The original title of this post was “It’s Just a Stupid Fucking Baby You Fat Jerkoffs,” but Cracked Editor Jack O’Brien suggested I change it to something catchier and not so immediately insulting. Whatever. Apparently, Jennifer Lopez and whoever she’s “married” to right now were paid $6 Million for pictures of their stupid fucking babies by People Magazine. Granted, I make almost three times that amount each year as a Cracked Blogger, but I’d have quit a long time ago if I’d have known you can make $6 million just for a couple of baby pictures. You want babies, People Magazine? You want babies!? I’ll give you babies. I’ve got babies pouring out my god damn ass, (it’s a pretty new procedure), and you don’t even need to charge me as much as you charged J-Lo. $5 Million. $5 Million dollars and you can have pictures of as many babies as you want. You want a little baby pyramid? I can get that shit for you, People, just say the word.
To be honest, I’m really pretty furious about this. Not just because I know that no one will ever pay me to see pictures of whatever babies are floating around Southern Florida that may or may not be mine, (tests come back Wednesday), but because… well, $6 Million? $6 Million? Really? For stupid fucking babies? Has anyone taken a second to step back and think about why seeing some stupid fucking baby is so important that it millions of dollars must be spent? And they’re talking about spending $10 million on Angelina if she has twins. Where are these figures coming even from?
If this trend continues based on the mathematical formula I’ve devised, by 2012, gossip and entertainment magazines will be paying $236 billion per baby, double that for twins, half that if the celebrity’s Chinese. I’ve either got to write a scathing manifesto urging the entertainment industry to stop pointlessly blowing large amounts of money on bullshit, or I have to find a celebrity, give it a baby, and watch the money pour in.
Let’s just move on for now. Meanwhile, because America wants to know, here’s an update in
People I May or May Not Have Sex With if They Ask Me.
If you’ll recall from last week, as a result of Tina Fey’s comments in Reader’s Digest that may or may not have called out Jon Stewart, I very publicly vowed that I would no longer have sex with Tina, even if she asked me. Even if she begged me.
Even if she showed up at my apartment wearing nothing but a towel and those sexy, sexy glasses, even if she showed up with a whole box of Cheez-its, I would not change my mind. I am a man of principles, Tina. And as glorious and majestic as I think our filthy union would undoubtedly be, a man of principles does not simple abandon those principles as if they were a child. A man of principles stands by those principles, Tina.
Well, apparently, the prospect of losing me as a sexual partner was so devastating to Tina Fey that she has gone on record to clear up and apologize for her comments which Digest, evidently, took out of context. When asked about her comments on The Daily Show, Fey said “That thing was edited kind of weird. I was really talking about audiences and how audiences respond weirdly to things. When I was talking I said, ‘Like you know, on Weekend Update or anything’ and that kind of went away so it seemed like I was saying something bad about those guys. I think they know that I think their show is great and would actually never be disparaging on their show.”
Well folks, you read it here first, (unless you read it somewhere else first, which is totally possible): Tina Fey clarified her comments because she still wants the option to have sex with me. Think about it. One day I publicly declare that I’m not going to have sex with Tina Fey due to some comments, and a few days later she explains those comments away. The facts don’t lie, readers.
As much as I am a man of principles, I am NOT one to hold a grudge. So Tina, if you’re reading, (”if.” HAH!), I am lifting the ban. I am unlocking the gates. I am removing the embargo. Spread the word readers, I will once again have filthy, filthy nerd sex with Tina Fey if she asks me to. Breathe it in folks, this is a big day.
It was a scary week, Tina, for both of us, but that’s all behind us now. Tickets for the ole’ midnight meat train are once again on sale. If you would like to further discuss this matter, perhaps over some half-priced appetizers or something, I would be more than willing to discuss that. Who knows. maybe we’ll even get a baby out of it, make some cash.
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March 29th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Man… I kind of miss the hating on Hannah Montana. I mean. From D.O.B. Everyone else seems to still be on the bandwagon.
What the hell, D.O.B? What the hell, indeed.
As for Neil. I must express my fright with your revelation about WalMart and Hannah Montana’s newest Axis of Evil.
Hold me.
March 29th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Has everyone’s seen the evil one’s latest partnership? Hannah Montana has joined forces with Wal Mart to further her cause of trying to take over the world. I am not kidding. I just saw a Wal Mart commercial talking about how great Hannah Montana is. The situation is getting dire, folks.
March 29th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Haha, babies under the bridge, honestly.
- Ross Oldorff Olstadsson McWhacker.
March 29th, 2008 at 11:37 am
How’s that saying go? It’s just a lot of babies under the bridge.
shayn n.
March 29th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Tina Fey, just so you know, you can have sex with me too! I want some of that nerd sex!
March 29th, 2008 at 1:45 am
Babies are ugly.
March 29th, 2008 at 12:59 am
Goddamn it, O’Brien, will you have sex with me?
March 28th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
So I guess the real question is how much would magazines pay for pictures of fetuses… Because Hannah Montana has to be getting her money from somewhere. I doubt that purile TV show of hers and even all the merchandise is enough to pay for the army of demonic robot ninjasaurs she is building. Actually, the real question is what would a snake monster want with demonic robot ninjasaurs? Isn’t she enough of an unstoppable evil force? Damn you Montana, what nefarious plots are you developing? Daniel O’Brien, you’re our only hope! What is the Abortomatic 5000 plotting!?
March 28th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Did you make a deal with “That who’s name shall not be spoken”. Has she got to you. If you need assistance escaping from “That who’s name shall not be spoken” evil clutches then put the phrase “my junk smells like a thai hooker” in your next article and I shall assemble my team to come rescue you.
March 28th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Not one Hannah Montana reference? She must have had Daniel O’Brien kidnapped and replaced with a drone of some sort!
March 28th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
that cell phone fooled me. those babies can be pretty sly.
i wouldnt have sex with tina fey because she screams out “jimmy fallon” at climax.
March 28th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
No one would pay you anything for babies that came out of your ass, they probably look and smell like shit or worse they might look like you.
March 28th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Hannah Montana is secretly controlling those who secretly control the Federal Reserve, using their stranglehold on the US economy to bring about a single World Currency, which will have her true Snake-demon form on one side, and picture of the pile of her aborted fetuses on the other, leading the the abolishment of the greenback in favour of the “deadbaby-back”. Cracked contributors will be left to ask “Are baby pictures really worth six million aborted fetuses?”
March 28th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Now, if Hannah would just leave one of her babies uneaten, she’d get fuck-o-zillions of money. Imagine the headlines “Baby pictures of antichrist”
March 28th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Hannah Montana has sex with babies to cure herself of AIDS, which she keeps getting from having sex with green monkeys and drinking the blood of heroin addicts.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
yeah sorry to sound mad, its no big deal
Im actually thinking of just sampleing a bunch of hannah montana quotes over it with me reading a hannah montana ‘facts’ inbetween.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Hannah Montana shows you adorable pictures of what your baby is going to look like, that roundhouse kicks you in the stomach.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Hannah Montana is the reason there is no hating on Hannah Montana in this post.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
@Daniel O’Brien R.E: Comment 2.
That’s what SHE said….
I know, I’m funny
March 28th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Hey, man, when you got Vocals on that glorious technical opus, let me know! I didn’t want to rush you, you’re an artist. Goodness gracious.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
man I worked freakin hard to get a demo of that song ready by now for you o’brien. and no mention… really. Granted it has no vocals yet, but I worked hard to record what I have now. but whatever.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=816355&songID=6401925
March 28th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I live with newly-weds, one of whom was my cousin before the wedding (now they both are I suppose) and she has giant pictures of herself all over the place. everywhere you look is a picture of her on their wedding day, and occasionally her groom. Every thank you note they sent out had a picture of them in it. Every present they gave for Christmas either had their picture on the tag or it WAS a picture of them for all these poor blokes to have to put up somewhere in their house as to not offend them if this couple ever comes over…. It’s really pretty sad. I guess my point is, I’m very scared for the day she had a baby.
March 28th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
sure but every time i offer someone money for pictures of their baby i get a restraining order against me. what kind of double standard is that?
March 28th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Baby pics can be extremely cute, but worth MILLIONS OF DOLLARS??? The way I see it, the question you really want to ask is where are these tabloids getting this kind of money to spend (no… waste) on such things?? From the morons who buy such trash in the first place - that’s who. Lets face it - news (these days at least) is all about what people want to read or see, NOT about what is actually happening or what really matters.
March 28th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I just came to this blog after looking at an email from a friend who just had a baby. It was crammed full of baby pictures. I did not even request these baby pictures and she sent them to me anyway.
March 28th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Oh andrew, it was inside you all along!
March 28th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
where’s the hating on hannah montana?