Remember when you were 6 and you meticulously planned out how you were going to live in a mansion that was also a rocket ship? For most of us, that dream dies on the vine the first time we have to rage-build an IKEA closet. Celebrities, however, have the type of money that allows them to never stop living that dream. For instance ...
7Alien Designer H.R. Giger's House Is A Nightmare Mansion With A Haunted Train Ride
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H.R. Giger was a Swiss artist and creature designer best known for giving PTSD to an entire generation of teenagers who snuck in to see Alien in theaters. Throughout his career, Giger enjoyed creating beautifully violent sexual imagery by pairing frail humanity with cold, unfeeling machinery, like RoboCop masturbating to ballet. So with so much creepiness going on in his work life, it probably makes sense that he left that madness at the door to retire to a much more relaxed and reasonable environment at home.
Just kidding. His house is as terrifying as you would imagine the home of the creator of a phallic space monster to be.
Nine out of 10 Giger dinner guests lost their appetite within seconds.
For years, the man who wrote the book on biomechanical horrors enjoyed taking his work home with him, which explains why most of his rooms make you feel like the walls are about to rape the furniture. But make it through the house and you can relax in the garden, which is populated by statues from Hell's miniature golf course.
No romantic walk in the garden would be complete without piles of trash and an intergalactic fuck demon.
Next to some familiar nightmares, Giger also filled his large backyard with some of his private designs -- not that those are any less terrifying, upon closer inspection.
"We can have a picnic next to Nipple Martian and Spine Fountain."
If you can avert your eyes from the creepy statuary, you'll notice the real star of the backyard: a fully operating train ride (Giger may have been a dour man, but he was not without his moments of whimsy). While it was still working, any of the guests could hop on board the Penetrain and take a ride through an endless vortex of suffering. It's beautiful.
On Space Mountain, no one can hear you scream.
Jello Biafra, the lead singer of the Dead Kennedys, even mentioned once that Giger was hoping to take his ghoulish garden and turn it into a theme park, but unfortunately that dream died along with Giger in 2014. Honestly, that's probably the theme park Giger would have wanted.
Speaking of theme parks ...
6Celine Dion Built Her Own Private Water Park
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Once you reach a certain level of superfame, it gets hard to go out and buy garbage bags or whatever without someone taking a million pictures of your crotch. Fortunately, with enough money, you can bring the outside to you. That's why so many celebs populate their massive mansions with pools, tennis courts, movie theaters, and Bennigan's franchises. But Celine Dion, the Grammy Award-winning vocalist who made made trillions of Canadian money buttons singing about the Titanic, went one step further. When she saw that she couldn't go out and have fun with her kids, her response was, "Screw it, let's build a water park in the backyard."
Jupiter Real Estate
A single "king of the world" joke gets you banned for life.
Located on Jupiter Island, Florida, Dion's property is totally big enough to house a respectable-sized water park. There are multiple slides, a flowing canal, at least three bridges, and a pool large enough to drown every orphan in Canada.
Which is the source of her power.
But the fun doesn't end there. The inside of the house features a fully functioning arcade. All that's missing is its own McDonald's for the elegant Quebecois singer's mansion to be mistaken for the home of a child billionaire.
No footage of Celine happily owning her kids in Mortal Kombat exists, except in our hearts.
Good news for all those adolescent tech CEOs, though, because the house is currently for sale and just this year received a massive price drop to a mere $45.5 million. She also just sold an island castle straight out of a fairy tale. At the rate she's shedding homes, all she'll be left with will be her theme park on the moon and her palace in Narnia.
Pictured: The single greatest justification for anything, ever.