Hi. I’m TV’s Seanbaby from the Internet. I’ve spent many years of my life collecting and cataloging the worst things we as a people have created like movies about Turkish E.T. and foods about Aquaman. And in the process of trying to describe or mock so many terrible things, I’ve had to come up with a lot of tricks to save my sanity. None of them have worked. And for my first column here at Cracked, I’d like to share some of them with you.
 How do you start to ridicule something we already all agree is ridiculous? |
Comedy is something people are pretty irresponsible with. I’m sure you’ve met “funny” people whose idea of hilarity is answering a question with “I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you.” Or maybe they describe something as, get this, something else on steroids. I have a religious theory that every time someone says that, God keeps track of it in a magical book. It’s a book called Kill This Many People Today. And that’s where tragedies come from.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of making bad jokes. There are thousands of pre-written responses for virtually any situation. There’s clumsy sarcasm, “TMI,” “That’s What She Said,” “ftw.” And now dipshits can get jokes texted right to their phone to make their sense of humor EVEN BETTER. Want to see one? Here’s the sample I was sent during a free trial of a joke-texting service:
“Husband: A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shop”
Haha take that, Husband! I’m afraid I have to apologize to the readers. If I had known that joke was going to be so funny, I wouldn’t have tried to use it to support my point. Aside from that unfortunate mistake, I still insist that humorless funnymen and idiot smartasses are attacking the foundations of laughter every day.
In comedy, not all knee-jerk reactions are wrong. If you see a fat person open his mouth near a young child, it’s OK to whisper to your friends that the child is doomed. Or maybe say, “At least he’s not covering his food in gravy anymore.” “How long does it take to burn a four-year-old off on a stair master?” Basically, every nearby smartass is racing to make the joke about him eating the kid. It’s a crowd-pleaser, but not something you’ll be remembered for. With the system I’ve developed, you can take your jokes in new and exciting directions.
There’s no worse place for a lack of stimuli than the grocery aisle. An active comedic mind may go into overload with the number of stupid headlines that will assault you. For example, you might see “Toby Keith Gets Rowdy,” or “Miley Cyrus: Sixteen and Sassy!” Do you realize how much you have to not give a fuck to type that and put that in front of another person’s eyeballs? You can’t mock something that has no shame.
So here’s what you can do. Take the mess that their idiot copywriter vomited on to the cover and replace it with something more appropriate. Here’s one to get you started. The September 2006 issue of Rolling Stone had a cover feature of Justin Timberlake in a wet t-shirt called “WET DREAM!” That’s fucking stupid. And pointless. So I changed it. To Justin Timberlake - WHAT A MOUSTACHE FEELS LIKE ON YOUR DICK. Buy a dryer, N*Sync.
If you’re not feeling especially creative while you wait to buy groceries, you don’t have to write your own. You can have just as much fun by simply taking a headline from one magazine and putting it on another. “Bat Boy Found in Cave!” is yesterday’s news on the cover of Weekly World News, but strangely fitting when placed on US Weekly under a picture of a tiny orc that doctors pulled from a science-savaged uterus.
When encountering something that deviates from normalcy, it’s easy to call it nuts and be done with it. Well one of the skills I picked up arguing with women is the ability to follow a trail of dislogic back to its source to see how something insane came to be. Now it can be used for comedy as well!For instance, you might one day visit the website of celebrity Leonard Nimoy, Star Trek’s Spock, and see his series of egg photographs. There, you’ll discover that Leonard Nimoy’s idea of a photo of an egg is a picture of a naked lady holding an egg. Now… how does something like that happen?
A. The Enterprise’s omelette replicator got a wire crossed with the Holodeck’s adult room.
B. Leonard Nimoy’s assistant can’t read his handwriting.
C. He’s trying to bring sexiness back to Silly Putty.
D. It was a casual Friday at the poultry farm.
For this example, I’ll use something we can all agree on: women without shirts. As you know, after a certain time of night, every commercial on TV is about drunk girls showing their tits. I don’t get why. It’s reassuring to know that they’re out there doing that, but what the fuck am I going to do with a DVD set of it? Like I have the time and imagination to force a jerk-off out of partial nudity. Sure, I remember the days of sitting through three straight Shannon Tweed movies with a hard-on on deck and frantically trying to get something done with a precious second of side boob. But that was when I was 13, and before I learned of the dangers of erections lasting longer than four hours.
When you’re a kid you have to treat pornography like you treat a Nintendo game. As unforgiving or terrible as it might be, you and your hands will keep fighting to the end because you have nothing better to do and you can’t go buy a new one.
Now that I’ve grown up, I don’t have to spend weeks earning my doctorate in Battletoads so I can see how their Battletoad story turns out. And I don’t have to create elaborate situations in my head to keep a page of Sears bra models fresh. I can buy the novelization of Battletoads and look at pornography that wasn’t reverse engineered from a support hose ad. I don’t want this Girls Gone Wild garbage. That’s barely better than the two porn choices I grew up with: simulating sex with Baroness and Trapjaw or none.
I think it’s important to make it clear that I’m not putting Girls Gone Wild into the context of a teenager scrounging for pornography to create a satire about the immaturity of our society. It’s pretty obvious that the reason these almost-porn videos are so popular is because we all grew up in a country with Quaker rules imposing on our natural urge to put our genitals together. But that’s shit for you to work out for yourself, America. I don’t hate Girls Gone Wild because of some faggy symbolism. I hate it because it reminds of a time in my life when being alone in the house meant I would consider putting my dick in the peanut butter jar. Looking back, I probably would have if I wasn’t certain my brother was clever enough to think of the same thing.
So in order to work through my own personal demons with half-assed adult entertainment, I created a way to make Girls Gone Wild commercials (or any pornography) funny, and you don’t even need dick jokes or mockery. It’s easy. When the naked girls show up, imagine a guy watching it with a girl that he’s trying to impress. The following comic illustrates ways you can further add context to make it work.
One of the most important things in comedy is context. For example, there’s a difference between farting alone, farting during a submarine emergency and farting into the open mouth of a sleeping enemy. A fart during a submarine emergency is hilarious because of the enclosed area, but it WILL cost people their lives. This can be a real comedy killer until the coroner snickers when he confirms that the cause of death was Underwater Fart.
Sometimes you want to make a joke but you don’t have a submarine. Or even a fart. What do you do then? How can you make a joke when there’s nothing to joke about. Take a lesson from the dyslexics. You know how you see a sign that says “CAUTION WET FLOOR?” Well, I don’t want to spoil their secrets, but dyslexics see “PLARGO COCK FLARP.” You and I can’t be that lucky, but we have the next best thing. With modern technology, such as online translation programs, the ancient linguistic techniques of the Orient can create a suitable hilarious substitute:
But from time to time you don’t Joke makes you but; To there is a submarine. Or release the fart. You what that time? This time of you there! The method which is the possibility of making a joke; approximately joking anything. From the hit-or-miss reading symptoms patient have studying and go. You you this, “Try to be how, knows the indication which reveals; attention the ground which gets Bigeye Tuna?” Don’t me is knowing their secret says the thing to that (thing) field, hit-or-miss reading symptoms patient “Sees; PLARGO cockings FLARP.” You and I can’t is it where Bigeye Tuna fortune is good, but all best thing has become to be. Together today science such as online translate; historical language of the Orient is the us for humor doppelganger.
Sometimes you’ll encounter things that bring shame upon the human race as a whole. I’ve already used the example of submarine farts, so I’ll go with my second choice: White Chicks. It’s a movie that came out in 2004 about two black police officers who go undercover as a pair of high society white women. To their credit, no one involved in the making of the film tried. I believe the makeup effects were done by a team of serial killers and a van of dismembered, blood-drained corpses; and the jokes seemed like an impotent last-ditch effort to hurt the white man’s feelings.
In my line of work I’m often given things like this to make fun of, but it can be depressing. I was raised to not attack the handicapped. Unless, of course, they’re stacked three-high in their true combat form. So what do you do? The answer may be surprising: Use the power of your imagination to send you and the subject in question deep into outer space court where you’re Earth’s defense lawyer. The movie White Chicks is Space People’s Exhibit A. And the charge: one count of Tell Us Why We Shouldn’t Explode You The Fuck Up.
You really have to approach the problem from a different angle this way. How do you explain White Chicks to a jury of outer space creatures? Their lawyer will eat you alive during the scene where Marlon Wayans is so black he doesn’t know what quiche is, and he eats so many that he has a screaming shit in the ladies rest room.
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 9th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 18th, 2009 at 4:00 am
[...] fellow Cracked columnist and comedy professor at Internet University Seanbaby advocates a policy of Defending the Movie to Aliens,” whereby the ridiculously shitty nature of the movie is deconstructed and revealed in the process of [...]
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:57 am
With Google Translate I translated this…
“Sometimes you want to make a joke but you don’t have a submarine. Or even a fart. What do you do then? How can you make a joke when there’s nothing to joke about. Take a lesson from the dyslexics. You know how you see a sign that says “CAUTION WET FLOOR?” Well, I don’t want to spoil their secrets, but dyslexics see “PLARGO COCK FLARP.” You and I can’t be that lucky, but we have the next best thing. With modern technology, such as online translation programs, the ancient linguistic techniques of the Orient can create a suitable hilarious substitute:”
…first to Chinese (traditional), then to Japanese and then back to English which equals…
“In some cases, you want a joke, does not need a submarine. Well, poop. How do you do? What a joke, what a joke Arimasunaku. Please lessons to dyslexia. You know the sign read: “Caution wet floor” Oh, not to destroy the secret of our dyslexia, “PLARGO FLARP Please see Seal.” You and I fortunately can not, our second best. Modern technology, including online translation program that can create a suitable alternative to the ancient oriental gay language skills”
I love Google translate.
Awesome article Sean!
August 13th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
@Garth
“anyone who cannot answer the following question has lost not only the right, but the ability to question Seanbaby about anything, ever:
DOES HOBO BABY COUNT AS LEATHER?
No answer? Shut your talking hole, you saggy-lipped Berber.”
LMAO!!!! High fucking five!
August 4th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
I’d like spell to be correct, but troll below me have letters caught betwixt teeth. By read this he look me funny, as this: >8C
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:44 am
Are these comments from a different article?? Did these guys actually read it? This is 5 responsible ways to mock everything right?? I just don’t see how anyone could take offense to this being not funny- those people should be watching white chicks
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:38 am
I just got it - the reason there are so many comments saying “not funny” is because they got defensive from having their talent brought into question. I really am incredulous that they aren’t embarrassed by not getting the funny shit though..
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:35 am
i thought this was very clever- all these comments below are from morons or should I say morans
June 21st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Hey seanbaby. You know drugs? Do less of those.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:26 am
ya this was a waste time, thank god i stopped reading 3 paragraphs in… not your best work… the sims 3 article cracked my shit up tho
June 16th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Whats the name of that italian sausage I hate so much…….Boloney!!!!
U’ve wasted 15 mins of my life.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:00 am
Yeah…. this wasn’t your best work.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:53 am
This was the least funny cracked list I’ve read.
Luckily I read it completely during work hours, so I’ve been compensated for my time and I will not be taking legal action.
Good day to you sir.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
I think there are a lot of people here who think they’re as funny as Seanbaby. I also think there are a lot of people here who are very self-deceived.
Flame on, toilet babies!
May 9th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Made me giggle.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
anyone who cannot answer the following question has lost not only the right, but the ability to question Seanbaby about anything, ever:
DOES HOBO BABY COUNT AS LEATHER?
No answer? Shut your talking hole, you saggy-lipped Berber.
May 6th, 2009 at 3:26 am
I don’t understand this article at all. There is nothing whatsoever in there that should make anyone laugh.
May 3rd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Ahahaha, that very last paragraph killed me.
May 1st, 2009 at 6:50 pm
“Here’s a little tip guys, no one fucking cares about your opinion, especially the internet.”
And ESPECIALLY not seanbaby himself. Heh. Keep up the good work man.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
I’m glad I have the Internet Police here to tell us this article isn’t funny, I almost laughed whilst reading it!
Oh wait, I actually did.
Here’s a little tip guys, no one fucking cares about your opinion, especially the internet.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Oh my god, this article was just boo boo salad.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
dickshit is mire comically called a california raisin. Hilarious article, White Chicks isn’t that bad though, cheeseburger Eddie makes it watchable as far as I’m concerned.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
funny, but unfortunately not funny enough to hold my very short attention span.
youve already improved here though, and there are some fantastic one-liners
sorry for the patronising pep talk, i’m viewing you a bit like a fluffy duckling that needs protection from the haters, which im SURE isnt true *ahem*
April 30th, 2009 at 8:15 am
I bet you like the comic strip Zippy the Pinhead. Like your article, I don’t understand that comic strip either.
April 25th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
[...] interwebs after EGM’s death as a columnist for Cracked.com. He posted his first article here on April 9th, and has been contributing new content in his “Flying Blind on a Rocket [...]
April 25th, 2009 at 6:12 am
Sean,
Dickshit is fecal matter attached to the penis of a homosexual who has sodomized another homosexual.
Your thought processes and factual basis for your comments are equivalent to a large bag of this matter; hence my labeling you “dickshit.”
April 24th, 2009 at 1:04 am
this article has aids.
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:37 am
This was so fucking boring
April 22nd, 2009 at 2:47 am
Hey Sean Berndt
Die Already you dickless ass-monkey
Love
The Internet
April 18th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Dear, Flom Jr. Touche my little boy, but im still right. and Flom Sr. broke my heart by being an idiot.. Lol, gosh true love is so hard to find anyway i was only saying i was tired of people complaining about reading as the only reason this article sucked, just seemed a horribly stupid reason to hate on it… and i was drinking, want to make something of it lol but really, that was it, surprised at the venom i recieved…and watch someone try to make a venom based joke…
April 17th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Sean and Flom, I know you guys have been flaming recently, but i can’t help feel that this is somehow my fault. you both raised me since flom gave birth to me, but now I think I’m in the way of your sex life.
Neither of you are perfect, (with Flom’s misconception about the function of dicks and Sean’s trouble with coherent sarcasm) and I think you could use some counseling. I don’t want to see you 2 divorced, Flom and Sean. Think of what that will do to Hubert, Humphrey, and Julio (the last one was Sean’s idea).
You 2 just need to get that old spark back. Have a weekend in the Bahamas. Go scuba diving. Fuck each others brains out in the hotel room. But most of all, learn to love each other again.
- Flom Q. Berndt - MD
April 17th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
damn Flom i’m sorry your right. Consider me totally schooled. However, does not the fact that people are whining about reading make you sick, or do you share this belief? that is all Mr. Flom. And dicks don’t shit stupid haha, see you said something silly and turned it around on you. Classic comeback. try relaxing
April 17th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Sean,
Drudgereport does not allow comments.
You halfwit bag of dickshit.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:47 am
Dont pay attention to the haters Seanbaby!
(although im pretty sure you dont give a rats ass but hey maybe you are a very sensitive man)
The article started out a bit bland, with alot of -a bit incomprehensive- text i just skipped through. After like the 3rd point it got better, i actually laughed at the submarine-fart-joke and thw hite chick part wasnt bad either.
Keep up the good work and im sure youll find your place here
April 16th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
so you haters are saying you don’t like to read? Is that what im getting out of your smarty comments?
damn, your a bunch or limp dick haters mostly, keep your comments on the drudge report, go have a tea party you dumb useless fucks
April 16th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Hi, Seanbaby. You were funny like 10 years ago. Let it go. Get a real job. How’s your hair?
April 16th, 2009 at 7:01 am
“I’m a serial killing team of makeup effects, is considered by fans of the mutilated body drained of blood, a final effort to knock out a joke, it seemed to hurt the feelings of white males.”
April 16th, 2009 at 7:00 am
More stupid shit that people say to try and be funny:
“I want that 10 minutes of my life back”
“Somebody has too much time on their hands”
“By traditional standards, you are too old to live in your parents basement, yet that is where you probably reside”
@Factchecker: “Old Man Murray”, not “Murphy”.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:06 am
“I was raised to not attack the handicapped. Unless, of course, they’re stacked three-high in their true combat form.”
This is the best damn thing I’ve ever read on Cracked! Thanks, I’ll be looking forward to your articles.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Wow, seanbaby! Good to see he’s still alive and joking. I first read Seanbaby material about, what, 10 years ago? I was hooked like a tweak-addicted nightcrawler. I know he’s a hilarious sum-um-a bitch, despite what some of these posts assert. And I certainly look forward to reading what else he’s gonna provide for cracked.
April 14th, 2009 at 10:53 am
I loved White Chicks.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:43 am
Also, what Factchecker said.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:41 am
woooooo seanbaby
April 14th, 2009 at 2:14 am
What’s hilarious about this is the first time I read Brockway I thought wow, that’s the most dead-on seanbaby impression I’ve ever seen.
History lesson: in the 90s Seanbaby and Old Man Murphy fucking INVENTED the rather played out style of FUCKING HUMOR which dominates most of the internet and this site in particular.
(current editor David Wong, like Tycho Maddox ZP etc., said he got into comedy writing b/c of OMM, who wrote with/shared styles with seanbaby)
Here are some things that every comedy writer on cracked.com have stolen from Seanbaby:
1) a love of hyper-manly humor like like Brockway’s jetski high five comment, and a baroque disdain for everything involving france/hippies/liberals/fags/assorted wussiness.
2) fusing extremely nerdy video game and pop culture references with fratboy dick jokes and tongue in cheek “badass” posturing
3) Fetishizing 80s kitch such as Hulk Hogan, voltron, thundercats, etc.
4) An obsession with “list humor”
5) Shoehorning crude sex jokes into discussions of cartoons/video games/ other relics of childhood.
6) Everything else associated with the worldview and comedic sensibilities of an 11 year old boy.
So saying that Seanbaby isn’t funny enough to write for cracked would be like seeing Old Man Murphy (Erik Wolpaw) couldn’t write for the Escapist, or that Games Workshop isn’t creative enough to do character designs for Starcraft 2, or to say Pearl Jam shouldn’t open for Nickelback. Choose your medium/innovator/imitator.
So the point here is that all you adolescent twats should show some respect to the man who every derivative writer on this site steals from on a regular basis.
April 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I once read an article written by Seanbaby in a magazine and it was so funny I was in tears. I don’t know what happened to him between then and now, but it saddens and confuses me, much like this article did.
April 13th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Fuck off JZ. If you think he sucks so bad why would you visit his website? Truly a douche bag effort, El Douchey, king of all douches.
April 11th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
seanbaby needs a new job. aka not at cracked. you fail, and your lame assed articles all sound the same.
April 11th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Gool old Cracked stuffs. Here are more fun videos, “Ridiculous Stunts I Learned in College” http://tv1.com/playlists/78
April 11th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I just got an account to say thank-you, Seanbaby. I didn’t know what I was going to do when EGM died.
April 11th, 2009 at 7:27 am
“I was raised to not attack the handicapped. Unless, of course, they’re stacked three-high in their true combat form.”
I’m kind of losing my shit over this line. Seanbaby just keeps making me fall in love with him…over and over…
April 11th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Cock-Ring
April 11th, 2009 at 3:19 am
I also realise that was probably fake doctorchaos, there are so many…..in retrospect maybe replying anyway just in case was silly.
Also, I thorougly enjoyed this article. Any time that my housemates are watching something crap on tv in the future I will employ some of these methods to make it easier to take by mocking it in my head.
April 11th, 2009 at 3:16 am
@doctorchaos
The part of my reply to you that you’re either ignoring or not picking up on is that you can post under every article every day about what’s wrong with them and it will not make a difference. Lots of people love the site, and your personal opinion will not change that one bit.
I can’t decide whether you are just misjudging how stuff like this works, or if you are a very sophisticated troll….I’m not sure which is worse and either way I don’t want the comments section to be full of arguments like this so I’m just going to leave this as I think I’ve said my piece enough.
April 10th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Welcome to cracked seanbaby.
If your EGM “Rest of the Crap” columns are any indication of your future style here, the more raunchy, less subtle, cruder articles should provide the jalapeño bits in the ice cream. You know, to keep it interesting. I look forward to reading your future posts.
Oh, and this one was great.
-DF5
Watch out for Swaim He is WAY funnier than he looks.
April 10th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
IM STILL GAY AND LOVE COCK!
April 10th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
I know THAT ain’t the good Doc. Poser.
@Lounsey
Yeah he’s kinda overly caustic, but there are occasionally bits of nuggety goodness buried underneath several metric tonnes of spite laden hateful vitriolic discharge. Barely often enough to be worth even acknowledging, but it’s there. And I think deep down he does love the institution that is Cracked, but he may be sorta ticked that it’s moved away from the types of things he used to like.
@doctorchaos
I genuinely think you should try for a Article. Christ know’s you’d have a hell of a job getting it across the Cracked Desk because of your rep alone, but if you really have the skillz to back up your comments, you may succeed in your endeavors.
April 10th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I am sorry if I have standards and like things like “humor” and “funniacity.” I am just trying to make the internet a better place for all of us, one site at a time.
In the future, I will be looked at as the single greatest hero of the internet. They will want to put my face on the dollar bill, that is if they used money in the future instead of hugs.
April 10th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
@ Doctorchaos
I think what everybody is getting so riled up about is the fact that you seem to be commenting on many many cracked articles saying that they are shit, as if the fact that you do this regularly will suddenly make the cracked staff change a formula that(judging by the mostly positive comments) works.
It’s pissing off the regular readers (myself included) that you won’t just let it go and try a site that caters to your personal taste if the direction that this site has taken doesn’t appeal to you. You have made yourself heard…over and over.
You are entitled to your opinion, the problem lies in the consistant negative comments. It should be clear to you that they will accomplish nothing. Lots of people like the site, and the writers are not going to change it just because you don’t.
April 10th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
@Edward… I like dissecting frogs. How is frog dissection not interesting? Come on. Maybe you should go for the fetal pig or a cat. Those are good ones.
Also I love Brockways work. But sure…
I hear D at the C liked it. I kind of figured he would. The grammar and large vocabulary of this article was unexpected, and refreshing. It made me laugh, didn’t really like the subject, but I’m looking forward to your future articles.
April 10th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
tl;dr.
It started off kind of bland and I really only got as far as I did (the third point) because it was an okay topic. Also, you’re supposed to be counting DOWN.
It’s okay. Brockway went through the same thing. You’ll get into the swing of things eventually.
April 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
YAY
April 10th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Very well done, I enjoyed it lots. I’m pretty sure most of the “you’re not funny” bullshit means “Dick jokes tax the limit of my comprehension.” though, in fairness, I have to say the line “farting during a submarine emergency’ really caught my attention since I read a book a while back where that very thing happened. I have to admit I’m curious if you’ve read it as well or it was just coincidence.
In the interest of sparing us the “well if maybe if you told me what the book WAS I could help you” scenario the name of the book is “Deep Sound Channel” by Joe Buff. If not that’s cool. Just keep writing this awesome shit and I’ll be happy with that.
Peace.
April 10th, 2009 at 8:20 am
wow, worse then brockway…
what happened to wolinski?
April 10th, 2009 at 8:06 am
It does to me. After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But however you come to judge the behavior of DoctorChaos and his partners in moral, ethical, and human terms, when they fired seanbaby because he had AIDS, they broke the law.
April 10th, 2009 at 7:56 am
This wasn’t funny at all. Sorry.
April 10th, 2009 at 7:48 am
I am sick of all these impostors using my name. This is what is wrong with cracked. Why can’t i just enjoy a bit of dick in my arse in piece. By the way, i like man flavoured cock-rings.
April 10th, 2009 at 6:48 am
@Doctorchaos - “…soiling another posters good name” ????
I guess you can add “dillusional” along with “deusche-bag” and “complete tool” on your resumé.
April 10th, 2009 at 6:40 am
@seanbaby - Welcome to Cracked seanbaby. I’ve been a Cracked fan for a couple years now and visit this site on a regular basis. As this is your first post here, I’ll refrain from any critique. Instead I’ll wish you luck.
You’ll need it as, apparently, Doctorchaos(one of the most universally despised & mocked troll this site has seen in a long time-maybe ever) is a fan of your’s. I fear that will be a huge handicap in gaining popularity here.
The ChaosClone bits are pretty funny but I can’t help but notice the absence of most of the funniest regulars, like kingmonkey, codycastor, glendor42(on meds), etc..
For your sake I will assume they are all very busy this week instead doing a polite variation of *crickets chirping*.
April 10th, 2009 at 5:41 am
The new articles are up, and with that, I come to the end of my chaos themed diatribe. In all seriousness however, if there is even the slightest chance that the actual doctorchaos-and if I see one post named the actual doctorchaos there will be untold, and vastly unnecessary internet violence- is reading this, I would ask that he never stops posting. Serious dude, keep on keeping on.
Also I have killed SmackJack and eaten his rich meaty organs to gain his “wit” and skills of magiks.
April 10th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Well, in my parallel universal time-continuum wormhole, I, Doctorchaos, am a trillionaire, thanks to the sauve investment I made into marshmallow flavored cockring industry, and instead of going extinct like your timeline-record-needleskipinuum, my penchant to hoard cockrings left me with only supply, giving me a cockringopoly on the market.
I am literally swimming in cockrings now. No joke, I filled my olympic size pull full of ‘em and swim around just like Scrooge McDuck’s did with coins in his money bin. Also, neither of us where pants either.
April 10th, 2009 at 4:08 am
lol wut? wtf r u tlking about?
April 10th, 2009 at 4:01 am
I was a fool, I could have stopped it all. I should have known that interacting with several alternate timeline versions of myself in 2009 on a message board solely devoted to responding to and analyzing “dick joke” articles would end in, well, chaos. But this isn’t the future my mother warned me about. This is not how it was supposed to be. As I type the last post of my life, please know that if you are reading this, you are the resistance now. Also, please know that I have just two more things to say. (1) DOB wrote the “NEW” Bible in 2012, and (2) there is a remarkable lack of marshmallow flavored cockrings in the future… this is not a world worth living in.
April 10th, 2009 at 3:47 am
The hardy boys are not proper detectives. They come along with their 12 year old shit and think they can solve whatever drug smuggling racket that’s going down in the caves of the andes mountains or somesuch nonsense, it’s a fucking joke, that’s what it is. I had to train for 3 years to even sign a form which said I could rent an office, let alone get that cool backwards writing on my door which reads the right way to people outside. You think it’s all fun and games, well it isn’t you stupid kids. It’s hard dangerous and often has nothing to do with smuggling.
April 10th, 2009 at 3:36 am
Was the lack of humor intentional just so he could make his point about “It’s easy to fall into the trap of making bad jokes”?
April 10th, 2009 at 1:45 am
Not so clever. I’ve been referring to mustaches as “dick brooms” for quite some time now.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:22 am
obviously spock, in his vulcan naivete, assumes that eggs come from naked ladies
April 9th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
is it just me or are there quite a few spelling errors?
April 9th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
I cannot help but look down at the aftermath of my beautifully orchestrated production in revelry. As I pulled and tugged at the strings, you all compliantly danced along. Each flick of my wrist was a masterpiece in itself, guiding you all to this tragic end.
Not only was the integrity of a name destroyed today, but the man behind the name as well. As he spiraled down into into the pit of despair and belittlement (and racist/homophobic undertones) he took everything he could down with him. All that remains is the ashes of what was once a bipolar comment board on the preceding article.
As I lord over the smoldering remnants of my opus, I cannot help but giggle as I spell my name I attempt to spell my name in urine to put out the remaining red embers.
Wow, that smells aweful.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
i love how commenters write 3 paragraph reviews of the article wen no-one even gives a shit!
good article, gonna use “moustache on your dick” and pretend i came up with it
April 9th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Godspeed nemesis. Godspeed.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
When did the odyssey that is the destruction of the integrity of my Doctorchaos alter-ego merit the necessity of a director, who I will dub Directorchaos. If everyone is going to ruin the name, at least maintain some semblance of spontaneity and entropy that has been the driving force behind the rise and inevitable downfall of the doomed Doctor, is itself chaos.
The eerily prophetic screenname was just a foreshadow to the inevitable. The chaos has become the meta-concept of this thread.
Now, Directorchaos, trying to control this beast is futile. It has become a hyrdra, growing more more entangled and dangerous with every vain attempt to cut off a head.
In a hail mary to save the name, I am going against the sands of time, towards a purging rebirth. I only have one shot at this, you can do it Duffy Moon.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Finally, something new from Seanbaby!
April 9th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
seconded SmackJack
April 9th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
SmackJack: on behalf of me and hazardlad we apologize, and will accept any punishment the editors/moderators hand out in regards to our getting carried away with ourselves. It WAS extraordinarily poor form to hijack a new columnists maiden post. We’re sorry.
GrandmaChaos: Don’t apologize to those fucking jews! I’ll sick up my blind deaf cute nephew ommlette!
(we’re not Anti-Semites, but it was DOCTORS ORDERS.)
Eat it chaos!
April 9th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
LOL
If this gets any further out of hand it’s going to cause some sort of world wide Doctorchaos MEME or something. Someone please make a video so it can get al viral on us.
Even I don’t know who I am anymore, am I sleep posting during the night? althogh it’s safe to assume that THIS post is real and anything posted over the last 8 hours isn’t.
Seanbaby, seriously sorry this happened on your primary post, you deserve better, and in the future try to use the other message format where we can only use our proper Cracked login and avatar.
Someone introduce Grandma Chaos as a new character. Make her a Jew hating, psychopath who traps and eats children or something.
DOB, this is where an editor whould do something, or just let it ride, but come on, Seans first post and it gets hijacked by people impersonating me, if it was one of your articles I’d be all for it but Sean is Sean, he’s worth like 17 DOB’s.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Since I never got to make this call while posting as a real person, I reckon seanbaby’s got the experience and the talent to make a real impression on the cracked masses. This one is sporadically funny, but not my Yard Glass Of Kerosene. Yes I drink Kerosene by the Yard Glass
April 9th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Potential? Seanbaby’s been around a HELL of a long time. I’ve been a fan as far back as 2000, and he gets funnier every time he writes an article. Good to see you got a regular gig again, dude! In keeping up work, please good to be it make with Bigeye Tuna!
April 9th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Unholy pain eh? BEG THE FORGIVENESS OF YOUR LORD THAT HE MAY HEAL YOU
April 9th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Well i’m only posting as hazardlad. And Madam Chaos etc is posting as SmackJack. I had to hack of three of the fingers on each hand, so this is about as much typing as I can manage without facing unholy amounts of pain. And SmackJack is just lazy.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Deitychaos, speaking as a former thief of your moniker (mine were the slightly more sophisticated posts, not the ones in which “you” proclaimed your affection for marshmallow cockrings and ass-ramming), I wholly approve of the new name.
Also, to all would-be chaosbabies out there, please keep the name doctorchaos. It’s really difficult to keep this whole soap opera of a thread straight when agents of “chaos” are so ubiquitous.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Verily, thou hast bested me and now, I lie humbled at the feet of my lord and master.
for now.
Da da DAAAAA
Saintchaos sounded cooler. Deitychaos is kinda redundant. Most eastern belief structures have like half a dozen godheads devoted to fucking up your weekend.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Damnit fake Deity, if you are going to rape humor so thoroughly using a fake name, at least stick with the current canon in “Epic of Doctorchaos”
April 9th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
I would be careful how you talk to someone with the wrath of God now on his side. You are stepping onto HAZARDous ground.
OH SNAP! Burn! See what I did there? Took your own name, and used it against you. Oh, your online moniker that gave allowed you to be so cavalier with your insults was petard upon which you were hoisted.
Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. A master wordsmith such as myself is not to be trifled with.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
….and because we misread saints post, now we look like dickheads.
Sorry again dude. The offending fingers have been cut off at the knuckle.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Seanbaby has always led me to laughter. Several times I was made to drink the laughter which was actually to breath the drink during the laughter that made me nearly die.
And one time fireworks went off for over an hour!
April 9th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Deitychaos
You sir, are a tool. May God have mercy on your brother-dad and sister-grandma for spawning you. We shall say no more.
Cockring
April 9th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I just realized my hubris in my new name choice, and in an act of humility, will demote myself from Deity to a Saint, which still represents the new path of righteous I have decided to walk.
Peace be with you all.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
No, you were being mature. I’m now proud of the Internet.
I was referring to the 14-year-old Boxxy-loving spawn beneath you. Of him, I am not proud.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
wow, you condescending prick. Thank you for defending me, yet still showing me the error of my ways. Your limitless wisdom and benevolence really made me stop, and look deep into myself, and I hope all you imposters do the same. You have been the deus ex machina in this seemingly unresolvable arms race of rhetoric and wits, descending from the sky to throw your mighty bolts of life lessons upon all us ignorant mortals. I never misuse message boards by sharing my opinion about the corresponding article.
In honor of this resolution, I have officially changed my name to Deitychoas, which I hope will put all this to rest. You all no longer have Doctorchaos to kick around anymore.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Do you mean us? Because we thought we were being uncharacteristically mature then.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
These fake confession have gotten extremely unfunny, so please stop taking my name and attaching it to whatever lame idea you think of next. The first few were amusing, so let’s keep them golden by not aping them.
Really, you’re the Internet equivalent of that guy who repeats SNL lines over and over. That guy is usually beaten to death in alleyways by the Union of Keeping Comedy Pure. You really don’t want to be that guy
April 9th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Ok, thats it, I admit it. I was abused by my stepfather and bullied by everyone at my school until i was 18, then i married some fat chick who squashed my nuts, and now I like to stir up trouble online so i can feel loved.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Thank God for IM
Okay Doctorchaos.
We, the under singed do hereby understand and summarily respond to your throwing down of the gauntlet.
Response begins:
We mean nothing personal dude. Really all we’re going off here is the cracked fan base’s seemingly undying hatred for you. And yes we will admit that the vast majority are more than likely spamming your responses for daring to hate on their favorite writers, however some do seem to have picked up on your ardent hatred of this site. We, for a few, can’t seem to fathom why your still around if you hate it so much. Wanna change it? Step up and submit an article. Let them eat Doctorchaos! (that wasn’t a shot at you. It was either that or “I am Doctorchaos!.” “No I am Doctorchaos!” and Christ knows you’ve had a gut-full of that)
Secondly we love Cracked. But not so blindly to claim it is without fault. Some things are unfunny occasionally, and, ever so rarely, kinda juvenile. However each will be to his own, and for the most part, the site is damn funny (we think). And for the ones that don’t agree, we got the forums and comments to abuse (I feel we, outta everyone here, would be using the term abuse correctly)
To close: Nothing but love for ya Doc. And just setting fire to your penis would cut out digestion as the flame inducing middle man.
Sincerly
The real doctorchaos, the real REAL doctorchaos, Associate Professor Chaos, Madam Chaos, The really really etc doctorchaos, and hazardlad
And thats it people. We’re coming home baby. Coming home forever.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Jesus Christ, where the hell do you get off being such a pretentious asshole, Doctorchaos? Lighten up! The people here are just having fun (albeit the fun is shallow and childish, but still, it’s fun). Learn to laugh at yourself before you appoint yourself Supreme Judge of All Things.
Also, cockring.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
okay, seriously, stop it. i know all you imposters think its funny, pretending to be me if i were gay, rather than the world class vaginal speulunker that i am. I am not down for that gay shit.
i mean, just the other day i was totally balls deep in this guys ass, when, without warning, he reaches back and fondles not one, but two of my testicles. I was all like, what a HOMO! I was so out of there, leaving in a super unhomosexual way. See, all your logic and gay accusations are now completely disproven.
Checkmate. cracked users and all you fake versions of me, the most real and irrefutably straight Doctorchaos.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
“thanks to “The Really Really Real Doctorchaos times one more than you say times googleplex’s” insolence.” made me laugh so hard you threw my concentration off and I shot all over your mothers feet. A waste.
doctorchaos’s ASSEMBLE!
April 9th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Pigeon
And consider yourself cut off you little toe-rag. I told your mother she shouldn’t have stopped the abortion halfway through. And now I have you AND a crack addled wife! Why crack? Because it’s cheaper than RU486.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Seanbaby was awesome in EGM and still is. I’m looking forward to more of his stuff on Cracked!
April 9th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
To clarify, the people must be different, and their responses also must be at least slightly amusing. Leave a brief rant with your opinions about me and Cracked in general, and then leave.
Also, the rules have now changed thanks to “The Really Really Real Doctorchaos times one more than you say times googleplex’s” insolence. The other five columnists must respond as well, or poor DOB will get a face-on money shot, Human Torch-style.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
intangible
April 9th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Here’s an idea, Doctorchaos…..why don’t you go somewhere else? You know, somewhere that you actually think is funny? Why waste your time griping about how shitty this website is, unless you actually like being a griping douchebag?
April 9th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Haberdashery
April 9th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
mudkipz
April 9th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
sandalwood
April 9th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Dickring
April 9th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I am sick and tired of these damn imposters ruining my good name. You may not enjoy my long, didactic posts, Cracked readers, but I write them because I care. Cracked used to be funny; every article was like a breath of fresh air in an otherwise unoriginal day. In a world where everyone thinks they’re a Richard Pryor in the making, Cracked came closest to delivering.
Now, Cracked is like those 2 dollar beers at a bar. They’re cheap, you can get more of the same almost anywhere, and they bring nothing new to the table. Even the hangover they bring is substandard. Cracked is like a cheap beer hangover: it helps to take your mind off that uggo you banged last night, but if it truly did its job you wouldn’t be thinking of her at all.
Since most of you only read my posts so you can mock grammar or leave an unfunny comment about what an idiot I am, we’re going to have a little test. If fifty people respond to this post without using the word cockring - which, frankly, was funny the first time but got progressively more stupid - I’ll post a video of myself drinking gasoline, then holding a lit match in front of my dick while I try to light my consequently flammable semen on fire.
If you fail to respond, I’ll post a video of myself sneaking into the Cracked offices and masturbating on DOB’s face. I while then set it on fire.
You have 24 hours, starting now.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in….
I’m not really American. I live in space. Witout ma helmut!
Whi so harddd for breefing? Mi Pa hut mi arnd watted me.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I am an anonymous poster. I am expressing my disdain on the internet.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Hahahahaha, whatever. You guys are a bunch of douchebag idiots. So what if I like ranch-flavored cockrings? I like ass milk too. I suppose you’re going to make fun of me for that too? I thought this was a free country, and you’re all infringing on my CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to enjoy ass milk. And cockrings. Go fuck yourselves.
Signed,
The Really Really REALLY Real Doctorchaos
April 9th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
As we say Downunder, catch ya later mate. Also, Fuck Baz Lurhman
April 9th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I don’t want you to think I enjoyed that Son.
Although my green lantern suit IS bitchin.
Goodnight Folks
April 9th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wow, I gotta say, this article sure spawned a hilarious stream of comments.
And assbeetle……what the fuck? You accuse Seanbaby of having a fucking retarded name? You could have called yourself ANYTHING, and you called yourself assbeetle. Bravo, douchebag.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
gone daddy gone……and the love is gone….*sob*gone daddy gone and the…*sob*…*choke* love….is….Awwww God no….I’m all wet and fetid….*sobbing continues*
April 9th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I cannot decide - utter crap, or mildly acceptable.
Utter mediocrity. That’s what I’ll go with.
Not cracked material. Or if cracked has changed and finds this up to par, I’m done reading cracked.
Sorry seanbaby (what a fucking retarded name); you’re a good writer, but not here.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Seanbaby is awesome.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Get back in the house Janet! This family will not parade it’s unorthodox methods of discipline in the midst of a domestic dispute! Dammit, I dropped my Power Ring…
April 9th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
He did this to himself, Janet! He must take the full force of my MIDAS PUNCH directly to his balls!
April 9th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Man they let us keep right on going, huh?
April 9th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
John NO! We said no more! Not after Saigon!
April 9th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
It’s sad when I laughed more at the comments than at the actual article.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Prepare yourself
April 9th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Dad what the hell is a midas punch?
April 9th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Thats it son. I love you, but you leave me no choice.
Here comes The GREEN FUCKING LANTERN to teach you the meaning of FEAR. Behold my mighty Midas Punch! WARNING: Midas Punch NSFW. Or ever at all
April 9th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Lad! What did I tell you about your greasy suit-wearing fantasies? Go to your room this instant!
April 9th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Yeah… not really up to par with the other Cracked writers…
April 9th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Ignore the wife Prof. Grease that suit and remove that thong, it’s go-time.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I just read a bunch of the comments below praising your name, saying that you’re totally awesome and have been for years, and all I can think of right now is pizza. Because I’m hungry. But usually, when something is funny, I tend to stop thinking of anything but the thing that’s making me laugh.
This article had it’s moments, but it didn’t make me laugh because it was clever, as Cracked usually does, but in a laughing-at-a-not-heard-before-that’s-what-she-said-remark way. It stops being funny the moment you stop laughing.
I trust you’ll get better at pleasing my funnybone in the future, and if you don’t, you can at least console yourself in the fact that others are pleased by your efforts..
April 9th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Please, son…..Don’t make your father put on the suit.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
meh
April 9th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
The tangents like submarine farts and contemplating peanut butter rape had me laughing harder than I have in weeks. You always had some of the best delivery when it comes to rambling non sequiturs. Only problem is those parts kept getting offset by the actual points you were trying to make.
The things you told us were supposed to be funny were too bare-boned, lame and lacked the insanity that makes your humor work. Sure, an alien jury would be out there, but it’s nowhere as twisted as a Battletoads novel. Photos with word bubbles kill humor in general. Babelfish, while lazy, still worked, though; serious decision making should always include “Or release the fart.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is you could be the best writer on Cracked if you make less sense. That or go after things that have no coherent point to begin with. It’s why your writing worked so great with classic superheroes and old videogames. Not to mention those topics tend to be popular by default here anyway.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Oh, this has nothing to do with the article but seriously lol at all the fake Doctorchaos posts. Reading all that mockery was the ultimate; I mean, for real, what an ingenious way to take something so inherently douchey and turn into amusement for everyone. Well done guys. =)
April 9th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Is this the same type of humor as White Ninja?
April 9th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Hey…
seanbaby…didn’t this author used to write articles for a video game magazine? (or still does? - It’s been awhile…)
Name is very familiar. Seen him on G4 I think some time ago.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I had never heard of you before, but after reading this I have the utmost respect for you as a writer. I can totally see your influence in Brockway’s stuff and that made me like this that much more. The fact that some people complained this article had too many words is really sad.
Anyway, I thought it was hilarious and I really look forward to seeing more of your stuff on Cracked. =)
April 9th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Do it Associate Professor Chaos. Give him the old bush league one-two-do-this-and-you-can-be-in-our-club-but-never-show-the-marks-to-anyone. Remind him why you are called Paul, The Bringer Of Fear
April 9th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Son please….stop it. Do you want me to put on the suit?
April 9th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I thought it was funny, but the people pretending to be Doctorchaos are absolutely hilarious. Someone should make an article of his posts, and the replies he gets, because it gets funny. I always read the comments just so I can hear him spout off on something no one cares about, namely how unfunny he thinks everyone is. I have yet to laugh at a Doctorchaos post because it’s funny. I usually laugh because I want to punch babies, because I feel like I’m overdosing on some kind of fake pretentious bullshit. In short, write that article, because you will get comments galore!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I love the taste of my own cock! With my dorito flavored cock ring, it is like tasting heaven. (Only ranch flavored!) To all my fellow men out there, let’s get it on….. but only recently unemployed need apply. I only like dirty, grimy, smelly dicks in my ass.
Thank you very much.
I am Doctorchaos and I approve this message.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Son, it’s Dad. Please stop being a dick, your mother and I are worried. Nearly as worried as we were when she found that poem acrostic poem in your room about your mother, pandas and a banjo. We love you, but it’s time to come home.
Love, your father
Associate Professor Chaos
P.S If you are going to use my cock rings, please clean them after wards. It costs enough money getting your brother’s pubes out of your braces, you’ve no idea the cost of getting it out of a sex toy.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
How dare you, you IMPOSTER, use my name to make fun of me? I will not stand for this! Why are you being mean to me?!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Not the BEST article, really, but still pretty damn funny.
It’s good to have you here, Seanbaby. I’ve only read your stuff in the gone-before-its-time EGM, but from what I read there, I’m really looking forward to more of your shit.
Also, I use ’shit’ as a synonym for ’stuff’. Not implying that the shit you write is shitty.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES SEANBABY I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK
April 9th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
who is sean baby and why is he so awful?
April 9th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Instead of “It’s like that…on steroids!”, you should really hate “it’s like that, but ON ACID!!” even more. “It’s like the news…ON ACID!!” for example. It’s not really like the news on acid; come on now.
Also, I saw a great headline in my local newspaper today which totally defeats any of the ones you mentioned: “Wrong woman was cremated.”
April 9th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
what the hell is this?
April 9th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
“…Stacked three-high in their true combat form”
Sean, I had my doubts coming into this article, but this line assured me that you sir are a comedic mastermind. I look forward to more.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Well, i did laugh at several parts of this article, Sean has his very own style of humour and doesn’t need to try to “appeal” to any particular demographic whatsoever.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
The funniest thing about this article was “Plargo Cock Flarp..” That was it’s high point.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Sean, it’s great to have you back. I’m a longtime fan of your website, EGM, and even the work you did with The Wave. As a recent Cracked reader, the timing on this suits me just fine.
Don’t mind the haters, any fault this article has is instantly redeemed by the line “I was raised to not attack the handicapped. Unless, of course, they’re stacked three-high in their true combat form”.
Keep up the good work.
Also, if anyone needs proof that Seanbaby is excellent as hell, remember that old challenge Uwe Boll put out about boxing his critics a few years back? Try as Sean did, Uwe would not agree to fight him, prefering to do battle with all 102 pounds of non-MMA trained Lowtax. He was the internet’s great American hope, and the big German tough guy wussed out on him. Thats got to be worth something, dammit.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I dunno why so many people didn’t like it. I had some good laughs during it. I haven’t read a bunch of seanbaby’s stuff, but I enjoyed this. Its a different style than some of the other columnists, which is a plus.
Different strokes for different folks I guess, but I laughed at this article. And I look forward to reading more of his stuff. Keep on keepin on.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Meh, you’ve got potential, but i didnt even bother reading any of the words after the first paragraph, and skimmed over the (not so funny D: [sorry bout it] pictures)
April 9th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Good sirs (and gentle ladyfolk),
Shall we all retire to the den to further debate the merits of this example of comedy? I’ll have Mr. Perryweather Leatherhands IV bring us a carafe of sweet-tea and we’ll further peruse the subject of internet comedy whilst mock-spanking our employed negroes. Huzzah!
April 9th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I’ll give Sean time to get better. I saw potential but nothing funny. I skimmed most of the post because it bored me and then skipped straight to the comments. I found most the comments more amusing than the post really. This saddens me. =[
April 9th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I laughed pretty hard a couple of times. All of the topics were right on but I think it went on a little bit too long.
I still liked it though and am looking forward to future posts.
Also… I love Doctorchaos… He is so honest…
About his preference of cockring flavor… I admire that!
April 9th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
what ever happened to wolinsky?
April 9th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
usually a fan of cracked columnists but this just wasn’t funny or even interesting.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
How to put this?
Imagine Arnie as The Terminator, trying to find the proper words from his internal pop-up display of potential responses:
“That. Was. Not. Funny.”
And then:
“Fuck. You. Asshole.”
April 9th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Could we make fun of doctorchaos instead of having seanbaby? In all seriousness, I really hope seanbaby gets better than this (honestly). I can’t see the rest of the Cracked team inviting seanbaby aboard if they didn’t think he couldn’t bring something to the table, so we should give him the time to prove himself. Good Luck man
April 9th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Still original. Still smelling my butt. Still “thrashing the panda”. And I love commenting in the third person. I only let people address me if they say “excuse me The real REAL Doctorchaos” and then they have to bang a Chinese gong with two panda dancing carved into it.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
HUMOROUS!
FYI, we don’t do casual Fridays at the poultry farm. We found it cost too many self-inflicted talon-related injuries.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
My only real posts are the ones that refer to my disgust with DOB and the Cracked site in general, and the ones that refer to my preference in cockring flavor.
Signed,
The Real REAL Doctorchaos
April 9th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I’ve been a longtime fan of your “Rest of the Crap” column in the late EGM, and I’m glad to see that you’re still kicking the Internet’s ass. Welcome to Cracked.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I really hope this is not the future of cracked, because if it is I really need to find another way to waste time at work. Besides (what I’m assuming are) unfunny jokes, the paper did not make any sense and had absolutely no flow to it.
Unless… The true underlying joke is the irony of mocking other’s jokes by making equally bad and incoherent jokes. Wow, not I get it. It actually is kind of funny–I love irony!
April 9th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
“As a woman I don’t have the mental capacity to put forth a sound argument, but I am going to put this out there anyway.
Calling women stupid and illogical isn’t beating a dead horse at all! You are one original and refreshing web comic Sir.
Go fuck yourself.”
You just read an article about how to be funny. Here are some less pitiful ways to say what you said:
“Calling women illogical violates Responsible Way to Mock Everyting #6, which is “Fuck you Seanbaby”.”
“I just read this article and the novelization of “Over the Hedge”, and I can’t think of any differences.”
“Responsible Way to Mock Everything #6 really is “Fuck you Seanbaby”.”
April 9th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Excellent work, Seanbaby. We welcome you to Cracked.
By the way, don’t give the peanut butter to DOB.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Why does everyone say “cold sore” these days instead of HERPES!. Yes, kids, your mom has a cold sore because she’s been sucking your dad’s cock who got infected with genital herpes by a male prostitute.
April 9th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
“This can be a real comedy killer until the coroner snickers when he confirms that the cause of death was Underwater Fart.”
Classic. From what I’ve seen you’ll be a welcome addition to the Cracked empire.
April 9th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Hahaha I love it! Welcome to Cracked Seanbaby, I look forward to reading more of your articles. Please don’t give the peanut butter to Brockway, iCk! LoL
April 9th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
#4 reminds me of any translated directions for an item or how to pamphlet on Engrish.com…and it makes as much sense! I believe I heard awesome just get punched in the face
April 9th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
As a woman I don’t have the mental capacity to put forth a sound argument, but I am going to put this out there anyway.
Calling women stupid and illogical isn’t beating a dead horse at all! You are one original and refreshing web comic Sir.
Go fuck yourself.
April 9th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Marines who play FOOTBALL.
April 9th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Wasn’t thrilled with this one. I’m assuming it was meant to warm up the Cracked audience…I’ve never read any of Seanbaby’s work before, and I can understand how this might be used as an icebreaker. I hope it’s unusual for you, Sean, ’cause I’m not loving it.
The fact is that anybody who’s ever made a halfassed attempt at humour (which includes some of the comments down here) learned these things before they were ten. I mean, your #1 is used sixteen times in every Cracked article, twice in every comment…look at a Daisy Owl comments section and EVERY SINGLE POST is a use of #1 with some added subtlety. (I don’t like using all caps but there’s no italics key, so…)
The “Use Technology To Your Advantage” part didn’t describe a use of technology. Did you mean “Use Photoshop to make funny pictures taking advantage of these principles”? It would have made sense if you said something like “Use Language To Your Advantage”, though technically Dyselixian has not been confirmed as an official language in America. Yet.
#5, if used twice, is not funny. One time you can pull that but unless you make a running joke of an ongoing case, the defending-bad-humor-to-space-monsters gag is just that: a gag, which will sound rather desperate the second time you use it.
What actually bothered me about this whole article was the idea of condensing humor into rules, because that basically turns all entertainment into lolcats and FAILs. If you mock things the same way over and over, they cease to be at all entertaining. Also, these lacked subtlety, in much the same way that making a joke about a fat person eating a child is not subtle. At all. It might be funny if the person listening has not heard many comments like that before, but it will never, ever be clever.
Anyway, I look forward to yr next article. Remember I only criticize out of love. But not like gay love. Like the way Marines love each other. Straight Marines.
And by the way, Doctorchaos? Did you stop taking your schizophrenia meds? I’m getting a little confused.
April 9th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
That was horrible, not funny at all… I just wasted a few minutes of my life that I can never get back…
April 9th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Fuckin’ A! Seanbaby is here! I think you should do a rehash of the “How to Dance Dirty” video I am sure is still in your VCR,…taunting you
April 9th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Great to see you here Seanbaby! I have been laughing my ass off at your SuperFriends site for years now.
April 9th, 2009 at 11:28 am
FUCK YES.
April 9th, 2009 at 11:21 am
funny as usual keep it up : )
April 9th, 2009 at 11:10 am
This link is a video of my Dad in the ninties
April 9th, 2009 at 11:03 am
It wasn’t as funny as I thought it was going to be, but it just didn’t cater to my type of humor.
Just by reading this I can tell you fit in with the Cracked Staff though, it’s easy to tell that you crossed that line between genius and insanity a long time ago. Welcome to the club crazy person!
April 9th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Because I like to smell my butt. I like it more than thrashing my mother’s clit like a misbehaved panda
April 9th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Not funny? What? I almost pissed myself on the underwater fart thing. Keep up the good work!
April 9th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Doctorchaos, you are the only one who spams the comments with your hatred of this site, so why frequent it?
April 9th, 2009 at 10:50 am
well actually everybody hated it. Whoops. Need to do more research next time…
April 9th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Figures that all the unregistered people hate this and the bluenames love it. Except me. I loved this, and I think its about time to head to seanbaby’s website…
April 9th, 2009 at 10:48 am
This is not funny. And the whole point was terribly made
April 9th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Funny
Brave to do it on this topic too, as anyone who doesn’t like it will say something along the lines of
“huh, not funny, how can you write about how to be funny…”
But I liked it xD
April 9th, 2009 at 10:45 am
I like to smell my butt
April 9th, 2009 at 10:44 am
My only REAL post was the one right at the bottom of this list.
Seriously Cracked, time to integrate a password protected login so people can’t duplicate others. It will reduce the comment spam a bit at least.
Signed: The REAL Doctorchaos
April 9th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Man there are some articles that after reading it I see the comments saying “That was the funniest shit EVER!” and I think “Really? That was pretty gay.” But this is the exact opposite. Hilarious, as always, any hater comments must be from peeps who aint familiar with the Seanbaby styyyle (humor).
April 9th, 2009 at 10:37 am
What style is that? Unfunny?
April 9th, 2009 at 10:36 am
sih skcilf ohw lauxesomoh a soahcrotcod tnsi desufnoc ma i
pu dekrow lla eh si yhw neht ?mih etah ot elpoep gnitteg ot naeb
erom mih etah ot elpoep teg lliw taht sgniht gniyas elpoep tuoba
erac tnod i hguoht ,hcus dna sgnirkcoc wollamhsram gnilbbog ekil
rouy ekil siht tnsi os sluaxesomoh ekil tnod yllareneg elpoep tub
?maerd tew
April 9th, 2009 at 10:30 am
sorry but well….it got a bit boring around the middle, the beginning was funny. but otherse i just kind of sped through it.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:29 am
I think Doctor Chaos is the ghost of Tom Delay
April 9th, 2009 at 10:26 am
fist article i gave up on.
ever.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:24 am
I’m sick to death of IMPOSTERS using my name! That retard down there spouting off bullshit about “mental prowess” and “intestinal fortitude” makes me sick because he has no fucking idea what he’s talking about.
All I like to do is suck dick and bitch about stuff. Why is that so hard for me to do here? Why do you guys have to be so mean to me?
April 9th, 2009 at 10:12 am
this was too long. it sarted of pretty funny. then u kept explaining shit and rambling…….i got bored as the humor died. i think i read the first 2 paragraphs. and ur teaching comedy….why?
hahhahaha
pretty funny. perhaps just not my style of funny.
good luck
April 9th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Is this still a humor site? That was like reading an accounting text book. Can anyone have a column now? Maybe I should sign up my Grandma. Give her something to do after she’s done playing bridge… Awful.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:02 am
I’ve enjoyed most of Seanbaby’s work over the years. This article was a bit weak, but worth a few laughs in places. I’m interested in seeing him continue to work for Cracked.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I don’t think whoever wrote this article is in any position to teach others about comedy. I read the first two sections and got halfway through the third before I decided the only way I will laugh is to click back and then click another article.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:57 am
This makes me happy. As do the readers who loved it.
Also, please give Brockway your jar of peanut butter so he can calm down a bit.
(You’re frightening him, Robbie.)
April 9th, 2009 at 9:50 am
This article lacks anything even resembling humor
April 9th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Are you mad, Doctorchaos? Everyone hates you.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I am really tired of all the IMPOSTERS taking liberties with my name. It is sad and pathetic that a collection on brain washed morons that barely have the mental prowess and intestinal fortitude to push the correct buttons to access Cracked.com must attempt to entertain themselves by soiling another posters good name. I know it is just a sad attempt to justify the piss poor existence most of you are clumsily falling your way through. Please, continue to follow the “Pied Piper of piss poor” that is DOB, and his merry clan of fart sniffers that also contribute to this site. Eventually, he will lead all of you idiots off a cliff. On an unrelated side note, I do enjoy marshmallow flavored cockrings. Peace out homies.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Damn seanbaby, you are a funny motherfucker.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:45 am
I had no idea SeanBaby was coming to Cracked, but it’s awesome that he’s here. His writing style is terrific.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:41 am
“When you start analyzing humor is when you stop being funny.”
-Steve Martin
And here we have Exhibit A.
(To be fair, Steve Martin is probably Exhibit B.)
April 9th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Also, I forgot to mention this earlier Sean, I don’t mind taking it in the rear and receiving the occasional reach around. Also, I really enjoy marshmallow flavored cockrings and long walks on the beach. Just something to think about Sean. TTFN.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Yup, couldnt of said it better myself Doctorchaos, you sure are.
However, I rarely dislike things on cracked, but this article was simply awful. I read through it in the vain hope it would get funny at some point but alas, just more rambling and attempts at humour. I’m a little bit annoyed i wasted my time on it, to be honest.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Man, I sure am a humongous fag. I hope someone will fuck my mouth later because otherwise, I can’t ever shut the fuck up.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I agree too. I usually really enjoy cracked articles, even the lamer ones, but this one I couldn’t even read through.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:32 am
nope, not funny.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Cratey, here’s a crowbar, beat yourself until you cough up some ammo and medpacs
Pure Amazing! Postmark!!!
Seanbaby…you had me at “but dyslexics see ‘PLARGO COCK FLARP.’” I am going to get fired now for the outburst of laughter (drawning attention to the fact I am not working), but damn it was worth it.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:20 am
ha! Doctorchaos likes seanbaby. It’s all falling into place now…
April 9th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Redo #4. That one was kinda terrible.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Nice article! That was funny in a clever sort of way, it was a really creative topic.
Look forward to reading more of your stuff!
April 9th, 2009 at 8:47 am
SEANBABY!
I have missed you on my internets.
Welcome back to my e-life.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Here’s a quick test to see if you’re a retard:
[_] I laughed at this article
[_] I am a retard
April 9th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Good stuff Seanbaby, looking forward to more.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Great to see Seanbaby on here.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Oh man, it’s up.
It’s official now, right?
I get to be coworkers with fucking Seanbaby. Like…that’s what I do now. For realsies. I’ve been reading your stuff for well on 10 years now. Long before I ever wrote a word of comedy you were making me cry from laughter. I love your work and it is an honor to have you on board.
If we were both riding jetskis right now, and we caught a wake simultaneously - high-fiving at the peak of our parallel jumps - this would be exactly how my 19-year-old self pictured this moment.
We can do that, right? Coworkers do jetski high-fives all the time, right? That’s a thing…right?
April 9th, 2009 at 8:30 am
I didn’t like any of that.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Pretty good article. The Justin Timberlake thing made me laugh so hard I almost pissed myself.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Wow, the list headings got increased in size after I pointed it out. Hurray!
On another note, I am completely willing to declare war on the other side of the comments that doesn’t like Seanbaby. Don’t fuck with me.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:19 am
YEEAAH, BABY! MAD is BAAACK .. errr .. wtf? Cracked dot com? What the hell is this shit? I’ve never left comments at cracked dot com before .. maybe because I’ve always been too busy, you know, LAUGHING!
Good thing you brought your sycophants with you, because this shit, like sticking your dick in that peanut butter, ain’t funny .. it’s just sad and pathetic.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Actually, Quakers believe sex is right up there with food and air.
When they court, they used to do something called “bundling”.
http://www.quiltersmuse.com/bundling.htm
I think you meant it was Catholic rules…..not Quaker ones.
Just sayin’
April 9th, 2009 at 8:00 am
STFU Noob don’t mess up with Carrot Top
April 9th, 2009 at 8:00 am
I wonder if seanbaby is only here till someone whose name rhymes with “cockway” inevitably returns?
April 9th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Seanbaby,
I hope that they decided to give you credit for stealing your work concerning superhero powers from your Justice League pages.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Excellent. Great addition to cracked.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:48 am
This was not funny. I’m not gonna make jokes about seanbaby or rip on him, but it was just completely unfunny
April 9th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Awesome article Seanbaby, your signature brand of humor once again tickles me where no man should be tickled.
I find it funny that people leave such heartfelt comments about the article. It’s as if the believe that Seanbaby is sitting at home reading the fucking comments section at cracked with one tear rolling down his cheek
April 9th, 2009 at 7:36 am
I give it 4 Sue-Sue-Sudio Crystals
April 9th, 2009 at 7:32 am
a little long winded for my tastes. but some of the parts i did manage to get through were funny. I’ hope i could see slightly shorter pieces from you in the future. lol
April 9th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Seanbaby,
Outstanding work on throwing in “faggy” right out of the gate, slowly desensitizing the readers. After a certain period, you can then slide “faggier” in under the radar. Then, if you bide your time, you can drop “faggiest” on the masses when the moment is just right, preventing a broken pixel-esque fallout and allowing you to maintain your journalistic integrity, or some faggy shit like that.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:27 am
A funny first article, had me laughing pretty well at the start but kind of trailed away at the end.
Still, great stuff, keep it up.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:25 am
God, we get it! You like boobs! We beleive you’re straight, now please write something funnier.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:22 am
#1 isn’t new at all
#2 has a good concept and a decent example
#3 is a good idea, horribly placed into practice
#4 is basically the Internet
#5 is worse than White Ninja.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:10 am
“You have potential”
“Keep trying”
“Sorry New Kid, maybe tomorrow.”
Are you all 10 years old? You must be, since you apparently don’t realize that Seanbaby has been writing articles since the late 90’s, and 99% of them are freaking hilarious.
Same with this one, loved the article, Seanbaby. Can’t wait to see more from you.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:08 am
…you mean that’s NOT what that Rolling Stone headline originally read?
This is funny…definitely a great addition to the site. Keep it up!
You guys should slow down with the “unfunny” verdict. This is primarily an introductory article from Seanbaby and I think it’s a good overview of his style. Let’s see what he delivers in the coming weeks…I guarantee you’ll become fast fans!
April 9th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Seanbaby, after I saw your name I knew this would be a wasted day at work. Im going to end up surfing through “Old Man Murray” and “Fat Chicks in Party Hats” all day.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Proffessor funny,
i have read your comment “Professor Funny on trying to be a faggot”
in short, i must pass you with flying colours, as your comment via both it’s illiteracy and general douchebaggery perfectly conveys you as a grade A faggot.
i hope to never have to read another abortion of a comment again, please do not come back.
Tris10000
April 9th, 2009 at 7:04 am
wow this was one of the best articles i’ve read in a while. Uproarious. (yeah i said it)
April 9th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Really funny post, I think this has been said in a few other posts, but just to reverberate, it’s different from the other articles but STILL FREAKING FUNNY! I’m tired of reading the style of stuff all the time. Keep it up man!
April 9th, 2009 at 6:51 am
My opinion on the subject matter is relevant and should be heard and acknowledged by everyone.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:45 am
I see good things in the future, and Seanbaby is going to lead the charge.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Funny , I will uploaded this to tall dating site ____Tallconnect.com___ to share with my best friends,especially the hot models.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Sean,
I have read your thesis “5 Responsible Ways to Mock Everything”
In short, I must fail you for the irresponsible lack of humor. Your colleague Melz, who seems to think that somehow people find Carrot top and Pauly Shore are funny, has been decapitated in your place for this pimple on the ass of comedy.
Please consider signing up for a remedial class, and I hope to see you in my class again in 2012.
Professor Funny
April 9th, 2009 at 6:31 am
@swaimfan
Ah, yes. Those damn HATTERS are always keeping us down.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Hey, Cratey, why don’t you write an article for Cracked? Then we can all laugh at how not funny you are.
Seriously, if you don’t find Seanbaby funny, then you’re probably the kind of person who thinks Carrot Top or Pauly Shore is funny.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:20 am
Compared to other articles, this one lacks a story and humor.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Wow, that was possibly the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long while.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:11 am
“Joke Analysis is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and it kills the frog”.
E.B. White
April 9th, 2009 at 5:57 am
right as brockway is finally getting funny they serve us this crap
April 9th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Loved it, Seanbaby! Welcome to Cracked. I’ve missed your work.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:50 am
This article doesn’t mention DOB or any self referential comments about the Cracked office at all! I am appalled! And whats with these tiny list headings? The list headings are like 80% of the humour! I could shit a hammer with rage!
April 9th, 2009 at 5:50 am
eht ot ni gnitraf” hgual em edam syawla evah uoy naes ti devol i
scixelsyd tuoba tib eht dna !EMOSEWA “symene na fo htuom
ro gnorw sgniht daer syawla dna cixelsyd ma i !eurt dna dlog
!erom rof tiaw t’nac pu ti peek ,sekatsim suoivbo gnikam
!tcartsba eht ni kniht
April 9th, 2009 at 5:44 am
Wow! I have to mention again that I usually don’t hate on people, but… I made it half-way through (and I rarely do not finish what I’ve started) and it was bad.
Sorry New Kid, maybe tomorrow.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:44 am
*Cracked writer….
damn it =(
April 9th, 2009 at 5:43 am
Thank you seanbaby!!!! Awesome post! Using the information gained here, I will be a Cracked before I know it.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Definitely different than the usual Cracked stuff…but in a good way. It’s nice to see a column with a distinct style and voice instead of an article that just tries to ape the work of the other Cracked columnists.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:23 am
OH! I get it. This is like an Andy Kaufman thing, where the joke is on the audience and you’re laughing at us. Right? Right?!
See, ’cause you tell us what’s not funny, then in your list of things that are funny you give us 5 more unfunny ideas. Good one!
Otherwise this is a huge swing and a miss; fart jokes? girls gone wild joke that has been done by every hack comic since 1999 [citation needed]? references to a movie no one has seen? yikes…
(ps i would add any joke that ended in “priceless” to the unfunny section. )
April 9th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Great first article, welcome to Cracked, Seanbaby! I’m looking forward to reading more from you; I used to enjoy your articles in the now-canned EGM magazine.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:14 am
The Cracked comments section’s slow transformation into youtube comments is nearly complete.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:58 am
@ Cratey
Cracked isn’t scraping the barrel with Sean, the guy is seriously funny, go to his old site if you haven’t already. His style of humor is different from the usual Cracked blogger, but he should def not be axed.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:52 am
WELCOME. I LOVED IT IN PLACES AND OTHER TIMES IT LEFT ME BEMUSED. TRY AND IGNORE THE HATTERS, JUST LET THEM MAKE HATS.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Is there any problem that hilarious translations can’t solve?
On a related note, how in the hell did the translator get “Bigeye Tuna”?
April 9th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Ah! I have to say, that last tip glanced over my head, seeing as how I’ve never seen White Chicks. But then again, I’d rather stick a power drill in my face than watch White Chicks.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:43 am
DAMMIT, I meant it’s definately NOT your normal sort of thing. These messages need a login and an edit option, that’d also stop IMPOSTERS!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:42 am
I love that “CRATEY” doesn’t get seanbaby.
Cratey, here’s a crowbar, beat yourself until you cough up some ammo and medpacs, then grock the fact that seanbaby has been writing humor on the intertoobs longer than you’ve owned a computer…
April 9th, 2009 at 4:41 am
OK.
It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either, it’s definately your normal sort of thing Sean. I used to check your website daily, then there seemed to be a long period of time when nothing got updated and I kinda phased out and forgot about you, until it was announced you were coming here.
I’m going to assume all those meetings and phone calls you had with DOB while arranging your contract and so on, caused some of his unfunny bacteria to rub off on you and taint your work this time. I advise a long hot shower or simply pushing DOB down an elevator shaft, eliminating the unfunny bacteria’s food source.
Shortly afterwards you will become super funny like you used to be. And don’t try to pander to Cracked’s level of “entertainment” either, you’re far better than 90% of the people who regularly contribute, just keep it Sean and tell DOB to shove it up his ass if he gives you grief, you probably have more visits to your own site in one day than Cracked has in a month so you’re the new star of the office. And hey try to work yourself into a video sometime, that’d be cool.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:38 am
awesome post
April 9th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Oh dear Cracked. We’re really scraping the dregs of the barrel here aren’t we? Tsk. Boot him before your credibility is slaughtered any more thoroughly.
Honestly, I actually fell asleep halfway through. I gave it an honest shot, really I did, but this article needs to die. Now.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Class stuff.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:26 am
It’s awesome that you’re writing for Cracked! I loved your video game reviews in Electronic Gaming Monthly or whatever it’s called, it has been a while. I thought the part about Dyslexics was funny.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:26 am
farting into the open mouth of a sleeping enemy
awesome
April 9th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Hey, I’d rather listen to overused one liners than this article.
Same humor, but at least the one liners are shorter.
Keep trying.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:26 am
I didn’t get it.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:25 am
Welcome to teh site seanbaby… I smiled, that’s good, you’ll be at home here!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:22 am
You have potential but this was not funny…
April 9th, 2009 at 4:19 am
Wait, what?