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Donald Trump has wiped his ass with money for so long, he thinks shittiness is synonymous with success. He wasn't born, he was laid into a solid gold eggshell to protect him from ever learning. And he never left. This would be fine if he wasn't such a colossal jerk. I've spent longer staring into the face of this Scrooge McFuck than anyone other than himself, and while millionaires laughing at everyone who has ever suffered is par for the elephant-hunting course, Trump does it because he likes the attention.

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They replaced the Voight-Kampff test with "Do you want to punch this grin?"

An Internet troll is someone connected to the greatest informational resource ever made who can think of nothing better to do than shit in it. But Trump is so much worse. He has enough money to live out any fantasy, and he spends it with the same motivations as a teenager webcamming dead baby jokes. He could build the dreams of random strangers, then have them destroyed without ever even looking, but that's his idea of work instead of play. These stories are way worse than the last time we looked at him. If George Lucas reremastered Star Wars entirely out of cock shots, it would be less blatant and expensive dickery.

Trying to Bulldoze a Widow's Home for a Casino Limo Parking Lot

The goal of a troll isn't a Dr. Seuss book about monsters that excrete electronically, it's to make things worse for other people just to get a reaction. And Satan himself should have marched into Trump Tower demanding to tear up their contract when Donald double-dicked the concept of decency in 1993.

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"Oh man, let me tell you about my last boss. He was such a jerk."

Trump didn't just want to bulldoze an elderly widow's home of 35 years for a casino limousine parking lot. Michelle Malkin reports that he had Atlantic City authorities try to condemn the widow's house so that he could take it for less than market value. It's just as well that his evil waiting area failed, because that's the sort of shit where even Mammon is embarrassed to be seen visiting you. Even the bad guys from Up were building an actual building, not a dark and heat-blasted shrine to everything wrong with capitalism.

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"Yeah, it's close to the casino, but every time we park here, the champagne turns to spider fluids."

Trump's governmental collaborators were the Casino Reinvestment Development Authority. That can't be a real organization. That's a G.I. Joe villain from an alternate '80s where cartoons fought gambling instead of drugs. The plot centered on "eminent domain," the government's power to seize private property for public use, because we've all faced the problem of where to park our limo while throwing away spare money.

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That's why we do it at home.

That's such an evil plot from a children's movie that he wouldn't just lose if underprivileged kids pushed him off a bridge into the water; he'd melt like the Wicked Witch of the Wealth.

Trump University Trolls the Idea of Education

"Trump University" is proof that you can't make words explode, no matter how violently you combine opposites. Donald Trump can lose money in a casino when he owns it. He doesn't learn from his mistakes, he bankrupts or sues them, and the only thing he can teach people is that they shouldn't have given him their money, a lesson his educational dialysis facility taught well.

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"Please study Figure 1. That's your fees."

It called itself "Trump University" despite a total lack of accreditation. A strip club could claim they were teaching anatomy with exactly the same legitimacy. It was legally forced to change its name by the New York State Department of Education, which stated, "Use of the word 'university' by your corporation is misleading and violates New York Education Law." Even in New York, a city of shining spires to every kind of financial bullshit imaginable, it is illegal for Trump to claim that he can teach you anything.

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"In the left tower, we harvest the interest differentials on futures of homes that haven't been built underwater
yet. In the right, we plan new reality shows."

If you thought it was about paying tens of thousands of dollars for nothing but a guaranteed "Certificate of Completion" and a photo with Trump, you're still aiming too high. Apparently the photo was with a cardboard cutout of Trump. Disneyland puts more effort into Mickey Mouse, although the rodent is more respected as a public character. And financial expert. In academic terms, a "Certificate of Completion" is the evil opposite of a "Participation Trophy": proof that you wasted your time doing something you really shouldn't have. Because "Certificate of Completion" means "the check cleared and we didn't test anything else."

David Woolley/Digital Vision/Getty
"First Place in Having Less Money Than I Used To!"

You'd get the exact same level of education in his casinos. You'd get a better education by cashing your money into dollar bills and reading the serial numbers, because at least then you'd still have the money.

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And have been kept from doing anything stupid for a few hours.

The New York attorney general has filed suit against the institute for $40 million, citing illegal business practices and numerous false promises. It's true that anyone paying thousands of dollars to learn from public speakers hired by (someone hired by) the star of Celebrity Apprentice urgently needs their money confiscated, but giving it to Trump is a Katamari of capitalist disaster.

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Blaming Military Victims of Sexual Assault

When the Pentagon announced that the military had reached 26,000 unreported sexual assaults per year and climbing, Trump opened his mouth. (Incidentally, in the U.K., "trump" is slang for farting, the expelling of poisonous toxins through an orifice that makes everything worse for everyone exposed to the results.)


Donald Trump reduces rape culture to a rhetorical question. He thinks sexual assault is automatic when you mix men and women. That's victim blaming and culprit acquittal combined, treating sexual assault as an unavoidable chemical reaction, like mixing Coke and misogynist Mentos. Those poor rapists can't help themselves! This pustule of privilege thinks women should take sexual assault as part of their duty for being born female.

What did they expect? They expected women to be treated like human beings, you unconscionable Hutt. They expected women to join a fellowship of soldiers defending their country, or to provide for their families while you shat right through the economy, or at the very least they expected human beings to have as many rights as a goddamn dog in a public dog park where bystanders intervene to prevent unwanted sexual advances and the word "bitch" isn't used to diminish their testimony, diminish it so brutally that even in an organization based only on rules, they feel they can't report it or hope for justice. Because female victims should have expected it, and male victims don't even exist -- that's what Donald implies. It's a lot to compress into one statement, but his vast stupidity functions only to compress everything awful about Western culture into a nugget of terrible.

"What did they expect?" is how you say "You should have known better" to 26,000 victims at once. And they're all in the armed forces! This tweet should have inaugurated a new combined force of women and men in an Anti-Sexual Assault Corps, two divisions of angry, six regiments of fully armed and trained soldiers descending upon every single asshole who blames them for being sexually assaulted. And to blame the shredded remains for being attacked in turn.

Criticizing the Scottish and Scotch in Scotland

A regular idiot marches into a bar and insults the locals. A Trump-size idiot tries it with a distillery and an entire country. It's especially weird that he could hate Scotland when he looks like someone genetically engineered a haggis to scream like a bagpipe.

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But less popular than either.

Trump decided to destroy the home of Michael and Sheila Forbes. He didn't need it to build his golf course, but he didn't even want to see it from his golf course, because Allistair Tenpenny has escaped Fallout 3 to be a dick in our world. This is the golf course that had been refused planning permission by a local elected subcommittee, aka "the local people who actually live there and care about the future of the area," but granted it by the Scottish government, aka "those things in suits that live somewhere else and have a term of four years."

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"Yes, these votes seem to be in non-sequential order."

This is the golf course that cost $150 million to build, which didn't stop Trump from repeatedly claiming that it was a billion, because maybe just one more factor of 10 will finally make it feel big. Andy Wightman presents documents showing that Trump International tried to use government-backed compulsory purchase orders to seize the property, because taking homes for profit has apparently been a Trump technique for over 20 years. This means claiming that the golf course was a matter of Scottish national interest. Was he going to train them to take down incoming drones with golf balls?

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"Looks like a Grumman RQ-180. Hand me the 9-iron."

The Forbeses defeated Trump's entire worldview by not being interested in the money and being liked by their community. We've already seen how Trump fenced a couple into their own home and sent them the bill, truly thinking this made him look smart and powerful and not like the Baron Harkonnen waddling out of his harness to crap on their carpet.

Universal Pictures
But the baron has better hair.

Luckily farmers with rocks standing up to rich foreign invaders who speak English is Scotland's entire history. Trump spent millions of dollars fighting a part-time fisherman and quarry worker and lost. He lost so badly that he started lying about ever trying. He lost so badly that he rephrased the battle as the evil Michael Forbes failing to prevent the construction of the golf course. If he'd backpedaled any harder, he would have reversed the Earth's rotation. You could only have a more perfect publicity disaster if the Death Star's last tweet had been something racist about X-wings.

Michael Forbes was voted 2012's Top Scot in Glenfiddich's online poll, because of course he was. This is when Trump trolled the entire country. He publicly insulted both the Scottish and the scotch, in Scotland, and genuinely thought that was a good idea. He called the popular vote "a terrible embarrassment to Scotland," and also said, "I make a pledge that no Trump property will ever do business with Glenfiddich or William Grant and Sons." So there you have it, straight from the horse's ass: Trump hotels are definitely worse than their competitors. And Michael and Sheila Forbes now hang in the Scottish National Gallery.

Alicia Bruce, via National Galleries Scotland
Still prepared to pop windbags.

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Paying to Bay for the Blood of the Innocent

In 1989, five black and Latino 14- to 16-year-olds were convicted of a crime they didn't commit. Please continue thinking of the A-Team. It's way better than what really happened. With five children in custody, and everyone, including the police, busily forgetting about "innocent until proven guilty," Donald Trump spent $85,000 to invent and become YouTube comments 20 years early.

via NY1.com
Full text of ad.

That appeared in the New York Times, the New York Post, the Daily News, and New York Newsday. Trump paid $85,000 to publicly scream for the death of people he'd never met in relation to a matter he had no knowledge of. The crime had no link to Trump or his properties; he just felt like spending 160,000 modern dollars to publicly bay for the blood of children. Even if they had been guilty, that's insane. It would have been better for the world if he'd spent a day masturbating into wads of thousand-dollar bills. But he'd never do that because they don't bear his name, unlike this public demand for executions.

And it gets worse.

Trump defended himself by saying that he couldn't understand how police could get a false confession. He incarnates privilege. Law enforcement is the only reason he can demolish houses while there are homeless, the only reason we can have starving people and him on the same continent for longer than it takes to chew, and he doesn't even acknowledge that he's treated differently.

And it gets worse.

The Central Park Five weren't just innocent; they were super-innocent. The conviction was shattered by the real rapist's later confession and unimpeachable DNA evidence of his guilt. I want this on record: A convicted serial rapist and murderer did more to help these men than Donald Trump.

David Becker/Getty Images
Then again, most people do more than this living abscess.

That's still true. When the five were released from years of prison with every chance of a normal life stolen, did Trump offer them recompense for publicly calling for their deaths? He spent $85,000 demanding the death penalty. Did he offer a single cent for scholarships, compensation, employment, a word of regret, anything to help rebuild their ruined lives?


via Wonkette

Over a decade after their innocence was proven at the cellular level, Trump implies that they must have been guilty of something. In his mind, non-white teenagers need an alibi to exist. Why would they be in the park? People don't have their shoes shined there! This is the point where even Trump felt like he'd gone too far and deleted the tweet. So you can stop tempting humanity, Satan, we've found our lowest point on our own. The toxic birther bullshit was nothing on this. That was only screaming for public proof of the birth of someone just because he wasn't white.

This should be mentioned every time he opens his mouth. This should be part of his biographical information. Entertainment listings should read "Tonight on Celebrity Apprentice: Donald Trump, 67, who once spent more than twice the average American salary to froth for the death of innocents and has never apologized, will continue with his bullshit fantasy of wisely advising people paid to pretend to listen."

Trump can't be real. He's an agent provocateur sent by aliens to make us riot against capitalism. But they've given up on us, and now he's controlled by an alien bitter about wasting its life on our idiotic species, doing the worst things it can think of just to see if we'll let him.

Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.

Restore faith in your species with The Manliest Names in Use Right Now and The Video Game Guide to Grammar.

Learn even more about Trump with 10 Stories About How Terrible Trump Is or Trump's 4 Most Hilarious Attempts at a Good Idea, and Dan O' Brien defends his precious presidency against Donald Trump's Pretend Run at President.

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