Well it was only a matter of time I suppose. With the first Transformers movie succeeding despite its substantial terribleness, and the inevitable success of the sequel and it’s even more inevitable terribleness set to hit theaters this week, two facts have become obvious to the beady eyes of the Hollywood Producer:
1) Giant robots are awesome
2) People are stupid.
And what better way to capitalize on those two key facts than by making a giant robot movie guaranteed to be worse than the Transformers: a resuscitation of the Gobots franchise - the original Transformers knock off?
Well it’s happened, and thanks to the help of a naïve young production assistant who thinks I’m going to put in a good word for him with Tom Hanks (I’m not even going to mention him the next time I see Tom) I’ve managed to obtain a few select pages from the Gobot movie script. It’s pretty thrilling stuff, but I should caution any Gofans out there that Gospoilers lie within. Gotread carefully.
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Note: We think we’ve talked Segway up to $300 for the product placement. We could use it.
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Note: If we can get “Highway to the Danger Zone” for this scene we definitely should.
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This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Gobots, Hollywood, Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 3rd, 2009 at 6:20 am
Is it not worth noting (I looked through several responses, but by no means all) that Transformers is the actual knockoff? Gobots came first, although they were not as successful…
July 21st, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Gimp - Regarding the bullies whaling on the kid… yes. Where do you think all the effects are going to go in a GO-BOTS movie, into the bots? Hell, no. Into the whale-related beating in the first two minutes of the film.
The first twenty if the credits sequence is long enough.
July 21st, 2009 at 10:53 am
Michael Bay just called me. He wants your movie.
He wants it SO BAD.
July 19th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Jrq,
My biggest beef with transformers was the awful storytelling and cheesiness. It had one of the most obvious and anti-climactic climaxes I have ever seen.
To refresh, the whiney brat who’s last name I’m pretty sure is french for “the beef” has this cube and optimus prime, beaten, is begging him “put the cube in my chest”. The beef then turns around and sticks it in Megatron’s chest, and we’re done. All the fights and overused badassness is rendered useless with a 10 second act that was completely obvious to everyone (except apparently optimus prime and megatron… the fools). Also just watching it I felt like Bay was mocking us. The whole movie is based entirely on special effects and that’s not what I pay to see a movie for. Give me plot, substance, wit, drama. If the best you got is GM pimping their rides and turning a truck into a computer manufactured cheesy idiot, I’ll just watch it illegally online.
Does that answer suffice?
July 12th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
jrq:
I assume you mean the first bay movie, not revenge of the fallen.
well. The plot DID make no goddamn sense. Magic codes burnt into glasses? taking this magical mystery object that all the evil robots want into a CITY for safe keeping?
The humour was forced and unfunny. Pissing robots, hilarious. We’re not 9 years old. Sure a transformers movie should be fun for kids, but you can do that without insulting toilet humour.
it would have been so EASY to make a fun movie with this premise that everyone could enjoy on some level. While it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, the squandered potential was infuriating for anyone who was even a vague fan of the source material.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
usually i don’t post comments that arent about the article at hand but i’ m seriously searching for someone to coherantly tell me what they think sucks so hard about the transformers movie. i could get it if somebody were to say something like the plot made no sense and explain why but everywhere i go on the internet i just see crazy rants where fans whine about how bumble bee isn’t a volkswagon beetle circa 1986 anymore or how the movie had more humans than bots although the producers saidit was because they didn’t have the special effects money to animate giant fucking robots in every scene and it would be improved in the sequel which proved true. and yeah micheal bay is the king of ’splosions but he does his best to tell a good entertaining action story. i mean damn at least the people making this movie tried to keep the tranformers in character only updated for mordern day. you transformers fans really don’t know how good you have it, did you see what they did to dragonball. now that was an obvious exploited cash-in that threw away the spirit of the source material and its plot to create thier own retarded story that they didn’t even bother to try to make sense
June 25th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Rest well Michael… sniffle… http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=38&sku=E-CD00284
June 25th, 2009 at 8:12 am
This is the same motherfucker who wrote the G.I. Joe movie, isn’t it?
June 25th, 2009 at 6:31 am
GoBots: The Poor Kid’s Transformer.
And it didn’t take you half an hour to change the damn toy!
June 25th, 2009 at 6:30 am
I need a Segway so I can look like a pretentious oh-so-painfully modern asshole who’s too lazy to fucking walk…how fast those things go? 5 MPH? Hey, as long as it transforms, right?
June 25th, 2009 at 1:36 am
I’d watch the SHIT out of that movie.
June 24th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
I didn’t think it was funny. Plus, GoBots was before my time. Ah well.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
This needs to be a broadway play!
June 24th, 2009 at 8:50 am
I thought, man, that’s damn near perfect Chris.
Until I saw the comment
“The ending needs to zoom out on Nick making the dick-sucking gesture and keep zooming out until we’re in space looking at earth, then zoom out to find out Earth was on a TV monitor, then have some villanous villan laughing about what fools all these Earthlings are.
THE END… ???”
How fucking awesome is that?
June 24th, 2009 at 8:33 am
The other Cracked Writer illustrated his story with tits. SHOW ME THE TITS!!!! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=18&sku=ENGL-CD00429
June 24th, 2009 at 7:24 am
P.S. Funny script though.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Nearly everyone is missing the point of why Transformers sucked, they developed a particular CGI technology and then found an application for it by writing a shit story based around a children’s cartoon/toy range. It is the creative equivalent of wiping you arse and then having a shit.
Rant over, until I have to endure the no-doubt retarded sequel with my six year old son.
June 24th, 2009 at 6:59 am
What would LEADER 1 and CY-KILL look like and then there ol ZOD
June 24th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Damnit Bucholz! What the hell did you do to Brockway?!
June 24th, 2009 at 4:07 am
lordrambridge says:
“I personally like transformers, but I absolutely think the movie could have been better without the poor acting of Shi Labeof( I’m sure I have misspelled the name.) To me it’s really a matter of opinion, but the god forbidden Gobots?! I guess Americans are truly becoming even more idiotic by the minute.”
Did that guy even read it before he commented?
I love how he calls Americans stupid, while completely missing the point point of the article.
June 24th, 2009 at 3:57 am
I’m probably not the first to say this, but Gobots actually came before Transformers. That doesn’t make then any less craptacular. But they were first.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:21 am
nevermind, that would suck.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Do one for a live-action Beast Wars (Beasties) next.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Oh man. I’m calling my segway Scooter from now on. And he’ll take me up stairs without me even having to hold on to the handlebars…ah… and sweet, sweet, segway love..
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
If I had a spare million lying about I’d give it to you on the condition that you film this lovely.
Ok, no I wouldn’t. I just thought saying so might give you an ego boost to write more.
Kitchenaid killed me.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Sorry Leperkhan, but Transformers were around before Gobots.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:34 pm
I thought Gobots were around before Transformers,so whos a knock off of who?
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Even the scooter gets in trouble.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
What’s a Transformer anyway?
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Awesometude.
I think you might’ve made lordrambridge believe this was actually being made
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:17 pm
And just like James I’ll be drinking Irish tonight. With the memory of this last workweek will be gone forever.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Awesome.
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Nice piece dude. I laughed my ass off.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:51 pm
I had several Gobots growing up, including one that turned into a rock……
A Fucking rock!?!?
damn, I can only imagine the dissapointment
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:30 pm
I wish Scooter was real, and he was my friend. We would go on really slow paced adventures and stuff.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
This should become a movie.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
You used my name… Oh my god! Oh my god!
I rock…
(And cool article)
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I personally like transformers, but I absolutely think the movie could have been better without the poor acting of Shi Labeof( I’m sure I have misspelled the name.) To me it’s really a matter of opinion, but the god forbidden Gobots?! I guess Americans are truly becoming even more idiotic by the minute.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
That was really funny,
but i just watched transformers 2, fukin loved it, OK, story wasnt that belivable but really, who wasnt expecting that, better than harry potter. really funny in parts, expecially the giant robot balls referance, and can anyone honestly say robot ninjas blowin up shit and ripping out spines in slow motion isnt fukin awesome.
Quit bitchin, it did everything it should have done. even build on the personalities of the characters (transformers included)
Go and see it with some friends (preferably quite immature) and you definatly wont be dissapointed. Trust me, Im a doctor…….”I think”
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
wow..interesting
would u like to find some we all interested in…here is a dating site named —–.~~B l a c k W h i t e l o v i n g.c O m~~.—-.hope u get some fun
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
They had better make this.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
In Australia these guys were called “Machine Men”.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I laughed. Thank you.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Yes yes, very funny, but where the fuck is Swaim?
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Hee, I actually want them to make this.
The hacking scene was incredible.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
It’s as if someone took the transformers script and totally reversed the polarity!
Extremely funny, and it just kept getting better.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I’ve never heard of the Gobots. But I’ve heard of Chris Bucholz, and I’ve never been happier that that is the case.
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I had several Gobots growing up, including one that turned into a rock……
A Fucking rock!?!?
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
to much build up, not enough joke
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
The formatting’s mostly right, unless you’re being picky about spacing and capitalization.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:58 pm
“Nick, can I please have the GoNADs now?”
I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for a GoBot to ask me that… (yes, my name is Nick!)
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Every day I live in fear of being GRAVELY INCONVENIENCED!
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Bad Kermit, both the transformers and gobots were originally a japanese toyline with the “diaclones/microman” being changed to transfomers when hasbro bought the rights…. that toy line was created in 1980, the gobots (originally machine robo) was brought over to north america afterwards by tonka and was created in 1983. neither toyline or cartoon series was known by their transformer or gobot names till their americanization… .
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I’m only half way through but so far the dialogue is 100 times more believable than any of the actual dialogue from the real Transformers movie, also I don’t hate every human character with a firey passion
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
That last scene would be worth watching the whole goddamn movie for.
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:30 am
Your formatting is all wrong. if you’re going to fake it, fake it properly.
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:29 am
“He is GRAVELY INCONVIENCED.” = Solid GOLD!!!!!!!!!
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 am
How can the Gobots be a Transformers knock-off? They were around before Transformers were.
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
Haha, some funny stuff here. The computer hacking and the GoNADS were the best.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
michael bay + robots + shia lebouf (again)= me picking up a 13.99 blu ray right before christmas
reference quality material? probably
quality material? probably not
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:46 am
Ya know what I don’t get? Why do people feel the need to defend a movie like transformers? Especially when defending it they even say that it sucked but we should of expected it to suck. If you want mindless entertainment fine, but don’t defend it from justified claims that it’s mindless hackneyed drivel.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:42 am
I have to say I actually liked Transformers, I thought it was pretty kick-ass, and if you have a problem with it, well, to borrow from Bucholz, “I’m holding my fist up to my mouth and poking tongue into cheek pantomiming sucking a penis,” blow me until you choke to death. Oh and @Zerocyde, seriously you’re going to shit talk any movie, and I do mean ANY movie and than with no shame say that you liked The Happening.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:41 am
dude, i would watch this movie.
i would watch this movie much more readily than i would watch transformers II
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
the bullies “whaled” on him, eh?
what does that entail? beating him with whales?
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:21 am
Yeah this is one of the only places i go that i hear people trashing the transformers movies. Did any of you fuckholes bother to go back and watch the old g1 cartoons. It’s amazing that transformers holds any positive memories for any of us as bad as the writers and hasbro tried to rape that cartoon. Did you guys go in expecting shakespeare, cuz i feel sorry for anybody who grew up watchin the transformers and then somehow came away from the movie disappointed. Your memory doesn’t serve you as well as you think. I can point out a hundred things right now that pissed me off about the first movie, of course i don’t expect much from hollywood, GM, and hasbro and neither should any of you. People act like this was the 2nd coming of AVP or jurassic park 2.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:13 am
i agree with the fact that with a movie about giant robots you shoudnt be expecting a clever plot but they did try to write a story and it was bad. liking it doesnt make you an idiot. honestly i dont remember there being a rule that said explosions and giant robots fighting each other was bad. besides if you were able to enjoy it that doesnt make you an idiot it means you left not feeling like you wasted ten dollars. unlike the people who spent an extra 2 hours complaining about it.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:12 am
Will people just stop trashing Transformers already? It’s a summer movie. You don’t go to it for an awesome script and a well thought out plot. With 1 notable exception (you all know what I’m talking about) summer movies are really stupid. And Transformers was stupid. However, it was also fun, and that’s what it’s about.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:59 am
So this whole this is just an extended dick joke? I love it. I eagerly await the sequel in which the rock lords* make their appearence.
*Rocks that come alive, rock lords.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:18 am
You know what.. I’d watch this movie just to see the GoNADs shoot their blast at CY-KILL..
Then I’d rent it, copy the GoNADs shooting scene and make it my screen saver. That just a nice treat, you leave your desk, come back and your pc is shooting GoNAD death right at you.
Bucholz, you rock… again
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:17 am
I saw many people are discussing this on the forum of tall people relationship site called http://Tallloving.com . You may go there to check it if you are interested.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:12 am
is there something that reversing the polarity can’t solve?
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:06 am
“Bully 1 and Bully 2 proceed to whale on Nick”? I’m getting the image of two beluga sized teenaged boys squishing another boy with a move reminiscent of “The Worm”.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:59 am
Chris just prematurely did Rod Hilton’s job for him with this movie!
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:59 am
The ending needs to zoom out on Nick making the dick-sucking gesture and keep zooming out until we’re in space looking at earth, then zoom out to find out Earth was on a TV monitor, then have some villanous villan laughing about what fools all these Earthlings are.
THE END… ???
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:47 am
@Fisto
You make an entire post bitching because someone didn’t like a movie that you liked and then ended by saying that it’s okay to do that as long as it’s to a movie that I don’t like also? I happened to enjoy the happening… for the most part, but still, I enjoyed it.
Don’t be such a hippocrate, everyone has opinions…
..and as long as we all hate Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer and every movie that they make then everyone is okay.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:38 am
@ Fisto: Sorry to break it to ya, but yes it does. It does make you stupid. Not that I disagree with the rest of your post, but there was precious little of the things you mention, and a lot of Shia LeSuck.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:35 am
He’s in talks: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Good to get someone to play a superhero with meat on his bones for a change (like Jackman)!
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:33 am
Fisto McPuppyPuncher,
I would venture that the fact that you WERE able to enjoy it thoroughly indicates that you are, as it happens, stupid. You could use the same argument about everything we love. Robots, mutants, aliens etc. Just because we have to suspend disbelief to enjoy the premise doesn’t excuse the complete rape of everything cool by those who don’t even care about the spirit of the piece and are only looking for a career/product placement vehicle.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:23 am
I know it’s gonna suck, but if you _do_ see Tom, tell him I can easily play someone from Iowa. Or the Pacific. Either way.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:19 am
Ok, First off, the Tranformers movie wasn’t that terrible, I enjoyed it thoroughly, it doesn’t make me stupid for liking it. I mean, come on seriously… you don’t watch a movie based on a cartoon from the 80’s about giant robots fighting eachother for substance or good scripting! You watch it to see giant robots kill each other… and explosions, I never said it was good though, it was bad, but very entertaining. If you wanna bash a movie pick on The Happening! Now that was a shitty movie.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:15 am
The only problem with this is that the Gobots themselves are in this script way too much… you really should pad it out with more unlikeable, talentless 30 year-old teenagers.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:58 am
Haha, I thouroghly enjoyed their transformations. LOL at the Honda Goldwing and Volvo 240.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:57 am
Yeah man, the Bots are back.
No, not the Go-Bots, the Spam Bots.
Hey, that would be an awesome movie.
also, this is exactly how lame a GoBots movie would be, 2nd rate cars and vehicles with 4th rate plots.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:51 am
I get the feeling Chris has been waiting for 20 years to use goNADs in a Gobot reference.
Well played… well played.
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:59 am
Mmmm… Clara (that’s a horse’s name, isn’t it?!)… http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=4&sku=ENGL-CD00260 You’re HAWT Baby! XOXO!
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:42 am
Man, Transformers sucks.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:10 am
Wow, this has “Best Motion Picture - 1982″ written ALL over it! I can’t wait!
GoNADs. Classic.
June 23rd, 2009 at 4:41 am
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