A Journey to Hell: My 'Earth Hour' Without Electricity
Woo! T-minus a couple minutes till Earth Hour starts, and weve got enough candles to choke a whore (like if you didnt want to pay her or something). I swear, I better not smell like sandalwood after this is over.
Anyway, the idea is to get as many people on the planet as possible to turn off all lights and electric devices for an hour to help raise awareness of the Earth or how Edison sucked or something. Lara invited some peeps over to play board games, and Im going to keep writing in this journal and see how that goes. Should be fun! Its just like being Amish, except without Harrison Ford hassling you all the time.
8:34, March 28, 2009
Wow, look at me, writing by candlelight. I'm all Thomas Jefferson and shit. I feel like I should be wearing a powdered wig. Maybe Ill run down and get it out of storage. Earth Hour is going swimmingly; Lara, Adam and Tori are playing a game of Risk and Im watching and sipping on a nice, brassy little glass of pinot. They asked me to play, but I always get too competitive. Don't want to start any fights.
Ive got to say, shutting down my computer was a little tougher for me than I thought it would be. I dont think Ive turned it off since we moved in. I find myself occasionally glancing longingly towards the blank screen, wondering if theres been any important Facebook redesigns Im not getting to complain about. Hmm maybe this will be a longer hour than anticipated.
8:41, March 28, 2009
The weirdest thing just happened! On my way down to the wig cellar (I needed something to calm my nerves), I passed by my computer, and instinctively sat down to check my email. Apparently the blank screen stunned me, because I dont really remember anything until Lara found me there and asked what the problem was. And the weird thing is, all I could think to do was whirl on her and start hissing and hissing.
Maybe Id better watch some Conan on the TiVo and call it a night. Oh, wait. Dammit.
9:02, March 28, 2009
Kamchatka. Irkutsk. Its all bullshit. I told them I didnt want to play. Whats the point? All these asshole countries living in darkness, without electricity, without radio, without Internet. Oh God, the Internet. If I had the Internet right now, Id be surfing it so hard Google would be like whoa, what? Slow down there, partner.
At least I won. Adam says it wasnt valid, but Im pretty sure kicking your opponent in the stomach is allowed. I mean, you are taking over the world, not baking a cake. Which we CANT EVEN DO BECAUSE OF THIS NIGHTMARE CALLED EARTH HOUR.
18 Minutes of Hell Remaining, March 28, 2009
Tried to restore power to the main breaker, but the unbelievers stopped me. Smashed one over the head with a nice, brassy little bottle of pinot. Not sure which. All look the same now. Sounded like Lara. Said Jesus, Michael, why did you do that?! Oh my God, whatsam I bleeding? Oh, my God, WHY?! Sounds like something she would say.
Shakes have started again, and the visions. Swirling, roiling beings of pure energy, dancing and writhing in ecstasy as if to taunt me. Also a dinosaur sometimes. Not sure what thats about.
Time When Moon Appears on Horizon, Planting Month, Year of the Falcon
I no longer need the lightning that makes the spirit boxes speak. I have evolved beyond it, found my own source of power, an inner strength. The strength to cling to the ceiling fan and kick wildly at the others. As I rotate past a mirror, I note that I have also apparently evolved beyond pants. Theres a quiet dignity in that, I think.
Or at least, thats what I screech at Tori as she tries to wrap my lower half in a blanket. A little bowel evacuation got rid of her though. Now whos making a scene!?
No Time, No Place, Only Blood
Big Spirit fill me; I run with wolf. One I call assface dead by my hand. I will sleep inside him tonight to gain his strength. Carving would be easier with electric knife, but you know.
9:31
Great light come! Blind us! We retreat to abandoned wig cellar. Much noise above. Much that seems so familiar, but distant, like voice of ancestor echoing down long corridor. The Time of Awakening has come again. The great Metal Gods stir. Me look excellent in powdered wig.
9:35, March 28, 2009
Oh oh God. What have I done? Ive got to call the police and turn myself in, beg for mercy. Its my only chance. Jesus, Adam. He looks like a damned Tauntaun. And Im pretty sure that rugs never going to be clean again too.
Oh shit, I just remembered, I still need to write my post for Saturday. Should I do that before I call? Yeah, great, Ill tell the police that in my murderous frenzy I paused to write an article about Coldplay. Was that before or after you clubbed your fianc with a wine bottle?
Shit, Michael. Shit shit shit.
Maybe Ill just type this up, slap some random graphics on, and post it. Im sure the readers would think its a joke. Theyre so stupid. God, I hate them all so much, and their stupid, whiny, retard faces.
OK yeah, Ill do that.
Note to self: Edit last part before posting.
When not sharing a quiet evening with friends, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
Swaim you f**king rock.
Reply"Time When Moon Appears on Horizon, Planting Month, Year of the Falcon"
Replys**t,its already that time?s**t!I forgot to set up the bonfire to burn the Pine Needles of Despair in appeasement to the Lightning God for him to have mercy and give me back my internet!...
Whao,what did I just...say...?
Wait, it's the Year of the Falcon? Since when? Last I checked it was the Year of the Mudkips. Wait, how does the 4Chan calender sync to the Insanity calender again? s**t, did I miss my friend's birthday again? Damnit.
ReplyDamn man, tough break. Better luck next year.
Ahhhh, Earth hour, another stupid cause. Surely the IDEA of Earth hour raises the awareness, actually turning everything off, well, what's one hour of one day of one year going to achieve in the scheme of things?
ReplySuperbly written, and probably one of your best arti-FIRST!!!1!
ReplyBULLs**t! How could you have written this without a computer? did you timetravel back to 1492 and get a typewriter? Did carve it into a treetrunk with a knife?
ReplyHe wrote it into a journal, then posted it later.
D...does that giraffe have tits? I mean, I see tits on pretty much everything, but that looks like it actually has tits.
ReplySuddenly I need to go to Toys R Us.
Yes, and its eroti-HORRIFYING. It's horrifying.
Swaim, you are the best Cracked writer...
ReplyAs I rotate past a mirror, I note that I have also apparently evolved beyond pants
ReplyMade Of Win
had me crying that whole scene i could just picture it hahaahha
Thank god that thing is extinct, I would never be able to sleep again.
Replya similar event happened to me...
ReplyI spent most of the day prior to earth hour turning off dozens of appliances. then, about an hour in, i realized i could just turn off the power.
Replyfeel stupid now.
I love just about everything on Cracked, but you are my favorite Swaim
Reply"There’s a quiet dignity in that, I think.
ReplyOr at least, that’s what I screech at Tori as she tries to wrap my lower half in a blanket. A little bowel evacuation got rid of her though. Now who’s “making a scene”!?"
my God, Swaim. my Gooooood.
lmao
That was g-money, dawg. (Yeah, I just participated in ghetto hour, and I'm not even 1/3 ghetto. Chunk da deuce.)
ReplyI didnt participate in earth hour and im glad.
ReplyThis was hilarious, just as all of your other stuff.
pure exelence thanks for the read swaim
ReplyWe went through a power outage a few years ago in MI., it lasted a a few days. Or a week, i don't know, it all seems a blur. I never fully recovered.
ReplyIt was summer, i rember that because it was hot as ... something thats really hot -not very good with analogies- and I'm used to the cold weather of St. Petersburg, which Michigan sometimes gets colder than. I digress, but my point is that the streets of PoHo were covered with blood, sweet, nutritious blood. After a few hours of living the modest (although queer) life of the Amish, looting and and panic ensued. They were simpler times, and this article reminded me of these times. Times when i was a king, due to my vicious razing and devouring of all those who opposed my power (not in that order). Only if ...
I remember I went through something.Back home.I used to look forward to power outages.That was before the internet took me for its own.
I remember that day all too well.Me and my sister,wreching the last battery out of each others hands to play bad gameboy games with horrible graphics,even by then's standards...I don't remember anything else besides waking up naked outside with a bear..
I spent that hour with my hummer running for no apparent reason
Reply“Was that before or after you clubbed your fiancé with a wine bottle?”
ReplyFiancé? /cry.... and here I was all excited you had evolved beyond wearing pants...