Cracked Columnists

Aggravated Assault: AKA How To Handle A Heckler With Style and Finesse

So you've decided you want to drop out of community college and become an "entertainer." Good for you! Everyone knows that being an entertainer will make you rich, famous, and get you constantly laid, but there's a downside to this business that not a lot of people know about. Yes, success in the entertainment industry is very easy to achieve, and yes, your place in the history books is all but guaranteed if you want it, but here's the catch:

At some point you're going to encounter a heckler, and if you don't handle it correctly, you may never make it out of Muncie, Indiana. You want to make it out of Muncie, Indiana, don't you?

Watch the guy in this video, and note how he works the room to handle the situation. First he tells the heckler the whole audience is going to kick his ass. This is an essential step that allies the performer with the crowd, letting the heckler know that everyone is against him. Next, he peppers his crowd-banter with regionally-specific references that the audience will recognize. This makes the crowd like the performer on a personal level; By implying that he is familiar with their geographic area, the performer tricks the crowd into thinking he is somehow like them, when he is in fact a big fancy-pants entertainer who is NOTHING like them at all. ("Is he talking about OUR Cracker Barrel?! I think he is!")

Finally, the performer jumps off the stage, waves his acoustic guitar menacingly, and splits the heckler's head open with it. This step might might seem strange to the uninitiated, but the truth is that criminal assault & battery charges are the calling card of the professional entertainer. When the audience member says "Get security," what he really means is "I want to purchase your merchandise, professional entertainer!" When that other guy yells "That was unnecessary," he means "Will you sign this cocktail napkin? I don't know who you are, but based on your awe-inspiring professionalism, I'm almost positive that you will one day be a star."