The Internet is filled with people being jerks to each other. If they could just stick to jerking themselves we'd have a world of peace and relaxation before quietly getting out of the way to let evolution try something else. Or if angry commenters could just jerk each other instead of arguing, their endless wrist action would finally make them feel better.
Decoupling sex from reproduction was a greater technological advance than the microchip. And has done far more to raise the average quality of life. So why do we use sex and computers to be such assholes? I've been guilty of jerking in every way mentioned so far, so I'm writing about six groups who shouldn't be sexual punchlines.
SHIGEKI KAWAKITA/amanaimagesRF/amana images/Getty
Virgins are often portrayed as punchlines, unlovable losers who haven't even been picked last to play the game of love -- they're still sitting on the bench with a fake doctor's note, watching everyone else play a rousing game of dodgeballs. It's one of the most prevalent peer pressures across all of society. But pressuring someone else into sex is at least the worst possible thing any asshole can do.
Pressuring someone into anal sex is the absolute worst asshole thing.
I've been guilty of mocking virgins. In context, I was mocking sexist assholes for targeting women as a way of venting their incredibly obvious sexual frustration, but I should have been more specific. I should have clearly described those men as hypocritical overcompensating idiots ... sexists who had reduced all of life to a simple game that they still lose at by failing to score and blaming all the other players. But I shouldn't have associated all that with all virgins. Virgins really have done nothing to deserve that.
Virginity doesn't have any intrinsic value (and you should be seriously suspicious of anyone fetishizing your sexual status), but the decision to keep it or not is the most important thing in the world. Because when it comes to someone's sexual activity, their decision is the only thing in the world.
The same sticky brush of implied sexual superiority is often used against asexuals, "aces," people who lack attraction to or interest in all the sexual squickiness. Some guys (and, yes, it's usually guys) take this as a personal offense. Their sexual egos are so fragile that someone else never getting laid is personally disturbing. Probably because it strikes too close to home. But if you've ever refused to believe that someone is ace, don't worry; they don't believe anyone else would want to have sex with you either.
Scott Griessel/iStock/Getty Images
"But biologically speaking ..."
And if you wouldn't ask your boning friends about their favorite sexual position, don't ask your virgin friends why they don't have one. Maybe they haven't met the right person. Maybe they're recovering from abuse. Maybe they're waiting for the Third Conjunction that their genitals might raise an Elder God to feast on all flesh. In any event, if they want you involved, they'll let you know, but until then don't user their crotch for light conversation.
Adam Berry/Getty Images
Not all furries are interested in dressing up as anthropomorphized animals and having sex with each other, but that's what they're famous for. Which sounds weird as hell until you realize that they're not harming anybody else. And they're putting more work into pleasing their partners than some people put into their wedding night.
"I can't believe you came between 'I' and 'do.'"
Having sex in a full-body fur suit? Forget merely having sex, that's more exercise than I've done in my life. If there's ever an Internet Olympics, "Hedgehog Humping" will be a greater endurance test than the heptathlon. And have many, many more viewers.
"It's like a sexy veterinary vehicle car crash."
Furries have been the Internet's punchbag ever since people realized bigotry was bad but still wanted to make fun of strangers. Obviously it's much better to blame people for something they choose to do. But when that thing doesn't actually harm anybody else, and their only offense is doing something you don't enjoy, mocking them still makes you kind of an asshole. Luckily we now a volunteer group working to publicly be bigoted assholes in a way that actively hurts others. So we can all focus our mockery on them.
John Moore/Getty Images
Thanks guys. And this is the ONLY TIME we'll ever say that!
What's more, dressing up as animals is a brilliant shortcut past modern society's bullshit body-shaming beauty standards. The advertising industry spends billions of dollars convincing every human alive to be unhappy in the skin they're in. So furries art-and-craft new skins! Skins made of silk in the shape of a centaur! Let's see you sell that in a jar, assholes! They've short-circuited the entire body-image industry and crossed it with a fantasy novel. Using imaginary characters to counter advertising makes them the Banksys of boning.
Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Though it's only a matter of time until Pantene Pantomime Mane Conditioner.
This doesn't mean every furry is fine. Individually anybody can be an asshole, and any activity where people can cover their faces before trying to grope people is going to attract them. It's every community's job to call out the harassers and warn everyone else instead of keeping things quiet because they've "done a lot for the scene." But considering that even the Catholic Church and '80s American family comedies couldn't manage that, furries shouldn't be singled out.