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Cracked Liveblogs the Presidential Debate LIVE!

  • 8:54 PMDan O'Brien - Guys, I'm going to be completely honest: My humor tonight is going to be severely impacted by the fact that I don't want to have sex with anyone in this debate.
  • 8:55 PMMichael Swaim - They just said on CNN that McCain needs to seem "more compassionate" tonight. Mayhap he'll do some DOB-wooing thru-screen?
  • 8:55 PMDan O'Brien - Mayhap, Swaim. Mayhap.
  • 8:55 PMHbn Gladstone - I'm drinking scotch. How about you guys?
  • 8:56 PMRoss Wolinsky - Jim Beam and soda.
  • 8:56 PMMichael Swaim -
  • 8:56 PMMichael Swaim - You're telling me you don't want some of this?
  • 8:56 PMDan O'Brien - I wanted to have a nice champagne, but it turns out I don't have that, so I'm drinking this wine I brewed in my toilet.
  • 8:56 PMMichael Swaim - And oh, I'm drinking Silk: Vanilla (low fat)
  • 8:56 PMDan O'Brien - You may scoff, but anyone who's been to prison knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
  • 8:56 PMHbn Gladstone - John McCain has been in prison
  • 8:57 PMRoss Wolinsky - Just to bring everyone up to speed with a complete non-sequitor, Swaim has already accused me of having a penis that presents a choking hazard to small children, to which I countered that it was manufactured in China and is covered in lead paint.
  • 8:57 PMRoss Wolinsky - All that and the debate hasn't even STARTED yet.
  • 8:57 PMMichael Swaim - Whoa! That was BEHIND THE SCENES commentary, Ross.
  • 8:57 PMMichael Swaim - They have to wait for the DVD for that shit
  • 8:57 PMRoss Wolinsky - I know. But marketing said people like that kind of stuff.
  • 8:57 PMMichael Swaim - Also, Palin's daughter is retarded.
  • 8:57 PMMichael Swaim - There, it can only go up from here.
  • 8:58 PMRoss Wolinsky - Hence the Glitter Act of 2009.
  • 8:58 PMHbn Gladstone - I'm not gonna like to you, Swaim. Your pic is freakin' me out.
  • 8:58 PMDan O'Brien -
  • 8:58 PMHbn Gladstone - lie to you
  • 8:58 PMDan O'Brien - (There's an edit button, Gladstone.)
  • 8:58 PMMichael Swaim - Well, your avatar seems to be making eyes at me, so I really don't know what to believe.
  • 8:59 PMMichael Swaim - (just because it's in parentheses doesn't mean it's whispered, Dan)
  • 8:59 PMDan O'Brien - Hey, on CNN, they're talking about Polls. It says 80% of the people think the country is going badly.
  • 8:59 PMDan O'Brien - Did any of you guys take this poll?
  • 8:59 PMDan O'Brien - No one ever asks me to take these polls everyone's always talking about
  • 8:59 PMRoss Wolinsky - Can you guys tell me when I need to actually turn on the TV? As it stands I'm in the alley behind my apartment going through the contents of my wallet.
  • 8:59 PMMichael Swaim - I think they just poll Kieth Olbermann now
  • 9:00 PMMichael Swaim - And chatting online, Ross? I submit that you are a liar.
  • 9:00 PMRoss Wolinsky - It's called WiFi. Check it out.
  • 9:00 PMDan O'Brien - It's starting guys. The shit is on.
  • 9:00 PMMichael Swaim - I sincerely hope that the talk gets slightly more political when the debate starts...
  • 9:00 PMMichael Swaim - I want to have sex with the CNN commentator on the left
  • 9:00 PMHbn Gladstone - I'm watching on CNN too.
  • 9:01 PMMichael Swaim - Right? Right?
  • 9:01 PMDan O'Brien - Wolf Blitzer just said that the candidates don't know what the questions are going to be tonight.
  • 9:01 PMHbn Gladstone - is that a joke? do i have to always be funny?
  • 9:01 PMDan O'Brien - Is that different from regular debates?
  • 9:01 PMDan O'Brien - I'm honestly asking. That's retarded.
  • 9:01 PMHbn Gladstone - BEEP! Welcome to Hate By Numbers. BEEP 1. Wolf Blitzer? Nice beard!
  • 9:01 PMRoss Wolinsky - Tom Brokaw's hair looks pretty good tonight.
  • 9:01 PMMichael Swaim - Now they're playing bass-y fight music.
  • 9:01 PMMichael Swaim - I am PUMPED for this!
  • 9:01 PMDan O'Brien - Tom Brokaw is so likeable.
  • 9:01 PMHbn Gladstone - BEEP 2 Tom Brokaw you talk funny!
  • 9:01 PMMichael Swaim - whoa! Rock flute!
  • 9:02 PMMichael Swaim - CNN is blowing up right now you guys.
  • 9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - Can we expect a question from Joe Six-Pack tonight?
  • 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - Swaim, what are you watching?
  • 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - I'M watching CNN.
  • 9:02 PMMichael Swaim - Acid.
  • 9:02 PMHbn Gladstone - oh awesome, Tom Brokaw selected the "excellent" questions.
  • 9:02 PMMichael Swaim - His voice is so smooth it makes me want to puke.
  • 9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - What's the matter? You don't trust him?
  • 9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - I get the feeling he's done this before.
  • 9:02 PMDan O'Brien - I like Dana Carvey's Brokaw better than this guy.
  • 9:03 PMRoss Wolinsky - Hey, look - it's John McCain. He should do well tonight provided that nobody challenges him to raise the roof.
  • 9:03 PMDan O'Brien - This shit is SO ON.
  • 9:03 PMDan O'Brien - Wow, Ross.
  • 9:03 PMHbn Gladstone - For the readers at home, we have a wonderful intern who i shall refer to as "Jeeves" who is helping us tonight. Jeeves, get me a photo of a 1957 Chevy right now! my brokaw joke depends on it!
  • 9:03 PMRoss Wolinsky - Too soon?
  • 9:03 PMDan O'Brien - Does Brokaw have two microphones pinned to his tie?
  • 9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - Is THAT Joe Six-Pack?
  • 9:04 PMMichael Swaim - I think my feed is ever so slightly delayed. I'll have to up my game to keep up with this razor-sharp humor.
  • 9:04 PMDan O'Brien - That won't make him louder. That's not how sound works.
  • 9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - I didn't think he'd be so... bald.
  • 9:04 PMHbn Gladstone - No that's my 8th grad shop teacher
  • 9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - Oh. Well, either way he's clearly drunk.
  • 9:04 PMMichael Swaim - THey should show the coin flip, make it more like a sporting event.
  • 9:04 PMMichael Swaim - Also there should be body checking.
  • 9:04 PMDan O'Brien - Barack would win.
  • 9:04 PMHbn Gladstone - Obama has a perfect dimple in his full windsor tie.
  • 9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - Dan: You're forgetting how much McCain has been tortured.
  • 9:04 PMMichael Swaim - Wow, they get to walk around...FDR would TANK this debate.
  • 9:05 PMHbn Gladstone - McCain is a half windsor man.
  • 9:05 PMRoss Wolinsky - McCain is a fully tortured man.
  • 9:05 PMMichael Swaim - McCain is a cro-Magnon man
  • 9:05 PMMichael Swaim - (He's old)
  • 9:05 PMMichael Swaim - wow, I did it! I killed the blog!
  • 9:05 PMHbn Gladstone - What did Obama just say about "golden showers?"
  • 9:05 PMDan O'Brien - NOW Obama's wearing a flag pin. Typical liberal flip-flopping.
  • 9:06 PMDan O'Brien - McCain is in a perfect position to jump Obama right now.
  • 9:06 PMMichael Swaim -
  • 9:06 PMMichael Swaim - I just wanted that to be on here.
  • 9:06 PMMichael Swaim - For later reference.
  • 9:06 PMHbn Gladstone - McCain is making a pass at Allen.
  • 9:06 PMRoss Wolinsky - Look at that perfect right angle on McCain's arm.
  • 9:06 PMRoss Wolinsky - I call bullshit - that is a fake arm.
  • 9:07 PMMichael Swaim - They should really have a debate where Brokaw's allowed to say "WRONG!"
  • 9:07 PMDan O'Brien - He can't comb his own hair.
  • 9:07 PMMichael Swaim - Hear the timbre in his voice? There's that compassion.
  • 9:07 PMMichael Swaim - Anything stirring yet, Dan?
  • 9:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - Not his head hair.
  • 9:07 PMDan O'Brien - Nothing. I feel like Samson post-haircut.
  • 9:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - McCain has IMMACULATELY styled pubes though.
  • 9:07 PMMichael Swaim - Well, when it's all you can style, you tend to go a little nuts.
  • 9:07 PMHbn Gladstone - He pacing around the room like DeNiro in a The Untouchables
  • 9:08 PMHbn Gladstone - Jeeves! Get me a picture of DeNiro in The Untouchables.
  • 9:08 PMMichael Swaim - "Whoa, hey, do I look like a President to you? Do I execute for you? Hah?"
  • 9:08 PMMichael Swaim - Pesci, but...you know. Italians
  • 9:08 PMRoss Wolinsky - Was that a joke?
  • 9:08 PMMichael Swaim - all the same and all that
  • 9:08 PMRoss Wolinsky - Gladstone's shop teacher laughed.
  • 9:09 PMRoss Wolinsky -
  • 9:09 PMDan O'Brien - McCain likes Meg Whitman.
  • 9:09 PMHbn Gladstone - McCain and Meg Whitman sitting in a tree!
  • 9:09 PMDan O'Brien - OOOoOoooooH
  • 9:09 PMDan O'Brien - McCain mentioned eBay. Is he making fun of the internet?
  • 9:09 PMDan O'Brien - Because for real, fuck him.
  • 9:09 PMRoss Wolinsky - I think he's saying he wants to make eBay part of the government.
  • 9:10 PMDan O'Brien - This is really a one-word answer. "Who do you want to have this job?"
  • 9:10 PMMichael Swaim - He's acheiving a higher joke density than we are.
  • 9:10 PMDan O'Brien - He's wandering around bullshitting. Give us a name, Obama.
  • 9:10 PMRoss Wolinsky - "Bill."
  • 9:10 PMMichael Swaim - If Warren Buffet becomes Treasury Secretary, we'll all be eating Cheeseburgers in Paradise.
  • 9:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - "Steve."
  • 9:11 PMMichael Swaim - For the record, I'm only here to amuse myself.
  • 9:11 PMHbn Gladstone - What is that yellow thing on Brokaw's wrist?
  • 9:11 PMDan O'Brien - From the comments, Dave says "I dont have a TV in my apartment, so this is how Im watching the debate. Thank god for the information super highway!"
  • 9:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight.
  • 9:11 PMDan O'Brien - We should really step up our game.
  • 9:11 PMMichael Swaim - "That 5% are SOOO fucked though. It's like, these eight guys that just get REAMED."
  • 9:11 PMDan O'Brien - Are we going to thank every jerkoff who asks a question?
  • 9:12 PMDan O'Brien - You don't have unlimited time, guys.
  • 9:12 PMRoss Wolinsky - Dave: You should konw that there is a red carpet.
  • 9:12 PMRoss Wolinsky - That is all.
  • 9:12 PMHbn Gladstone - I'm so glad I patented the word "main street" three weeks ago before the crash. I dont' need to blog for food anymore.
  • 9:12 PMMichael Swaim - Dave: Oh shit, McCain just lumbered into some electrical wires! He's down! McCain is DOWN!
  • 9:12 PMHbn Gladstone - Yeah, John, neither this participant in the debate nor your VP have ever heard of Fannie Mae.
  • 9:12 PMDan O'Brien - McCain said to a black guy "I bet you've never heard of Fannie Mac and Freddie May before this crisis." Is that racist?
  • 9:13 PMRoss Wolinsky - McCain looks so desperate right now. Obama is sitting in that chair just CHILLING.
  • 9:13 PMDan O'Brien - Like a VILLING.
  • 9:13 PMMichael Swaim - At the last debates he was just short of calling Obama "boy" on several occasions.
  • 9:13 PMDan O'Brien - Jesus, listen to how McCain is breathing, he sounds terrible.
  • 9:13 PMDan O'Brien - Like he's so tired from minding his slaves all day.
  • 9:13 PMMichael Swaim - It's compassion. His breath is getting "husky."
  • 9:13 PMHbn Gladstone - Why did McCAin assume "Allen" can't afford to stay in his home?
  • 9:13 PMRoss Wolinsky - Wait... I thought Obama's name was Toby!
  • 9:14 PMMichael Swaim - It's stage 4 of the McCain compassion program.
  • 9:14 PMMichael Swaim - No, it's Iraq Hussein Terrorist
  • 9:14 PMDan O'Brien - Give Allen a fist-pump, Obama. Come on. Give him a fist-pump. Just one.
  • 9:14 PMMichael Swaim - Obama: "No YOU take a hike."
  • 9:14 PMDan O'Brien - "White people, am I right?" Fist-pump.
  • 9:14 PMMichael Swaim - I love Obama's "tell it like a children's book" style.
  • 9:15 PMRoss Wolinsky - Make me understand, Obama.
  • 9:15 PMMichael Swaim - "if this happens, then bad stuff. then take that, and make it a million. Do you know a million? That's a thousand thousand."
  • 9:15 PMRoss Wolinsky - "Once upon a time there was a pony who believed
    that the free markets could correct themselves."
  • 9:15 PMDan O'Brien - "Let's say Bush is Voldemort. And let's say Voldemort put his dick in the economy."
  • 9:15 PMMichael Swaim - See, he's just writing, that's his problem. McCain would be in there flailing at them until they MADE IT RIGHT.
  • 9:16 PMMichael Swaim - Tell me what I'm interested in.
  • 9:16 PMMichael Swaim - Please.
  • 9:16 PMMichael Swaim - Look at my avatar, Obama
  • 9:16 PMHbn Gladstone - Jeeves! Where the F is that picture I requested?!!! What are we not paying you for?
  • 9:16 PMMichael Swaim - Do I LOOK interested?
  • 9:17 PMMichael Swaim - You have to slap him around a little or he's useless.
  • 9:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - Ok let's back it up here. Calling the 20th Century system "arcane" might be a bit much. The 20th century was only 8 years ago.|
  • 9:17 PMDan O'Brien - Obama says he believes in the American Economy. What is that based on?
  • 9:17 PMMichael Swaim - Hope.
  • 9:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - P.S. That is "Croneyism" #2. A little late in the campaign to start a new buzzword, no?
  • 9:18 PMHbn Gladstone - hahahahahahahahahaha
  • 9:18 PMDan O'Brien - I want a human being, not some hopetologist.
  • 9:18 PMMichael Swaim - No one's willing to say "we're in the shitter people. It's not my fault, but God, fuck it."
  • 9:18 PMHbn Gladstone - McCain is still selling the American worker = "fundamental of the economy"
  • 9:18 PMRoss Wolinsky - Nice necklace, Teresa.
  • 9:18 PMMichael Swaim - Yeah, but 80 percent of them make their living on eBay
  • 9:18 PMDan O'Brien - Even if the American worker DID have money, he still wouldn't be buying that bullshit.
  • 9:18 PMRoss Wolinsky - Congrats: That was the only time you'll ever be on TV. You blew it.
  • 9:19 PMMichael Swaim - Go SECTION F!!
  • 9:19 PM
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