So this is the first time i’m blogging with a Mac. How do you like it so far? Are you finding my humor more intuitive and virus-free? To tell you the truth I’m sort of morose right now. My PC laptop inexplicably died. It has all the original HBNs on it and my screenplay which hasn’t been backed up with the last two week’s of writing. So yeah. But anyway, I always say that when life gives you syphilis, make sypilis-ade. (It’s basically the same as regular lemonade, but you let Dan O’Brien take a sip from the glass before you serve it. FYI. Ross makes killer Chlamydia Ale). Actually, I never say that. I also don’t let Dan and Ross near my kitchen. So yeah. I’m pissed and sad. Fortunately, I sent this week’s HBN off to Jack, just minutes before everything went so terribly wrong.
This entry was posted on Monday, August 4th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under CNN, FoxNews, Hate By Numbers, Jesus, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
The Trials of Gladstone (as told by Franz Kafka)
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August 12th, 2008 at 7:52 am
I don’t think Gladstone’s the marrying kind. No, he’s a wanderer, moving from town to town. Loving where he can, fighting where he needs to, always remembering that dreadful secret that he must carry.
He is the “inviting-girls-to-an-X-files/Lesbian-Experimentation-party” type of guy, though. So if that’s your thing, maybe you do have a future together, foxyrosy.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Why, Mr Gladstone, nice… cross you got there.
Seriously, you’re my new hero. You rock.
Marry me?
August 10th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
What EVE-6 ablum is the song you use as your theme song on?
August 8th, 2008 at 1:41 am
Mac and cheese is a separate orgasmic experience in itself. If she can handle both, you’ve done well, Glendoor.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Hell, I know I’m right, I married the bitch and thanks for clearing up what Gregory has been talking about. I thought he was talking about some move in Mortal Combat but that makes better sense.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:09 am
glendoor42 is right. His wife is totally cool in bed. You know, if you decide to fuck while eating macocroni and cheese, or if you decide that the moose costume is a bit warm in the summer and you’d prefer to a good old-fashioned game of Tentacle Monster and Sailor Moon… you know, she’s down with that.
I guess it doesn’t hurt that she was a p0rn star back in Hungary, right?
She did have a problem with Gregory, though. He asked if he could join the two of us. He wanted to do something called the Double Viper Assault. He just seemed a bit too eager, if you know what I mean.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:44 am
“glendoor im fucking a 19 year old and have no trouble getting the “fornicating” aspect you desribed…”
Tell her you are about to get engaged to a wonderful girl but you’d like to still like to pop in
every once in a while for sex and see how that goes.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:32 am
I don’t give a fuck. Line ‘em up.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:30 am
glendoor im fucking a 19 year old and have no trouble getting the “fornicating” aspect you desribed… of course im 19 too and i can see your point about avoiding women the same age as your daughter. yes 20 year olds are hot but thats just weird
August 7th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Me, Me, ( raises hand excitedly) I want older women. When you get to be my age( I am Cracks version of Methuselah) You start to feel like a fucking pedophile when you look at
young women and I’m talking 18 to 25 year olds. Hell, I got daughters in that age bracket. Shit it’s hard for me to tell the difference between a lot of 20 something year olds and 14 and 15 year olds.
Plus, unless you are buying a hooker, there is going to be a certain amount of talking going on and there aren’t many 18 to 25 year I want to talk too long enough to get them in bed or talk to at all for that matter, other than yes I want fries with that.
An older woman knows what she wants, ain’t shy about telling you what she wants, knows
how to get what she wants, better in bed, don’t waste time playing fucking games( unless you want them to and depends on the game) and most importantly knows the difference between making love and fornicating.
The difference between making love and fornicating is, lets say with a twenty something
your the third guy she’s ever been with and your lovemaking session was just transcendent and she very sure that your the one she been looking for her whole life and even though she felt this way the other two times and was wrong( fuck Chase and Brandon
they were assholes) She’s moved on with her life and SHE HAS FOUND THE ONE, you. Never mind that in a few years after marriage, a few kids and she’s grown to hate the sight of you, she is gonna leave, take the kids( Fine you say, they were probably Chase’s anyway or Brandon’s( and half your shit and you say HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!!!!!! I WAS THE ONE!!!!!!!
An older woman’s like “that was great” and your all like ” yeah that was” and then one of you says”Hey you want to get something to eat?” and one of you say “Yeah, how about Macaroni Grill ?” That’s fucking and that’s one of the plethora of reasons I like older women.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
In a few years I’m gonna be dead from a cocaine overdose. I want that pussy NOW.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
but seriously, who wants an older woman? really. I mean in a few years there will be excessive crows feet, gravity issues, menopause, and all around bitchyness.
August 6th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Pardon me, that was http://www.mostoffensivevideo.com
August 6th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
That was fucking hilarious. Reminds me a touch of http://www.mostoffensivevideos.com
August 6th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
The point of the above discourse wass if I had to chose bteween cerrtain barnyard animals or a cougar. I don’t see why anyone would want to fuck a cougar or any animals but if you had to chose, I was just saying.
Oh and I learned all this about fucking animals from DFT NEWS
@ http://www.digitalfuntown.com/homepage.php
August 6th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I hate you crunchy.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
News has become so ridiculous nowadays. This is exactly why I only turn to fake news for my info. My favorite is DFT NEWS from Digitalfuntown.com. Pretty hilarious.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/homepage.php
August 6th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
WOC, if I took her baby and ran with it I wouldn’t get far; the paparazzi would call the cops. That’s why I prefer women on the lower end of the economic scale; nobody cares what you do to them or their babies.
Glendoor, you lost me with “I can see fucking a goat or a sheep or a cow…”
August 6th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Glendoor, they key to fucking a cougar is the same as the golden rule of real estate: Location, Location, Cougar Tranquilizer
August 6th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Let me clarify,this should have read “I can see fucking a goat or sheep or a cow , if you stand on a five gallon bucket, as oppossed to a cougar, but a cougar, hell first you got to catch one and that’s hard.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Not that I’ve done this but , I can see fucking a goat or sheep or a cow , if you stand on a five gallon bucket, but a cougar, hell first you got to catch one and that’s hard.
I only seen one in the wild once, I guess you could bribe someone at the zoo, but then you would have to get several people to hold it while you did it, and they’re liable to tell people that you did.
Plus the danger element, I mean if those people let go of the cougar while your fucking it, you are gonna get fucked up, which if you’re into that…..
August 6th, 2008 at 9:55 am
cougars? seriously?
August 6th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I strongly suggest you get more from the hot cougar dating club called Cougarlove.com, a nice and free place for Older Women and Younger Men to interact with each other. It’s fabulous.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Hmm that wont be easy J-Pappi, let me see if i can help you…i believe Jessica Alba just had a baby…run with it.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:49 am
Damn; I see I’m going to have to work on being creepier.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:31 am
Hey Gladstone, I could bench-press 90 lbs. fifty times also sucka. Good Video though.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
i prefer Cuil for my nipple searches
August 5th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
J papi? dan the man? res ispa? I DONT KNOW THESE NAMES AND WHAT I DONT KNOW FRIGHTENS ME
Gladstone, who said anything about pedophile? young could be 18…bit of a Freudian slip, huh? your HBN sign off needs to change its just weird
speaking of Freud, gladstone is a cocaine addict
sorry if i offend you metal, but zoom in on Gladstone’s eyes during that pause between “Thats all….for now” and you will clearly see a computer monitor with a google image search for oversized man nipples
And spencer, wherever that line is, your behind me in it
Thats all… *sniffs lock of Hannah Montana’s hair* …for now.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Is there some kind of line I can get into that will lead to me being allowed to give Gladstone a handjob?
August 5th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
See, you gotta learn the difference. I think the Shining reference is funny. I think the rape pedophile “joke,” is not funny. But that’s just me. Y’know, not a sociopath.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
wait a second herb, are you actually Dan the Man? GTFO
August 5th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
herb, you are quickly becoming more creepy than j pappi and res_ispa combined
August 5th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I just realised, it’s supposed to be Panzer, Panzier sounds French.
August 5th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
im not saying that every time Gladstone films a Hate By Numbers he is recieving oral sex from that guy in the bear suit from The Shining, but im not saying he isnt…and yes Panzier he has been known to rape the occasional native american woman tied to a tree
August 5th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Yeah that just made me feel wrong, between that and the article on the main page i’m pretty disturbed here at Cracked today.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
metal you know its true. That greenscreen background hides the Hostel 2 dungeon that is Gladstone’s studio apartment. Run, cracked readers, run far away.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
herb, thats really disgusting. like seriously gtfo
August 5th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
That’s such a coincidence, my chest hair forms the image of Moses parting the Red Sea, like in that movie. Your minister is clearly a heretic. The bible insists that we refrain from wearing shirts to church.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
As Gladstone finishes brutally raping the young girl he keeps chained up in his basement, he begins to put his clothes back on as he once again locks the girl in the urine soaked dog cage that has become her prison. “Thats all,” he utters, smiling as he stares into her terrified, tear soaked eyes. “For now.”
August 5th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Yep, so creepy you could fuck IGN.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
gladstone your so fuckign creepy in these videos
August 5th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
It does sound like something The Simpsons cooked up (pun totally intended) or else one of those Sick Sad World segments on Daria.
“Sure he has divine powers, but is your diety DEEP FRIED!? Next on Sick Sad World.”
August 5th, 2008 at 11:32 am
All hail Cheesus!
August 5th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Negative_creep, ugh why? WHY?!?!?!
if we are going to be showing ytmnd type things then this wins.
http://thepicardsong.ytmnd.com/
August 5th, 2008 at 9:58 am
>>But, definitely NOT a furry, catty Jesus. No hairballs, please.
>>…a furry, catty Jesus…
>> …furry Jesus…
I, uh… I shouldn’t have googled that. I don’t know what I was thinking. Here, let me share the pain: http://furryjesus.ytmnd.com/
August 5th, 2008 at 8:23 am
I recently read an article about a guy who saw the image of the virgin Mary in the rust stains coming from the overflow drain of his bathtub. I’m beginning to wonder if religious icons just don’t have anything better to do.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:11 am
They had a choice between ribeyes or filets. Filets have become quite the fad down here. Plus my mother in law, who bought the steaks, bought way to many. Seriously I think she bought every bit that Sam’s Club had.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:36 am
And what kind of homos were present at that party where there were ribeyes left? That’s sacrilege.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:33 am
Neil, if Fox news was concerned about looking more intelligent than a bunch of fucking chimps they wouldn’t have been touting the Bush administration the last 8 years.
Glendoor; I went through a period (when I was making a bit more money) of living off steak and dark beer every freakin’ day for a while. Gotta drink a big ol’ glass of metamucil in the morning every day to make it work. The turds still look dark, gnarled and twisted like mesquite branches, but they at least come out without bringing the intestines along with them.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:49 am
Great job, gladstone. another hilarious installment. But you did miss one of the most ridiculous things i’ve ever seen for real, like i’m shocked that it was on the so called news and not the simpsons. The headline at the bottom of the screen on the fox story said “CHEESUS”. my god. who pitched that idea and who let that on the air? Have they fired all their producers and just replaced them with chimps already?
August 5th, 2008 at 12:11 am
“Mmmm…ribeye steak!! ”
Hell yeah , that’s the main reason God invented cows, as far as I’m concerned.
When my youngest daughter graduated high school this year we had a big party and we had a bunch of ribeyes left. Man I had ribeyes every day for a week until my colon exploded. That was messy, but damn they were good.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
… Were these stories actually passed off as news in America? Like… wow. WOW.
The “Well yeah, if you digitally enhance the photo” just made me laugh hysterically. The look on your face was priceless.
August 4th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
@Dylan: It’s “The Night” by Morphine. Also the name of the album. The extremely awesome album. Listen to it and drink yourself to sleep. Hooray.
August 4th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
cheesus chrispus….now thats a snack i would totally buy!!!
August 4th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Also Gladstone, by the looks of the body under the hairy body of Christ, it seems your diet
has worked out well or your photshop skills are none to compare.
August 4th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Gladstone, you dont have followers! You have disciples! Shall we go forth and multiply?
August 4th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Mmmm…ribeye steak!! Now there’s an idea! I was thinking about firing up the grill tonight. If that makes me and others retarded, so be it. No one’s gonna tell me who I can and can’t comment with.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Gladstone has followers–already on his way to (fucked-up) sainthood. I knew it.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Me thinks that dan the man is too fond of dicks, what with all the phallus refferences. Also dan I’m willing to bet that you like scat p0rn what with the way you keep saying this is shit, but keep hanging around.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I have followers? Awesome.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Jesus Christ Wayne, you really suck big dicks.. Yet again, you squeeze out a shit segment of HBN and all of your retarded followers eat it up like its a rib eye steak.
You suck at comedy. You suck at commentary. You suck at life.
just give up already, Christ.. I’m doing you a favor by telling you the truth that these other morons wont.
August 4th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I thought it was Jesus Jones.
August 4th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
No, it’s EVE-6, well known as Gladstone’s favorite band.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Dylan:
Dunno the title, but I know it’s by the band Morphine.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
What’s the name of the song used in the credits for Hate by Numbers?
August 4th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Cheesus! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
August 4th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Gladstone, with that bod and the hairy Christ chest you’d have no problems being the first Jewish member of La Nuestra Familia if you ever wound up in California.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Imagine the happy crunching going on in the sanctuary. mmmm….cheetos!
August 4th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
why are people like this?
August 4th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Seriously? Cheesus? Please tell me I imagined that.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Wow–I think Gladstone’s well on his way to sainthood with that icon on his chest! St. Gladstone.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Imagine communion with Cheetos and Mountain Dew! I might actually go to church if that happens! Another great episode Gladstone but I will no Digg it. Just putting that out there.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I glad it wasn’t just me that saw the Buddha on that couch. Anyway you would think that the Buddha would shown up in that cheese curl. Buddha looks like he’s eaten a lot of cheese curls. I like cheese curls too.
Great one Mr. Gladstone, exceptionally funny.
August 4th, 2008 at 11:56 am
If I were Cheetos, I’d make a “Cheetos: Limited Jesus Edition” line of cheetos that look all like Jesus. And then tell the people “Oh God! You all mercilesly ate Jesus!!!” and see their reactions.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:52 am
But, definitely NOT a furry, catty Jesus. No hairballs, please.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Gotta be a chocolate Jesus, good enough for me.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:13 am
every easter they put out chocolate crosses, and every year someone gives me grief for eating one. Hey atleast its not a chocolate crusifix with christ still on it.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Res_Ipsa: Does your priest also smoke weed? Sounds that way to me.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Hey! That one was funny! Lets shoot for 2 in a row now!
August 4th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Frito-Lay is considering buying out the Vatican, or so I hear. At least, that’s what the priest told me in the confessional as he was snacking on some Lay’s brand potato chips.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Has anyone eaten the cheeto? That IS what Christians are supposed to do, right? Eat Christ’s body and drink his blood? I really think the Roman Catholics should replace those unappetizing, thin little wafers with cheetos. That MUST be the importance of this amazing discovery. I’m sure Frito-Lay would be pleased.
August 4th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Gladstone, who knew you had such a spanking bod!
August 4th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Ugh, why did I write HTM instead of HBN…
August 4th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Awesome, awesome, Gladstone is awesome…
How I laughed when he showed HTM Finding Jesus Edition. Good work, Gladstone.
Also, that painting of Jesus looks relevant and shows just how excited He is about His pictures on cats and cheetos. And Gladstone’s hairy hairy chest