It's been more than 50 years since the last time a president died while the Secret Service was babysitting him, though clearly they've dumb-fuck-lucked their way into that winning record, because according to a recent Congressional investigation, the Service has melted down into an "agency in crisis," ruled by chaos, disorganization, low morale, brutal incompetence, drunken lushes, and computer systems that crash when you try to play Pong. Picture a broken-down 7-Eleven in a bad neighborhood, replace the scratch cards and Slurpees with the most powerful person in the world, and you've basically nailed how the Secret Service operates.
Everyone currently running for president: Thanks for reading Cracked, but are you sure you want this job? Because here's what the bozos in charge of keeping you alive have been up to lately ...
#6. They Let An Armed Security Guard Get Into An Elevator With The President And Take Pictures Of Him
Maybe the Secret Service can worry about only one thing at a time, because after listening to Obama give a speech on Ebola at the Centers for Disease Control, they completely let their guard down when they let Obama get into an elevator. And no, it's not because he's claustrophobic and is always worrying that the elevator is going to get stuck; it was because the guy operating it was armed, and no one had any idea.
Only Secret Service members and officers are allowed to carry weapons around the president, for obvious reasons. This guy didn't get a special permission slip or anything -- quite simply, nobody bothered to check him, or even screen him prior to allowing him to chill next to the president for a few floors. If they had, they would've uncovered a guy arrested three times for violent behavior -- including once for shooting at a moving car with a 3-year-old girl inside. With that kind of past, the closest this guy should've gotten to a president was pulling some money out of his wallet.
And there's violent offense number four.
Once the president got off, the elevator operator decided to follow him and take pictures. Now, if you were a Secret Service agent and noticed the shifty elevator guy stalking the president, you'd probably tackle him, break his phone and the hand that held it, and immediately order your fellow officers to surround the president and ensure his safety, right? Well, no, you wouldn't do that, because you're in the Secret Service and you are shockingly irresponsible. They actually just let the guy take picture after picture of their boss, presumably because he was just so excited to do it. Normal people don't tell children there's no Santa Claus; these guys don't tell weirdos with cellphones not to Instagram the president.
House Of Representatives
Yes, Virginia, there is a flattering filter.
Upon returning to his elevator and realizing he had nobody to elevate, he returned for yet another photo session, in case he hadn't properly captured Obama's good side. FINALLY, a Secret Service member realized this guy shouldn't be there and kicked him out. But, even then, they didn't know about the gun until later, when the guy's boss learned of what had happened and ordered the man to turn in his weapon.
At this point, the Secret Service had only one skin-saving option left: Don't tell the president. And they even fucked that up -- director Julia Pierson insisted, in sworn testimony, that she briefed the president "100 percent of the time" after a security breach and that she had briefed the president about only one security breach that year (but didn't mentioned the elevator story). Hours later, the media mentioned the elevator story. This is why Julia Pierson has lots of free time lately.
#5. It Took A Couple Housekeepers To Notice Somebody Shot Up The White House ... Four Days Prior
It's rare that someone shoots at the White House (don't take that as a challenge), but you would still think that the Secret Service would absolutely be prepared for days like Nov. 11, 2011, when somebody did. And yet, on that day, the agency reacted exactly like a confused dog who just farted himself out of a sound sleep.
Oscar Ortega-Hernandez was a terrorist who considered himself Jesus, on a "mission from God" to murder President Obama, whom he deemed the "anti-Christ." The Good Lord's weapon of choice was an assault rifle, with which he fired at least eight bullets into the White House. Fortunately, neither the president nor the first lady were home. Unfortunately, Sasha Obama was, with Malia due back at any time. Even more unfortunately, the Secret Service -- who heard shots and even had one come within 20 feet of them -- completely dismissed the incident. "No shots have been fired. Stand down," ordered the supervising agent, who concluded that nearby construction equipment had simply backfired. Eight times.
"And if anything else happens while I'm off getting sloshed at the Chug & Spew, it's also construction."
Eventually (as in four fucking days later), they realized the sounds didn't come from the rusted-out muffler of a shitty old tractor. And by "they," I mean Obama's housekeepers and ushers. They found the evidence of an attempted assassination, not anybody trained to do so. An usher named Reginald Dickson found broken glass, holes in the windows, and a piece of wood with a bullet still lodged in it. Another housekeeper found busted concrete nearby. Realizing this wasn't the typical mess caused by rambunctious preteens, they reported it to the Secret Service, who only then realized how massively they had fucked up. Luckily, Machine Gun Jesus was just as shitty at being a fugitive, and he was swiftly arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison.
He died inside for our sins.
So what's worse than Alfred accidentally doing Batman's job for him? How about the Service's inspection branch waiting THREE YEARS to investigate this incident, and only doing so because the Washington Post reported on it first? And then waiting a month after THAT to actually begin, you know, investigating?
#4. Two Drunk-Driving Agents Interfered With A Bomb Squad Attempting To Save The White House From Exploding
Ciprian Dumitrescu/iStock/Getty Images
On March 4, 2013, a couple of Secret Service agents attended a party and got plastered. Fine. Even ultra-serious government types deserve to get loose every now and again. Agents Mark Connelly and George Ogilvie were celebrating the retirement of a fellow agent and drinking everybody under the table while doing so. Ogilvie alone purchased "eight glasses of Scotch, two vodka drinks, one glass of wine, and three glasses of beer." This was right before he and Connelly climbed into his government car and started cruising. What, was Connelly too drunk to drive, so Ogilvie drunk-drove for him? What a pal.
Doug Mills/The New York Times
If not for that act of charity, this man might not have been alive to half-ass his job any longer.
Naturally, this story gets worse, as Ogilvie made a pit stop at the White House, because nothing says professional like banging on your boss' door with your brain drowning in fermented fruit and grain.
Castle Obama was under a Code Yellow at the time, thanks to a woman named Heather Brookins leaving behind what she claimed was "a fucking bomb." The plastered agents didn't know this, so when they approached the White House and were met with a bomb-induced barricade, they did what felt right: drove straight the fuck through it. They drove through police tape, roadblocks, barrels, a bike rack, and even sounded their sirens and air horn, because suck it, Gandalf, they shall pass. Ultimately, they drove within inches of the supposed bomb, presumably attributing the panic around them to their fellow agents beating themselves up over having missed the crazy-awesome rager down the street.
"Hey buddy, we would 'TURN BACK! TURN BACK!' but the party's already over."
They finally stopped about a hundred yards later and admitted to officers they were drunk. And yet, nobody arrested them, because their goddamn supervisor forbade it. This is presumably the same supervisor who forgot to report the incident to literally anybody. Secret Service director Joe Clancy only learned about it thanks to an anonymous email almost a week later.
If Hollywood's stuck on a plot for Horrible Bosses 3, there's some inspiration.