Thousands of years of trying to predict the future has taught us that not even the smartest people can do it for shit. This is why people go bankrupt betting on sports and the stock market -- reality doesn't conform to anybody's vision.
Well, except when it comes to TV writers, apparently. They seem to be very good at accidentally predicting impending events in a way that's both eerie and utterly random. To wit ...
5Saturday Night Live Foreshadowed 9/11
The September 11th terrorist attacks had massive repercussions that we still don't fully understand. But if you had to write a Hollywood blockbuster about the day, you'd probably dumb it all down to three planes hitting their targets and one being brought down by resisting passengers, Osama bin Laden taking responsibility, and America invading Afghanistan in an attempt to capture bin Laden. Then America would roll into Iraq, which some critics would argue was nothing but an excuse to seize their oil reserves, and finally bin Laden would be found and killed in Pakistan. Oh, and everyone involved in the manhunt would inexplicably be super-hot but struggling in their love lives because of their demanding careers.
It would be far from a perfect historical retelling, but it would get all the main beats across. Just like SNL did in a 2000 segment of Weekend Update.
Here's the clip:
It begins with a joke about Bush, then the Governor of Texas, going to war to steal oil. The war in question is with Alaska, but to the average American, Alaska and Iraq are equally foreign.
Eight years later, Sarah Palin would ruin this joke.
Next is a joke about a crime in New York City. The Twin Towers feature prominently in the skyline shot.
Not too impressive so far, right? Okay, then we see a picture of "the reclusive bin Laden, who's reportedly hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan." Specifically, it's a story about how he was rumored to be dying of kidney failure, but that would be far from the most absurd rumor to float around the soon-to-be-very-infamous terrorist.
After that came a joke about Pakistan's strict judicial system, in which bin Laden was eventually found and shot to death (which is a pretty strict way of being declared guilty).
If only he had been gaveled to death under a crescent moon.
Finally, there's a report on an attempted takeover of a plane that gets foiled by the passengers, to which Colin Quinn quips, "Fortunately, order was restored and the plane was allowed to crash on its own." Jokes aside, that's what happened to United 93.
Yeah, that's our faces by the end of this clip, too.
It's like a fifth-grader had to give a school report on 9/11, read about it on Wikipedia, then forgot half of it. It's not exactly spot-on, but it's undeniably eerie. So while we're not going to say that Colin Quinn is the new Nostradamus, or that he singlehandedly orchestrated 9/11, we're not not saying it, either.
4Chris Pratt Calls For The Return Of Power Rangers, A Role In A New Jurassic Park, Gets His Demands
After what feels like a hundred Transformers movies, two attempts at Spider-Man, a bunch of Terminator sequels that almost no one wanted, and a gritty reboot of Jem And The Holograms that absolutely no one wanted, Hollywood is officially scraping the bottom of the barrel with a new Power Rangers flick. No one saw this level of desperation coming ... except Chris "Star-Lord" Pratt.
Likewise, no one else predicted that Pratt -- once a side character in one of the lowest-rated sitcoms on TV -- would get the lead role in a blockbuster sequel. Except Chris Pratt.
Watch this Parks And Rec clip, because it's always a great idea to watch Parks And Rec clips.
Pratt's character, Andy, asks Leslie's new boss, "Can you bring back Power Rangers? I don't know what it is you do, but you seem important enough to get that done." It was a goofy joke showing off Andy's absent mind and bad priorities, but less than two weeks after the episode aired, the Power Rangers reboot was announced.
Prompting us all to make this face.
Now, you know the old saying: "One is a coincidence, twice is irrefutable proof that Chris Pratt has psychic powers." Check out the start of a goofy bonus feature from season two of Parks:
Pratt checks his phone and says that he'll have to get back to Steven Spielberg about starring in Jurassic Park 4 because he needs to do this feature first. "Well," you say, "Maybe he already heard something!" No, keep in mind this was in 2009 -- two years before anyone even sat down to write the script for Jurassic World, and four years before Pratt started negotiating for the role (after he had become much more famous).
He gets a new ab with every franchise.
That was the joke -- that he was way too obscure to get a hypothetical role like that. Parks wasn't exactly tearing up the ratings, and Pratt's biggest film roles to date had been minor parts in the immediately-forgotten Jennifer's Body and Bride Wars. But as we all know, Jurassic World would eventually be announced, and Pratt would star as a raptor trainer (the new dream job of countless children). Wait, do we need to apologize to all the people reading The Secret a few years back?