So last week I was sitting in my office, trying desperately to come up with a column topic that wouldn’t result in people discussing health care entirely in capital letters in the comments section, when my brainstorming was interrupted by Cracked columnist and walking comedic framing device Dan O’Brien, who dashed into my office clutching a cardboard box. He slammed the door behind him and leaned against it heavily. “Bucholz,” he panted, gasping for air, “I need you to hold something for me.”
“Oh holy ass, no,” I replied swiftly. As a general rule, I try not to do any favors, or talk, to any of my coworkers at Cracked. This policy, although alienating me from my coworkers somewhat and making me the office “stuck up asshole,” has also steered me clear of the trouble and jail time that would go along with such fraternization. I should also point out that this rule is twice as important when dealing with DOB, who is a deviant fucker.
“DOB,” I said, “you deviant fucker.” I sat up straight in my chair before continuing. “I want no part of whatever it is you’ve gotten yourself into, or even to soil my brain by hearing anything about it.”
“I’ve stolen this box,” he said crossing the room in two steps. Before I could stop him, he had dropped it on my desk.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Yes. Thanks Dan, that was pretty obvious. But now I ‘know’ you stole that box, you idiot. Which means legally speaking, I will have to turn you in, or blackmail you or something. It’s probably one of the two. I’ll have to ask a lawyer.” I slumped back in my chair, resigned to my fate. “May I - though I know I’ll regret it - ask what is inside the box?”
He blurted his response, “I don’t know! I don’t even care! Isn’t that sick?” Before I could reply, the sound of police sirens in the streets below echoed into the office. Dan sprinted from the room, leaving my planned response (”Yes, very.”) unsaid. I stood up and examined the box without touching it. Plain brown, sealed with packing tape, with a single sticker reading “Neuticles.” Below that, a stamp reading “NN-Medium x1000.”
I sat there for a few minutes considering my options. Although my mother didn’t raise a narc, she also didn’t raise a complete idiot. Working within those constraints, my choice was obvious. I got up, box in hand, and walked to the door, intent on stashing the box in Swaim’s office. As I reached the hall though, the fire alarm went off, no doubt part of Dan’s multilayered escape scheme. People began rushing out of their offices, pushing for the stairwell. (Cracked staffers are very fire conscious, due to the unusually high number of uncontrolled fires which seem to be a part of the comedic process.) Caught up in the tide of human bodies I was swept through the office, down the stairwell and out the building.
The crowd thinned out a bit as it spread into the plaza at the base of our building. Crowds formed on the large staircase that leads down to a fountain and the street beyond. At this point, the sensible thing to do would be to set the box down on the ground and walk away. But as I was looking around for a quiet place to stash it, I heard someone calling my name. “Chris? Chris! It is you!”
I turned around to spot Anne, an ex-girlfriend of mine. We had broken up mutually a few years previous, following a disagreement about how many dick jokes a successful career should involve.
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Aaaaaaaaaaanne,” I said, stretching out the words to buy some time for my brain, which had mysteriously just shut down all its conversational functions. Anne and I proceeded to make small talk for a bit, me through clenched teeth, dragging out each word as I waited for my brain to reboot. If such things were ranked, it would rate very high on a list of the worst conversations ever.
“Do you work for a vet?” she asked unexpectedly, cutting through the conversational fog.
My face twitched, confused at this unexpected turn. “No, why?”
“Because you’re holding a case of fake dog testicles.”
I looked at the sticker on the box I was holding. Neuticles. Holy Salty Moses.
“Oh these?” I said, searching for something to latch on to. “These are part of…” I began, smartly. “A…” I continued, after a long time had passed since I had said ‘part of.’ “Business!” I concluded, exhaling heavily. “A business of mine! That I own.”
“Oh? What sort of business?” she pressed, like she was Sherlock fucking Holmes all of a sudden.
I nodded earnestly, as if I could answer that question simply and honestly, which I couldn’t. Racking my brain for everything I knew about businesses, I finally blurted out “You know that show Flip that House? It’s like that.”
Her face tensed. “You flip fake dog nuts?” she said, paraphrasing the occupation I had just claimed for myself.
“Yesssssssssssssssss,” I said, falling back on my word-stretching trick. I gulped. “Yeah, you know. The margins on balls? They’re uh, just amazing.” I waved my free hand around trying to come up with a gesture to indicate how amazing the margins on fake dog nuts were. After a few seconds I eventually settled on a vague cupping gesture.
Amazingly, she nodded. “I’ll bet. My boyfriend got them for his dog. That’s how I recognized the brand name. Anyways, those things are like $150 each.”
Anne carried the conversation on her own for a little while, but I had no idea what she was saying. Clutching the box of balls slightly tighter to my chest, I ran some quick calculations. I had $150,000 worth of fake dog testicles in my hands. My mind reeled as I stood there in a daze.
Eventually Anne walked away, perhaps annoyed that I hadn’t said anything in several minutes. After a few seconds my mind caught traction, and I began to consider my predicament. It was a bit of a dilemma. The recession had hit ad revenue for all web-based business pretty hard, and thanks to that and an extremely liberal interpretation of certain contracts, Cracked had lately been paying all its writers in Fijian dollars. This had understandably impacted my pocketbook significantly, and suddenly the prospect of being a sham dog ball middleman sounded a lot more tempting. Curious, I broke the seal on the box and pried it open.
One-thousand little rubbery blobs, the same shape as a kidney shaped bean. All sloshing around in the box. I picked one up and squeezed it. Squishy.
But how to sell them? My first thoughts went to eBay or craigslist. Definitely the easiest, but Internet sales were at least somewhat traceable by authorities. Surely someone would notice that $150,000 worth of balls was missing, and would check the Internet to see of anyone was trying to move the merchandise there. I’d be setting a trap for myself if I went that route. Going to jail for selling hot nuts wasn’t a future I relished. What do cons do to guys who get caught selling fake dog balls? I missed that episode of Oz. Rape I guess - that seems to be how they handle most things.
Hawking them in person could be safer, but who would buy fake dog testicles? Fetishists obviously, but did I want to meet these people? Or handle cash that they had handled? The only other option I could think of were crooked veterinarians, but where to find those?
As I was standing there, mulling my options, I spotted fellow columnist Robert Brockway. I approached him, and asked, “Hey Brockway, you know any shady veterinarians?”
“Yes, three.” He flicked his eyes down at the box I was holding. “You trying to sell those Neuticles?”
I tilted my head slightly in a non-committal gesture. “Maybe.”
He leaned in and peered at my dog ball collection. Reaching in he plucked one out of the box and examined it closely. Suddenly, he popped it in his mouth and began working it around with his jaw, while I stood, gaping. Chewing on it with a thoughtful look in his eye, he finally said “These are good.” He looked me in the eye. “Real good.” He swallowed. “Yeah, I’ll make some calls. You sit tight.” He turned around and wandered off.
I stood there, frozen in place. Something about the way Brockway ate that dog testicle made me realize I was about to walk down a path from which I could not return. There was no way I could do this: I had to dump my ball-load and get out of here.
I definitely couldn’t just drop it anywhere now. Nightmarish visions danced through my head of people reporting it as a suspicious package. Firemen showing up and roping off the area. The bomb squad detonating it. Testicles raining down on the city streets below. Old ladies fainting. Someone would mention that they saw me holding the package. SWAT teams kicking in my door, finding me rocking back and forth in the bathtub, yelling at my genitals.
My whole body shuddered as I tried to shake away these visions. Somehow the box slipped a bit in my hands. I reached for it, fumbling at it. I grasped it, but the lid popped open. “Oh balls,” I shrieked clutching at the lid. The whole box flew out of my hands, spilling its contents out, bouncing down the stairs in front of me.
A thousand fake dog testicles cascading down a public staircase is basically the most noticeable thing ever. Every person within a half mile turned to watch as my balls bounced down, into, over and around the people gathered below. People yelled out in annoyance and pain as the balls struck them. Others stepped on them, sliding around and crashing to the ground violently. At the bottom of the stairs, a group of children on a field trip stood, shrieking at the wave of counterfeit gonads descending upon them. Fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap. I closed my eyes, cringing.
An eerie silence descended over the scene. I cautiously opened my eyes. Miraculously, no one appeared to be hurt. As the nuts came to rest, scattered everywhere the eye could see, cries of recognition rose up from the victims of my onslaught, as they realized what had struck them. I’d never seen “balls” on so many people’s lips. The word I mean.
Someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around to see a police officer, looking at me sternly. “That was an accident,” I tried to say, although I think all that came out was “hamma mammmma mammmmma.” His gaze narrowed as he cataloged me and my many apparent faults. After a few seconds his face softened fractionally as a decision was made somewhere in his powerful cop brain. “OK,” he began. “Then maybe you should clean those up?”
I nodded meekly and began scooping up mock balls one at a time, frantically moving around on my hands and knees. Unkind words and unhelpful gestures were directed at me by everyone unfortunate enough to be downstream of my onslaught, although one group of German tourists seemed really excited, and tried to take several pictures of me.
Two hours of back breaking work later, I had finally rounded up all the loose nuts. Many were missing, having rolled down storm drains or been scooped up as tasteful souvenirs. The cop had long since wandered off, as had most of the crowd. At the top of the steps I saw Brockway arguing with a guy wearing a leather vest and an eyepatch. The guy with the eyepatch threw up his hands and stormed away. Brockway remained, glaring and shaking his head at me. Eventually he too left.
I was exhausted, yet left with my original problem: what to do with a case of fake dog balls? Suddenly an enormous shadow reared up from behind me. I turned and looked just in time to duck, as a hot air balloon came crashing to the ground, the basket tumbling over, spilling its contents to the ground. A dazed Dan O’Brien stood up and looked around. Spotting me, he jogged over.
“Bucholz! Awesome! Thanks so much for holding these for me dude.” He grabbed the box from my hands.
“Uh, no problem,” I said, relinquishing my balls. “Looks like you stole a hot air balloon there, hey?”
DOB turned around to look at the balloon, now tangled in a telephone pole. He turned back. “I guess,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “Crazy Mondays, right?”
“It’s Thursday.”
“That’s the craziest type of all,” he said, squinting. He looked at the now-tattered box, and peeled open the lid, examining its contents. “Fake dog balls! Awesome! These all still here?”
I looked around, an exasperated look on my face. “Uhm, no. Brockway ate one,” I offered.
“Awesome!” he said, genuinely happy. “Good work, Bucholz! Next payday, don’t be surprised if you see a little something extra in your pay.”
I understood immediately that this meant he was going to put fake dog balls in an envelope and jam it under my door, but didn’t say anything, lest I give the impression I wanted to continue having a conversation with him. We stared at each other for eight seconds.
“I’m going to put fake dog balls in an envelope and stuff it under your door,” he said finally, smiling expectantly.
I nodded my head wearily. “I look forward to it.”
_______
This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 18th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Balls. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 9th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
A novel? I’m not sure if you should write a novel… But I know you should write more of this shit, but just really really long. Like a book or a novel…
October 8th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Hahaha please write a book.
Actually, the hot air balloon reminds me of last week. One crashed at my school. It was kind of weird.. Interesting to look out the window and see a hot air balloon falling out of the sky into the field next to you..
October 7th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Sign: gfndc Hello!!! edngr and 5884mqccxugccn and 3560 : I love your site.
Love design!!! I just came across your blog and wanted to say that Ive really enjoyed browsing your blog posts.
September 27th, 2009 at 12:06 am
… Why have you not written a novel?
September 24th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
He’s right. Those Neuticles are mighty tasty.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Very, very funny. Bravo!
September 19th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Sign: uwfgv Hello!!! khctf and 1569xhbyfwwuus and 3492 My Comments: Great Blog!
September 14th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
This was great.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Brilliant. I challenge you to a story-telling competition, but I get to drop acid first.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I love your site.
Love design!!! I just came across your blog and wanted to say that I
September 9th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
September 7th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
is it real XD
September 6th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
God, I was cracking up the whole time I read this. I wish I knew how you come up with this shit.
September 5th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
i laughed so much i almost pissed myself
September 4th, 2009 at 10:33 am
“I’m going to put fake dog balls in an envelope and stuff it under your door.” Fucking hilarious, as always. Keep it up.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:44 pm
I had that happen to me. Once… It was a Thursady.
August 29th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Did you know some medicines are made of dog junk? so you could sell those as placebos!
August 26th, 2009 at 12:50 am
In some other dimension, I know Hunter S. Thomas is smiling proudly. Keep it up bro, I look forward to reading more. I never knew dog balls could be so riveting.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Well Chris, nice story and I guess I only have but one thing to say…
What The Fuck. That is all.
August 25th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Those can be used also as human fake balls, right?
August 25th, 2009 at 10:01 am
I think this is the first time I’ve read “I’m going to put fake dog balls in an envelope and stuff it under your door,” ever… In my whole life.
I’m A billion and three years old.
August 25th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Still trying to get over the fact that fake dog balls still exist…
August 24th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
lmao that is great.
Everyone knows that a large amount of fake dog testicles rolling down a staircase excite germans. It is natural for them to partake in dancing and/or singing as well.
The guy who wrote this sure does have alot of balls
August 24th, 2009 at 12:29 am
This was the funniest shit ive ever heard
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
So many dick jokes, so little time.
August 23rd, 2009 at 9:09 am
I wish i worked there lol
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:54 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g23GiivXC78&feature=related
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:03 am
I laughed until I was light-headed and dizzy! I had a coughing fit from laughing so hard! Best story ever!
August 22nd, 2009 at 3:09 pm
[...] stiess auf diesen Text hier bei Cracked.com. Und… es gibt sie wirklich! Neuticles! xD In allen möglichen Ausführungen [...]
August 21st, 2009 at 9:34 pm
wow you are soooooooooo creative! You should be a writer
August 21st, 2009 at 12:49 pm
… shall we?! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ WOW! Slam… BAM! No… thank YOU Man!
August 21st, 2009 at 6:51 am
Great…
Made a dull Friday a lot better (Or is it Monday..?)…
August 21st, 2009 at 12:44 am
SO I HERD U LIEKZ HELTHCURRS1?/
August 20th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I tried to imagine what it would be like to eat a fake dog testicle. I regret this decision.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
DOB is a “fucking deviant.” lol.
August 19th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Bucholz, you comedic dog. Or genius. With balls. Balls for dogs. Fuck it- either way, you’re awesome. You and the rest of cracked provide me with minutes (MINUTES!) of entertainment every day.
Love it.
August 19th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Welcome to join the Millionaire Friends circle: ****MillionaireCupid.org*** where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective!
August 19th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
“Oh holy ass, no,” made me laugh so hard,but I am also high on them der goofballs, good shit!
August 19th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
LOVED!!!!! Best thing I’ve read all week!
August 19th, 2009 at 11:17 am
More! More! More! stories like this. It’s the only reason I havn’t moved on from this boring office job.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@ Kurapica - I would’ve said ‘testacular’ personally.
Good article btw. I love balls.
August 19th, 2009 at 8:52 am
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha that was like the best thing ive ever seen here
August 19th, 2009 at 8:01 am
I know the feeling, it happened to me once.
August 19th, 2009 at 7:40 am
SO HOW BOUT THAT HEALTH CARE
August 19th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Where can I apply for a job at cracked?
It seems like an awsome place to work.
Like Disney-Land but with a lot more fake dog testicles. Like 10 more then usual..
August 19th, 2009 at 4:03 am
TL:DNR
August 19th, 2009 at 1:35 am
I know it’s true because Bucholz never lies.
August 19th, 2009 at 1:34 am
what the hell man! can i have my testicles back please??
August 19th, 2009 at 12:29 am
“A thousand fake dog testicles cascading down a public staircase is basically the most noticeable thing ever.”
Best thing I’ve heard all week.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
That was brilliant! I absolutly love your stories. Cracked Columnists always have the best adventures.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Pics or it didn’t happen!
August 18th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Anyone else seen the episode of Penn & Teller’s Bullshit! where they talk to the guy who invented those things? I was awesome. You can stream it on Netflix, if you’re so inclined. Go on, you get to see the dude handle his own dog’s sack o’ fake nuts! If I have to live with that image alone, I may kill myself….
August 18th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
That was pretty damn dongtacular, I have to say.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Bucholz, you hilarious bastard - comedy gold!
August 18th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
flawless.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Dear god man, there were so many hilarious images conjured by this story. I laughed until I cried. Some time earlier I read a comic suggesting that Cracked write a sitcom about the staff of Cracked, and I’m beginning to think that would be the best show ever.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
this was the best, dude.
Like, by far the best story I’ve ever read on the internet.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
yesterday was my birthday, and this is the best present i got out of everything. bulcholz, you are a god. although it might have something to do with the fact that u threw in my imaginary lover, DOB(:
August 18th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
bucholz no! After a string of successful, hilarious articles, you have fallen into the same pattern that DOB and Brockway have unfortunately found themselves in, in which you spaz out and ramble incoherently for 20 pages. Now the only funny one left is Swaim D:
August 18th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
OMG. I’m a dog fanatic. But.
Neuticles?
You know I had to click on that link.
It’s not a sad, sick joke. Neuticles UltraPlus, … with EPIDIDYMIS ???
Now our poor pups (and kittehs too I see) have to bear the indignity of fake-boobs hanging from their asses after they’ve had their nads removed.
There will be retribution, people. Rivers of blood and fur, I guarantee you …
p.s. very funny article. flipping fake dog nuts, that has got to be a first.
August 18th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
one of the best articles i’ve read. just brilliant. should be more like it
August 18th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Haven’t laughed so much from an article in a long time. Great work.
August 18th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
TOO LONG
August 18th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Clearly amazing
August 18th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I like the idea of a Neuticle avalanche.
Remember kids: popping Neuticles in your mouth is a gateway to sucking on real dog balls. After that, it’s only a short downward spiral before you are slurping on Willem Dafoe.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
The image of 999 (Brockway ate 1!) fake dog balls bouncing down those steps and hitting people and causing them to fall over and other forms comedic slapstick-ery had me in fits of laughter. And even an accompanying sound in ‘fwap’. Brilliant.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
I await the follow-up article where DOB details how he implanted the remaining several hundred nuts into one dog’s bean bag.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Oh man, that was EPIC! The best line of the story?
“You flip fake dog nuts?”
“Yeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss.”
E-P-I-C.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
they look like jellybeans.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Not as funny as I expected, but it was interesting.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
This was the funniest thing ever. Counterfiet gonads. Straight-up surreal.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
hahahahahaha the best is he broke up with is ex because of an argument over how many dick jokes are too much…. and then the whole article was filled with dick jokes
August 18th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap… the mental image had me in stitches… fine work man.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
That was HILARIOUS!
August 18th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
That was great. I keep seeing them bouncing down the stairs.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Wow, we learn something new everyday.
Very entertaining article
August 18th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
good stuff
August 18th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Oh man. I love these types of articles.
So much laughter.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Hilarious, I love the cracked office articles so much.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I agree w FordPrefect, Cracked needs a sitcom asap
August 18th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Wow!!! That’s really funny! I didn’t even know there were such a thing!!!!!
August 18th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Oh geez. Hilarious. I’m a cracked fan, but usually I don’t read the blog/editorials. But being a former vet tech, I couldn’t resist the headline. I have seen these things and yes, you’d be suprised how much they cost and what silly people want them. But… man, never though of them rolling down stairs or being stolen.. hahaha. Good article. I am laughing still.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Great job man! I wish these stories were on here more often — they really tickle my fansy.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Why is it that articles like this one are the best kind, yet they appear so infrequently?
Also, I’m mailing someone fake testicles now.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
DONGTACULAR???? Really guys???
What about “Fagtastic”?
or “AssRippingly Awsome”??
Cocknificint?
Homo-erotically Excellent?
Whenever you people are quick to shout “dongtacular”, I imagine that every time you see something cool, you are suddenly reminded of the most spectacular dong that was in your face recently.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
oh sweet christ, that was beautiful. i haven’t laughed that hard in a while.
“you flip fake dog nuts?”
August 18th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I loved this so, so much. Mr. Bucholz, congratulations
August 18th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Very funny stuff! Brockway and DOB in one article, who could ask for anything more.
August 18th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
DONGTACUALR!!!
August 18th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
the balls rolled down the stairs, striking people in the face. i close my eyes. LOLOLOLROFLMAO
August 18th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
brilliant!!! XD nice way of telling the story!
August 18th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Funniest thing I have read all week! Great writing… I damn near peed…
August 18th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Now I really wanna meet you guys.
Not in a crazy “I’m gonna wait outside your building” way, but I hope that one day, I’ll be in a bar and then so will you and DOB so hilarity can ensue before my very eyes.
August 18th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
You want to get rid of hundreds of rubber dog testicles, I got just the thing.
Go to the Hot Topic and sell them to any helmet-headed emo kids with the tight-ass pants,
You can market them as replacement balls for the ones that got crushed while getting dressed that morning.
August 18th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
It was funny. Not as funny as usual but I definitely cracked a good smile.
August 18th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Rivaling Seanbaby!
August 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am
That was brilliant
August 18th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I have to say that article had me crying with laughter. Seriously, just…what?
August 18th, 2009 at 11:48 am
IN SOCIALIST CANADA, THE GOVERNMENT GIVES OUT FREE FAKE DOG BALLS WITH EVERY RHINOPLASTY.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:27 am
“Counterfeit gonads”
August 18th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Dongtacular? Yes. Yes it is.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:07 am
As a lawyer, I cannot professionally recommend the blackmail option . . . but I can say, as a Cracked fan, that it would be awesome.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:07 am
It wasn’t THAT good. I certainly didn’t laugh out loud or anything.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Just like: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
August 18th, 2009 at 10:53 am
So many great lines. I loved all of it. You make the best straight man ever!
August 18th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Well done.
August 18th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I loved that article, thanks for cheering me up!
August 18th, 2009 at 10:19 am
OMG…i just nearly choked on a bagel..pure comedy mate
August 18th, 2009 at 10:19 am
This is without a doubt the best thing I have ever read on this site. If I could be bothered I would mail you a gold star.
August 18th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I’m gonna get a pair of great dane balls for my girlfriends chihuahua! Awesome column!
August 18th, 2009 at 10:15 am
THIS GUY HAS TALENT! .. yeah THIS GUY HAS FUNNY! yeah.
THIS GUY HAS IT (want a ballon?) i mean he understands the HUMOR that makes me tickle! i TRULEY RESPECT YOU GUY! and AS YOU CAN SEE i honstley and TRULEY MEAN IT
http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-dispose-of-1000-fake-dog-testicles/
August 18th, 2009 at 10:11 am
what, no jokes about DOB’s fat irish fingers this time? lol
August 18th, 2009 at 10:09 am
they look like jelly beens……. yum
August 18th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Bucholz, I think you’re quickly becoming one of my favorite writers at Cracked…You have the best adventures evar
August 18th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Pure Genius!!! I love this
August 18th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Absolutely outstanding. While I do love his articles, DOB as others describe him has to be some of the funniest shit I’ve read
August 18th, 2009 at 9:34 am
*Beeblebrox =______=;
Bawlz!!
August 18th, 2009 at 9:33 am
*Your =_=;
August 18th, 2009 at 9:32 am
This was amazing…
August 18th, 2009 at 9:32 am
You’re characters kept reminding me of Arthur Dent and Zaphod Bebblebrox
August 18th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Brilliance. Perhaps next week you could try returning a used one…?
August 18th, 2009 at 9:26 am
hahaha awesome story. gj.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Probably one of the funniest things I’ve ever read on Cracked. Ballin’, man, totally ballin’.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Dude, do you know how hard it is to look like you’re busy and not laugh hysterically at the same time?
I’m used to Cracked being mildly funny, maybe amusing, not hilarious.
How dare you raise your standards.
Sincerely,
A Disgruntled Slacker
August 18th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Bucholz is god
August 18th, 2009 at 8:50 am
The best fucking short story I’ve read in a while, one of the best things eve ron Cracked. I literally laughed through the whole thing. This needs to be a short film!
August 18th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Truly subtle. I love it. Also, DOB should be a mandatory addition to any Cracked article.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:45 am
“I understood immediately that this meant he was going to put fake dog balls in an envelope and jam it under my door, but didn’t say anything, lest I give the impression I wanted to continue having a conversation with him.”
Very nice.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:35 am
OMFG, hahahaha! I’m absolutely crying right now. Thanks for this. I needed a good laugh!
August 18th, 2009 at 8:26 am
This was random and funny as hell. I loved it.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:24 am
You managed to make me laugh out loud this early in the morning. Holy crap.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Great. Props for the non-fiction. Very Funny.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:11 am
“… walking comedic framing device Dan O’Brien…” He is exactly that, isn’t he?
August 18th, 2009 at 8:04 am
This was hilarious. You’re funny, yet informative about health care, the recession, your antipathy towards the human race and Canada.
You have many talents.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:03 am
hmm…
August 18th, 2009 at 8:00 am
TL’DR
August 18th, 2009 at 7:58 am
This would make an awesome short film!
August 18th, 2009 at 7:49 am
HEALTH CARE!!!!!
August 18th, 2009 at 7:38 am
fake dog balls were feauterd on Penn & Teller too. Glado to see the things are still retarded
August 18th, 2009 at 7:36 am
utterily ifianitisiticiiiii. as you can see myiiiiii eiieye button is broken, a bit. doiesint distract from the aweisomie article tho, good work
August 18th, 2009 at 7:27 am
I thought the best part of getting a dog neutered would be not having to see their balls all the time. WHO WOULD RUIN SUCH A GREAT THING! In a world with neuticals nobody wins.
August 18th, 2009 at 7:21 am
damn it. now i have to stealfake testicles and drop them from a stolen hot air balloon. i might throw in a few giant rubber dongs but hey thats not my decision
August 18th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Priceless.
August 18th, 2009 at 7:15 am
“I’m going to put fake dog balls in an envelope and stuff it under your door,” he said finally, smiling expectantly.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Bwahahahaha!
August 18th, 2009 at 6:57 am
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WITH FASCIST MUSLIM ANTICHRIST OBAMA HEALTHCARE PLAN ALL OF OUR GRANDPARENTS WILL BE GROUND UP INTO A FINE PASTE AND FED TO US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 18th, 2009 at 6:51 am
This was definitely a great article. Easily one of your best. Good jorb.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:48 am
I was kind of expecting one of your guides, like the one about punching Oasis in the face. But this seriously was one of the most amazing titles ever.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:36 am
not your best but still better than most of cracked
unfortunately articles like these also increase my enthusiasm for DOB and brockway, so you should know that youre giving these guys a leg up
August 18th, 2009 at 6:31 am
Before reading this article, just scroll down and look at the pictures. You WILL be confused.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:20 am
CB is edging out of the pack as the best columnist on Cracked. This was a helluva lot of fun!
August 18th, 2009 at 6:12 am
I can’t tell you how glad and relieved I am that I’m not the only one that’s happened to
August 18th, 2009 at 6:12 am
priceless
August 18th, 2009 at 6:11 am
the best part was visualizing the public detonation of a box of dog testicles, good article
August 18th, 2009 at 6:10 am
“hamma mammmma mammmmma.” I laughed so hard my boss heard me lol… I had to tell him I was laughing at the puny excuse of a coworker at mine, for screwing up on an order.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:01 am
i lol’d
August 18th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Great article. So creative and funny. You rock .
August 18th, 2009 at 5:47 am
Balls…
August 18th, 2009 at 5:44 am
Was this just a round a bout way of informing us that people actually purchase fake testicles for their dogs?
Well, it was a damn amusing one!
August 18th, 2009 at 5:31 am
“Crazy Mondays, right?”
“It’s Thursday.”
“That’s the craziest type of all,” he said, squinting.
—
Funniest thing I’ve been made aware of in a WEEK.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:25 am
It took alot of balls to share that embarassing story with us. Like, 1,000.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:23 am
First heard of those on Penn and Teller, it was hilarious.
Great article.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Good stuff, Bucholz. And Brockway is even funny as a cameo!
August 18th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Harr.
I giggled, in a “fake-dog-testicles” way.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:11 am
I love the articles with other columnists in them. There really needs to be a Cracked sitcom.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:09 am
@Leperkhan: I was about to express my horror at the idea of infant boob implants, but then I remembered the little kid thongs. That’s likely a very marketable idea.
And now I really need to go take a shower.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:57 am
a ballslapping 7 / 10
August 18th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Fwap fwap fwap!
I haven’t lolled so hard in quite some time. Great job
August 18th, 2009 at 4:31 am
funny stuff.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Many celebrities posted their profiles on a celeb dating site
_______Meet Wealthy com______ _____ . Many persons want to date with those celebrities.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:24 am
I can look at Goatse and not even flinch. I can watch 2girls1cup while eating chocolate ice cream, but goddamn, the thought of EATING NEUTICLES grosses me the fuck out.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Hahah loved it!
I especially love the ones with Dan O’Brien in them. He makes thing strangely hilarious.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:17 am
awesome
August 18th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Sell them as boob implants for toddlers.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:16 am
Man that DOB guy is nuts!
August 18th, 2009 at 4:13 am
awesome, though wheres the picture of you picking them up?
August 18th, 2009 at 4:10 am
lol that was pretty good.
$150 for fake dog balls though? Fuck me