8:28, March 28, 2009
Woo! T-minus a couple minutes till Earth Hour starts, and we’ve got enough candles to choke a whore (like if you didn’t want to pay her or something). I swear, I better not smell like sandalwood after this is over.
Anyway, the idea is to get as many people on the planet as possible to turn off all lights and electric devices for an hour to help raise awareness of the Earth or how Edison sucked or something. Lara invited some peeps over to play board games, and I’m going to keep writing in this journal and see how that goes. Should be fun! It’s just like being Amish, except without Harrison Ford hassling you all the time.
8:34, March 28, 2009
Wow, look at me, writing by candlelight. I’m all Thomas Jefferson and shit. I feel like I should be wearing a powdered wig. Maybe I’ll run down and get it out of storage. Earth Hour is going swimmingly; Lara, Adam and Tori are playing a game of Risk and I’m watching and sipping on a nice, brassy little glass of pinot. They asked me to play, but I always get too competitive. Don’t want to start any fights.
I’ve got to say, shutting down my computer was a little tougher for me than I thought it would be. I don’t think I’ve turned it off since we moved in. I find myself occasionally glancing longingly towards the blank screen, wondering if there’s been any important Facebook redesigns I’m not getting to complain about. Hmm… maybe this will be a longer hour than anticipated.
8:41, March 28, 2009
The weirdest thing just happened! On my way down to the wig cellar (I needed something to calm my nerves), I passed by my computer, and instinctively sat down to check my email. Apparently the blank screen stunned me, because I don’t really remember anything until Lara found me there and asked what the problem was. And the weird thing is, all I could think to do was whirl on her and start hissing and hissing.
Maybe I’d better watch some Conan on the TiVo and call it a night. Oh, wait. Dammit.
9:02, March 28, 2009
Kamchatka. Irkutsk. It’s all bullshit. I told them I didn’t want to play. What’s the point? All these asshole countries living in darkness, without electricity, without radio, without… Internet. Oh God, the Internet. If I had the Internet right now, I’d be surfing it so hard Google would be like “whoa, what? Slow down there, partner.”
At least I won. Adam says it wasn’t valid, but I’m pretty sure kicking your opponent in the stomach is allowed. I mean, you are taking over the world, not baking a cake. Which we CAN’T EVEN DO BECAUSE OF THIS NIGHTMARE CALLED EARTH HOUR.
18 Minutes of Hell Remaining, March 28, 2009
Tried to restore power to the main breaker, but the unbelievers stopped me. Smashed one over the head with a nice, brassy little bottle of pinot. Not sure which. All look the same now. Sounded like Lara. Said “Jesus, Michael, why did you do that?! Oh my God, what’s—am I bleeding? Oh, my God, WHY?!” Sounds like something she would say.
Shakes have started again, and the visions. Swirling, roiling beings of pure energy, dancing and writhing in ecstasy as if to taunt me. Also a dinosaur sometimes. Not sure what that’s about.
Time When Moon Appears on Horizon, Planting Month, Year of the Falcon
I no longer need the lightning that makes the spirit boxes speak. I have evolved beyond it, found my own source of power, an inner strength. The strength to cling to the ceiling fan and kick wildly at the others. As I rotate past a mirror, I note that I have also apparently evolved beyond pants. There’s a quiet dignity in that, I think.
Or at least, that’s what I screech at Tori as she tries to wrap my lower half in a blanket. A little bowel evacuation got rid of her though. Now who’s “making a scene”!?
No Time, No Place, Only Blood
Big Spirit fill me; I run with wolf. One I call “assface” dead by my hand. I will sleep inside him tonight to gain his strength. Carving would be easier with electric knife, but… you know.
9:31
Great light come! Blind us! We retreat to abandoned wig cellar. Much noise above. Much that seems so familiar, but distant, like voice of ancestor echoing down long corridor. The Time of Awakening has come again. The great Metal Gods stir. Me look excellent in powdered wig.
9:35, March 28, 2009
Oh… oh God. What have I done? I’ve got to call the police and turn myself in, beg for mercy. It’s my only chance. Jesus, Adam. He looks like a damned Tauntaun. And I’m pretty sure that rug’s never going to be clean again too.
Oh shit, I just remembered, I still need to write my post for Saturday. Should I do that before I call? Yeah, great, I’ll tell the police that in my murderous frenzy I paused to write an article about Coldplay. “Was that before or after you clubbed your fiancé with a wine bottle?”
Shit, Michael. Shit shit shit.
Maybe I’ll just type this up, slap some random graphics on, and post it. I’m sure the readers would think it’s a joke. They’re so stupid. God, I hate them all so much, and their stupid, whiny, retard faces.
OK yeah, I’ll do that.
Note to self: Edit last part before posting.
This entry was posted on Saturday, April 4th, 2009 at 2:00 am and is filed under Earth, Global Warming, Journal, The Environment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 19th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Thank god that thing is extinct, I would never be able to sleep again.
November 17th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
a similar event happened to me…
August 6th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I spent most of the day prior to earth hour turning off dozens of appliances. then, about an hour in, i realized i could just turn off the power.
feel stupid now.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:12 am
I love just about everything on Cracked, but you are my favorite Swaim
August 5th, 2009 at 6:58 am
“There’s a quiet dignity in that, I think.
Or at least, that’s what I screech at Tori as she tries to wrap my lower half in a blanket. A little bowel evacuation got rid of her though. Now who’s “making a scene”!?”
my God, Swaim. my Gooooood.
lmao
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:43 am
That was g-money, dawg. (Yeah, I just participated in ghetto hour, and I’m not even 1/3 ghetto. Chunk da deuce.)
July 12th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I didnt participate in earth hour and im glad.
This was hilarious, just as all of your other stuff.
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
pure exelence thanks for the read swaim
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
We went through a power outage a few years ago in MI., it lasted a a few days. Or a week, i don’t know, it all seems a blur. I never fully recovered.
It was summer, i rember that because it was hot as … something thats really hot -not very good with analogies- and I’m used to the cold weather of St. Petersburg, which Michigan sometimes gets colder than. I digress, but my point is that the streets of PoHo were covered with blood, sweet, nutritious blood. After a few hours of living the modest (although queer) life of the Amish, looting and and panic ensued. They were simpler times, and this article reminded me of these times. Times when i was a king, due to my vicious razing and devouring of all those who opposed my power (not in that order). Only if …
May 27th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I spent that hour with my hummer running for no apparent reason
May 11th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
“Was that before or after you clubbed your fiancé with a wine bottle?”
Fiancé? /cry…. and here I was all excited you had evolved beyond wearing pants…
April 25th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Got to “Time When Moon Appears on Horizon, Planting Month, Year of the Falcon”, and lost it. Thanks, Swaim, haven’t laughed that hard in a good long while. Also, you won my first comment on Cracked.
April 25th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Clearly, Earth Hour was concocted by the government as an experiment to study how well society responds to living in the Dark Ages again. You know, like when those Chinese/Russian spies sap our sentries and take out our power and water.
April 24th, 2009 at 2:09 am
It’s a CGI sea scorpion from a BBC series. Eek. nightmares…
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
genious!
April 21st, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Hahaha! PURE GENIOUS!!
April 20th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
that last bit about hating the readers… genious. So rude on so many levels and so funny. sweet. bye.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:33 am
I used earth hour to compensate for everyone elses lack of energy use.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I took the hour to run through next year’s coup operation. There were several kinks found, and one not-insubstantial plot-hole. But we’re well on our way to fixing these, so there shouldn’t be any need to delay the operation.
Son of a bitch! I’m positively giddy with anticipation, and there’s still 350 (or so) days to go. I’ll be bouncing off the walls when the day finally arrives.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I was trying to read some of your blogs so I could laught as hard as always so I could get better after the dead of my lil Hamster… but I saw the little mice in the image and no matter how funny you are I’m still sad (;w;)
April 14th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
“Me look excellent in powdered wig.”
God, I got laughter all over the floor
April 12th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Swaim, I know how you feel.
I was at my Grandma’s house during Earth hour with my younger brother and sister…
There was so much blood…
April 10th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
too long did not read
April 10th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I hope that we don’t have earth hour in england, otherwise i’m going to hell
again
April 9th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Swaim. You have outdone yourself with this article. This is what a true masterpiece looks like.
April 7th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Dude, I haven’t laughed that hard in so long. Thanks for the excellent read Swaim!
April 7th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
4 stars and an emmey! this was absoultely what i needed to get me thru the rest of this torute induced vomit fest called work.
I love u. Really…..i love you.
’sniff’
April 7th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Well, I AM posting on a comedy website forum…
April 6th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Jesus, Adam. He looks like a damned Tauntaun. And I’m pretty sure that rug’s never going to be clean again too.
haha.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
In your face Ace of Base!
April 6th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Spizzy your post was funny as hell…
i dont need to guess that happened to you, now, do i?
April 6th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Panzer-Stier Ross, I now have a mental image of a hamster getting hammered on rum and screaming “I MUST HAVE A PROPER SURFACE TO WORK ON!”
I hope you’re proud.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I masturbated to the giraffe chic…..twice.
April 5th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I masturbated to the part about you not wearing pants.
April 5th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
this is excellent!
April 5th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
simply amazing, made me crack up!
April 5th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
@Panzer:
Booooooooooooooooooooooooooo
*inhale* ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
*gasp* ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
April 5th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
[...] Cracked.com articles: a continuing compilation of hilarity Posted on April 5, 2009 by possumrashion http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-i-celebrated-earth-hour-with-murder/ [...]
April 5th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
It might be a ‘dwarf’ hamster but I bet it can’t temper my armor or train me to mine properly.
*sound of crickets*
April 5th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Great article but, that mouse on mouse picture.
That ‘mouse’ on top is actually a hamster.
Specifically it’s a Roborovski dwarf hamster.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Frighteningly, I kind of see what you mean phizzle….
April 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I totally ignored this Earth Hour thing, but then I can’t legally drive so it balances out.
April 5th, 2009 at 8:55 am
@AnderFREAK: I have a shotgun, it’s named “Natural Selection”
April 5th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Fortunately you can skip it next year. You don’t actually save anything when a huge amount of people suddenly stop using electricity thanks to the way power distribution works. The electric company most likely just grounded all of the excess power it was putting out instead of taking the hundreds of thousands of dollars in losses to safely decrease power output.
Hope you had fun doing nothing for the environment? Have fun with your lights on next year.
April 5th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Ha ha. Swaim you are a funny man. Im pretty sure I actually slept through earth hour.
April 5th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Ha ha! What a wonderful insight into your fantastic Earth Hour!
…wait, I was supposed to turn my lights off?
April 5th, 2009 at 1:25 am
Never heard of Tesla anyone?
April 5th, 2009 at 12:59 am
phizzle, that is disgusting.
April 5th, 2009 at 12:47 am
I wonder what it would be like to DDT that Giraffe lady.
April 5th, 2009 at 12:42 am
I like the part about evolving beyond wearing pants.
April 4th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Wait, so going insane makes you think everyone’s a furry? Can you say “shotgun rampage”?
April 4th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Am I the only one that got turned on by the last pic in hte article?
April 4th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Seriously. Hate Edison. Just because he hates Polar Bears, or leopard seals or something, he has to build a machine to melt our poles.
Really, give them a break. First Hitler gave them the business with World War II: The Quickening, now Edison melts them.
April 4th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
I celebrated Earth Day by not using any electricity, except for my massive monolithic neon sign that reads “Happy Earth Day!” It’s gonna be a hell of a power bill, but it’s worth it.
April 4th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
I’d love to be around you and your powdered wig the next earth hour-
April 4th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
i loved earth hour. I put on every single electrical and gas appliance in my house for 2 hours (just for good measure)
April 4th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
“A million tiny nipples splicing together in paradise.” - A byproduct of my earth hour.
April 4th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
I thought I was the only one with a wig cellar.
April 4th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
wow @ doctorchaos.
I’m shocked you didn’t make a total douchbag comment.
and good article.
It had me laughing the whole time. I especially liked the whole bit about evolving and not needing pants.
XD
April 4th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Earth hour?
I was on Omnicron Persiei Eight at the time.
April 4th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
I was working during Earth Hour.
Because Tim Horton’s is all about the planet to look good to customers (meanwhile paying the labourers in other country’s next to nothing! because you only have to LOOK like you care!) we had to turn our lights off.
It made my day every time I saw someone drive up, conclude we were closed and drive away.
April 4th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Insanity has never been this funny~good job as always I laughed.
April 4th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Oh Michael, you make me laff.
April 4th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Great article. The way you wrote the ceiling fan bit had me actually laughing out loud. Like, in real life.
April 4th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
hahaha. me look excellent in powdered wig
April 4th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Great job on this post it was hilarious.
April 4th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Nice. I loved the last part and how you rapidly decended into madness. I think an hour is a new record!
April 4th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
also, and i hate to point this out; but that “mouse” on the computer mouse is actually a winter white hamster.
April 4th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
yeah, earth hour sucked monkey balls.
April 4th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
tincho is probably refering to the crappy buffering system for videos on Cracked. It’s so annoying!
BTW, I love you Swaim! I’ll totally get rid of the evidence for you, unless you try to leave me, then I’ll try to blackmail you and when that inevitably fails… I’ll buy you a taco, then we’ll be cool. (special taco)
April 4th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
swaim is a genius. all the videos are brilliant as well. best article yet… i actulally laughed at the “sounds like something she would say” part. woo!
April 4th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Holy crap, you are the descendent of John Cheese and David Wong. There’s a reason for me to visit Cracked again. Please continue.
April 4th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
@ tincho: what makes you say that? Just curious. We do post most of our videos on youtube.
April 4th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
@kingmonkey
yes, it means you’re a furry.
Wouldn’t you still be able to surf the internet on a laptop as long as it’s not charging?
I remember when this started. I completely forgot about when Earth Hour was supposed to be. And then when it was too late I felt like such a tool.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
You know what? I shall write a story based on this. I’ll even slap “INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY” on the cover, and it shall be the most glorious bestseller EVAR!!!1 Also, I want to build a machine to go to an alternate reality where you’re a girl and marry you. Failing that, I’ll turn gay. Your fiance will probably have a restraining order on you by now, anyways.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Is being attracted to giraffe-girls weird, if you’re a sentient monkey? I, uh, have a friend who wanted to know.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Worked like a damn charm. Trolls are a predictable and cowardly lot.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Some people find “whiny retarded” very sexy thank you very much!
April 4th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I was out of my house while the “Earth Hour”
The city looked pretty peaceful from a high point
but maybe a similar story was going on in a couple of houses
Internet what have you doneeee???
Great one, Swaim
April 4th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Uuuuummmmmmmm.
Yea, Ok I kinda liked this one. Please return pants to upright position for yuor next video though.
April 4th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I turned extra lights on during Earth hour, cancelling out someone else’s hour.
April 4th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I Earth Hour it every night when I go to bed besides I hadn’t heard about this so I don’t feel so bad.
Oh and it takes 10 candles to choke a hooker…I’m just saying…
April 4th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
you think the banks will still cash my checks if i start writing “year of the falcon” on them?
dammit, those are the only things i have to date on a regular basis, and i love that phrase so goddamned much!
April 4th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
stop posting your videos here, post them on youtube
April 4th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Lex would have done it better. AKA, more funnier. Crying now, thank you.
Oh, and may that teach you a lesson. Trying to save the Earth by going insane is the wrong thing to do. Electricity is a good thing. ALL HAIL THE GODS OF INTERNETS!
April 4th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
‘As I rotate past a mirror, I note that I have also apparently evolved beyond pants.’
I think as a species, this is the step we need to take. I’ll go next.
April 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Wow - that got a little Lovecraftian about halfway through
April 4th, 2009 at 11:40 am
If I had the Internet right now, I’d be surfing it so hard Google would be like “whoa, what? Slow down there, partner.”
Gold.
April 4th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Cieling fan can still spin if you push/ride it
April 4th, 2009 at 10:49 am
I don’t get the giraffe picture. It looks fine to me…
April 4th, 2009 at 10:36 am
”HOW WAS THE CEILING FAN ROTATING IF THE ELECTRICITY WAS OFF?!?!?!?!”
Smh Atheist
everything you think HAS to have a point eh.?
just leave the ”Real thinking” to us.. hmmmm?
April 4th, 2009 at 10:34 am
“A little bowel evacuation got rid of her though”
Haha
I love you, Michael Swaim.
April 4th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Pretty funny Swaim, and thanks for pointing out the fact that I’m into furries, a fact which I didn’t know, until I saw that smoking hot giraffe chic.
PS DoctorChaos says your writing sucks and you should stick to making videos, albeit with a more international flair.
April 4th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Sad story: no one in my town/college/state even knew about Earth hour. I guess we make up for it all the times we get power outages and go the night reading textbooks by candlelight.
April 4th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Apparently Cracked’s users have gone furry. Yiff in hell.
April 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
lol board stalker ISNT a dude…?
April 4th, 2009 at 9:32 am
So, uhh, did the fiance survive?
…Because, I mean… if you need a new one, I’m uhh, right here.
(I swear I’m not a dude).
April 4th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Earth Hour?
You mean that bullshit that hot pink-haired cartoon bitch keeps nagging me about at every commercial break?
Fuckin hippies, man.
April 4th, 2009 at 9:19 am
What will you do NOW Mr. Swaim?
April 4th, 2009 at 9:18 am
They say the best comedians make you see the truth, or something like that (no, don’t ask me who “they” are), and Michael Swaim, you have done exactly that.
Earth Hour is a celebration of a return to the dark ages. If we really lost access to electrical power, civilization would collapse. There’s no way we could support the planet’s current population without modern energy production. There would be pandemonium in the streets. And all the greens and environmentalists would look up and shout “save us!” and I’d whisper back “Way to go, hippies.”
April 4th, 2009 at 9:14 am
I forgot Earth Hour too, but I handled that the same way I handle every empty, pointless Green Agenda platitude that I forget about: I just don’t give a tenpenny fuck.
April 4th, 2009 at 9:06 am
too funny, you’ve done it again Swaim
April 4th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Oh, it was that Earth Hour thingy? Whoops.
How many whores have you choked with candles?
April 4th, 2009 at 8:56 am
How much is 9000 internets worth?
April 4th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Absolutely brilliant. I’ve always enjoyed your writings, but this has swung me over into loving them.
April 4th, 2009 at 8:33 am
haha wow, that was an awsome hour (:
April 4th, 2009 at 8:27 am
We hate you too Michael.
April 4th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Oh… oh shit. Was Earth Hour last night?
Dammit. Let me feign like I care real quick.
(Hey, I cut everything off in my house for EIGHT HOURS every single night, don’t give me that look.)
April 4th, 2009 at 8:03 am
I’m going to find more pictures of the giraffe thing and masturbate to them.
April 4th, 2009 at 7:52 am
I’m definitly insane, Giraffegirl is kinda cute. It looks like this ‘earth our’ has effected us all. Oh God….FIRE! FIRE CLENSES THIS HELLISH PLACE!!
April 4th, 2009 at 7:45 am
earth hour??? damn. it’s been earth week for me. Won’t get lights for 4 more days…..
Yay for work!!! p.s. and i am about to kill my fiance. (which is why i’m at work. oO )
First
April 4th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Well Done! Hilarious!
April 4th, 2009 at 7:43 am
HOW WAS THE CEILING FAN ROTATING IF THE ELECTRICITY WAS OFF?!?!?!?!
April 4th, 2009 at 7:35 am
I’m ashamed to say this… but the giraffe girl was kinda cute… sauce plox…
April 4th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Earth Hour eh? I had wondered why the entire campus except my room went dark for an hour, and why I got “Planet Rapist” written on my door.
April 4th, 2009 at 6:55 am
God, my earth hour was boring. It was just me, a darkened street and a flashlight. And Nicolas Cage impersonations.
April 4th, 2009 at 6:44 am
what the hell was that guy holding!!! And where can I get one?
April 4th, 2009 at 6:41 am
Swaim does it again.
April 4th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Oh god I’m so ashamed I forgot earth hour.
April 4th, 2009 at 6:23 am
By the time I heard of Earth Hour, it was already over where I live. Oh well. Freaking hilarious.
April 4th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Now, this is what I expect when I see the word “Swaim.”
Genius!
April 4th, 2009 at 5:35 am
I actually have a dumb, bitchy asshole face, thank you very much.
April 4th, 2009 at 5:34 am
The giraffe girl’s left ear looks like a mouth.
April 4th, 2009 at 5:22 am
haha awesome.
I feel for you XD
April 4th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Technically speaking, will you be able to get out of the execution if you cunningly work to get it scheduled for Earth Hour?
April 4th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Haha Spizzy you should write for cracked
April 4th, 2009 at 4:36 am
i don’t have a stupid, whiny, retard face…
sadface
April 4th, 2009 at 4:23 am
Spizzy, that was beautiful.
Swaim, I’m concerned I never heard of Earth Day. Was it more of a US thing? Ha!
April 4th, 2009 at 3:58 am
You know what my favorite thing in the entire World is? When some loser types “FIRST!” in a comments section of an online article, but they’re not first. It’s best when they’re like, 3rd or 4th, close enough to still really sting, but far away to let them know they’re idiots.
I’d like to think that anyone who goes out of their way to do that can ONLY find happiness when they succeed, and when it doesn’t work out they die a little inside. I really hope that not being first really ruins their week.
Like, their birthday was that day, and they were really excited and anxious for the party. To kill some time, they jump onto Cracked.com and check out the latest article. They see there’s a fresh one up, and they skip past it to the comment section. ‘this is gonna be great!’ they think to themselves, as they jot down their info and type their favorite word in the comment box. “FIRST!” they declare, and hit the ’send’ button.
As the page reloads, they think of how they kicked off a great day by being first to comment on a new article. Then, they see it. There are not one, but TWO posts before theirs. And there is is, their name, followed by the word “FIRST” so brazenly sitting for the world to see their folly. A single tear strolls down the poster’s cheek.
Later that night, as the poster’s friends and family show up to celebrate his birthday, he sits alone in his dark room. They finally drag him out, but the party is ruined. He doesn’t make a scene: Everyone goes about their business, eating cake and talking, but he sits in the corner, alone, thinking about the huge mistake he made.
That night was going to be when he asked Sally out. Now, she’s talking to his best friend and they seem to be really getting along. He forgets to do his homework, and ends up letting his perfect Straight A average slip. He drops out of school, and his family never speaks to him again. He ends up eating rotten patties from the garbage behind McDonalds, and dies a lonely death.
…
Wow. I’m really sad now.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:50 am
The “bowel evacuation” got me. Once I read that, I couldn’t hold in my laughter anymore. The scary thing is, I have a mental image of the ceiling fan bit. Thanks, Michael.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:41 am
You have a fiance? Or… a corpse? Either way, congratulations.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:38 am
i think that creature in the second to last picture will haunt my dreams forever. Thanks Mike =)
April 4th, 2009 at 3:26 am
Leather Deer.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:25 am
I uhh… I still haven’t read the article, I just want to say that the giraffe chick kind of turns me on. I think it’s real messed up of me, but it’s true. =/
April 4th, 2009 at 3:21 am
i like pie
April 4th, 2009 at 3:20 am
You went a whole hour without electricity and only killed two or three people? Jolly well done! You showed great restraint, and should feel proud as they haul you off to the chair.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:14 am
Hahaha! Brilliant as always.
Keep it up!
April 4th, 2009 at 3:10 am
Thanks for the awesome birthday present - can’t stop laughing!
April 4th, 2009 at 3:08 am
first!
April 4th, 2009 at 3:08 am
I am shocked and appalled.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:06 am
You win over 9000 internets.