 dicks in my mouth… up.
June 19th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
I grab your gun then I PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE.
June 19th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Seanbaby, I love KTTG comics like I love breaking a man’s finger for tapping me on the shoulder. Each dick attack is like a present from Cockmush Santa.
June 19th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Oh, I just realized why this isn’t working: it’s similar to Brockway or O’Brien’s styles of writing, but those styles are harder to pull off than they look.
June 19th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Not one of the stronger efforts. The original pictures are much funnier than the captioning. Seanbaby still rocks, though.
June 19th, 2009 at 11:03 am
@hte flying ninja
Couldnt be more wrong. Seanbaby has made a huge splash since joining. And the ending was waaaay worth it! hahaha! I cant tell you how often I’ve experienced this kind of awkward homo-erotism… Makes work difficult…
June 19th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on ___ http://Tallloving.com ___ are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
June 19th, 2009 at 9:32 am
tl;dr
Got about halfway through, decided it just wasn’t worth it
June 19th, 2009 at 9:19 am
This would make a great exercise to practise being funny for Cracked, but reading it isn’t actually all that much fun. Plus, I kept reading the actual fighting instructions at the bottom of each picture.
June 19th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Hey, Seanbaby doesn’t come to your job and complain that you’re sucking off hair dressers wrong, does he?
June 19th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Usually I think Seanbaby is fucking awesome, but this kinda sucked.
June 19th, 2009 at 6:25 am
wow… just fucking wow….. i wasted 15 minutes of my companies time reading this horse shit… i was going and going just waiting for the funny to happen… then guess what.. it never happened. i gotta admit seanbaby’s articles are pretty damn terrible.. please just give up man… you’re not funny….
June 19th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Hilarious.
June 19th, 2009 at 5:27 am
Aha Brilliant, The ending is the best :’)
June 19th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Awesome. Some comments made me laugh my ass off.
To all of you going ‘meh’ and stuff: Cracked pays for funny articles, so let’s see you do better.
June 19th, 2009 at 5:12 am
I admit, it took me a while, but now Seanbaby’s one of my favorite Cracked writers. Good job Seanbaby, this was hilarious.
June 19th, 2009 at 3:36 am
meh
June 19th, 2009 at 3:31 am
Seanbaby.
When are you going to teach Gaystone how to be a man? Help him Obi-seany, you’re his only hope.
This wasn’t as good as the Sims article but still worth a chuckle.
June 19th, 2009 at 1:44 am
For all the people who don’t really dig this entry, he’s been doing Kick-to-the-groin Comics for years and they really always have been a pretty even love ‘em or hate ‘em sort of deal even if you generally enjoy Seanbaby.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Yes. More Seanbaby and less Fatawesome. Seanbaby comes up with better shit in his sleep than those three turds.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
i loved it seanbaby, keep churning it out
June 18th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
if that guy was a super hero his name would be DIAPER MAN!
June 18th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
What a waste of time. The Sims article was genius, but this is a pile of shit that makes Jimmy Fallon seem funny. Not even the holocaust could do that, so be proud of yourself seanbaby.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
this sucked balls
June 18th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
I don’t know if this was intentional, but I enjoyed the explanation for when his underpants suddenly changed color. Overall, I liked this article
June 18th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Teal deer.
It would have been funnier without those lame-arse captions.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I’m sorry. I tried but tl;dr
June 18th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Thanks Seanbaby. Great job!
June 18th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
tl;dr
June 18th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I love meat between my bum cheeks beasue am gay hahahahhaha hahhahahahha my phine number is 3715 3654 for any one thats whats an good time. am seriours
June 18th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
HAHAHA! “the scorpion pounds the balls”.
Holy shit.
You just wrote my favourite article ever
June 18th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
…your post sucks! Your Mother sucks! Your vacuum sucks!
June 18th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Haha i love that last panel. “shit i forgot something” “pop”. He he made my day =D
June 18th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Shit, I forgot something. *Knee in nuts*
I’m going to name my first born kid Seanbaby. I just hope it’s a male.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
You Suck!
June 18th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
tl;dr
June 18th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
*sigh* tl;dr
June 18th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Comedy. The product of research and wit.
Seanbaby. The hardest working guy in the Kick in the Groin business.
Tell me Seanbaby, the new fans calling you homophobic, does that make milk squirt out of your nose?
June 18th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
This made my fucking day. Great job.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
hahahahahaha
June 18th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
If you read the epilogue, you encounter the following
“this book is not written for your entertainment”
Well, it is now!
June 18th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I’m Scottish and I know Jack Dempsey was a man who could rearrange your face with a bad look.
And we’re the angry, drunken stocky bastard underdogs of the world.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
The ending was really great.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Well, after I sort of liked your Sims 3 article, I decided to give this next one a try as well. Unfortunately, it was more the same inane, homophobic, unfunny bullshit. I’m thinking maybe you had a funny person help you with the Sims 3 one.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
heh. pretty funny stuff.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
The victim in this comic was wearing a giant diaper to absorb the blood, shit, piss that was involuntarily released while his testicles were being ravaged by Dempsey
June 18th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Good stuff! You should check out__ WealthyCupid.org __where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. Hook up sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just Sign up and hook up the sexy beauties now!
June 18th, 2009 at 11:43 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/kick-to-…to-fight-tough [...]
June 18th, 2009 at 11:39 am
A little long for my taste in dialogue-heavy images, but it had some great lines.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:14 am
wtf feralboy? Epic Fail on your reading comprehension.
Jack Dempsey is clearly the hero of this comic…SB’s giving him props if anything in this piece…
quit your fussing and go change your tampon.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:03 am
I love kick to the groin comics. Nobody does this like Seanbaby does.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I don’t know if Dempsey would have taken this as a joke or not, but I for one would sure as hell wouldn’t want to take that chance.
Here’s Dempsey beating the ever living shit out of Jess Willard, this is the first round and supposedly Dempsey’s manager told him right before the fight that he bet all their money on Dempsey taking the guy in a knockout in the first.
Also back then when you knocked someone down you could just stand over them and wait for their knees to leave the canvas and pop them again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VawHgrLvbD4.
Damn funny article though.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Seanbaby trains in Muay Thai and Jujitsu, kid. If Jack Dempsey ever rises from the grave in search of tender Feralboy flesh, only Seanbaby will be able to save you then.
And if you thought this was boring, try actually reading it next time. Skimming isn’t a great way to catch jokes.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Wow….I never expected somebody to make me laugh harder than DOB. You almost got me fired Seanbaby.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:33 am
awesome
June 18th, 2009 at 10:33 am
bravo feral boy
June 18th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I’m sure Jack Dempsey would have taken it as a joke, because he’s not 12 years old.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:18 am
You wouldn’t have written this crap about Jack Dempsey when he was alive. Or he would’ve punched you in the fucking face.
Somebody tried to mug Jack Dempsey when he was about 70 years old. Epic fail. Dempsey took like three seconds to put him on the ground.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:15 am
funny idea, not funny article. It’s like one so-so joke repeted over and over Just one page would have been enough to make the point without boring the reader to death
June 18th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Priceless. Fucking priceless.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:01 am
wait, why is he in that giant diaper again?
June 18th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Damn. I kinda wish that added text hadn’t covered the original.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:51 am
i will practice this tonight on my girlfriend!!
lucky dragon teabags the moon’ FTW!!!
my hat goes off to you sir and your twisted testicles!!
June 18th, 2009 at 9:33 am
The line “Where were you keeping that gun?” had me laughing so hard.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:18 am
If so: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=7&sku=ENGL-CD00299 Cum out and join us! XOXO!
June 18th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Kick To The Groin comics finally makes it to cracked.
God bless.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:05 am
If I were posting on such a successful yet undergroundish website, I’d hope for honest feedback, so that’s what I’m giving, to be golden. Firstly, I am truly a fan, Seanbaby. You have gotten more and more sporadic and dongtacular over time, and I have enjoyed watching the metamorphosu-sudio. Second, I admit, I struggle with “laughter” and anything WWII related, mayhaps bc I took way to much interest in it, at one point. Anyway, you blended it well, I was not offended, and actually enjoyed the fact that you left the original text underneath. It was a different time back then, so “Unintentionally Gay” was apt. My favorite on Cracked has always been The Wordpuncher Himself, but am quickly falling under the warm blanket that is Operation Drawers Full of Roastbeef. Keep it up, dingus.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:58 am
@ kumiho
“No need to even think this is odd”?
Its ass better be! I’M AT CRACKED.COM! If there was no humor potential in the photos, THEY WOULDN’T BE ON CRACKED.COM!
It IS a sad day! Sad indeed! YOU JUST MADE IT THAT WAY!
I’m — I’m sorry. That was way out of line. Please, continue. Manliness is simply masculine. Not weird or funny or anything. Steroid shrunken balls and backne, for instance, are never going to be funny. Village People isn’t ironic funny, nor are leather queers. Likewise, a closeted gay cop would never work as a comic character. Nobody ever got a laugh out of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” solution, right? Okay. Understood.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Not the funniest but you still deliver laughs
June 18th, 2009 at 8:29 am
That was pretty funny but I think it would have been just as funny with only the original instructional manual. Why, for the love of God, is the enemy in his underwear? Was this common for Nazis?
June 18th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Ditto to zombieapocolypse below, this is one of the most hilarious things you guys have ever done
June 18th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Inb4 Emily finds a way to trash this article.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I’ve never felt compelled to respond to a Cracked article. Until now. It has to be the funniest thing I’ve ever read, seanbaby. Keep up the fantastic work.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:03 am
people are confident in there sexuality-no need to even think this is odd-manliness is simply masculine
sad days we live in
June 18th, 2009 at 8:00 am
su-sudio! GENIUS!
June 18th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Both of those men needed to say “no homo” after making this book.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:00 am
hilarious
June 18th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I totally agree with Anton Arcane:
“That comic just opened up my space inventory.”
June 18th, 2009 at 7:40 am
The 1940’s were a different time . . . more innocent, less fag-conscious.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:38 am
many nice and single girls have a account on __classymingle.com___. so dont miss them. dont miss your classy lover!!
June 18th, 2009 at 7:26 am
I think it would have been funnier without the writing
June 18th, 2009 at 7:23 am
“Shining elephant rips your ass out!”
Where was that in Karate Kid II? ‘Cause I’m hearing Mr. Myagi.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:21 am
wth, why is the other dude in his freakin’ underwear?
AND WHY IS JACK CHECKING THE OTHER DUDES’ GROIN?!
June 18th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Seventh
June 18th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Brockway directs Seanbaby’s comic starring DOB! Bucholz calls dibs on the fluffer.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:01 am
I wonder what they were thinking when putting they guy in briefs for the book…. it’s not likely… though possible, that you would run into a nearly naked attacker… It happened to me once… If i would have read this earlier I would have used Luck Dragon TeaBags the Moon to take him out
June 18th, 2009 at 7:00 am
I concur with Nobody!
June 18th, 2009 at 6:53 am
That comic just opened up my space inventory.
I really need to get my hands on that book.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:50 am
The actual captions are nearly as funny.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:50 am
my face hurts
June 18th, 2009 at 5:57 am
If anyone ever makes a movie about Seanbaby’s comics, it will be the best movie ever.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:00 am
I. . .I feel so dirty now.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:51 am
That was fucking awesome
June 18th, 2009 at 4:44 am
. . . Wow.