When considering the plots of comedy movies, fellow Cracked columnist and comedy professor at Internet University Seanbaby advocates a policy of “Defending the Movie to Aliens,” whereby the ridiculously shitty nature of the movie is deconstructed and revealed in the process of having to explain it to an outsider.
Similarly, when looking at the state of current events, I like to employ the “What Would this Look Like in a History Text Book?” method (because I’m nerdier than the rest of the Cracked staff in just about every conceivable way). Consider your high school history text (see?) and imagine where today’s events would fit in. In the future, when my bastard children are reading about what life was like in their alleged father’s time, what are they going to see? Take right now, for example, where there are hundreds of news articles dedicated to who tweeted about what the president said about Kanye West (who, I’d like to point out, might be retarded). How’s that going to look in a history book?
It helps to do this sometimes, to say, “Hey, people just might be reading about this 40 years down the line, and what we do today might be used as barometer that determines what kind of people we were. So let’s try not to be such assholes.”
This entry was posted on Friday, September 18th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Everyone is going to hate this post., History, I'm a Nerd, Kanye West. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 19th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Probably the best possible summary of Obama’s first year.
November 15th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
lol, Palin became president after Obama xDxD
November 10th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
to noted satirist Dan O’Brien;
I think anybody who has to constantly deal with a**holes should tell them to stick it, Obama included. The press, dems, republicans, and Charlie Sheen!! Obama needs a big fat pimp hand to slap all those b**ches into place! and Kanye West is a jackass!
November 4th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Brilliant. Buy me a new computer, I spit coffee on mine
November 4th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I still don’t think anyone realizes that this is a comedy website.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Hilarious article
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Alright, I had to stop 7 comments down because I think I actually felt a few braincells die. I’ll address a few of those comments individually, then get to my actual thought on the post.
J-villainous, I don’t particularly care for the rest of your comment, but I just feel the need to point out that Marxism is actually communism, not the same as socialism. And what exactly is wrong with socialism? Many European countries are socialist and they’re a lot better off than we are.
Pissed Off, of course it’s biased. Comedy is usually at someone’s expense, so really in a way all comedy is biased. You’re just shouting about it because it (I assume) goes against your beliefs.
ChumpyGrumps…I…*sigh* I would address each of your comments, but that would be giving them validity. All I have to say to you is it’s people like you who make me ashamed to be American.
Eric and deibee, amen! (Eric, I’ve gotten the same comments from other people and quite honestly the only reason I’m not out already is because of funding problems.)
I think the article is spot-on, really. Obama’s had to debunk so much bullshit, he hasn’t had much time to do much of anything. I mean, people for a week covered his killing A FUCKING FLY!!! Who the Hell cares, really?? The point of this article was to point out how much bullshit Obama’s being put through just because a bunch of people are afraid of change.
No, I’m not a screaming Obama fan girl. I’m cautious and waiting to see how his administration goes. But as a future history teacher, I’m dreading having to teach this part of American history to my students. It makes me ashamed to be living as an American, with all of this bullshit. I’m really surprised, however, that the author didn’t comment on all of the Michael Jackson death press coverage when there’s still, y’know, legislation going on while the guy’s in a box underground.
October 31st, 2009 at 10:27 pm
“1…if you dont like america…get the f*#k out.”
I’m working on it, because I want to be as far as I can from people like you.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
could everyone stop bitching about the “politics” behind this article? if you thought it was funny, say so. if you didn’t, say so. I loved it!
October 25th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Too bad this was too early to get the Nobel Prize thing in. Woulda been cool.
But the Fox News thing would have totally blown it.
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:34 pm
So THIS is what I get for freeing you from being my slaves?
Kanye West, a known retard, and Obama, a known politician?
(Same Thing). Dave Chappelle I could understand….
Yeah, you really showed ME that whole “Black History” thing….
You know, we killed a ton of Indians for a WHOLE helluva lot less, and got a WHOLE bunch more in return….stick a cotton pickin’ stob in your ho cakes!
And seriously people, if you are going to give Obama a Clintonian Monica, at least throw in a dry handjob before you have his children.
Stop being desperate whores, and you won’t get fucked so fast.
No matter the color of the wang digging in.
Bush is STILL lookin’ real good right now…..at least he fucked you with no smile, no jokes, and no spastic lawyerisms. I like my forced anal rape dry and FAST. Obama is just making it slow, and with lots of slobber……
At least with Palin, I can swap the spoons. And the sporks.
AND get my monies worth.
(Sorry, I guess I am just not into having illegitimate illegal immigrants having their finger on the Big Button. It’s ok, I can understand if you are too “Kanye Stupid” to get that.)
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
Wow, I’m so happy right now. Like the branninator, I thought everybody would be mindlessly chanting, “Go Obama!” But, no, people have some common (well, uncommon now, unfortunately) sense.
ANYWAYS, all complaints about Obama aside, are you kidding me? This is ridiculously biased! I love your site to death, because it’s funny, and is a break from everybody booing each-other. SERIOUSLY, one of the things I thought to myself was, “Wow, no ‘political satire’ that completely bashes somebody’s beliefs!” But… it seems you aren’t any better than the rest of them.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:47 am
“P.S. for the record President Obama is a Marxist.”
Wow. I went down to the comments section expecting untold amounts of ignorance, and there ya go, the first post has this gem.
Pathetic.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:01 am
Dear DOB,
Cracked is one of my favorite websites and I really normally like what you have to say. That is until you start trying to be a politician. You’re a fucking comedy writer, stay that way. Also, you can call this political satire all day but its not. If thats what you wanted then you should’ve made fun of both sides. Let me remind you that your job is to make people laugh not to push a political agenda.
P.S. for the record President Obama is a Marxist. Which is a form of socialism. And don’t think Americans wouldn’t vote for a socialist. Eugene V. Debbs got one million votes and he ran under the socialist party.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:42 am
Why does everyone who disagrees with / dislikes Obama have to be a racist? I couldn’t care less about what color his skin is, I fucking hate his health care reforms, and the fact that he hasn’t filled any of his promises. I think people who voted on him because he’s black are racist. How’s that? I voted for the crusty old white guy… Its worked for us for over 200 years… Why change it now?
October 20th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I am scared for the future.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
If anyone cares to know the truth… blogging will be our society’s demise.
Before it’s invention; only a small pool of people got to know how ignorant of a person you truly were. Now you can put it out there for the whole world to see.
I really do wish that literacy and comprehension always accompanied one another.
I am aware that right-wing radical racists must jump at every opportunity they can get in order to trash our President. However, a request… if you are going to subject people to your ranting at least seperate your opinion from the fact.
Fact: this article is about dumb people… unfortunately the U.S. population at large.
Opinion: people who don’t understand that are idiots and your library card should be revoked so that you can’t crawl out of your trailer and post dumb comments.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Awesome article. Will probably be entirely true.
October 19th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Scut, to simply say those who don`t like Obama are commies or uneducated hicks is retarded. I am not a commie but have a graduate degree from University in Canada, Masters in History and English. Now I do not know Obama personally and cannot say whether i truly like him or not, but do i like him as the president, not one bit. There are many reasons for this belief, which I don`t care to get into on here.
Seriously though, Scut, you are a fucking waste of life and should be immediately and expediently removed from the gene pool.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
You know… has anyone else noticed that the comments section is now largely filled with people criticizing and loudly stating their negative opinions towards those who had been criticizing and loudly stating their negative opinions towards Obama? Like, it started out with “Obama is an idiot!” but now it’s mostly filled with “You’re an idiot for saying that!”
Yeah, heh heh, whatever. -L^
October 17th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
The only people in the entire world who dont like Obama are commies and uneducated hicks, so decide which one you are before you go off on another hate rant you dipshits.
October 17th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
An awesomely hilarious piece.
The article’s not bad either
*wink wink, nudge nudge*
know what I mean? …even if you don’t I’m gonna carry on anyway because my opinion is of utmost significance. Oh yes.
October 17th, 2009 at 11:22 am
“All you people who still say negative comments about Obama:
1) If you’re white — you’re racist.”
Playing the race card again, are we? Well anyway, funny article Cracked, really!
October 17th, 2009 at 6:30 am
You guys flaming this article are all idiots. By now you should know Cracked is a) extremely left-leaning, b) more interested in the hilarity than the reality of the “facts” they work with, and c) definitely not interested in arguing its view points. This article was so ridiculous I don’t know how you all can take it as serious political commentary. The point is it was hilarious and awesome so it doesn’t really matter.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:06 am
Damn. You guys are crazy. Between the racism and stupid republican bullshit, I don’t think anyone of you is actually producing an argument. I mean seriously. Kool-aid? Grow up. I do actually agree with this article. Especially the pie chart. He has hardly done any presidenting , but he hasn’t had a chance what with all the stupid shit happening that seems to presidence over things that are actually important.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Great article. All you people who still say negative comments about Obama:
1) If you’re white — you’re racist.
2) If you’re black — you’ve been brainwashed by racist whites.
3) If you’re latino/a — you’ve been brainwashed by racist whites or by blacks who were brainwashed by racist whites.
4) If you’re asian — you’re racist
October 14th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
youre sooooooooo funny….. and witty to boot
October 13th, 2009 at 1:03 am
THIS WAS ONE OF THE BEST ARTICLES I HAVE EVER READ! BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ROCK DUDE!!
October 12th, 2009 at 8:57 am
“fucking Charlie Sheen” will be on the vocab test. You can find it in the glossary.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
fuck. koolaid.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
so i read thru that list of all the promises he kept, and oddly enough it seems like hes expanding and giving alot… in a recession. how can we expect to get out of a recession if we constantly give away free shit? answer me that. if the governement spends money on stuff thats cool because thats atleast putting moolah into the economy but to just make more gov programs is pissing away taxpayer money that should be in my pocket or being spent on useful shit. like fighter jets.
but good job drinking the coolaid, and really palin?? shes a fucking face for the republican party. if u really wanted to hit us u couldve said michael savage and ann coulter. good job shithead.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Drink the coolaid much?
When CNN has to defend the president against SNL -ANOTHER liberal forum- I don’t think your pissy little thoughts matter much.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Hilrious.
Anyone else see the irony of a writer for Cracked.com lamenting the ubiquity of delusional narcissists who think everyone cares what they have to say?
Same to me I guess
October 10th, 2009 at 10:31 am
People, please, total humans, droids? It is funny. Yeah, it is a little slanted, but it hurts the slant more than anything. I gotta say, though, the ‘quote’ by John McCain is probably the best. “This shit is funny.” You know, he’s probably laughing his way to the bank right now. Or thanking his lucky stars he’s not the president dealing with this shit.
Oh, and the thing where we all think what we have to say matters? Yeah…
October 10th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I was seriously searching for a comment Charlie Sheen made about THE ARRIVALS, a documentary. I didn’t know the arrival was a movie he was in.
October 9th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
This had me in tears. Fucking brilliance! D.O.B., you are totally my fucking hero now.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Goddamnit half of you posters are such morons. If you are going to subject people to your irrelevant rants, at least try to read the thing you are whining about. This article was making fun of the birthers and the people who spend their time wondering about what kind of socks Obama prefers. Your lame NOBAMA jokes just make you sound EVEN MORE RETARDED.
Goddamnit, do you WANT D.O.B. to have to choke a bitch?
October 9th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Wow, this isn’t biased at all. I mean, really. Not at all.
…
…
Fuck you, DOB. Introduce an intelligent argument. Obama has done nothing because he’s spent too much of his presidency NOT DOING ANYTHING. He obviously hasn’t done much, but it’s not the fault of the idiot minority asking for evidence of his citizenship. It’s his own fault. It’s his own fault that he’s too busy sucking up the fame juice that being President and black at the same time provides to do anything that might matter.
I suppose trying to claim the Olympics was all in the favor of proving that he’s actually president. Sure. That’s really significant.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Idiot bullshit. The big 0 has never produced a birth certificate, he produced a certificate of live birth which is not the smae thing. More liberal hog wash pedalled a objective. And the worst part? IT’S NOT DAMNED FUNNY! Please, eat shit and die.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Lmao, completely brilliant. I’m thinking Obama would have been better off being the president of another country so he could actually do his job and not have to deal with… well, America.
October 7th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
HAHAHAHA!
this is a GREAT article, and i have it on my word document best of cracked.
the rest of you- really? really? cracked is a humor website, lets not discuss partisan polotics.
October 7th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
You both parallel citizen’s of our country (the people he represents as President) as flies, unimportant and probably worth ignoring, and blame his complete incompetence in getting a single thing done while in office (during the time his party holds crushing majority in the legislative branch) on “people bugging him with questions”.
I realize this is satire but how can those two points be part of your opinion on the topic? Read them again. You think he should consider his constituents as flies and that his flaw is “appeasing the public”? He hasn’t appeased the public at all. I’m trying to find another way to look at this. The only different take I can find is that in the second point I mention here you are limp-wristedly chiding him for spending any time at all dealing with business unrelated to large problems he faces while in office.
Better angle: “Once in office, Obama faced to horrible reality of having to fix any of the crises the country was faced with. After two or three late nights during his first week as President, he decided to start small and simply pick out a pet for his family. Mulling over this decision for two months, he afterward settled into the rest of his Presidency, consisting of casual discussions of future decisions he intended to think about with the press.”
Or something like that. Grow some teeth when you satire Obama, don’t become Leno/SNL/everyone in comedy.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:07 am
just in case you didnt notice, he did unfortunately win the election
October 6th, 2009 at 8:06 am
hey david, Obama and the thieving bastards we have now, are the same people….
October 4th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 4th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
“how america almost uninvented electricity” = genius.
i guess i’m a nerd too, because i totally wonder what history will say about this mess we have on our hands.. except unfortunately i think the real deal might turn out to be a bit more scary, and a lot less funny :/
October 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
@Justworkin
for… the love… of god… can you stop… with the fucking… ellipses…
October 4th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
@Armo
You’re an idiot. You only get to complain if you picked the lesser of two evils and the greater evil won. THAT is how voting works. You did shit so your opinion means even less than it could’ve. Have a nice day. Kill yourself.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:36 pm
oh my god… I can almost imagine this happening… somebody gives this to the news…
September 30th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I’m a hardcore Conservative and this article made me laugh until I shat myself.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:22 am
This was probably the stupidest thing I ever ever read in my life.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:10 am
dear….armo…are you involved…you didnt even vote so i’m thinking….no. So your passive aggressive ways of just standing by and let other people make your decisions for you is the way your going to live your live..thats real cool…good for you…….dumbass
September 30th, 2009 at 6:57 am
To ‘justworkin’.
I stand by the idea that I do not vote. That way, whoever gets into power was in no way put there by me. Thus, I am entitled to complain as long and as loudly as I want about how bad the individual in power is.
So, yeah, suck it.
September 29th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
This response page is a perfect example of our country.
September 29th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
1…if you dont like america…get the f*#k out.
2…ur here..not any where else…suppourt it…or get the F*#k out
3…theres probably 40% of people on this comment section that voted..if you did…for either party…thank you..if you didnt…shut the F*#k up.
4. we all want to bitch… but the truth is none of us is involved….to get shit done…you have to be involved…point blank…ranting about shit on comment sections…doesnt count.
5.. no one is going to do this for us…we want change..we have to make it happen.
September 28th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Hey Gueren, F$#K YOU Asshole!!!
September 27th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Sorta hoping all his proposals get defeated and America continues to crash and burn. Bitching about a birth certificate? Who cares? The man pretty much lived his entire life in the country and has done a lot of good for it. Reading these comments was friggen depressing thinking of the completely vapid wastes of space that inhabit America. News flash to America: you aren’t special anymore. You’re politics are a joke and you’re culture is lagging all others in the Western World. You may have been great once, but not anymore.
Just hurry up and fail already.
September 26th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
D’aww, this is so much how I feel. Thanks. <3
September 25th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Everyone is going to hate this post, nice category
September 25th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
the chapter 7 part was funnier than the entire article, and that’s saying something because this was very funny.
i loves you.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:52 am
And a bi hoge L O L at the comment section on this one.What the fuck people? Go find a political forum and rid us of this douchebaggery.
Great article though, awesome funny.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Hey, this is a peachy bit of writing; I also occasionally employ the same thought-experiment and have concluded that unless we are rapidly de-evolving as a species, history books must be routinely edited for gravitas.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Rickyrodd would never be invited to one of my awesome house parties.
Just because I think he’s a robot. Or actually, I don’t really care if he’s a robot… But I do think he’s one of those non-funny models like the MORONATOR 5000 or something like that. Dumb, boring robots are lame. But, whatev.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:57 am
You are a funny summbitch (meant in the nicest way possible), let history chew on that yo!
September 25th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Actually, yeah I did. Its satire. My response was to the debate among the commentators talking independently of the article about Obama’s progress this far. I guess you didn’t “get that”.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
You didn’t “get it”. That’s okay Rickyrodd
September 24th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
From Politifact.org.
Promises kept:
No. 15: Create a foreclosure prevention fund for homeowners
No. 33: Establish a credit card bill of rights
No. 36: Expand loan programs for small businesses
No. 40: Extend and index the 2007 Alternative Minimum Tax patch
No. 58: Expand eligibility for State Children’s Health Insurance Fund (SCHIP)
No. 76: Expand funding to train primary care providers and public health practitioners
No. 77: Increase funding to expand community based prevention programs
No. 88: Sign the UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities
No. 119: Appoint a special adviser to the president on violence against women
No. 125: Direct military leaders to end war in Iraq
No. 134: Send two additional brigades to Afghanistan
No. 174: Give a speech at a major Islamic forum in the first 100 days of his administration
No. 222: Grant Americans unrestricted rights to visit family and send money to Cuba
No. 224: Restore funding for the Byrne Justice Assistance Grant (Byrne/JAG) program
No. 225: Establish an Energy Partnership for the Americas
No. 239: Release presidential records
No. 241: Require new hires to sign a form affirming their hiring was not due to political affiliation or contributions.
No. 278: Remove more brush, small trees and vegetation that fuel wildfires
No. 290: Push for enactment of Matthew Shepard Act, which expands hate crime law to include sexual orientation and other factors
No. 307: Create a White House Office on Urban Policy
No. 327: Support increased funding for the NEA
No. 332: Add another Space Shuttle flight
No. 334: Use the private sector to improve spaceflight
No. 338: Explore whether International Space Station can operate after 2016
No. 345: Enhance earth mapping
No. 346: Appoint an assistant to the president for science and technology policy
No. 356: Establish special crime programs for the New Orleans area
No. 359: Rebuild schools in New Orleans
No. 371: Fund a major expansion of AmeriCorps
No. 391: Appoint the nation’s first Chief Technology Officer
No. 411: Work to overturn Ledbetter vs. Goodyear
No. 421: Appoint an American Indian policy adviser
No. 427: Ban lobbyist gifts to executive employees
No. 452: Weatherize 1 million homes per year
No. 458: Invest in all types of alternative energy
No. 459: Enact tax credit for consumers for plug-in hybrid cars
No. 480: Support high-speed rail
No. 483: Invest in public transportation
No. 498: Provide grants to encourage energy-efficient building codes
No. 506: Raise the small business investment expensing limit to $250,000 through the end of 2009
No. 507: Extend unemployment insurance benefits and temporarily suspend taxes on these benefits
No. 513: Reverse restrictions on stem cell research
September 24th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I like how a lot of people think their opinion is of the utmost importance and will write an entire book in the comment section and scream at people for not agreeing with them.
You’re all dumb.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
FTW.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
It’s called satire for a reason dipshits!
And in the whole spectrum of things what has B.O actually accomplished, it seems the only action accomplished has been uniting, quotations on UNITING, the American people under the facade that change is under way. Might as well give him a chance since it seems there is no other options left, except for maybe my best buddy Kucinich next election.
ROTFL
good shit!
September 24th, 2009 at 2:09 am
@mudslngr1
why? why do you hate obama? unless you can give an educated answer when you make retard statements like that, then, i’ll assume your a racist from the trashier parts of the south.
and therefore your opinion doesnt matter.
i <3 obama
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:03 pm
god this makes me want to cry
surprisingly in-depth DOB
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Wardco:
“I’ll say it again; Anyone who thinks 9/11, the JFK assassination, or the Lunar Landings was a conspiracy is a FUCKING IDIOT and I hope you DIE from lack of oxygen to your brain.”
Hey, dipshit. Even if Al Queda pulled off 9/11 without help, they still conspired to do it. That makes it a conspiracy.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Kevin:
“The idea that the U.S. gov’t orchestrated 9/11 and did this without any official noticing or throwing up a red flag (this would require at least ten thousand people to plan and execute) is preposterous.”
Which 10,000 people orchestrated it then? Are there 10,000 Muslim extremists embedded in the Pentagon and NORAD? If so, we better fucking surrender. They’ve got us.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Spot on article, DOB. Excellent work!
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I think a PALIN LIMBAUGH history lesson would be much much sadder and funnier.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Can`t we give Obama a chance? Yeah, we tortured his Granddad, during the Mau Mau Revolt, and made him not like us, but I`d rather have him, than John “tortured by Vietnam,” McCaine. He ISN`T “The Black Hitler,” as Israel, and right-wing nutters keep calling him. He wants America, to have an NHS, which ISN`T socialist. (what the hell is Socialism anyway?) England isn`t a socialist country. Whats better-Obama-or the thieving bastards, we have.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Seriously. If you fucks (tkwelge, bobbo, etc.) are such ideologues that you can’t see the humor in this you should just go back to Fox Nation or StormFront or wherever it is you came from and leave us non-20%ers alone.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
So true. Obama was born in Kenya! Obama’s a Muslim! Why does the last one even matter? Despite common belief, we are at war with terrorists, not Muslims, or Iraq. Also, I’m a swing voter, so I have an unbiased(yeah right) opinion about this.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:57 am
Teddy Roosevelt would kill a man twice before he hit the ground with only a dismissive glare if he had to deal with this kind of shit. Obama should take notes.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Nice article DOB, and insightfully tagged.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:47 am
That’s what the left does. When they are out of power, they pretend that the right is the evil empire trying to embark on its plans for world domination, meanwhile when they are in power, the right is just a bunch of loud nut jobs from the south. Shuckembuck!
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:46 am
I’m sorry, but this isn’t even funny as comedy. Unless you’re just the kind of person who just believes that Glenn Beck represents the right or that Rush Limbaugh is just a jackass (even though even the biased stuff that he says isn’t anymore offensive than anything the left or its media personalities say; only cognitive dissonance allows lefties to see a difference). Ha ha ha, obama got called out by some morons wanting to see a birth certificate. Where’s the humor? Unless you just hate the right and want to engage in a political circle jerk, this was the most useless article ever.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:34 am
my dissoloutionment(surly not spelt write) with obama clouded my take on this article. You rock D.O.B but seriously, FUCK OBAMA!
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:20 am
Yea, fuck Seanbaby. (Just joke’in ya fucks, he rocks too)
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Funny article, DOB. I really liked it.
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:35 am
D.O.B, this is why you’re my favorite.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:39 am
Apparently, there are many big-boobed beauties seeking my attention. How could I have not noticed before? Also, great article DOB… I don’t think my cat will ever forgive me for laughing the way I did.
Keep it polite everybody, we’re all friends here.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:44 am
@Bobbo
Aw, diddums.
Did this humor article not live up to your expectations? You should personally attack the author’s intelligence.
THAT’LL get your comments noticed.
September 21st, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Fantastic article. Quite insightful.
Also, I feel shame for all of the imbeciles wasting their time in flame wars in the comments section.
IT’S THE INTERNET, NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. STOP TAKING IT SERIOUSLY.
September 21st, 2009 at 8:50 pm
You are a pompous, elitist ass. There’s plenty more material far more intelligent than yours on this website. You pretend to be someone who is thoughtful and above the blogging masses as you spew everything which follows the belief “Republicans are bad and Democrats are good”…
on the internet.
You started out pretty funny, but fell off when it turned from making humerous exaggerations to just you trying to metaphorically hump the leg of most contemporary Americans and prove your dominance. Rush Limbaugh, Obama, and the entire staff of CNN are at least more useful than you and probably far more educated.
September 21st, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Also
To whoever thought that just because the nazi party had the socialist word in it’s name makes it socialist in ideology.
You guys are being WAY to literal about it.
Seriously lrn2research.
September 21st, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS LAUGHING AT THIS. Huzzah, DOB (=
September 21st, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Politics in America is a joke. I love how Americans FUCKING HATE communism and socialism even though the majority (of those who voice their oppinion) don’t know jack about any of it.
And btw.
liberals = leftwing?
You must be joking.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Did you people see the forerunner for Captain America http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ visiting The Whitehouse on Entertainment Tonight AND Showbiz Tonight? Fuckin’ guy is getting the royalty treatment already!!!!
September 21st, 2009 at 3:04 pm
TortoiseBoy, you read my mind!!!
September 21st, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Haha…I’m very much anti-Obama/socialism/lies/spend-the-money-to-save-everybody-from-themselves bullshit…but this is funny. If Dan can reach across the political spectrum and make almost everyone laugh, he has talent. “Are those even his real arms?” Priceless.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Hilarious as always, Dan.
Fuck his opinion about Kanye, though. What I really want to know is what does Obama think of Beyonce’s real singing voice on the Today Show. God knows that shit is so much more life threatening and controversial than Pro-Zionist/Israeli war-mongering and the militarization of domestic law-enforcement.
Instead of preparing for a lifetime of boot-stomping fascism and oppression, unrelenting poverty and diseases, diminished resources for the basic needs of my loved ones,
I’m gonna dedicate my life to finding out exactly what was going through Barrack’s head while he was watching the 3 straight weeks of Michael Jackson death coverage and the subsequent custody battles over his non-biological test tube children.
I demand that the world stop once more for Michael Jackson and Obama’s twitter updates! I DEMAND JUSTICE FOR THE MASSES!!!!
September 21st, 2009 at 2:03 pm
heheh, nice article, Chapter 7 would be funny I’m sure. I think the period of appeasement belongs on wikipeon immediatley.
Oh and the time management not too bad, could have used a slice of, time spent using AF One to take the wife out like gere dragged julie around in pretty woman.
September 21st, 2009 at 9:33 am
LOL at the people that thought it was “too biased.” If you think making fun of nutjobs shows a political bias then you need to do something about your party.
Do the birthers and glenn-beck-watching-racist-sign-carriers even realize that the silent majority of the country is laughing at them?
September 21st, 2009 at 8:27 am
Cue the “rofl double post n00b panda” comments
September 21st, 2009 at 8:26 am
Did you people not read how he made fun of fucktards like yourselves (yourselves being people who argue about politics in comment sections) who think their comments matter to anyone? Joke’s on you, shitheads.
That is all.
September 21st, 2009 at 8:25 am
Did you people not read how he made fun of fucktards like yourselves who think their comments matter to anyone? Joke’s on you, shitheads.
That is all.
September 21st, 2009 at 7:21 am
Why Oh why did I read the comments? Why? Please tell me! Could someone also explain where the bias comes in at? As far as I could tell it made fun of just about everyone. Oh that’s right, if your party is made fun of it’s automatically biased even if the other side is made fun of too. I forget how “real” Americans think.
Loved the article though, I think most who read it did.
September 21st, 2009 at 7:18 am
Please publish chapter 7, it looks interesting.
September 21st, 2009 at 6:49 am
I’m ashamed of the media today. That is all.
September 21st, 2009 at 6:02 am
Me too! nush I love DOB too))
September 21st, 2009 at 5:04 am
ashamed for having been alive that week doesn’t begin to cover it.
September 21st, 2009 at 4:01 am
Wow, incredibly clever, but a bit too frighteningly possible for me to actually laugh at much. Well, except for the Palin/Limbaugh Administration. Which is also entirely possible, but would be completely hilarious even if it does happen.
September 21st, 2009 at 1:23 am
Absolutely stunning and hilarious article!
September 20th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
I think you got the pie chart wrong….. The huge chunk of blue representing debunking myths should have represented Time spent on television pretending to be Rockstar instead of Presidenting…
September 20th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Chojinra: The majority of Cracked comments are surprisingly and disappointingly retarded.
It’s a shame really, the content’s great, but the site seems to share users with YouTube or something.
September 20th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
……… Geezus.
I haven’t felt this bad over retarded comments since the East Coast / West Coast Beef of the early 90’s.
Which is pretty much today’s political atmosphere. What gives, did I jump into a fucking time machine, or something?
Great article, DOB. 501 comments. Geezus.
September 20th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
“Chapter 7: The Palin/Limbaugh Administration, or, How America Almost Uninvented Electricity”
Brilliant.
On a side note, this is quite possible the least biased piece of political satire I’ve seen in quite a while. The anti-Obama’s are idiots for asking such moronic things, and the Obama Administration is similarly idiotic for kowtowing to such demands. The article pretty much describes this decade perfectly: a circle jerk of chronic stupidity.
September 20th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
It’s so much funnier as an Australian reading this, because I don’t have to feel the shame that this is happening in my own country.
September 20th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
It’s funny how a lot of comments are /talking/ about people bitching, yet almost no one’s actually doing it.
September 20th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
DOB - very funny as usual, but vastly more grammatical errors than usual. No biggie, especially since this was a bit more wordy than your usual stuff. Don’t worry, we all still love ya. Plus it looks like it sparked over 500 comments blasting hatred toward anyone and everyone. Reminds me of when I pounded my dick with a meat tenderizer then tried to jack off into my girls mouth. It got ALL OVER her face and boobs. Which was fine, just messy. Boy, what a night that was.
September 20th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
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September 20th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Fucking damn it Daniel! Damn it! You mentioned Obama! Look at the comments section and grieve at what you’ve summoned!
September 20th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Brilliant article Dan, it’s just a shame that the comment section is going to be full of political bitching. As always.
September 20th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Beer sessions on the white house front lawn with casual racists, brilliant.
September 20th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
DOB…you and me… soulmates. I feel ya.
September 20th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Pretty lame attempt at injecting your liberal viewpoints into humor… not just pretty lame, extremely lame.
September 20th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Meh, hes had enough time to own half the banks in the United States.
September 20th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
HA! F*cking GREAT! I loved the “did you knows?”
“…did I ever get around to — Oh. Oh, f*ck me.”
I’m volunteering at our public library right now and I’m under the front desk laughing my ass off, trying desperately not to disturb anyone…DOB, hats off. Mr. Swift you are not, but damn close.
Bravo.
September 20th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
man i laughed so hard hubby gave me strange looks and asked what was goin on…
btw it was during the years in chapter 7 that i finally killed myself in exasperation and i love two and a half men - thought u dick joke loving-writers would’ve too…hmmm…jealous much??
September 20th, 2009 at 10:00 am
I LOVE the chapter 7 title. Nice one DOb
September 20th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I see the comment section is overwhelming filled with (political) nerd rage again today.
Shame.
September 20th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Hilarious! This was very well written and too funny.
September 20th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Do people reading cracked actually not realize that almost everything posted on this site is some variety of social satire? I don’t know how anyone on either political “side of the fence” could be bothered by this. Just laugh at it for what it is and hit the “next” button.
September 20th, 2009 at 7:47 am
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September 20th, 2009 at 7:42 am
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September 20th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Well, hell, mike, you’ve got to admit that Kanye West is an ASSHOLE.
A disrespectful, self-centered douchebag who thinks he can do anything because “Fuck it, he’s famous!”
September 20th, 2009 at 7:17 am
“The Birth Certificate would prove where he was born, a Certificate of Live Birth just proves he was born.”
… and wouldn’t this have a place of birth on it? “Obama was born… somewhere. See birth certificate”. Seems like a useless document if it didn’t. “Hey, were you born? Show me your certificate”, “… umm… I really hope your kidding”.
And DOB, please continue this …history. I have a feeling that both sides of the US gov and the media could get even more stupid.
September 20th, 2009 at 7:08 am
This is totally biased against borderline retarded people.
September 20th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Cracked censors posts.
September 20th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Obama is ghey!
September 20th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Okay, whoever is whining about this article should seriously kill themselves right now.
It’s satire, and that’s what makes it so funny. If you cannot grasp satire, then cracked.com is definitely not the site to visit for you. Try failblog.org or some other site for dimwitted people…
September 20th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Is everyone serious? This was a massively satirical joke at the expense of the hilarity of the Kanye-Obama situation.
Half of you should learn to calm down about the perceived bias -its a joke people, not serious- and the other 49% of you should get over how much you hate America.
Yes, it has flaws, but seriously, how’re you helping by bitching in a comment on a joke?
No bias here though, I’m British.
And for those of you who got that its a joke (that 1% of us) well, it was actually pretty damn funny.
September 20th, 2009 at 3:22 am
I hope everyone that got offended by this article and bitched about it gets a lead injection
September 19th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
This would be so much better, if it was kept neutral!! No bias.
September 19th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
This would have been a lot funnier if it wasn’t politically biased. No matter which way you swing it, it always makes something less fun.
September 19th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Someone made a WDKOIACSHE group on facebook… Could this be the beginning?
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=135748144307
September 19th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
“And now everyone gets offended and self righteous. A+ loved the story.”
I agree with you. It’s just a joke, but people are using this opportunity to either bitch about Obama or bitch about how evil and uneducated America is. Seriously, this is a website based off a magazine based off another magazine. Laugh and take your political squabbles somewhere else.
September 19th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
yeah erasing electricity is a bit much, they’d probably stop at just abolishing education.
September 19th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
well, all i can say about his paper work is if there is nothing to hide, then let it all hang out !
September 19th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Yo DOB I’mma letchoo finish in a minnit, but for real people Seanbaby is the greatest Cracked.com columnist on the internet for real!
September 19th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Excellent work, DOB. The entire post (including the Chapter 7 title) cracked me up.
September 19th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
I was with you until the chapter seven title. To that end I politely have to ask you to suck a toaster.
September 19th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
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September 19th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
hilarious……funny how some of the “most liberal free thinkers ” in this country i have served for ten years seem to be the ones with the least sense of humor. Totally amazing piece i think. For the rest of you sore losers, grow up and move outta your fenced in little green enclosures. Jesus Christ, can’t a man make a joke any more? By the way, I’m black and I thought this piece was hilarious. Most o’ y’all I assume are NOT black. Or Kanye. Or Charlie Sheen. Or ANYFUCKIN BODY but a pathetic excuse of a human being surfing the web for hours a day looking for love or hope or whatever the hell it is you do. WAY TO GO DOB!!!! So shut up. Please and thank you. Come out here to Afghanistan, pussies, and spew your half-baked dumboloque. See how funny the natives - and us - really think you are. CJDaMocha - right on, brah….
September 19th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
mo, im pretty sure our political right does hate us. they are opposed to any change no matter how good it is because they feel that having any sort of government involvement in our lives is too much government. which leads me to believe that they are basically anarchists. yknow, just cuz if we have anarchy there wont be any government in our lives.
so. no government at all? sounds good to me. next time i have a health issue ill just get my free health insurance by letting the doctor live i guess. its not like itll be illegal after all. if theres no government, then nothings illegal!
September 19th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
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September 19th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
I’m pretty sure the history books will say that Obama is the new black.
September 19th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
So…where do I get the uncensored pic of Dan O’brien on the crapper, dude is a fuggin hottie.
September 19th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
DOB when you write like this, you rekindle my hopes for intelligent satire in the future. THIS IS THE AWESOME STUFF.
And while I know you’ll probably go back to dick jokes next week, the occasional article like this is what keeps me coming back to this website.
September 19th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
“Thoughtful Americans across the country felt tremendous shame for simply being alive while these events occurred.” Not just Americans.
September 19th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I see where this can be a huge topic. Myself I think obama is addressing plenty of the nations issues. To many people focus on the fact he is african american and not on the fact that he is a good man, decent, intelligent and I myself think he will do great things for our country. I do not care who you are, what color you are, or where you came from. As long as you know what you are talking about, know what changes need to be made, and do not get caught up in all the political hype then things will go great.
September 19th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
From a Euopean point of view: it’s amazing how a people can not want socialized health insurance. And people who call people who want that uninfomed are the most ridiculous thing I read in weeks.
Does your political right hate America?
September 19th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
This was actually a pretty well written text book if you ask me lol.
September 19th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Hilarious!
September 19th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Blah BlahBlah Blah boo boo boo WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH/
I believe this article is pointed and humorous.
September 19th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Oh, for God’s sake.
Here’s what future history textbooks will say about Obama’s ‘09: he got inaugurated and then began flailing helplessly when he realized he actually had to govern. People began to realize what an empty suit he was. His thuggish associates began to flame out around him. Only his media allies clung desperately to him, as they had long since mortgaged all their credibility getting him elected.
September 19th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
loved the chapter 7 title, this was really funny, thanks.
September 19th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Mr. O’Brien, I assure you your only competition is yourself.
Absolutely brilliant.
“Meanwhile, thoughtful Americans across the country felt tremendous shame for simply being alive while these events happened.”
September 19th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I’ve noticed some anonymous commenters think their opinion matters.
September 19th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Took my joke for uninventing electricity. I, of course, have no proof of this, just putting it out there.
September 19th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
unfunny
September 19th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
@ the fucktards taking this waaay too seriously:
Shut the fuck up, no one here gives a shit what you think of Obama, see this article for what it is (a joke and and huge “Fuck you” to the dumbass media who blow stupid insignificant shit out of proportion), and stop pissing your pants because you feel DOB has wronged you somehow by giving us this fine piece of humor.
September 19th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Ha-ha-ha…I so have to read Chapter 7 now, I gotta find how this all turns out!!! Brought up some good points, had a couple of laughs on both side’s expense. Great article.
September 19th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
who are you to diagnose Kayne? Yes, he’s a loser but don’t go running around acting like you’re a psychiatrist.
September 19th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
And now everyone gets offended and self righteous. A+ loved the story.
September 19th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
if you think kissing Obama’s ass will get you readers, stay on current course to lose this one.
September 19th, 2009 at 11:29 am
wow, you guys are retarded. Just saying.
September 19th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I actually this was pretty funny, and I’m not even a democrat. ^^
September 19th, 2009 at 11:07 am
wow, some people can’t take a joke… seriously guys, did you open an article written by Dan O’Brien thinking that it would be a completely serious political commentary?
my advice is that you log off, go find your sense of humour and come back to read it again, the laugh your ass off and realise that while it may have some basis in current affairs it’s a joke, and a funny one at that
September 19th, 2009 at 10:28 am
“The Birth Certificate would prove where he was born, a Certificate of Live Birth just proves he was born.”
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
http://simmerdown3.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/barack-obama-birth-certificate_472×460.jpg
Do you see that there? ‘State of Hawaii’? ‘CITY, TOWN, OR LOCATION OF BIRTH’? ‘ISLAND OF BIRTH’? Department of Health HAWAII U.S.A.? The fact that the certificate is in English, not Javanese or Luo or whatever bullshit is being made up now?
September 19th, 2009 at 10:17 am
DOB,
I expect this kind of shit from Cockway, but not from you. You can’t do a BAWWW, THE OTHER POLITICAL PARTY IS BEING MEAN TO MY POLITICAL PARTY piece and have it be funny. This doesn’t work for either liberals or conservatives.
Obama LOVES the birthers. He could release his original birth certificate, and that would shut about 70% of them up, because the most interesting thing about it is that his mother’s first name is Stanley. The reason that he’s not doing that is so assholes (like DOB) can keep portraying the birthers as the mainstream opposition to Obama. Most people who oppose him think he was born in Hawaii and not Kenya, is a Christian and not a Muslim, and is profoundly misguided in what is best for our country.
Seriously, dude, go back to dick jokes.
September 19th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Birth Certificate? I still haven’t seen one. We’ve got a “Certificate of Live Birth” which is NOT the same thing as a Birth Certificate. The Birth Certificate would prove where he was born, a Certificate of Live Birth just proves he was born.
I love how that fact just seems to get glossed over like the “birthers” got a perfectly good birth certificate but they just didn’t like it for some reason. If this person was an evil conservative would you be so incredulous at such a reasonable request? Since when did asking the President of the United States to his prove citizenship become an unreasonable question?
I love this site. I read it all the time. In fact, I come here to get away from the endless posturing and subtle ideology that is baked into seeming every news “story” I read. I come here to get away from all that. This piece has very little to do with comedy and more to do with giving us your “take” on the political environment.
Don’t flatter yourself and fall into the same trap as Hollywood. No one cares what you think about politics monkey boy, go write some more jokes for us. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.
September 19th, 2009 at 8:11 am
haha chapter 7 ’s title brought the article to a whole new level
September 19th, 2009 at 6:53 am
write a textboook about this. i love it. seriously, at least do the next chapter!
September 19th, 2009 at 6:13 am
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September 19th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Gee, when I read “Age of Appeasement” I thought it was going to refer to the President appeasing and practically sucking off every tin pot dictator with the human rights policy of Joe Stalin.
September 19th, 2009 at 5:30 am
I have to agree with some of you. What this country is falling into is NOT socialism. Socialism is a system where the government controls all industry for the “benefit” of the populace. What we have here is Fascism. Fascism is where the Government allows a private enterprise to exist providing it produces the type of product the government wants. (i.e. fuel efficient cars or electricty that doesn’t require burning of coal) I know I’m oversimplifying but it seems a much better fit.
Hope that clears things up.
September 19th, 2009 at 5:07 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/history-texbook-from-the-future-holy-shit/ [...]
September 19th, 2009 at 5:02 am
@ Theodora: you are absolutely right, the problem with America is that every time congress proposes a bill everyone acts like we’re becoming a dictatorship (which they incorrectly refer to as socialism), they don’t seem to understand that putting forth bills is kinda what congress gets paid to do, also the only concern most people have is how they can make more money, they would gladly let others starve to death just so they could get a new car. I joined the US army because I thought it would give me a chance to do something for my country, but found out that even in the army, an organization where people are supposed to put their love for America and the American people before their own lives, people are still total douchebags. So, I personally think America should be more socialistic, since you can’t trust any of them to give a shit about everyone else.
September 19th, 2009 at 4:22 am
It would interesting to visit the U.S and take an American history text book just to figure out what in the world you guys are being taught in school about socialism.
It seems to me that your country’s politics are stuck in the turn of the century (maybe even the 18th century), where the individual’s rights were more important than American rights as a whole. Is there not a “third way” Americans, where the individual has all the rights bestowed upon them by their Declaration of Independence/Constitution and at the same time a way to help fellow Americans?
I understand your country developed in a midst of an argument about state vs federal rights, but for God’s sake that was relevant two hundred years ago. There are Americans who cannot get a basic education/health care which, to us living in Social Democracies, looks rather foolish. I don’t mind paying extra taxes if it means I can walk around anywhere in my city and not worry about being robbed/shot because of social inequalities. I can walk around in my city and not once walk through a section that is literally decaying, falling apart. Poor people (I am not saying poor people equate criminals, but being poor creates a situation where there is an increased chance of becoming a criminal)arent poor because of Victorian era beliefs like they suffer some moral failing, they’re poor because they were born into a bad situation. They are poor because of social problems.
Maybe you deal with poor people by moving into ‘burbs, out of sight out of mind…yet those ghettos are still in America, Americans, even “middle-class” ones cannot afford health care, why, why, why do you have such a problem with helping each other out? You are all Americans!!
September 19th, 2009 at 4:04 am
.
September 19th, 2009 at 3:06 am
I have to say, all the bitching and moaning about “socialism” really, really amuses me, and I think a lot of it goes back to @CohibaMan (who is now my new hero for being succinct, erudite, and not devolving into name-calling on the internets)’s point of “dog-whistle politics”. I’ve lived with a conservative all my life. I was a conservative up until I moved out of my parents’ house three years ago and began to watch things other than Fox News and listening to people other than Rush Limbaugh.
My father is a racist. There’s no beating around the bush here- some of the horrible, ignorant, hateful things directed towards African-Americans that I have heard come out of his mouth make my stomach turn (when I was a child I was actually told to avoid people of color because they were ‘dangerous’ and that they were all ‘thugs’)- yet he complains that, whenever the subject of race in politics comes up, it is the “liberal left” in this country that are actually the racists. This baffles me, because they are the ones that present things like a video of a white kid getting beat up on a bus and saying “this is what happens in Obama’s America”. Now, I’m young enough to remember being on school buses. People get beat up- it happens. As a young girl, I was regularly beat up by a group of guys. Not once did I say that this was what happened in “a man’s America”. It’s just kids being kids. A similar thing happened with my equally ignorant cousin on Facebook a few weeks ago. I posted something about being embarrassed for Rod Blagojevich because of his terrible Elvis impersonation, and he posted that he was “embarrassed for his state because they have Gov. Duval Patrick- almost as bad as his buddy Baracko.”
I was quite confused by this, because not only were we not talking about Massachusetts or the presidency except peripherally, and a particularly angry liberal on my friends list posted back “Why, because they’re both black and therefore in the ’secret black club’? Yes, they send messages back and forth through rap music. I’ll bet you thought it was noise!” My cousin was actually and honestly confused why we suddenly thought this was about race.
The same thing applies here, I think. People like my cousin and my father (people who don’t bother to read, watch, or listen to anything except Fox News and the like, citing it all as ‘liberal bullshit’) are afraid of a “government takeover” because of the dog-whistle politics they are spoon-fed every day. For example: Illegal immigration is terrible! We should put a cap on it because otherwise the Hispanics are going to take over the country and take all our medicare and our social security! It confuses me even more because I am from an almost entirely Irish family: a group of people who went through similar issues with immigration during the Great Potato Famine.
My father has been pushing me to find another insurer lately so he can drop our current insurance and go on Medicare, yet he violently opposes the healthcare bill as a “government takeover” and “socialist”. I should also mention that both he and my mother are on social security and he was in the army- both government-run institutions, yet because they were instituted while a ‘non-threatening’ person (a white male) was president, it’s perfectly okay. You would think, as a guy who was rejected from several insurance companies because of pre-existing conditions before being forced to spend seven hundred dollars a month on BCBS to cover himself and his family would support a lower-cost option.
Anyway. It’s early, and I’m rambling. What I’m trying to say is: if public health care = a government takeover in progress, why didn’t things like social security? Or medicare (this one in particular- I’ve heard people tell me ‘I don’t want the government in my medicare’)? Or the interstate system? Or even the FBI: that didn’t cause the federal government to completely take over police departments, now did it? No. The FBI only gets involved in local cases under certain circumstances. Should we have private sector fire departments? How about police stations? Roads? State and national parks?
September 19th, 2009 at 1:22 am
if you pay any attention to how history is actually published, you will see that the truth written is almost never the actual truth…
on that note, I would like to mention that Elliot Kay invented the multiple orgasm and owns rights to the hover board and hiccuping.
September 19th, 2009 at 12:41 am
I love how in the same breath, Xander guy asks what the difference between Socialism and National Socialism is, meaning he has /no/ idea what it is, and then finishes by saying he he’s against it.
It makes you stop and wonder if “WDKOIACSHE” was a joke or not. (If it wasn’t, Xander’s a member)
September 19th, 2009 at 12:13 am
The last image on page 2 of this report is not admissable as proof that Obama is not a witch. Everyone knows that witches must be tested for by weighing against a duck! It’s simple logic! What the fuck does a metal bound bible have to do with SCIENCE!?
September 19th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Your best work yet, DOB. And you managed to do it without any dick jokes.
September 19th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Cohibaman, don’t get scared…. but I think I love you. Its so awesome to see someone arguing from an objective point of view and listening to arguments from both sides. Keep it up, man. America needs more people like you.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
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September 18th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Simply put, this is the greatest article ever to be placed on Cracked. You sir should be presented with a crown made of blow jobs.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Chapter 7 sounds interesting
September 18th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
this article has made me officially love you…. but at the same time made me hate politics even more… damn you.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I have never forwarded a political article to anyone or posted a political link on facebook or anything of the sort. I think it is akin to shoving my opinion into the faces of people who didn’t ask (except lazier).
But this article…. I just feel COMPELLED to spread the word. Damn you to hell for making me betray my beliefs like this.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Okay, that very last line is what really made me laugh: that a Palin/Limbaugh administration would be of enough combined stupidity that electricity could become “uninvented”. I laughed at that for a long time.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
you sycophantic suckdogs
September 18th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
@ CohibaMan
Very impressive answer but I will try and argue a few points
First though let me say arguing about definitions gets very useless in political definitions because in any other fields definitions are used to simplify concepts while in politics words will be used and twisted to achieve political ends and not stand by their exact meaning. The very tricky word liberalism is a great example of a fickle definition
I think the best way to think about socialism would be to link it with the idea of collectivism and the idea of social unity. This makes sense because Marx originally saw socialism as merely a transitive stage where the workers would overthrow all the trappings of capitalism and become the stateless classless society of pure communism. The idea was a unity of purpose and humanity in the workers would lead to this social goal.
Thus in context this makes sense with the rampant collectivism inherent in facism and thus National Socialism, the idea of a collective nation acting as one.
However this definition gets complicated when moderates started standing up for the lower class (similar to Marx) but did not want to go as far as him. Furthermore many of their ideas of perserving individual political and social liberty in the midst of economic controls contrasted with true collectivism (though in my opinion such efforts are pointless and liberty cannot be sacrificed in one sphere and perserved in another).
This gets down to what do we do from here. As far as I see it there are three reasonable distinctions;
Democratic socialism -essentially moderate communism with the emphasis of peaceful democratic means, more economic equality, government regulation while still keeping social liberties. This is very common in Europe and to a much lesser extent what the Left of today represent. The iffy point is the extent and how big and equalizing you want the government to be. Its hard to say a magic number of government size but generally i would say if you want the government to be larger than 35% of GDP and follow those generally principles you are likely a democratic socialist.
Communism- Stateless classless society with no private property. Essentially dead in modern politics.
Facism- Strong sense of collectivism with a focus on nationalism and an ingrained hierarchy (as opposed to any equality). The idea is that a nation is like a human body
I hope this added some insight or at the very least gave one person a little more info. Admittedly alot of this is the way I see things and make sense to me. Feel free to respond with counterpoints or anything else you feel is relevant.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Fuck Obama.
Fuck Bush Jr.
Fuck Clinton.
Fuck Bush Sr.
Fuck Reagan.
Fuck Carter.
Fuck Ford.
Fuck Nixon.
Fuck Johnson.
RIP Kennedy.
RIP Eisenhower.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
OoooKKkkkk This is a little ridiculous I mean come on people this is a HUMOR web site not a place for you to bash one another over your Hippie Liberal Views or Red-necked Bible thumping IQ of a turnip views. Its a JOKE lighten up America!
September 18th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
except for how FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE
September 18th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
BTW DOB genius
September 18th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
@CohibaMan
Biggest problem with socialism and democracy, mob rule. you failed to acknowledge that.
When the people find that they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic.
-Ben Franklin
Good thing we live in a republic, huh? When are you CNN/Fox News fanboys gonna stop calling this country a democracy? it never was, never should be.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
fuck fuck fuck i havent evenr ead anybody elsesle comment BTW
September 18th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
i still ahvent read it and just took another shot of hornitos. have you tried the aNEejo try the fucking anejo. i am not kidiing.
listen.
obama is not out for what is best for YOU.
he is out for what is bets for HIM.
he will say fuck you at a moments notice.
he will tell you to eat shit on a dime.
get real.
try to think about what would happen if you met this guy at a diner.
tell me something different.
one leg/one at time.
work/eat/shit/sleep
ask him and i’ll bet he’ll tell ya’ that’s just fine.
just don’t pray to god or your own individual god/creator/self given motherfucking talent/intelligence/ability
September 18th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
idiots. you are all completely missing the point.
look. i havent’ even read this article yet.in fact, i dont even wan’t to read it. i am so fucking drunk. but my ayes arent’r blurry. my head is pretty fuzzy.
open your eyes and eat a dick.
or keep them closed. either way you will be eating the giant government dong. and the guys with the eyes closed are probably enjoying it the most. except for the guys with the eyes closed and the asses open.
half of you don’t even know the diiference between classical and modern and the other half don’t know but probably think you do. and then the other half are probably thinking they know more than anyone could begin to tell them but then again they might consider any idea.
fuck all of you.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
@CohibaMan:
that was the most amazingly eloquent and educated thing i have read in any comment section. succinct, erudite and unbiased.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
First, this is a comment page not a forum. Second, the enemy isn’t Democrat or Republican, it’s anyone of any political stripe who can’t openly admit that their side has difficulties and makes mistakes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies
RIP Ted Kennedy, without you the USA is totally fucked.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
so many different views of socialism……but it all boils down to the same thing, big government. Some people may say there are tons and tons of forms of it, and be that as it may, the same can be said about any political philosophy, it’s all very unreliable. there are so many different out looks of left and right wing, but, like socialism, they are all based on the same values. people often change the name of their beliefs to appease those who oppose them, or make their beliefs, like socialism, sound less extreme. there fore, national socialism, and just plain socialism are the same, one is just named differently to seem less extreme.
@Sevvy
“Hey Xander, you should be more of an uptight cunt about something that was written to be light-hearted humor.”
ooh, calling me an “uptight Cunt?” classic liberal response…..insult, no facts. Therefore I will ignore this biting wit.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
God you leftists are dumb. let me let you in on two important facts regarding the “Birther” controversy
1. The state of Hawaii color-codes birth certificates by year, and the certificate Obama and his supporters have publicised is the WRONG color for the year he was born. which means it is not only fake, but it is an insultingly bad fake.
2. THE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT POINT! : even if Obama wasn’t born in America, his mother was a US citizen, which means he is legally qualified to be president
He and his supporters don’t release his real birth certificate for one of two reasons
A. Admitting the truth now would make them look stupid after lieing for so long.
OR B. They don’t know that he doesn’t have to have been born in America.
perhaps one of his many supporters now swarming the board could tell us which one.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Didn’t know charlie shee gets a bigger check than House. Two and a half men have better ratings so it’s not really a surprise. I like two and a half men so maybe I’m not the one to judge.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
@CohibaMan:
Awesome comment. Unfortunately, as we know from DOB’s scanned book pages, socialism means nothing in the future. This might be a small step up from “everyone thinks they know what socialism is”.
Steve
September 18th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
That was awesome.
Normally I don’t have the attention span for anything outside of the lists or passive video watching.
I just wanted to give my appreciation on the insight, wit, and general quality of this piece.
Congratulations.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
well, i’m normally a huge DOB fan, and i know this is just a comedy peace, but i can’t help but feel a little annoyed when the entire half of the country who has honest disagreements with Obama gets lumped in together with the crazy, extreme right wingers. eh, maybe it’s not even the article so much as the comments section. speaking of which…
@cannedfury: fuck you.
sure, Obama’s had some scrunity to an absurd level. so did bush. so did clinton. they all do. it’s going to happen to either side no matter what, so i don’t understand why people have to go apeshit when Obama is questioned, and then take that questioning to mean that EVERYONE opposed to him is a racist (looking at you, carter and cosby).
September 18th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Thanks for a good laugh, even though it also made me more than a little depressed about the state of affairs at the same time ;P
September 18th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
@Xander
“Could someone explain the difference between socialism and national socialism (in a way that isn’t complete B.S.) ? I’m sorry, I just don’t see the difference, it’s all socialism for goodness sakes! You can make up any difference you want, but I won’t buy it, it is the same.”
I’ll do my best.
First off, socialism is not a monolithic point of view. Within that which is generally understood to be socialism, you have Social Democracy, Democratic Socialism, Marxist-Leninism, Maoism, Third-World Maoism, Juche, Trotskyism, and a host of other views. They differ with each other on many issues which I’m not going to lay out here. What they generally hold in common, however, is their internationalist approach. In the end, they believe that everything comes down to being a united class struggle between workers and the upper classes. At the end of the day, socialists want to see worker ownership over all aspects of society. This ownership is to be exercised by democratic means through the government. (Before people start jumping on me, I’m well aware that it has not always worked like that in practice. Most socialists, however, will tell you honestly that they believe in democracy - so much so that they want to see the democratization of industry and the economy)
National Socialism is actually a misnomer. Hitler and the Nazis basically took the international workers’ struggle and turned it into its exact opposite. While Socialists focus upon Workers, National Socialists focused on the “Volk” - basically the Aryan German people and their racial characteristics. Where socialists saw a necessary class struggle, Hitler sought class cooperation between the upper classes and the working classes… at gun point, if necessary. The Nazis aimed their “Struggle” against the Jews, whom they claimed were the real rulers of society. Where most socialists see imperialistic nationalism as a thing to be shunned and fought against, Hitler and the Nazis embraced it and made it their rallying call.
To put an even finer point on it, the philosophical pinning behind traditional socialism and national socialism are diametrically opposed. Traditional Socialism, as embodied by Marx, was rooted in Dialectical Materialism while National Socialism (and Fascism in general) was rooted in Hegelian Idealism. For the sake of space I’m not going to go into those here but they are concepts worth checking out if the differences really interest you. There are a lot more to socialism and national socialism than simple “big government.”
As a closing note, I will repeat a point that I made earlier, namely that it is a mistake to equate socialists with the political left in this country and to equate national socialists and fascists to the political right. Both the left and right in this country represent a philosophy known as classical liberalism. Both sides embrace capitalism - the right leans towards laissez-faire capitalism and the left leans towards mixed sector capitalism. Socialism was formulated as a response to all-shades of classical liberalism, including that which is advocated by the left in the US today. National socialism and fascism were formulated as a response to socialism and have traditionally considered themselves a “Third Way”, not to be identified with the left nor the right.
I hope that clears up at least a few questions you might have had.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Once again, somebody focuses on the fringe of the opposition and is going to whip all the lefties into a circle jerk. Anyway, let’s all remember how crazy Bush’s opposition could be at times. The fringe of any party is fucking ridiculous, but most conservatives don’t care about Obama’s birth certificate. After 8 years of what Bush faced, I don’t want to hear any democrat boo hoo ever again.
Madonna made a music video in which she throws a grenade into George Bush’s lap.
At an anti war protest, protesters who call themselves socialists (vocally supporting the violent overthrow of the nation and the violent removal of private property) march burning flags and effigies.
At one protest, protesters say that Bush should have been hanged in the same manner as saddam.
Eminem: “I don’t care about dead presidents, I would rather see the president dead.”
I could go on and on, but it’s gonna be a long night.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Obama scary! Obama make sun go away! Why nobody remember Bush save America and economy from Clinton??? Black devil eat our babies and nazi our death panels! Ooga ooga rabble ooga worst president!
Great article, by the way.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
That sir, was absolutely fucking awesome. Socially degenerative your drinking habits may be, but your take on Obama’s presidency and the decline of America is on point.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Dammit, now all i want to do is read chapter 7
September 18th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Socialism=Government control of nearly all corporations and institutions.
National Socialism=Government control of all corporations and institutions, heavy emphasis on the superiority of your nation over all others, generally used to whip the nation into being aggressive towards outsiders.
Nationalism itself ran the gamut during the years in between the World Wars, and nearly every major nation saw one form of nationalism or the other-The United States saw it with our intense Patriotism and the beginnings of our claim to “World Superpower”, Hitler rode his nation’s self-loathing and pride to power and corruption, Mussolini rode his nation’s patriotism to a grand scale of pompousness.
“Regular” Socialism is more closely exhibited by modern-day Europe, Canada, and Cuba(way more socialist than communism).
In communism, there is no personal wealth, property, opportunity to rise. In a socialist society, everyone has an opportunity to do what they want, but the government is ultimately in control.
Bush’s administration kowtowing to corporations and passage of the Patriot Act to spy on Americans pretty much as openly as he wanted and the limiting of our rights was more closely connected to National Socialism than “Government-run Health Care”(not even what Obama proposed, would bring the current system to.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
At my earlier comment, I meant to say there are no REAL Czars in the government. Look up the definition and see if it applies to any of the so called “Czars”you morons keep whining about. And by the way, EVERY President has to have policy advisors of some sort. You can’t be in charge of AND know everything about every single government department by yourself. That’s what advisors are for. And since every department has a different name, it’s just easier to label the guy in charge “Czar”. Enough said.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Without wanting to get tied up in debate again…
@Muad
No. Just… no.
“Czar” is not an official title within the US government. It’s a nickname given to certain presidential advisers and directors.
Presidents, both Democrat and Republican, have appointed these figures for a while now. They are legitimate extensions of the Executive Branch of our government.
There is substantive issues on which you can disagree with the president, as others on this thread have shown. This really isn’t one of them.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I absolutely love it, and I can’t imagine that anyone could have written an article about Obama that could mange to be more reasonable than this while still being funny, especially the “Oh. Oh, fuck me” part. Also, I love that you made fun of Charlie Sheen’s lack of anything besides a brain stem rather than Kanye’s more obviously ridiculous antics. Kanye has made himself into such a big target, you don’t even have to try anymore. There’s no challenge in it. The man is a walking parody.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
@Muad
Your total ignorance of the entire Czar bullshit astounds me. Do you realize it’s just a term the media used because they didn’t want to bother saying a title like “Director of National Drug Control Policy”? “Drug Czar” is just easier to say, isn’t it?
There are NO Czars in the government and there has never been any, you idiot. Hell, the Bush Administration had over 30 “Czars” itself. FDR hired a “Rubber Czar”during WW2 to make sure we had enough for the war! Look it up!
Czar is just a lazy term for any given Presidential advisor position. Please stop breathing through your fucking mouth and actually read up on shit before you comment on it.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Xander, I feel like I have to ask: if you openly admit any argument about the difference between national socialism and ‘regular-type’ socialism will be rejected outright, what incentive is there to illustrate the difference?
And in Obama’s defense, he’s had less than a year to screw things up. Bush had four under his belt before the real shit-talk began. Patience, young padawan.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
i just about had a heart attack over the blantant racism throughout this topic
the comment section’s no better
September 18th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Hey Xander, you should be more of an uptight cunt about something that was written to be light-hearted humor.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
wow…..although this had some comedy to it, it is overall dumb, all I got from it was making Obama a victim to the questioning right wing. I sure as hell didn’t see anything like this addressing the crap Bush had to deal with, and I guarantee that he got way more crap than obama has, or probably ever will.
P.S.
Could someone explain the difference between socialism and national socialism (in a way that isn’t complete B.S.) ? I’m sorry, I just don’t see the difference, it’s all socialism for goodness sakes! You can make up any difference you want, but I won’t buy it, it is the same.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I’ll say it again; Anyone who thinks 9/11, the JFK assassination, or the Lunar Landings was a conspiracy is a FUCKING IDIOT and I hope you DIE from lack of oxygen to your brain. If you’re in the middle and aren’t sure what to think for some reason, let me suggest a few Cracked articles referring to those theories and how retarded they are. Or better yet, try using some common fucking sense. I swear it should be illegal to be that stupid.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
@James: Czar means emperor. And Obama is the first person to have different czars in charge of things. Not so subtle now is it?
Also, Charlie Sheen is an idiot.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Nothing about him being the antichrist? I’m dissapointed…
September 18th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I laughed until chapter 7. I also agree, there are some idiots that really need to shut up about athentucy, but that political dig at Palin/Limbaugh ruined the whole thing for me.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
FUCK YEH D.O.B! this is what i luv about you and cracked! no sides taken, you arnt liberal or republican or whatever! you make fun of everyone and THAT is what makes you AWESOME.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
SalMule:
The births and the truthers are not in the same boat. One conspiracy theory is much more believable than another. The idea that the U.S. gov’t orchestrated 9/11 and did this without any official noticing or throwing up a red flag (this would require at least ten thousand people to plan and execute) is preposterous.
On the other hand, Obama and a few Democratic insiders and a few families members hiding his real birth certificate is another story. I believe his grandmother said he was born in Kenya, did she not?
So even if both groups are wrong, the 9/11 truthers are MUCH more retarded.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I lost it at the “Are those his real arms?” and “How do we know he isn’t a cat?” parts. The picture of Obama as a cat-man blew my mind.
What’s sad though, is that I can kinda see it. I mean, where do we go after this latest “controversy” about the “czars”? I mean, do these people not realize that “czar” is just a nickname for a Secretary or Director of this-or-that, and that all Presidents have them, including Reagan and the Bushes.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
[...] What Future History Textbooks Will Write About Obama’s ‘09 Found 12 hours, 18 minutes ago When considering the plots of comedy movies, fellow Cracked columnist and comedy professor at Internet University Seanbaby advocates a policy of “Defending the Movie to Aliens,” whereby the ridiculously shitty nature of the movie is deconstructed and revealed in the process of having to explain it to an outsider. Similarly, when looking at the state of [...] From: http://www.cracked.com [...]
September 18th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
rofl Fudgsicle is a dumbass
September 18th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Some people consider socialism to be a good thing.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Wow, O’Brien. For once you did a not shitty article.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
I’m a sexy girl, looking for friends maybe love. I love to hang out and have a good time..not into drama of fake people.. So if you’re real and want to have a good time, why don’t you find me out at __MillionaireCupid.org__, I am waiting ya~
September 18th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
All I got to say is News4Liberals.com
September 18th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Fantastic article, and the utter idiotic clusterfuck in the comment section is a sight to behold.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Where is the part about Obama hiring known communists, tax cheats, etc? Granted, I agree about the “birthers” … they are just as retarded as the “truthers” (Charlie Sheen). I see somebody below tried saying Charlie Sheen has a good point. No, he doesn’t you lunatic.
Btw … true definition of socialism = Any of various theories or systems of social organization in which the means of producing and distributing goods is owned collectively or by a centralized government that often plans and controls the economy. This is from dictionary.com. (Hello, GM anybody?!?!?!). People often refer to socialism as what Obama is attempting to do with the healthcare reform. That’s not true, simply b/c no goddam reform bill, plan, or anything exists right now. But, Obama is continually seeking more gov’t control which is a shift toward a socialistic society. That, you cannot deny.
I love your non-political articles though.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Mr. O’Brien: If you could just provide some simple, clear proof of your status as an internet comedy writer, I believe you could circumvent the statute requiring a Masters degree in political science to legally make Charlie Sheen jokes.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
I love the title of chapter 7.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
TL;DR BIATCH
Let’s go smoke some blunts!
Naw just fuckin’ wid chu Date Of Birth that shit was off the chain hilarious! I was rollin’ on my beat up cum stained computer chair readin’ this shit! Hell yeah I beat Melvin Guillard!
September 18th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
This has to be *the* most intelligent piece of humor I’ve read on Cracked. Sometimes nerds *can* do humor, so rock on nerdiest Cracked writer
September 18th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
oh wow i didnt realize this was DOB; i usually skip that shit.
the ol’ bait n switch…
September 18th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
hey i’m as cynical as anyone else, but that was fucking hilarious.
subtlety at its finest.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I laughed a bit, but you should really actually read the arguments made by Charlie Sheen, instead of making yourself look foolish by assuming TV actors are basic trolls with clothing on.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Hear me laugh across the Atlantic - hahahahahahaha
September 18th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
The whole point of this was to show people that we need to stop being so retarded. Give the man a little breathing room. It’s not sympathizing nor praising him, he’s simply stating that we need to let him do his job instead of going over trivial bullshit all the time.
Great article. I laughed the entire time.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Lame. Once again, a comedy writer sides with Obama. Hey, how about treating Obama like you would a Republican president? Maybe you’d actually write something of value.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Wow, that was a long way to go for an xkcd reference down there.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
next
September 18th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
speaking of time management, i noticed he spent an inordinate amount of time involving himself in a racial, nepotistic confrontation between one of his african american buddies, who might also be borderline insane, and a police officer making the mistake of trying to enforce the law equally. He saved some time by not bothering to learn any of the facts surrounding the dispute before, during, or after publicly castigating this officer from the highest bully pulpit in the nation, but then squandered it when, instead of issuing an apology that might have made him break out in a rash (black president apologize to a white man? Preposterous!), he invited both parties to the White House for a beer-swilling hootnanny
September 18th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
SpuriousPrecedent-
tl; dr.
Oops, that’s not what I meant. What I meant to say is that I think you summarized the article beautifully.
I always get those two comments confused. Sorry about that.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
wow too funny. also really sad.
have you guys seen that one documentary on like nancy pelosi’s daughter that went and talked to a bunch of southerners? theyre all crazy.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Well, you know, usually the secret to good humor is to base it on something that is true. Hence “it’s funny because it’s true”. And this author has done a masterful job of observing those hidden truths and creating humor by bringing them to light.
Who among us has not noticed that Obama seems to be spending all of his time proving that he was born in this country? Don’t you find yourself thinking, “gee, it sure would be nice if Obama could talk about something else, maybe give a speech about health care or something.” But he never seems able to, does he?
I mean, remember that speech to Congress? Maybe he could have accomplished something if he could have spent that whole time repeating things he’s already said about healthcare reform and calling everybody who disagrees with him a liar. But instead, what did we get? Nothing but defensive talk about his birth certificate and his religious background.
And then of course his publicity tour will just have to be more of the same. Instead of regurgitating the exact same talking points as he travels from Leno to Letterman to the John Stewart Show to The View to Good Morning Toledo to Crazy Cat Lady’s Public Access Channel Talk Show in Scranton, PA, he’s going to have to use those appearances frantically explaining why he’s not actually Lenin reborn.
If only he were allowed to travel the world giving vapid speeches about how totally awesome Muslims are. But no. He’s stuck here in the country, forced to answer questions about his whereabouts during the WTC bombing of 1993.
Instead of addressing important topics, he spends day and night trying to release his long-form birth certificate. If only that were something he could do with the flick of a pen…
And the finale of this piece is simply a brilliant bit of observational humor. It plays off the fact, known by all enlightened people, that Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh are, due to their complete lack of liberal beliefs, extremely stupid. And how stupid are they, you ask? Why, they’re so stupid, that if they were in charge of the country, electricity would be “uninvented”! Get it!? Mr. O’Brien’s humor is so enormous, he has to invent new words to contain it.
This ingenious piece of wit will truly go down in the annals of history.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I don’t understand why those who disagree with Obama’s policies are crying foul. This article distroys Obama. In the future, people will not only doubt the president’s religion, nationality and legitimacy; they doubt he was every president! You guys should be loving this.
I mean, isn’t that the whole point of calling Obama a racist, Muslim, Nazi, communist, socialist usurper? And look– Palin, a REAL American and not some fake city-dwelling person-who-can-tan– is President. Isn’t that a dream come true?
September 18th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Obama is a least partially responsible for this situation. He ran his campaign so well he made himself into a freaking celebrity. And as we know, people LOVE to over-scrutinize the lives of celebrities and question every move they make.
I’m also worried that the guy is going to get SO much stuff done in his first year that he’ll have nothing to do for the next 3 years of his presidency and people will vote him out for making things TOO perfect.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Oh DOB. Whenever it seems you’ve regressed to writing “silly” articles all the time (though they are hilarious) you kick me in the head with a bit of satire and I fall in love with you[r writing] all over again. Indeed, I am ashamed to live in a country where even if I was a cavewoman I would still hear Obama/Kanye news within 3-5 business days.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I can’t decide whether to laugh about this or cry about this.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
who’s this obama fellow?
September 18th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Well… the thing is, Kelly… I mean, that’s a reasonable question. Not many people know this, as far as I’ve seen.
If we printed a bunch of money, money would be worthless because you could get it just anywhere, the same way rocks and grass and leaves are worthless because they’re all over the place. I’ve heard a few people wish that a meteor made of gold would fall or something so everyone could have some, but then the gold would be worthless because it would be everywhere. There is a /lot/ of money floating around in bills, yeah, but not enough to completely devalue it, though a few other countries have more valuable currency than us right now.
As to the debt thing… we’d have to basically hit ‘reset’ on the entire world. Our whole country is in enormous debt to other countries, so if we wiped our slate clean, they would never get their money, and they couldn’t pay off their debts, either… Logically speaking, it might seem like erasing all debt would be easiest, but it’s also understandable that no one really wants that. It would be like erasing part of history. Unfortunate as it is, we just have to ride it out and not worry about it too much, at least individually.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Absolute class. I shed tears reading this. As a Briton, it’s fantastic to stop self harming over our own political failings and laugh at someone else for a change.
Great work DOB.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I laughed so hard.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
The Age of entitlement… hahaha. Well, at least during the age of entitlement we can all earn free hamburgers on the internet. TGIF Fridays FTW…
http://wp.me/pvI6z-ac
September 18th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
@Kelly:
“Why can’t they just print a whole shitload of bills and pay everything off! Or why can’t we just forget about debts and wipe the slate clean!”
Really?? Are you actually retarded?? There has to be something of value backing up the physical printed money, otherwise the money is worth nothing. This is the reason that resessions/depressions happen, because of people (or in this case countries) spending money that they do not have.
As for debt, if someone owed you $1000 would you want it back? Now let’s take into account the whole amount of the US debt… All debts are owed to someone, you can’t just erase them. That’s why they are DEBTS.
Other than the retards in the comments section, this article was hilarious.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
my lord the comments are full of retarded ass people haha
great article dob keep up the good work!
September 18th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Horrifying how accurate this is, and very funny in its horrific accuracy
September 18th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
You betcha!
September 18th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
It’s funny because it’s true. I’m laughing through my bitter,bitter tears.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
The best thing Obama has done so far is call Kanye West an asshole. That’s good enough for me!!
September 18th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
*GRUMBLE GRUMBLE, POLITICAL DEBATE, FLAME WARS x100, ETC ETC*
Haha. The article was hilarious, I’m very impressed.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
God help us if Palin or Limbaugh ever get in the white house.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
first yall hate bush . we have congress and senators for checks and balances, but u want to blame one person, so, of course bush is the fall guy for all our countries mistakes. then u vote in a savior. well sadly after the first 10 months or so …nothing profound has happened. in fact , many still blame the previous dude. Perhaps the current pres has been given a glimpse of the “big n real” picture and is maybe thinking holy moly wtf do i do now just like all the previous pres’s when confronted with reality.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
I only laughed the laughter of the damned. Now I’m filled with a sinking sense of powerlessness.
Eli, eli, lama sabachthani?
September 18th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I thought that was great. It was laugh-out-loud funny, but it was great satire.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I mean really retarded. Wow.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Kelly. You are Retarded.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
loved the Roosevelt mention
September 18th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
holy freaking hell. Look at all the below comments on an article that appeared maybe 10 hours ago! I think a flame WAR and arguments over things that happened prior have even started.
Great article, lol
September 18th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
robert, i’m sorry it took you so little time to be a dick.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Seriously? Can’t we just enjoy an article?
September 18th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I’m sorry that took so much time to write to be that unfunny.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I’m a big time conservative and I don’t like barack obama but when the kanye west thing happened I just thought in the car “big deal” who cares? He just said what everyone else was thinking or saying. I mean its the truth so who cares. That’s not exactly what I call controversy.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
oh!! my bad, i mean he makes around 1000 a day, not 2000. sorry.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
” A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to to take everything you have.”
chew on that(:
September 18th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
ok he makes around 400,000 a year right?
so thats around…1095.89 a day.
i’m REAL glad he got to make 2000 bucks sitting around drinking a beer with a racist and disrespectful asshole.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
“Meanwhile, thoughtful Americans across the country felt tremendous shame for simply being alive while these events happened.”
It’s true, my brain has been weeping for quite some time now. This article was a perfect mixture of hilarious and soul-crushingly depressing.
Also, rafeefg, this article is making fun of Obama if nothing else, perhaps you should remove your head from your anus and learn how to read.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I think we need a big shake up. Something either devastating, or absolutely wonderful, but it has to change the world or the country. I wish someone would just change something. Another thing - I might be ignorant here, but I don’t know much about money. Why can’t they just print a whole shitload of bills and pay everything off! Or why can’t we just forget about debts and wipe the slate clean! Someday the U.S. will be heading for a crisis, and when you think about it, what if we all just said: fuck bills and taxes. They can’t put us all in jail. Although they could kill us. Fun times we’re in aren’t they.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
i thought this was real until i saw “-noted satirist, Daniel O’Brien” that could never happen.
oh, and this rockydragon person is insane, obviously.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
i mean rockydragon not the article
September 18th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
tl:dr
September 18th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Ok lets see what I can get done here
First I found the article very funny and witty with a nice ring of truth. However it is not politically biased either way. It makes fun of small minded people and their efforts to distract from serious politics. In addition it also makes fun a little of Obama for putting up with such efforts but also points out this isn’t what he would like to do. Finally it makes no comment over his leadership abilities merely saying he is unable to make use of them.
Second how did Hitler come into this? Must every blog follow Godwin’s law rigoursly? For the record he was socialist though such definitions vary (he was vigorously opposed to communism’s sense of equality but you cannot define someone based on their enemies or friends as we were allied with Soviet Russia for WWII. His political beliefs are rather unique and are best fashioned as a totalitarianian government based on heirarchy.
Third I grow weary of people accusing large organizations of hypocrisy. Some people seem to believe that say if one republican does something and another republican opposes it it means the the republican party is hypocritical which is clearly based on faulty logic.
Fourth Obama is a centrist and would not like to see a large government similar to most Americans. However the current fear is based that Democrats on a whole while skeptical of big government tend to trust corporations less. In addition congress tends to be more radical than presidents for a number of reasons and he has given them substantial discretion.
Thus its a legitimate fear (albeit not a major issue) that in order to achieve their goals of healthcare, environmental reform and many others they will accept the expansion of government. This is common and well known. For example despite his belief in liberty Thomas Jefferson expanded the federal government’s power in order to buy the Lousiana Purchase and ensure his dream of a rural America. If such a person fearful of big government would expand it so to accomplish his other goals it reasonable to expect someone without such intense fears would be willing to go farther.
However while an issue I fear both sides have dragged this speculative argument out to much. Too much of current debate is based on whether this will lead to socialism or not on both sides. This distracts from the far more important issue of whether the plan would actually be good for America.
One final note, this is generally my opinion here. I believe that while efforts at reform are serious on both sides I believe the democrats are more interested in expanding healthcare now then the more difficult and long term solution of reform and cost cutting.
While insurance companies will screw you to make a buck so will most people and other corporations. Subway would love nothing more than to refuse to give you your food after you had paid for it but they don’t and we don’t need regulation to insure they don’t. If they did they would lose business and profit to competition from say Quiznos. Thus what we need is more competition in the insurance and healthcare industry to ensure fair practices and lower cost. Finally I believe that not buying insurance should be a realistic choice people make if they so desire and neither the current system nor the proposed system address this.
I apoligize for anything I missed or any mistakes I made my writing. The comment section has become very large and if I may say so too bloated. Feel free to disagree with me on many points as there are many avenues of reasonable disagreement but I tend to believe logic eliminates these to a small number with little variation i. e. extremism tends to use fanaicism and not cold policy.
-Summer Glau
P. S. Don’t forget to pick up the latest season of the Sarah Conner Chronicles!
September 18th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Fuck off Rafeefg. I fucking hate it when people say sheeple.
Seriously, fuck you.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
THIS COUNTRY WAS SO MUCH BETTER OFF BACK WHEN CHILD LABOR WAS LEGAL OR MAYBE WHEN MEDICINE CONTAINED HEROIN OR MAYBE WHEN THE US SPONSORED WARS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES OR MAYBE WHEN SLAVERY WAS LEGAL EITHER WHY PEOPLE ARE REALLY STUPID AND SHIT TODAY AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE I’M A RETARD WHO HAS ZERO PERSPECTIVE ON ANYTHING.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Y’know, I much rather prefer this “layman’s genius” narrative of DOB’s over his Confederacy of Dunces style improbable stories. They’re both entertaining but one has an ironic bubble-pipe sophistication to it you almost never get to see.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Yeah this article actually takes apart his administration so far, especially about the part where they question whether or not he was ever president (cause you know, he hasn’t done shit). Not to mention the extremely hilarious Pie Chart.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
“I think that AW’s point regarding the Patriot Act was that for all conservative talk regarding support for limited government, it was a conservative president who initiated what was perhaps the biggest increase of sheer government power in this nation’s history.”
Actually, all the PATRIOT Act really did was allow the exact same tools that were already used to investigate serial killings, racketeering and drug sales to be used to fight terrorism, too. It also removed some of the “wall” that prevented the FBI from giving info on international criminals to the CIA, and the CIA to give information on crimes committed on American soil to the FBI. It was precisely that lack of information-sharing that kept both agencies blind to 9/11 unti after the fact. One more thing: Bush was NO Conservative, except in some of his foreign policy. He was a big-government country-club Republican, and if I never hear the phrase “compassionate Conservatism” again it’ll be too soon. A Conservative would have secured our borders, for one thing, and NEVER signed TARP even with a gun to his head.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
*ducks to avoid shitstorm*
September 18th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
You forgot that part of the pie chart where Obama spends his time hiring and firing (communist) czars.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
genius frikkin excellent
September 18th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
rafeefg, you’re an ass.
He mentions the republican party ONCE at the end of the post. The only time he mentions race is when he says BLACK PEOPLE ASKED OBAMA TO PROVE HIS BLACKNESS.
Seriously, do you read the shit that’s actually on your screen or does your rabid ass mind just substitute bullshit for reality?
You know what? I’m being unfair, I wouldn’t be able to read with my head up my ass either.
It’s sweet that you can still type though.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Hitler was a form of socialist.
The idea behind fascism is that it blends the best qualities of both capitalist and socialist societies. The method for achieving this was to intimidate large businesses to essentially control the market without actually having a government takeover (technically). This was done to such an extent that nothing but a facade of capitalism remained. As it turns out, fascism is simply the government inciting class warfare in order to amass power. At any rate, the fact that Hitler headed a government that controlled the economy of that country makes him socialist. . . just not of the current European variety.
As far as the Nazi vow to destroy communism, that is the oldest trick in the dictatorial control book. Create an enemy where there is none, then use that enemy to stir up nationalism and distract the people from the poor social conditions. See: Argentina - Falklands, Hugo Chavez?
“We are at war with eastasia and we have always been at war with eastasia”
September 18th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Rafeefg- Did you actually read the article our just assume that because its about Obama that the article had a massive liberal bias. If anything it is critical of Obama for not getting anything done and being distracted by small shit, something that is 100% true. Next time try reading before speaking. I know its a hard skill, just work on it a little. (And yes there are sheeple on both sides but I guarantee that for each one of these posts which praise this article their are a hundred dumb asses who believe everything the Republicans say.)
September 18th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
If I wasn’t laughing I’d be crying.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
How the did all these mouth-breathing Freepers find their way over here? Shouldn’t you inbred idiots be off screwing your sisters while the Glenn Beck show plays in the background?
September 18th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Sigh… I wish this weren’t so spot-on. Excellent work, Dan. I laughed so hard, I cried.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
You left me flailing and almost asphyxiating from laughing so hard.
In the middle of a computer lab. Thanks, dude. Now I feel dumb.
(But my day is so much brighter.)
September 18th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Rafeefg, if this is making fun of that small group of people it is also making fun of Obama for putting up with their bullshit.
Your blind zealotry is depressing.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Rafeefg, this isn’t fucking CNN.com, it’s cracked. Can you read this, it’s CRACKED. Go bitch somewhere else where someone actually gives a damn.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I object!!!!! The article’s top pic is from The Onion!!! I don’t know if it counts as plagirism, but all the same, it pisses me the hell off!!!!!!!
September 18th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
This was great. Last night I wrote a fictional future wikipedia article about the facebook travesty ‘farmville’. Im thinking a whole futurepedia site might be a good comedic way to point out the ridiculous highlights of contemporary culture.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
It’s pretty ironic that the type of narcissistic, self-entitled “internet commentator” that the article is making fun of has taken over the comments section.
Shut the fuck up. The article was funny, it was focused on how stupid appeasing every nutjob shouting for a LONG-FORM Birth certificate that is LONG FORM is.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Dude, that happens to my anus all the time. I think it’s because the butt plug I use is too big.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Damn it, my anus is leaking again.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I am at loss for words. Really.
How do you breathe with your head so far up Obama’s ass?
This entire article is pretty much you going “AWW POOR OBAWMA” Highly exaggerating some claims by a small group of people, and making it seem as if the entire Republican party believes it. Tell me, do you get a massive erection every time you see Obama? You couldn’t have been more in the tank for him.
And then you’ve got many of the genius comments below made by idiotic sheeple who are so biased that they’ll look at a poorly photoshopped picture of Sarah Palin with a dunce cap on and say how it’s comedy gold.
Oh and nice job pulling the race card.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
This was a brilliant article–a great, biting commentary on America and our inane politics. The “We don’t know Obama isn’t a Cat Society” was funny as shit. Thanks!
September 18th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
WOW, well written and super funny!
September 18th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Cohibaman -
Awesome debate!
September 18th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@AW
I can totally see your point.
But, that was an extreme case. If you want to cite a good example of hypocrisy then how about Bush’s repeated statements of strengthening our borders and reducing the influx of illegal aliens… then he gives amnesty to 2 million of them here.
Ugghh….
September 18th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Nautius-
I have to admit, it’s kinda hilarious that links substantiating your point got moderated while these threads are full of spam messages containing links telling people where to hook up with wealthy, fat cougars. There’s something really wrong with this site.
I’ve had a great time debating you so I’m going to let your last post stand as the last word. I’ve gotta get going to prepare for a camping trip for this weekend… it’s fun having a debate when the discussion can remain civil.
Have a great weekend!
September 18th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Absolutely hilarious–best thing you’ve done since joining Cracked.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
“@Nautius
I think that AW’s point regarding the Patriot Act was that for all conservative talk regarding support for limited government, it was a conservative president who initiated what was perhaps the biggest increase of sheer government power in this nation’s history.
The argument isn’t that it’s bad or that it should be repealed, but that it happened under a proponent of limited government.”
Yeah, that was my point.
It gets annoying to hear one side condemning the actions of the other side as if they would never do the same. BOTH sides are guilty of it and for either one to call ‘foul’ on the other is hypocritical and in the end everyone just winds up looking/sounding stupid.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Obama wants to support people who can’t support themselves. Fuck those people.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@John
We’re cool. Later man.
@Cohibaman
3) Instead of getting a lawyer to fight an insurance claim that they don’t want to pay, you would be going up against the federal govt. if they decide not to cover something. Do you really want that kind of inflexibility. Look, all this can be solved through removing the state barriers of insurance companies and introducing tort reform to the rest of the states. Texas currently uses it and malpractice insurance costs have been significantly reduced. This also makes it more enticing to doctors to work in a state with lower insurance costs.
The reason Republicans are balking at the healthcare bill is there is just too much in there that allows for government take over. The way it’s written, it will drive costs up for employers to carry insurance and since it will be illegal not to have it, people will HAVE to use the public option. And you know that world class service you get at the post office and pretty much any other local, state and federal office? Yeah….
5) We have too many radical extremist enemies (Iran, N. Korea, Al Queda, etc…) who still want to see harm come to us to be messing around with our national defense.
9)There were links here. That’s why it was moderated. Just google Jeremiah Wright sermons… you’ll see.
No, he’s fairly incendiary. If a Republican candidate went to a church that preached this much divisiveness and animosity, the mainstream media would have buried them.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Nicely written, very entertaining.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
FloodOne -
Thanks, I appreciate that.
Nautius -
I didn’t read that comment at 11:51 until after I read your comment disowning it. If it makes you feel any better, it really didn’t strike me as the sort of thing you’d write.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Great, now I am being moderated because some jerk used my handle…
Thanks Cracked - top notch job on allowing duplicate handles.
Anyway, more to come Cohibaman…. as soon as it clears…
September 18th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Btw, that fake commenter was probably a fudge-packing fag.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
@Nautius
1) You make good points here and I think we are more in agreement than you might initially think. I will also add that, believe it or not, most liberals do not want to see the government tied up in finance or the automotive industry for the long haul. If the Democrats wear out their welcome in holding interest in those areas there will be defections to the Republican side over the issue. Time will tell.
2) Actually, I think we agree here more than you think too. It was pork, pork, pork, eggs, bacon, and pork. The spending part isn’t necessarily bad, though.
Our disagreement comes from Keynesian economic theory, which holds that spending is necessary in a contracted economy. That spending won’t come from the private sector as the private sector has every incentive to save its money when times are tight. Without public spending there would be inadequate capital in circulation in order for the economy to rebound. As I said before, this is the exact same reason President Reagan pushed to increase spending during the recession back during the early part of his presidency.
4) I can’t agree. We faced conditions similar to the ones you cite back when FDR took office. He increased public sector spending through government programs and actually stabilized the situation by around the mid-30s. Public spending is intended to revitalize the private sector.
For example, Bridges to Nowhere seem silly and like a waste of money, but they do provide a stimulus, however slight - contractors get paid to plan and build those bridges and suppliers make money from selling the resources that go into them. People get hired to do the jobs and, as a result, get paid money which they spend elsewhere, stimulating other companies. There is a stimulus, however slight.
As for competing against the financial markets of foreign nations, I would argue that finance and trade are not a zero sum games and therefore have to disagree with your premise.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Um, btw… I DID not post that comment at 11:51…
Someone who’s trying to silence opinion and honest debate made that comment in order to incite and debunk my ACTUAL statements.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:58 am
aaahhh. yes. excelent
September 18th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Oh, and the reason the Democrats want to get a couple of Republicans on board with their takeover of the health care system is that they know most Americans (83-85%) are satisfied with their health care and don’t want it screwed up. They want to be able to hide behind human shields, as it were. If they were serious about competition they would allow cross-state competition. If they were serious about lowering costs they would institute tort reform. But this is all about getting to control our lives, not “reform.”
September 18th, 2009 at 11:55 am
unless that was a joke. it may be, it seems crazy. if it is, apologies for overreacting.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:54 am
This may very well be the single best article I’ve read on this site. Witty, biting, relevant, and (as always) very very funny. Thank you DOB.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:54 am
DOB, you are my favorite person of all time. I’ll read an article you’ve written and I think “this is the best thing I’ve ever read”. Then, you post again and I think “now THIS is the best thing I’ve ever read”. Your awesomeness constantly amazes me.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:54 am
This is, by the way, also a man who has YET to prove whether he was born in America or that he is in fact a TRUE Christian.
what!? ok you almost convinced me you were legit. you’re a birther? he provided a birth certificate twice! and as far as christianity goes, i’m of the opinion that no leader can be a good christian, as good leading requires one to do things that no priest can honestly approve of.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:52 am
hahaha no, Nautilus, I’ve had enough for a while. It’s best in small doses, the 24 hour news cycle is killing us. (Though I’m surprised you included me, as I’ve apparently said nothing). Seriously though, I hope you read my last two posts, and haven’t taken anything personally. And i suppose i’m sorry for listing my points briefly, i don’t have time to go into depth with all of them. Take it easy.
(sorry about the pills comment, i don’t like people saying i’m not saying anything when i am.)
September 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am
This is, by the way, also a man who has YET to prove whether he was born in America or that he is in fact a TRUE Christian.
What with his blatant support of the ungodly homosexual agenda, it’s no wonder our country is in the gutter.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am
“Max Baucus, who could have just pushed it through with the Democratic majority in the committee like other committees had done, instead decided to extend that hand of bipartisanship which the right says doesn’t exist.”
These days, bipartisanship means “do it our way or else.” But why are we arguing about that? Neither of the two major political parties really believe in weak central government and powerful state governments, the way our Founders did.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:49 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYlZiWK2Iy8
Pretty funny Barney Frank video. Honestly, I wish all politicians, on both sides, would do shit like this more often.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:48 am
“@cavalierX. True, but nonetheless, very different. They are respectively on the left and right hand sides of the political spectrum. Too far to either side and bad things happen.”
Not at all. Collectivism — the State controlling the means of production and distribution from a powerful, centralised government — is completely left of center. The right-hand counterpart to that would be no centralised government whatsoever. All the collectivist ideologies I listed have the same basic theme of centralised control. We’ve been moving steadily towards the Left since the end of the Civil War, and far more rapidly since the New Deal.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:48 am
“…this time is also dubbed The Era Of The Internet Commenter.”
Ahhh.
Also, I demand W.D.K.O.I.A.C.S.H.E. bumper stickers. For serious.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:47 am
@CohibaMan
Great points man. Well thought out and intelligent responses.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Dan, post another political article so me, John, Cohibaman, Andy and a few others can mix it up again.
I LOVE POLITICS!!
September 18th, 2009 at 11:42 am
@Nautius
To address a few more of your points:
“3) A healthcare package that leaves medical decisions to the govt. and is going to cost just under a trillion to take care of 15-20 million Americans. In fact that’s about 890 THOUSAND MILLION dollars for less than 7% of Americans. WHICH BY THEY WAY, isn’t even HIS bill that HE promised to send to Congress in his speech last week.”
Ah, the Baucus Bill. It ended up different than what was initially proposed because it got shifted around in the Finance Committee. Why was it shifted? Because Max Baucus, who could have just pushed it through with the Democratic majority in the committee like other committees had done, instead decided to extend that hand of bipartisanship which the right says doesn’t exist. He formed a small committee made up of both sides which he hoped would be more palpable to conservatives. The result was a crappy bill that no one wants to support now.
As for Health Care itself, it’s not about the government getting the right to tell you what will and will not be treated. Advocates of a purely private system overlook the fact that insurance companies already do this. They deny an inordinate number of claims based upon the flimsiest rationalizations built around “pre-existing conditions” to people who paid good money for their coverage. They would ALREADY be doing it to old people if it weren’t for medicare and laws prohibiting that sort of thing.
The current system is also bankrupting ordinary Americans.
“5) His campaign promise to reduce our military while we still have troops on the ground.”
Military reduction involves more than simply cutting troops. It often involves modernizing weaponry so that less troops are actually needed, among many other factors. The goal there isn’t to reduce the degree to which our country is protected - the goal is to find ways to keep ourselves safe while reducing something which takes a huge chunk out of our budget.
Skipping ahead…
“9) 20 years of going to a church with a minister who did nothing but preach hate.”
Any proof that the man did nothing but preach hate? What I saw were statements made by the man that were twisted out of context. This gets into the dog whistle politics I talked about earlier… this stuff was hyped because it plays to latent fears on behalf of many white people that many blacks want to “pay them back” for abuses over the years.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:42 am
sigh. fine.
1.) i said that obama’s health care plan is not radical as it is less liberal than nixon’s, which had a public option.
2.) i said that obama is still in afghanistan, and has not pulled all troops out of iraq, which is the centrist path.
3.) i stated my belief that the bailouts were necessary, and the following regulations should have been expected.
4.) i have spoken about the intangibles reagan and kennedy had.
5.) i spoke about how conservative intellegista aren’t happy with the state of their party.
6.) i brought up popularity statistics, which you disagree with but are still points.
to other people i mentioned DKRs name, and how socialist being in hitlers parties name does not make him a socialist.
those are things. you are disregarding them because i was condescending, or maybe just to piss me off. you failed. take it easy, and don’t forget your pills.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:41 am
This is not only some of the funniest stuff I`ve read on Cracked.com, but also the hands down, best, most well-thought and well-constructed post I`ve ever had the pure joy of reading.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:40 am
I also have to say that this is about the least funny DOB article I’ve ever read. Maybe it’s differences in political views, but come on DOB, what happened to dick jokes and random interrogations?
September 18th, 2009 at 11:39 am
The sad sad thing is how authentic this article is. Without the sarcasm and curse words, that textbook thing seemed like it could really happen! I’ll use this article as a warning next time someone acts like a douche bag about something trivial of our president.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:37 am
@ Nautius
I was going to wait for your next response, but things are getting a little busier in the office. Anyway, I agree with a lot of what you said about unions. They have overreached (and this is coming from a guy whose parents are in the teachers union). I still think they’re necessary though, if only to preserve some of their interest. If they were just to disappear, all the benefits that make their low-paying jobs worthwhile would go up in smoke. And while I think pensions can be ridiculous, they shouldn’t just disappear. Just raise the required age and lower the percentage of salary paid out.
You’re correct in calling them another lobby (even if they do represent people more than they do businesses in the abstract). But until we’re ready to ban all lobbies, they can’t be banned.
Anyway, it was fun while it lasted. Seriously though, look up the health care plan Nixon proposed. It’s far to the left of Obamas. And if you think Obama is a radical, be happy we’re in America. I was abroad in Italy once (Berlusconi’s second term era), and staying with a guy who was an honest to god fascist. Mussolini poster in his room, beat up nazi helmet on his table. And one of his friends was an honest to god commie. Always wore a red scarf, registered with their party, yadda yadda. And they got a long a lot better than moderate (in the global sense) liberals and conservatives do in this country. Take care.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:36 am
I eated a poo once. There was a corn in it, and it sang to me. I cried and tld it my dad beat me with a hammer. The Poo laughed, and then exploded.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:36 am
I think asking the President what he thinks about Kanye West is ridiculous, but so is doing a commercial for a George Lopez talk show. Frankly I’m not sure what about that second part is worse for the nation, Obama doing commercials for tv shows or giving George Lopez a talk show. Anyway, it’s not just other people wasting Obama’s time, it’s also Obama wasting Obama’s time.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Sorry for using wikipedia… I got lazy.
/shrug
September 18th, 2009 at 11:35 am
@fudgsicle
Please don’t call Hitler right wing…
Per wikipedia…
“As a generic concept, National Socialism opposes capitalism, communism, democratic socialism and liberalism.[1] It may also oppose certain nations, ethnicities and other groups that are deemed to be enemies of the specific ethnicity to which it is applied.”
September 18th, 2009 at 11:33 am
@John
Cohibaman and I are debating points. You are not. In fact, I you really haven’t said much of anything.
@Cohibaman
Re:
1) Yes, the initial money was necessary. I resentfully AGREE with you. BUT, those salaries you speak of were for the insurance side of AIG that has mothing to do with the finance side and those executives you speak of make $1 (one dollar) salaries and depend on the bonuses as income. NOW, with that said, I am a proponent of capitalism (duh) and therefor believe that several of these companies who had their hands out should not have done so. It merely gives the impression that we are a welfare state. We are not! But, Obama did readily give money out with several strings attached. See my comments regarding unions.
2) I completely disagree. It was the porkiest-porky-pork thing have ever seen. And if there were Republicans that signed it, then shame on them.
4) I am sure you will agree as foriegn markets become stronger, we grow weaker by printing more money while in a recession and unemployment being so high. We will not remain competative if this continues.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:29 am
KAT - Both are correct, you’re a jackass.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:27 am
jesus FUCKING christ, Hitler was NOT a socialist.
National Socialism = Fascism = right wing =/= socialism.
The word “socialist” was in the name “national socialist” as a means to attract the vote of the working class. Hitler was completely right wing.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:21 am
@Elle
Mmmm, fresh meat.
Ok, unions had their place back at the turn of the century. They are obsolete now and are one of the causes for driving up the prices on manufactured goods. That’s one of the reasons why companies are shipping jobs overseas.
As to the greedy fatcats. Yes, someone needs to keep an eye on them. As whistle-blowers are becoming more prevalent and communication more “constant”, it’s easier to see what companies are doing without the necessity of unions.
Another point is, the unions have their agendas as well. As long as they remain in control, they are the determining/limiting factor in American prosperity. When a union advocates bloated salaries to line workers they are doing 2 things 1) driving cost up and 2) securing their necessity in the work place.
Let’s face it. Unions are nothing more than just another lobby group to influence politics. They are as corrupt as corrupt can be.
For example:
The AFL-CIO contributed millions to Obama’s campaign though their individual members so as not to be accused of campaign finance violations. They are also responsible for driving the costs up on American made vehicles. US car makers can’t compete with non-union overseas made cars. So, once Obama got elected, all thanks to the generous donations to his campaign by the unions, he turns around and gives partial ownership of GM and Chrysler to the unions. Bam! State and union run automaker.
If that isn’t Chicago politics at it’s finest, I don’t know what is.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Quite funny. I may not have the same political views as President Obama but I feel bad that he was down wind from the mouth farts that came from the “Birther’s”. I think the Kanye’s a jackass statement (which is totally true, and i believe he is retarded) may be the turning point away from DOB’s prophecy.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:20 am
daniel, can i call you dan? thanks. don’t listen to all the playa hatas. this was funny and smart. and funny. you diserve a pulitzer. or a girt certificate to target. either way, pat yourself on the back for writting such a good article. or crank one out.whatever u do to celibrate
September 18th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Oh, he’s gotten plenty done.
He’s turned two invasions into three, and he’s working on turning that into four.
Of course, I’m not counting all the other broken campaign promises as “doing something”. Sheesh. You already need a text book to keep those straight.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:15 am
FUNNY (and true) AS HELL!
MR. O’BRIEN, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN!
September 18th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Liberal trash.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:12 am
i did argue the points. i mentioned healthcare, taxes, the wars, reasons behind the bailout, statistics, etc. i guess you’re referring to me saying people like Cal Thomas don’t like your element in the party? i don’t see that as an insult. i haven’t called you stupid, i haven’t called you anything insensible like “cockfag” or something else that plagues forums, i haven’t called you a traitor or unamerican (which lots of conservatives, not saying you, have said about all liberals in the past).
look, you’re never actually going to actually debate anything. you said you don’t like obama because he’s liberal. you won’t listen to anything liberals say, you will just pick and choose what to address. i’m sorry if i insulted you, and you don’t have to worry about insulting me, i wouldn’t expect an apology. but i have brought up points.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:12 am
This comments section was really starting to depress me, but then I remembered how much influence internet commentators have on the democratic process, and I felt better.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:10 am
@Nautius,
Great response. I particularly enjoy when these discussions enter the realm of substance. For some strange and sick reason, I also always find it amusing when a number 8 gets bastardized into a guy wearing sunglasses. Gotta love the Internet.
“1) Govt take over of AIG, GM, Chrysler”
The bailouts occurred during both administrations. That is not a blast against President Bush for AIG… the bailouts were necessary.
If we didn’t bail out the financial sector the entire economy was going to collapse around us. Talk about bailing out the automobile industry was going on before President Obama took office; it wasn’t simply an idea that he just cooked up to grab power. Had that not gone through, it was very possible that we would lose a major sector of our economy. Yes, I understand that is the free market - the inefficient collapse and then the small and efficient take their place. The problem, though, is that it is difficult to start new companies in a period of economic contraction. It is also nearly impossible for small companies to fill that void when economic conditions don’t allow for business expansion. The result would have been millions more workers out of the job in a time when plenty of people are unemployed already.
The government exercises control over the companies not because leaders secretly desire a planned economy, but rather because it has an interest in keeping tabs on how tax dollars are used within those companies. Executives should not be receiving multi-million dollar bonuses for doing their jobs well when the only reason they have jobs is because the government bailed them out.
“2) Omnibus stimulus package that far exceeded anything we actually NEEDED. Seriously, have you seen some of the idiotic things included in that package??”
I’ve seen it, much of it is a waste of money. Part of the problem is that both Democrats and Republicans attached more pork to the bill than you’d find at a good ol’ fashioned weenie roast. I don’t think it’s a bad idea, however, to have money earmarked for stimulus at a time when the economy is contracting.
“4) Printing more money while in the midst of an economic crisis while owing trillions of dollars to foreign investors (China mainly).”
The majority of our debt is owed to the Federal Reserve Bank, as all money in our system is produced as a debt. China and others aren’t loaning us money so much as buying interest in those loans in order.
Contracting the money supply at a time when the economy is also contracting is extremely dangerous. It was, in fact, one of the reasons for the Great Depression being as bad as it was. When the same thing was happening back in ‘82 President Reagan also took out enormous loans because economists generally recognize that this is pretty much the only way to offset a shrinking economy. It worked then and it’s starting to work now.
That is also part of the reason why the government is currently focused on spending.
This post is getting way too long again so I’ll leave it at this for now.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Okay people, seriously….Hitler was NOT A FUCKING SOCIALIST. He hijacked the party but kept the word because socialism was a popular cause that people were rallying behind. Calling a party socialist while actually making fascist policy =/= socialist… it just means he’s lying.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:05 am
I think we all know who elected obama…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8
September 18th, 2009 at 11:05 am
This has inspired me to create a time-capsole. In it I will place a piece of paper stating my name social security number and fingerprints. Written on this paper will be my opinion on birthers, the Iraq war, Afghanistan and president Bush as well as Obama. I will open the capsule in 30 years and show them that i hated all of this crap going on and was one of the few sane people left. I suggest everyone hear do the same, it might honestly be the only way our kids will ever have any respect for us.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:05 am
@john
No… we were arguing points. If you want to be taken seriously, argue the points. Don’t make passing insults.
If you do, you can trade insults with some of the others in this thread that seem to excel at them.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Wow. People are actually commenting on this article as if it were scientific fact. It’s a joke people. Get a LIFE!!!
September 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
@cavalierX. True, but nonetheless, very different. They are respectively on the left and right hand sides of the political spectrum. Too far to either side and bad things happen.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
DOB if you ever post this liberal trash again I’m gonna get so mad that I’m gonna comment on it! And then what? Then what are you gonna fucking do? My opinions are going to be so valid that you’re gonna have to change your fucking mind! Suck my cock like you’re sucking Obama’s, you fag! Down with socialism
September 18th, 2009 at 10:59 am
@Nautius
Woah, woah, woah. You have a problem with the /unions/ supporting Obama’s campaign? I thought we got over this shit during the times of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. Unions are a necessary part of the goddamn workforce, as much of blue-collar America will tell you- without ‘em, what’s to keep the CEOs (who, let’s be honest, only want more money for themselves) from screwing over their employees royally?
September 18th, 2009 at 10:59 am
@ Nautilus
What? I’m sorry if I’m civil to you? Look, man, if you really want to make this personal, that’s fine. I don’t. I disagree with you, that’s all. So when someone is polite and says “take care,” don’t scoff, as internet arguments aren’t important.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:59 am
“Hitler hated socialists and communists”
They were rival Collectivist ideologies. Socialism, Naziism, Fascism, Marxism, Communism — they all just differ in the particular mechanism by which the State controls production and distribution.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@Jacob, based on your flawed logic you should enjoy the freedoms in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea
September 18th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I don’t know, look up your history instead of making word associations.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:55 am
so basically what you guys are saying is that the “National socialistic German worker party” wasn’t socialistic.
how could i have been so wrong.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:55 am
haha “a grunt to express dissatisfaction over something new and vaguely confusing” So true. As for the Babble below this comment. Both sides have very valid views and arguments. However calling eachother pussys and things gets us nowhere. Especially if you watch a completely yellow journalist like Bill O’Reilly. If you dissagree with that statement i am prefectly happy in showing you an example that completely 100% flips the meaning of something.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Mr. O’Brien,
Believe it or not, conservatives read your articles, too. There area actually a few right-wing gun toting Bible Belt citizens that get a charge out Cracked, Collegehumor, and Adult Swim. You are a hilarious writer, and I look forward to your weekly column. Please don’t become another Bill Mahr.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Jacob, you are wrong. That was simply a title. Hitler hated socialists and communists, and was in fact a fascist. Communist is all the way to the left, fascist all the way to the right.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:54 am
ignorance is also not reading between the lines. North Korea’s official name has the words Democratic and Republic in it. it is neither of those things. countries names don’t mean anything.
ok, so if someone believes in socialist policy, who isn’t a socialist? not old people, they love medicare. not the poor who use medicaid. not anyone who ever thinks they are going to take their social security checks. not farmers, who get subsidies, or anyone who has gone to public school. jesus, capitalism really is in danger.
i’m kidding. obviously. we are still thankfully the most capitalistic country on earth (no sarcasm there, checked capitalism is the best for of economy). my point is that a word in someones title does not make that person that thing, and believing in part of an ideal does not make you that thing. we all believe in some things conservative, some things liberal, some things capitalist, some things socialist. so no, hitler was not a socialist because his party was the national socialist party.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:54 am
@ Jacob,
It would do you good to learn the difference between socialism and national socialism, since they aren’t the same thing.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:54 am
You could if it has a completely different ideology and branded it that way
September 18th, 2009 at 10:52 am
zach:
of course. i forgot that when you don’t like things you just change the definition.
can i change what “Capitalism” means if i put “National” before it? that could be pretty handy.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:51 am
For a second I thought this article might actually have some humorous content. Instead, it turns out to be a waste of space pretending Obama has actually spent time answering the claims of what, about ten people in the whole country? Frankly, I wish he WOULD spend some time not dismantling our banking, auto and health care industries and replacing them with Soviet-style “influence-based” models.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:50 am
This article is fucking awesome and dead on. Excellent, excellent job. The “Did You Know” sections were great, also liked how you worked yourself in there as a noted internet satirist. You so crazy, DOB. Also, when DID this country turn into such a shithouse? It’s like America is made up of adults without the faintest idea of what being an adult even means.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:49 am
@John
Wow…
just… wow…
September 18th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Its called context. Certain words go around other words. Changes the definition. Nazism = National Socialism. That word with the N changes the definition so that it isn’t what the standard accepted definition of socialism is. Do some research.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Settle down geeks, you’re both idiots for arguing on comment posts and not on a forum or you know, somewhere that would stop your impotent rants.
Great article by the way…
September 18th, 2009 at 10:47 am
DOB - usually enjoy reading your stuff but have to admit I couldn’t get past the first chapter of this post. A true nerd would know that “myriad” is an adjective, not a noun. You can’t have “a myriad of” anything; you can have “myriad” things. Duh.
Back to titties and cock jokes!
September 18th, 2009 at 10:46 am
@zach
Um, you may want to crack open a history book or two.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:45 am
zach:
so maybe you could explain to me why and/or how he was the leader of the German Socialist Party?
that history. much as you’d like to, you can’t change it.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:44 am
@arethemad
It’s no more absurd than the cnn, nbc and abc polls.
My point to both you and John are that statistics can be whatever people want them to be. Right or left. I really don’t pay attention to them. Especially the polls.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Saying Hitler was a Socialist when a stated goal of the Nazi party was the eradication of Communism and he was aligned with Fascist dictators is so beyond ignorant I can hardly speak
September 18th, 2009 at 10:41 am
@cohibaman
Wow! Impressive write up.
As to those in the conservative media that you felt were lying to you, I think you are a fairly intelligent person (despite your politics) so it would be fair to assume that you knew what was horseshit and what wasn’t. It’s easy to pick out what is sensationalist media and what is fact. I know where to go look for news. I actually do look at CNN to see what their slant is as well. To be honest, I wish Rupert Murdock would drop dead so we can have someone to lead Fox who doesn’t mix sensationalism with conservatism.
But at the end of the day, I disagree with what liberalism stands for and how we are getting pushed down that road.
Yes, Obama won the election and the Democrats won Congress. But 2010 is around the corner and I can almost guarantee a Republican congress by 2011.
The Conservative movement IS picking up steam despite what you say. I see it more and more everyday. And I guess we really do have Obama, Pelosi and Reid to thank for it.
So, maybe they are the best thing to happen to the Republicans since Jimmy Carter.
Ok, now to put this “strawman” argument to bed… here’s why I disagree with Obama and I think he is dooming this country… as I have stated earlier…
1) Govt take over of AIG, GM, Chrysler
His limited time in government and lack of experience.
2) Omnibus stimulus package that far exceeded anything we actually NEEDED. Seriously, have you seen some of the idiotic things included in that package??
3) A healthcare package that leaves medical decisions to the govt. and is going to cost just under a trillion to take care of 15-20 million Americans. In fact that’s about 890 THOUSAND MILLION dollars for less than 7% of Americans. WHICH BY THEY WAY, isn’t even HIS bill that HE promised to send to Congress in his speech last week.
4) Printing more money while in the midst of an economic crisis while owing trillions of dollars to foreign investors (China mainly).
5) His campaign promise to reduce our military while we still have troops on the ground.
6) His ties with ACORN and the unions (guess who got him elected??)
7) Cap and trade - that’s going to hurt EVERYONE. Who do you think is going to end up paying those high taxes that are going to be placed on the energy companies?? Us… the consumers.
9) 20 years of going to a church with a minister who did nothing but preach hate.
10) He’s a liberal.
Did I leave anything out?
September 18th, 2009 at 10:40 am
CohibaMan:
i didn’t say anything about the left or right, i just pointed out that Hitler belonged THE GERMAN SOCIALIST PARTY.
so… saying he wasn’t a socialist is kind of out of the question.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:38 am
1) So I’m to trust your statistics when you don’t trust mine. I see, that’s fair. You can doubt the statistics, whatever, but then don’t try to raise your own as a defense.
2) Which policies of his are radically leftist, if I might ask? The regulations on Wall Street (that used to exist before, back when we were a communist nation, i guess) are only proposed because the government saved the brokerage firms from bankruptcy. They shouldn’t get something for nothing. Or is it, I suppose, health care? Richard Nixon’s plan was more liberal than his (guess what kind of option it had). We’re slowly pulling out of Iraq, and we’re still in Afghanistan. Tax rates and unemployment are lower than they were during the beginning of Reagan’s Presidency (9.8 vs 10.2, granted it’s close, and still rising, but still). There is no public option in the health care bill! and it includes tort reform! Obama is just as centrist as H.W. Bush was. And what did I say that implied he was a messiah. I said he could have changed the tone. I compared him to Kennedy and Reagan, neither of those men were messiahs either, far from it. And I hate to break it to you, but Obama won almost every demographic, and independents didn’t make the biggest difference, young voters did. And unlike the demographics McCain did well in (old folks, poorer white males, the richest %1), that demographic isn’t going to die, be marginalized by lower birth rates, or stay the same due to laws of statistics.
And I’m sorry for you if you fall into the small number of people I criticize. And I feel bad for real Republicans who want to better the country who have to deal with you. I’ve known, read, and seen many real conservatives through my life (Cal Thomas, Pat Buchana, etc.), and they are not happy you guys are taking over. Take care, I hope you find comfort later in life.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Jesper-
I think I win some sort of idiocy award for that alone.
Jacob-
Actually, Hitler (and Mussolini, along with all Fascists) represent a point of view best termed the “Third Position”, which prides itself in neither being of the Right or the Left. I actually cringe a bit when either side tries to throw Nazis or Fascists into mix (and yes, the left does it far more than the right).
The fact we often overlook in this country is that Nazis, Fascists, and Communists ALL look at both Republicans and Democrats as being shades of classic liberalism, which they all reject. I think it is silly when Democrats try to fit Republicans into the box of being Fascist. We’re all liberal capitalists, the question is what degree we support a laissez-faire free market vs a mixed capitalism.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Fantastic article, DOB. Keep up the good work.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:29 am
9/11 conspiracy stuff? Seriously? Well, it IS an article about the descent of American culture, so I guess it belongs here.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:28 am
to Loesheid:
“Err… Drewmeister? Hitler was the leader of the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei, which was almost the opposite of the communist (and thus, socialist) parties.”
good God in heaven. are you seriously that much of an epic retard? did you even read what you wrote? do you know what “Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterparte” means? it means “National socialistic German worker party”. see that second word there? that’s “socialistic” when you look that up in this thing called a dictionary, it says “see Socialist” and when you look that word up, it says “somebody who believes in or supports socialism or a socialist party”
so yeah.
people like you are the biggest problem in our society. completely ignorant.
Hitler was socialist, deal with it.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Nautius,
Relying on Zogby is probably one of the dumbest things you could have pointed out. It’s a fucking polling site. Rarely do I wake up and think to myself “Today’s a super-fucking-day, and I’m going to go onto Zogby and voicing my opinion on a site that’s essentially like Facebook polling, but with more polls. Hopefully I can meet some like-minded people to tell me where I can find more ‘information’ about Obama being a Jewish zombie hellbent on controlling the world.”
My bad. That’s Jesus. I meant Muslim.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:21 am
…remembered?!
I suspect: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=37&sku=E-CD00420
Yeowch!
September 18th, 2009 at 10:19 am
“The Palin/Limbaugh Administration”
Thanks. I’ll be crapping my pants with nightmares about that for weeks. Scariest damn ending to an article I ever read.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I can end this debate in about 3 seconds.
The left wing is full of pussies that couldn’t pass a bill to stop the nuking of our own fucking country if the right wing publicly contested it and the right wing has some members who are ‘very confused and needy’ to say the least. Fortunately for all of us, we get to see the right wing’s finest and brightest everyday, thanks to news coverage about O’Reilly, Limbaugh and Palin.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Ha! It’s NAIVE, Warco……talk about retarded!
September 18th, 2009 at 10:11 am
@John
Re:
1) There are lies, damned lies and then there are statistics. Check Zogby.com or Rassmussen. They’re contradictory to what you are saying. Or rather, their data is not as skewed as yours.
2) Obama has gone out of his way to divide this country and all that lost momentum you speak of is only by way of his own policies and his administration. A good deal of his voter base were those independents who are now seeing him for what he is. A radical leftist. He is not mesiah you think he is. He’s a man with limited national political experience and a Chicago politician at that. Don’t put him up on a pedestal.
That’s insulting us…. jerk.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:10 am
CohibaMan has just made the largest comment in the history of comments.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:10 am
@GTJ
I think it’s rather cute that you think I care.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Ahh being Canadian really is fun.
I love to read the comments on the political articles, cause it takes almost no time for the deathwishes to start.
Then I head over to yahoo answers and read the questions that say things like ‘Libs: now can you see what a terrible idea electing Barrack HUSSEIN OSama was???!’ Keep it up you guys, the world is waching (and laughing!)
September 18th, 2009 at 10:08 am
GRAAAR LIBERALS
GRAAAR CONSERVATIVES
See, this article is funny because when I’m teaching history 30 years from now, the entire lesson for this time period will be as follows:
“If anyone wants to share what the fuck actually happened, please do so.”
September 18th, 2009 at 10:06 am
@Nautius
I came from similar circumstances. Liberal parents who happened to work in the news industry, one of whom works for Fox News now. I rebelled, went conservative. I was in college at the time and was rather outspoken in my views. I frequented and spent a lot of time posting on FreeRepublic.com. I watched Fox News all the time, constantly listened to Limbaugh and Hannity, voted for President Bush twice, and spent enormous amounts of my time debating his critics while making fun of people like Daschle, Gephardt, Pelosi, and Reid. When Terri Schiavo had her plug pulled, I was up in arms about the whole thing. I wasn’t just a conservative - I was a True Believer of sorts.
I was emotionally and intellectually tied up in all of that. Do you really think I just stopped paying attention and stopped caring about what I considered to be a major threat to America? It doesn’t work that way. I had my assumptions and prejudices and eventually took a step back and recognized them for what they were. I reevaluated these assumptions and began looking at the bigger picture.
You know what I found? I found that the sources of information I leaned on, sources like Fox News, Drudge, Breibart, FreeRepublic, NewsMax, Limbaugh, Hannity, Coulter, Malkin, Levin, and all the rest were demonstratively LYING to me. If you lay aside your partisanship for a moment and go with an open enough mind, you can see countless examples at places like mediamatters.org, newshounds.org, and factcheck.org. I began listening to what the other side was saying and saw that I was really only getting a truncated version of what their positions really are - that is why I keep throwing the “straw man” comment at you. If you are getting your information from Fox News, Drudge, and Breibart you are demonstratively getting your information from biased sources that misrepresent what liberals actually think and believe. It’s been shown time and time again.
You have a problem with Democrats not listening to Republicans? Guess what? Democrats won the election. Obama received an estimated 8 to 10 million more votes than John McCain in an election with enormous turnouts. Democrats trounced Republicans in the House and Senate. Democrats have a right to advance the agendas they ran on given the circumstances. The increasing dissatisfaction with Obama and the Democrats has not been the result of your positions gaining ground among the American people, but rather on the Democratic failures to advance the agendas they were elected to implement because they’ve been dragging their feet. Washington is only rarely a bipartisan place… partisanship has always been with us an cannot be blamed on either side. It makes very little sense to assert that people who elected a party to implement certain policies are growing increasingly frustrated because that party refuses to listen to those that oppose the policies in question…
President Bush and the Republican Congress had times when they tried hard to work with Democrats and they had times when they pushed through what they wanted without listening to the Democrats at all. That was their prerogative. Obama and the Democrats do the same… it’s not to a greater or lesser degree than was present in the past eight years.
As for examples, you haven’t provided as many as you might think. That is why I keep throwing out the term “straw man”… because your examples involve misinformation, half-truths, and mistaken assumptions.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:05 am
The title for Chapter 7 alone is priceless….good work DOB.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Ha. the title of Chapter 7 is fantastic
Hopefully that prediction won’t turn out to be true
September 18th, 2009 at 10:02 am
The only thing the textbooks will say about Adolf Obama is that he was a brutal tyrant who was deposed by Sarah Palin the Great. He was deported to his native Kenya where he immediately was sacrificed to the sky god durning a thunder storm.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Awesome article. Reminds me of “America: The Book”
September 18th, 2009 at 9:59 am
I’m not even going to read the rest of the ravings. I thought this was an awesome article and got right to the heart of things. People want him to fail so they’re wasting his time. If they just let him do his fucking job instead of pushing all these incidentals, maybe we’d be better off!
September 18th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Paul… If the U.S. government “got rid of” Shawn that would be a clear indication that they were the ones that orchestrated it. If you kill a dissenter for voicing his opinion it is essentially admitting that the dissenter was speaking the truth. By allowing Shawn not only to live, but to publish statements like that on public websites, they allow dissension which makes people like you think that there was no way they could have orchestrated it. They create hard-line, outspoken critics of the dissenter’s ideas. From there it just degenerates into pointless and meaningless arguments that end with neither side truly proving their point because they are too hung up on bashing the people on the other side as opposed to truly solving the problem. The government would only have to worry if this conspiracy theory really grabbed hold and became what the majority of people believe (which it clearly has not because of the fighting that is exemplified here); and by then they would be not only out of office and safe, but probably long dead.
Oh, and being coarse, boisterous, and outright hostile does not help your case, it only stirs resentment and more conflict. Hooray for getting nowhere.
P.S. I’m not taking either side on the conspiracy issue, I’m just not taking yours about whether or not Shawn being alive and kicking means that the U.S. government had no hand in 9/11.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Well played, sir. Well played.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:56 am
please, please, please, please, PLEASE I WILL SEND YOU HOOKERS make Chapter 7.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I’m sick of these political articles. I don’t care if it’s right, left, or middle of the road. I come to this site to laugh not to be brought down with reminders of the sad state of the world. Please, please, please STOP THE POLITICS and get back to being funny.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:54 am
“@boombalonga
I hope you didn’t mean you agree that 9/11 was a conspiracy… cuz that would just be admitting how retarded you are.”
And NOT believing that 9/11 WAS a conspiracy IS admitting how knave AND retarded YOU are! - You knave, retarded, ignorant, name-calling, cunt!
Your little head can’t wrap around the thought of the Commander in Chief (Bush) wasn’t in office just for himself and a cash grab, instead of protecting your useless ass?
Grow the fuck up boy.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:53 am
I think the biggest lesson of this godawfullly, incompetent presidency is that affirmative action selections make for horrible presidencies and that only losers play the “race card” (the “if you disagree with Obama’s policies then your a racists” bullshit).
September 18th, 2009 at 9:53 am
@CohibaMan
Bush wasn’t really a proponent of limited government. While he may have paid lip service to the idea during his campaigns, his actions in office prove that was so much waffle. Bush, as I see it, was the worst kind of Republican, a fiscal liberal and a social conservative, instead of the other way around. Bastard.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:52 am
@ All People Bashing on DOB
You complain about his use of political commentary on CRACKED. But then OFFER YOUR OWN POLITICAL COMMENTS!
Douchetards, you are doing the same thing.
There’s a thing called comedic value, take the article for that, not as an affront to your “oh so correct” way of running this country. If some of the commenters are Senators, Congressmen, fuck even city council members, then I apologize, gripe on. But unless you are in a position to change anything. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LAUGH A LITTLE!
Pot calling the kettle black comes to mind.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Well, this has gotten out of hand. (Btw, funny/depressing article DOB)
I hate getting involved in this stuff, but I feel I should just talk about 1 or 2 points.
1.) Obama is not going down in flames. His approval numbers are higher than Clinton’s when he tried to get healthcare passed, and are generally still around 50/50, based on which poll you read. Have his numbers gone down consierably? Yes, but they started preposterously high, there was literally no where to go but down, as the 30% that didn’t like him are the 30% who still think Saddam attacked us on 9/11 and that a communist and a fascist are the same thing (tell that to zombie Stalin or zombie Hitler and they wouldn’t be too pleased). Additionally, while his numbers have fallen, Republicans have fallen even farther. Their party has a 28% approval rating right now. As compared to the Democrats 35-40%, and Obama’s 48% (63% on a personal basis, last time i checked). So no matter how you look at it, he is still the most popular politician we have. Because (as even one anti-Obama guy here said) he is clearly trying to do the right thing, which is saying more than you think.
2.) The most depressing thing of all, in my eyes, is the fact that Obama could have been transformative in the way Kennedy and Reagan were. And this has nothing to do with policy. Obama speaks to us like adults, believes in pragmatism, and actually wants to tackle problems. He has admitted mistakes, such as the beer thing, and is incredibly civil. And though I’m sure right wing nationalists will disagree, the world liking us again is a very good thing. Instead, these factions have taken all of his momentum away, seemingly because their status quo’s are so super great. (No one likes the bailout, but what would the country be like if all those banks failed? Economists universally agree that it saved the country. Kudos to Bush, cause he was a part of this too.) Instead we’re left with a country incredibly divided, because on some level it wants to be.
And, as a New Yorker (a city that voted 85% for Obama), stop using 9/11 to justify Bush policy and raise fears of liberals. We hate it when you jerks do that.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:49 am
@Cohibaman
You think he’s infallible and you make a HUGE deal about it everytime anyone says anything bad about him. Who gives a shit, like you said, most of the stuff people say about Obama is ludacris at best. Still, your rebuttal comments are more annoying. Just read your comment. You sound like a big, giant, douchy asshole. You all sound like the Hybrid drivers on the Smug episode on South Park. That’s my point, stop being assholes. I know it’s gonna be hard for ya, but you just gotta try-try-try like the little engine that could. I have faith in ya.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:46 am
I like how if you believe in small government, personal responsibility, traditional values, and fiscal responsibility, you’re a right-wing nutjob.
Thank you Die. Thank you for the clarification.
And spare me any follow-up shit about how “Republicans screw things up just as much”. That argument is TIRED. Republicans haven’t been conservative since the 80s.
We’re called conservatives. Not nut-jobs.
Might want to research a little.
And more than a couple of folks have pointed out how funny it is that people are getting so fired up politically on a comedy site.
You know something (folks that make that comment)? Some of just really do find the future of our nation important. We’re glad you can sit back amused safe in knowing that in the future a site like this will NEVER be censored and that you’ll always be free to enjoy the things you like in life.
You all just sit back and enjoy the firefight.
Still waiting for the titties, DOB!
September 18th, 2009 at 9:43 am
The problem here is that DOB knows full well that any time he posts anything political it’s going to devolve into Left-Right Warfare.
DOB thrives on this. Most people don’t really know this, but DOB is a shape-shifting reptilian. He draws power from the emotions that are created when he sparks off debates like this. He’s feeding off of us.
Whenever he uses too much of his energy being jaw-droppingly hilarious he has to restore his reserves. It’s rather simple and obvious, really, and I’m surprised no one else has picked up on this.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:40 am
@Cohibaman
Yes, I understand liberalism. I grew up in a liberal household. I rebelled.
Co, to say that WE think of you as being stupid is not the case at all. In fact, if anyone is more dismissive and condescending of the other, it has been the Democratic leadership as well as mainstream media, hollywood and pretty much every outlet that is not Fox, Drudge, Breitbart, etc…
Why do you think the right is getting louder? It’s because no one is listening. We are being told that we don’t matter.
We ALL matter. For all of Bush’s faults, he really did try to find common ground with the Democrats by passing legislation that I often times did not agree with (ie - giving amnesty to 2 million illegals). Obama, Pelosi, Reid and the others won’t even CONSIDER anything coming from the right.
Obama says he’s got an open door policy. Well, if that’s true, then have a beer with Joe Wilson.
I am not trying to “insult” the left, but I WILL refute wild accusations coming from it.
And quit using the “straw man” argument. I think I have cited enough examples of liberal agendas by this administration for it to “hold water”.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Good grief. As usual, DOB hammers out some more of his shitty social commentary. I guess Cracked needs the filler…
September 18th, 2009 at 9:38 am
There is a time and place for political arguments. This isn’t it.
But I love the hilarious political commentary in this article
September 18th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Whatever, everyone needs to give Obama a break He’s trying to clean up Bush’s mess right now, LETS SEE ANYONE OF YOU TRY AND DO THAT.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Shawn, are you fucking retarded? Hypothetically, the U.S. government orchestrated 9/11. After killing 3,000+ U.S. citizens why would they just not kill your miserable punk ass to help keep the cover up? Considering you’re still alive makes it undeniably obvious to anyone with a grain of common sense that 9/11 was a terrorist attack that had absolutely no U.S. government planning. You’re fucking stupid. I hope you get stomach cancer. Like really, I hope that.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:34 am
This is all your fault, DOB.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:34 am
@Dumanyo
I need to ask you a question and I can’t be diplomatic: are you mentally retarded? No, seriously. I need to know because if you are, then I can’t really be distraught over the tripe you posted about “public education, police protection, roads, medicare and social security” being “enormous failures.” You, quite possibly, posted five of the _best_ examples of huge successes for our federal government.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Does anyone else find it utterly hilarious that people are attempting to be pseudo-intellectual on a site that prides themselves on dick jokes?
September 18th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Hey, DOB, althogh I like your style, ¿could you keep Obama-sucking out of Cracked? I come here to laugh, and it’s hard to laugh at retarded “satire” issued from the left.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:26 am
hey internet people, shut the fuck up! no one cares about your opinion! My comment is right.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:25 am
@Nautius
I think that AW’s point regarding the Patriot Act was that for all conservative talk regarding support for limited government, it was a conservative president who initiated what was perhaps the biggest increase of sheer government power in this nation’s history.
The argument isn’t that it’s bad or that it should be repealed, but that it happened under a proponent of limited government.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:23 am
good shit DoB…I particularly enjoyed the “Socialism, Did you Know?” box. however I would like to say fuck you for writing a political article in the first place, as know every flaming liberal and/or right wing nut job will come out of the wood work and attempt to best each other with bullshit, as fairly certain most of them are retards.
oh and before anyone lambastes me, no im not an independent (the worst kind of people), i am actually a democrat.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:23 am
It’s hard to watch your favorite president of all time go down in flames so quickly, isn’t it?
It’s not the ‘Birthers’ you should worry about…it’s the majority of the American people who really like the idea of hope and change, but have never liked any of the actual policy ideas the Democrats propose.
Bill Clinton was smart enough to move to the right when he started to tank….I doubt Obama is that smart. He’s going to destroy your party for years to come…perhaps there’s a funny column you can write about that.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:21 am
GTJ - who has said that Obama is infallible?
I mean, really… do you even bother to read and listen to liberal commentators? Obama rightly gets criticized all the time. We just don’t criticize him about inane and debunked crap such as claims that he’s not a citizen or that he wants “death panels” for old people.
We prefer our criticisms to be more substantive and based in reality.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Easily one of your best articles, DOB, and a chilling reminder that– OH SHIT THIS IS CRACKED UH
I MEAN
“LOL COCKS AND BALLS”.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:19 am
@Nautius
You wrote: “They DO want a strong central govt. They DO want more bureaucracy. They DO want more tax and spend.”
I am not going to argue with you about this. We’ve already derailed this thread quite enough (and, frankly, I had a good time debating you and Andy… we need rational debate in this country!).
What I will say is this: have you ever sat down and asked yourself whether your conception of liberalism holds any water? Is it possible that what you believe liberalism to be is actually nothing more than a straw man advanced by one side so as to make that side look better? Do you TRULY believe that a significant portion of this country, with generally high levels of education and income, really aren’t paying attention and really don’t know what we believe in politically?
That’s the thing. Conservatives complain that liberals insult you all the time. You rarely take a step back and examine the fact that you are extremely insulting in the general premises of the beliefs you hold about us. From your own premises you believe that we are either stupid, liars, or a combination of the two.
That’s the difficulty of these debates. It’s impossible to debate a side that insults both oneself and one’s point of view from the very outset and is willing to dismiss one’s views and sources as ignorant ramblings taken straight out of Cracked.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:14 am
It’s official, the Obamaites are as bad as the Bushites were during his terms and the McCainites were during his “race for the presidency.” Seriously, it’s getting out of hand. He’s not infallible and you’re making everyone hate him by acting like he is. Stop it. He seems like he’s trying but fucking Obamaites who just make fun or people who have serious questions about his presidency, whether dumb or not, are just making people hate Obama instead of understand him and his policies. You’re all fucking retarded and you’re standing in the way of progress.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:11 am
@AW
Also, I don’t see Obama jumping to repeal it.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:07 am
@AW
Oh, I see. Bush just pulled that out of thin air as means to make “big govt”. It had nothing to do with the fact that 3 planes were used to kill 3000 Americans ONE MONTH PRIOR.
Liberals and terrorists agree, The Patriot Act is bad for them.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Matthew: No, I think he’s brushing Obama’s spunk from between his teeth even now. Partisan politics and gushing praise are both extremely hard to make funny, and Mr. O’Brien clearly can’t pull them off. He also seems to be unaware of term limits, but then, O’Brien is an Obama worshiper, and frankly: I’d never expect an Obamaton to actually know what the fuck he’s talking about anyway.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Well written. Much better than last weeks “Hey, let’s take something that’s not new, and put it on this website since I don’t have a column to speak of”
September 18th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I’m not worried. History books are full of lies anyway. They’ll say Obama was a pioneer or some drivel like that
September 18th, 2009 at 8:58 am
@boombalonga
I hope you didn’t mean you agree that 9/11 was a conspiracy… cuz that would just be admitting how retarded you are.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Amazing article once again DoB.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Pretty funny stuff, except for Sheen. Sure, he’s just a ’stupid actor’, whatever.. but he raises some good questions that most people just don’t want to hear (including apparently the author of this).
September 18th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Interesting that not one of the comments here mentions the Patriot Act (although DOB included it in this piece.) Quite a few of those whining, crying, yelling, screaming, protesting, etc about Obama and those that support his ideas seem to have forgotten that the Patriot Act permits “more gov’t” and they were perfectly fine with it. o_O (doesn’t make any sense to me but oh well)
Great article DOB!
September 18th, 2009 at 8:43 am
favorably: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=18&sku=ENGL-CD00429
At least he’s straight!
September 18th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Wow, you did everything just short of getting on your knees and sucking Obama off
September 18th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Nice worship piece, Dan. How does presidential semen taste, anyway?
September 18th, 2009 at 8:38 am
I think everyone should just lay the fuck off of him and let him do his job in peace. If America keeps bugging him and criticizing him negatively he won’t be able to completely focus on bringing our country out of the shithole that it has pretty much become.
and “doctorchaos’” post made me lol. I haven’t seen one of those in a while
September 18th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Notafanofpolitics:
I am a huge fan of capitalistism where it works, but that is quite different from saying that I am a fan of laissez-faire government. Laissez-faire governments tend to lead to huge boom-bust cycles, which is not good for the economy or the nation as a whole when looked at over the long haul.
I also think that it is wrong to equate a view of health care - of which our current system already is not based on capitalist principles - with the view of the President as a whole. For example, the economic advisors that he appointed are strong capitalists.
In regards to the health care issue, one of our core problems is that the person who gets the services isn’t the one who pays for it. If I could get a surgery that costs $10K and is 98% effective and a surgery that costs $500K and is 99.5% effective, I’m going to select the $500K surgery, because the cost out of my pocket is either the same or the difference is negligible. Co-pays are an attempt to insert capitalism into the system, but their effect overall is pretty negligible.
In effect, we already have socialized medicine - except it is run by insurance companies instead of the government. Even the uninsured fall into that system, because the costs for people who cannot pay their hospital bills get shifted into the insurance premiums for everyone else. Given that this is an area where the for-profit motivations of companies do not act in the interest of the nation, as is seen by the fact that the system is starting to break our economy, we need to make some dramatic changes.
At the moment, I think health care probably is like police, fire, and military, and best handled on a social level (rather than the pretend-capitalist-but-not system that we have). The main reason is because I have not heard any other plan that makes a large enough change from status quo to stop breaking the current economic system. I’d love to see other examples, but I haven’t seen them so far.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Wow, this is very insightfull and funny. Thanks, DOB
September 18th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I love how ridiculous the comments section always gets on Cracked.
We couldn’t even manage to keep the comments on topic, it had to devolve into mudslinging and name-calling and pseudo-intellectualism, as always. Calm down! This is a comedy website! Enjoy the shit out of it like everyone else.
Anyway, I loved the article. All the ‘Did You Know?’ side notes were hysterical. Another great article on Cracked to distract me at work. Thanks DOB.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:35 am
@pyx
/facepalm
September 18th, 2009 at 8:35 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/history-texbook-from-the-future-holy-shit/ [...]
September 18th, 2009 at 8:30 am
@ Chris
We actually do have some emerging, good ole fashioned conservatives that are coming up through the ranks.
Watch Bobby Jidal for one.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Why does everybody wants to label obama “socialist”, “liberalist” etc?
What does it change? Nothing ^^ Just look at the man’s idea’s and think yes, I agree, or no, I don’t agree. Don’t think; oh it must be a socialist, thus I hate his ideas.
And anyone that says that political discussion should not be happening here - well, this kind of replies are expected when someone posts an article with politics in it. I, for one, rather have a political discussion than all those brainless comments.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Thank-you for this article. It was funny, well-written and poignant.
I think that there will come a time when Americans look back on their behavior right now with shame the way that someone looks back on that night that they drank a 26 of Navy Rum at the house party of that girl they like and just facepalms themselves miserably. The sad thing is that I don’t know if that very important moment of realization is coming any time soon.
Shut off your pop news channels, people. It’s time to start thinking, reeeeally thinking about saving your overweight countries ass from losing its role as a world power and stop freaking out about every tiny little thing. And stop being so damned racist! No one respects a racist.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Andy -
Conservatism is supposed to mean small central government and fiscal responsibility, but none of our politicians who use that label actually live up to that label. Before Reagan, Democrats and Republicans managed the economy about equally well, and looking at metrics such as the national debt bear that out. Since Reagan however, each Republican administration has racked up huge cost overruns, which stabilize when the Democrats come into power.
Now I’m not saying that to glorify Democrats or demonize Republicans - I actually don’t like either party - I’m just pointing out that the party that claims to be fiscally conservative hasn’t been for 30 years now. We could really use one.
There is also the bit about small central government, which is a red herring. In the latest Bush Administration, the size and reach of the federal government expanded by leaps and bounds - it grew to be far larger than it was before. That was at a time when Republicans had a majority in all three branches of government. So you cannot claim that Republicans stand for small central government - they may claim that they do, but their actions are completely contrary to their rhetoric.
The truth of the matter, as I see it, is that the party that is NOT in power in the federal government always advocates for a smaller federal role, and the party that is in power always pushes for a larger role. The parties try to shift power to whichever level they are most powerful. They fact that they claim otherwise is dishonest, and is designed to serve their parties rather than the American people.
We could use a good old-fashioned fiscal conservatist party. Right now, the closest we have are actually the Democrats, and that’s pretty sad.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:23 am
question: if socialism and capitalism are both economic systems, not political ideologies, what would you say president obama is? obviously his political identity is democrat, but from his voting record, his economic ideas are more in line with a socialist economic system. socialism isn’t a dirty word by itself but if you are a firm believer in a capitalist system and a laissez-faire government, a president with socialist leanings is a problem.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:23 am
@cohibman
I’m going to have to disagree with you on what “Liberalism” is. or at least what you think it is.
They DO want a strong central govt. They DO want more bureaucracy. They DO want more tax and spend.
I heard a quote once and this is about as accurate as I think anyone could have put it.
I am paraphrasing here…
Liberalism and socialism are like trying to pick up a bucket while your standing in it.
You can’t elevate the country while you are taxing the living hell out of it. Economies do not thrive while being heavily taxed to support a government that is increasing its dependency of it’s people on itself.
It would be like using credit cards to pay off credit cards.
Anyway, that’s all kids. I actually have to do some work today.
Thanks for the entertainment, DOB!
September 18th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Hahahaa! That last Obama quote was hilarious!
And please, people, stop debating politics here.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Err… Drewmeister? Hitler was the leader of the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei, which was almost the opposite of the communist (and thus, socialist) parties. He wanted to control the country, yes, but he didn’t want it according to Karl marx, which is the inspiration, and even founder, of socialism (and communism).
So don’t compare Hitler to socialism. Hitler was a terrible man with terrible ideas. Socialists are people that want(ed) to have more rights for the working class. There’s a big difference between killing on a racial-basis and wanting working-class people to have a better life.
Please, for the next time: think before you comment.
–
By the way, great satirical article. It shows that you really put your time in this
September 18th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Just thought I’d pop in to remind everybody how many dicks I like to suck. Hint: It’s a lot.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:13 am
DarrenG- No worries. I was caught up in the rapid response and someone threw your name out there. I apologize if I misrepresented something you said.
And I’m with you on that one - Dan! Titties! If we had more titties we’d have less time to argue about this crap! Can’t argue when there are tits to look at!
September 18th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Dan! Repost the titties!!!
September 18th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Hey, socialism still means something… it stands for anything we don’t agree with! Also, Hitler. If you are support socialism you are very likely a nazi.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Nautilus - You made a very poor argument. Our military is not administarted by our local governments, nor our interstate system. I could continue, but you are intentionally ignoring cohibman’s core premise.
There are a lot of socialist elements in our society, and we had even more of them at the time of our Founders. Socialism is an economic policy, communism is a political policy, and there is no connection between the two. (China for example is now a communist capitalist society.) It exists because even though capitalism is extremely efficient for providing many of the services an economy needs, it can be highly inefficient for others, which is why we have elements of socialism at both national (defense, commerce) and local (police, fire) levels in what is otherwise a highly capitalistic system. You use the method that is most effective to achieve your goals.
You ended your last post with ad hominem attacks against someone when you never even successfully refuted their main premise. That is not what someone who is open to honest debate does.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:10 am
CohibaMan, I don’t remember naming you personally as either a liberal, Democrat or uneducated participant in the discussion. You’re not the only one here making comments. There’s plenty of ignorance going around.
I’m always happy to see anyone on ANY side argue, as long as they can make a valid point. There’s a lot of comments here doing nothing of the sort.
I do agree with one point you made, most people on both sides are not crazies. However, enough people on the left side and a lot of lazy folks on the right side didn’t bother to pay a damned bit of attention during the campaign to know what the holy hell they were voting for.
I agree with what Andy and Natius say, we need to have a test to vote. Constitution doesn’t guarantee a right to vote. Too many idiots who don’t know shit voting based on what their favorite celebrity says.
Thanks for keeping it civil.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:08 am
By the way, DOB-
Damn you and your words… see what you started?
September 18th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Nautius-
I know what Conservatism is. I used to be a Conservative.
Now, let me explain Liberalism. Liberalism doesn’t mean “Unlimited Government” - we support limited government too.
We also believe, however, that in a Constitutional Democratic Republic like the United States, the government represents us and is far more accountable to us than CEOs and corporate boards. We believe that we have a right to organize the government in such a way so that it serves the general good. We haven’t thrown out the Constitution or Limited Government any more than you have.
I’ve gotta run, but it’s been fun.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:05 am
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September 18th, 2009 at 8:04 am
“swaimfan, im pretty sure FORCING me to pay for other’s health care is a bit socialist”
Yes, but that doesn’t mean Barack is a socialist. Public healthcare is often a centrist policy. Your complaint should really be that you don’t like peoploe who aren’t right wing, not socialists.
Incidentally, you are forced to pay for other people’s healthcare with the system you have now, but you already knew that right?
Also, countries with proper socialised healthcare (not what Barack is proposing) pay twice a little as America (per GDP) for healthcare and get better results. But again, you’re probably aware of that.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Gotta run - Andy, Nautius, it’s been fun.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:03 am
How the hell did all these words get here? When I uploaded this article, it was just a bunch of pictures of titties.
I am so firing our copy editor.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Ok people this is the problem with America.
We are one nation divided.
Everyone wants to chalk up political agendas/ideals to one side or the other. Don’t you all realize it is our nation, “we the people” need to stand united and quit blaming each other for everything. Unite and let your voice be heard or continue on quibbling over the little shit and never see the big picture. Unless we can get together in unity then this nation will continue on the same path. Everything is not black and white you should all know that by now.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:02 am
@cohibaman
Conservatism doesn’t mean “no govt”.
You must have infrastructure. We just don’t want a strong central govt making decisions for everyone that are not necessarily valid to the MAJORITY.
Local governments should be allowed to vote and choose how they want. Not big government. If’ you’ve been following politics for 10 years, you’d know this.
I hate having to explain this as it is a simple concept that should already be known.
The federal govt should be limited in it’s power.
The states and local governments should be the ones who decide what they want for their constituents.
Social Security was introduced by a Democrat, by the way. Bush actually tried to overhaul Social Security so people could invest how they wanted rather than the government doing it for them. The liberal congress shot that down.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:02 am
@Nautius
You Wrote: “No, the voters themselves are obviously not socialist, but they are lazy, uninformed voters who got caught up in the “sensation” of Obama while having gone through 4 years of Bush’s unpopular presidency (yes, the LAST 4 yrs).”
See, this is one of the reasons we can’t have a respectable discourse in this country. People on your side operate from an assumption that simply because people on the left disagree substantively with your political beliefs that we must be “lazy” “uninformed” and, based on that, you simply dismiss our points of view based on those assumptions. You assume that the people sitting on their couches watching non-news programs and American Idol NECESSARILY come from the other side when there is most likely a rather even distribution of those people along both sides of the aisle.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Nautius and Andy..
My point is the crazies on both sides are lazy, uninformed voters who get caught up in the “sensation” of whatever BS is being touted the loudest.
And both of you demonstrate the same sort of mentality you’re complaining about, only you’re speaking from the other side.
You’ve divided it all into us versus them.. I’m right, you’re wrong. You overgeneralize peope on the other “side” and then complain that people are calling everybody on your “side” racist. The blatant hypocrisy is laughable.
I also like how you make assumptions about me. Funny enough, I read factcheck.org as well. And I also know that most of what is being debated and shouted about.. like illegal immigrants being covered, death panels, etc. are either blatant misrepresentations of what’s in the bill or just lazy critical thinking skills.
Perhaps you should go back and read articlces on factcheck.org again.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Yeah don’t worry Beppo, someone in the list of people that insulted you will twitter about the breakfast.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:59 am
dongtacluar, though it did make we weep a little on the inside.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I Love reading the comments section in articles like this everyone tries to be smart .
September 18th, 2009 at 7:57 am
As far as Charlie Sheen and 9/11 goes…what does it matter that he’s Charlie Sheen? It doesn’t change the fact that some fucked up shit happened that day and pretty much 2% of the official story makes sense or is factual. He’s just trying to use his spotlight to open some eyes. More power to him.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Andy -
Most people on the left are not crazies, just like most people on the right are not crazies. There is a fundamental split in paradigms in this country that I believe is strongly responsible for a lot of the tensions we are seeing now.
I’ve never blamed Bush for our country’s problems. I don’t rely on John Stewart or Bill Mahar for my news and its quite silly to think that liberals are the ones sitting around watching American Idol and avoiding real news while Real Americans on the right are the ones actually paying attention. Both sides have idiots and both sides have people that actually sit and do their homework.
That’s my problem with a lot of the Obama bashing. It comes from an assumption that people on the left are ignorant idiots when, in fact, we very much pay attention to the news and the facts just as you do. There is an assumption that we don’t criticize President Obama and that we blindly follow him wherever he might go. Most laughable is the assertion some on the right make that we somehow hold him up as a sort of “liberal messiah” when nothing could be further than the truth.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Oh, and if further nationalizing health care, education, banking, and automobiles isn’t socialism, than nothing is. Socialism has already destroyed K through 12 education, and it’ll finish ruining college soon enough. Have fun, Dan O’Brien and all the other Obamatards!
September 18th, 2009 at 7:54 am
personally not a fan of obama, but well written as usual…good job
September 18th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Can someone merciful god delete my last post so I can forget the shame of arguing politics ON A COMEDY WEBSITE??
September 18th, 2009 at 7:52 am
@CohibaMan
I think you were trying to be sarcastic but it’s hard to tell because public education, police protection, roads, medicare and social security have in fact been enormous failures.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:51 am
I’m not trying to pick a side but…
@Andy (Am I going to commenter hell for getting involved in this?)
I have read no facts.
You said, “yea not to mention the fact that obama has already spent… lets see, close to a trillion on bailouts, only 10% of which has been used. (thanks by the way, really created a ton of jobs eh?)
took over gm.
wants to spend almost 2 trillion on health care for about 12 million people…” Which is sort of close to facts in an extremely loose sense of the word.
That’s all.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:51 am
@Nautius
Andy and Darren G proved nothing of the sort. Your ad hominem dismissal is quite silly. I have actively followed politics for the past ten years, most of which has been from the CONSERVATIVE side.
You wrote: “Almost everyone one of those examples you cited are mainly administrated by local governments…. not the central govt. How is any of that socialist??”
Simple. Because they are operated by GOVERNMENTS. Your argument is that governments running anything is bad when compared to what the free market would do. You can’t argue against government-controlled programs on the one hand and then reject examples you don’t like because they don’t operate according to a particular scale. To add to the point, only SOME of what I pointed to was local, while other parts such as Social Security, the Military, and MediCare are Federal.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:48 am
@Siobhan
No, the voters themselves are obviously not socialist, but they are lazy, uninformed voters who got caught up in the “sensation” of Obama while having gone through 4 years of Bush’s unpopular presidency (yes, the LAST 4 yrs).
So, without vetting this politician, everyone bought into what Obama said blindly.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:47 am
NoneTheWiser FTW. The article was non-partisan, it was satirical, and most importantly IT WAS FUNNY. If you’re debating politics in the comments section you’ve missed the point completely.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:46 am
This isn’t funny. At all. Maybe it would’ve been if its creator didn’t have Obama’s dick lodged in his throat and the Democratic Party’s dick lodged in his ass.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Andy-
Wrote that last post before I saw your new one.
You wrote: “u can only back up ur claim by saying “well bush was in office, so its all his fault! and he sounds dumb cuz hes from texas so yea!””
You’re putting words in my mouth. I voted for President Bush twice. I did not blame President Bush for the increase of the debt - I think that what he did was necessary and was one of his better moves. What I argued against was the assertion that the climbing debt is Obama’s fault. It’s no one’s “fault.” It’s the result of policies that were needed and were instituted under Bush. Obama had little to do with it.
CNN is not a left-wing source. While many journalists have left-wing leanings, you folks seem to forget that major media in this country is corporate owned and that management tends to lean towards the right. I have strong misgivings about the anti-intellectual movement in this country that vilifies mainstream sources of information as being implicitly biased.
Fox News, on the other hand, has been demonstrated to lie time after time, as have many right-wing commentators. Check out http://www.mediamatters.org and actually consider what is said there. This false equivalency between what the left does and what the right does is sickening - an objective analysis shows that what both sides do isn’t even in the same ball park.
I did not blame President Bush for the economic collapse, if you would reread what I said. This is part of the problem with arguing with right wingers - you assume the other side is just a liberal and you read in straw man arguments that simply are not there because you assume we argue according to the talking points you are fed. The problem with the Bush economy is that it demonstratively increased the level of poverty in this country and increased the wealth gap between the upper class and everyone else, much to most people’s detriments.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I love the end.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:43 am
@cohibman
Almost everyone one of those examples you cited are mainly administrated by local governments…. not the central govt.
How is any of that socialist??
As DarrenG and Andy said, you really need to get educated in politics before you come to the debate. I am not trying to debase you, but you are not making valid arguments. They’re contradictory.
I encourage healthy debate, but I prefer informed healthy debate.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Andy,
What’s great about people like you and the crazies on the other side.. is you guys say the exact same thing, you merely need to change the nouns.
“People just believe they hear on Fox, or from Sean Hannity, or Glenn Beck.
So, naturally half the bs they are fed just sinks in and all they can do is repeat it. And since they didn’t get info on their own, they can’t back it up and therefore resort to calling everyone socialists.
And no doubt socialism exists, but its hard to convince people that the majority of people who supported Obama are ’socialist’ or pushing a socialist agenda, when everyone who voted for him are Americans who have been living in a capitalistic democratic country for pretty much all their lives..
I mean, what, suddenly 30% of people have suddenly turned into Marx-loving collectivists?”
Seriously.. all the crazies need to stop using the same form letter.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:40 am
“The Palin/Linbaugh Administration” is both the most hilarious and terrifying thing ever.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Also @Andy.
Nope. All the coke made him dumb. You are barely literate I find it impossible that you have ever read anything that you are currently talking about. Die in a fire.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:38 am
@cohibman
Racist agendas in politics are a groundless argument and therefor ARE dismissable.
While I am sure what you state is a valid “idea”, that doesn’t make it true… it’s merely opinion. Again, which is dismissable.
If you want to argue politics, leave race to the side. It’s old, it’s tired and not welcome.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Andy & Nautius, thank you for reasoned argument. I agree with you, Andy. It would be so much better if people who talk politics actually took the time to understand what the hell they are talking about.
It’s damned depressing that our society is so woefully ignorant of how things more complicated than the “American Idol” voting process works just get pushed aside as not being worth the effort.
Wake up everyone! John Stewart and Bill Maher are NOT journalists or political scientists. When you all write here (and anywhere else for that matter), you show just how little you understand about any of the intricacies of how our country and society work.
PLEASE NOTE: I was able to make a comment without thumping a bibile, calling Barack a racist term, screaming “Abortion is Murder!”, or saying “Git ‘R Done”.
Let see how many more here can make their points without making it about personal attacks on people who disagree with them. Show how well you can use your words, logic, and passion to make your points!
September 18th, 2009 at 7:36 am
@ Andy
No you.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:33 am
@Nautius
By the way, you wrote: “Racism is the last ditch effort of the left to smear the right when you have no validity to support your liberal agendas.”
Er… no validity to support our liberal agendas?
Right. Because socialized public education (when it’s not sabotaged by conservative budget cuts), socialized fire protection, socialized police protection, socialized roads, a socialized military (yes, do you think military resources are given out according to the free market?), socialized medicare, socialized social security, socialized health and food regulations to make sure manufactures can’t add an extra helping of shit to your corn flakes, and a host of other socialized programs and regulations have all been enormous failures without any validity.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:31 am
“basically, i dont like socialism”
BARACK OBAMA IS A CENTRIST. YOU DO NOT HAVE SOCALISM IN YOUR COUNTRY AND HE IS NOT TRYING TO INTRODUCE IT.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Pretty fucking weak, DOB. Too much on too little. And for that matter, how do we even know you’re a CRACKED columnist? Eat a dicksickle.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:30 am
@Nautius
You don’t get to dismiss my examples without addressing them. Dog whistle politics is very real, very well documented, and certainly plays to racist sympathies.
I’ve given examples. Your dismissal is weak when you have not even bothered to address the facts.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:29 am
This is a comedy article. It is funny. Take your political debates elsewhere please.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:29 am
@ Andy
“ok, its nice to see that at least some other youngish people dont buy the complete bullshit that has so far been his administration. basically, i dont like socialism and i apologize if i think other people should go to school and work for things they want… ”
public schools? you mean paid for by the government? isn’t that, like, socialist? get off the sidewalks, roads, public transportation, schools, universities, any business with any public subsidy or tax break… the list goes on.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Oh good call Betty_Cage. I can’t wait to see how big a wall of text CavalierX gives us to ignore.
Good article too. But I scertely think Obama loves this shit. Distract the opposition with nonsense, make them look stupid. Give compromises on meaningless stuff and do the important things without hassle.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:28 am
DOB, you’re my new hero, cookies are on the way.
Fundie: “So Mr. Adolf Obama, when do we get to see actual presidential work?”
Obama: “I don’t know sir, perhaps when you and your cronies stop pestering me with inane questioning about my origins, buy a dictionary to find out the meaning of socialism and in general stop behaving like whitetrash on cheap meth?”
There was a time when a russian city changed it’s name to a russian phrase that literally meant “crazy town”. USA should consider changing their name to “loonyland” for a while, at least until they realize that fixing a healthcare system that is owned hard by most of Europe (and Colombia) is more important than the mad rambling of a talentless rapper.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:28 am
@Andy
You wrote: “i know it may be hard to believe, but some people just generally dont like lying politicians.”
Yes… but how many of those are people who simply DO like and listen to lying news sources? I’ll bet it’s more than you think.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:27 am
@Cohibaman -
Racism is the last ditch effort of the left to smear the right when you have no validity to support your liberal agendas.
Name calling…
Come on - you can do better than that
I am not saying racism doesn’t exist.. but it’s not the driving force for wanting to retain people’s freedoms and a healthy economy.
Try again, but bring something substantive.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Great. Now I have to spend the rest of my day looking for my sense of humor. Politics ruins my happiness.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:23 am
@Shakha
Ahem… YOU seem to forget the Omnibus package and second HUGE stimulus Obama passed that had us borrow money for freakin CHINA… NOT TO MENTION Obama’s fed chairman Bernake is prining money as fast as the machines will run…
Bush wasn’t a saint, but this is getting out of hand… the dollar will be worthless, unemployment is about to hit 10% and yet you still want to throw Bush under the bus for Obama’s rediculous decisions… but you get what you voted for… and inexperience “community organizer/baby senator” who’s now running the country…
Great argument Shak - any more for me to shoot holes in?
September 18th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Ale -
You’re talking out of your ass. The economy was destroyed under Bush. Those massive deficits you’re seeing? They are the result of the past eight years and, in particular, programs instituted by President Bush at the end of his time in office to try to address the predicted economic collapse.
Second, No one is saying that dissent = racism. That is a strawman.
When people accuse people on left refer to racist tendencies on the right, we are talking about “dog whistle politics.” Look it up. Basically, certain figures on the right use crypto-racist statements which play to latent racist sympathies on the right. Statements such as Rush Limbaugh claiming that a white kid getting beat up by black kids on a school bus is representative of “Obama’s America” is an example of this. It stirs up fears that some white people have and is a blatant appeal to race as a political tool. Appeals against multiculturalism are another example of this, playing to the fears of white people that foreigners are going to bring in their culture and destroy everything that makes America “American.”
The Illegal Immigration debate is based on this. The underlying argument is that we have to limit immigration because otherwise we’ll be flooded by foreigners who will inundate us with their foreign, non-white cultures. It very rarely occurs to people on your side that if we simply abolished the illegal status we would largely destroy the incentive for illegals to come here in the first place. Such workers are generally hired because, due to their illegal status, they are not protected by minimum wage laws and can be paid a dirt minimum. Employers wouldn’t hire them in the first place if they had to pay them minimum wage and it would defeat the whole purpose of coming here in the first place.
Those are just a few examples of racism on the Right. These appeals are constantly cited as a reason to protest Obama and they tap into racist sympathies many folks aren’t even aware they have. They are cited by people who, giving them the benefit of the doubt, probably don’t even know that they are appealing to racism and who probably think they respect all races equally.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Well, I know nothing about Obama’s health care programm, but I can tell you that in France we do have “”free health care for illegal immigrants”. (And it sucks - but, again, I’m not saying he wants to do the same in America.)
Also, from what I heard, the “birth certificate” concern was a legitimate one. And the “pseudo-racial dispute” is anything but pseudo.
But then again, I have to admit, I hold a grudge against Obama (no, not America, not a all). I may be slightly biased.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Hilarious article.. nicely done. I particularly like when stories have chilling endings.. and there’s nothing more chilling that thinking about a Palin/Limbaugh administration.
On a side note.. I love all the people who claim that Obama is the one encouraging the dissent = racism idea.. Source confusion much? Oh wait.. it’s a conspiracy, right?
That’s the sort of credibility that makes the crazies’ arguments so compelling.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Thuzadian: the difference between Limbaugh and Stern is that if Limbaugh was running, republicans would vote for him.
Ale: Where were you at the end of Bush’s term? Were you frozen? Bush ruins the economy, passes it to Obama and now, suddenly, Obama takes all the blame. Hmm…maybe Bush wasn’t so dumb after all!
September 18th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Awesome and dead on point!
September 18th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Incredibly funny but i have to say the best part was the Chapter 7 title at the very end. Perfect.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:11 am
It’s incredibly sad how very accurate this could be. Sad, but hilarious none the less.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:10 am
This was hilarious. Love your articles DOB.
By and large I lean to the right but hell even if I feel bad for the sheer amount of pointless stupidity the man has to put up with.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:08 am
This was outstanding, but now I can’t get any work done because I keep checking and rechecking the comments section for the inevitable Exile/CavalierX diatribes.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:06 am
You also left out the govt take over of
AIG, GM and Chrysler, the proposed govt take over of healthcare, all the unvetted czars that have been appointed, the horribly corrupt organizations that put him in office (ACORN, AFL-CIO), his insane pastor of 20 years…
yeah… poor, poor Barrack Obeyme
He doesn’t deserve all this scrutiny and criticism.
History will just show that he’s another Carter… which will inevitably bring another Reagan… WOOT!
Nice slant on the article DOB.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Wow…Remember when there was a time when they’d shoot FDR from the waist up (polio) out of respect? Now, I wouldn’t doubt some douchenozzle putting a web cam in the pres toilet…
Not an Obama fan (5/10?), actually, I could give a shit (American politics are a joke), but there’s serious work to be done and pissing away precious time on media demanded PC rhetoric, entertainment debacles, and whatever flavor of the we(a)ek is now during a 2-front war, shit econ, health care nightmare and so on is a sign of the times (misallocation of time/resources). The Onion summed it up post election, “Black man given nation’s worst job.” I feel pretty sorry for him. Watch the accelerated age progression lay waste to his features like Lincoln during his presidency. Tap dancing for 300 million trust fund retards…
DOB, your political commentary, though scathing, is accurate as Hell (and yes, funny, nj as always). You should off Kal Penn (how’d he get to the White House?) and usurp his position.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:05 am
I have to say, the explaining socialism was probably my favorite. That or, Roosevelt slitting bullshitters ’s throats.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:01 am
…I am speechless…this is…WOW.
(bows)
September 18th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Brilliance, DOB.
I don’t know how you get a hold of these text books from the future, but I always figured it had something to do with some abnormality in the space-time continuum that is connected to your klepto-hands. At any rate, I’m absolutely shocked that the text doesn’t refer to the death panels, mandatory abortion programs, free health care for illegal immigrants, socialist indoctrination of elementary school kids, anti-white racism, and the host of other evil programs that Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Fox News tell me Obama is doing every day.
I’m also shocked that it didn’t make reference to the fact that there is a group of radical protesters out there that, for all the themes they could have picked, decided to go with the one that inevitably would get them labeled as “tea-baggers.”
Even you can’t make this shit up!
September 18th, 2009 at 6:59 am
DOB, I fucking love you.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:58 am
@AyteeSics
No, we’re still here. We’ve just figured out that it makes no sense to engage…
DOB pretends that the “Birthers” are more than a tiny super extreme fringe group, and Glen Beck thinks that just saying the word “California” is a joke. Doesn’t make either one funny.
Now the Peanuts strip featuring DOB… THAT was pure gold.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:53 am
It almost goes over the top at the end though.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:52 am
you forgot the part about Obama’s destruction of the economy and creation of the dissent-racist relationship.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:49 am
thank you. Dan.
your new best.
thank you again.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:48 am
28 comments so far and no two page long bitch-fest of a comment about how some guy no one cares about is refusing to read Cracked anymore because of these biased political articles? I guess they really did all find greener pastures on the dark, dirty alleyways of the Internet: Conservative Conspiracy websites.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:48 am
theres nothing wrong with palin, but i would prefer hilldog to be the first woman president. limbaugh is not a politician in his own right that would be like howard stern running for president.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Nailed it. Pres. Obama should take a lesson from the right on dealing with bullshit. They ignore it, and when asked why they don’t address it their reply is “We don’t have time to fuck around. Next question.”
Hence, Republicans are assholes.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Jesus Christ that’s rich. O’Brien strikes oil again.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:43 am
I agree with Beppo. Yeah, the big problem in Obama’s life and presidency is having to deal with all of the crazy people around him. If it weren’t for them sucking up 60% of his time, he’d be saving the world, transforming America into a Utopia, and other heavenly things.
I love your stuff, Dan. But this is so “poor Barack” that it doesn’t make me laugh at all. Shame to see such a tilt piece on a comedy site.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:41 am
@Aussie
Yes. Here in Australia we have to deal with a hack politician trying to censor the Internet because - as best I can tell - his brief is so far beyond him that all he can do with it is pander to christian lobbyists and other nutbars.
Seriously, fuck Conroy. Fuck him right in the ear.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:37 am
DOB- This is the best article you have ever written. It’s seriously just GENIUS. You are a genius, DOB, and I love you.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Probably the greatest article ever written… congratulations
September 18th, 2009 at 6:35 am
This makes me think DOB is a prophet, and that we are all screwed. That Palin/Limbaugh line makes my skin crawl.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:35 am
YOU LIE!!!
September 18th, 2009 at 6:34 am
If you take the percentage of people will actually think this is a history textbook from the future. Multiply it by the number of people who will leave negative feedback because they simply hate the idea of a black man in office. You will get the total number of times I shit myself reading this article.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:30 am
I applaud the effort with this, although it was depressing in its accuracy. Funny, yes, but my heart was nevertheless pained by the trenchant insight. Anyway, really good article. I was impressed. Keep it up!
September 18th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Oh god, brilliant. It almost goes over the top at the end though.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Magnificent, radiant utterly unmitigated sexual mastery, jutting forth from the pants of radness, and panelbeating the vagina of Internet Humour into a wet, deeply satisfied and now spent and worthless quivering mess of nerves and pubes. I weep for the people who don’t read this, and angrily bite those who look at me like I shouldn’t be covered in blood, and stubbornly trying t take a rabid, shaven badger for a walk through a creche. I pay taxes, I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want with badgers and cow blood. I fail to see why any of this is “Further Compunded in it’s indecencey” by my “unreasonable (see being a pussy) and persistant nudity”. It keeps me cool.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Hilarious and sad at the same time. That last bit about the Palin/Limbaugh Administration nearly made me shit my pants though.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Ok Cracked.. now you’ve gone too far! Chapter 7 will give me nightmares for weeks!
( but seriously.. funny article.. except for the part where we are all idiot racists.. which is unfortunately too true - excluding Cracked readers of course… )
September 18th, 2009 at 6:20 am
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September 18th, 2009 at 6:18 am
I kinda wish that John McCain were vice-president. Obama could handle the domestic issues, and McCain would scare the sh*t out of the terrorists, being an ultra-badass Vietnam type. The next eight years would be like an 80’s buddy cop movie, like Patton Oswalt says.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Cheers again on the Kanye article, I just re-read it. 3 months early for the VMA but a) still accurate and b) I’m feeling a recap article updated with the newest shenanigans in light.
Enjoyed the political jokes but what really had me losing it was “It’s true!” So, so, spot on. I remember in college reading through a textbook and wondering why (oh God why) a textbook had to constantly break its own sense of authority and declare “Swear-ta-god it’s true!”
September 18th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Don’t worry about it Beppo; someone will twitter about what breakfast was.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:58 am
DOB there are some things that it’s ok to joke about, and some things that aren’t. Palin/Limbaugh as president is going to give me nightmares. I seriously hope that never comes to pass.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Don’t worry folks, you can all move up to Canada and stay with me. I have Pancakes and plenty of syrup. mmmmmm syrup!
September 18th, 2009 at 5:47 am
The great visionary DOB. When are you going to include the important stuff that happens in the future?
September 18th, 2009 at 5:36 am
This was a work of art. I laughed. I cried. I bukkaked a dead hooker.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Magnificent job DOB. Hilarious at first. Depressing after contemplation.
Beppo, you ignorant mouth-breather. My condolences that you were unjustly born into such a weak gene pool. Good luck with that. Watch the knuckles. They’re dragging a bit.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:26 am
So glad that in my country, we actually engage in politics, not this American circus.
Oh and Beppo, die in a hole…
September 18th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Loved it.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:14 am
DOB…seriously dude, submit this for Pulitzer consideration.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:02 am
The Charlie Sheen margin comments were the icing to the whole piece.
Great shit, DOB!
September 18th, 2009 at 4:59 am
I fucking love this website.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:57 am
This is one of those things that is hilarious for the first couple pages, until you realise that this could actually happen.
We are doomed, people. Doomed.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:50 am
I wish this was longer. I laughed, I cried. Mostly laughed.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:50 am
Man, this would be so much funnier, if it weren’t so sad.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Beppo are you defending the people who are the cause of this article?
September 18th, 2009 at 4:45 am
@ Beppo - yep, you got the point, this is an article about how great Obama is and NOT, repeat NOT about how retarded the media, internet commenters and many members of the general public are.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:44 am
good.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:39 am
So, what did Obama have for breakfast this morning? After all, you’ve got your tongue far enough up his ass to know.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Hahahaha
September 18th, 2009 at 4:34 am
greatest post ever
September 18th, 2009 at 4:32 am
You forgot to add to your pie chart all the time he spend sneaking out to the Rose Garden for a smoke.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Dude, win beyond all description. I <3 DOB.