A NOTE FROM EDITOR IN CHIEF JACK O’BRIEN: Cody Johnston is the newest addition to the roster of Cracked columnists. The first thing you need to come to terms with is that Cody is … different. Not the euphemistic “different” a father might use when consoling an ugly child. More like the euphemistic “different” psychiatric professionals use to describe the patient whose roommates keep swallowing their tongues. As such, his schedule will be different. He’s going to post videos, songs and other things we’ve not seen in these parts and he’s going to post often. Some of his stuff will be sane enough to share with the masses on the front page, and some you’ll have to come find for yourself. But it will always leave you feeling at least a little bit, well, different. So hold on to your butts and try not to swallow your tongues (we recommend you use both hands for this) because, if you’re lucky, it’s going to be a weird ride.
This entry was posted on Saturday, October 10th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 27th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Pretty cool and very true, I guess. Hell, how should I know, I liked f*cking too much to ever make a guy wait that long.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:49 am
I’ll look forward to it!
October 19th, 2009 at 4:37 am
I do hate you …
October 18th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Wow, a new member of the family. This is big news. All the collumnist have a special place in my heart, you’ll have to prove your worth Cody.
October 17th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
only thing slightly funny you’ve done so far.
October 16th, 2009 at 10:05 am
His world is big. But the whole world is even bigger! Move on and discover it!
October 16th, 2009 at 12:42 am
welcome Cody!
October 15th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
It’s so damn true. Why must most women deny basic needs? Doesn’t make you a better person to wait…whatever. I’m glad I didn’t. And I’m sure my bf’s penis is glad too, so he doesn’t have to write a breakup letter like this.
Welcome Cody. Shall be intrigued with your future works.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Cody,
You are a f’ing genius. Oh if only I had you as my own personal Cyrano 15 years ago I wouldn’t still be a virgin today. To play devil’s advocate though chances are that if the girl had gone through with it this is what she would’ve seen: http://www.icanhasfishtaco.com/cock/huge-with-the-midget-scene.html
October 15th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
welcome Cody. make us puke with pure pubic cluster.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
_____WealthySeeker.com_____ is the best and largest online personals site dedicated to men and women seeking a higher caliber online dating experience.
Our clients include CEOs, Professional Athletes, Doctors, Lawyers, Investors, Entrepreneurs, Beauty Queens, Fitness Models, and Hollywood Celebrities,
just to name a few .Everyone is welcome here. You don’t have to be wealthy or famous.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:26 am
AM I STILL RELEVANT?
October 14th, 2009 at 7:26 am
I totally wrote the statement below this one! You can tell because it follows my composition, style, and general humor to the letter!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
October 13th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
dicks are three out four of my favorite meal! btw FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK
October 13th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
You know this is probably the largest comment page on three day old article I’ve ever read. As entertaining as this is I’d like to lay down some ground rules that you all should follow on any site that finds a comment section necessary
1. FAG FIRE DICK ASS isn’t clever, funny, or at all helpful.
2. If you wish to comment on an article then you must COMMENT on the ARTICLE not on the writer’s personal life or how much better SWAIM is.
3. Don’t use a comment log as your personal chat. it’s like having a conversation on restroom stall door. Your both full of shit and have to outlet your rectal rage on public property
4. If you find something offensive that’s okay but remember, this is the internet no one really cares.
5. ONE COMMENT AND YOUR DONE, once again you don’t go back to the McDonalds in Ohio to check who wrote about how much they disagree with your statement about Jews on the toilet.
Now for examples:
“I almost laughed.
Still a ways to go.”
GOOD
“Okay, for people saying: “This is what cracked is all about, dirty humor, etc.” that is true but at least that humor actually works. Good dirty humor is more than just “penis, penis, haha get it?” And this is just basically that.”
BETTER
“@Skullfucker
Don’t forget Swaim!”
POINTLESS
“your world is stupid, asshole, stop it!
now!!”
…..
October 13th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
tn, if this is Cracked’s shot at “humor for the females,” I think I’m either going to need a formal sex change or a new humour site. Didn’t find the needless repetition of the word “penis” amusing. Doubt anyone over 13 would find this particularly novel.
Also, let us be hypercritical shitheads if we want to be. Consider it Cracked’s version of hazing the new guy.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Also, the swallowing of tongues is a well documented involuntary reaction to reading or listening of something extremely unfunny. It’s the same principle as the Worlds Funniest Joke, but backwards.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Dear Jack O’Brien:
Admitting that the guy you hired last week is more devoid of humor than a PBS documentary on the historical significance of Saltine crackers in the 17th century does NOT excuse the fact that you’re still allowing him to post line after line of regurgitated, year-old bullshit. If I wanted a wild ride, I’d go to my weird Uncle Steve’s house and drop my pants. At least then, I’d know what I was getting into.
Reading a Cody article is like being raped in the funnybone by a clown.
October 13th, 2009 at 11:31 am
as a random reply to sammichweasel, yes, I find this article funny, oh and indeed, I did spend money on seeing and buying White Chicks, and I found that movie FUNNY.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Looks like this is humor for the females.. Come on guys, let’s at least have SOME articles specifically for them.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Thank you Jack O’Brien. I thought this Cody guy was just a disgruntled reject that had found a way to hack into the blog section. Now that I realize he’s just a mentally handicapped person you’re taking pity on, I’ll go back to ignoring him.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:18 am
It wasn’t hilarious but it was kind of funny.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Looks like the new guy writing this article just did a 360 through Cracked’s revolving door. I just read the previous article on Cannon Films and I’m guessing that’s where Cracked got this guy from.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:51 am
I don’t like this not because I’m offended by it—but simply because it’s NOT FUNNY. Legitimately not funny. I didn’t even crack a smile while reading it. Inserting the word “penis” every couple of words doesn’t make it inherently hilarious.
October 13th, 2009 at 5:05 am
@ Frank M.
Fuck you, asshole puritan.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Very nice!
Too honest. We need more men like that!
October 13th, 2009 at 4:32 am
I have to give the girl a thumbs up. Today the world is in decline and all it is driven by is sex, sex, sex. I am proud of her for wanting to wait to go all the way. The bible says sex should be between a man and his wife PERIOD! If the world would go back to what God wants God will fix the wrongs of the world.
Frank
October 12th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Really very funny, don’t worry about these folks posting negatively, they’ll appreciate it when they get above an 8th grade reading level. Kudos.
October 12th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Sorry Erin
October 12th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
btw i am not sure of the sites rules but it does seem that if Cody really wanted to, he could have scorced this woman but he didnt so maybe there is some truth to the fact that if not fictional he does still have feelings
October 12th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I’m officially confused.
October 12th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
You have to love posts like these lots of folks can hide. I wasnt making fun of you nor trying to troll a response out of by saying less then constructive things.
October 12th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
well personally I didn’t think it was anyone’s business but seeing as people seemed to make the assumption that I was a frigid virgin/lesbian/social reject and that this was the motivation for my opinions, I thought I’d correct them.
before I was being accused of bragging about not getting laid (cause I didn’t mention it) and now I’m being accused of bragging about getting laid, because I did mention it. sigh- the internet is special
oh and thanks Smapattack and A_Beaux! I’m glad you enjoyed my post :oP
October 12th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Erin,
Not that you are bragging or anything lol but thanks for letting us know you are active.
October 12th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
P.S. I love the magical wish fairy
October 12th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Hey Lukus- I’m actually not bragging about not getting laid. I was making a joke based upon the assumption of Papachabre that because I’m a feminist I don’t get laid. I actually have quite an active sex life, I just don’t think that everyone should have to have one if they don’t want to. It’s up to the individual- whether they want to sleep around, be a virgin, or anything in between! I saw someone being ragged on in here for being a virgin, I thought that was a bit slack, so I said what I thought.
and no I really don’t want a shift of power towards women- that would just be reverse sexism. personally I hate it when women complain about being discriminated against and then say things like “all men are stupid” or crack jokes about men being useless etc etc. It’s just as bad as men being derogatory about women. It’s a complete double standard.
Anyway I can see how you got your impression of me from my post, but it’s really not the case.
As to trying to get attention- no, I just saw some comments in here that interested me so I joined in. People have vehement arguments in the comments on Cracked all time- about history, movies etc- so why is this different?
anyway- just to repeat for the 50th time. I didn’t actually think the article was that bad, I just think it could have been a lot better. I look forward to seeing more of Cody’s work cause I reckon he’s got the goods.
October 12th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Lukus
What in the fuck? Did you headbutt a mastadon a dozen (that’s 12) times before mashing “submit” with your dick?
Look, I’m all for flaming people. It’s a bit of a hobby, truth be told. But for the love of all that is Ftaghn, at least pretend to read what you’re crapping out. That was a travesty, man.
October 12th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Article:
“My girl doesn’t put out. I will write a satirical short essay on how to say that I am dissatisfied with this in a very overly dramatic way.”
Comments:
“Ya rly chicks should put out.”
“You’re an asshat and shouldn’t hold her responsible for your happiness you misogynist.”
“I didn’t lol.”
“Don’t listen to the haters, believe in yourself and the magical wish-fairy will make everyone love you.”
The Scottbot:
There are 242 people who decided to chime in on a simple gag because it involves sex and is by a new(er) writer. There were 141 comments for the 6 natural disasters caused by humans. Humanity is hilarious. Continue to enjoy your procreation-related mental and societal breakdowns. Please use flamethrowers to resolve arguments. Send pics.
October 12th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
lol soz your quite sad*
October 12th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Erin, our quiet sad, please dont impose ur views on anyone because quite frankly ur the reason why society is the way it is. u brag on about equal rights as if ur gods gift to do so but im sorry, all u want and other feminists is to change the shift of power, and u women wont be happy till that happens, which is quite sad, ur no different that a toddler that want THAT TOY and not the other one, demanding and always wants attention. Sure we arnt forcing u to fuck someone, but if ur gona sit there and brag on about how ur not gona get laid, please do it somewhere else and dont overshadow the work Cody is trying to let out, he is going a great job and u feminists want all the attention, go to some studpid site and post angry letters cause frankly ur sexist comments are not welcome here, we dont care about your views, and thats me putting it nicely!
October 12th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
The url’s quite funny. I bet someone else wrote that.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
So, the original version of this was in no way funny. The addition of the picture made it perfect.
Kudos, Cody! I still think you should light your own dick on fire, but at least now I hope you die quickly.
October 12th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Congratulations Erin! You’re post is funnier/better than this article!
Also, Papachabre can go suck a dick.
October 12th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Erin I <3 you
I’m a feminist also on Cracked for the funny and this ain’t it. I suppose we should be more supportive of nascent comedic ‘talent’ though.
B+, must try harder.
Papachabre maybe you should find a keyboard that you’re better able to work with newly-acquired opposable-thumb skills?
I think Cracked should have some female columnists. I nominate…um….me! Yay!
October 12th, 2009 at 8:14 am
This isn’t funny! Why would anybody find it funny? I’m actively trying not to be really offensive, on the off chance that someone at Cracked will read this and realise that Cody isn’t funny and immediately remove all trace of him from the site.
Maybe kill him too. I know that might seem harsh, but seriously, someone who writes something like that probably shouldn’t be allowed to live.
October 12th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Ugh. People find this guy funny? Must be the same folks that made White Chicks profitable. I fear for Cracked.
October 12th, 2009 at 7:37 am
While reading your break up letter at school. I feared that my loud annoying laugh would cause a librarian to come over to my PC to see what I was doing. I tried ever so hard to not laugh so loud, but this leter was so hilarious I nearly fell the the floor. laugh, laugh, laugh, oh how much I laughed.
October 12th, 2009 at 4:32 am
Nice work dude, it was hilarious!! keep it up! Dont listen to any of these idiots without a sense of humour.
October 12th, 2009 at 4:03 am
papachabre- I’m on cracked because it’s funny?
like I said before- just because I believe in equal rights between men and women doesn’t mean I can’t laugh at a well crafted boob joke…I just didn’t think this partic thing was THAT funny.
thanks for the advice about my apparently dusty vagina. any words of wisdom on the cobwebs? also a family of borrowers has set themselves up in there (it really is amazing what they can make out of buttons and matchsticks). do you think I should serve them an eviction notice or perhaps just a nicely worded letter? something along the lines of
“Dear Borrowers,
Thankyou for occupying my otherwise empty vagina. However upon the advice of someone on the internet I have decided to give everything a good spring clean and try to get someone to penetrate me. You are more than welcome to stay however I must warn of a possible penis intrusion that may cause damage to your ingeniously crafted possessions. I would hate for this to happen as you know how highly I value ingenuity. Don’t feel the need to hurry however- as pointed out my desire for the equality and dignity of all human beings regardless of gender may infringe upon my ability to mate. To that effect I will be attempting to dumb myself down by watching many episodes of ‘Girls of the Playboy Mansion’ and ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’. It has been an honour housing you my tiny friends. Do feel free to visit the clitoris again before you leave (haha!).
Yours Sincerely,
Erin”
I can see it all so clearly now. I have been incredibly uptight. I’m going to destroy the petition I’ve been circulating about this article for the last several hours and go bedazzle some of my t-shirts with phrases like “cock hungy” and “slut bunny” in order to kick start my new journey into being laid back (literally).
Thanks for everything Papachabre, you have changed my life.
October 12th, 2009 at 3:53 am
your stuff is not funny, nor will it ever be up to the standard of Swaim and DOB
October 12th, 2009 at 2:47 am
To Cody: It’s a shame you’ll never get to frisk that. She looks like she could be a best under the sheets.
To Feminists: For one, what are you doing on Cracked.com? Two, maybe if you dust off that vag, find a man that will put out with you (good luck) and put out once and a while you wouldn’t be so uptight.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:50 am
Well done mate, forget about all those fuckwits that send hatemail vibes towards ur skill, they are all jealous virgins that are waiting for their cherry to be popped,(notice how i said they are all female, zing!!1!) …but seriously keep going dude, ur doing very well, i wish i was a cracked columnist one day, would be a great job!
GOOD LUCK DOOOODE!
October 12th, 2009 at 1:41 am
You people need to lighten up. Geez.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:32 am
I ain’t even going to read this and im already going to say “FECK YOU FECKER!”
October 12th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Linda, you’re worthless.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
__ClassyMingle.com__ is the best and largest online personals site dedicated to men and women seeking a higher caliber online dating experience.
Our clients include CEOs, Professional Athletes, Doctors, Lawyers, Investors, Entrepreneurs, Beauty Queens, Fitness Models, and Hollywood Celebrities,
just to name a few .Everyone is welcome here. You don’t have to be wealthy or famous.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Fine. Jack says chill, I will chill. I still hate this guy, though.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Did you at least get to touch her boobs?
October 11th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Shut the fuck up JESUS.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
haha much better sir!
Glad you’re finding your rhythm
October 11th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
I liked this letter…gave me a good laugh.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
[...] Cracked.com by Palmer | Categories: Uncategorized | Enjoyed this article? Subscribe to the full RSS [...]
October 11th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I thought it was funny…
October 11th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
tl dr
October 11th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
WTF is going on here? Why do people come to cracked and then get all stupid in the comments? Just read the post, like it or don’t like it, and remember that these people are trying to bring you a little bit of fucking humor to your daily routine FOR FREE.
Seriously, seriously.
HUGS AND KISSES,
Frank Roosevelt
October 11th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
People..give this guy a break..he started 5 days ago…unless this guy is a fucking bo comedy genius…his first few tries won’t likely be funny…
October 11th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
“That letter could have been said in these six words: “you aren’t having sex with me.” I know you wanted to milk the humour but as an asexual and feminist I’m pretty sick of males complaining about women not putting out. Learn to do it yourself sometimes! Sheesh!”
Natalie- I started off writing a message saying that I disagree with you but then as I was typing I realise that I don’t.
The thing that bothers me about this article is that the girl is the one represented as being the problem, when really the guy is a bit of a tool…I know it’s a joke but seeing as it didn’t really make me laugh I’m not really willing to ignore the dodgy premise.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Nikita- firstly, all feminists aren’t lesbians (in fact lesbians were excluded from the feminist movement). Secondly, anyone who is female or gives a shit about equal rights should care about feminists unless they want to go back to the dark ages. And thirdly, you seem to be labouring under the delusion that all feminists are lesbian man-haters who are determined to see everything as an attack on women and have no sense of humor. I’m sure I can’t convince you otherwise but I do feel the need to point out how irredeemably stupid you are for thinking that. Congratulations.
As to the piece- it was alright, it seemed more like an idea that hadn’t been fully developed than an end product though. I expected it to be longer and to push a bit further. But I did enjoy the “Puritan from 17th century England” line.
Smapattack- props for the whole virgin thing. I don’t see why people look down on others for not wanting to have random sex. I think you’ll find that the particular men who have a really adverse reaction to it will subscribe to the belief that women who have sex are sluts and women who don’t are frigid. And of course women who don’t want to have sex with them are lesbians. Never of course considering various other possibilities including that HE may actually be the problem, or more likely that it has nothing to do with him (or men) whatsoever and is a decision made by the individual without deference to any man. Being the narcissist this type of person is however such a concept I’m sure is baffling to him.
Anyway, don’t bother with the idiots- they’ll never get it.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
@Natalie: And you seriously think that direct of a statement is going to ellicit comedy gold ? Do you actually think a girl is going to RESPECT a guy who actually euphamistically displays the brass ones enough to be that direct…after “all we’ve been through together” ?
This is just one more example of communication disconnect. Hello ?!? If he’s made any overtures ( respectfully, mind you ), and she’s still not “getting it” ? Please, this is no different than if women were citing “fear of commitment” ( “my biological clock is ticking”, “I want to know there’s a future here”, etc., etc. ) to cut off a relationship.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
You’re fired.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Here’s one thing that slightly baffles me:
It’s known as “Vortex Flow” even though the vorticity is zero at every point except the origin. While I suppose this is reasonable mathematically, in terms of real-world sensibilities it just doesn’t make sense.
At the very least, some basic nomenclature principals must be violated.
Whatever though. I guess I can’t really go against the fundamentals of incompressible flow theory and everything it’s contributed to the study of fluid and aerodynamics.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Well, I hope he gets better. But I think this one was just to fill up his COCK JOKE LULZ quota so he can start making stuff that is actually funny. We’ll see, no?
October 11th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
this has been my last two b/f… lol
October 11th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Wow. This isn’t funny. At all. For shame, Cracked, for shame.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Cody,
Are you going to let Jontam talk about your own MOTHER like that?
October 11th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Hey Cody,
Nice piece. Don’t listen to these untalented, whining assholes.
Good luck
October 11th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Nicole-
No offense and it’s just a hunch, but I’m guessing you don’t put out much.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Ok i dont get it, at all.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Holy sweet mother of fuck, how did my little bastard get so many fucking diggs?
I’d congratulate you, son, but like I stated several times in the “Texting Tweens” comments, encouraging you only plays into your fucked up delusions. These people are laughing AT you, not WITH you, dear.
Love,
Mum
October 11th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
tldr version:
I want you to touch my penis. I also want to be funny. I’m making references. It’s not going to work, because you wont touch my penis.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
yea,
i agree with absolutely everyone who commented. this kinda sux
October 11th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
“I’m guessing Smapattack is either virgin, a lesbian bull, or fat. Probably all three.”
I’m a virgin. None of the others apply. I have been “asked out” by frat assholes and have declined on many occasions. Mainly because they’re assholes. Figures.
“Sex is important in every relationship, no one is going to be content with not getting any because that’s simply how human are hard-wired. And yes, amazingly enough, women also want sex and are just as likely to cheat or break it off for this reason.”
Let’s be honest here, men want it a loooot more than women. As for not having sex, it’s a thing called “self-control”. I will never, of my own will, have sex with another guy before I know the guy for quite a while and before I am married. If a guy wants that it has to be earned. I know that if I had sex with a man or a few men and then got married to someone who had saved themselves for marriage, I would feel like I cheated him. Really, what’s wrong with waiting for the right woman/man. You will know that you didn’t give yourself away for a cheap thrill.
You may say, “People will be people.” I do acknowledge this. I acknowledge it in the same way I acknowledge how there will always be fat people, people who smoke, people who cheat on a test etc… It’s that temptation and people are weak. Especially, this spoiled generation.
“Yeah, there is no social stigma associated with knocking a girl up and leaving. None at all. And lol at ‘vectors’.”
Are you kidding me? There’s no stigma attached to that? What about the guy’s responsibility? He’s just as guilty as the woman. What about the kid’s feelings? You say there’s no social stigma attached to leaving a woman you impregnated, but at the very core what does YOUR child think of you? He/she thinks you are a lazy fucker who didn’t take responsibility for his actions, didn’t love his or her mother and, in turn, didn’t love him/her. Besides, I’m pretty sure if you told people, “I left a girl I impregnated” you would be looked down upon.
Yes, men ARE vectors. Women contract the disease, get it? lololol.
“You are dumb.”
Noooo, I’m entitled to my own opinion.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Jack O’Brian: Is Cody your adopted son or something? Because I can see no other way you would put this shit on Cracked.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
This is bullshit. Where’s the top 10?
October 11th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Feminists, who gives a fuck about a bunch of dikes?
Seriously.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Actually, this is the first thing Cody has written which I find funny. Basically because it manages to mix penis-humour (which I like) with observational humour (which I sometimes like).
If it had some boobies in it, I would have given this post my highest score (two stars) but because it didn’t have boobies it gets my lowest score (two stars).
October 11th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I think “different’ in this context is actually euphemism for ‘not particularly good at comedy’. Jack O’Brien, did you actually read any of this guy’s stuff before he was hired, or did your PA just summarise it for you in such a way that it actually sounded funny?
‘…and he’s going to post often’ threat
PENIS….hahaha…penis.
*rolls eyes*
October 11th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Haha, this is actually pretty funny. Don’t mind the feminists, they always disagree anyway.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
“Feminists, go jump off a bridge. You don’t want equality, you just want the good shit of being a guy, you’re not willing to pay for dinner, or open up doors for guys like we do for you, it’s always women and children first. You’re hypocrites, and not wanted here.”
Really? Because judging by that comment she’s not the jealous one. Also judging by that comment you’re clearly one of those insecure guys that make guys look bad.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Feminists, go jump off a bridge. You don’t want equality, you just want the good shit of being a guy, you’re not willing to pay for dinner, or open up doors for guys like we do for you, it’s always women and children first. You’re hypocrites, and not wanted here.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Wow, this was a waste of time. Not funny at in the least.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Okay, for people saying: “This is what cracked is all about, dirty humor, etc.” that is true but at least that humor actually works. Good dirty humor is more than just “penis, penis, haha get it?” And this is just basically that.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Awesome job Cody!
Don’t mind the feminists, everyone knows they’re ALWAYS angry ;D
October 11th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Cody keep it up you’re awesome. Love your work.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:18 am
i don’t get why so many women seem to be offended…it’s funny and he was saying it about a fictitious woman, not YOU specifically. jeez, lighten up
October 11th, 2009 at 11:08 am
damn it people I want some comedy!
October 11th, 2009 at 11:07 am
I agree with ‘natalie’ down the page a bit
as a feminist im angry,
ALL women HATE stuff like this. try and cater for everyone next time.
. . . .well, not ALL women, im sure some of those fake accounts down the page dont mind
October 11th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Did the collective monocle pop off? I thought it was funny.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Great post buddy, the home alone one was epic too.
“You and me, just seconds before we didn’t fuck.”
October 11th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I love it how cracked readers think that they’re above some imaginary comedy brow line. You love dick jokes and you know it.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Please tell me that he won’t keep posting those awful videos about fake games, because this was kind of good.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:56 am
The letter sounds like its from a guy who just got dumped due to his little prick. Like he didn’t get any because the gal has a size restriction and he wasn’t big enough.
In fact, it sounds just like Cody. Well, Cody and his little weener, but we will just say Cody because his weener is so small it aint even counted.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:05 am
i thought it was really funny! lighten up people.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Wow… there’s a lot of hate towards Cody. Someone even told him to die in a fire. That’s pretty harsh.
Seriously, though, you better improve quick, man, or these guys will eat you alive.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Have fun, find your love for 100% free on ____ http://www.diamondsingle.com is a private exclusive dating club to meet millionaires, rich and beautiful men and women worldwide. Find your perfect match easier and more effective! Hope you can find your perfect match
October 11th, 2009 at 5:39 am
$50 says that Natalie isn’t asexual by choice.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:16 am
oh yeah, you tell him
October 11th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Finally, this site has everything, from shitty articles (e.g 99% of Cody’s crap) to really good ones (99% of everything else).
And to all the haters that hate haters and quotes that cody doesn’t give a shit?
I dont give a shit whether people give a shit about the shit that i give to them.
All i care about, is ranting about how shitty this article is and hope that my articles deliver a subtle *Fuck You Cody!* that might make him give a shit, but then again i dont give a shit whether he gives a shit about shit thats said about him.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:49 am
That letter could have been said in these six words: “you aren’t having sex with me.” I know you wanted to milk the humour but as an asexual and feminist I’m pretty sick of males complaining about women not putting out. Learn to do it yourself sometimes! Sheesh!
October 11th, 2009 at 3:26 am
For f#!@ sake!!! Cut the guy some slack….. Personally i didn’t find this funny not one bit, but really its all a matter of taste in humor, this is probably for those who are between the age of 12-15, who spend their time on funnjunk.com looking at subtle pictures of dicks.
If you don’t find this funny then don’t bother wasting your time commenting, just scroll on to different Cracked article.
*hint* Greatest Hits *hint*
October 11th, 2009 at 3:14 am
Good stuff very funny. Sometimes we all just need to relax and enjoy simple comedy.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:26 am
not even remotely funny
October 11th, 2009 at 2:17 am
“It wasn’t ha-ha funny”
October 11th, 2009 at 2:13 am
That will teach me to shorten ideas with crocodile teeth… long story short, no matter how many dick jokes you throw at a joke, there still has to be a joke worth laughing at in or around the punchline.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:11 am
“He just says the word “penis” about a half dozen times, makes an obvious dick-size pun a few times, all of it revolving around the reason for break-up being not getting any, without actually being clever about it.”
No, I didn’t read any further than this post, because this is perfect.
I read “this article” a week ago after being away from cracked for a couple days. I immediately began wondering if I needed to find a new site to visit. Now its re-posted with a corkboard background and that’s supposed to make it funny? This is like way back when: when someone would reference Seinfeild jokes saying “What is the deal with ??”
If I thought being funny online was as easy as this, I’d have my own site. Cracked needs to cut the chaff. I could write a funnier article about getting high and staring at a wall. “You know what this wall reminds me of… . … … .”
It’s like that guy at work that keeps making jokes that you have to laugh at because you aren’t sure how close to the boss he is.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:26 am
I love this! I wish all men would be this honest! Brilliant!
October 11th, 2009 at 1:11 am
So awfully funny.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Anyone who finds this funny is an asshole
Comedy will only get worse when we encourage shitty comedy.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
If you came here for intelligent and provocative humor, you came to the wrong place, trolls. Welcome, Cody. Funny shit XD
October 10th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Oh my god, all you peoples are hilarious. go read the frickin’ new yorker. laugh at the political cartoons in the new york times. it’s cracked. if i wanted rampant use of the word penis, i come here. if i want to laugh at columnists who refer to a vagina as both a fearful weapon and something they view with wary awe, i come here. i come here because it’s stupid, crude, childish, and freakin’ hilarious. and sometimes informative. and you know what? you can’t complain about it, because, honestly, do the writers ever claim to be more sophisticated than monkeys with one hand up their butt and the other obliviously but contentedly yankin’ a penis? no! they don’t, not even the girl ones (as a girl myself, does erotically rubbing my breasts count in lieu of a good yanking?). go, get out of here you snuffy peoples! GIVE ME BALL JOKES!
October 10th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
just want to say he is not diffrant he is like JOHN , everone who knows about EDITOR IN CHIEF JACK O’BRIEN knows about John so it was funnier that way… at least for me
October 10th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
I think the problem is not so much girls not opening their legs. If anything, girls’ legs are open 24/7 to whoever says “i love you”…. Its near impossible to find pure or even remotely modest women anymore. Its sad, and the above “letter” is pretty far off the mark, but still very funny .
October 10th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
“Different” is not the word you’re looking for. The correct term is “shit”. I used to be able to say “Well, even though the rest of the site’s hit and miss the columnists are pretty much always great.” Fuck you, Cody.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Don’t get me wrong though, I think his stuff is pretty funny , I kinda like weird shit , keep it up.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
I am ok with “different” , but will he be doing the same stuff over and over again? Didn’t I just read this the other day in a “different” format , under a different title ? …or maybe I’ve been smokin’ more weed than I thought.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
This was childish and repetitive. That’s why I didn’t like it. I’m not just a mindless critic of something new. An eleven-year-old could have come up with this. The premise of the article was good, but the article itself sucked. He just says the word “penis” about a half dozen times, makes an obvious dick-size pun a few times, all of it revolving around the reason for break-up being not getting any, without actually being clever about it.
If “different”, means “less funny than the other columnists”, then yes, he is “different”.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Why do people keep saying “Ahhh, you guys are asshats, give the guy a break”? This is a HUMOR site, and this guy isn’t funny at all.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Nice work Cody.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Well, I almost popped an entire bottle of adderall in attempt to figure out why so many comments were made about this mock letter. I realized I was able to scroll down to infinity but then assumed that if I go too far, my cursor might not even make it back to why I clicked on this link in the first place.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Lame
October 10th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Got to love the haters who can’t even read well enough to realize Cody didn’t call himself “different”, Jack-o did. And the people douchetastic enough to give advice on how to be funny. And the dude who demands you read the comments rather than ignore them.. I mean, after all, as you can tell from the comments on the other columnists’ posts, the comments are extremely constructive and helpful for understanding your general audience. Not filled with douches and trolls, at all.
But.. to the point of my post:
I like Cody’s style. This may seem weird.. but there’s something about this stuff that reminds of Louis Sachar’s work. Which might seem an insult since he writes children books, but it’s honestly not. Cody has a similar non sequitur, silly, sarcastic style and I appreciate it. It’s very different from the other Cracked columnists and it’s refreshing.
Loved the Twitter video.. and love this. Glad that you’ll be on Cracked regularly. Props to you, Cody.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
to be frank, i just like the guy because he is lebanese. don’t let us down bro.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Great job dude.
Hope to see some more of your stuff.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Come on, give the guy a break, ive read some of his stuff on this and i thought it was pretty good. I dont come readin this site lookin to shit myself out of the sheer funnyness of somethin…that’s what my saturday nights are for. Sundays are for cleaning. And Jacob, dude….your not funny and if you seriously think you are, may i ask where YOUR published articles on humour websites are? Your own shitty little blog doesnt count btw. Don’t worry, ill wait whilst you come up with another “hilarious” rape joke.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
tldr like omg
October 10th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Ok, so, like, it is the comments section and I MIGHT be the one missing the point… But 4 out of 5 comments here really have no better response than, “Uh, who the fuck asked you?”
Is it like in the Cracked fine print somewhere that the comments section is the complaint form: “Please tell us how and why you didn’t like this joke, try to be as detailed as possible please.”
It’s a fucking joke, read it, laugh or don’t laugh, and move the fuck on. If you find it particularly funny, post “LOZXL” or something.
Holy fucking shit.
This rant has been building up for awhile.
I mean, why do you people even come to this site? This analogy might work: I’ve shelled out relatively big money in my lifetime to see some of my favorite comedians, but even with them, I didn’t find every joke funny. Plus, all the people around me that also shelled out dollars, obviously liking the comedian enough to do so, had varying responses to the different jokes. Ones that had me hysterical left others merely chuckling mirthfully, and vice versa.
You mother hubbards don’t seem to even grasp the concept of humor. It’s not a specific job like doing your taxes or mowing the lawn, it’s fucking semi-abstract art.
Jesus fucking christ.
/rant
October 10th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Yoh man is fun. I likes it so much I sent same letter to five of my girlfriendz. Same letter I sent to three mothers of my other girlfriends as a guide to educate their little daughters.
Alos Jack makes a good decision.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Yeah Jacob, you have the comedic sense of a thirteen year old with down syndrome
October 10th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I’m calling bullshit on that editor’s note. Cracked has been hacked, yes? Because it’s supposed to be a *humor* site…
October 10th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Hold on a sec, I think I missed the funny part :/
October 10th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Good job, Cody. I thought this was funny. And I also thought that Jacob’s unnecessary comments were not funny. Jacob grossly overestimates his sense of humor and shock value. I think, after further pondering, that Cody is funnier than Jacob. There’s a difference between an organized break-up letter full of penis jokes and a slew of terrible (not the French terrible, the English terrible) rape imagery. You’re commenting on the wrong website, Mr. Funniest Dude Ever.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
This happens with me everytime.
Seriously, women out there: My penis isn’t gonna fuck itself.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Yeah, Thats gonna work
btw cold and distant is a taxi driver reference?
October 10th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
You really dropped the ball. i mean its a page of predictable jokes about dick bragging and men complaining about girls “waiting 4 the rite time”. clearly doesn’t belong to cracked as it doesn’t contain any interesting fact or at least chuckle-worthy humor.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
P.s my post will probably et more laughs from its 35 words than you did with your cant be bothered counting piece of shit article, thats the problems with first impressions pal, you made one and if I knew where you lived you would make me change my ritual and rape a man
October 10th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Short and sweet and to the point. I’m starting to like you, kid ^_^
October 10th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I normally never troll but this was so unfunny I went out and raped 6 women, 3 of them turned into murders, Cody hope you can live with their blood, mostly vaginal blood, on your hands.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
this is terrible, i find death letters more humorous than this shit. fuck you cody
October 10th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
not funny, not funny, not funny, not funny etc etc etc
October 10th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I’m not sure what’s provoked all these douchebag hate comments. Common sense tells you that if you don’t like someone’s articles, you either read from another columnist or go to some other site.
I think “Vagitoe” summed it all up in his/her (but most likely his) comment.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Well done! hahaha
October 10th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
…
It’s not that this isn’t funny, not at all. It’s that you can find numerous letters nearly identical to this one all over the internet. It’s not new, fresh, or anything of the sort.
Then again, it was funny on those other sites I guess, so why wouldn’t it work here? Oh wait… it didn’t, really.
Comments were the best part/10
October 10th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Typo! The title should be “Most Honest Break Up Letter (from Middle School) Ever.” Either Cody is within that age range, or that was the last time he had friendly contact with a woman.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Honestly,when it comes to dick jokes,there’s a right way and a wrong way. Seanbaby does it the right way. Nice try,though.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
just as long as he’s a shit ton funnier than seanbaby, I’ll welcome him (and his penis) with open arms.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
..and I want more fat girls in party hats, Seanb… I mean, Miguel.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Uhh… If this is the hot, up and coming writer, than im more excited about hot come on my face from a funny master of the cock-joke: Seanbaby.
October 10th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
fuck cody i hope you die of aids
October 10th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Jesus if this is the hottest prospect this site has then thank god I am dying of aids
October 10th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
8==D
October 10th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
That would of been a decent one line joke, but we don’t really need a whole page on “I’m breaking up with you because you wont touch my wiener”.
October 10th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
fuck cody i seen what he said about me in his book
October 10th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
huhu penis
October 10th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Okay honestly if this all you’re going to talk about at least take a few pointers from seanbaby, who actually makes this kind of humor funny. (This probably did the opposite..)
October 10th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I thought it was funny (in the other post). Stop complaining! Its not that hard to simply not read posts from him if your that mad about a new member.. I’m still a Bucholz fan, but give Cody time. You never know what might show up
October 10th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Okay, honestly, I’m a female and I have to say that the main difference between a friend and a boyfriend is that you screw one of them. Now if its your friends that you’re screwing then you go ahead and have fun but for most…its their significant other.
Yeah, I can talk to him but I can talk to my friends too. My friends however are not going to take care of my other needs.
October 10th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
COPY AND PASTE IF YOU HATE CODY KEEP THIS POST ALIVE————
I am fairly sure that this is just a slightly edited repost of something from a while ago that cody wrote.seriously he just edited in the note on the bottom about how hes the new columist.
Do you really want someone this dishonest replacing Ross?
I dont fellow citizens i dont…
COPY AND PASTE IF YOU HATE CODY KEEP THIS POST ALIVE———
October 10th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
tits or GTFO
October 10th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
@Smapattack-You have obviously never hailed a prostitute my good sir the ones without herpes can cost thousands of dollars a night! if you have enough money to do THAT for the rest of your life then you don’t need a prostitute you’ve already got drunk sorority girls all over you
October 10th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Oh my, somebody new. You’ll learn what a “Cracked Shot” is soon enough.
October 10th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
@slim jim
just don’t read the stuff than and go somewhere else
October 10th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
smapattack, because life is short and whores arent as fun. get sexed before you get old and die. I am no different from my father, and my fathers father in this regaurd. they just had class about it.
October 10th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I’m guessing Smapattack is either virgin, a lesbian bull, or fat. Probably all three.
Sex is important in every relationship, no one is going to be content with not getting any because that’s simply how human are hard-wired. And yes, amazingly enough, women also want sex and are just as likely to cheat or break it off for this reason.
Yeah, there is no social stigma associated with knocking a girl up and leaving. None at all. And lol at ‘vectors’.
You are dumb.
October 10th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
This generation sucks. I hate guys like that. Why don’t you just go get a prostitute every night? I mean, relationships revolve around sex, right? If that’s so important to you just pay a whore and pay her to fuck you every night until you die. Isn’t that a life of contentment?
And who cares about the girlfriend’s feelings? She’s just the one who has the most risk as men are vectors and she could get a disease never mind the risk of pregnancy too since women have to deal with the baby and the guys can just walk off. But it’s a throwaway culture, so who gives a shit?
October 10th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I laughed….because your name is cody
October 10th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@Skullfucker
Don’t forget Swaim!
October 10th, 2009 at 11:59 am
@ Totally_Not_A_Big_Daddy
It IS bad if the “humor” isn’t funny. Quality > quantity.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:58 am
This was painfully unfunny.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Lol, nice. More humor on the humor site is definitely not bad.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Congrats Cody! Keep up the good work… And you might not want to open the gift DOB will give you…
October 10th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Nowadays, sex = relationship.
No sex = gtfo.
This generation scares me, it really does.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I like this. Keep it up, I look forward to hearing more from you.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:31 am
If you ask me, I like Cody Johnston, and think he is is a welcome change to the usual cracked lineup, which is great in general but lacks variety ( is it just me, or are DOB and Brockway writing a little too similarly these days?). I enjoy tales of violent fucktardety as much as the next guy, with with Wolisnky gone, gladstone was left as the only comedian in the site trying to do something different and intelligent. Godspeed Cody Johnston, lets see what you can do
October 10th, 2009 at 11:24 am
I actually liked this one.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Keep it up, you’re work that is.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I wish my ex boyfriend could read this and realize how much of a moron he is for breaking up with me considering I wanted to do him all the time!
October 10th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Booooo Hissssss
October 10th, 2009 at 10:51 am
wasnt this another article?
October 10th, 2009 at 10:37 am
That was completely humorless. Cody go back to your dayjob, list based comedy is obviously beyond your skill.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Y’ever notice how the people who describe themselves as “different” or “out-there” or “crazy” always seem to have the most toothless, pedestrian and/or derivative sense of humor?
October 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
You’re right, batyzero. This is the exact same post from four days ago. I hate to say it but between this, the photoshop contest, and the topic, this is the worst Cracked update day ever.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Awesome! I’m expecting big things coming from Cody. But not his penis.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Permission to print this and give it to my girlfriend?
October 10th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I enjoyed it. I think Cody is off to a good start.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:57 am
If that is a picture of you, then *cody* is a woman and has no penis.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Cody, I want you inside of me
October 10th, 2009 at 9:52 am
*snicker*
Cody, my good sir, from the few gender-specific names I see in the comments, I dare say your style somehow appeals more to the under appreciated female fanbase of Cracked.com (yes, even with pieces like this). I, for one, am proud to join those ranks.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Dear Cody,
There is nothing good about who you are or what you do.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:31 am
For some reason, I didn’t find the penis jokes funny.
And I ALWAYS find penis jokes funny. That isn’t a good sign…
October 10th, 2009 at 9:27 am
I am fairly sure that this is just a slightly edited repost of something from a while ago that cody wrote.seriously he just edited in the note on the bottom about how hes the new columist.
Do you really want someone this dishonest replacing Ross?
I dont fellow citizens i dont…
October 10th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Better than his last post.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Unfunny.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:59 am
hahaha awesome! you know I think it takes a special kind of person to understand this kind of humour…. only a few understand it, some have won Nobel Prizes, the others aren’t aloud sharp things because of what they might do with them…
October 10th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Ah yes. Every country has a Cody in its humor milieu. It will be hit and miss for awhile. What you will lack in humor efficiency, you will make up for in VOLUME VOLUME VOLUME!!!
Keep it coming. This non-sequitur stuff has to find its groove. If you get self-conscious, it will all get messed up. Stopping is the only mistake.
I know all this because I am the most boring guy on the planet. I have only made up one joke in my life, but it is a doozy. Wanna hear it?
October 10th, 2009 at 8:54 am
As long as he doesn’t do anymore videogame videos, I don’t mind the addition.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:48 am
This is just bad. Not remotely funny, original or even mildly amusing. I’m not sure why some people think his style of writing is any good either. This style is something you might expect from an 8th grader at best, not someone who is being PAID to write. I come here to be entertained, but I also really enjoy the knack for turn of phrase that a lot of these writers have, and this guy does not have it. He’s out of his league big time.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Eh, this was a big “meh” for me. It got a slight grin out of me, but it definitely wasn’t laugh-out-loud funny. Hopefully these will get better in time.
Oh, and don’t listen to that guy telling you not to read the comments. That’s a horrible idea. If you don’t know what your audience wants from you or thinks of your work, how are you going to improve?
October 10th, 2009 at 8:33 am
yeah.. this new guy sucks ..
October 10th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Let’s hope that Cody gets better soon otherwise you’re just going to have to ship him off to CollegeHumor where the articles a specifically required to not use anything more intelligent than a bro-y dick joke.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:31 am
“My only hope is that you are soon forced to relive the pain of your deflowering, and that it persists until the end of your days.”
You had a great point until you came to that, and then you had to pull that royal douche rapist comment. Seriously. It’s somewhat indicative when, out of all the jackasses in these comments, the one with anything resembling false feminist rhetoric is the one provokes a flurry of furious responses. It’s not helping your case to bring up stories of serially banging virgins or whatever - especially when trying to express the pleasure of mutual sexual reciprocity in relationships.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Antonio: You’re right. Cody Johnston is a weird man-child, and has been ever since he found that monolith floating in orbit around Jupiter. In addition to an adorably large forehead, the monolith gave him the power of writing stuff that’s only funny to awesome people. You aren’t saying that you’re not awesome, are you? Are you?
Also he can cure butt cancer.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Poor penis.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Amusing article..not hilarious, but sit-back-and-smirk funny. We’ve all been there.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:14 am
222222222222222222222222222222222222i watche2d frien2ds lat 2night2 it wa real2ly goood
October 10th, 2009 at 8:14 am
no 2he’2s2 the 2gu2y fro2m2 the 2w2izard 2of ozz222222222222222222222
October 10th, 2009 at 8:13 am
222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222 i e2at 2babie2s and it its good and stuff and i like to pet 2my feeret 2because 2she 2is a robot evil wax machine from planet orange
October 10th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Is he the guy in Zombieland?
October 10th, 2009 at 8:13 am
22222222222222222222222222222222222
October 10th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Shit, and I thought my hopes for Seanbaby were low.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I’m so happy to see Cody Johnston become a regular on Cracked. I am looking forward to checking his page daily!
Cody, never read the Cracked comment section. It’s generally filled with genius-hating assholes.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:58 am
I guess “different” means “not funny at all” in the Cracked offices.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Pathetic. I hope he’s cheap.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Just had a final thought: how old is Cody Johnston? I hope he’s a kid… otherwise he’s some kind of weird man-child or something…maybe child-man? Hm-whatever he is: bad article hahahahahahaha
October 10th, 2009 at 7:48 am
hey, err, Dude-Whatwrongwithyou - XD You’re hilarious. Maybe YOU should write a puritanical article you annoying little bastard.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:45 am
*sigh* getting older is not fun, i’m only 23 and already more and more shit just has the same weird feel of like, seeing nikolodeon or something. I guess this is funny if you’re 16?….*sigh* EVERYTHING was funny then!
oh yeah- this article totally blows, was my point.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:34 am
What will you think when mentioned dating site:Create account,Online chat,Upload files and pass the time…..anything else? NO
In the site:__sugarloves___ you can not only enjoy above but also earn money. Totally free go join!!!This is real,we regularly award $100 to the owners of quality suggestions.
Maybe you are the owner!!!
October 10th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Congrats, Cody! Always been a fan!
October 10th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Yes waiting too long for sex is definitely one of the biggest mistakes girls make
October 10th, 2009 at 7:22 am
oooohhhh right, a new columnist! cant wait for time to hone your comedic skills
October 10th, 2009 at 7:21 am
I enjoyed this, even though it reminded me of what an asshole I was in high school.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Can I have those five minutes of my life back now?
October 10th, 2009 at 7:13 am
He mentions all the haters and doesn’t fucking care? Great! Kudos to him. His article still sucked ass though.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:08 am
i love you already, cody johnston
October 10th, 2009 at 7:05 am
What’s his doctorate in? Because I think we’d all feel a lot more comfortable if we knew.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:57 am
What’s wrong with all you people taking this JOKE way too seriously? You don’t think it’s funny? Ok, how about relaxing for a bit and keeping in mind that it is a JOKE! Maybe I didn’t burst laughing at it, but I did find it amusing and funny. No, I’m not some douchebag (or maybe I am?) but I do have the satirical sense of humor that makes me laugh at most Cracked articles,; that’s the reason I come back everyday looking for new material to read.
So please guys, criticize all you want but don’t base it on you oh-so-great sense of self-righteousness, trust me that it’s you coming off as the douchebag.
(this is a response to Dude-WhatsWrongWithYou, Girl, not a virgin and others…)
October 10th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Good Job Cody.
Mildy Humorious and Entertaining,
You’ll get better with time(and a lot of drinking with O’Brian to steal his ideas when he can’t remember giving them)
and soon you’ll see, Your penis will make someone laugh(Because It’s “Huge” I swear)
Seriously, all jokes aside. Nice Article, I do exspect improvement from you, This was abit short….(lol)….but funny.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Oh come on, he’s improving =P
October 10th, 2009 at 6:39 am
This was really really bad
October 10th, 2009 at 6:37 am
The best part about all the hater comments is that on Cody’s site
http://radiopantsdance.tumblr.com/
he mentions all the haters and just doesn’t fucking care! Win.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:25 am
this is the same guy that does all those shitty movies right? the nerdy video game crap that’s all the exact same?
October 10th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Nice rack on that babe, whoever she is.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Also, I love Mr. Edgehead down there
October 10th, 2009 at 6:12 am
Um…. great?
October 10th, 2009 at 6:10 am
to the crazy virgin chick:
i am also a virgin. this article amused me. get over yourself, we don’t care
October 10th, 2009 at 6:09 am
I do believe I like the cut of this mans jib.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:09 am
You’re on your way, Cody, this was a major improvement over most of your other shit.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:08 am
…. I get it that you are trying your hardest to appear in the least bit funny but… (and im telling the truth here)
The whole time im reading this, i keep getting the feeling that this was written by a douchebag (Honest! I swear!) with no respect for love. I love my sex and all, but this was just no in good fun.
This kinda stuff just isn’t the kind that people will find funny, you know? Only similar people would find it funny. You’d do well to eschew any personal stuff like relationships etc. (Besides theres hardly any personal-related stuff around on cracked, so your article really stands out as being different. ) But im not talking about the uniquely nice different. Im talking about different as in “Wow, we haven’t seen such crappy stuff in a long time” different. (again, honest).
See how unfunny my post was? Thats how your post was to me.
(HONEST! FFS)
October 10th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Not funny.
Only thing that almost made me smile was: “It’s not you and it’s not me. It’s my penis.” It was all downhill from there. Not that I have some elitist sense of humor, especially considering I find most articles on Cracked funny, but this was… bad. It could have been approached from so many other angles, more could have been added. The whole thing comes off as rushed and lacks effort.
Know that project that is due tomorrow and you stay up the whole night playing Call of Duty 4 online when you realize you have to wake up to hand it in within 6 hours so you just kind of say “fuck it” and bullshit the essay? Yours was that, except you probably thought this was actually a little funny as opposed to realizing it sucked.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:05 am
lol! Excellent work
October 10th, 2009 at 5:55 am
While I did find this article humorous, I did not outwardly chuckle. However, that’s probably because I’ve never been in a situation like that.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:51 am
THIS GUY IS STAYING ON CRACKED!? DID HE BLACKMAIL YOU PEOPLE SOMEHOW, JESUS CHRIST GO AWAY
October 10th, 2009 at 5:50 am
I think this was pretty good.
Way to go, you’ll be a good addition to the Cracked Team
October 10th, 2009 at 5:39 am
I almost laughed.
Still a ways to go.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:38 am
Someone needs to learn how to read a joke.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Girl, not a virgin (?), if you weren’t a raging sexist bitch you’d have recognized that this isn’t at all bullying a virgin into having sex. In fact, the writer of this letter clearly waited patiently for the desires of both partners to mesh, and is ending the relationship only after becoming convinced that what he wants from it is not going to be satisfied. Your implication that he is morally bound to remain in the relationship despite the arrangement being unfavorable just shows how you regard men; as second class. My only hope is that you are soon forced to relive the pain of your deflowering, and that it persists until the end of your days.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Lame.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Oh and to te girl below my first comment:
Learn that hardly anything here on the site has to be taken for real. Unless the subject is widely known (expect an article from Bucholz on Obama’s Nobel prize for instance) it has probably not happened.
On a related note, I fucked a virgin once. She did bleed a little but she also had an orgasm. Did I do good?!
October 10th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Well, it was much better than that “Dummies Guide to Idiots” shit, i’ll give him that. If Cody keeps improving at this rate, i might actually like his stuff in a month or so…
October 10th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Damn, and I already spent way too much time on cracked during working hours already.
I will look forward to his first official and full column. Most columnists take some getting used to (I didn’t got interested in both Seanbaby and Bucholz untill the Sims and Ken article, respectfully) but well, that just means that most columnists have to find a format or subject that matches the interests of the cracked readership while still being true to their writing style.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:00 am
Here is a helpful tip to guys who try to bully a virgin into sleeping with them: Don’t go on and on about how big your penis is.
One of the fears a virign has, is that it is going to hurt. Vaginas and that whole area is increadlibly sensitive. Guys always talk about how much it hurts to be kicked in the nuts or get a nick on the penis or scrotum, well the same goes for girls. An injury in the nether regions can make you experience white light of PAIN shooting through you, twisting your insides, crushing your skull and make black out and/or puke. You feel like you’re dying. So, a virgin reading a letter like that, will only read “I want to inflict pain in your most private areas”.
So in a way, it is a great break up letter, because it will prove to the girl that she did the right thing when she didn’t sleep with the guy.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:50 am
Some of us are very happy to see Cracked take a chance on diversifying the talent, and I count myself among those who say that it has fully paid off with Cody. His videos are funny, his articles are funny, his blog-type stuff is funny, and here he has proved he can rock the penis jokes with the best of the Cracked crew.
In any poetic sense, the only way I was able to describe his stories is this:
“Reading these stories is like trying to catch a mouse that’s in your sock drawer (Assuming don’t want to smoosh the mouse. Also assuming that you like mice, and you are entertained by seeing them run around in a drawer being cute). Then you finish reading, and it’s like you scooped up the mouse and petted it, then it made a tiny poop in your hand and ran away again.
It is EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
It’s also a little bit like when your friends make you have some soup at the chinese restaurant, and they don’t tell you that it’s spicy. Then you have to drink a bunch of water.”
I refuse to concede that anything by him so far is “poorly written” (a comment someone left on one of his stories). Some people won’t get it, and the humor may not appeal to everyone, but the craft of the writing and humor is well executed in every sense.
PS; to those who have been posting shitty comments (ie, non-constructive hatemail) to Cody for the last 3 days: Please find a diseased, dead, decomposing donkey corpse somewhere to fuck in your spare time, rather than talking shit online about people who have more skill and guts than you. Better yet, apply for a job running Cracked, since you are clearly a pile of rocket scientists, and your many years of editorial experience will enable you to sift through five hundred pitches per month, finding only those that will please every single reader. Or maybe just go fuck yourself until your parents come home and catch you again. Do you even write anything besides obnoxious internet comments? Why aren’t you at least better at them?
October 10th, 2009 at 4:44 am
“Gimble”-No-one likes you.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Meh. We’ll see.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:40 am
“Katsuma”- No-one likes a sockpuppet.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:37 am
At least he’s not Fatawesome. I’m willing to put up with this, but fuck Fatawsome to death.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:35 am
For all of you who want to b*tch and moan about how this guy ’sucks’,let’s put it this way:I don’t see your asses getting hired by Cracked.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:31 am
LOL at the flaming, gl at cracked cody :3
October 10th, 2009 at 4:31 am
fail, well this guy wont last long, he isnt funny, some parts were but it just failed and failed
October 10th, 2009 at 4:28 am
I seen that Viral video article when it came out and thought “Who is this guy? He needs his own column!” then I seen the Game Helpin’ Squad videos and they were the greatest things ever. You’re now the second funniest guy on here (after Seanbaby).
October 10th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Greetings Cody, funny article, how very true
October 10th, 2009 at 4:16 am
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
These are a lot funnier in the context they are originally from. Good work.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:46 am
I have to admit, at first I did not quite get some of Cody’s stuff here and didn’t find it particularly funny. The problem, however, isn’t really Cody… it is the fact that these articles are all taken from his blog and they are actually a hell of a lot funnier in the hit-and-run context found there than they are when forced into Cracked format.
Cody, I’ve got a feeling you’ll do just fine. Don’t let the shitheads around here get you down.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:04 am
your world is stupid, asshole, stop it!
now!!
October 7th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
uhhh…have you guys seen the first articles by DOB and SWAIM? Relax. Inhale. Exhale. Yes, these are all patently mediocre articles. But give the man some time. Then tell him he sucks.
October 7th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
fuck you cody you suck decrepit homeless midget ass hole! get the fuck off cracked and go kill yourself fucking fag!
October 6th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
not here either.. hmm… it has to be somewhere
October 6th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
This is not a comment
October 6th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
These are terrible.
October 6th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Really?
This is the newest columnist?
Way short, and really crappy.