5 Things Virtual Reality Is Fixing (That Aren't Broken)

Not long ago I praised the virtual reality industry for its attempts to bring a little innovation to things that had no pressing need for a VR upgrade. Expect a lot of that in the coming years, assuming virtual reality takes hold and becomes the game-changing tech The Lawnmower Man promises us it will be.

New Line Cinema
Namely, that everyone with a mental disability will become a corrupt digital god.

If it all pans out, there will be a VR version of everything. Everything. Including things that have no business being in virtual reality and are hardly improved by it. The kinds of things that suck in regular reality and can only go downhill with the virtual treatment. For those who are wondering if some brave, handsome person out there took the time to gather five examples of such things and arrange them into some manner of comedic list, worry not, for I have done just that.

#5. Watch Netflix In A Fake Living Room Like A Real Idiot

Netflix

We're at the point with technology where, if I were to release a fancy high-tech blender, people would look at it, confused, wondering why they can't binge-watch House Of Cards on it. In a few years, when you find yourself on the losing end of a bar brawl, you'll be able to catch a few episodes of Frasier on the bottom of the boot stomping your face. "Was that a Maris joke? Kick me again!"

Design Pics/Design Pics/Getty Images
"No Netflix? Ugh! Philistin-BAAAHMYFACE."

A thing without Netflix is hardly a thing at all; it's barely even stuff. So it's no surprise that the Oculus Rift has a Netflix app. Netflix VR isn't just a streaming video smashed up against your eyes or some Lovecraftian method of actually making you a part of Adam Sandler's next contractually obligated movie. That's too easy. The technology's powers of unparalleled immersion must be justified! So, instead, it shoves you in front of a large screen in a fake living room, sitting on a fake couch behind a fake coffee table.

There's a good chance people will be watching a show in these fake living rooms in front of these fake TVs while sitting in their real living rooms in front of their real TVs. The future will be dominated by stupid redundancies like this because we always prefer a souped-up simulation over an easily accessible and nearly identical authentic experience.

Samsun
What would you rather play? Golf, or a cute low-stakes approximation of golf?

According to reviews, the app works well, even if it is dumb and unnecessary. All that's going to do is encourage app developers to VR every inconsequential moment in life. Someone might even find a way to VR something as mundane as eating at home.

#4. Eat Anywhere Virtually Without Leaving Your Boring-Ass House

Samsung

Oh, Goddammit. See? What did I just say? They went and VR'ed my Pop Tarts and gin.

You dine on the first course of the meal in a garden in Tuscany, surrounded by flowers with a winery in the distance. You adjust your Samsung Gear VR glasses as a cool wind blows and you catch the rich fragrance of the gardens. But when your main course arrives, you find yourself underwater with dolphins playing and fish swimming.

All that crazy garbage up there is Samsung's attempt at fusing virtual reality with eating. Why settle for another lonely dinner in your chilly basement surrounded by your knives and collection of human index fingers when you can strap a phone to your face and eat cold ravioli from the can in the mythical underwater city of Atlantis?

Dmitry Litvinenko/Hemera/Getty Images
Dine among the fish farts, you loser.

But why stop at the setting? We can apply the same idea to dinner itself in yet another desperate attempt to flee reality like it's a cop and we've got priors. A group called Project Nourished wants to get people eating bland 3D-printed food gelatin while images projected by VR goggles trick the eater's brain into thinking they're eating something with actual flavor. This is how Soylent Green-type food made of people is going to be subtly introduced into our diets. We've got our masks, so we think we're eating a gorgeously marbled Wagyu rib-eye with a side of lobster mac and cheese covered in freshly shaved black truffles, and we won't even notice the hair and loose scrotal tissue sticking out of the gelatinous people cubes we're shoving into our mouths.

#3. Get Punched

Youtube

The rumble feature on a video game controller seemed weird at first, back when Nintendo released a vibration cartridge that plugged into the Nintendo 64's controller like a gun clip. It broke down the barrier between the player and the game. Actions now had a corresponding physical sensation. When you got shot in the game, you suffered a very mild finger massage in real life. Finally the consequences of gaming had a face. That tech doesn't just want to be felt anymore. It wants to beat the shit out of you.

German researchers have created a prototype for a physical feedback rig for virtual reality games that makes the player feel an impact force so powerful it can kick their arms back like people who get knocked out by gun recoil ...

Just without the gun. The force comes from a combination of vibrations and electrical muscle stimulation, feeling like the light electrolysis you'd be treated with during physical therapy but looking more like if you stuck a fork into an electrical outlet. This might one day bring a whole new dimension of realism to virtual reality games, but if that doesn't work out, I'll use it to pioneer the tele-S&M industry and erotically punish people from thousands of miles away.

Jupiterimages/Creatas/Getty Images
"Be with you in a sec, hon. Just let me get this guy off first."

The U.S. Army wants to ramp up the pain dished out by this kind of tech to make virtual (and, soon, holographic) combat simulations more realistic. If a soldier in VR gets shot or is close to an explosion they will feel those gunshots and explosions. The idea is to get them used to making tough, spur-of-the-moment decisions while dealing with the physical agony of the battlefield. Now if we can just develop a thing that simulates the pain of having their VA medical insurance claims ignored when they get back home, then they'll be fully prepared to handle all the pain a soldier has to manage.

And since I'm getting political ...

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