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Cats are just in charge of every goddamn thing now.

This video is too tasty to resist, and you can wolf the whole thing down RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW.

"Do you see this nugget? It starts as whipped up muscles of chickens and then we form it into a zigzag or some nonsense."

Satanism was founded by Anton LaVey in 1966, which makes it younger than Wicca, the Cthulhu mythos, the Rolling Stones and Mr. Potato Head.

"Until LaVey, pentagrams were commonly used by Christians as a charm against witchcraft and demons."

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When you're a convicted sex offender, it's tough to find a place where you can legally live. Then there's Miracle Village in Florida, where you pretty much have to be a sex offender to move in.

"Imagine getting lost in the Florida sugarcanes and wandering into a town where there are few-to-zero children and just about everyone in sight has committed a sex crime. "

Fort Alexander was a Russian island lab where the corpses of plague-tinkering, animal-torturing mad scientists were burned on the spot. And now you can rent the place out for your next rave!

"At first, it was your normal run-of-the-mill military installation, until lack of use compelled Russia to repurpose...it into a plague research center, like one does -- when you're intentionally trying to taunt the universe into cursing you and everything you touch."

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Every single Disney princess is under 20. How many girls grew up thinking a truly beautiful princess should meet her soulmate while her age still starts with a "1"? But two-thirds of people who marry between 15 and 22 wind up divorcing, so the majority of these Disney marriages would be doomed.

"If there's an unmarried woman over 30 in the cast of a Disney movie, you can more or less bet that she's the villain."

Swedish twin sisters had no history of mental illness and lived normal, happy lives with their respective families. Then, one day, one traveled from the U.S. to Ireland to visit her sister ... and what followed was a spree of violence and shared madness that resulted in several traffic accidents, one murder victim, and a whole bunch of baffled cops.

"If you feel bad for being creeped out by twins, let us share with you some true stories that range from merely weird to downright bone-chilling."

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It's also a little known fact that Josiah the Badger drank twice as much black coffee daily as Teddy Roosevelt.

"The first family bottle-fed Josiah until he cut his teeth, at which point the badger would zip along White House floors, nipping and biting at the heels of passers-by."

Now, get off my drought-ravaged lawn - which is probably also the fault of you baggy-pants youngsters.

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