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This week there was a chill in the air - it brushed up against us all and whispered, "the news is a pile of crap."

Most movies teaches men they'll receive one (1) hot girl from life, free of effort. Hell, at the end of 'An Officer and a Gentleman', Richard Gere walks into the lady's workplace and carries her

"From my experience, if there is a fundamental difference between male and female sexuality, it's this: There are actual occasions where women aren't thinking about sex."


A Short Vision is a six-minute cartoon from 1956 that details what happens after a nuclear attack. Spoiler: A lot of melting flesh happens.

"The film then ends on what sounds like a particularly morose slide whistle."


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This is the body of Xin Zhui, a Chinese noblewoman who died over 2,000 years ago, yet continues to be blessed with the skin, flesh, organs, and sunny disposition of a fairly fresh corpse. How? Experts aren't in agreement exactly but she had one Hell of a burial.

"All kidding aside, Xin Zhui is one of the most important and awesome archaeological discoveries of the past century, as evidenced by the fact that she's still being studied to learn about ancient methods of corpse preservation."


We think the person who came up with this actually has dollar bills where his or her soul should be.

"We all know that, even with list in hand, the minute you walk into a store your plan goes to hell. There's a reason for this."


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Sorry, Rambo, we can find no record of you being spit on.

"It's a tough call, but we're going to have to take the word of the leading cultural historian and Rutgers University professor over that of a fictional character portrayed by Sylvester Stallone."


"Normal animals are virtually never shown in the franchise, except as part of a display in a natural history museum in which they're being murdered by Pokemon."

"Pokemon are an invasive weapon sent to Earth by alien conquerors. Once on a planet, they assimilate all natural life and transform it into a Pokemon-based ecosystem."


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"The Expendables are a bunch of pussies."

"Of her many duels with German snipers, Pavlichenko recalled the longest lasting over three days."


"The doll in the background moved while this YouTube video was being made. And the uploader never would've noticed, if not for the comments..."

"In case you haven't noticed, we've kind of made it our mission every October to make sure you never sleep again."


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You have to have an extra gear of awful to be this inhuman.

"Irma Grese loved her job like a white woman loves Oprah."


The news: don't fall for it!

"Misinforming the public has happened so often that it's almost become a staple of today's information outlets. But, perhaps unsurprisingly, this is absolutely nothing new."


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