The original title of this post was "It's Just a Stupid Fucking Baby You Fat Jerkoffs," but Cracked Editor Jack O'Brien suggested I change it to something catchier and not so immediately insulting. Whatever. Apparently, Jennifer Lopez and whoever she's "married" to right now were paid $6 Million for pictures of their stupid fucking babies by People Magazine. Granted, I make almost three times that amount each year as a Cracked Blogger, but I'd have quit a long time ago if I'd have known you can make $6 million just for a couple of baby pictures. You want babies, People Magazine? You want babies!? I'll give you babies. I've got babies pouring out my god damn ass, (it's a pretty new procedure), and you don't even need to charge me as much as you charged J-Lo. $5 Million. $5 Million dollars and you can have pictures of as many babies as you want. You want a little baby pyramid? I can get that shit for you, People, just say the word.
To be honest, I'm really pretty furious about this. Not just because I know that no one will ever pay me to see pictures of whatever babies are floating around Southern Florida that may or may not be mine, (tests come back Wednesday), but because… well, $6 Million? $6 Million? Really? For stupid fucking babies? Has anyone taken a second to step back and think about why seeing some stupid fucking baby is so important that it millions of dollars must be spent? And they're talking about spending $10 million on Angelina if she has twins. Where are these figures coming even from?
If this trend continues based on the mathematical formula I've devised, by 2012, gossip and entertainment magazines will be paying $236 billion per baby, double that for twins, half that if the celebrity's Chinese. I've either got to write a scathing manifesto urging the entertainment industry to stop pointlessly blowing large amounts of money on bullshit, or I have to find a celebrity, give it a baby, and watch the money pour in.
Let's just move on for now. Meanwhile, because America wants to know, here's an update in
People I May or May Not Have Sex With if They Ask Me.
If you'll recall from last week, as a result of Tina Fey's comments in Reader's Digest that may or may not have called out Jon Stewart, I very publicly vowed that I would no longer have sex with Tina, even if she asked me. Even if she begged me.
Even if she showed up at my apartment wearing nothing but a towel and those sexy, sexy glasses, even if she showed up with a whole box of Cheez-its, I would not change my mind. I am a man of principles, Tina. And as glorious and majestic as I think our filthy union would undoubtedly be, a man of principles does not simple abandon those principles as if they were a child. A man of principles stands by those principles, Tina.
Well, apparently, the prospect of losing me as a sexual partner was so devastating to Tina Fey that she has gone on record to clear up and apologize for her comments which Digest, evidently, took out of context. When asked about her comments on The Daily Show, Fey said “That thing was edited kind of weird. I was really talking about audiences and how audiences respond weirdly to things. When I was talking I said, ‘Like you know, on Weekend Update or anything’ and that kind of went away so it seemed like I was saying something bad about those guys. I think they know that I think their show is great and would actually never be disparaging on their show.”
Well folks, you read it here first, (unless you read it somewhere else first, which is totally possible): Tina Fey clarified her comments because she still wants the option to have sex with me. Think about it. One day I publicly declare that I'm not going to have sex with Tina Fey due to some comments, and a few days later she explains those comments away. The facts don't lie, readers.
As much as I am a man of principles, I am NOT one to hold a grudge. So Tina, if you're reading, ("if." HAH!), I am lifting the ban. I am unlocking the gates. I am removing the embargo. Spread the word readers, I will once again have filthy, filthy nerd sex with Tina Fey if she asks me to. Breathe it in folks, this is a big day.
It was a scary week, Tina, for both of us, but that's all behind us now. Tickets for the ole' midnight meat train are once again on sale. If you would like to further discuss this matter, perhaps over some half-priced appetizers or something, I would be more than willing to discuss that. Who knows. maybe we'll even get a baby out of it, make some cash.