Jurassic World's opening weekend will no doubt serve as a healthy reminder that sequels are usually pointless, often execrable ... and we can't stop giving Hollywood money to keep making them. Filmgoers from 20 years ago usually had no way of knowing if an upcoming sequel was gonna soar like Empire Strikes Back or lay a wet fart on your face like Highlander II -- but we don't have that excuse anymore. With this here newfangled Internet box, we now have the ability to smell the fart coming from a mile away, and yet we refuse to move out of the stink radius.
For example, there's a very good chance many of us are still gonna end up paying to see some of the following movies, despite warning signs like the fact that ...
6Mission: Impossible 5 Changed Its Ending At The Last Minute
The latest installment in Tom Cruise's series of increasingly extravagant botched human sacrifices to Xenu, Mission: Impossible -- Rogue Nation was originally set to be released just in time for Jesus' next birthday. But Paramount was so excited to open their present (the last M:I movie grossed almost $700 million) that they told Santa Claus to fuck off and pushed the release date all the way up to July. That probably means everyone involved has a lot of faith in the film, right? Yep, so much faith that they had to stop shooting it to come up with a new ending at the last minute.
The one where Ethan becomes a mid-'90s alt-rock sensation
wasn't considered satisfactory.
Back in February, after six months of shooting and with only a few weeks left on the schedule, director Christopher McQuarrie decided to stop filming to redo the ending. Don't they ... usually have that all figured out before they put the actors in front of the cameras? Yeah, but in this case McQuarrie suddenly decided he wasn't satisfied with what appeared in the script -- a script that had gone through three writers, including the guy responsible for classics like Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, Need For Speed: Rivals, and no movies whatsoever. It's worth noting that this writer's hiring was announced with great fanfare last year, and yet McQuarrie himself is the only one listed in the writing credits now.
So if your life's goal was to never see Alec Baldwin again, you know exactly who to blame.
And so, in a race against time worthy of its own action movie, production was shut down for a week while McQuarrie and a mysterious unnamed co-writer friend hammered out a new finale, presumably after this friend read the script and described it as, "... Great, really."
An anonymous Paramount insider downplayed the shenanigans, saying, "Chris, Tom, and a third person wanted to take a minute to get from what they thought was a good place to a more perfect place," which doesn't instill as much confidence as they think. "A minute"? We gave more thought to planning our high school projects, and we didn't even have $150 million to buy poster board.
5The Avatar Sequel Is Getting Stretched Into Three Movies
20th Century Fox
When you remake Dances With Wolves with blue cat alien people and end up grossing $3 billion, you're obviously going to want to keep that ridiculous bullshit going as long as possible. Director James Cameron has been running his mouth about a sequel since 2010, the year after his cyan windfall, back when everyone was still easily dumbstruck by pretty pixels and 3D movies hadn't fully transitioned from fun novelty to literal headache. So why the hell hasn't it materialized yet? So many reasons.
First, there was a series of years-long delays concerning the script, mostly regarding little matters such as what would happen in it, who would be writing it, and even who would appear in it. For instance, Sigourney Weaver's character, who croaked rather dramatically in the first movie, was originally supposed to be back in the sequel, because "no one ever dies in science fiction," according to Cameron. But he has since changed his tune and said that Weaver is gonna play a new character. Best-case scenario: It's Ellen Ripley, who murders all the Na'vi with a blowtorch.
20th Century Fox
"It's gonna be a clone of Sigourney mixed with Na'vi DNA and ... what?
No, I've never seen Alien 4, why?"
There's also the fact that Cameron intends to spread the sequel across three movies, shot back-to-back and telling one overarching story, because audiences fucking love it when you do that. Since shooting three movies at a time takes approximately three times as much effort and planning as one movie, it's going to be quite a long time before we see so much as a horribly CGI'd teaser trailer. The first installment is slated to be released in 2017 and the final in 2019 if everything goes as planned, which is an "if" big enough to have its own Whole Foods.
Incidentally, the villain for all three sequels has now been confirmed to be this guy again:
20th Century Fox
It will be explained that he was wearing a stove plate under his shirt, like Marty McFly.
At least after all that anticipation, we know we'll be getting ... something? No one actually knows what it's going to be about yet. All we know is that Cameron has assured us, "They're gonna be bitchin'. You will shit yourself with your mouth wide open." It doesn't exactly bode well when a director describes his billion-dollar opus the same way your little brother announces he's definitely about to wipe out on his skateboard.