We humans tend to think we're pretty smart, what with our planetary dominance and Roombas and so forth. But when it comes to our health, we're still complete idiots. Through a heady brew of ignorance, denial, and blind hope, we've proven that we will shove any random slurry down our throats if we're told it'll miraculously cure our hairy molars or medulla pimples or combustible priapism.
6 Drink This Stupid Frog Juice, Genius
THINGS THAT ARE GREAT IN SMOOTHIES:
-Kale or something
-Smaller smoothies that include the above ingredients
THINGS THAT ARE NOT GREAT IN SMOOTHIES:
-An entire frog
Despite the centuries-old smoothie laws established by the Blendo Concordant of 1262, a number of places in Peru are selling frog smoothies, claiming that it has a number of health benefits. The frog is bludgeoned to death in front of the customer, then skinned and dropped into a blender, because the universe has run entirely out of fucks to give these days. Add some carrots, honey, and maca root to the mix, and you've got yourself a fresh glass of Jesus Christ Why.
It's part of a balanced morning of regrets.
Vendors claim that it ameliorates anemia, bronchitis, low sex drive, and presumably horrific childhood memories of playing Battletoads, claims that are echoed in an oddly similar manner by some of the customers. It seems like something so gross must be healthy, because we've found several images of people drinking frog juice and absolutely nobody is having a good time. Maybe they just now realized that a skinned frog would produce a muck-colored smoothie, and the green you're looking at is from extra kale.
Time Travel Turtle
Or maybe, and this is just a theory, slurried frog tastes like vomit mixed with genocide.
But much to the surprise of nobody, there is no evidence that frog juice is healthy at all. According to Tomy Villanueva, dean of the Medical College Of Lima, "The frog juice has not met the standards of the FDA to be mentioned as medicine." This makes sense to us, since these miracle health frogs are actually an endangered species, instead of the immortal overlords of the planet.
5 Detox Your Baby, Dumbass
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/Blend Images/Getty Images
The detox industry is pretty big right now, so big that "detoxing" is recognized by our spellchecker, and that makes us very sad. It's not hard to convince people that their body is full of toxins. We spend all day inhaling automobile exhaust and stuffing garbage into our mouths; scientists have confirmed that human DNA is more closely related to Oscar The Grouch than chimpanzees. But according to more than one website, the problem is even worse than we thought: We should be detoxing not only ourselves but our kids.
You know how kids are, what with their irregular colons and weak adrenal glands.
One company, Dherbs, not to be confused with DERPS, has developed a liquid cleanse for children, to combat all of the horrible junk we're feeding our kids that's making them fat and ruining their sleep; it also improves their circulatory system and increases their concentration. And if you thought those claims were birdbrained, you should take a look at the Djehuty liquid cleanse, sold by DHealthStore.com (we're sensing a bit of a pattern here). This product claims to counteract the natural toxicity of most wombs, as well as the doctor-prescribed "harmful and poisonous pharmaceutical drugs" that are the "reason why so many babies are born with hepatitis and jaundice." Holy shit, how have we all managed to survive this long?
We probably don't need to explain this, but there isn't actually an epidemic of baby hepatitis. In fact, there isn't any sort of detox problem at all, anywhere. According to Edzard Ernst, emeritus professor of complementary medicine at Exeter, "There are two types of detox: One is respectable and the other isn't." One kind involves a major medical intervention for drug or alcohol addicts. The other involves shoving a hose up your butt to wash out your colon like it's a John Deere lawnmower. We'll let you guess which is which.
Hint: Only one promises a bunch of stupid bullshit.
As it turns out, the human body is really good at getting rid of harmful shit; we have numerous organs that literally do nothing but that, like our kidneys and liver. And if there's anyone who really doesn't need toxins removed, it's a fresh-squeezed baby. Djehuty, on the other hand, claims the womb is so toxic from trash like prenatal vitamins and processed foods that newborns enter the world tired and with black circles under their eyes. They can literally think of no other reason why a newborn baby would be woozy after slaloming out of a giant's vagina.